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05/03/2019 Executive Dilemmas: How To Handle Difficult Relationships In The Workplace - Future Women

EXECUTIVE DILEMMAS: HOW TO HANDLE DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS IN THE WORKPLACE

CAREER Conflict resolution is difficult to navigate at any level, but especially in the C-suite. So, how can you get back on track with a fellow executive without things turning sour? Three C-suite career coaches weigh in.

By Natalie Cornish

e’ve all experienced it. Think back to the last time you felt your temper flare during a particularly heated exchange with a difficult colleague which ended in a disagreement. Maybe a flurry of tense emails followed, or, worse still, communication broke down entirely.

Rising to the top of your field often comes with unexpected challenges. While conflict resolution and managing upwards is a given as your seniority increases, juggling peer-to-peer relationships at an executive level means deploying a whole new skill set. One that isn’t always intuitive, especially when you’re dealing with differing personality types who are paid to be equally non-compromising and vocal.

Here, three career coaches share practical steps to navigate tricky work relationships at executive level, along with their top tips for breaking the stalemate and getting back on track when things have soured.

Take Yourself Out Of The Situation

“First and most importantly, never react,” London-based executive coach and psychologist Dr Perpetua Neo says. “When passions are high, everything is potentially on a highway to hell. Withdraw yourself from the situation for a little while. Give it time and space.”

Australian career, business and life coach Kate James, the founder of Melbourne practice Total Balance, agrees. “Get yourself grounded. Make sure you feel that you’re not responding from an emotional place, and even responding internally,” she says. “Really check that it is a personality clash, because we don’t want to jump to conclusions too quickly. Also check that it’s not just a difference of opinion, don’t write off the relationship straight away.”

Study The Issue Objectively

Maturity is incredibly important here, as is the ability to see where your own failings lie, so don’t be tempted to rush into making things ‘right’. “The best form of action is often inaction,” Dr Neo says. “You can bear with a few hours of non-action. This will buy you back time and sanity.

“During this withdrawing phase, ask yourself questions like ‘Is it personal?’, ‘What is triggering the person?’, ‘What about our personalities is so different?’ and ‘How can I propose a middle ground?’ Know that it might be up to you to smooth the path over. Forewarned is forearmed.”

Get Clarity

James points out that taking the emotion out of a disagreement makes it easier to see what happened from both sides, and Skip to then find a way forward based on the matter at hand. “If you feel it warrants it, I think the first thing would be to have a content conversation with the person from a non-accusatory place,” she says. “You know check in and see if there’s anything you can

clarify. You know you’ve had a difference, but get clarity on what that is.” https://futurewomen.com/leadership/career/executive-dilemmas-how-to-handle-difficult-relationships-in-the-workplace/ 1/5

05/03/2019 Executive Dilemmas: How To Handle Difficult Relationships In The Workplace - Future Women

Remember The Other Person Is Also Human

We’re all guilty of feeling wronged, and letting that resentment linger, which is why simply seeing yourself and others as imperfect is so important. “Always ask yourself, where is this person’s defensiveness coming from? If you can allow yourself to step back and consider everyone else as human, it’ll help prevent you from reacting. Instead you can respond wisely and create win-win situations,” Dr Neo says.

Careers and life coach Katie Casey, a director at London-based IDology – a movement dedicated to helping individuals and organisations be authentic versions of themselves – believes empathy is key. “Criticism often breeds criticism. Pride often breeds pride,” she says. “Choosing a place of empathy which is often demonstrated by a different use of language, space, and time with people, often means negative emotions get a chance to dissipate. Be someone who adds water to their fire rather than keeps the embers burning.”

Challenge Your Own Prejudices And Assumptions

“It’s very easy to move quickly into assumptive ‘black and white’ thinking about people,” Casey says. “People are rarely one thing or the other, but our natural tendency to label people when we encounter a negative experience with them, means we limit our opportunities to create movement within our relationships. Try to remain curious and open to who that person may be, which will allow you to think more creatively about different opportunities to meet in the middle somewhere.”

Checking the stories we tell ourselves about others, and then altering the negative narrative around personality types, makes managing conflict more straightforward. “We can get caught in the other person’s energy,” James says. “We can end up pretty much in a lose-lose situation, so I think if someone has a big ego, maybe that’s okay.

“We don’t want to add stories, we don’t want to add that there’s anything wrong with someone needing or feeling that they need their ego stroked. If we come from a place of feeling pretty grounded and confident in ourselves, we don’t need to add an extra story to that.”

Dr Neo agrees: “If you approach this from the perspective that having a disagreement is not personal, this can help greatly. Often, we take things personally and get riled up. And this spirals us down the rabbit hole of resentment and toxicity. Instead, ask yourself, ‘Why does X see things this way? And how can I meet them in the middle?’”

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05/03/2019 Executive Dilemmas: How To Handle Difficult Relationships In The Workplace - Future Women

Play To Their Strengths With Humility

Casey says we shouldn’t view business conversations in terms of winning or losing, because it’s “rarely useful”.

“The idea of ‘winning’ or ‘losing’ is a competitive metaphor we have borrowed from sport,” she says. “It’s based on polar opposites and is rarely a useful way to think about or respond to business conversations, which are more subtle and nuanced.

“However, if you are ‘battling’ your opponent, try to graciously add to their argument rather than dismiss it. Use language such as ‘and’ rather than ‘but’.”

Dr Neo agrees. “A key thing is never to point out directly what you understand to be happening, like ‘I know you feel threatened’ or ‘You can’t handle criticism’ – that isn’t being honest, that’s simply relationship suicide. Instead, use your knowledge as intel to help you navigate the situation,” she says. Casey believes humility is so important here.

“If you do ‘win’, take a leaf out of Serena Williams’s book, and show the kind of humility to your opponent that lets them know they made you work, and up your game. See ‘victory’ as a shared achievement and ‘loss’ as a process of learning. It’s how we make people feel about our wins or losses that can be disruptive. So stay in the moment. If you don’t let the adoration or humiliation go to your head, they won’t either.”

Different Personality Types Call For Different Approaches

Whether you’ve clashed with the big ego who wounds easily, or the colleague who feels you’re on their patch, don’t be tempted to employ a universal approach to resolution.

“If someone feels threatened, or can’t handle criticism, you know they are generally defensive and possibly quite paranoid about someone out to trip them,” Dr Neo says. “In this case, be cautious about criticising them. Look for common grounds in your discussions to diffuse any potential drama. Or bring in a third party who gets along with both of you to help smooth over the situation.”

“Also if someone has a big ego, they tend to like compliments,” she adds. “People like compliments that are about the small things others don’t notice. So, say someone is known for their intelligence, praise them for something else you notice they are good at. That might help diffuse the situation. Of course, make sure you genuinely believe in your compliment!”

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05/03/2019 Executive Dilemmas: How To Handle Difficult Relationships In The Workplace - Future Women

“It takes courage to make the first move, apologise, reach out, or even just acknowledge things are awkward” says Casey. But by doing so you pave the way for more discussion, or a clean slate. You can’t hot-wire connection, but you can re-connect it with time and acknowledgement. The next step is up to you. Perhaps it’s directing attention towards something more positive? Or working through the problem again in a different way? But elephants in rooms rarely move without at least a little nudge in the right direction. Being a nudger takes confidence. But it also takes the credit.”

Hone This Technique When Compromising

Most of us struggle to give ground, especially when we’re used to leading from the front. Compromise, though, is essential when resolving conflict at executive level in order not to let the situation spiral into stalemate.

“Look for the common ground,” Dr Neo says. “Underscore what you are in agreement with, and why. And then ask clarification questions about the areas to which you diverge. Seek to understand. Then, ask for permission to share your perspective. This way, their guard is lowered, and they will likely feel less defensive. Know this isn’t simply about winning or the ego. Instead, it’s about working towards the best outcomes.”

And To Help Things Move Forward

“Organise a quick debrief so you can both talk things through, with the intention of working together more harmoniously and/or efficiently the next time,” Dr Neo says. “During this meeting, you can both discuss what you both could do differently next time (versus ‘you were wrong/I was right’ type finger-pointing) so it’s more about trouble-shooting and improvements rather than pettiness.

“If you’re working with a psychopath or narcissist – the types with personality disorders who cannot and will not change – it’s still useful to have these debriefs to be firm and show them you mean business. After the meeting, write a quick email on what you both agreed to so you have a point of reference that you can refer to.”

James says going into any such discussion with expectations is a no-no.

“Attempting to have an open and honest discussion is always the best way,” she explains. “That might begin by owning your own part in it, but without feeling that in owning your part in it, that you need the other person to do the same thing. It’s really hard but a lot of it is about coming without our own ego. And bringing our adult selves into the room, the really grown up part of ourselves where we can behave without any of that passive aggressive or manipulative behaviour. Or needing to be right. Sometimes it can be quite powerful to just let go of being right.”

Remember You’re The Only One Responsible For Your Own Behaviour

“When you add another person to the equation, there is fundamentally going to be a loss of control in the outcome, so controlling your perspective and responses are key, and also trusting your gut wisdom,” Dr Neo says. “Ultimately, don’t get too personal about this. They’re not your friends. They are your colleagues. You’re not here to please everyone – internalising this perspective shift can help immensely.”

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