anxiety levels are high, because this can affect the way they relate to their children.” It is all too easy to let stress and anxiety affect your relationship with your children (or indeed, even your spouse).

“Whenever there is a period of transi-tion,” continues Dr. Hu, “I suggest that parents do check-ins with themselves at regular inter-vals to ask questions such as: Am I taking care of my own anxiety levels? Is my stress unduly affecting my relationship with my spouse, or with my children? How can I improve my re-lationship with and protect my child from the anxiety or stress that I am facing? How can I be an example of healthy coping to my child?”

Engage in healthy eye contactWhether I picked up this habit from my own personal circumstances, my parents, or even just a natural tendency, I avoid eye contact with strangers and even with my friends. I have to make a conscious effort to maintain eye contact to let others know I am interested and glad they are around.

About a year ago, I noticed that my chil-dren also avoided eye contact, especially my daughter. This was a bit worrying, because as Dr. Campbell writes, “Eye contact is crucial not only in communicating well with a child, but in filling the child’s emotional needs.” Campbell further explains that some parents give eye contact only under certain circumstances, like when a child has pleased them or when giving a stern look. Others may actually withhold eye contact as a form of discipline. Try to break these long-standing habits. When I started to pay attention to the way I used eye contact with my children, I noticed a significant decrease in temper tantrums and an increase in their abil-ity to engage with others.

Remember physical touch Physical touch includes everything from hugs and kisses to pats on the head, light pokes to the ribs, hands bumping while you play with the same toys and “got-ya” games of tag. I personally didn’t struggle with this concerning my own children. But as a teach-er, I took note when Dr. Campbell discusses a boy’s need for physical touch: “Research shows that girl infants less than 12 months old receive five times as much physical affec-tion as boys. I am convinced that this is one reason younger boys (three years to adoles-cence) have many more problems than girls.”

Dr. Campbell points to the misconception that boys needed less physical affection as they grow out of childhood as a possible reason why they seem to become less affectionate as they become teenagers. “Actually a boy’s need for physical contact never ceases, even though the type of physical contact he needs does change.” As a teacher of 4-year-olds, the more I play “got-ya” games and pat the backs and shoulders

of the boys, the less discipline issues I seem to have, even during quiet time in class.

Schedule one-on-one timeIt is obvious that parents need “me” time, and the child needs to understand how important that is. “[We make sure to provide] lots of af-fection and attention [while] addressing his needs and explaining the reason for boundar-ies when he needs to respect parents’ focus on other things, people and conversations,” say Dr. George and Lucia Hu of their child. “[We also give] him the opportunity to express himself and pursue his own interests, which for the mo-ment, consists of Legos, reading, and singing!”

But one-on-one time is also important, especially when a parent notices the relation-ship with their child might be deteriorating. “We generally try to let him take the lead, and our relationship deepens with our son when we join with him in doing what he is interested in.” Dr. Hu further explains, “The parent needs to give the child some amount of undivided atten-tion regularly, not distracted by the cell phone, TV, other tasks or conversations.”

They further add that this attention should not come during “childcare” time where the emphasis is on eating or washing them-selves. It should be considered “play time” for the child, or a quiet time spent in conversation or doing reading together. “Watching TV or playing video games together is not exactly the same as direct engagement, even though it’s a shared experience. The key is to have a recipro-cal, back-and-forth interaction with your child.”

Admit your mistakesMy daughter took hold of pursuing indepen-dence, and sometimes that clashed with bound-aries I have set for her own good. But enforcing those boundaries almost always produced a response of anger. I personally found that ex-plaining to her the reasons for those boundaries (rather than “just because I said so”) helped her to independently stick to those boundaries. But when a mistake is made, or I get unjustifiably angry, it is healing to own up. In past conversa-tions with Dr. Hu, I was taught to apologize to my child when I make a mistake. Apologizing not only sets an example for my children, but it also protects the trust they place in me.

Find a support network Our life changed when my husband’s and my best friend and co-worker Christopher moved next door. Christopher now acts as an uncle to my children and I can ask him for help by sim-ply knocking on his door. This was extremely influential when I was a stay-at-home mom and Christopher worked part-time. My daily stress levels plummeted just knowing another adult was easily reachable.

With family being so far away for many expats, I definitely encourage parents to find

surrogate relationships, even when they are hard to find and to build.

Strive for unity “The strength of relationship between the parents can affect the sense of security that a child possesses,” says Lucia Hu. A strong re-lationship between the parents or caregivers fosters a home environment where children will feel safe and secure. “Although children will always want to test and push boundar-ies, and want to see if they can get one parent to say yes when the other says no, the more united the parents are, the more stable the environment for the child,” she adds.

Forgive yourself When I asked how their professional experi-ence applies to their relationship with their son, Dr. George and Lucia Hu point out that “it can be one thing to know things by training or education, and quite another when it comes to your own son.”

Setting boundaries is great, in theory, they say, but once you actually try it on your own child, “you appreciate the difficulty and the struggles that parents go through. This applies not only to boundary setting but to so many other things as well, such as discipline, spending time with kids, and handling sibling rivalry.” Rearing even one child presents a mountain of daily struggles that morph as the child grows. Give yourself a break when you (or your child) make a mistake. Perfection can lead to stress; sometimes good enough is simply just that. Good enough.

Don’t give up I was heartbroken when I didn’t immediately have unconditional love for my children; it was confusing and frustrating. It was even more confusing when I found unconditional love to be difficult to grow. Please don’t give up if you realize you need to strengthen your relation-ship with your child. Dr. George Hu and Lucia Hu offer encouragement: “We believe that it is never too late to restore relationships. It may take a lot more effort, creativity, perseverance, or significant changes in perspective for restor-ing a relationship depending on the age of the child and other circumstances.”

If you believe that the relationship between you and your child is not what you would like it to be, or want to improve the bond you have with your child, take heart. It’s never too late. But like most things in life, it is far easier to improve things when your child is young; the longer you put this off, the harder it will be.

GSupposedly, there is this universal magical moment at birth when a mother first receives her newborn

child. Unconditional love swells mom’s heart as she looks into her child’s eyes; that bond is sup-posed to help sustain mom through midnight feedings, colic, temper tantrums and potty training for years to come. Well, I wasn’t love struck with either of my two children, and I think many first-time parents fear that moment won’t come for them either.

For centuries, a number of cultures have expected that parents need instruction in lov-ing their children (see Titus 2:5 in the New Testament of the Bible), as if they knew it didn’t always come naturally. In many traditional cultures around the world today, older women take on the responsibility of teaching younger women how to love and care for children. I myself have experienced the common cultural practice of Chinese grandmothers critiquing young mothers, both expressing their grand-motherly concern for children and helping train young mothers in a wider community. More than likely, these grandmothers deeply under-

stand the mother’s struggle to fully love a child every second of the day.

Since I had to learn how to love my child from others and from experience, I collaborated with family therapists Dr. George Hu, a clinical psychologist at Beijing United Family Hospital and Clinics, and his wife Lucia Hu, a counselor trained in Canada, to provide you with practical ideas for fostering a strong and loving relation-ship with your child. I also pulled nuggets from a book I highly recommend on this topic, How to Really Love Your Child by Doctor Ross Campbell, M.D.

It starts from you If you want to have a stron-ger relationship with your child, the initiation needs to come from you. Children learn how to love primarily from mom and dad. This affords parents both great power and greater respon-sibility to forge a strong relationship. Dr. Campbell

illuminates, “The feeling of love for a child in our heart may be strong, but it is not enough. By our behavior a child sees our love ... A child is far more affected by our actions than by our words.”

Make your life easier When I first moved to Beijing, I tried to navi-gate public transportation with two toddlers without a double stroller. I was trying to save money, but the unnecessary dose of stress out-

weighed the cost savings. Families going through transition, a sustained pe-riod of difficult or trying circumstances, or those newly arrived in Beijing should all pay careful atten-tion to their stress levels. Dr. Hu explains: “Moving to a different city and culture can be very stressful on families, and it’s important that parents recognize when their own personal stress or

“Watching TV or playing video games together is not exactly the same as di-rect engagement, even though it’s a shared experience”

Growing PainsHow to create a loving relationship with your child

FAMILY

Vanessa Jencksknows the power

of love

Beijing Parents & Kids | 4342 | April 9-May 6