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Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment For this assignment you are to choose one paragraph from an in-class essay on which to focus your revision. Think about areas of revision—not editing—on which you need to improve:

Development of paragraphs

Explanation of rhetorical features

Analysis and effects of rhetorical features

Sentence structure or syntax

Although you are more than welcome to edit your text for mechanical errors or improved word choice, you will be focusing on revision in your writing. The Specifics

1. Reread one, two, or more in-class essays, and choose a single paragraph on which to work.

2. Draw a box around the paragraph.

3. In a word processing document, type your original paragraph, making any editing changes you’d like.

4. At the top of your document, type a list of the revision areas on which you’ll focus.

5. Reread your typed paragraph and begin rethinking your presentation of ideas.

6. Delete, add, and rework sentences.

We will use this printed assignment in class, so be certain that you thoroughly improve your paragraph. Attached are examples for your reference.

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Sample Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—1

+ Development

Astrid’s guilt weighs down on her, but she can’t do anything as described through

tiring repetition. She is weak and helpless in “heavy days” with “heavy wings.” The echo of

“heavy” emphasizes that Astrid’s guilt is a load that she carries with her. This burden

restricts her movement and her happiness. She is trapped by what happened, and there

seems to be no escape. Police want to know wheat happened, but Astrid can’t lie to help

Ingrid. Ingrid’s “white eyeballs” show no mercy. Astrid does not want the blame for

Ingrid’s arrest. She prays for “white milk,” “milk down the gutter,” and “milk like tears.”

Ingrid haunts Astrid causing desperation for mercy. The reappearance of “white” and “milk”

illustrates this plea driven by shame. Ingrid ties Astrid down with blame, preventing

anything else from entering her thoughts. Astrid becomes preoccupied with hoping for

sympathy. Her sympathy does not come, and all she has to cling to is sorrow.

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Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—2

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-Sentence structure

-Clarity of ideas

-Explanation

In the middle of the passage, Fitch shifts into ironic diction. With her words, she

shows the reader that Starr and her family believe going to church and having religion is

very important. The family’s distorted view of God, however, is not what is keeping them

together. Uncle Ray gets “stoned” before entering the sanctuary, displaying the fact that

although he values being with his family on Easter, he does not believe that going to church

as a family is a worth while way to be together. Starr’s eyes “beg” the pastor for the

“blood” of Christ, showing her desperation to find a way to excuse all of the mistakes she

has made through the alliterative “b” sound, and demonstrating her need to believe in

something greater to be motivated to better herself and her life. Astrid “pray[s]” to “feel”

that there is something “bigger than just [her]” in the world because she fears being alone.

She uses God to curb the loneliness she feels from losing her mother. Astrid and her family

cast all of their burdens onto the “sagging Jesus” at the front of the “cinder block” church as

a last attempt to patch up their family’s problems. Fitch’s ironic diction shows that Astrid’s

family turns to the concept of a greater being to solve their problems, even though their

view of religion is not the key to saving the family.

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Essay Paragraph Revision Assignment—3

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• Sentence structure • Word choice

Kate uses multiple comparisons in her closing speech to explain how wives should

behave and how she has changed. Kate’s simile “a woman moved is like a fountain

troubled” displays that rebellious and angry women are “bereft of beauty” and “dry or

thirsty.” Like a person unable to drink out of a dirty fountain, a defiant woman will be

unable to quench her thirst. This misery is accentuated by the simile “blots thy beauty as

frosts do bite the meads.” If women do not obey their husbands, they will suffer like

meadows do after the frost. The metaphoric “prince” demonstrates how important Kate

finds her husband. Kate considers “love, fair looks and true obedience” “too little payment

for so great a debt.” She compares a “subject” to a “women” and a “prince” to a “husband”

to cement her view. These simile’s and metaphors emphasize Kate’s view of how women

should behave for their husbands.