Etiquette of Rishtā Na’ata-navigating the spouse selection process

(Or, ‘my child is ready to be married- now what?’)National Lajna Mentoring Conference 2015

Marriage in Islam• We read in Chapter 30, Verse 22 of the Holy Qur’ān:

"And one of His signs is that He created wives for you from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and He has put love and tenderness between you; in that surely are signs for a people who reflect"(Holy Qur’an, Surah Al-Rum 30:22).• The Holy Prophet (ṣallallāhu ‘alaihi wasallam) has said:

Marriage is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are not of me. (Ibn Majah)

When a man has married he has completed one half of his religion. (Mishkat)

Parents’ responsibilityWhen we think about the countless responsibilities Ahmadī Muslim parents are expected to fulfill, two come to mind as the most challenging: • The first is helping our children to complete their first reading

of the Holy Qur’ān, a significant milestone in their early lives that will help to set them on the right path, Insha’Allāh.

• The other most challenging responsibility is helping our children to select a spouse, the person with whom they will stay on that right path and, Insha’Allāh, ‘live happily ever after’

Allāh Tawakul• Deciding whom to marry is, without doubt, one of the most important

decisions a person has to make• Begin with absolute and unwavering trust in Almighty Allāh, sincere and

dedicated prayer, and an open mind and heart• Start praying for the blessings of a good match from when children are

born• As Hazrat Mir Nāsir Nawwab (ra) [father of Hazrat Amman Jan (ra)] said:

…“since this daughter of mine was born, I have never missed a namaz (prayer) in which I have not prayed: ‘O Allāh Almighty, whichever man is most agreeable and suitable in Your eyes, make my daughter’s marriage knot with him’”

Understanding the system reliance on prayer and trust in Allāh

a strong bond of communication and understanding between parents and children

free and willing consent of both parties involved (not only of the parents)

consultation with parents and /or other trusted advisors throughout the process

a resolve to maintain Islāmic boundaries of modesty, respect & confidentiality throughout the process (& beyond)

no option of courtship prior to marriage; no dating

marriage is a lifetime commitment

Sincerity of purpose• When the time is right, go into the process with a clear and

correct intention, fully immersed in Taqwa above all else. This will help both parents and children to be more sure of what, or rather who, it is they are looking for….

• "O ye who believe! Fear Allah and say the straightforward word."

(Holy Qur'an 33:71)• The Holy Prophet (saw) taught us that deeds are judged by

motives - the process of selecting a spouse is no exception.

Parent-child communication is key• Parents should not assume they know every single like or dislike

of their child; ask, listen carefully, guide patiently• In order to do this successfully, parents need to be sure they

themselves understand each stage of the process: seek guidance from elders in the family and / or trusted friends, preferably those who have been through the process and, of course, Rishtā Na’ata coordinators are always available for consultation*

• Children need to be convinced that their parents are acting in their best interests at every stage of the process

Honesty is always the best policy

• We should aim to present our children in an accurate, positive light, both on paper and in person – this goes for everything from moral, academic and physical qualities to life goals and interests; we should aspire to be real and sincere, never misleading or dishonest about family, education, finances, health etc.

Keeping the bigger picture in mind• In his remarks to the Rishtā Na’ata Committees of the UK and Canada in 2013,

Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) said that the Rishtā Na’ata Department is a very important one. It should be explained to people that we must not destroy our future generations for the sake of any temporary gain or on account of our desires. We must preserve our familial ties and safeguard our future generations. We must make sacrifices for the sake of our children and develop steadfastness and patience. Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) said that, though it seems a minor detail, still everyone must be made to understand why they are Ahmadī Muslims, why they have accepted the Promised Messiah (peace be upon him) and the importance our faith has in our lives. We must preserve our identity.

Keeping the bigger picture in mind• He also stated “During counselling sessions prospective marriage candidates

should be clearly told what the goal of marriage is. Moreover, counselors ought to discuss the marital teachings of Islam and explore the candidates own feelings on the subject. Candidates ought to be made aware of their family background, the sacrifices of their elders and the many favors which God has bestowed upon them. They should be told that the best way to thank God for his numerous bounties is to travel on the same path of virtue as taken by their elders and thereby preserve the dignity and honor of their family name.''

• Huzoor repeated that the most important thing in any marriage is piety and virtue.

Is it necessary to exchange photographs immediately?

• Huzoor’s (may Allāh be his Helper) advice in this regard is that a family ought to be given personal details of a potential proposal first, and a photograph shown afterwards

• Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) also said: The Holy Prophet (saw) enjoined that if a man with good morals and piety comes with a marriage proposal, his offer should be accepted; he admonished that the four aspects a woman is married for are her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her piety, and that one ought to give preference to her piety.

• Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) remarked that those who have physical appearance as an important criterion should pre-determine through photographs whether they wish to proceed or not with a match and should avoid humiliating girls by visiting and then rejecting them on the grounds of appearance. Huzoor reiterated that if they gave preference to piety they would be the recipients of the Holy Prophet’s (saw) prayers

(Friday Sermon 12.24.2004)

Photographs (contd.)• Generally speaking, it is observed that the majority of male candidates

(and their mothers) prefer to see a photograph early on; men (and/or their mothers) will frequently reject a proposal on the basis of looks alone.

• Female candidates do request a photograph but are found to be more willing than men to look beyond physical attributes alone

• The Rishtā Na’ata Department prefers to allow families to handle photograph exchanges independently, assuming sufficient interest has been shown by both parties. However, the department coordinators are always available to help with this as required, within Jama’at guidelines

The Meeting and ‘Background Checks’• If basic information and photographs have been exchanged and the intention is to

explore further, there is the option of the candidates speaking via phone to get an idea of each other’s personalities. Some families prefer to bypass this step and arrange to meet directly.

• Remember, your child will be marrying a person, not a photograph or a set of impressive data; due diligence will be needed to look into references of potential matches and their families and this should be done prior to any meeting.

• Getting a trusted and reliable friend or community member, office holder or missionary involved can help to verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful.

• Be assured that everyone involved is equally nervous and self-conscious during the meeting stage because everyone from both sides is being assessed to some degree or other….

Keep expectations realistic & minimal• It is unrealistic to rely on one ‘perfect’ pre-conceived ideal for a future spouse. It is

preferable to be open to different people and not refuse to meet or to talk with someone simply because they do not fit an image we may have created of the “perfect partner.”

• In fact, there’s no such thing as a perfect match, there is the right match that will be made easy for your child, if you allow yourself to consider it with honesty, an open heart and, of course, complete faith in Allāh.

• Perhaps this person is not as tall//thin/educated/ rich/ fair-complexioned as you had envisioned a spouse to be? Does that really have to be a deal-breaker? There are positive traits in everyone - focus on those and keep expectations at a moderate level, as is the Islāmic way.

Advice from Hazrat Amman Jan (ra)• Hazrat Amman Jan (ra) gave the following guidance:

“A woman’s ‘beauty’ is based upon her piety and her good household management.” She also said that “modesty is part of a woman’s beauty.”

Similarly, when seeking a husband, Hazrat Amman Jan (ra) said one should look at a man’s piety and the habits of his family. She said that a man’s employment and place of abode were less important factors to consider.

Outer beauty fades; inner beauty is forever• It is wise to remind ourselves and our children that physical appearance,

including their own, changes over time. This may be difficult to imagine when we are young but it’s worth mentioning nevertheless.

• At the same time, it is our duty as parents to point out to our children that if a person’s Taqwa and good moral character (qualities which are not known to fade with time) predominate over physical attributes, they should have faith that a real and lasting attraction can develop over time, sometimes without one even realizing it. We can grow accustomed to looks and we can come to love and cherish them indiscriminately, even if they do not fit perfectly into what we had previously considered to be ‘ideal’.*

No-one is perfect• Be kind, not over-judgmental; the blessings of time

and maturity can, and do, bring about self-reformation in most people.

• After all, your child is probably not perfect in every way either!

Rishtā Na’ata Coordinators’ FeedbackFYI: Examples of the kinds of requests / comments which Rishtā Na’ata Coordinators sometimes hear from parents and from candidates:

‘My son is very educated; he doesn’t want a girl who observes purdah (it may not fit with his professional life)’ *

‘We are Rajputs / Jatts /Kakke Zai’i; we are not interested in any proposal outside of our own ethnic group’

‘Why can’t we go back to the days when a marriage was literally arranged by parents, children were obedient and knew what was expected of them? Why do young people of today expect to have so much input?’

‘We searched this candidate online and do not like what we have seen; we do not wish to proceed with this proposal’*

Feedback (contd.)• ‘I am looking not only for a wife who is well-educated, both of her

parents must be well- educated too.’*• ‘Our daughter has a new job contract which requires her to stay in

this city for X months. Her husband will need to live here’*• ‘Our daughter does not want to leave this area; we do not want her

to move far away from us either’* • One coordinator mentioned the challenge of repeatedly hearing the

following response from families who have been presented with multiple potential matches; each time the response is the same: ‘Istikhara prayer was offered; the outcome was negative’

Not a decision to be rushed• Deciding whom to marry is not a decision that should be

made in haste. It does not always have to take a long time (in fact extended procrastination is unfair to the other party) but it is necessary to give ourselves enough time to really engage our minds in the decision and to pray sincerely for guidance.

• Parents, close family and friends who know us and our children well, can provide vital insights into what kind of person may or may not be compatible with our families.

Valuable Insight• The Holy Prophet (saw) taught his Companions to seek counsel with Allāh

whenever they had a decision to make- Salatul ‘Istikhara is invaluable here. By seeking Allāh’s counsel, we remind ourselves that all knowledge of what is good or bad for us resides with Him, and that we are in need of Him to guide us to and make easy for us that which is best for us. This helps us achieve a level of peace with whatever happens.

• Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) has stated the principle that matrimonial relations should not be decided on emotions; rather they should be decided after careful consideration and seeking the help of Allāh who is All-Embracing. Such matches are blessed by Allāh and He graces them with great scope

(Friday Sermon 05.15.2009)

Pre-marital counseling• Pre-marital counseling is offered to all couples who

request it. As you have heard during this presentation, Huzoor (aba) has recommended it in response to various queries posed by the UK and Canadian Rishtā Na’ata Committees.

• The US Rishtā Na’ata Department is here to help. For more information, please contact Rishtā Na’ata Lajna Liaison, Aziza Rahman (Aziza.Rahman@rishtanata.us )

Closing thoughts & a loving prayer• Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) said it is the responsibility of the entire

society to pay attention to the marriage of those who are marriageable. Huzoor explained the importance of arranging marriages within the Community. He said it promotes unity and ensures that the next generation is raised in a pious environment (Friday Sermon, 12.24.2004)

• Huzoor (may Allāh be his Helper) urged all to co-operate with the Rishtā Na’ata department within the administrative system of the Community. In conclusion

• Huzoor (aba) prayed: May we be enabled to arrange marriages of those who are orphaned and of widows in accordance with the Qur’anic injunction and may Allah alleviate the anxiety of those parents of marriageable girls who are anxious, Amīn (Friday Sermon, 12.24.2004)