Family Matters

Making the Case for Advocacy for Children of Divorce

Question

?

Divorce is a risk factor, BUT…

Two Reactions

“Divorce is a normal part of growing uptoday. Kids bounce back.”

“I feel so bad for these kids, but there’s nothing I can do to help

them.”

The Kids Aren’t Fine.

Let’s look at what happens after divorce.

Children of Divorce exhibit…

a higher divorce rate lower marriage rate more learning difficulties poorer social skills earlier sexual activity poorer conflict-resolution skills increased gang involvement more insecurity, anxiety, and depression

as compared to children with married parents and their own pre-divorce performance.  

Behavioral StatisticsFor Children of Divorce

Have grades that are 20% lower Are nearly twice as likely to be sexually

abused Are 70% more likely to be expelled/

suspended from school(as compared to their peers living with their married

parents)

One in 3 drop out of high school.

Behavioral StatisticsChildren from Nontraditional

Families 75% of teen pregnancies 75% of children/adolescents in

chemical dependency hospitals 1 out of 5 children have a learning,

emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing.

More than one half of all youths incarcerated for criminal acts

Behavioral Statistics (continued)

Multiple risk factors– Nine million American children face risk factors that may

hinder their ability to become healthy and productive adults. One in seven children deal with at least four of the risk factors, which include growing up in a single-parent household...The survey also indicated that children confronting several risk factors are more likely to experience problems with concentration, communication, and health.

63% of suicides

The Children Say…

“It’s not true!” “If I only I was good…” “I’m so worried.” “What’s going to happen to me?” “How will other people treat me

now?” “I’m not too young to miss my

daddy.”

The Children Say…(continued)

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to act.”

“If you tell me what’s happening, I won’t be so upset.”

“I feel terrible and I want to talk about it, but I’m scared to bring it up.”

“I say everything’s fine, but it’s really not.”

My Story

My parents’ divorce– Sara– Jade– Me

My work with children YMCA camp counselor, Jr. Leaders Club, and

cheerleading coach After-school drama and music program Public schools – speaker, tutor My goal: to be a role model and supporter

We’re Not Alone

Family troubles affect students across all classes, all social barriers– Oswego Middle School – Summer school– Sally asked, “Can you keep a secret?”– Eugene Field Elementary in 2004

Over one million American children experience the divorce of their parents every year.

Oklahoma has the second highest divorce rate in the nation.

We fail to acknowledge this social problem and address it.

The impact of divorce on children can be devastating.

Why?

We can help.

Helping Strategies for Adults

Educate yourself.

Three Year Adjustment Period

The Parent May/Must… Redefine self Find outside emotional support Adjust Move? Work & provide income Assume single parent role Juggle many needs, some conflicting Be a parent

The Child May/Must… Redefine family Grieve Adjust Need security Reassume role of a child Move? Adjust to change in parenting Continue status quo at school Be normal/adjusted and nice Gain independence

Out of sync stages and needs

The child needs

Parent behavior

Overall effect

Educational effect

Parental consistency

Inconsistent Mixed Message Anger... Confrontation with authority

Financial psuedo-security

Must work or be dependent

Decreased parental time

Decreased family support for education priorities

Beginning independence

Demands more attention from parent

Fears negative school contacts

Preoccupied child with unclear self-image

A Home Separate home (from spouse)

Two or more homes

Confusion…Lack of consistency and completed tasks

Out of sync stages (continued)

The child needs

Parent behavior

Overall effect Educational effect

Mutual parental support

Parents angry at ex-spouse

Anti-messages…Child must take sides

Emotional exhaustion…Explosions at school

To be parented, cuddled, listened to

Preoccupied, just trying to get by

Appears chaotic to the child, parent may not be there when needed

Emotional extremes… Somatic complaints…Begging for attention

To mourn and be comforted

Feels guilty for making child sad … Child then takes on adult roles to protect parent

Emotional withdrawal…Overcompensation

Class clown…Mr./Miss Maturity

Take age-appropriate responsibility

Allow the child freedom to grow… practice feedback with the child

Growth, trust, confidence

Positive feedback…Normal growth

Child’s View of Death vs. Divorce

Similarities Sadness Anger Blame Memories revered Guilt Parent dating Family life different Economic instability Fear of losing other parent Regrets Changes in lifestyle Future unknown

Differences Physical death vs. no body Public acknowledgement vs. no public acknowledgementDeath only Part of life cycle Will never see person againDivorce Embarrassment Caught in the middle Bitterness Ongoing conflict Hope of reconciliation

Helping Strategies for Adults

Educate yourself. Meet the child’s needs.

– Security & stability– Emotional support & guidance– Examples & information

Healthy relationships Good communication & conflict resolution

skills Healthy coping skills

The Child Needs…

An explanation for the divorce. Awareness of upcoming changes. Reassurance of parental love, concern & support. Permission to express sadness, anger, and grief. Coping strategies for dealing with sadness, anger,

and grief. Permission to focus on age appropriate activities. Freedom from parental conflict. Freedom from pressure to take sides. Permission to love both parents. Examples & knowledge of healthy relationships.

We can help!

As parents As individuals

– Including teachers, child care providers, coaches, youth ministers, etc.

As a community– Blended Love’s programming– Calm Waters– Rainbows– And many other programs.

Conclusion

Children of divorce are not fine. They need our attention.

They are not doomed, but they do need our support.

Educate yourself. Become a volunteer or mentor. Request programming for your

school.