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CONJURORDICK

by Professor HoffmannThis work has been kindly donated toThe Learned Pig Project by Jim Hoy.

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Conjuror Dick was published in 1885and is not autobiographical as stated in"L'ENVOI" but pure fiction.

In the first edition--not this one--both"Angelo Lewis" and "ProfessorHoffmann appeared on the title page.This was corrected in all subsequenteditions. The "Professor" did not feelthat it was good for his legal practice tohave it generally known that he wrotebooks on conjuring and related topics.The first edition of this novel is the onlytime his real name (Angelo Lewis) andhis nom de plume (Professor Hoffmann)appeared in the same work.

"Conjuror Dick" is ProfessorHoffmann's only novel, although hewrote numerous short stort stories, someof which won literary awards.

Conjuror Dick

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Conjuror DickProf. Hoffmann

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CONTENTS.CHAPTER I.Early Recollections—-My Uncle Bumpus and the Plate-Warmer—-MyAunt Priscilla—-An Interrupted Banquet—-Our Own Household—-JemimaJackett—-Domestic Diplomacy—-Our First-Floor Lodger—-AnUnfounded Suspicion

CHAPTER II.My First School—-A Sad Humiliation—-The Misses Potter and their LittleWeaknesses—-An Unrequited Attachment—-An Effectual Cure—-MySecond School

CHAPTER III.My First Introduction to the Major—-The "Other Things"—-A DelightfulPromise—-A Deadly Combat

CHAPTER IV.Athletic Exercises—-The Noble Art of Self-Defence—-Our NewGymnasium—-My First Pantomime Harlequin Der Freischiitz and theSeven Bad Shots—-In Love with Columbine—-An UnexpectedRival—-Disillusion

CHAPTER V.My First Visit to a Conjuring Entertainment-—MyEnthusiasm-—Extraordinary Indifference of Peter-—Early Studies inPrestidigitation-—The Tribulations of a Neophyte

CHAPTER VI.Dumpton College--A Rash Promise--The Major's Parting Advice--Showingmy Colours--A Struggle for Religious Liberty--An UnexpectedVictory--Wanted by the Vice-Principal--All Well that Ends Well--The Lastof Gunter.

CHAPTER VII.My First Appearance as a Conjurer—Preliminary Preparations—MyProgramme—A New Remedy for Nervousness—Grandfather's Clock—ABreakdown in the Musical Department—A Flying Egg—The Wanderingsof a Halfpenny—Curious Effects of the Human Breath—The Mysterious

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Die—The Magic Hornpipe

CHAPTER VIII.The Second Part of my Entertainment—The Phoenix Card—A MysteriousDisappearance—The Inexhaustible Bottle—A Cure for Greediness—TheDoctor's Speech

CHAPTER IX.Home for the Holidays—Peter in Low Spirits—Attempts atConsolation—Peter Runs Away—Breaking the News—Return to DumptonCollege—At Home Once More—Showing Off—An Awful Retribution—AMoral Safety Valve

CHAPTER X.The Last of my Reprieve—The Modern Cagliostro—An UnexpectedOpening—Testing my Capabilities—Assistant to a Conjurer

CHAPTER XI.My Flight—A Wizard at Home—The Professor and his Family—MadameLinda and the Duchess—My New Quarters—A Big Box and a SmallBedroom—The Difficulty Solved

CHAPTER XII.Reconnoitring the Premises—Lily and her Dog Tip—The "Second Sight"Trick—Beginning Work—Gimp the Money-Taker—The Professor'sProgramme—Opinions of the Press—Behind the Scenes—Learning myBusiness

CHAPTER XIII.Breaking the News of my Flight—Mistaken Suppositions—The Lack of aDress-coat—My First Experiences as a Gentleman Usher—AwkwardCustomers—Money-making Extraordinary—A Sceptic Convinced—AnEnchanted Handkerchief—A Light-headed Gentleman

CHAPTER XIV.The Clairvoyance Trick—Mesmeric Influence—The SuspendedWand—The Obedient Ball—The Fairy Violante—The Morality ofConjuring

CHAPTER XV.Professor Ledoyen—Card-Conjuring Extraordinary—Appealing to the"Spirits"—A Transformation Trick—A Dazzling Promise

CHAPTER XVI.The Sober Side of Conjuring—A Magician at Rehearsal—ExhaustedEnergies—A Dangerous Remedy—A Remarkable Hat—An EnthusiasticAmateur—Lessons in Magic—A New Occupation

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CHAPTER XVII.Starting for a Country Tour—Brighton—Walks with Lily—The Professor'sReligious Opinions—A Visit to Oxford—A Liar Exposed

CHAPTER XVIII.Crossing the Channel—A Life on the Ocean Wave—Gimp on SteamboatTravelling—A Visit to Ostend—The Chevalier d'Arras—Poor FredHoward—A Tragical History—Pointing a Moral

CHAPTER XIX.Bruges—Ghent—Brussels—A Serious Dilemma—The Only Way out ofit—A Bed-chamber Rehearsal—The Mysteries of "Make-Up"—My firstPublic Show—Washing the Paint off—An Unexpected Meeting—PuttingThings in a New Light—Letters from Home

CHAPTER XX.Arrival in Paris—Gastronomic Experiences—Gimp Missing—TheMorgue—Return of the Prodigal—The History of his Adventures—AnEpicurean Banquet—Presenting the Bill

CHAPTER XXI.The Gingerbread Fair—A Trip by Rail—Merry-go-RoundsExtraordinary—Sea on Land—A Montagne Russe—TheShooting-Galleries—The Encyclopedie Methodique—The TonquineseDwarf and the Fair Cleopatra

CHAPTER XXII.A Spiritualistic Seance—Harmonising the Influences—Too MuchLight—Remarkable Manifestations —The Sceptical Doctor—TheProfessor open to Conviction—The Third Sitting—A SuddenIllumination—Discomfiture of the Medium—"How it wasDone"—Supplementary Revelations

CHAPTER XXIII.Departure from Paris—A Round of Watering-Places—The Professor goingto the Bad—Lily—Hopes and Fears—A Terrible Verdict—Returning toBrighton —The Beginning of the End—A Last Promise—Lily'sLegacy—Dust to Dust—A Faithful Friend

CHAPTER XXIV.Stricken Household—A Gallant Struggle—Victory at Last—A Council ofWar—Shall we go to America?—Hesitation—A Letter from theMajor—The Death of Uncle Bumpus—Attending the Funeral—TheReading of the Will—Refusing a Legacy—A FamilyConclave—Unexpected Revelations

L'ENVOI

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CHAPTER I.Early Recollections—-My Uncle Bumpus and the Plate-Warmer—-My Aunt

Priscilla—-An Interrupted Banquet—-Our Own Household—-JemimaJackett—-Domestic Diplomacy—-Our First-Floor Lodger—-An Unfounded

Suspicion.

INTERROGATING my memory for the purposes of this history, I findthat the most prominent positions among my early recollections areoccupied by my Uncle Bumpus, and a plate-warmer. I should be disposed,indeed, to give the place of honour to the plate-warmer, as involving thepleasanter associations. It was a small sheet-iron cupboard on four legs,japanned red externally, and black internally. I am inclined to believe thatthe outside had been originally red and gold, but on this point I feel boundto speak with caution. It had shelves inside, and a door in front, but,(hereinresembling the poor savage)

"Whose untutored mindClothes him in front, but leaves him bare behind,"

it was open in the rear, in order, no doubt, when placed before a fire, toallow free access of caloric to the plates within. People don't make suchplate-warmers now. Possibly they passed away with the openkitchen-ranges; or possibly they were not found, as plate-warmers, asuccess. The calm judgment of maturer years suggests that they would beapt to make one edge of the plate unpleasantly hot, while leaving theopposite extremity comparatively cold, but no such irreverent doubtstroubled my juvenile mind; indeed, I question whether I ever regarded ourplate-warmer in the light of a plate-warmer at all. In its normal position itfigured as a Punch-and-Judy Show, a pulpit, a robbers' cave, shops ofvarious kinds, and even, on emergency, as a light-house. Laid on its face itbecame a boat, an open carriage, or a railway truck. On its back itrepresented an old oak chest or the entrance to a subterranean passage, andon its side a wine cellar, a house to let, and a wild beast-show. Once, it wasSpurgeon's Tabernacle. We hadn't the least idea what a tabernacle was; andin later years, on actually visiting the edifice in question, I rememberthinking, with almost a sense of injury, that it wasn't a bit like the

Chapter I


plate-warmer. On one occasion, in our very early days, my brother Petercaused me great anguish of mind, and made me weep bitterly, bysuggesting that the plate-warmer should represent a Catacomb. Why Ishould have drawn the line at catacombs, I don't know, for I had never seenone, but the proposal caused me so much distress that Peter, who was agood-natured boy, gave up the point at once, and we compounded for anAsylum instead.

Quite recently, at an evening party, I was introduced to a partner, with thewords "This young lady is an old acquaintance of yours, Mr. Hazard." Thelady gave me her hand with a blush and a smile, saying as she did so, "Youhaven't forgotten your old friend Nelly Barnes, Mr. Hazard?" I looked ather, and began to ransack the outlying districts of my memory, but in vain. Iwould have given a great deal, under the circumstances, to be able to saythat I had not forgotten Nelly Barnes, for Nelly Barnes was a remarkablypretty girl, but for the life of me I could not recall even her name. As for myhaving intimately known the fair damsel whose laughing eyes wereenjoying my discomfiture, it seemed impossible. "You must help me," Isaid at last. "Crushing as the confession is, I really don't remember you." "Itis too bad of you to have forgotten," she said, "though it is a good manyyears ago. Don't you remember Tilbury Street, and the fun we used to havewith the dear old plate-warmer?" The allusion to the plate-warmer lightedup the darkened chambers of my memory. The mystery was solved. Manyyears before, my fair friend's parents and mine had been next-doorneighbours, though I might well be excused for not having at oncerecognized my little playfellow of six in the white-shouldered Juno ofsix-and-twenty who stood beside me. Explaining my lapse of memory onthis ground I soon obtained absolution, and we spent a great portion of theevening very pleasantly in reviving old recollections. I tried to drift awayfrom the plate-warmer, which somehow seemed to spoil the romance of thething, but it was to no purpose. We could no more keep it out of our jointreminiscences than Mr. Dick could keep Charles the First's head out of hisMemorial.

The second figure, as I have stated, that stands out prominently in myrecollections of my early years is that of my Uncle Bumpus. Strictlyspeaking, he was my great uncle, having been an uncle of my father, but hewas always called by the shorter title. Viewing Uncle Bumpus (like theplate-warmer) with the more impartial judgment of later years, I aminclined to believe that he may have been a harmless, well-meaning oldgentleman, but to my childish fancy he appeared a sort of malevolent Djinn,an incarnation of the all-work-and-no-play (and-very-little-pocket-money)principle, which of all things is most abhorrent to the healthy juvenile mind.He was a draper in the Tottenham Court Road, and a deacon of a religiousfraternity known as Particular Baptists. What may have been their tenets Ihaven't the remotest idea, but I am clear about the name, because I

Chapter I


remember wondering whether all the other Baptists were as particular asUncle Bumpus. He was a little man, with a tendency to what is politelyknown as a "corporation," walked very upright, dressed always in black,with a white necktie, and wore his hair very short and brushed upwards,without any parting, suggesting to the casual spectator an angry hedgehog.He wore a gigantic silver watch, which he hauled up from the depths of amysterious pocket (known, I believe as a 'fob') by means of a bunch of sealsattached to a broad black ribbon. His increasing stoutness made this amatter of increasing difficulty; indeed, it was only by holding his breath anddrawing in his waist that he was able to extract it at all, and the sameprocess had to be gone through to replace it. Knowing this, my brotherPeter and myself took a mischievous pleasure in asking him the timewhenever we could find the slightest excuse for doing so. He was very deaf,but it was not safe to trust to his deafness, for like a good many deaf people,he had an aggravating knack of catching just the word or sentence whichwas least intended for his hearing. His house was kept for him by a maidensister, known to us youngsters as Aunt Priscilla, or more shortly, Aunt Pris.She was, in her way, quite as great an oddity as her brother. She was verytall, and made herself seem taller still by wearing three large braids ofobviously false hair, arranged in tiers above her forehead, and an immensecap, profusely decorated with flowers and ribbons, above all. Though notfar short of sixty, and looking her full age, she always regarded herself asone of the "young people," and took every occasion to intimate by suchphrases as "if I ever marry," or even sometimes, "when I marry," that she byno means considered herself out of the matrimonial running. I noticed thatshe did not usually make any remark of this kind in her brother's presence,but on one occasion, I remember, she chanced to use the latter sentence justas Uncle Bumpus entered the room, and with his usual knack of hearingwhat was not intended for him, he caught the words. He looked sternly ather, grunted, rather than said, "When—pigs—fly!" and went out again.Aunt Priscilla made no reply, but she was evidently wounded, for shesniffed audibly, and made little surreptitious dabs at her eyes with thecorner of her pocket handkerchief, at intervals during the remainder of theevening. She affected to be in very delicate health; indeed, I never knew herto admit that she was perfectly well. We boys used now and then, for thesake of fun, to compliment her on her appearance. "Yes, my dear, I lookwell, I daresay," she would reply; "it's the misfortune of highly nervousorganisations, like mine, to look well, even under the most unfavourablecircumstances. But I'm far from strong, far from strong, I assure you."

Another little fiction in which Aunt Pris. indulged was that of having anextremely small appetite. "Thank you, it must be the 'weeniest' little bit inthe world," she would say, on being asked to partake of anything at table;but the succession of "weeny" little bits mounted up, before the close of themeal, to a very substantial total. Uncle Bumpus, who understood herweaknesses, was accustomed to ignore altogether her expressed desire for a

Chapter I


very minute allowance, and to help her, on the contrary, to very liberalportions; but when, as occasionally happened, she was served by a strangerwho took her at her word, poor Aunt Priscilla's little manoeuvres tosupplement the deficiency were most amusing. She was extremelygood-natured, and though a careful housekeeper, was always very kind andliberal to my brother and myself. Many a shilling and half-a-crown have wehad slipped into our hands by Aunt Priscilla, and to go to tea with her wasquite an event in our juvenile lives. After one of these occasions (this musthave been something special, I think) Peter declared that he had counted noless than eleven sorts of cake and pastry on the tea-table. I could onlyremember nine, myself, and am inclined to think Peter must have beendrawing the long bow a little, but there were very frequently six or sevenvarieties, and Aunt Priscilla enjoyed them as much as anybody. These littlefestivities were always arranged to take place when Uncle Bumpus wasabsent, for he was as closefisted as his sister was liberal. She would neveradmit that he was stingy, but allowed that he was a little "near." I havenever quite understood how this particular expression comes to have themeaning of parsimonious, but it was so far appropriate to Uncle Bumpus,that we constantly wished him farther. He owned some houses, let toweekly tenants, in the neighbourhood of the Old Kent Road, and devotedevery Monday afternoon to the collection of his rents. This was AuntPriscilla's opportunity, and her little festivities generally took place at fiveo'clock on a Monday evening, which allowed of tea being well over and thetea-things cleared away before Uncle Bumpus returned at half-past seven.On one memorable occasion (it was a Whit-Monday, I think, and most ofthe tenants had gone on the spree, and had taken their rent with them) hereturned at half-past five, in a very bad humour, and appearedunexpectedly, like a corpulent skeleton, in the middle of our banquet."Hullo, hullo, hullo-o-o," he said. "What's all this, and how come you boys"(he invariably alluded to us as "you boys") "here? And what's thisextravagant spread for?" I hardly know which of us was most discomfited,Aunt Priscilla or myself. Peter, who was a boy of unusual presence of mind,had slipped a basket of strawberries under the table, and was surreptitiouslyeating them, with the view, as he afterwards explained, of just "getting themout of the way." Aunt Priscilla began a troubled apology to the effect that itwas Peter's birthday last Tuesday fortnight, intending it, I suppose, to beinferred that we were keeping it then. "Birthday, fiddlesticks!" said UncleBumpus, fortunately overlooking the slight discrepancy in point of date. "Ifit is his birthday, there's no need to eat us all out of house and home. Andwhat's all this pastry-cook trash for? Why can't you give the boys goodwholesome bread-and-butter? That's what I was brought up on, and look atMe!" We did look at him, though without experiencing the dazzling effectwhich he seemed to anticipate.

"You may as well give me a cup of tea," he continued, plumping down onthe horsehair sofa, and wiping his face with a lively red-cotton

Chapter I


pocket-handkerchief. "All the way to the Old Kent Road and back for abeggarly fifteen shillings, confound 'em! Not a soul at home but old Bodgerthe tailor, and the lame charwoman at number eleven, and both of themdrunk! All the rest out spending their money(their money! (my money!(every man Jack of them; and now they'll all be a week behind, and wantme to take it out in greengrocery, or shrimps, or watercresses, or some suchfiddle-faddle. I'll give 'em a taste of the brokers, or my name's not PeterBumpus. (What's this rubbish?" The "rubbish" referred to was a plate ofthree-cornered jam tarts, of a kind Peter and I particularly affected, andwhich we had not yet touched. Uncle Bumpus took one of them between hisfinger and thumb, and made a comprehensive bite at it.. Not being preparedfor the fragility of the structure, he squeezed it a little too hard, and it wentto pieces under the shock, leaving a jammy wreck between his fingers. Helooked at it with scorn, and cleared the remainder at another mouthful."Regular imposition!" he grunted, taking up another, but handling it thistime more tenderly. "What's the good" (here one third vanished) "of anempty thing" (another third went the same way) "like this?" (the lastfragment disappeared). "And they're all alike. Look at this one,(worse thanever! A downright fraud, I call it." He punctuated his sentences bysuccessive bites. "And nasty bilious trash,"(here he picked up the lastremaining tart("in the bargain, without a particle of satisfaction in a wholeplateful of 'em." We at any rate had experienced very little satisfaction fromthem, and looked at each other with expressions of countenance far beyondmy feeble power to depict. If an elderly Ghoul had suddenly dropped intothe midst of our little party, we could hardly have been more disgusted.

Having finished the three-corners, he turned his attention to the jam-roll,which he was pleased to consider not quite such an imposition as the tarts.He did not pronounce rashly, however, but confirmed his first impressionby a series of tests which reduced the dish in a most heart-rending manner.Peter had disposed of the strawberries, or they would doubtless have met asimilar fate. Finally, adding insult to injury, he declared that the whole lotwasn't worth a slice of good wholesome bread-and-butter, and he beggedAunt Priscilla that the next time she had us to tea (his tone implying that hehoped it would be a considerable time first) she would give us good stalebread-and-butter, and if we wanted a relish, we could sprinkle a pinch ofsalt over it. Stale bread-and-butter, and a pinch of salt! And this from theman who had just devoured the whole of our three-corners, and the best partof our jam-roll! I don't think I am naturally of a vengeful disposition, but ifsome good fairy had offered, on that evening, to confine Uncle Bumpus(irrespective of size) in the plate-warmer for the rest of his natural life, Ibelieve I should have accepted the offer without hesitation.

Of our own household I need not speak at any length. My father died whenI was a baby in arms, and our family consisted of my mother, my brotherPeter, myself, and last, though not least, a faithful but occasionally

Chapter I


tyrannical domestic of Cornish origin, named Jemima Jackett. My motherwas a good little soul and most devoted parent, with an intense desirealways to do the right thing, but rather weak, and apt to change her mind,sometimes two or three times in an hour, as to what was the right thing. Shewas always greatly swayed by the last speaker. It frequently happened thatafter Peter and I had persuaded her to allow us some coveted indulgence,Uncle Bumpus would drop in, and hearing what was intended, forthwith sethimself (as I verily believe out of pure aggravation) against it, and in thecourse of a few minutes persuade her into an exactly contrary way ofthinking. Fortunately we had a powerful ally in the person of Jemima. Shewas short, squat, and scant of breath, but of dauntless courage, and in such acase she was always on our side. She ruled us with a rod of iron herself, butUncle Bumpus was her abomination, and whatever he resisted shesupported, and vice versa I once heard her call him (behind his back, ofcourse) "a interfering old armadillo." Where she got the expression, Icannot say. Zoologically speaking, perhaps it can hardly be justified, butPeter and I thought it admirable, and privately referred to Uncle Bumpus as"the armadillo" for many months afterwards. As soon as Uncle Bumpus haddeparted, after upsetting our plans on such an occasion as I have referred to,say a cricket match, or a boating excursion we wished to take part in, weforthwith betook ourselves to Jemima, and enlisted her sympathies. The factthat Uncle Bumpus considered that the thing could not and should not bedone was sufficient to convince her that it could and should. "Lor, mum,"she used to say, "the poor dear boys, they do have so little pleasure. It's adull house for 'em, mum, with only you and me, and young people will beyoung people, mum. It's nateral, ain't it, now? Some people forgets, I think,that they ever was young (an' I don't believe they was, neither). An'Wednesday, mum, was just the day I'd set apart in my own mind to scrubout the young gentlemen's room, and they'd be terrible in the way if theywas at home. I was just thinkin', mum, hoar we could manage to get rid of'em for the day, and just in the nick o' time this little trip turns up, quiteprovidential-like. I do hope you'll let 'em go, mum. Lor' bless 'ee, they won'ttake no harm, they'm too careful for that. And tell 'ee what, mum, I'll makea couple o' nice pasties Tuesday evening, for 'em to take with 'em. Therenow." Peter and I said nothing, for we knew by experience that it was bestto leave all argument in the hands of our advocate, but we put on the mostappealing expression of which we were capable, and my mother almostinvariably gave in. "Oh dear, oh dear, I don't know what to do," she wouldsay. "Mr. Bumpus has gone away with the understanding that they are notto go on any account, but if you are really going to clean out their room onWednesday, Jemima, perhaps it would be as well to have them out of theway. I must think it over, and perhaps, when the time comes(" She neverfinished the sentence, keeping up the fiction to the last of treating the matteras an open question, but when we got to this point, we knew we were allright. Jemima was too good a tactician to press her victory further, but witha significant grin at us, and "that's right, mum, you just turn it over in your

Chapter I


mind," to my mother, disappeared down the kitchen stairs. When the timecame there was generally no further question, but we started off on thecoveted excursion, with the tacit understanding that nothing was to be saidupon the subject to Uncle Bumpus. Whether this mode of doing thingstended to promote a high moral tone I will not stay to inquire, but I don'tthink it did us much harm, Uncle Bumpus being regarded by Peter andmyself as a sort of exceptional enemy, to circumvent whom all possiblemeans were lawful, and his perpetual and gratuitous interference in ourdoings really gave some ground for our so regarding him.

My father had been an artist. It was a family tradition that he lived beyondhis income, but candour compels me to admit that if his income was solelyderived from the sale of his works, as exemplified by the specimens in ourfront parlour, it is not at all surprising that he did live beyond it. He diedwhen I was so young that I have no personal recollection of him. Mymother's income was very limited, consisting of a life interest in some smallhouses, and a couple of thousand pounds in the Funds; which, after herdeath, would become divisible between Peter and myself. She had,however, great expectations, on our behalf more than her own, from UncleBumpus, who, by dint of constant saving and screwing, had amassed aconsiderable fortune for a man in his station of life. Next to Aunt Priscilla,we were his nearest relatives, and the remembrance of this, I daresay,contributed a good deal to the somewhat excessive deference my motherpaid to his opinions. Peter and myself were of an age which, happily, is notmuch affected by mercenary motives, and were not at all disposed toworship the golden calf, even in the person of Uncle Bumpus.

We lived in a small house in the neighbourhood of Camden Town, mymother supplementing her income by letting the first floor to a lodger. Hewas an elderly gentleman of very quiet habits, but Peter and I regarded himwith great awe, not to say terror, arising from the belief that he was aDentist. The only evidence in support of our theory was the fact (reportedby Jemima) that he had some very curious and bloodthirsty-lookinginstruments in a cabinet in his bedroom. We used to ask Jemima every nowand then, in an awe-struck whisper, whether she had seen "the instruments"again, and made her describe them for our edification. I am afraid she drewa good deal on her imagination, for on Peter and myself (in later years)organising ourselves into an exploring party, and making a private search,during his temporary absence, in the old gentleman's apartments, we couldfind nothing but a pocket set of carpenter's tools, and some mathematicalinstruments. Jemima stoutly maintained that these were not the instrumentsshe meant, and that Mr. Digby must have taken them with him, but sheseemed a good deal confused; and it has since struck me that she inventedthe story as a kind of pious fraud in order to keep Peter and myself out ofthe old gentleman's apartments. If so, it certainly had the desired effect, forwe regarded the rooms in question as children in the good old times may

Chapter I


have regarded the parochial torture-chamber, and even shrunk close to thewall whenever we met Mr. Digby on the stairs, in deadly fear lest he shouldask to look at our teeth, a request which we knew, by painful experience, tohe the precursor of much personal discomfort. If he attempted to pat ourheads fled in terror. My mother has since assured me that Mr. Digby was aretired architect, and never pulled a tooth out in his life; but to this day Icannot completely dissever him, in my own mind, from the sanguinaryassociations connected with his imagined occupation, and on making arecent visit to Antwerp, and inspecting the horrible dungeons of the Steen,used as places of torture by the Inquisition under Charles V., I was instantlyreminded of Mr. Digby's first-floor.


Chapter I




CHAPTER II.My First School--A Sad Humiliation--The Misses Potter and their LittleWeaknesses--An Unrequited Attachment--An Effectual Cure--My Second

School.

THE first event of any importance in my youthful history (as, indeed, Isuppose, in most people's youthful history) was the being sent to school.There was no meddling School Board in those days, and Peter and Ireceived our education at my mother's hands up to the age of about nine orten. Peter must have been about the latter age, or a little more, I myselfbeing a year and a half younger, when it was decided, under pressure, Ifancy, from Uncle Bumpus, that we were getting too big for home tuition,and must be sent to school. Peter was sent to a regular boys' school, but inconsideration of my tender years it was thought by my mother that I hadbetter undergo a little preliminary preparation at a hybrid establishment,kept by the Misses Potter. It was professedly a ladies' school, but admitted afew young gentlemen of very tender age to share in the instruction given. Ifelt keenly the ignominy, as it appeared to me, of being sent to a girls'school, and pleaded hard to be allowed to go to the same school as Peter.Uncle Bumpus, on this occasion, was on my side. "What d'ye want tomollycoddle the boy for?" he said; "they'll always take two cheaper thanone;" but in this instance, backed by Jemima, my mother stood firm. Therewere no kindergartens in those days, and she would not send a delicatechild like myself to be knocked about among a parcel of rough boys. (I amnot aware that I was delicate in the least, but that was her way of putting it.)She did not like sending even Peter to a boys' school, but the Misses Potterwould not receive any boy over ten, so she had no alternative. Accordingly,one fine day, Peter marched off in one direction, and I, attended by Jemima,in another. My mother had made each of us a green tammy bag, wherein tocarry our books, and at the bottom reposed a packet of sandwiches, in casewe should feel faint during school-hours(a rather excessive precaution, bythe way, seeing that we were to return home for dinner at mid-day. Peter sofar justified my mother's extra care for myself as to return home with ablack eye, but otherwise in the best of spirits, and much pleased with hisnew school. I was inclined to envy him, for I had in those days long goldenringlets, and the girls had been pulling them, more or less, all the morning.

Chapter II


My school was a very small one, consisting of seven girls and three boys, ofwhom I was the oldest. The school was held in a couple of rooms,separated, when needful, by folding doors. The back room was used as aclass-room for the repetition of lessons; the other contained two long desks,and two very hard forms, on which we sat at other times. Miss Patience orMiss Patty Potter, and sometimes both of them, sat at a table in the frontroom, elevated on a little platform, about ten inches high.

What the platform was for I really can't say. It could hardly be to give thema better view of the pupils, the most distant of whom was not more thanfifteen feet off. I am inclined to think that the Misses Potter somehow felttaller on the platform, and that it formed a part in their own minds of the"moral suasion" on which they laid great stress in the prospectus, and whichformed a stock topic of conversation in discussions with parents andguardians. Miss Patience. who was the elder, took charge of history,geography, and French. She had once been told (by a Native) that her "Oui"was perfect, and this little incident was invariably mentioned to the friendsof pupils whenever the subject of French could by any possibility be led upto. The ingenuity displayed by Miss Patience in this particular wasremarkable. Starting from the most unpromising regions (say, MissThompson's chilblains, or Miss Simpson's loss of her pocket-handkerchief),the conversation would work round and round, Miss Patty dexterouslyassisting, until Miss Patience was able to say, quoting the very words (andaccent) of the native, with his hand on his heart, "Truly, madame, your 'Oui'is pair-r-rfect."

Miss Patience was inclined to be stout, and wore a cap. Miss Patty, on thecontrary, was very slim, with little corkscrew curls, and a red pointed nose,and always smelt powerfully of coffee. Miss Patty took charge of thearithmetical, drawing, and writing departments; and the smell of coffee, asshe bent over our shoulders to correct our sums or set our copies, wasalmost overpowering. Even at this distant date, I am satisfied that I couldnot write "Procrastination is the thief of time," or "Evil communicationscorrupt good manners," without holding my breath to avoid the scent ofcoffee which I should instinctively expect to accompany them.Notwithstanding Miss Party's penchant for coffee, and a correspondingweakness on the part of Miss Patience for snuff, they were a pair of verycharming old ladies, who did their duty most conscientiously by theirpupils, and I shall always remember them with respect and affection.

Here, by the way, I experienced my first love affair. The course of true lovenever does run smooth, it is said, and the proverb was certainly verified inmy case. I, Dick Hazard (aged nine), was smitten with a devouring passionfor the head girl, Carrie Owen. There were two or three of the smallerpupils who would have been quite ready to reciprocate my affection, but(such is the way of the world) I treated them with the profoundestindifference. Carrie Owen was four years older, and nearly a head taller

Chapter II


than myself, and I regarded her (possibly on that account) with a feelingbordering on adoration.

I had never told my love, but I strove to show it by various little delicateattentions; I even concealed half-pennyworths of acidulated drops in herdesk, and watched, with intense eagerness, to see her find them. The firsttime all went well. She did not, it is true, exhibit any particular anxiety toknow whence they came, but merely remarking, "I say, here are someacid-drops," divided them with her special friend, Bertha Rogers. Thesecond, time I was less fortunate. It was very warm weather, and I hadcarried my little offering in my pocket for a day or two before I could findan opportunity to place it in Carrie's desk unobserved. Meanwhile, theacid-drops had grown gradually stickier and stickier, until at last they hadsettled into a sort of gummy lump, of by no means appetising appearance.However, I carefully separated them, stuck them one by one upon a niceclean sheet of paper, torn out of my own ciphering-book (for which I got animposition, by the way), and slipped them surreptitiously into my beloved'sdesk. As ill luck would have it, Carrie was in a hurry to get home thatmorning, and as soon as school was dismissed, popped her books quicklyinto her desk, without looking into it. Down came the books on myunfortunate acid-drops, and by the time Carrie went to her desk in theafternoon, they had attached themselves, like so many limpets, to thebinding. Carrie was furious, and declared that if she could only find outwho put the nasty sticky things in her desk she would slap her face for her.She quite made up her mind that one of the other girls had done it to playher a trick, and Miss Patience further harrowed up my feelings bydescribing my little delicate attention as a disgusting practical joke.

I had quite intended, on the strength of this second offering, to make anopen declaration of my affection, but under the circumstances thought itbetter to wait for a more favourable opportunity. Not many days afterwardsan opening seemed to present itself. We were having a geography lesson;Carrie was at the top of the class, and I was second. Carrie was asked whatwas the capital of Prussia, but not having learnt her lesson quite as well asusual, failed to answer, I knew, but wouldn't answer, lest I should becompelled to take my beloved one down, and the answer was given by thenext in order, a little girt named Mary Tracy, who forthwith "went up" tothe top of the class. Of course I lost a place too, but I gloried in the thoughtthat I had done so for my beloved's sake, and I determined that she shouldknow that it was so. Accordingly, after school was over, I took theopportunity of saying to her privately, "I say, Carrie" (we usually prefacedany very important announcement with "I say"), "guess why I didn't answerthe capital of Prussia, in geography class just now." "Because you didn'tknow it, I suppose, stupid," she replied. "No, indeed," I said, drawing nearerto her, and speaking with great impressiveness, "that wasn't the reason atall. I knew it all the time, but I wouldn't say it, because I didn't want to take

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you down." "Then if you did know it," she rejoined, "you are a nasty littletoad for not whispering it to me, and saving me my place, instead of lettingthat little conceited puss Mary Tracy get to the top. So just take that!""That" was a slap, which made my face tingle for several minutes; but eventhis did not cure me of my misplaced affection. I have always had aninstinctive love of fair play, and I reflected that after all there wassomething to be said for Carrie's view of the matter. My devotion had notsaved her place in the class, and if she was to lose it, it did not very muchmatter whether I was the gainer, or Mary Tracy. Again I thought it better topostpone my declaration, but one Wednesday afternoon as we were goinghome, I took heart of grace, and said boldly, "Carrie, I love you." Theheartless girl's only reply was "You Shrimp!" after which she tossed herhead, and running on to overtake her friend Bertha Rogers, who was a fewyards in front, she unmistakably told her the whole story, at the same timepointing me out with derisive gestures. This last straw broke the back of myaffections. Like the swain in the ballad, who complains

"She might have been right in rejecting my love,But why did she kick me down stairs?"

I felt that my honest affection had been treated with unwarrantabledisrespect. Shrimp! indeed! The cure was painful, but it was complete.From that day forward, to a comparatively advanced age, I became aconfirmed misogynist, and regarded girls in their proper light, as a ratherinferior kind of boys.

The only other incident that stands out with any clearness from my schoollife at the Misses Potter's, is my being kissed and called a "nice littlefellow" by a lady who came to visit the school. She was a verygood-looking lady, and I don't think I should mind it so much now, but atthe time it took me down tremendously. I felt that as long as I continued ata girls' school I should be constantly exposed to such outrages, and Iplagued my mother, without ceasing, to take me away and put me at a"proper" school. In spite of my remonstrances, however, I remained for twoyears under the care of the Misses Potter, after which, in considerationpartly of my own entreaties, and partly of my having passed the canonicallimit of age for male pupils at that academy, my mother did take me away,and placed me at the same school with Peter. At the same time, myobnoxious ringlets, against which I had long protested, but in vain, were cutoff, and I felt that I had now really made a fair start on the road tomanhood.

My new school was a large middle-class establishment, numbering overtwo hundred pupils. As usually happens in these big schools, the amount ofprogress made depended mainly on the pupil himself. A clever andhard-working boy was pushed forward, and got on rapidly, while the dulland indolent were left to lag behind. Fortunately for myself, I was fairly

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bright and fairly industrious and I made pretty good progress. In otherrespects, too, I got on very comfortably. The tone of the school was good.There was very little bullying, though I found, now and then, that having abig brother to take one's part was a decided advantage. I stayed at thisschool for three years, and was lucky enough to carry off, at eachMidsummer examination, one or more prizes. I was slow at arithmetic andmathematics generally, but I was pretty good at history and geography, andI had further rather a talent for languages, which, on two differentoccasions, won me a prize for French, and afterwards proved ofconsiderable service to me.


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CHAPTER III.My First Introduction to the Major--The Other Things--A Delightful

Promise--A Deadly Combat.

ON RETURNING home from school with Peter one afternoon, we foundsitting with my mother a gentleman, at that time a stranger to us, but whowas destined to have a very great influence on my life. Such mixture ofgood as there may be in the queer piece of patchwork that serves me for acharacter(the instinctive love of what is good and true, and hatred of what ismean and base(I owe, under God, chiefly to Major Manly. He had been aschoolfellow and special friend of my father, and now, after spending thegreater part of his life in India, had returned to end his days in England.Almost his first act, on returning to his native land, had been to look up thewidow of his old friend, and the tears with which my mother's eyes werefilled showed what tender memories had been recalled by his visit. He roseat our entrance, and gave a hand to each of us with a hearty grip. "And theseare your boys, poor Dick's boys? Good boys, too, I'll be bound, or they'renot like their father before them. Come, lads, let's have a good look at you."We looked at him with a smile, half gratified, half shamefaced, and helooked, not at us, as it seemed to me, but through us, in return. The firstthing one noticed about the Major was his eyes(they were grey, and clear,with a pleasant twinkle; ordinary eyes enough to describe, but by no meansordinary eyes to look at. If ever a brave white soul looked out of a man'seyes, it did so from Major Manly's. You felt instinctively that the man whoowned those eyes did not know what fear was, and that through storm orsunshine, evil repute or good repute, he would hold to what he believed tobe the right. And the clear gaze of the Major's eyes seemed not only toindicate his character, but, by some mesmeric power, to control one's own.As for telling a fib or a scandalous story with those eyes fixed upon you, itwould have been simply impossible. And his voice was just what youwould expect from his eyes, cheery and pleasant, with the unmistakablering of truth and honour. One felt that whatever that voice affirmed wastrue, and whatever that voice ordered must, somehow or other, be done. Anold brother-officer of the Major has told me that in their Indian battles withthe Sikhs, in the most desperate emergency the soldiers would always rallyround the Major. Wherever his clear tones were heard, new spirit seemed

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infused into the men, and more than once, though himself severelywounded, the magic influence of his presence and assistance had snatchedvictory out of the very jaws of defeat. This, however, only came to myknowledge long afterwards. My first impression of him is that of an upright,active-looking gentleman of middle height, deeply tanned with the sun, andfrom fifty to sixty years of age. His hair, which he wore very short, wasnearly white; his moustache and eyebrows iron-gray. With the exception ofhis moustache, he was closely shaven. There was a deep, white scar, asfrom a sword-cut, on his left temple, and he walked somewhat stiffly, fromthe effects of a gunshot wound in the right knee.

My mother answered for us (a little overstating the facts, perhaps) that wewere very good boys. "That's right," said the Major, drawing us down onthe sofa beside him, and placing an arm round each of us. "Dick Hazard'ssons must have sadly degenerated, if they were not good boys. Not toogood, you know, lads; we don't want old heads on young shoulders; butbrave honest lads, leading pure lives, and telling the truth, and honouringthe dear, good mother here, as mothers deserve to be honoured. That's thesort of boy I like to see." (I can't answer for Peter, but somehow the Major'swords seemed to sketch in my mind a sort of ideal boy, distinctly superiorto any boy of my acquaintance, and made me feel that I should very muchlike(I don't know that I went further than that, for the moment(to be thatkind of boy.) "Well," he continued, "and now let's hear what you aredoing(let's see, what's your name, old fellow?"

"Peter," replied my brother.

"Peter?" echoed the Major, turning to my mother. "How's that? why notRichard, like his father?"

"Peter is called after an old bachelor uncle," replied my mother. "This isDick."

"Oh," said the Major, with a twinkle in his eye. "Metallic reasons, eh? Well,they're not to be despised. And so you're Peter, and you're Dick. Now westart fair. Well, Peter, what are you doing at school? Plenty of arithmetic, Ihope. A boy isn't worth his salt if he isn't good at arithmetic." Arithmetichappened to be Peter's strong point, and he was therefore enabled to give apretty good account of himself on this score. (Arithmetic, as I have said,was not my strong point, but I mentally resolved to pay more attention to itfor the future.)

The Major further proceeded to make inquiries as to our progress in otherbranches of education, which we answered as favourably to ourselves ascircumstances would permit. With anybody else we might have beentempted to give perhaps a rather more flowery account of ourselves, butwith those eyes looking straight at you, there was simply nothing for it butto stick to facts.

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However, the Major seemed very well satisfied with our account. "That's allright, so far," he said, "but how about all the other things?" Peter and Ilooked at each other with some degree of alarm, as a vista of new andabstruse studies seemed to open before us, but our apprehensions werespeedily quieted. "The boxing, I mean, and the single-stick, and theswimming, and the gymnastics, and the cricket." We told him that weoccasionally played at cricket, but knew nothing of the otheraccomplishments he referred to. "This won't do," said the Major, "this won'tdo at all. Books are very well in their way, Maria; but they're only half aneducation, after all. We must alter this." And Peter and I felt an instantconviction that it should and would be altered.

"Well, to tell the truth," said my mother (as if she ever did anything else,dear soul), "I have always regarded those things as being rather luxuries.They charge extra for them at the school, and with my limited income"(

"Quite right," said the Major; "I see, of course! Not to be thought of but yetthey must know all about those things, and they would be a pleasure tothem into the bargain. Look here, boys, you would like to be tough andwiry, and to know how to use your legs and arms, and your fists, whenoccasion requires?"

We both answered "yes," with great heartiness.

"Well then, it is clear that you must learn boxing, and fencing, andgymnastics, and as the dear mother can't give you all that (thoseconfounded metallic reasons again), we must manage it some other way.Suppose I teach you myself."

"You, Major!" exclaimed my mother.

"Why not, Maria? I'm pretty active still, in spite of my fifty-seven years.My knee won't let me do very much in the gymnastic line, but I can manageto put a couple of youngsters through their facings, I dare say; and youknow I used to be reckoned rather a dab with the gloves and the sticks. So ifthese young scamps," he gave us a friendly hug,( "like to give up ahalf-holiday now and then to take a lesson, I'm their man, and if I don'tmake smart boxers and fencers of them, call me a Dutchman. Here, boys,let's see what sort of muscle you've got. Hum! Site for an intended biceps.That's about all you can call it, at present. Now feel mine."

Peter and I simultaneously took hold of his arms, one on each side, anduttered a simultaneous "Oh" of astonishment. The Major's muscles werelike iron bands. He laughed merrily at our note of admiration.

"That's the result of training," he said. "Wholesome food, and not too muchof it" (I made up my mind on the spot, thenceforth only to have one helpingof pudding at dinner), "and plenty of exercise in the right way(that's the

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whole secret. Well, boys, what say you? When shall we begin?"

"To-morrow," said I.

"To-day," cried Peter.

"No, no. Not quite so soon as that. There are one or two things to do first. Imust look up some gloves and sticks, and so on. Let me see, to-day isMonday, and Wednesday, I suppose, is a half-holiday? Good; then we willmake a beginning on Wednesday afternoon. You give us permission,Maria?"

"If I didn't, I'm afraid you would take it, Major. I know your ways of old.But I shall be only too thankful. I know the boys cannot be in better hands.What you teach them can only be to their advantage."

"Hum! 'praise undeserved is scandal in disguise,'" quoted the Major. "Youput me on my mettle. Well, boys, we'll do our best to deserve your mother'sconfidence, won't we? And now, Maria, tell me about some of our otherfriends."

Finding the conversation drifting into a channel which had no interest forus, Dick and I made our escape. We were wild with delight at the prospectof learning boxing and fencing, which had always been the objects of acherished, but hitherto hopeless ambition. We were even constrained towork off our excitement by means of an anticipatory combat withwalking-sticks in the front garden. We both suffered a little, and thewalking-sticks a good deal, from the fierceness of the contest. When thefray was over, and we were returning our weapons to their sheaths (theumbrella stand), Peter remarked, for about the fifteenth time, so far as thesentiment was concerned(

"I say, though, isn't he just stunning?"

"He's the finest fellow I ever saw in my life," I rejoined.

And neither of us ever found occasion to alter our opinion.


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CHAPTER IV.Athletic Exercises--The Noble Art of Self-Defence--Bound to do ourBest--Our New Gymnasium--My First Pantomime--Harlequin DerFreischiitz and the Seven Bad Shots--In Love with Columbine--An

Unexpected Rival--Disillusion.

THE Major kept his word, and many a pleasant half-holiday did Peter andI spend in the back-garden, acquiring, under his tuition, the arts ofself-defence, and gymnastics generally. We were tolerably apt pupils, bothhaving a great liking for active sports, particularly where there was asprinkling of the pugnacious element. The Major was an admirableinstructor, and trusting in his assurance of their ultimate value, wecheerfully underwent the drudgery of drill and dumb-bell exercises,thinking ourselves amply rewarded by being allowed a good, smartgive-and-take bout afterwards with the gloves. Even in our mosthotly-contested encounters, however, the Major made us adhere strictly toline and rule. In respect to boxing, for instance, it is a curious butwell-ascertained fact that the uninstructed man, boxing by the light ofnature, endeavours to add force to his blows by swinging his arms round, asif he were bowling at cricket. As, however, a straight line is considerablyshorter than a semicircle, a blow from the shoulder naturally takes a shortertime to deliver, and by the time the round-armed hitter has got half-wayround, the straight hitter has already reached his mark, probably on theround-armed hitter's nose. A contest, therefore, between a round and astraight hitter is therefore a foregone conclusion for the latter.

It may readily be imagined that the Major would tolerate none but straighthitting, and never would overlook even the smallest shortcoming in thisparticular. "No, no," he would say, "that won't do. You can do better thanthat. We must have that little bit over again." And I, who flattered myselfthat I had punched Peter's head quite secundum artem, or Peter, who hadpunched mine to his own complete satisfaction, was obliged to repeat theprocess in a more scientific manner, and not always with the same result.

At first, it seemed rather tedious to have to repeat the same movement overand over again in order to correct some apparently trifling fault; but soonwe began to appreciate, and insensibly to copy the Major's guiding

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principle, never to rest satisfied with any achievement short of one's verybest. At the outset, this higher conscientiousness on our part was a gooddeal dependent on the Major's presence with us; but, little by little, hissteady persistence in doing the right for the right's sake infected our ownminds, and we made it a point of honour, even in his absence, instantly todo over again anything which we felt might have been done better. Nor didthis effect cease with our athletic exercises. Before long we found ourselvesapplying the same principle to our school work. Before we knew the Majorwe had been accustomed to think that "pretty well" was "well enough," andto act upon that assumption; and just at first, our new-born devotion toathletics rather tended, I am afraid, to the prejudice of our book-work. Butsuch was not long the case. The steady habit of doing our very best for theMajor, and, later on, for ourselves in the exercising ground gradually madeus feel intolerant of "scamping" in any shape, and many and many a time Ihave got up at daybreak to re-write an exercise or to re-learn a lesson, towhich I felt I had not done full justice the night before; and Peter frequentlydid the same.

The effect on our progress at school was very marked, procuring us anamount of praise from our masters Which now and then made us feelalmost uncomfortable, from a consciousness that the credit really belonged,not to ourselves, but the Major. In truth, Peter and myself were both veryordinary boys, with the usual boyish disposition to take life easily, and to besatisfied, if we had been left to ourselves, with a very moderate standard ofexcellence. Uncle Bumpus' moral platitudes, and exhortations to "stick toit" failed to impress us in the smallest degree, but all boys worth their saltare instinctive hero-worshippers. The Major was our hero, and his constantstriving after the best possible was so completely the key-note of hischaracter that it is small wonder if, in some degree, it became the key-noteof ours; and such measure of success as I have met in after life I attributemainly to this cause.

Our back garden, a gravelled space with high walls, facetiously known toPeter and myself as the "tank," had gradually assumed the aspect of aregular gymnasium. The various posts, swings, and bars had been erectedby Peter and myself, acting as a select corps of engineers, under thecommand of the Major. It was rather hard work at first, but wherever theMajor led we were bound to follow, and we soon learnt to handle mattockand spade like a pair of youthful navigators. My mother was a little alarmedat seeing the tall poles and swings which began to rear their heads in viewof her hitherto peaceful back-windows; but her confidence in the Majorprevailed. My brother and I were more seriously exercised by the doubt asto how Jemima would take it, and what would happen in the event of adifference of opinion between her and the Major. If there had been such aconflict, the problem of the old schoolmen as to what would happen in theevent of an irresistible force (the Major) coming in contact with an

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immovable body (Jemima) would have had a chance of being solved.Fortunately, however, the difficulty was unintentionally settled for us byUncle Bumpus, who, in Jemima's hearing, stigmatised our athletic exercisesas "a pack of tomfoolery," whereupon she forthwith became theirstaunchest supporter, and I really believe would even have essayed, withvery slight encouragement, to climb one of our poles herself. Thenceforthall went smoothly. Not only the majority of our half-holidays, but a goodmany of the long summer evenings were spent in our outdoor gymnasium, aperpetual source of entertainment to the neighbouring maidservants, whoseheads were constantly to be seen protruding from the adjoiningback-windows. There was nobody to cry out, as at the tournaments of old,"Largesse, largesse, noble knights; bright eyes look on your deeds!" norindeed did Peter or I much concern ourselves whether we had spectators ornot, but thwacked each other with the single-sticks, and contended whoshould soar highest on the swing, solely for our own and the Major'ssatisfaction. A year's steady practice in this way made our muscles nearly astough, on a smaller scale, as those of the Major himself, and we had furtherlearnt, by habit and hard training, to bear hard knocks without flinching, asbecame the hardy, fear-nothing youngsters which the Major sought to makeof us. Occasionally, by way of variety, he would go with us to some largebaths in the neighbourhood, and give us a swimming-lesson. His lamenessprevented his being himself a very active swimmer, but he was anadmirable teacher, and we were soon as much at home in the water as onland, and could not only swim, for our age, a tolerably fast stroke, but keepit up for a very considerable length of time without fatigue.

Meanwhile, our constant intercourse with the Major was doing us, thoughwithout our knowledge, incalculable good in a moral sense. He was by nomeans a "preaching" man; indeed, he very rarely spoke of religious matters,but we soon got to feel somehow or other that there was a very deep andearnest vein of religion under-running his quiet, simple life. When theMajor said, as he often did, "Please God," it was not, as with many persons,a mere phrase or expletive, but meant, in all seriousness, "if God pleases."If he chanced in the street to pass a funeral, he always raised his hat, in thereverent foreign fashion. His manner to women was full of the most refinedcourtesy, and he would speak as politely to a beggar-woman as to aduchess. This is perhaps a figure of speech, for duchesses were not plentifulin our circle, but it is proverbially impossible to gild refined gold, and theMajor's habitual politeness was so perfect as to leave no margin for furtherimprovement.

To the Major we were indebted for our first experience in another direction,an event of never-to-be-forgotten splendour. For a long time past we hadbeen worrying my mother to take us to a pantomime; and she had evenpromised that she would do so some day, but again and again thepantomime season came to an end, time went on, the clowns retired into

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private life, and we had not seen them. Meanwhile, we had heard frommore fortunate schoolfellows the most excruciatingly tantalising accountsof the wonders of the fairyland in question, and I cannot say to whatdesparate deed we might not have been driven to get there; but fortunatelyPeter chanced to ask Jones Major, the most graphic of the narrators, howbig Drury Lane was, and whether (by way of pinning him to somethingdefinite) it was three times as large our biggest schoolroom. On JonesMajor replying that it was "a hundred times as big" we made up our mindsthat our young friends were simply "stuffing" us, and thenceforth ourinterest fell off, and we troubled ourselves comparatively little about thematter.

When, however, the Major arrived one evening with the intelligence that hehad. secured a box at Drury Lane, and was going to take us all to thepantomime, our excitement revived with ten-fold intensity. Even the smellof straw in the stuffy cab which took us the theatre seemed ambrosial to us,and the vehicle itself a fairy chariot. Its only fault was that it did not go halffast enough for our wishes and if we could have been permitted to jump outand work off our superfluous energy by pushing behind, I am sure weshould have cheerfully done so. When we reached the theatre, and lookingout from our pigeon-hole saw the great expanse before us, with the rowsupon rows of boxes like our own, and the great green curtain filling thewhole of one side, we were completely "flabbergasted." The phrase is notclassical, but I know no other which so exactly expresses our state of mind."Astonished," "bewildered," "thunderstruck," are doubtless more elegantphrases, but none of them give the full effect of being mentally doubled-upand sat-upon, which I desire to convey. Peter whispered to me inawe-struck tones, "Jones Major did tell the truth, after all!" I had beenthinking the very same thing, and an uneasy consciousness that we haddone Jones Major an injustice, and owed him an apology, crossed my mind.

Still, notwithstanding its unexpected vastness, the theatre so far did notquite come up to the descriptions of our friends. The house was very dim,and the gentlemen with the white neckties and the big fiddles were makinganything but musical noises in the region below. I remember thinking whata pity it was that they didn't have the place a little better lighted, and a littlenicer music, when suddenly, as if in response to my inward thought, thegreat chandelier in the middle of the house suddenly became a blaze ofsparkling diamonds, the whole theatre was filled with a flood of light, andthe orchestra started with a crash, and the big and little fiddles, the cornets,the flutes, the saxhorns, and the drums went off hurry-scurry in a brilliantoverture. Still I wondered where the performance was to take place, forevery corner of the enormous house seemed filled. The great green curtainhad by this time been rolled up, but only, as it seemed to me, in order toshow a highly coloured picture behind it. I remembered I was justwondering whether the actors would come out and talk in front of that

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picture, when suddenly the picture itself was mysteriously rolled up, andrevealed an awful valley, with great grim overhanging rocks on either side;on the ground, in the centre, a circle of grinning skulls, wherein anuncanny-looking personage (whom I somehow suspected to beunmentionable to ears polite) kept watch and ward. The pantomime wasHarlequin Der Freischiilz and the Seven Bad Shots. I am afraid a good dealof liberty was taken with the original story, and that the ghost of Weber, ifhe had chanced to be in attendance, would have been rather puzzled torecognise his own opera; indeed, since seeing the original, I have alwaysgot the two a little mixed myself. I remember, however, that on the policemaking a sudden descent on the Wolf's Glen, the grinning skulls becameinstantaneously transformed into quartern loaves, and the magic bullets intopatent pills; that nearly everybody proved to be somebody else's long lostuncle or aunt, and that the villain came to an untimely end by inadvertentlytaking one of his own pills, but was ultimately resuscitated, not a penny theworse, as Clown.

That gruesome Wolf's Glen! I can call up now, almost as vividly as the dayI saw it, the horrible owls with the grey blinking eyes, the bloated bats withtheir great expanding wings, the slimy-looking serpents that squirmed alongthe ground, the lizards, frogs, and toads that hopped or crawled round theenchanted circle. I can recall even now the delicious horror that we feltgazing on these terrific shapes, and our sensation of relief, and yetdisappointment, when, at the entrance of the police, they all turned intosomething of a harmless, not to say ridiculous, character; the great bats intogingham umbrellas, the owls into family portraits, the serpents intogarden-hose, and so on. Even now I can recall our excitement at theshooting match, and the way we clapped our hands when the right man won(rather a milk-and-water sort of young man, if I remember right) and themachinations of the villain were brought to an untimely end. But all thesememories seem dim beside the glories of the harlequinade, the antics of theClown, the perpetual misfortunes of Pantaloon, the mysterious entrancesand exits of Harlequin, and last, but oh! not least, the graceful pranks ofColumbine. For the first time for many years(indeed, since my cruelexperience with Carrie Owen(I felt that I loved again. Come what might,that fairy-like being in the pink tarlatan would henceforth reign sole queenof my affections. I conceived an instant and violent hatred of Harlequin.The way my charmer(chiefly on one leg(followed him about stung me tothe verge of frenzy. I had a sort of dim idea, partly suggested, I fancy, byher conduct, and partly by her costume, that she wasn't quite what sheshould be, and I remember thinking that my mother or Jemima wouldn't goon like that. But I loved her still the same. I was disgusted to find onreaching home, and exchanging notes with Peter, that he also haddeveloped a passion for the same object; and he added insult to injury byreminding me of my extreme youth, and making a prior claim, so to speak,on the ground of his trumpery year and a-half of seniority. This caused a

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coolness between us for some days. I had some thoughts of challenging himto mortal combat in the back garden, with the understanding that the ladywas to be the prize of the survivor. What would have come of it I cannotsay. Perhaps I should not have lived to write this simple story; but wefortunately discovered, from a casual remark of the Major to my mother,that the object of our joint adoration was a married lady with severalchildren, some of them considerably older than myself. At the outset Iresented the assertion as a gross calumny, and was more than half inclinedto challenge the Major instead of Peter, and wipe out the falsehood with hisblood, but knowing his habitual truthfulness I restrained myself, andsubsequent inquiries satisfied me that the story was correct. The shock wassevere, but it was salutary. After a few days my mind recovered its tone,and reverted to its former misogynist attitude. By tacit consent Peter and Iavoided the subject as one too painful for discussion, and in a short time ourlittle unpleasantness was completely forgotten.


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CHAPTER V.My First Visit to a Conjuring Entertainment--My

Enthusiasm--Extraordinary Indifference of Peter--Early Studies inPrestidigitation--The Tribulations of a Neophyte.

A LITTLE later I was indebted to the Major for another experience,without which I should probably never have acquired the nickname whichgives the title to this book, and this eventful history would never have beenwritten. A conjurer was exhibiting his marvels at a hall in ourneighbourhood, and the Major goodnaturedly asked my mother'spermission to take Peter and myself to see them. Peter, to my surprise, tookthe performance as coolly as if it had been a common concert ormagic-lantern entertainment, but I was spell-bound. The performer was astoutish little man in a dress coat rather too tight for him, and rattled off his"patter" in a thin, squeaky voice, as if he was trying to combineventriloquism with conjuring. I don't think he was a man of any specialrepute in his profession, but his performance seemed to me miraculous. Ihave seen so much of the same kind of thing since that I cannot profess torecall the precise details of his achievements, but the way in which he madetorn-up cards reappear whole as at first in various parts of the room,collected money from the air, cooked a pudding in a hat, and then producedtherefrom a host of heterogeneous articles, went far to justify, in my mind,the belief that he practised unlawful arts. If anybody in the audience had gotup and proposed that he should be burnt as a wizard I should have beendeeply sorry, but not in the least surprised. Fortunately, no suchcontratemps occurred. The Major was delighted at my enthusiasm, andrelated to me very much more wonderful things which he had seen done bythe native conjurers in India. Subsequent experience has satisfied me thateven with the most truth-telling persons, not initiated into the secrets of thecraft, the description of a conjuring trick must be accepted with a veryliberal discount, but I received the whole with the most implicit faith, andfrom that moment my most cherished ambition was to be a conjurer. On ourway home an anxious fear struck me. I remembered the Columbineincident, and dreaded lest Peter should have been smitten with a similaryearning, and should again put forward his right of primogeniture. I couldhardly expect that my mother would tolerate two conjurers in one family.

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The next morning, I cautiously led up to the subject.

"Peter," I said, "I wonder how long it takes to learn to be a conjurer."

"Oh, a year or two, I suppose," said Peter, airily. "I expect it's easy enoughwhen you once know how the things are done. It's all a lot of bunkum."

"Bunkum or not," I replied, feeling my way, "I expect you'd be jolly glad tobe able to do it yourself. Come now."

"I shouldn't mind, just for curiosity, knowing a few of the old chap's tricks.But as for doing them myself, I wouldn't be bothered with 'em."

"Come, I say; you'd like to be able to make a pudding in a hat. Wouldn'tyou now?"

"Yes," said Peter, thoughtfully, "I shouldn't mind that. But I'd a jolly sightrather have the pudding right off, without the bother of pretending to makeit. Of course he only sticks it into the hat when you're not looking."

"But how can he?"

"How? Ah, that's his secret. I expect he goes on jabbering till you're alllooking at something else, and then in it goes(bang!"

"But where does he get it from?"

"I'm sure I don't know, and what's more, I don't care. I'd a jolly sight soonergo to a good magic-lantern or Christmas-tree entertainment. There's somesense in that. But conjuring is jolly humbug. The chap says, 'You see meput a thing here, and now it's gone away, and it's here.' Well, what if it is? Idon't care; I'd just as soon it had stopped in the other place."

"But all the tricks are not like that," I said. "Look at that one where he toreup the lady's pocket-handkerchief, and brought it back again as good asever."

"I'm sure I didn't mind, as long as it wasn't my handkerchief he tore up,"rejoined Peter, "I'd just as soon it had stopped in pieces. And if he wasgoing to mend it again, I don't see what was the good of tearing it up at all.Why couldn't he leave it alone?"

Not being prepared to argue the question from this point of view, I changedthe subject, much relieved to find that at any rate I had nothing to fear fromPeter as a rival in this direction.

I could not understand Peter's indifference at that time, and almost thoughthe was "selling me," but subsequent observation satisfied me of his goodfaith. Incredible as it must naturally appear to every well regulated mind,there are persons in whom, from some deficiency of organisation, even themost perfect of tricks excites no enthusiasm. As the finest concerto is caviar

Chapter V


to the man who has no musical ear, and the most soul-tickling of jokes isinanity to the man who does not possess the sense of humour, so conjuringseems to demand a special faculty, a bump of philo-prestidigitation, so tospeak, for its complete enjoyment. Given the magic "bump" (a gentlehillock, compounded probably of "wonder" and "ideality") and a clevermagical entertainment is a season of delight, both to the actor and thespectators. As Butler tells us:

"The pleasure is as greatOf being cheated as to cheat;"

or to borrow a quotation from a less known writer: "For those who like thatsort of thing, it's just the kind of thing they like." This was my case. Peterwas an example of the opposite temperament, and in so far as it removed apossible rival from my path, I regarded his indifference as a providentialcircumstance.

Encouraged by the fact that I had the field all to myself, I began steadily topractise the arts of the conjuror, so far as I could discover them. Magicalliterature was rare in my school-days, but I managed to get get hold of a"Boy's Own Conjuring Book" and one or two other treatises professing todeal with the subject. I cannot say that they were satisfactory works. Theauthors either didn't know, or wouldn't tell, any of the more importantsecrets of the craft. In those days I believed the latter, but greaterknowledge of the world inclines me at present to believe that the formerwas the true interpretation. However, I greedily devoured such informationas I could extract from them. Though they were not very clear as to whatyou had to do they all agreed that you must steadily practise doing it; andaccordingly I did practise morning, noon, and night, considerably to thedetriment, I am afraid, of my graver studies. In particular, I never lost anopportunity of practising what is called "palming," i.e., holding a coin orother article in the palm of the open or half-open hand without attractingobservation. Even during school-time I was rarely without a penny, a cork,or an india-rubber ball, concealed in the palm of my hand. Now and thenthe article dropped on the floor, and this led to unpleasantness; indeed,sometimes even to personal violence, and to my finding myself unable tohold anything at all in the palm of my hand with comfort for a considerableperiod. On one occasion, in taking out my pocket-handkerchief, I had themisfortune to pull out with it a whole pack of well-worn playing cards, andto scatter them broadcast over the floor of the schoolroom. I would not havebelieved, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, that one poor pack of cardscould have made such a tremendous display. That pack, judging fromappearance, must have had at least a hundred and fifty cards in it. I haveoften wished I could do the same thing since. I had not the opportunity ofverifying this remarkable increase of the number, for the cards wereforthwith confiscated, and I draw a veil over the remainder of the incident,which was of too painful a character to be reproduced in print.

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On another occasion I had taken a raw egg to school with me, in order topractise the palming of oval objects, and Bobus Minor, who was always onthe look-out for a practical joke, picked my pocket of it when my attentionwas otherwise occupied, and when I next stood up slipped it quietly on theseat behind me. The effect, when I resumed my seat, can be better imaginedthan described. "Hallo! What was that?" said the master in charge, as heheard the crash-cum-squash of the shell and its contents. Nobody answered;we all looked as grave as judges(I, in particular, as solemn as the LordChancellor himself (and the incident passed over without further notice, butoh! the mental agony of that next half-hour! and oh! my mined pantaloons!

"Don't get eggcited, my dear fellow," whispered the hateful Bobus in myear.

I could have killed him with pleasure, but I was compelled for my own saketo preserve a calm exterior (I had nearly written eggsterior, but the subjectis too painful to make a jest of). The lesson came to an end at last, and, itbeing fortunately the last of the day, I was enabled to push the formtemporarily out of sight under a desk, and with the aid of a friendlycomrade, who masked my retreat with a slate held in my rear, I retired tothe lavatory to repair damages. In the first flush of my wrath I vowed the.deadliest vengeance against Bobus Minor, but he had made the best of hisway home, and between that and the next morning's school I had come toappreciate the humorous aspect of the matter, and was more mercifullyinclined towards him. I therefore contented myself with slapping his headand kicking him slightly, just to teach him better manners, and let him go. Iwish I myself could have escaped as easily, but for some weeks afterwardsribald youths would come up and ask me, with apparent seriousness, whatwas the price of eggs; when I intended to "sit" next; and similar impertinentquestions.

Even such untoward experiences as these, however, failed to check myprestidigitatorial ardour. Still I practised, and in spite of my manydifficulties found myself beginning to attain, in an amateur sort of way, afair amount of dexterity in sundry minor tricks, simple enough to theinitiated, but marvellous in the eyes of my less instructed schoolfellows,who forthwith christened me "Conjurer Dick," and "Conjurer Dick" Ithenceforth remained to the end of my school life.


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CHAPTER VI.Dumpton College--A Rash Promise--The Major's Parting Advice--Showing

my Colours--A Struggle for Religious Liberty--An UnexpectedVictory--Wanted by the Vice-Principal--All Well that Ends Well--The Last

of Gunter.

I WAS midway between fourteen and fifteen, when I suddenly developed ahitherto unsuspected talent for headaches. Our doctor gave me nearly all themedicines in the pharmacopoeia ([ don't know how many there are, but I amsatisfied that I must have taken most of them) without effecting anyimprovement, and finally said that I was growing too fast, and that what Ireally required was change of air, preferably at the seaside. I quite agreedwith him, and only regretted that he hadn't mentioned it earlier. Acommittee of ways and means was held by my mother and the Major, and itwas finally decided that I should be sent to Dumpton College, aboarding-school near Margate. Uncle Bumpus condemned the scheme asmollycoddling. Nobody ever sent him to Margate when he was a boy, heobserved, and look at Him! However, his appearance did not carry thatconviction he seemed to anticipate; and he finally "washed his hands" of thematter. Jemima remarked that she wished he would "wash his head, andwash it off." This was no doubt intended merely in a Pickwickian sense; buther further observation, that the old skinflint would rather do anything withhis hands than put them in his pockets was really a good deal to thepurpose, my mother having, as I afterwards discovered, made an attempt toget him to defray Some part of the extra expense of sending me from home.I need hardly say the attempt was a failure, and of itself sufficientlyexplained his disapproval of the project. However, the difficulty was metsomehow or other, the Major, I strongly suspect, lending the helping handwhich Uncle Bumpus refused to extend. In due course my outfit was gotready and my belongings packed up (not forgetting my collection ofconjuring apparatus, carefully wrapped in a small pocket-hankerdchief),and I was ready to depart.

The Major volunteered to see me off at Charing Cross, mother, who had avague impression that fatal accidents were nearly as frequent as trains,having wept so freely as to render her, quite unfit to be seen in public. She

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was tearfully impressing on me her last wishes in the contingency of hernever seeing me again, not realising apparently that as I was the person tobe smashed I should have but little opportunity to attend to them, when theMajor conceived a happy thought. With an almost imperceptible wink atPeter and myself, he said, "Cheer up, Maria, I'll make it all right. I'll take aninsurance ticket for him. It's only three-pence, and then he can't come to anyharm." "Of course, how foolish of me not to think of it!" said my mother,greatly relieved. "You will, Major; won't you? and then my mind will be atrest." My mother, good simple soul, fancied that in some mysterious way(as I have known old ladies tap the barometer to make the mercury go up,and so insure fine weather) the fact of being insured prevented an accidenthappening. The major's pious fraud, therefore (for which he would neverhave forgiven himself if an accident had really happened to me), gave herunspeakable comfort, and she bade me farewell without any furtherbreakdown. Peter was not in the least affected, but said good-bye to mewith rather envious eyes, for he was shortly about to leave school and bepromoted to a high stool in a square wooden cupboard, and the dignity of"Cash" in Uncle Bumpus' drapery establishment. I knew he would havemuch preferred Margate, and I felt for him sincerely. "Good-bye Peter oldboy," I said; "I'll send you some stunning fish, when I catch 'em." Thesaving clause had more significance than I imagined. I merely put it in toprovide for the possible delay of a day or two, fondly imagining that wherethere was such a lot of water as there must naturally be at Margate, theremust also be lots of fish, and that it would merely be a question of droppingin a hook and something tasty (I didn't quite know what), at the end of astring, to catch as many as I might desire. A very few days' experience,however, proved to me that, in the first place, angling is not regarded aspart of the regular curriculum of a Margate boarding-school; and secondly,that even when I did get the chance of an afternoon's fishing, the fish wereinfinitely more wide-awake than I was. I tried them with every conceivablekind of bait, from shrimps and periwinkles even to such strange meats ashairy gooseberries and peppermint lozenges, but all in vain. Theyobstinately declined to be tempted from their native element by anyinducements I could hold out to them. Herein, however, I am anticipating. Ican only say that my promise to Peter was made in all good faith, and that Ishould certainly have kept it, if I could. It is a relief to me to remember thathe did not appear to attach any very great importance to it, but simply said,"Good-bye, old fellow, and luck go with you!" The Major and I got into thehansom at the door, my box was hoisted on the roof, and we were off(mymother waving a very wet pocket-handkerchief to us till we were out ofsight. Jemima stood on the area-steps, and waved her adieux with a ratherdirty apron. Now that the start was fairly made, I felt an uncomfortablelump in my throat, and a strong desire to get at one corner of mypocket-handkerchief. However, I sternly repressed the feeling as a discreditto my manliness, and the cab rolled on.

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For some minutes we rode on in silence. I myself was not inclined forconversation. The Major cleared his throat once or twice, as if he was aboutto speak, but changed his mind and said nothing, and I became aware, by asort of instinct, that he wanted to say something to me, but didn't quiteknow how to begin. Nervousness is catching, and I found myselfanticipating something unpleasant, and hoping he wouldn't say it. However,the Major wasn't the man to shirk a duty, and having made up his mind thathe ought to give me a parting word of advice, he began at last.

"Well, Dick, my boy, you're making your first plunge into the big world.It's a bit of a wrench, leaving home for the first time, and harder sometimesto those who stay behind, than to those who go. You have a very lovingmother, Dick, and I hope you'll do her credit."

"I'll try my best, Major."

"Well said, lad; that's a good way of putting it. But what's more to thepurpose still, don't forget Who helps the trying. We're poor sticks, the bestof us. We want a bigger and better strength than our own, if we are to doany good. Remember that, Dick."

"I will, Major."

"And don't be ashamed to ask for the help, lad, and never be ashamed,either, to let others know that you do ask for it, trust in it. Show yourcolours, like a good soldier. We despise a fellow who pretends to be betterthan he is, but that won't be your temptation, Dick. A boy at school is muchmore often tempted to pretend to be worse than he is, and if he gives way toit, he's as big a humbug as the other fellow, and a coward in the bargain.You won't be a coward, will you, old boy?"

"Not if I can help it, Major."

"You can't help it, boy, if you try to fight it out alone. But you go to theright quarter for help, you may defy the devil all his works. I'm no hand at asermon, but just remember three things :(Tell the truth, live a pure, chastelife, and never be a coward. And when you're in danger of failing, ask Godto help you." He raised his hat in reverent salute. "Stick to that, my lad, andyou'll do. And now my sermon's over, Dick, and here's something toremember it by."

The something was a bright sovereign, the first I had ever possessed in thewhole course of my life. Something in the manner of the gift, more than thegift itself, found a very tender place in my heart(I gripped the Major's handvery hard, and he returned the pressure heartily. A big tear fell on myhand(I thought it was my own, but I chanced to look up, and found it mightjust as well have been the Major's, for the fellow to it was rolling down hisnose.

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Young lads and lasses, who have been "lectured," as you call it, by lovingfriends and relatives, you don't know how hard such lectures are to givesometimes. I don't mean the cold formal jobation, such as Uncle Bumpus,for instance, might have given, but such a little quiet talking-to as the dearold Major had given me, unveiling a little bit of the lecturer's own heart. Aprofound observer has said that no man ever considers any one capable of aprofound and romantic sentiment(except himself. I am very sure that thebest impulses of a man's character, his truest reverences, his loftiest hopes,his highest aspirations, his bitterest self-condemnations, are generally thosewhich he wraps closest in his own heart, even from his nearest and dearest.And when the veil is lifted, it comes to us like a revelation. I had neverdoubted that the Major was a good man. No one who knew him could doso, but it never struck me that he required any assistance from prayers. Ithought, so far as I thought about the matter at all, that his sterlingcharacter, his dauntless courage and unswerving integrity came somehowby nature, and were so firmly established as to need no higher help. In thosefew words he had proved the falseness of my fancy picture, and shown methe true guiding principle of his simple, noble life. And the revelation didme an infinity of good. I had hitherto regarded the Major as some rawconscript might have regarded the great Napoleon; as a hero demigod, to beworshipped at a distance, but scarcely to be imitated without presumption.Now my good old friend had shown me the secret of his strength, and Idetermined that, God helping, I would try to be, in some small degree, likehim.

My good resolve was destined to be very speedily put to test. There was noregular work the first day, which was devoted mainly to assigning eachpupil his position in school, and getting things straight for the comingquarter. At eight o'clock, P.M., a bell rang, and we flocked into the hall,where a light meal of bread-and-cheese and cold water was served out. Athalf-past eight the bell again rang for prayers, which were read by the HeadMaster, Dr. Grimsby, after the formal school fashion, and not improved inpoint of impressiveness by the fact that, from his tongue being too large forhis mouth, or some similar cause, he spoke with a portentous lisp, every ssounded as a th. At a quarter to nine we were dismissed to respectivedormitories, and by nine we were expected to be bed, and the gas turnedout. I was assigned to a small dormitory containing six boys only, the headof the room being a big fellow named Gunter, whom I instinctively putdown, as soon as I him, as a bully. The other occupants of the roomexchanged good deal of rough chaff, interspersed with occasional badlanguage, the senior, Gunter, being the chief offender. I had hitherto beenfortunate in belonging to a school where bad language was extremely rare,and (as with all boys in whom the healthy natural instincts have not beencorrupted) I never heard it without a hearty and profound disgust. I did notfeel called upon to make any test against it here, but I made up my mind,with perhaps a little too much of conscious virtue, that nothing should ever

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induce me to talk like that.

I was half undressed, when it suddenly struck me that neither I, nor any ofthe others, had said our prayers. Perhaps it was considered that taking partin the general school prayers precluded the necessity of any privatedevotions. I could not, however, quite feel that this was so, at any rate, inmy own case. The school prayers were read from a book, and I dare saywere excellent in their way, but they had about as much reference to myindividual needs as the Collect for Rain, or the prayer for the High Court ofParliament. I felt that prayers of that sort wouldn't give me much helptowards keeping straight in my school life, and I made up my mind that assoon as I was fairly in bed, I would silently offer up a more practicalpetition upon my own account. But a second thought suggested to me thatthis would be rather an underhand way of doing things, and scarcelyfollowing the Majors counsel to "show my colours." If it was a duty to saymy prayers, it was equally a duty not to be ashamed of doing it. Come whatmight, I resolved I wouldn't hide my colours.

I must own it was hard work to screw my courage to the sticking point. Iput it to myself whether I couldn't let things go for just that one evening,and begin the next night, when I shouldn't be quite such a stranger. But Ifelt it wouldn't do. If I didn't do the right thing now, I knew instinctivelythat I should never do it at all. It was like standing on the edge of aswimming-bath on a cold day, and hesitating to take the plunge. The longerI waited, the harder it would get, and so, without allowing my resolutionany time to cool, I turned to my bedside, and going down on my knees, Ibegan my usual evening prayer, though with rather a discursive mind, andthinking, I am afraid, quite as much of the possible effect on mycompanions as of my own occupation. There was a momentary check,occasioned, I fancy, by astonishment, in Gunter's flow of profanity, andthen he remarked, in a sneering tone:(

"Hullo, what's this little game? What's the new chap boring the bed with hisnose for?" And then, as if he had made a discovery, "Dash my buttons, if heisn't saying his prayers!"

"What an unreasonable chap he must be!" said Bullock, second in seniority."After all those nice prayers old Grimsby says every evening, to want more;I call that downright greedy."

"Couldn't you say 'em out loud, old fellow?" said Boodle, a third boy."We'll make you chaplain to the room, and you shall do the goody-goodyfor the lot of us."

"I should like to know what he's asking for," rejoined Bullock; "if it's all forhimself I call it taking a mean advantage of the rest of us."

"Look here, youngster," said Gunter, giving my hair a tug, "it's moved and

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seconded, and carried unanimously, that if you want to say any of yourprayers here, you must say 'em aloud, and then we'll see whether we canconscientiously say 'Amen' to them. D'ye hear?"

The last words were accompanied by a pretty severe kick, and at the sametime a slipper from another quarter came in contact with my head. This wasrather too much for my endurance. I suspended my devotions, and jumpedup and faced my tormentors.

"Look here, I'm not interfering with you, and I don't see any reason whyyou should interfere with me."

"Oh! you don't, don't you, young Praise-God-Barebones. And if we don'tquite see it in that light, what does your reverence propose to do? Tell theDoctor, or write home to your ma, I suppose!"

The sneering tone in which the last words were spoken made me forgetdiscretion. "No," I retorted, "I never tell tales. I leave that sort of thing tocowards and bullies, like you."

The retort was not very neat, but it was appreciated.

"Take that, you young devil, for cheeking your betters," replied Gunter,giving me a sounding slap in the face. "And there's plenty more where thatcame from."

"Take that to put to it then," I said, hitting out in return, and striking thebully on the mouth.

"What, you dare strike me, you venomous little reptile! You had better sayyour prayers again, my young friend, for what you are going to receive,which is the biggest thrashing you ever had in your life."

I squared up, determined to make the best fight I could. I never doubted thatI must ultimately be licked, for my antagonist was a couple of years older,and far taller and heavier than myself, but I was determined that at any ratehe should not have an easy victory. In the first round or two I fought on thedefensive; but I found, to my great surprise, that, thanks to the Major'sinstructions and my frequent sparring practice with Peter, the advantagewas in reality on my side, both in skill and endurance. My antagonist hadno notion of straight hitting, but charged at me with his head down, tryingto reach me by semicircular sweeps, after the "natural man" school ofboxing, which in our own case the Major had taken so much pains toeradicate. I found that I had only to keep my guard well up to protect myhead with perfect ease, while Gunter left his headpiece perfectly exposed,as if actually inviting me to hit it. I found, too, that he was no match for mein point of training. After a couple of rounds he began to puff and blow,while my dumb-bell and other exercises had left me, in sporting phrase, "asfit as a fiddle." I must admit that my first thought was self-congratulation at

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the prospect of giving the bully the thrashing he had so kindly promised me.But as I gradually became more and more confident, a feeling came overme that it would be a poor sort of victory, after all. Accordingly I took theopportunity of a momentary pause in the contest, to drop my hands, andsay,

"Look here, Gunter, we may as well stash it. I don't mean to be cocky, but Iknow more about boxing than you do, and I tell you fairly I can lick you.Come now, just let me alone, and I'll let you alone." Gunter, however, wasfar too angry to hear reason.

"You impudent little beast!" he exclaimed, and making a sudden dashforward struck me in the face unawares. This was too much. At it we wentagain, hammer-and-tongs, Gunter hitting in his semicircular fashion, andmore wildly than ever, scarcely guarding his head or chest at all. After hiscowardly blow I no longer felt inclined to spare him, and he was gettingseverely punished, while I had scarcely a bruise. At last I caught him with astraight left-hander full on the chin. The blow was delivered with right goodwill, and it knocked him on to a bed which chanced to be behind him, andover the other side. He picked himself up again, looking very crestfallen,and showed no inclination to resume the contest. "Do you intend to leaveme alone for the future?" I asked. He made no answer, save a savage grunt,and sitting down on his bed took a wash-hand basin, and began to bathe hisface, which was a good deal damaged by the encounter. His fall had made atremendous noise, and I was hardly surprised to see the door open, and theVice-Principal, Mr. Macarty, walk in.

"What was that dreadful noise?" he said. "Hallo! what's this? Gunter with ablack eye and his nose bleeding! Who has done this?" "I did, Sir," I said,"but he struck me first." "What was the quarrel about?" said Mr. Macarty,looking from one to another. Gunter and myself were both silent. "I insiston knowing. What is the meaning of it? Terry, you are a truthful boy. Tellme at once, what it all means." The boy appealed to, a pleasant-lookingfellow of about my own age, who had taken no part in my persecution, said,"It was Gunter's fault, Sir. He would not let Hazard say his prayers; andthey had a fight, and Gunter got the worst of it." "So it seems! though onecan hardly believe it. A struggle for religious liberty, was it?" (I fancied Isaw a twinkle in his eye.) "Gunter, this is not the first time I have had tocomplain of your bullying propensities. You ought to have been ashamed tostrike a boy so much younger and smaller than yourself, and I am sincerelyglad to see that, to all appearance, you have had a sound thrashing. I shallenquire into the matter further in the morning. Now you will all please getinto bed without delay, and do not let another word be spoken till getting-upbell."

So saying, he departed.

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The next morning, the bell rang at half-past six. We had twenty-fiveminutes to dress in, being expected to be in our places downstairs at fiveminutes to seven. There was therefore little time for conversation, andGunter and his friends maintained, so far as I was concerned, a sulkysilence. Terry, and another boy named Blake were friendly enough, and Imade up my mind I should like them. When I knelt down at my bedsideboth of them did likewise. There were a good many sneering glances fromthe Gunter faction, but no open opposition. After morning school, in whichI acquitted myself fairly well, I was told by a monitor that I was to go toMr. Macarty's private room. I did so with some trepidation. A good-lookingmuscular gentleman was with him, whom I afterwards found to be Mr.Vernon, the mathematical master, a Cambridge B.A., and very great at allathletic exercises. They both looked at me, by no means severely, as Ientered, and I fancied somehow that they had been speaking of me as Icame in.

"This is the champion of freedom of conscience, is it?" said Mr. Vernon."He's a very light weight, to have given a big fellow like Gunter such athrashing. Where did you learn to use your fists to such good purpose,young gentleman?"

"From an old friend of my father's, Sir, called Major Manly. He has taughtus boxing and singlestick on half-holidays, and I have practised a good dealwith my brother."

"Well, a knowledge of the art of self-defence is not to be despised," saidMr. Macarty, "so long as it is made a good use of. I have enquired into lastnight's disturbance, and don't find that you were much to blame, thoughprayers and pugilism are rather a peculiar combination."

"Church militant," suggested Mr. Vernon.

Mr. Macarty shook his head at him, with a queer expression, half smile,half frown. "I respect your courage, Hazard, moral as well as physical, and Iwill take care that in future you have full liberty for your private devotions,but you must please avoid all occasion of pugilistic encounters. And nowyou may be off to the playground."

"Hi, stop a bit," said Mr. Vernon. "You play cricket, I suppose, youngster?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Can you bowl?"

"Yes, Sir, a little."

"Come to me in the cricket-field after afternoon school, then, and we'll seewhat you can do."

Much relieved to get off so easily, I ran off to the playground, where I was

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intercepted by Terry. "Hullo, Hazard, I was just looking for you. I say, oldfellow, you are a trump."

"What do you mean?" I said.

"I mean for what you did last night. There isn't another fellow in the schoolwould have dared to stand up to that brute Gunter as you did. I am so gladyou thrashed him!"

"Much obliged, but what good does it do you?"

"More than you think. Didn't you see that after you had licked him, I kneltdown and said my prayers too? Well, I haven't dared do that since I haveslept in that room. In all the other rooms it's a matter of course, but Gunterand those two other fellows, Bullock and Boodle, never would have it inour room. Of course I said 'em in bed, but that don't seem the same thing.However, it'll be all right for the future. Has Macarty spoken to you?"

"Yes, I have just come from him, but he didn't say very much to me.Nothing to mind, anyhow; he's a jolly sort of fellow, isn't he?"

"A regular trump. But he can be pretty severe, too. I wouldn't be in Gunter'sshoes, for something. He had us all in, one by one, to get at the truth of thematter, and last of all Gunter was sent for. He was in there for twentyminutes, and when he came out he looked awful. He wasn't very ornamentalbefore, with his black eye and his cut lip, but he looked worse still afterMacarty had been talking to him. I rather suspect he's had a hint to take hisname off the books."

"I hope not," I said; "I should be awfully sorry if any fellow got into troubleon my account."

"You needn't distress yourself, my dear fellow, it isn't on your account,except that your knocking him over the bed brought up Macarty. Gunter'snot only a bully, but a regular bad lot, and the school will be well rid ofhim. There isn't a fellow in the school, except just his two or three pals, thatisn't jolly glad you licked him. But I say, Hazard, what a muscle you musthave! I thought Gunter would have knocked you into smithereens, but itseemed as if he couldn't hit you at all. How on earth did you manage it?"

"No particular credit to me," I said. "I have learnt boxing, how to hit, andguard, and all that, though I never struck anybody in anger till last night. Itmakes a lot of difference, even the little I know about it."

At this point a number of the other boys came up, and one and all began tocongratulate me on my victory over the detested Gunter. They insisted onfeeling my biceps till I felt as sore as a prize beast at a cattle show.

The general belief at the outset was that I had overcome Gunter by dint ofsuperhuman muscular strength, but learning from Terry that I knew

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something of boxing, my admirers forthwith changed their minds andcredited me with the possession of supernatural skill. If I had acceded toone half the requests made to me for instruction in the "noble art," I mighthave set up a pugilistic academy on the spot, I don't know that I amparticularly modest, but their admiration at last became seriouslyembarrassing, and I was quite thankful when the bell rang for afternoonschool.

As soon as I could get away after afternoon school, I went into thecricket-field behind the house, where I found Mr. Vernon and two or threeof the elder boys practising. "Hallo, young Ironsides," was his greeting,"here you are, are you? We'll see presently what you can do with a bat. Canyou keep wicket?"

"After a fashion, Sir."

"Very good. Smithers, you move to long-stop. Now then, youngster, let'ssee whether you can keep wicket to my bowling."

This was rather a trying post, and as I afterwards found, was rather shirkedby most of the boys, Mr. Vernon being a very fast bowler. It so happened,however, that I had had a good deal of practice in wicket-keeping, and theindifference to hard knocks which I had acquired under the Major stood mein good stead, the position of wicket-keeper to a fast bowler being one inwhich hard knocks are extremely plentiful. It was hot work, but I was luckyenough to acquit myself both in this, and in a subsequent trial of batting, toMr. Vernon's satisfaction, and I was forthwith drafted into the secondeleven, with a hint that if my future play continued equal to sample, Ishould stand a good chance of being shortly transferred into the first. I wasgreatly delighted with my success, and felt two inches taller as I left thecricket-field. The proverbial "dog with two tails" could hardly have beenprouder, and Blake and Terry, who had witnessed the trial, seemed nearlyas pleased as myself. "You're all right now," said the former; "if Vernononce takes a fancy to a fellow he always sticks to him. His favourites aregenerally of the right sort, though, I'll say that for him."

The rest of the day passed without any event worth recording. Whenbed-time came, there was no repetition of the previous night's molestation,and Gunter and his friends gave me a very wide berth from that timeforward. My acquaintance with the former was but brief, for he left at theend of the current quarter, and was not again heard of. It was reported byDibley Secundus, a rather imaginative boy, that he had gone to be a Pirate,but this was never confirmed, and we afterwards discovered that he hadbeen articled to a solicitor. I regret to say that Dibley Secundus, on beingreproached with his mis-statement, showed no contrition whatever, but saidit was very much the same thing.

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Chapter VI




CHAPTER VII.My First Appearance as a Conjurer-Preliminary Preparations-My

Programme-A New Remedy for Nervousness-Grandfather's Clock-ABreakdown in the Musical Department-A Flying Egg-The Wanderings of aHalfpenny-Curious Effects of the Human Breath-The Mysterious Die-The

Magic Hornpipe.

I HAD not been very long at Dumpton College before it became knownamong the boys that I could "do tricks," as they called it, and my talents inthat line were in frequent requisition, sometimes to an inconvenient extent.Hardly a day passed without somebody starting the cry, "I say, Hazard,show us a trick, old fellow." Having seen one trick, they generally wantedanother, and another. Now, to give a conjuring trick a fair chance ofsuccess, the first desideratum is that the spectators shall not know what iscoming, for if they do, they know exactly what to look for, and have a muchgreater chance of detecting the trick. For this reason no prudent conjurerever repeats a trick in exactly the same shape to the same audience, if hecan possibly help it. Not having the faculty of unlimited invention, I soonfound that my repertoire was getting rather stale, and that if I did noteconomize my performances, my secrets would very soon be publicproperty. Accordingly, I decided to enlarge my programme, and meanwhileexcused myself whenever I could, on the plea that I should have some newtricks shortly, but that they must wait till I had practised them.

This gave rise to a rumour that I was reserving my energies for some grandoccasion, when I was going to show all my tricks at once, with new marvelshitherto undreamt of. I found at last that my expected "show" had been sotalked about, that I should be compelled to make it a reality. The finalstroke was put by Mr. Vernon, who remarked to me one day towards theclose of the half-year, "Well, Hazard, when are we to have this grandmagical performance of yours? I hear you are quite a prestidigitateur. Whenyou are ready, you can have the dining-hall any evening you like, and ifthere is anything in reason you want for your tricks, let me know, and I'llget it for you." "You are very kind, Sir," I said; "some of the boys havebeen bothering me to give them a performance one evening, and I have halfpromised that I would, but I haven't thought seriously about it." "You had

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better think seriously about it, then," he rejoined. "I should think veryseriously about it myself, if I had to do such a thing. However, that's yourlook out."

Finding that I really was expected to give a performance, I determined tomake it as good as I could. I fixed the date as far off as possible, so as togive myself the longest available time for preparation; and thenceforwardfound myself thinking about the matter with a seriousness which mighthave satisfied even Mr. Vernon. I never heard of anybody's hair turninggrey at the age of fifteen, but I quite wonder that mine didn't. However, itkept its colour, and the eventful evening came at last, all too soon for mycomfort. Terry had undertaken to act as my assistant, and Goles, a boy whoplayed the German concertina, had offered to supply the incidental music.Dobson, a penman of surpassing skill and flourish, popularly supposed tobe very nearly the equal of the writing-master himself, undertook to copyout the programme for me in his best style. I had plenty of other volunteers,most of them coming to me privately and asking me whether I didn't want a"confederate," as if I would have condescended to the dishonest expedientof collusion with a spectator. I declined such offers with the contempt theydeserved, but I fear my refusal did not always carry conviction, more thanone of the rejected having the audacity to hint that I only declined theirassistance because I had already made a similar arrangement withsomebody else. Mr. Gilbert touchingly remarks,

"It's human nature, p'raps; if so,O, isn't human nature low!"

Dobson's programme was really a work of art. It might perhaps have beenas well if he had not introduced quite so many swans; the swan tending tohave rather a goosey effect when too often repeated; but the swoopinghawks, one at each corner, were very effective, and the crossed quills at thefoot were a master-piece in their way. In reference, I presume to the natureof the performance, little devils, skulls and cross-bones and other uncannyemblems were introduced at intervals with highly picturesque effect, myonly fear being that my performance would not come up (by a good way) tothe diabolical standard suggested. The text ran as follows :-

DUMPTON COLLEGE.

On Thursday, December 18, 18-,At Eight o'clock precisely,Will take place, in the Large Hall, an entertainment ofMAGIC AND MYSTERY,

By the Wizard of Nowhere in Particular!!

Comprising the following startling illusions :-

PART I.

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THE TRAVELLING EGG.THE ENCHANTED HANDKERCHIEF,THE MYSTERIOUS DIE.THE MAGIC HORNPIPE.--An Interval of Ten Minutes.

PART II.

THE PHOENIX CARD.THE INVISIBLE TRAVELLER.THE INEXHAUSTIBLE BOTTLE.

Dobson had added on his own responsibility

MUSIC BY THE BAND,

which seemed to me rather a florid expression for the performance of oneconcertina. However, there was no help for it now. The programme washung up in a conspicuous position. The few items of apparatus to be used inmy first part were arranged on a small table in the centre of the platform,which was made by combining the stands of the three principal masters'desks; and I retired, with Terry, behind my screen close by; to wait, withsuch equanimity as I might, the arrival of the audience.

Blake and another boy had undertaken to act as door-keepers, and it wasunderstood that no one was to be allowed to enter the room until half-pastseven. At a quarter-past we were warned by a scuffling of feet outside thedoor that the company were beginning to arrive. There was considerabledifficulty in restraining their impatience until the hour named for opening;but the doorkeepers were faithful to their duty. When the doors wereopened, there was an instant rush of juveniles, and in a moment all the frontrows were filled; the occupants casting eager glances at my table andscreen, as though they could a tale unfold, and reveal the coming mysteries.Terry had cut a couple of little peepholes in the screen, through which wecould survey our audience.

"I don't see any of the masters," I said to Terry, in a whisper. "Perhaps theywon't any of them come, and so much the better."

"Awfully caddish of them, if they don't," returned Terry, in the same tone,"and a jolly shame, too, after the trouble you've taken to get up theentertainment. But Macarty will come, never fear; and so will Vernon. Idon't know so much about the Doctor. But why do you say, 'All the better ifthey don't come?' I say, old man, you're not funking, are you?"

"Not exactly that, I hope. But I can't help feeling just a little bit nervous. It'llgo off as soon as I have fairly begun."

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"You're quite certain?" said Terry, anxiously. "It'll never do to be funkynow, you know. Have a peppermint drop. They're quite fresh. I bought 'emthis afternoon."

"Thanks, old fellow," I said, rather tickled by the idea of peppermintlozenges as a remedy for nervousness. "I think not. You'll find I shall pullthrough, somehow... By Jove, here's Macarty!"

"So he is," said Terry, applying his eye to the peep-hole, "and Vernon, too,and a lady with him. My! isn't she a stunner! And by the Holy Poker, herecomes the Doctor and Mrs. Grim, and Monsieur" (the French master). "Isay, old fellow, you'd better have a peppermint."

"Not if I know it. None of your Dutch courage for me. I didn't expect quitesuch a distinguished audience-but never mind.

"Come one, come all, this rock shall fly

From its firm base as soon as I." Here I struck an attitude, and very nearlyknocked over the screen. Happily, Terry was just in time to save it.Meanwhile, a move had been made to accommodate the distinguishedvisitors with seats in the front row. These, however, being on a low formspecially designed for very small boys, they declined, and took up aposition at the side; Mr. Vernon's lady friend being seated next to Mrs.Grimsby.

"Nearly time to begin," said Terry, looking at his watch. "It only wantsthree minutes of the quarter. Shall I signal Goles to play up?"

Goles was the boy who had undertaken the part of Orchestra. He wasseated, with his concertina, in the corner just below our screen, and it wasagreed that the waving of a hand in a particular manner from the side was tobe his cue to begin or leave off playing.

"Wait a moment. You're quite sure that everything is in order? Well then,just give me the hair-brush a moment, and hold the glass for me." Terryobligingly held up the glass (a three-cornered one without a frame), and Iimparted a few finishing touches to my personal appearance, brushing myhair well upwards and backwards, and pulling my collar up and mywristbands down, in order to give myself as manly an air as possible. "Nowthen," I said, picking up my magic wand, "Goles may begin as soon as helikes."

Terry waved his hand as agreed at the side of the screen, and Goles tunedup accordingly. He had assured me that he knew one or two little things thatwould just do, and I had left the items to his own discretion. For my ownpart, I don't think I should have selected "Grandfather's Clock" by way ofOverture. That, however, is a matter of taste. Goles went off in fine style,swinging the machine right and left, and evidently determined to get the

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very maximum amount of tone out of the instrument. For the first minute ortwo all went swimmingly, and I was beginning to congratulate myself onmy Orchestra, when the character of the music suddenly changed. It wasstill "Grandfather's Clock," but somehow "gone wrong." I had heard ofminor keys, and began to wonder whether Goles had stumbled into one byaccident. As a matter of fact, his Herculean exertions had overstrained theinstrument, and one note had become altogether silent, the effect being tomake Grandfather hiccup in a most disreputable manner.

For a few moments there was an astonished silence, then somebodylaughed, and lastly, everybody laughed. I don't wonder at it, but if it wassport to them, it was death to Terry and myself, who were personallyinvolved in the absurdity. I was annoyed, but Terry was furious. "The ideaof that idiot," he said, "bringing in a rubbishing broken-winded affair likethat. And then to have the cheek to keep on playing notwithstanding. Wemust stop this." Accordingly, he waved his hand at the side of the screen,with the agreed signal to stop playing; but Goles, absorbed in hisoccupation, did not see it, and ground away at Grandfather and hisasthmatic timekeeper with a perseverance worthy of a better cause. Terry,exasperated beyond measure, ceased to wave his hand, and shook hisclenched fist instead at the unconscious Goles. The audience caught sight ofit, and entering into the humour of the joke, applauded lustily; Goles takingthe applause to himself, and pounding away more energetically than ever.At last Terry succeeded, by throwing a paper pellet at him, in attracting hisattention. Grandfather died at last, a blessed release to all concerned, andthe music ceased. Somewhat ruffled by the contretemps, but determined todo my best to redeem it, I advanced to the audience, and making my bestbow, began my address, which was to the following effect :-

"Ladies and Gentlemen,-In introducing my little entertainment, I amreminded of what Dr. Johnson (or somebody else) once said of a pun. If it isa good one, we laugh at the pun; if it is a bad one, we laugh at the fool whomade it. Now that applies pretty closely to conjuring. If all goes right, youlaugh at the tricks; if anything goes wrong, you laugh at the performer; soin any case I hope you will be able to get a little amusement somehow orother out of my entertainment. If you don't find anything to laugh at in mytricks, I can only assure you that you are very welcome to laugh at me!

"My first experiment will be one of a very simple character. You are awarethat birds fly, but you are probably not aware that eggs also can fly, that is,if you know how to make them do it. Here is an egg, a common hen's egg,at sixteen a shilling. I don't know how the hens can do it at the price, butthat's their affair. "Here is a wooden egg-cup, with a cover, and here is alittle bag, of the material known as tammy. I will turn it inside and out toshow you that it has no preparation; in fact, it is as free from deception as Iam myself."

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(As a matter of fact, one side of the bag was made double, so as to form asort of pocket with the mouth downwards, opening nearly at the bottom ofthe bag. In turning the bag, the performer of course takes care not to showthis pocket.)

"Having shown you that the egg-cup is empty, I will place the egg in thebag. No deception, ladies and gentlemen. You see I simply drop it in. Now,waving my Wand, I command the egg to leave the bag, and pass into theegg-cup. Pass! The bag is now empty "-(in turning it upside down I causedthe egg to run into the pocket)-" and the egg has passed, as you see, into thecup." Taking off the cover, I showed, apparently, the egg in the cup (reallya half shell, previously concealed in the lid, which could be taken off withor without it at pleasure). "It's a poor rule that won't work both ways. AgainI cover the egg, and I command it to pass back into the bag. Attention!Presto! Pass!" I showed that the egg had returned to the bag, beside which Ilaid it; then taking off the cover of the egg-cup, with the half shell, Ishowed the cup empty.

"You did not see the egg pass from the one article to the other? Perhaps Idid it a little too quickly. I will repeat the experiment, and if you watch mecarefully, no doubt you will see the egg fly from the bag to the cup. See, Iplace it in the bag once more." I pretended to do so, but really palmed it(i.e., concealed it in the palm of my right hand), and a moment later laid itdown softly in a drawer behind my table, which was drawn out a few inchesfor that purpose, and in which I had placed a thickly folded handkerchief toreceive any article without noise. "I take the empty cup, and close it-so.Once more, I command the egg to pass. The bag again is empty" (this time Icrushed it up and: drew it between my hands), "and here once more"(uncovering the half shell in the cup) "is the egg. Again I cover it over, andcommand it to disappear, but this time it shall not pass back into the bag,but will fly into the middle of the audience." I made a gesture of throwing itwith the left hand, opened the egg. cup and showed it empty, meanwhilesecretly palming the egg from the drawer in my right hand. "Which way didit go? Did anybody see it? Ah, here it is," producing it from under Mr.Macarty's beard, which, the egg being already in my hand, was not difficultto do, but the applause was tremendous.

I had had rather a nervous feeling when I first began, but I was encouragedby my success, and now felt as cool as the proverbial cucumber. I bowedand proceeded.

"For the purpose of my next experiment, I shall require to borrow apocket-handkerchief and a halfpenny." A score of hands were at once heldup with the required articles. Among them was a handkerchief belonging toDibley Secundus, with an ornamental border of little black devils chasingone another all round the edge. For magical purposes nothing could havebeen more appropriate, and I gave it the preference, to the great satisfaction

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of the owner, who, I am persuaded, thenceforth took credit in his own mindfor a large share in the trick. I took the first halfpenny that came to hand,first having it marked so as to be identifiable; and as I returned to myplatform slily dropped it into an open ink-pot on Mr. Macarty's desk, whichchanced to lie in my way. I had already substituted for it (in apparentlytransferring it from the one hand to the other) another of my own, which Ihad ready in my hand and now held up boldly, so that no one knew what Ihad done. Carrying the substitute, still held aloft, to my table, I calledattention to a little round boxwood box, like a large pill-box, but of a moreornamental description, and of such diameter internally as just to admit ahalfpenny, lying flat. It was about three-quarters of an inch in depth, andwas lined at top and bottom with bright red paper. This I handed forexamination, inviting the company to satisfy themselves that it had noopening or other mechanical contrivance. When the box was returned tome, I placed the halfpenny in it, letting everyone see that I did so, and putthe lid on. I then shook the box, the rattling of the coin within proving thatit was really there. "Now," I said, "I have merely to touch this box with mywand. and the coin will instantly leave it, and pass-where shall we say? intoMonsieur Dupont's waistcoat-pocket'" (I named the French master, becausehe happened to be standing close beside the inkpot into which I haddropped the coin.) "One, two, three! Pass!" I touched the box with thewand, and again shook it. All was silent. I took off the lid, and showed thatthe box was empty, the red paper at the bottom being clearly visible. Iturned it upside down on the end of my wand. "Now, if Monsieur Dupontwill look in his pocket, no doubt he will find the coin."

All eyes were turned on the French master, who began with greatdeliberation to search his pockets. "Vat is it zat you say-ze halfpenny in mypoche?" He took out in succession a tooth pick, a trouser-button, a stumpypencil and a bit of chalk, and turned the pocket inside out-" But no, myfriend, it must be zat ze coin he have miss his way, I have him not." I put onan expression of discomfiture-" You cannot find it, Monsieur? Perhaps it isin some other pocket?" Monsieur obligingly searched all his other pockets,producing in so doing a very snuffy pockethandkerchief, which set everyone near him sneezing. "I am desolate, my friend, but I find him not," hesaid, good-naturedly, compassionating my apparent failure. "It is strange," Isaid, "for you can see for yourse!ves that the coin has left the box; butperhaps the mesmeric influence was not strong enough to carry all the way.Will some one look, please, on the floor? The coin is sure to be somewherebetween me and Monsieur Dupont." Nothing, however, was found on thefloor. "Will some one look on that desk, please? It might be there, orperhaps it has fallen into the ink-stand." There was an incredulous sniggeramong the boys, the suggestion being evidently regarded as a put-off, tocover a failure. However, the ink-pot was emptied, and the coin was foundin it. It was carefully wiped, and the mark identified, and the applauserevived with renewed vigour. "If you will hand it to me, I will pass it back

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into the box again." I closed the box, shook it to prove it empty, and handedit to Terry, making him hold it well above his head, that all might see it. Ithen spread the borrowed handkerchief squarely upon the table, and laid themarked coin in its centre. "Observe, please, that I lay the coin fairly in thecentre of the handkerchief-I will now turn down the corners one afteranother over the coin. Once again I touch the coin through thehandkerchief, with my wand, and now command it to go back into the box.One, two, three! Pass!" Hooking the first and second fingers of each handwithin the fold formed by the two nearest corners, I shook out thehandkerchief. The coin had disappeared. Then taking the box from Terry, Irattled it; the sound showed that the coin had returned, and opening it, Iturned it out into the palm of my left hand, and handed the box to thenearest spectator for examination. I then restored the coin to the owner, whoagain identified his mark.

The secret of the trick is simple enough, though it sorely puzzled the greaterpart of my audience. A duplicate halfpenny is used, one side of which iscovered with red paper, corresponding to that which lines the box. If thebox is shown with the coin in it, Papered side upwards, it naturally appearsto be empty. If shaken up and down, the coin rattles within it; but if shakenlaterally, as the coin exactly covers the bottom, it has no play, and is silent.A coin, prepared as above, was concealed in my hand before I began thetrick, and when I dropped the borrowed halfpenny into the ink-pot, Ishowed this one, the unpapered side upward, in its place. I then put it intothe box so that it might fall with the papered side uppermost. The supposeddisappearance and re-appearance of the coin will be readily understood. Bythrusting my wand into the box, so as to keep the coin in place, and theninverting the whole, I was able to confirm the impression of the box beingempty.

To make the marked coin disappear from the handkerchief, I used a littlepellet of wax, while I pressed against the corner of the handkerchief nearestto my right hand as it lay on the table. In turning down the corners insuccession over the coin, I turned down this corner first, at the same timepressing it, so as to make it adhere to the coin. In lifting the handkerchief asdescribed, this corner, with the coin attached, came naturally into my righthand, and on shaking out the handkerchief I was able to show it empty.When I reproduced the papered coin from the box, the act of pouring it intomy palm made it fall with the unpapered side upwards, and, while attentionwas drawn to the box, I secretly exchanged this coin for the genuine onealready in my right hand, which I then returned to the owner.

"Is that all?" some reader may be tempted to exclaim-"Why, anybody coulddo that." No doubt they could, if they gave sufficient time and attention toit, but it will be found upon trial that these little processes, which seem, andindeed are, so very simple, demand a very considerable amount of practiceto perform them neatly. The mere exchange of a coin as described, though

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perfectly easy and completely illusive in practised hands, would be detectedin a moment in the hands of a bungler. To gain the necessary "finish" I hadtaken Terry into my confidence, and had rehearsed the trick repeatedlyunder his eyes, he acting as spectator, pointing out defects, and making merepeat and correct any movement which seemed likely to arouse suspicion.

I had laid the handkerchief, as if carelessly, spread out upon the table, withabout one-third of its length extending over the open drawer (of whoseexistence, be it remembered, the audience were unaware). In picking it upagain, I took up within it, from the drawer, a conical muslin bag filled withbon-bons, which was placed there, small end upwards. The mouth of thelittle bag, which was therefore downwards, was kept closed by two piecesof steel spring. So long as these remained straight, the bag remained closed,but the slightest pressure on their ends would cause them to bend outwards,thereby opening the bag, and releasing the contents.

"The handkerchief having served my purpose, I will return it, with manythanks. Or stay, if the owner will allow me, I will retain it for anotherexperiment-" (Dibley Secundus magnanimously signified his approval). "Iwill now show you a curious effect of the sweetness of the human breath. Ifsome one will be kind enough to breathe on this handkerchief, we shallsee-what we shall see." Taking a plate from my table, I advanced to thepretty-looking lady who had come in with Mr. Vernon, and said, "May Iask you, Madam, to hold this plate, and to breathe upon the handkerchief?"The young lady took the plate. I held the handkerchief over it, suspendedgracefully between my second finger and thumb, the four corners hangingdown, with the bag concealed within. As she breathed, I stroked down thehandkerchief with the other hand, thereby causing the springs to open, and ashower of bon-bons to fall on the plate. "Sweets to the sweet. A very prettycompliment," said Mr. Vernon. The young lady handed me back the platewith a smile and a blush. I heard murmurs of "Like his cheek" from JonesPrimus and two or three of the elder boys, who, after the manner of theirkind, had conceived sudden and violent passions for the fair visitor, buttheir jealous feelings did not prevent their doing full justice to the bon-bons.Meanwhile, under cover of the sensation produced by the appearance of thesweets, I had slipped the little bag into my pocket, and "palmed" a smallonion which I had placed there in readiness. I remarked, "I like to ask theassistance of a lady in this experiment, as the result is generally moresatisfactory, but any one can perform it, if they go the right way to work.Suppose we try it again; Monsieur Dupont, will you breathe on thehandkerchief this time? I have not another plate, but, perhaps you will holdyour hands beneath to receive the result." He did so, and heaved an audiblesigh over the handkerchief; when I let fall into his extended hands-theonion, the result being an universal shout of laughter. My selection ofMonsieur Dupont was a mere afterthought, but it happened to be speciallyappropriate, inasmuch as it was a standing belief in the school that onions

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formed the leading item of his diet; and the joke therefore toldtremendously. The old gentleman was not in the least disconcerted- "Myfaith," he said, good-naturedly, "zat is one ver good trick. One, two, tree,blow, and he come! I wish I always get ze leetle onion so easy as zat. I keephim for my dejeuner." And the onion went into his tail-pocket (along withthe snuffy pocket handkerchief) accordingly.

My next trick was the well-known "Hat Die," a wooden die, two and a halfinches in diameter, which is made, apparently, to pass through the crown ofa borrowed hat. This is achieved by the use (unknown to the audience)of ahollow or "shell" die of tin, painted to match the solid die, and of such asize as just to slip easily over it. One side, of course, is wanting. Anornamental cover of stiff leather or pasteboard, just fitting over the hollowdie, completes the apparatus. When first shown, the "shell" is placed overthe solid die, so that the two appear like one only. In this condition theywere placed upon my table, the cover standing close beside them. On myasking the loan of a gentleman's hat, Dr. Grimsby, the Principal, graciouslyhanded up his collegiate square cap. This was a tremendous act ofcondescension on his part, but the honour was embarrassing, for what Iwanted was the familiar "chimney pot." I explained, in my most persuasiveaccents, that that wasn't quite the sort of hat I required; and finally a tall hatwas fetched from Mr. Macarty's room, but I felt that I had lost prestige bymy refusal, and I made up my mind, that thenceforth, whenever the greatestgun in the company offered his co-operation, I would always accept it,whatever the result. I have never yet performed before Queen Victoria, butshould I ever do so, and Her Majesty were graciously to volunteer the loanof her crown, I would make a pudding in it without the smallest hesitation.

To shake off the painful impression produced by my temerity in decliningthe Doctor's cap, I dashed boldly at the trick. "Here, ladies and gentlemen, Ihave a hat-a borrowed hat. I prefer to borrow on these occasions, because ifanything happens to the hat, it isn't of so very much consequence. This timeI shall merely want to cut a little piece out of the hat just large enough to letthis die go through." I saw some of the boys look at each other with aknowing smile, as much as to say, they understood now why I wouldn't usethe Doctor's. "You don't object, I suppose, sir?" to Mr. Macarty. "Well, I'drather you didn't." he replied, "but I suppose I must leave it to you." "Oh,you would rather I didn't? Then I must try some other method. I was goingto pass this die" (here I picked it up with the "shell" over it) "through thecrown of your hat. It is pretty solid, as you see" (I brought it down with awhack on the table), "and I was going to pass it into your hat. I don't meanlike this" (here I dropped it openly into the hat, and immediately took it outagain), "but through the crown. However, if you object to my cutting a holein the hat, I can't very well do it that way, so I will pass it through this slateinstead." (I picked up one of the school slates, and laid it across the mouthof the hat, placing the die upon it.) "Observe, I am going to make the die

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pass through the slate, and fall into the hat. Watch very closely, please, oryou won't see how it's done. Of course, I must first conceal the die, which Ido by placing this cover over it. Pray satisfy yourselves, by the way, that itis a mere pasteboard cover, and nothing else. You are satisfied? Then I willplace it over the die. One, two, three! Pass!" I lifted the cover, and showedits interior; the die was gone, and I rattled my wand within it. Taking off theslate, I inverted the hat, and out rolled the die with a bump on the floor. Itwas picked up and handed back to me. "I shall now attempt a much moredifficult feat, namely, to make the die pass upwards, through the slate andunder the cover again. You see" (handing the slate for examination) "thatthe hole made by the die in its passage has already healed up. Once more Iplace the die in the hat. Again I place the slate across the top, and on it theempty cover. This time I reverse the formula. Three, two, one! Pass! Oncemore the die has changed places, and is again under the cover." I lifted thecover, and there was the die.

The acute reader, being aware of the existence of the "shell" die, hasdoubtless guessed the working of the trick. I dropped shell and solid dieinto the hat together, but took out the shell only. When I placed it on theslate, the open side was downwards, and picking up the cover with a gentlepressure, I picked up the shell with it, and, showing the inside of the shellwithin the cover, proved the latter (apparently) empty. In the second phaseof the trick I lifted the cover without pressure, and the shell, which thespectators took to be the solid die, again appeared on the slate. The solid dieremained in the hat, and was afterwards secretly removed by Terry, beforereturning the hat to its owner.

The above is by no means the neatest or most artistic method of workingthe trick in question, but it was the best I knew at the time, and fortunatelymy audience were not very critical. I saw one or two of them afterwardsexamining Mr. Macarty's hat and the slate with great minuteness, andJohnson Primus remarked to me afterwards. "I say, old fellow, you had thatother die up your sleeve." It appears to be an article of faith with theuninstructed public that a conjurer carries everything (from packs of cardsto cannon-balls) up his sleeve. I have even known the remark made withevery appearance of conviction, by an old lady, respecting a Hindooconjurer performing in his native costume, and with whom sleeves (andindeed most other garments) were conspicuous by their absence.

My next trick was that of the "Dancing Sailor," a little cardboard figurewith very loose joints, which being placed on the floor, suddenly standserect and begins to dance, keeping time to music. The secret lies in the useof a black silk thread fastened to a point a few inches above the floor at oneside of the stage. This lies on the floor till needed, when the free end istaken hold of by the assistant behind the scenes, and the thread drawn taut.There is a little notch in the cardboard on each side of the head of the sailor,which enables the performer to hook it on the thread. This being alternately

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pulled and slackened with a series of gentle jerks, makes the figure dance,throwing its arms and legs about in what, if you "make believe very much,"like the Marchioness of immortal memory, may be regarded as a hornpipe.Against a fairly dark background the thread is invisible, and the illusionperfect. It had been agreed that at this point Goles should strike up, by wayof accompaniment, a piece of music known as the "Row Polka." He didstrike up accordingly, though in the disabled condition of his instrument,the "row" element was very much more perceptible than the polka. I verilybelieve that if there had been half-a-dozen notes short instead of one, Goleswould still have attempted the performance; in fact, he reminded meafterwards that Paganini used to play the fiddle with a single string, and Icould not get him to see that a concertina with one note would not beexactly a parallel case. In mercy to the audience, I cut the Magic Hornpipevery short indeed, and announced that in consequence of an accident to the"band," the music which was to have enlivened the Interval would beomitted, and the interval itself cut down to five minutes instead of ten. Thisannouncement appeared to give lively satisfaction to all present save Goleshimself, who eyed me with an expression which I will not attempt todescribe. I don't think he was naturally a ferocious boy, but if he could havekilled me at that moment, I feel sure he would have done so with pleasure.His baleful glance even pursued me behind the screen, whither I retired tomake my final preparations for the second part. Terry meanwhile clearedmy table of the articles already used, his proceedings being watched withbreathless interest by the smaller boys.


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CHAPTER VIII.The Second Part of my Entertainment--The Phoenix Card--A MysteriousDisappearance--The Inexhaustible Bottle--A Cure for Greediness--The

Doctor's Speech.

I HAD arranged to commence the second part of my entertainment with acard trick. Card-playing was strictly forbidden in the school, and when Icame forward with a pack of cards in my hand there was quite a sensation. Isaw one or two of the juniors glance furtively at the Doctor, evidently morethan half expecting that the performance would be stopped, and theprofessor sent immediately to bed for his temerity. Mrs. Grimsby, who hadnot yet forgiven me, I fancy, for daring to refuse her lord and master's cap,glanced at him also in a meaning way, as if he really ought to draw the lineat that; but fortunately he made no sign of displeasure. I thought it best (ifone may be permitted so daring an expression with reference to ahead-master) to take the bull by the horns, and after shuffling the cards,spread them out before him, and asked him to favour me by selecting one. Ithen asked him to tear up the card he had chosen into eight pieces. Helooked at me doubtfully.

"But if I tear the card, I thall thpoil your pack!"

"So much the better," said Mrs. Grim (as we boys called her) in anundertone.

"It will be of no consequence," I said, "I can easily make another."

"Oh! well, if you thay tho, tho be it," he said, and tore the card in half.

"Will you kindly tear the pieces in half again; and again, sir, and give thefragments to me."

He did so. I gave him one of them back again.

"Will you keep one of them, sir, just to identify the card by presently? I willnow take these fragments of the card, and burn them. Meanwhile, perhaps,somebody else will take charge of the pack," which I handed accordingly toMr. Vernon. "You observe, ladies and gentlemen, I burn the fragments ofcard to ashes in this plate. Having done so, I just touch the ashes with my

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wand, and the card will instantly be restored, and will pass back to the pack.Will you say what the card was, sir?"

"The Knave of Thpadth," said the Doctor.

"Will Mr. Vernon kindly see whether the card was returned to the pack?"

"Yes, here it is, but one corner is missing."

"Missing!" I exclaimed. "Oh, yes, of course, I forgot. The Doctor retainedone corner. May I ask you to see, sir, if the corner fits?"

The Doctor adapted the piece he held to the card; "Yeth; it fitth rightenough," he said.

"Then, ladies and gentlemen, you can have no possible doubt that that is theidentical card, so far restored. But the card would be useless in its presentcondition, and I must therefore make a further effort to restore itcompletely. May I ask you, sir, to place the card and the loose corner in thislittle box?"

This was a little walnut wood box about an inch deep, and of such a size asjust to contain a card, lying flat. I closed it, and touched it with my wand.

"Presto! be restored."

Again I opened the box, and the card was seen fully restored. I took it out,and handed it to the Doctor, who turned it over, and looked at it back andfront, with a comically puzzled expression.

"That ith really very thurprithing," he said, and this was the signal for alouder salvo of applause than any I had yet received.

If the reader is not acquainted with the trick he may be of the same opinion,but the seeming marvel is capable of a very simple explanation. I had tornoff, and held concealed in my hand, one corner of a Knave of Spades. Themutilated card I had returned to the pack, which I placed in an outsidepocket of my jacket. The pack which I offered for the Doctor to draw fromwas what is called a "forcing" pack, consisting entirely of Knaves ofSpades, so that there was not the least risk of his drawing any other card.When I gave him back, apparently, one of the pieces of the card he had justtorn up, I really substituted the corner already in my hand, and whilegeneral attention was attracted to the tearing up of the card I exchanged the"forcing" pack for the one in my pocket, and handed the latter to Mr.Vernon. The finding of the card with the corner missing, and its beingfound to fit, will therefore easily be understood. For the final restoration Iused what is called a 'card-box,' in which, by turning over the box a looseslab of wood is made to transfer itself from the one side to the other,covering the mutilated card just placed therein, and revealing a completecard, secretly placed there beforehand.

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I was greatly pleased at my success, but tried to look as modest as I could,and as soon as the applause had subsided, proceeded to my next trick. Inthis I introduced a little wooden doll representing an old woman, fiveinches high, and a red cloak, closed in front, so as to be in truth, more like apetticoat, with just space to put the head of the little figure through what inthe case of a petticoat would be the waist. I explained that this little figurerepresented the celebrated Mrs. Guppy, a lady who had the faculty, inspiritualistic language, of dematerialising herself, vanishing, andre-appearing in a most mysterious manner. I whacked her head on the tableto show that she was pretty solid, and called attention to her cloak ofinvisibility, which she was wont to wear on her travels. I slipped it over her,her head just showing above her drapery, and beaming amiably on thecompany.

"Mrs. Guppy will now disappear," I said, but the good lady made no sign ofleaving. "Are you not going, madam?" but still she made no sign ofdeparture. "Oh, I see what it is, you are waiting for your travellingexpenses."

Placing my hand in my pocket, I made the motion of taking out andoffering her money. "Here is a sovereign for you" (the coin beingimaginary, expense was no object); "will that be enough?" The figurenodded, and then the head suddenly sank into the cloak and disappeared."She is gone, you see, ladies and gentlemen." I drew the cloak through myhands (I had previously turned up my sleeves) and even turned it inside out.The figure was obviously gone, vanished into empty air, and yet a momentlater, the old lady had returned, and was nodding away again in her cloakwith all possible geniality.

This little trick, formerly very popular with the mountebanks at countryfairs, is one of the oldest in the repertoire of the conjurer. The figure issolid, but is in two portions, the head being attached to the body by meansof a wooden peg, which forms a prolongation of the neck. The cloak orpetticoat has a little pocket on its inner side. When the performer is about tomake believe to offer money to the figure, he is holding the figure in hisright hand, the hand being under the cloak. For greater convenience ofgetting to his pocket, he transfers the figure to his left hand, and in doing sodraws away and palms the body, which in taking out the imaginary coin heleaves in his pocket; the left hand meanwhile supports the head in positionfrom below the cloak, holding it by the peg, and making it nod and turnfrom side to side as he pleases. Having disposed of the money difficulty,the performer lets the head drop within the cloak, and receives it in the littlepocket, of which the spectators know nothing. He is thus enabled to showhis hands really, and the cloak apparently empty. When he desires that thefigure shall re-appear, he has only to place his hand under the cloak, takethe head from the pocket, and slip it up through the opening again.

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My concluding trick was that of the Inexhaustible Bottle. For this I wasindebted to Mr. Vernon, who had asked me if I knew this particular trick. Itold him that I knew the trick, but did not possess the necessary bottle,when he very kindly volunteered to remove that difficulty by presenting mewith it. It need hardly be said that I had gladly accepted so good an offer,and the "bottle," one of the very best make, had arrived a fortnightpreviously. I may here explain that the Inexhaustible Bottle is really of tin,japanned, though it has the appearance of an ordinary black glass bottle. Ithas a number of separate compartments, each holding a different liquid, andeach having a minute air-hole, which is covered by one of the fingers of theperformer. When all the air-holes are closed the bottle may be inverted andnothing will run out, but the moment the finger is lifted from a givenair-hole the liquid in the corresponding compartment begins to flow. Mybottle had five compartments, the air-holes being covered by the fourfingers and thumb. The liquors contained in the bottle (also procured for meby Mr. Vernon) were port, sherry, milk, plain water, and a strong solutionof Epsom salts, disguised in appearance by the addition of a grain or two ofcochineal. I had on my table a large tray of glasses, several of which, keptdiscreetly in the background, were specially prepared with a few drops oftincture of orange-peel, some in like manner with essence of ginger, andsome with lemon syrup. These enabled me to increase the range of choice,for by pouring sherry into one of the glasses prepared with the orange orginger flavours it became orange wine or ginger wine accordingly. Thewater poured into a glass containing lemon syrup became lemonade, or byletting milk and sherry run together into one of the orange-flavouredglasses, it would pass muster, after a fashion, for milk-punch. I was thusprepared, exclusive of the Epsom salts, to take orders for eight differentliquors, and I had to trust to my own ingenuity to meet, or evade any otherdemands that might arise.

I came forward, bottle in hand, and stood by my table, on which Terryplaced the tray of glasses. These, by the way, were of very small size, so asto make the liquids go the farther. "You have been listening to me so long,ladies and gentlemen, that you may be in need of a little refreshment. Whatmay I offer you, madam?" (addressing Mrs. Grimsby)-"port, sherry, orangewine, ginger wine, anything you please." Mrs. Grim looked at medoubtfully, half inclined to think I was hoaxing her. "If you really have allthose things, I will take a glass of sherry." I poured out a glass of sherry,and handed it to her. She put it to her lips. There was a moment ofbreathless interest. I am afraid some of the younger spectators hoped it wasipecacuanha, but if so, they were disappointed. The liquid evidently gavesatisfaction. Mrs. Grim smiled graciously, and looked, for the first timeduring the performance, as if there was some good in conjuring, after all.Turning to her fair companion I repeated the invitation. "I am very sorry,"she said, "to be obliged to decline, but I never take wine-I am a waterdrinker." "Water," I replied, "certainly, madam, you shall have water, if you

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wish it, or would you prefer lemonade, or milk? It is all the same to me." "Ishould prefer plain water," she said, looking a little surprised at the extentof my powers. I supplied her accordingly. "What may I offer you, sir," saidI, addressing the Doctor. "Well, Mithter Profethor, if it'th the thame to you,I'll take a glath of good old port." "Certainly, sir." He took the glass, andsmacked his lips with unction. "Very good port, too." His approval was thesign for a tremendous burst of applause. Mr. Vernon decided formilk-punch and Mr. Macarty for lemonade. I was afraid Monsieur Dupontwould have asked for claret, which was beyond my resources, but hefortunately followed Mr. Vernon's example, and demanded a "ponch." Nextcame the turn of the boys, and a pretty clamour they made, each shoutingout his selection. If they asked for anything I didn't know, or couldn't givethem, I gave them a combination of two or more liquids, at a venture, andpassed rapidly to somebody else. Finding at last that one or two of mycompartments were running low, I ceased pouring, and addressed thecompany as follows :-

"You will readily understand, ladies and gentlemen, that when onepossesses a bottle like this, it becomes merely a question of time to procureas much liquid as you like, and of what kind you like. This evening,however, the chief demand has been for intoxicating beverages, and I feelbound to stop the supply. To prove to you, however, that I do not do thisbecause the power of the bottle is exhausted, I will now call upon it toproduce a few glasses of the celebrated Rosolio cordial, a beverage ofwhich you may partake without any fear whatever of its producingintoxication." Here I poured out two or three glasses of the Epsom saltssolution, whose beautiful pink colour produced a murmur of admiration."Who will take some?" "I say, give me a drop, will you," said a boy namedPreedy, holding out his hand eagerly. "I haven't had anything yet." To myown knowledge this was a fib, for I had served him twice to differentliquors, and I was not sorry to have the opportunity of punishing hisgreediness. I handed him the glass, and he took what the Germans call acow-gulp, after which his countenance was a study; in the immediatepresence of the Doctor and the ladies, who were close beside him, he couldnot very well spit the liquid out again, but was compelled to swallow it."What b-b-beastly muck!" he sputtered. "I'll pay you for this to-morrow,Master Dick;" but I had little fear of his vengeance. "Will anyone else try alittle of the Rosolio cordial?" I asked, with my blandest expression, "I donot say that it is exactly nice, but I assure you it is extremely wholesome."Preedy's experience had made his neighbours cautious. One or two put theirlips to the rosy fluid, but passed it on with a grimace and a shake of thehead, and there were no further demands on the Inexhaustible Bottle. "Youare quite sure none of you would like a little more of the cordial. There isplenty more," I said. "You won't? Then, ladies and gentlemen, nothing nowremains for me but to thank you for your kind attention, and to beg that if,as I don't doubt, you have discovered my secrets, you won't tell them to

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your wives and families." There was a grand final round of applause, andthen the Doctor, holding up one hand for silence, and placing the otherunder the tail of his gown (his favourite attitude), delivered himself asfollows:-" Well, boyth, we've had a very pleathant evening. I had no ideathat the thcool pothethed thuch a withard. I mutht confeth that Hathard hatheven puthled ME" (Mrs. Grimsby shook her head at him, as if she thought itvery unwise to make such an admission), "but we muthn't have too muth ofthith kind of thing; one conjurer in a thcool ith quite enough. I have nocomplaint to make of Hathard, but if he had devoted the thame time to histhtudies ath he mntht have done to practithing all thith nonthenth he wouldno doubt have made still better progreth."

And I dare say the Doctor was right.


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CHAPTER IX.Home for the Holidays--Peter in low spirits--Our attempts at

Consolation--Peter Runs Away--Breaking the News--Return to DumptonCollege--At Home Once More--Showing Off--An Awful Retribution--A

Moral Safety-valve.

TWO days after the great event recorded in my last chapter DumptonCollege broke up for the Christmas holidays. I had had to fence withinnumerable questions as to how this and that was done. The wildest andmost startling theories were propounded to account for the most simpleresults, the theorist generally winding-up with "Come now; that is right,isn't it? you might tell a fellow." As I knew perfectly well, however, that if Idid tell a fellow the fellow would immediately tell some other fellow, Ipreferred to keep my own counsel, and Terry, who was the only one in myconfidence, seconded me admirably. The most gorgeous bribes, rangingfrom unlimited penny ices to a nearly new cricket-bat, failed to tempt himfrom his allegiance. Indeed, he was so proud of being known to be in mysecrets that he even wrapped himself in a sort of atmosphere of mystery,and went about ostentatiously dissembling, like a villain at an east-endtheatre. If he had unexpectedly been made a Freemason or a ThibetanBrother he could hardly have looked more mysterious.

I expressed to Goles, the hero of the concertina, my regret at thebreak-down of his instrument, but found him in a very unconciliatory stateof mind. "All jolly fine for you," he said, "bagging all the applause for yourold tricks; you might have let me do my little bit. After practising all onehalf-holiday, to be stopped in the middle, I call it a jolly shame; that's whatI call it, so there." "But, my dear fellow," I said, "one note was gone.""Well, what of that" he said savagely, "a concertina with one note short isbetter than no concertina at all, ain't it? And it was only a B flat." Why thefact of the missing note being only a B flat should be regarded as anextenuating circumstance I don't know, but Goles evidently considered thatit was so. I did my best to bring him to a better frame of mind, but in vain,and he concluded by saying that the next time I showed any of my "jollyold tricks" (the repetition of this phrase seemed to comfort him) I mightplay the concertina myself, and see how I liked it.

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On returning home I was received with tears of delight by my mother, andby the Major and Peter with equal demonstrations of affection, though theydid not take the same form. My six months at Margate had done mephysically a great deal of good, and Jemima volunteered the remark thatMaster Dick was now quite "a man grown." I believed it at the time, andwas gratified accordingly, but truth compels me to admit that I kept ongrowing for a very considerable time afterwards. Peter and I resumed ourathletic exercises under the supervision of the Major, who was pleased tofind that I had lost neither in strength nor agility. Poor Peter, however, wasin the lowest of spirits. He had now definitely left school, and immediatelyafter Christmas was to assume his seat on the long threatened stool in UncleBumpus' counting-house. He had the warmest sympathy of the Major andmyself, neither of whom had any taste for the mill-horse routine of atradesman's life. The Major gave him good advice, trying his best toreconcile him to his prospective occupation, but it was only in ahalf-hearted way, and ever and anon a word or phrase would slip out thatshowed how little liking he himself would have for such a destiny. At theclose of our last morning in the gymnasium Peter remarked with a sigh :-

"I wonder how a fellow feels when he's going to be hanged the next day.Just about as lively as I do, I should fancy."

"Cheer up, old man," I said, "it's no use grizzling. One must earn a livingsomehow, and you've got a rare good opening with Uncle Bumpus. Makeyour fortune, I shouldn't wonder."

"Bother the fortune," said Peter gloomily. "Anybody's welcome to thefortune, for me. A pretty sort of occupation, to sit perched up all day in acupboard, giving change for sixpences."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of in that," said the Major, "so long as yougive the right change. Let's see, what is it the man says,

'Honour and shame from no condition rise,Act well your part; there all the honour lies.'

That's the true secret, Peter."

"It's all very well for you, Major," rejoined Peter. "You wouldn't like ityourself, you know you wouldn't."

"My dear boy, we can't always do what we like in this world. I have had todo a good many things in my time I didn't like, I can assure you."

"Oh, yes, I daresay," said Peter, still unconvinced, "but nothing so beastlyas this."

"I don't know. I fancy I have had to do things quite as distasteful to me asthis is to you. We all think our own troubles the biggest, you know. Put a

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good face on it, my dear boy. Perhaps you won't find it so unpleasant as youthink."

"I can't find it worse, that's one comfort. Such a life would be bad enoughanywhere, but with Uncle Bumpus constantly at one's elbow, it will be tooawful. Why couldn't mother have made me a soldier or a sailor, as I wantedher to?"

"You wouldn't find it all beer and skittles, my dear boy, either as a soldieror a sailor. It's a roughish sort of life in both cases."

"Anyhow, it's a man's life, and not a mollycoddle's," said Peter. "I do thinkyou might have persuaded her, Major. She always listens to you."

"My dear Peter, shall I tell you a secret? I did my best, knowing your strongdistaste for mercantile life, to get her to give you a chance at sailoring orsoldiering. But it was no go. You know how nervous she is, and for once Icouldn't move her. So you must e'en make the best of it, and go in for thefortune Dick talks about. It'll be irksome at first, I daresay, to be tied to adesk, but you'll soon get over that."

"Never!" said Peter, with conviction. "But if it must be, it must be, andthere's an end of it." And thereupon we went indoors to supper.

The foregoing conversation took place on a Saturday. On the followingMonday morning Peter took a solemn farewell of us and departed to assumehis new position at Uncle Bumpus'. He was to sleep, like the rest of theapprentices, in the house, only spending Sunday at home. On the Fridayevening, however, a letter addressed in Peter's hand-writing, reached methrough the post. It ran as follows :-

"Dear Dick,

"I'm off. I can't stand it any longer, and I'm going to be a sailor. Tell motherto keep up her spirits, I shall be all right at sea, but I should have come to anEarly Grave if I had stayed at Uncle Bumpus'.

"Your affectionate brother,

"Peter."

My mother happened to be out when this letter arrived. I took counsel withJemima, who agreed to help me to break the news to her. Her mode ofdoing so, however, was somewhat peculiar. The moment my motherreturned she began, putting on her most cheerful manner.

"I told you he'd never stand it, mum. Them was my very words, if yourec'lect. I know'd he couldn't. And they've come true."

My mother looked inquiringly from me to Jemima, and back again. "Who

Chapter IX


couldn't stand what, and what has happened? I'm quite bewildered. Don'tkeep me in suspense, pray." And she began to cry.

"It's all right, mother," I said. "It's only that Peter didn't like Uncle Bumpus',and he's gone to sea."

"Gone to see! Gone to see who?" said my mother, whose emotionoverpowered her grammar.

"Sea, mother, s-e-a. He has gone for a sailor."

"Yes, mum; he's gone for a sailor, what he ought to a been at first, if you'dtook my advice and the Major's, instead of that there Mr. Bumpuses. Ah!the Major, he is a gentleman, he is, and knows what's what. The idea of anice, pleasant-spoken young gentleman like Master Peter, being putapprentice to a interfering old "-I am convinced Armadillo was on the tip ofher tongue-"a interfering old Image like that there Mr. Bumpus. It wasn't innatur'!"

"And he has run away, he has run away," sobbed my mother, "and I shallnever, never see him again."

"Oh yes, you will, mother, never fear. He's sure to come and see you afterevery voyage, and he'll send you all sorts of lovely things from foreigncountries, ostrich feathers, and-and cocoanuts, and parrots, and monkeys."

"No monkey shall ever come inside my doors," said my mother, withdecision, and, suddenly drying her eyes. "If I thought he'd do such a thing,I'd, I'd-I don't know what I wouldn't do."

My well-meant attempt at consolation had its effect, though in a differentway to what I intended. My mother's determination to resist the invasion ofher dwelling by a possible monkey had for the moment put in thebackground the immediate affliction of Peter's flight.

"No," she resumed, "no monkey shall come inside my house. Oh dear, ohdear, that I should have lived to see this day!"

"Lor, mum, don't take on so," said Jemima. "Fancy how smart he'll lookwith his nice uniform, and his lovely gold eppylettes... Jemima evidentlysupposed that Peter would be made a naval captain at once. I did not thinkthis quite likely, myself, but it did not seem to strike my mother asimprobable, and I let it pass.

"And learn to smoke, and swear, and chew tobacco, and smell of rum, likethat sailor with a wooden leg, who used to sweep the crossing at thepublic-house round the corner, and shiver his timbers if you didn't give hima penny."

"Lor, mum, he won't be that sort of sailor, Master Peter won't. He'll be one

Chapter IX


of the tip-toppers, never fear!"

"If he would only promise not to use tobacco, and never to go up thosenasty masts and things. But he will, I know he will, it's just his nature to beventuresome."

At this moment, the Major's knock was heard at the door. He, too, had had anote from Peter, and came to aid in the task of consolation. Under ourunited endeavours, my mother became more reconciled to the inevitable,and with a final protest that she would have no monkeys, succumbed. TheMajor promised that as soon as we heard further from Peter he wouldendeavour to lend him a helping hand. My mother was very anxious that heshould demand a promise from Peter, never, under any circumstances, to goaloft, but on the Major suggesting that this might interfere with hisprospects of promotion, she unwillingly submitted, begging the Major,however, to entreat him, for her sake, to keep downstairs as much aspossible, which the Major promised to do.

A few days later, I returned to Dumpton College. The recollection of myconjuring entertainment had by no means died out, and a good many of theboys had been investing all their spare pocket-money, during the holidays,in magical apparatus. As, however, as a rule, they had never troubledthemselves to acquire the first principles of the art, they did not produce anyvery startling effects with their purchases; and such of them as were notconfiscated during the first month or so for irregular exhibition duringschool-hours were soon in the market, to be disposed of at a tremendoussacrifice. There was a popular movement in favour of my giving anotherentertainment at the earliest possible date, but this was negatived by theDoctor, who was of opinion that such excitements, too frequently repeated,had a tendency to take the attention of the boys from their proper work. He,therefore, caused it to be understood that no licence would be given foranother entertainment until the following Christmas. I dare say he was quiteright, but his decision, for the time, caused our estimate of his intellectualfaculties, never unduly high, to be even lower than usual. However, therewas no help for it; we were compelled to acquiesce in his decision, and myperformances were limited, as before, to the occasional exhibition of a trickor two to a select audience of half-a-dozen. I still, however, practiseddiligently, being determined that my next entertainment, when it did comeoff, should be a much more striking affair than its predecessor. Whether itwould have been so is an open question, for, so far as Dumpton Collegewas concerned, it was destined never to take place.

I returned home at Midsummer with a couple of prizes, one for French, andanother for arithmetic, in which I had made great progress of late. I waspretty fair at history and geography, and had a smattering of German; but ofmy Greek and Latin the less said the better. I was tolerably quick at pickingup a spoken language, but had not the patience for rummaging among the

Chapter IX


bones of dead ones. We had just finished tea on the evening of my returnhome, and I was giving my mother the latest fashionable intelligence fromschool, when Uncle Bumpus came in, his hair brushed up more fiercelythan ever.

"Well, Master Dick," he said, after the first greetings had been exchanged,"so you've come home from school with a pretty good character, hey?"

"I hope so," I said.

"Been getting prizes for parley-vooing and arithmetic, hey?"

"Yes, Uncle Bumpus."

"Mind you stick to the 'rithmetic, never mind the parleyvooing. I never didany parley-vooing, and look at me! But 'rithmetic, that's your sort. That'swhat folks make money by. But you must have it at the tips of your fingers.None of your dot-and-carry-one business. I wonder if you could tell menow, what three dozen neckties at four and a half come to?"

"Thirteen and six," I replied, with a smile at the simplicity of the question.

"And same number of pocket handkerchiefs at one, four, and a-half?"

"Two pounds, nine shillings, and sixpence."

"Good lad! And seventeen yards of ribbon, at elevenpencehalfpenny?"

"Sixteen and threepence-halfpenny."

"Very good. And ten and three-quarters of cashmere, now, at four andnine?"

I had to think a minute or two for this. "Two pounds, eleven, and threefarthings."

"Very good, very good indeed! I didn't think the boy had so much in him.He deserves to be encouraged; he does, indeed, Maria."

My mother looked pleased, and said she was glad that I should havedeserved his good opinion. He looked fixedly at me for a minute or two,with his hands in his breeches' pockets, and I began to anticipate ahandsome tip for the holidays, and to wonder how much it would be. But hetook his hands out again without the expected coin, and stuck them in thearmholes of his waistcoat.

"Yes," he said again, "he deserves encouragement, and he shall have it. Igave that ungrateful Peter the chance, but he hadn't the sense to make use ofit. I'll tell you what I'll do for him, Maria. I'll take him into the shop, and hecan begin to-morrow. He must do his best to learn the business, and makehimself useful as he can, and, perhaps, in a year or two, if he gives

Chapter IX


satisfaction, I may pay him a trifle of salary."

Young people, beware of vanity. I had rashly been tempted into showingoff my arithmetical capabilities, but this was an awful retribution. To betaken into Uncle Bumpus' shop, the establishment which poor Peter couldn'ttolerate even for a week, and the very first day of the holidays too! Even theprospect of the trifle of salary in a year or two failed to reconcile me to theprospect.

"Oh! Uncle Bumpus, not to-morrow," I said. "Why, it's only the beginningof the holidays." My mother came to my assistance upon this point.

"To-morrow would be rather soon, I think. Of course, I am immenselyobliged to you, Uncle Bumpus, and so is Dick" (I hope she was forgiven),"but I think we must let him have a little holiday first."

"Holiday!" grunted Uncle Bumpus. "What do people want with holidays, Ishould like to know. I never take any holidays, and look at me! You'd muchbetter let him come at once."

For a wonder, however, my mother remained firm on this point. She wasdetermined that I should have the same length of holidays as if I had beengoing back to school. When that time was fully expired I was to be handedover to Uncle Bumpus.

For the remainder of those holidays I was a sadder and a wiser boy. Neveragain, I resolved, should youthful vanity tempt me to display myacquirements, but the deed was done. It was of little avail to lock myeducational stable after the steed was gone. The Major sympathised withme, I knew, but his consolations were mostly of the grin-and-bear-it order,which being the case I would nearly as soon have been without them.Jemima's sympathy was very hearty, but scarcely more practical, taking theform of wishing that she had "that there old Bumpus" in her copper with thelid on, and similar pious but impracticable aspirations. Her greatest resourceabout this time was the knife-machine. The energy which she turned thehandle was positively terrific, and only to be accounted for upon thesupposition that she was at such times, in imagination, polishing off UncleBumpus. But for the moral safety-valve afforded by that valuable inventionI should have trembled for her intellect.

I should here mention that we had heard occasionally from Peter. He wasnot yet a captain, but the Major's influence had procured him a rather betterposition than that of cabin-boy, in which he had originally started. It wasevidently a very rough life, but Peter seemed to take pretty kindly to it, andby no means to repent having given up his brilliant prospects at UncleBumpus' establishment. To my mother's great relief he had not as yet senthome any monkeys or other wild animals, and she began, I think, to hopethat this might possibly be avoided.

Chapter IX



Chapter IX




CHAPTER X.The Last of my Reprieve--The Modern Cagliostro--An Unexpected

Opening--Testing my Capabilities--Assistant to a Conjurer.

TIME ran on, after its usual habit, and the last week of my holidaysarrived. Seven short days more, and I must surrender my cherished liberty,and take my post, like a new Simeon Stylites, on the dreaded stool in myuncle's counting-house. How I envied Peter! I did not desire to follow hisexample exactly, for I had no special liking for the sea, but I fancied eventhat would be more tolerable than a life-long captivity in that horrible shop.So matters went on, and I counted the days to what, in my own mind, Itermed my penal servitude. With the greater knowledge (and I hope, bettersense) I now possess, I am inclined to think that it would have been a verytolerable captivity, not at all worse than the conditions under whichninety-nine out of a hundred have to earn their daily bread, but I was, inplain language, a young fool who did not know what was good for me, andI was in the mood to welcome any alternative that gave me a chance ofescape.

I was in this state of mind when, two evenings before my purgatory was tocommence, I saw advertised the performances of a conjurer, ProfessorVictor Vosper, described as "the modern Cagliostro," at a hall at Islington.On the principle of the condemned criminal, who is allowed a few littleextra indulgences at the last meal he takes before his execution, Idetermined to give myself a final treat, and went to the entertainment. Themodern Cagliostro was a very good specimen of the craft, with a bright andpleasant manner, and a very neat and finished method of performing histricks. I enjoyed myself more than I should have thought possible under thecircumstances, but the item that interested me most was a casual remarkmade by the Professor, in apologising for some slight change in theprogramme, that he had recently lost his assistant, and had not been yet ableto replace him. A sudden thought flashed across me. What if I were to applyfor the vacant post? If the Professor would accept me, I should not onlyescape from the hated drudgery of Uncle Bumpus' establishment, but beearning my bread and gaining fresh knowledge in the occupation which, ofall others, I considered the most delightful. The prospect was too good, I

Chapter X


feared, to come true. I felt so excited that I scarcely saw the rest of theentertainment. I had a dim idea of a sylph-like being in gauzy costume(described in the programme as the Fairy Violante) being led on by theProfessor and made to float in air in exquisite attitudes, and without (as thepolice reports say) "any visible means of support," but I seemed to see it allas in a dream. The momentous question, "Will Professor Vosper accept meas his assistant?" overpowered all other reflections. I determined to put thematter to the test without delay, and as soon as the performance was overasked the doorkeeper if I could say a word to the Professor. I found him inhis shirt-sleeves in a sort of cupboard behind the scenes, beside which,candour compels me to admit, Uncle Bumpus' counting-house was light andairy, but to me it seemed the vestibule of fairyland. The Professor made mea polite bow.

"You must excuse my receiving you here, sir, but we are rather limited forspace. You wish to take a few lessons, I suppose?"

"Not exactly that," I replied, "but I heard you mention in the course of yourperformance this evening that you were in need of an assistant. Do youthink I should do for the place?"

"I'm afraid not", he said, looking me over with a quick glance; "you mightdo for the place right enough, but the place wouldn't do for you."

"Why not?" I said, rather crestfallen.

"Because it isn't the sort of thing you're accustomed to. No one need looktwice at you to see that. It isn't only the stage business and selling theprogrammes, mind you; that's the gentlemanly part of the work, but there'sa lot of rough work as well. How would you like to put on an apron and apair of calico sleeves, and sweep the hall and dust the chairs every morning.That's got to be done, you know-and the assistant has to lend a hand in it."

I winced a little at this prospect, but after all, I thought, I couldn't be surethat I mightn't have to do the same thing at Uncle Bumpus', so I spoke upboldly. "If it's part of the regular work, of course I should be prepared to doit."

"And when that's done," the Professor continued, "there are the preparationsfor the evening's entertainment. Not hard work, but a lot of niggling littlethings. Cleaning up apparatus from the last night's show, and putting thingsready for another."

"Just the sort of thing I should like."

"Ah, that's what beginners always fancy. I thought so myself once. But waittill you've done the preparations for the same tricks a couple of hundredtimes or so, and you wouldn't be quite so fond of it."

Chapter X


"I think I should. I have such a love for conjuring that nothing in relation toit ever seems hard work to me. I practised a good bit at odd times, and Ihave had no help what-ever, which made it harder."

"Let's see you palm a coin," said the Professor, taking crown from hispocket, and handing it to me.

I executed one or two simple passes. "Now the French drop," said theProfessor. I looked at him inquiringly. "Perhaps you don't know it by thatname. Some call it the tourniquet, which is the French name for it. Youdon't happen to know French, I suppose?"

"I have never had much practice in speaking it, but I can translate it prettywell," I said; "I took a French prize last half at school.

"Ah?" The Professor looked more interested. "Let's hear you give theEnglish of this, now?" The book he offered me was a little paper-coveredaffair, called the Almanach Manuel du Magicien des Salons. He opened ithaphazard, and took a page at random. I translated a dozen lines or sowithout much difficulty, and he nodded approvingly. "Yes, that's about it.Can you make the pass?"

I took up a pack of Cards which was lying before him, and made therequired movement. He nodded again: "It's rough, but you've got themovement, after a fashion. You have never had any lessons, you say?"

"Never in my life."

"Can you face a room full of people without feeling nervous?"

"I have not had much opportunity of knowing. But I have given a show atschool before a couple of hundred boys."

"That's a pretty fair test. You'll make a conjurer some day, if you stick to it;you've got it in you. All you want is practice, and a little good teaching. Butif you were ever so good at it it wouldn't be much use to you here. I do theconjuring, and the assistant has to hold his tongue and look pleasant. That'sabout his share of the show."

"So I suppose. But I should like to learn what I could, notwithstanding.

"And about money, now? Conjuring isn't a trade you must expect to makemuch money at. The most I could give you would be a pound a week, andfind yourself. It isn't what you've been accustomed to, I dare say, but that'sthe best I could do for you."

"I don't mind the amount," I said, "if I can manage to live on it. But I'mafraid I should be rather bothered as to finding myself. I've always lived athome or at school until now."

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"Well, then, I'll tell you what I'll do for you. I like your looks, or I shouldn'tmake the offer. I'll give you five shillings a week for clothes andpocket-money, and you shall live with us. We don't live like fighting-cocksexactly, but we never run short of good wholesome victuals, and what wehave, you shall have. Will that suit you?"

"Capitally," I said, "and I'll do my best to give you satisfaction."

"I don't know," he continued, stroking his chin thoughtfully; "I'm almostafraid you're too much of a gentleman for the berth. However, that cuts bothways. One other thing, by the way; how about parents and guardians? I'mnot going to get into any bother, mind; so if there's any fear of anything ofthat sort, please say so, and we'll cry off at once."

I explained frankly to him my exact position. That my mother could notafford to keep me at home, and that the alternative to his engaging me wasmy becoming cashier at nothing a-year in Uncle Bumpus' counting-house. Itold him that Peter had run away to sea to avoid the same fate, and that noeffort had been made to recall him.

He looked at me thoughtfully for a little while. "I think I may venture torisk it," he said at last. "I wouldn't let you chuck up anything better to cometo me, but, 'pon my word, you don't seem to stand to lose much. So if you'rewilling, I'm willing, and there's an end of it. When can you begin?"

"The day after to-morrow," I said, that being the evening on which I was tohave gone to Uncle Bumpus. I had already been turning the matter over inmy mind, and it had struck me that the easiest way to make my flittingwithout detection would be to start as if actually going to Uncle Bumpus',and when half-way there to turn aside, and go to the Professor's residence,which for the time being was in a small street in Islington, not far from thehall where he was performing.

"We sha'n't stay very long in London," he remarked. "I shall be starting in aweek or two for my autumn tour in the provinces; meanwhile, you'll be safeenough, unless by some unlucky chance some of your friends happened tocome to one of my performances. But it's no good bothering about that.Time enough to meet trouble when it comes."


Chapter X




CHAPTER XI.My Flight--A Wizard at Home--The Professor and his Family--Madame

Linda and the Duchess--My New Quarters--A Big Box and a SmallBedroom--The Difficulty Solved.

I MADE my escape to the Professor's without difficulty. My belongingshad been carefully packed by my mother and Jemima, and my trunk wasloaded on to a four-wheeled cab, which was directed to drive to theTottenham Court Road. Before I reached Uncle Bumpus', however, Istopped the man, and made him pull up at a stationer's, where I made sometrifling purchase, and then instructed him to drive to Ledbury Street. TheMajor had given me a sovereign at parting, and my mother had treated meto a couple of complete new suits of clothes, and had given me two brighthalf-crowns in addition to my cab fare, so that I was comparatively wealthy.I reached Ledbury Street between nine and ten in the evening. TheProfessor was away at his entertainment, and the household wasrepresented by a small maid-of-all-work, who appeared to expect me. Shegreeted me with the following message, delivered all in a breath :-"O yesplease sir master's compliments and would you put your portmantle in the'all and take a seat in the front-parlour till he come back which it won't bemuch after arf-past ten." After which she panted violently, and no wonder.My luggage having been deposited in the passage, I walked into the parlouras requested. The maid turned up a paraffin lamp which was on the table,and which had taken advantage of being left alone to smoke abominably,and left me to my own devices. I began with some interest to examine mywizard's cave, but found little to indicate its magical occupation. The roomwas very plainly furnished, containing a horsehair sofa, half-a-dozen chairsto match, and a loo table covered with a woollen cloth. The mantelpiecewas adorned with a gilt clock under a glass shade-not going-and a pair ofalabaster vases, also under glass shades, but scarcely worthy of the dignity,unless by reason of age, for they were in the last stage of decrepitude. AnInfant Samuel and a Moses in the Bulrushes, in china, completed the list ofchimney ornaments. A lithograph of the first Napoleon, oddly paired by oneof the Duke of Wellington, and a couple of views of nowhere in particular,with a good deal of sky, in oil, adorned the walls. There was a photographof the Professor, taken in evening dress, and with so much shirt-front as to

Chapter XI


give one the impression at first sight that his latest feat had been to "vanish"his own waistcoat. The identical wand which he held in his hand in thephotograph-an ebony rod with an ivory death's head on one end of it-stoodbeside the looking-glass. There was a pack of cards on the mantelpiece anda suggestive-looking black box under the sofa, but beyond these items therewas nothing to indicate that the room was the dwelling of a magician. I felta little disappointed. I really don't know what I had expected, but it seemedto me that the abode of a really conscientious conjurer ought surely to bemore characteristic than this.

The general aspect of the room was not very unlike Aunt Priscilla's, and theassociation was depressing. To kill time I took up a scrap-book that lay onthe table, and found it to consist of notices, cut from various newspapers, ofthe Professor's performances. They were mostly provincial, and all of anextravagantly eulogistic description. This may have arisen from the fact thatthe Professor did not preserve any of the opposite character, but, be that asit might, I found them very pleasant reading, and was quite prepared tobelieve that, as the papers said, there never was such a remarkable Professoras the Professor with whom I had the honour to be associated.

The perusal of the cuttings kept me pretty fully employed until half-pastten, when a latch-key was heard in the street-door, and the Professorentered, accompanied by his family. They consisted of his wife, a little ladynot especially good-looking, but with very pleasant features; her mamma, astout, motherly woman, with her hair dressed in the good old railway-bufferstyle; and the Professor's daughter, a young lady of twelve. I had alreadyseen this young lady on the stage, as Lucilla, the "child Clairvoyante," inwhich character she had exhibited extraordinary powers of divination, andhad astonished a stout old gentleman nearly into an apoplectic fit byrevealing the number of his Civil Service Ticket. In private life I found thename of Lucilla was shortened by some peculiar process into Lily, and theProfessor, though according to the bills his Christian name was Victor,answered in the bosom of his family to the humbler name of Jim.

"Ah, Mr. Hazard," he said, "so you haven't changed your mind. Well,barring old Gimp, the money-taker, here you see the whole strength of thecompany. We all have a finger in the pie. Here's the missis, who does themusic and the "suspension" department. Lily you have seen in the'second-sight' business; and Mrs. Carrick, better known as the 'Duchess'(not a bad sort, though she is my mother-in-law), is prompter, scene-shifter,bellows-blower, and general utility. Upon my word, I believe, if I didn'tcome up to time, she'd give the show herself."

"Jack of all trades and master of none, eh, Jim?" said the old lady, with agood-natured smile. "Jim will have his joke, Mr. Hazard; you mustn't takeany notice of what he says."

Chapter XI


"Heyday!" said the Professor; "that's a pretty sort of thing to tell one's newassistant; a good look-out for the maintenance of discipline on thequarter-deck. If you go on like that, Duchess, 'pon my word, you shall givethe show yourself. But we can talk over our supper. I hope it's ready. Iknow I am."

"I should say so, by the smell of it," said Mrs. Vosper, answering, Ipresume, the first part of the observation. And truly a fragrant odour ofonions-plebeian but delicious-had for the last half-hour been pervading thehouse.

"I know what it is," said Lily, "It's tripe!"

"By a faculty of divination peculiar to herself, this gifted child will discoverand describe the most out-of-the-way articles," said the Professor, puttingon his stage manner, and quoting from his entertainment.

"Really, Jim, mother is right," said his wife. "I never knew such a man fortalking nonsense. Come along, do, into the next room and have your supper.We're plain folks, Mr. Hazard, and our ways may'nt be quite what you'vebeen accustomed to, but we're hearty, and if so be you can make yourself athome with us, we'll do our best to make you comfortable."

"Thank you, ma'am, never fear. I'm quite sure I shall be comfortable," Ireplied, heartily; for her bright smile and kindly manner, and the general airof good-fellowship that prevailed throughout the family would have placedeven a more bashful youth than myself at his ease. We moved into theadjoining room, where a cloth was laid, and were speedily seated round thetable, discussing a dish of the commodity indicated by the clairvoyantfaculties of Miss Lucilla, washed down by some capital porter. I neverenjoyed a meal more thoroughly. When it was over, the Professor said, ashe lighted a long clay pipe :-

"Supper's the best meal of the day with us show-folk, Mr. Hazard. Atdinner-time we've all our troubles before us-like the young bears. But whenthe show's over, and the lights are out, then our time's our own, and webegin to enjoy ourselves. Don't we, Duchess?"

"Yes, all pro's* (*Short for "professionals.") likes their supper," said the oldlady, who was now sipping a glass of gin-and water, "and a drop o'something warm after it. Won't you take a drop, Mr. Hazard?"

"Thank you, I never touch spirits," I said.

"That's right," said Mrs. Vosper, "and I hope you never will. No, Jim, I'msaying no harm, and I mean to have my say. Mr. Hazard, if I had a son, myprayer, morning, noon, and night, would be that he should never touchspirits. A young man's not bound to be a teetotaller exactly. A glass ofwholesome beer won't hurt anybody. I like my glass of beer myself; but if

Chapter XI


you wish to be a good and happy man, keep clear of spirits."

"Hold hard, old lady," said the Professor good humouredly. "It don't strikeyou perhaps, that your little oration is rather rough on me and the Duchess.Mr. Hazard will think we're regular lushingtons."

"Not that, thank God," said his wife, "I was'nt speaking for you or mother;you're old enough to please yourselves. But when a young man is justbeginning life, as Mr. Hazard is, he can't keep too clear of temptation."

"Thank you, Mrs. Vosper," I said, though a little surprised at her emphaticmanner; "I believe you're quite right, and I mean to stick to my beer."

"The missis is right enough, Hazard. By all means keep clear of spirits aslong as you possibly can. But show-life takes it out of one a good deal, andwhen you come to my age, you'll be glad enough, I expect, to take a drop ofwhiskey-and-water now and then, as I do. Eh, Duchess?"

"I must say I like my little drop at bedtime," said the old lady. "It don'tmuch matter what it is; just little and good, as the sayin' is."

"Show-life is uncommonly wearing, Hazard, as you'll find when you'veseen more of it, and we are show-folk to the backbone, aint we, Duchess?"

"That's so. Born and bred in the sawdust, I was," said the old lady, "and sowas Linda there."

"Circus," said the Professor, explanatorily, seeing that I looked puzzled."You wouldn't think it perhaps, Mr. Hazard, but the Duchess was acelebrated tight-rope performer in her day. And the missis here used to beas pretty and as daring a circus-rider as ever jumped through a hoop. Ibelieve she could do it now. Eh, Linda-Houp la!"

"I shouldn't care to try" said Mrs. Vosper, laughing. "I expect I should comean awful cropper. But I used to be pretty good at it till I got old andnervous."

"Old and nervous! Get along with you," said her husband. "The FairyViolante: the best and prettiest suspension performer on the boards! Oldand nervous! Come, old lady, you're fishing for compliments!"

The last sentence was a revelation to me. I had been wondering all theevening where I could have seen Mrs. Vosper, whose features seemedsomehow familiar and yet unfamiliar to me. At last the mystery was solved.The Fairy Violante, the sylph-like being in pink gauze and fleshings, wasMrs. Vosper! But still I was puzzled. The Fairy Violante had long fair hair,and looked at most sixteen or seventeen, while Mrs. Vosper's hair was dark,and her age must certainly have been three or four and thirty.

"You, ma'am, the Fairy Violante!" I exclaimed in astonishment.

Chapter XI


"You did'nt recognise me?" said Mrs. Vosper. "Very few people do, Ibelieve. A fair wig and a good make-up make all the difference. Mother is acapital dresser."

"So I ought to be," said the old lady. "I've had plenty of practice, and I thinkI can do as much with the grease-paints as here and there one. I should liketo make up Mr. Hazard for Charles Surface or for Romeo. He'd make acapital Romeo."

"To your Juliet, eh, Duchess?" said the Professor :-

"'O that I were a glove upon that hand,That I might touch that cheek!'"

"'That hand' will be making acquaintance with your cheek, if you don'tmind, Jim," retorted the old lady, but by no means angrily. "Linda do makeup well in Violante, though, don't she, Mr. Hazard?"

"You have astonished me so that I have not got over it yet. I am quite surethe Violante I saw was not more than sixteen or seventeen at most."

"And I am?" said Mrs. Vosper, with a smile. "That's very ungallant of you,Mr. Hazard."

"The old lady owns to 'more than seven,' Hazard, and that's as far as she'llgo. However, a woman is just as old as she looks, they say, so we'll putViolante down at sixteen. I'll tell you how we work the oracle. Perhaps youmay have noticed a morose-looking person"-

"Jim, you'll catch it," interposed his wife.

"Who played the piano till the beginning of the second part, and thenretired. That was Mrs. Vosper-Madame Linda in the bills. As MadameLinda she is dressed in black, with her hair brushed down pretty flat, so asto look a hundred and fifty or so. As soon as she's done her little bit at thepiano, off she goes, looking as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, andonce behind, she whips into her dressing-room, slips off the black velvetgown, and on with the fancy costume and the fake for the trick-she isdressed underneath for it all ready beforehand-the Duchess makes up herface and puts the fair wig on her, and-Houp la! there you are. Enter theFairy Violante, before you can say Jack Robinson; and even those in thefront row never suspect that the plain-looking party at the piano" ("Jim, Ishall bite you," interjected his wife)" is the same person as the young ladyof fifteen or thereabouts, who trips on the stage so airily and goes to sleepon nothing in such an elegant manner. But so it is, sir, and that's how it'sdone! You'll see the whole fakement to-morrow night. Linda, my dear, it is'the very witching hour of twelve,' and something over, and that child isyawning her eyes out.

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'It's high time,' he said,'For all elderly devils to be in their bed,'

and middle-aged devils, and young devils too, I'm thinking. Come, Lily,child, say good-night; and I'll give you a hand with your trunk, Mr. Hazard,up to your room. It isn't quite as large as the Regent's Park, but it's the bestwe can do for you."

Lily departed, looking very sleepy. I said good-night to the rest of thecompany, and assisted by the Professor, lugged my trunk up to a littleback-room on the third-floor, which was to be my resting-place. It certainlywas not large. It contained a small stump-bedstead, a wash-hand stand, achest of drawers, and a single chair. There was a vacant space of about fourfeet square in the centre. The arrangement of the furniture had been plannedwith great judgment, for the ceiling sloped in so many directions that theopen space in question was the only part of the room in which I couldpossibly stand upright.

"It is a little cramped," said the Professor, as we flopped down my trunk,which was rather a large one, into this open space. After which he sat downon the chair, and mopped his forehead.

"I shall have to fancy I'm at sea. I should have still closer quarters then."

"Right," said the Professor. "A very good idea. Fancy you're at sea. Thingsmight be worse, after all; for you needn't fancy the motion of the vessel."

"Yes, that's a blessing. But about this box. It can't stay where it is, ofcourse."

"You couldn't have it cut down a foot or so, so as to go under the bed, couldyou? Nobody can want a box of that size, you know. What a fellow youmust be for cuffs and collars! If I'd known you were going to bring such aNoah's Ark as that, I'd have thrown out a bay-window, or built a wing, orsomething, but there really isn't a room in the house that'll take it withcomfort, and I'm none too sure about the foundations. 'Pon my honour Idon't know what we can do with it, unless we put the wash-hand stand outon the landing, and you wouldn't like that, I suppose?"

"No, I'm afraid I shouldn't. I like a wash once in a way, and the landingwould be rather public. But I'll tell you what we might do. We might put thebox itself out on the landing."

"A most excellent thought," said the Professor. "O wise young judge! Avery Daniel come to judgment.' We will! We will place it on the landing. Iknow there's one drawer of that chest, if not more, that opens, and in thatyou can put your neckties and things. 'Monster, begone!'" We placed thetrunk on the landing accordingly, and the Professor, wishing megood-night, retired to bed.

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CHAPTER XII.Reconnoitring the Premises--Lily and her Dog Tip--The "Second. Sight"

Trick--Beginning Work--Gimp the Money-Taker--The Professor'sProgramme--Opinions of the Press--Behind the Scenes-Learning my

Business.

I WAS awake betimes the next morning, and forgetting for the moment thearchitectural peculiarities of my apartment, bumped my head severelyagainst the ceiling in getting out of bed. I found, however, that this could beavoided by the use of extra caution, and that after a little practice I shouldprobably be able to get in and out without danger.

My first act, after I had got over the unpleasantness of my sudden contactwith the ceiling, was to look out of the window. This sounds simpleenough, but in my case it was a serious and complicated proceeding. Thewindow was a dormer, and the chest of drawers stood in the recess, andserved the purpose of a toilet-table. There was no room to move the drawersaway from the window, and I had therefore to clamber on the top of them.My next operation was to draw up the blind, which was on the oldfashioned "aggravator" principle, worked by a pulley-rack and endless cordat side. When down it looked all that could be desired, but when Iendeavoured to draw it up it insisted, from some organic defect in itscomposition, on running up askew, and after a few turns of the roller gotjammed, and would not go up at all. I compromised the matter by drawingit down again and pinning it up corner-ways, so as to get a three-corneredspace of window clear. I cannot say that the view rewarded my exertions,inasmuch as it consisted exclusively of chimney-pots and red tiles. But Ifelt that I had conquered. Moreover, I was now able to open the window,which was a great relief, for the sun was streaming in, and the atmosphereof my castle was getting unpleasantly warm. From my vantage-ground onthe chest of drawers I looked around and took a bird's eye view of myterritory. It was undeniably small; in point of fact it was the smallestapartment, for the habitation of a grown person, that I had ever seen in mylife, but there was consolation in the fact that I had it to myself. At UncleBumpus' I should have had to share a room with three or four moreapprentices-an arrangement to which I had a great objection. Further, my

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new domain was scrupulously clean, and I made up my mind that when Ihad got a little more accustomed to its architectural eccentricities I couldmake myself very comfortable in it.

Having completed my toilet, which did not take me long, for shaving didnot trouble me at that period, I went downstairs. I found the table laid forbreakfast in the room where we had supped the previous evening, butnobody was downstairs, save Miss Lily, who introduced me to her dog Tip,a halfbred pug of highly intelligent aspect, who, on his mistress'recommendation, at once took me into favour, and testified his regard byjumping up on my lap, wagging his tail in my face, and leaving nearlyenough hair on my garments to make a coat for another dog. His name ofTip was "short" for Tippee Sahib, an elegant cognomen, but found a littletoo elaborate for every-day use. I cannot say that he was a good house-dog,for he had a curious habit of only barking at his friends, whom heinvariably greeted with volleys of canine fireworks, but strangers he treatedwith silent contempt, and I am satisfied that burglars might have walked offwith the whole of the family possessions without his uttering a sound ofremonstrance. In society, however, he was a highly emotional dog, andwhen excited wagged, not only his tail, but his whole body, as if he hadbeen bitten by a tarantula spider and was compelled to dance himself intocalmness again. I never, saw a more intelligent dog, or one with a keenersense of humour. If the family were tickled by a joke-and the Professor'shigh spirits made such occasions numerous-Tip shook his sides with thebest of us, and the manner in which he would dance round a hidden biscuit,and pretend, twinkling the while all over with fun, not to know where itwas, till the least feint to take it away brought him down with a swoop uponit, was a perfect study in dogsology.

I gained Lily's heart at once by teaching him a new trick, which I had seenperformed by a dog at a circus: namely, to lie down, shamming dead, but atthe words, "Policeman coming," to jump up and run as if in terror. I neverhad an apter pupil; Tip understood instantly what was required of him, andentered into the joke like the most accomplished actor. The look of alarmwith which he got up and sneaked away when the awakening formula waspronounced was admirable.

"Isn't he a delicious dog?" said Lily, after he had repeated the feat somehalf-dozen times.

"He certainly is;" I replied, "a most remarkable dog. But anyone could seeat once that he was not a common dog by the way his hair comes off."

"Doesn't the hair come off common dogs, then?" Lily asked.

"No doubt it does, but not to such a magnificent extent. At the rate Tip'shair comes off, if he were a common dog there wouldn't be a bit of him leftin a week."

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"Do you really mean it?" the child asked with the utmost gravity. "No; youare making fun of me, and I won't have it. You had better take care, or Tipshall bite you."

"I hope he won't; I'm sure I should disagree with him. I really do think hima very clever dog, and I think it's only proper that such a clever dog shouldbelong to a conjurer."

"But Tip doesn't belong to a conjurer. He's not papa's dog. He belongs tome, my very own self. Uncle Harry gave him to me. Didn't he, my dear olddoggie?" Tip responded, with his tail, in the affirmative.

"Well, but you are half a conjurer, you know ;-or shall we say aconjuress?-or you couldn't do that wonderful clairvoyance trick. You arevery fond of conjuring, I suppose?"

"Fond of it! I hate it."

"Hate it? Hate conjuring!-Why, I think it's the most delightful thing in theworld."

"Perhaps you haven't seen as much of it as I have. Oh! that horridsecond-sight! It's all very nice when you're on the platform blindfolded, andhear the people clapping, though it's hard work enough even then-but thereal hard work is learning the Code. You know how the trick's done, Isuppose?"

"Not exactly; but I imagine the question tells you in some way the answer."

"Yes, that's right-that's what we call the Code. If papa begins the questionwith ' Come,' I know the thing belongs to a certain list, and the next wordtells me which of that list it is; then there are lots of little short sentencesthat all have a meaning. Pa will explain it to you some day, I dare say, but ittakes a dreadful time to learn. I began it when I was ten years old, and pawouldn't let me try it in public till I had been at it for a year and a half, andeven then I used often to make mistakes at first. Once, I remember, I said agentleman's card was a pawnticket, and, the gentleman didn't like it, andpoor papa was quite put out. Sometimes, too, you get all sorts of funnythings handed up that are not in the Code, and then it is dreadfully difficult.One night, a gentleman handed up a glass eye, and another time there was abone, like the niggers rattle about in their hands, and once a boy brought alive mouse; but I don't often get puzzled now. Almost every week pa thinksof something or other to make the Code still more complete, and then wepractise till I've got it right."

"But you like the other tricks, don't you?"

"I used to, at first, but I've seen them so many times that I don't care forthem now; and very often I feel so sleepy before the entertainment is over

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that I would give anything to be in bed, and papa and mamma aresometimes nearly as tired as I am. I often wish papa kept a grocer's shop,like Uncle Harry. I think it would be ever so much nicer."

The little lady's confidences set me thinking. There was a seamy side, then,even to the delights of conjuring. However, I had no time to pursue myreflections, for they were interrupted by the appearance of the Professor. Ihad hitherto only seen him attired in evening dress, in which he made avery gentlemanly appearance. He was a decidedly good-looking man, aboutforty years of age, with curly hair, a round, jovial face, grey eyes lighted upby a lurking spirit of fun, and a well-shaped, mobile mouth. He wore nomoustache and but little whisker. He was small of stature, inclined to bestout, but remarkably quick and active. He was now arrayed in a roughtweed suit, with a soft felt hat, of the brigand-cum-butterman order, wornvery much on one side, and compared with his stage appearance, lookedlike his own butler, off duty.

We sat down to breakfast, which did not take very long, and when the mealwas finished, he said, "Now then, Hazard, put on the worst coat youpossess, and we'll go round to the hall."

Accordingly we departed, accompanied by Mrs. Carrick, who had donnedan old black alpaca gown scarcely befitting her ducal rank. I rememberthinking that the public would be rather staggered to see the ModernCagliostro, with his mother-in-law and assistant, in such commonplacegarb, but if they were staggered they didn't show it, and we reached the hallwithout having, to all appearance, been recognised by anyone. The hall,which had looked smart enough when lighted up at night, by day wore apainfully shabby and woe-begone appearance; indeed, it was difficult torealise that it was the same place. It was a gloomy, half-lighted building,adapted to contain from three to four hundred spectators. An old man in agreen baize apron and a sealskin cap was sweeping under and between theseats, throwing down occasionally a handful of damp sawdust to lay thedust, and accompanying his work with a hissing noise, as if rubbing down ahorse. He was a very small man, with features so hard and shiny that theymight have been carved out of lignum vitae; short, scanty, grey hair; thin,sunken lips; dark, keen eyes, which he screwed up as though the sun wasshining in his face, and a pair of spectacles with almost enough iron in theirframes for the hilt of a Highlander's claymore, worn very much askew. Hehad a way of holding his head on one side which reminded me of a tamejackdaw which I once possessed, and which came to an untimely end bypursuing a black-beetle under the kitchen boiler and missing his way outagain.

"Well, Gimp, how goes it?" said the Professor, as we entered.

"Mornin', governor," said the old man, touching his forehead

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with a dirty forefinger, but without suspending his occupation. "This is ournew assistant, Gimp."

"Ah," said Gimp, folding his hands on the top of his broom, and resting hischin upon them, while he examined me at his leisure. Apparently the resultof his inspection was satisfactory, for he continued, half to himself, half tohis master :- "Now he do look to have all his buttons, he do."

"You can teach him a thing or two, can't you, Gimp?"

"I reckon I can, if he's got any sort of head on his shoulders. But as for thatthere last assistant, Tuppy, I never see such a animal; you might have biledhim without biling any sense into him."

It struck me that such might not improbably be my own case, but Mr. Gimpevidently had faith in the process, for he repeated with the greatestseriousness, "Ah, biled him! And what might your name be, sir?"

"Dick Hazard," I replied with some confidence, for I felt that mycognomen, at any rate, compared favourably with Tuppy.

"Hazard," repeated the old man, with his head more than ever on one side."It ain't a bad sort o' name, and I don't see why he shouldn't answer,governor. But that there Tuppy!" (harking back to the old grievance) "youmight as well try to teach a donkey the polka."

And therewith the old gentleman resumed the hissing noise, and went towork again at his sweeping with renewed vigour.

"Gimp's a character," remarked the Professor, aside to me; "it don't take anyone long to see that. But he's the right sort, and takes as much pride in theshow as if it was his own. He knows a good deal of the business, besidesbeing a very fair mechanic, and if you keep on the right side of him yourwork will come all the easier."

"He seems a keen old fellow."

"Keen! He's as sharp as a needle. In his youth he was a super at Drury Lane,and though, as you can see, he is a man of little or no education, he'll spinyou off whole scenes of Shakespeare with scarcely a mistake. However, wemust get to work. You had better lend a hand to Mrs. Carrick to begin with.Gimp does the sweeping, and you and she do the dusting. When you'vedone come to me, and I'll give you a notion of the stage arrangements.Gimp will find you a duster."

The Duchess was already at work. She had pulled her dress through thepocket-holes in the most unassuming manner, and was now hard at workwhere Gimp had swept, dusting the backs and cushions of the seats withgreat energy. This was hardly what I had expected when I decided toembrace conjuring as a profession, but obviously it had to be done by

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somebody, so I set to work with a will, and was presently gratified byhearing Gimp say in an undertone to Mrs. Carrick, with a nod towards me :-

"He'll do. Ain't afraid of dirtyin' his hands, he ain't." Judged by thisstandard, Gimp himself must have been a treasure.

"New brooms sweep clean," replied the old lady in the same tone. "But Ithink he'll do, too." And I dusted away more vigorously than ever, with thereflection that the sooner I finished, the sooner I should get to the Professorand the magical portion of the preparations.

The sweeping and dusting of the hall took three-quarters of an hour, afterwhich the Duchess put her dress back through the pocket-holes, anddismissed me.

"What! done so soon?" said the Professor, as I made my way to theplatform, very warm, and nearly as dusty as Gimp himself. "You'll makework scarce at that rate, and Gimp'll have to retire from business. Well,now, to give you a little insight into the platform part of the work. First runyour eye over that programme."

I took up the printed programme, which, omitting dates, &c., ran as follows:-

MAGIC AND MYSTERY.

---

TRANSPOSITIONS! TRANSMUTATIONS!!

TRANSMOGRIFICATIONS!!!

BY PROFESSOR VICTOR VOSPER:

THE MODERN CAGLIOSTRO.

PART I.

THE MAGICIAN'S MINT.

THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.

AN ENCHANTED HANDKERCHIEF.

THE FEAST OF LANTERNS.

----

An Interval of Ten Minutes.

PART II.

PROFESSOR VOSPER will introduce

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LUCILLA,

The Child Clairvoyante:Who will give her Marvellous Illustrations of

SECOND SIGHT!

After whichPROFESSOR VOSPER will exhibit some Startling Experiments in AnimalMagnetism, including-

THE SUSPENDED WAND ANDTHE OBEDIENT BALL.

And finally will introduce

THE FAIRY VIOLANTE:Sleeping in mid-air, in a variety of graceful positions.The whole formingThe most MARVELLOUS EXHIBITION ever offered to theBritish Public.

Pianoforte-MADAME LINDA.

On the opposite page were:-

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS AND PUBLIC ONPROFESSOR VOSPER'S PERFORMANCE.

"Not a dry eye in the audience, or a handkerchief to wipe them with. TheProfessor had borrowed them all."--Muddleborough Gazette.

"We were told that Professor Vosper's performance must be seen to bebelieved. We have seen it, and we wouldn't believe him on hisaffidavit."--Slocum-Podger Court Circular.

"We did not wait to see the close of the performance, but hurried home tolock up the silver spoons till the Professor had quitted theneighbourhood."--Clapham Junction Advertiser.

"Just the thing to improve the mind of a thoughtful boy. My son Peter wasintended for the Bar, but has now decided to be a conjurer instead. He hasalready smashed his Grandmother's watch, and borrowed four half-crownsfrom his aunt. It is three weeks ago, and he has not 'restored' them yet, butexpects to be quite able to do so in a week or two."--Solomon Knoodle.

"Professor Vosper is a fraud. He produced three half-crowns from my nose,and said he could keep on, if necessary, all the evening. I have since blownmy nose eleven hundred and fifty times, and worn out threepocket-handkerchiefs, without extracting a solitary copper."--An IndignantSubscriber.

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"A most interesting and instructive performance, but I don't think theexplanations as to 'how it's done' are quite as clear as they might be. Mywife attempted to cook our Sunday pudding after the Professor's method,but it was not a success. She burnt a hole in my best hat, and I find raw eggin my hair every time I wear it. We are going to try again next Sunday, withmore eggs, when we hope for a better result."--A Candid Inquirer.

"Professor Vosper's performance is enough to curdle one's hair, and makeone's blood stand on end. I wouldn't be that man's wife! no; not for theriches of Creases."--Marartha Brown.

"You've got to the 'Opinions,'" said the Professor, seeing me smile. "Howd'ye like 'em? Not bad, are they?"

"Very good indeed," I said. "Where on earth did you get them?"

"All out of my own head, my dear boy. I used to print genuine press noticeson the back of the programme:--'Brilliant assemblage of Beauty andFashion on Monday evening in the Town Hall, Little Puddleton, to witnessProfessor Vosper's most Marvellous Entertaimnent'--and so on. Got dozens,hundreds of 'em. Rare flowery chaps, those country reporters! But thepublic wouldn't read 'em at any price. So one day a happy thought struckme. Thinks I to myself, 'Dash it all! Let's give 'em something they willread.' And I've done it ever since. The jokes are not exactly A-1,copper-bottomed, perhaps, but they pass muster, and keep people amusedduring the waits. It's half the battle if you can keep your audience on thegrin, and a right down good chuckle from one man will often start a wholerow. If I could afford it, I should like to keep a professional chuckler on theestablishment, just to set 'em going, like the claque, you know, in France.It'd pay--I'm convinced it would. But we mustn't chatter when there's workto be done. You've seen the programme for the public; now run your eyeover this."

He handed me a sheet of paper, also marked 'Programme.' The differentitems of the printed programme were written at the left hand, and oppositethem a list of the requirements for each trick to the minutest detail, so thatthey might be instantly to hand as needed. "You'll have to pay attention tothis, for as soon as you've got your hand in a bit I shall leave this part of thework to you. You see these abbreviations:-C. T., S.T.R., S.T.L., and so on."

"Yes; I was just wondering what they meant."

"All simple enough, when you're used to them. C.T. means centre-table,S.T.R. side-table, right; S.T.L. side-table, left. Each of these tables, you see,has a little shelf behind it, called a servante, and on this you have to put thenecessary articles. Sometimes they may be on the top of the table, and noton the servante. Knowing the trick, of course you know well enough whichof the two it is to be. For instance, against the 'Feast of Lanterns,' you see

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'Lanterns C.T.' That means that the set of lanterns for the trick is to be putin readiness beforehand on the servante of the centre-table."

"And B.S., O.S., and B.O., what do they mean?"

"B.S. is 'behind the scenes.' B.O. is a mem. for myself, and means that Ihave to 'bring on' such and such a thing with me, when I come forward;O.S. is 'on self.' That means something that I have to bring on with me, butpalmed or otherwise concealed."

"Is this a plan of your own, or do other conjurers adopt the same system?"

"Something like it, most of them; though perhaps not to the same extent.Some trust to memory; and, of course, if a man's working the very sameprogramme night after night, without any variation, he soon gets it at hisfingers' ends, and can see at a glance if he has all he wants. I like, myself, tosee things in black and white, and where you have to trust an assistant to getthings ready for you, of course it's doubly necessary not to leave things tomemory. Anything less than 'all right' is 'all wrong' in conjuring, and sometrifling thing not in the right place may put you in a most awful fix."

"Have you ever been sold that way, Professor?"

"Have I? I should rather think I have, my son! But that I haven't time atpresent to tell the secret of my mischances, 'I could a tale unfold-'"

He raised his voice as he spoke the last words, and the quotation wasinstantly taken up by Gimp, striking an attitude with his broom, and rollingout the periods in a sonorous bass:-

"'--a tale unfold, whose lightest word Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood; Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres; Thy knotted and combined locks to part, And each particular hair to stand on end, Like quills upon the fretful porcupine.'"* (*Hamlet)

"I thought I should start him," said the Professor. "You haven't forgotten theold trick, then, Gimp?

"Forgotten, governor! forgotten Shakespeare! Never till the-

"'-last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, In second childishness and mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans.-everything!'"** (**As you Like It.)

"That's the worst of Gimp," said the Professor in an undertone. 'When you

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have once turned on his Shakesperean tap there's no knowing when he'llleave off. I shouldn't wonder, now we've started him, if he fired off a lot ofloose Shakespeare at the company as they take their tickets this evening. Iverily believe he dreams Shakespeare when he's got the fit on him. I've methim in the dimmets talking to himself about a 'damned spot,' and declaringthat all the perfumes of Arabia wouldn't sweeten his little hand. FancyGimp's little hand and the perfumes of Arabia! Happy combination, isn't it?But we're frivolling again. Now, look here, and follow me closely. 'THEMAGICIAN'S MINT.' That's the Shower of Money, you know; catchingmoney in the air. You see the note is, 'Ten half-crowns, O. S.' That's myaffair. I come forward with two half-crowns palmed, and eight more in thislittle pocket here (which is called a pochette, by the way), just behind myleft trouser-leg. I have another on the other side. 'Ten ditto, loaded, andmoney-tray, C.T.' You know what 'loaded' means?

"That it has something in it, I suppose."

"Right, so far; but it always means something introduced secretly. Themoney-tray-here it is-has a sort of flat tube underneath it, open at one end,to take four half-crowns, and 'loaded' means that four half-crowns are to bein it. That we will place on the table. The ten half-crowns will be placedjust at this corner of the servante, so that I can palm them at the rightmoment, when I want to double the quantity of the money I've collectedfrom the air. You'll understand better after this evening's show. What comesnext?"

"'THE WAY THE MONEY GOES. Half-crown casket and green glassloaded, C. T.'"

"Here is the glass. You see it is nearly opaque, and it is 'loaded' with fourhalf-crowns, under the false bottom. At present they are held tight, so thatthey mayn't rattle, but if I move aside this little catch underneath the glassthe flap is set free, and the coins are left loose in the glass. As I said before,you'll understand it better when you see me work the trick. By the way, yousee there's a special note here. 'Drop Coins, B. S.' That means that certaincoins are to be dropped into a glass behind the scenes, to make thespectators believe that other coins drop into a glass in front of the scene, butMrs. Carrick will do that. It's too near the beginning of the programme foryou to come behind. You'll be busy showing the people into their seats."

"And the casket, what is that?"

"This elegant little box, like a sarcophagus to bury a tom-tit in, is called 'thehalf-crown casket.' You see there are slits for four half-crowns, and if fourhalf-crowns are placed in them, each time I close the box one of themdisappears, till all four are gone, when you can turn the box upside down,and nothing will fall out. The mechanism is very clever."

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"A thing of that sort must be costly, I should think."

"So are most good things, and particularly in conjuring. A badly made pieceof apparatus is worse than useless. That little box is Bland's A-1, and costme five-and-thirty shillings. What's next? 'THE ENCHANTEDHANDKERCHIEF.' That doesn't want much preparation. 'Pieces ofhandkerchief, O.S.' That means a small handkerchief torn into a dozenpieces, a dozen more sewn together in a long strip, and one separate piece;all tucked at different points under the front of my waistcoat. 'Smoke-Vaseand cover ready. Cover, C. T.' You see this glass vase and cover. These areseparately prepared by just wetting the inside of the cover withhydrochloric acid and the inside of the vase with liquid ammonia. Thecover I have ready on the centre-table. The vase I bring on with me when Icome forward for the trick. When the cover is put on the vase the fumes ofthe two chemicals unite, and form a dense white vapour like smoke. Youwill see how I work the vase into my trick."

"And the 'Feast of Lanterns?'"

"That means the production of lighted lanterns from a borrowed hat. Afirst-rate trick, and always goes down with the public. The mem. is'Lanterns, C. T,' lanterns, centre-table. Here they are, on the servante, yousee. There are eight of 'em, tin at top and bottom, and so arranged that theywill all pack together into this little parcel, only an inch-and-a-half thick,though when they are lifted out of the hat they are each nearly a foot high."

"And what does 'Hook ready, B. S.,' mean?"

"Hook ready behind scenes. That is a little iron hook like a button-hook,with a wooden handle, which is used to lift out each lantern by the wirebow at top. This has to be ready behind the scenes, 'ready' meaning in thiscase that the metal part is to be nearly red-hot. It is heated in a spirit lampon purpose, and serves to light the candles in the lanterns by just touchingthe wicks, which are specially prepared. Of course the spectators don'tknow that the iron is hot. You will have to bring on the hook for me after Ihave begun the trick. The second part commences with Lily's little bit.There's no preparation for that, or rather, the preparation's all here," tappinghis forehead, "and pretty stiff preparation it is, I can tell you."

"So Miss Lily was telling me this morning."

"If you want to get prematurely bald, to ruin your digestion and yourtemper, and get your brain into permanent knots, with a new set of bumpsin wrong places, go in for the Second-sight business. I almost wish I'd nevertouched it; but it goes down with the public. Then we come to theSuspension Trick. The 'Suspended Wand' and 'The Obedient Ball' aremerely two little tricks to lead up to the grand effect, and to give the missisthe more time to change, and make up her face. The Suspended Wand I

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work by means of a little 'clip,' which just fits round the wand, and sticksout at right angles to it, so that you can grip it between the sides of thefingers. See, here it is."

The Professor took up a light black rod, about half an inch thick, which wasstanding close by, and showed me how, by means of a little movable clipwhich slipped on and off at pleasure, he could attach it to his fingers, andwave the wand about in any direction, as if suspended by some magneticinfluence.

"And 'The Obedient Ball?'" I said.

"Here is the ball, or rather the balls, for there are two of them, though theaudience only know of one. Here is No. 1: a solid wooden ball, about fourinches in diameter, with a cord loosely threaded through it. "This is the old'Obedient Ball,' originally a Japanese trick, I believe. You observe that thecord runs quite loosely through it, with a tassel at each end. See, I put myfoot on one end and hold up the cord in a perpendicular position. The ballruns down by its own weight, as you would naturally expect. But if Imesmerise it a little, and then lift it halfway up the cord, you see it remainssuspended. I move it a little higher, and still it remains. Now I will order itto slip down halfway, and then stop. You see it obeys. Now, ball, go sixinches further, and stop! Again it obeys. You look puzzled?"

"I certainly am."

"And yet it is simple enough. The hole through the ball is not bored straightthrough, but is crooked, like an elbow. As long as the cord is slack it slipsthrough with perfect ease; but as soon as it is tightened it is drawn hardagainst the inner angle of the elbow and is held fast. Simplicity itself, yousee, if you only know how it's done. There's much virtue in that particular'if,' anyhow. When I want the ball to fall I slacken the cord; when I want itto stop I pull taut."

"But, if I remember right, when I saw you perform the other evening, youmade the ball travel up the cord."

"Quite so; but that was done with this other ball, which I secretly exchangefor the first one. See, when I tighten the cord, the ball begins to rise."

"That is a very extraordinary effect. How on earth is it managed?"

"This supposed cord is in reality two cords, wound on drums within the ballof different diameters; one cord comes out at top, and one at bottom. Whenthe one cord is wound up the other unwinds. When the cord is drawn tautthe undermost cord, which is coiled on the larger drum, unwinds, andthereby winds up the upper cord, and so makes the ball rise. It's simpleenough if you were to see the inside of the ball, but it is rather difficult tomake it clear by mere description. Lastly, we come to the 'Suspension trick.'

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This is the corset," indicating a light iron framework with straps and pads invarious directions.

I turned it this way and that in bewilderment. "I don't quite understand," Isaid.

"Don't you? The lady to be suspended (the missis in this case) wears thatiron framework, securely strapped round her body, under her costume. Hereis the rest of the apparatus. Two uprights, one of plain wood, the other alsoof wood, but with an iron core. The lower end of this fits into a socket inthe platform, and this hinged steel bolt, which you see comes under theright arm when the corset is worn, drops into a hole in the top of it. Thenthe stool on which the lady has been standing is taken away, leaving herapparently resting on the two uprights, but really seated on this paddedcrutch, which forms the lower part of the corset. Then the wooden uprightis taken away, and in due course she is lifted, first into a slanting, andfinally into a horizontal position, still supported by the framework; thisratchet-joint under the arm adapting itself to the various positions.Meanwhile, I give 'em the patter about mesmeric influence, and so on, anddrape the lady, who is supposed to be in a trance all the while, in variouscostumes. The effect you have seen."

"And very charming it is. I shall be doubly interested in seeing it now that Iknow the secret."

"If you are, you have a genuine love of conjuring for its own sake. That'sthe test. To nine people out of ten a trick loses three parts of its interest ifthey once know the secret."

"That will not be so in my case, I can assure you. I shall quite look forwardto this evening."

"Very good; I hope you will enjoy it. Your duties 'behind' with the presentprogramme are only nominal, being limited to giving me the heated hook atthe right minute for the lanterns. In some cases, of course, you would havea great deal more to do. It all depends what tricks I am working. To-nightyour chief business will be to take the tickets as the company come in,show them to their seats, and sell them as many programmes as youpossibly can. And now we'll go home to dinner."


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CHAPTER XIII.Breaking the News of my Flight--Mistaken Suppositions--The Lack of a

Dress-coat--My first Experiences as a Gentleman Usher--AwkwardCustomers--Money-making Extraordinary--A Sceptic convinced--An

Enchanted Handkerchief--A Light-headed Gentleman.

I HAD already sent the Major a letter, asking him to break to my motherthe news of my flight, if my prosaic departure in a four-wheeled cab can bedignified by so poetical a name. I thought it safest not to enter intoparticulars, but merely said that I really could not screw up my courage toenter Uncle Bumpus' establishment, and had been fortunate enough to findan easy and genteel occupation in a different line. Why this purposelyindefinite statement should have induced my mother to believe that I hadapprenticed myself to a hairdresser I cannot say, but such, it appears, washer conviction, and for some months she was constantly wasting her moneyand diminishing her not too abundant chevelure by having her hair cut atnew establishments, in the vain hope that the tonsorial shears might bewielded by her wandering son. She even pressed the Major into the service,and our good old friend, for the sake of humouring her, at first complied;but having had his already short hair cropped three times in a fortnight, hebegan to look so unpleasantly like an escaped convict that he was perforcecompelled to give up the quest. An endeavour to interest Jemima in thesame direction had failed utterly. Jemima scouted the hairdresser theory.She would have it that I had enlisted as a soldier, and never saw alifeguardsman's legs -the utmost she could see of him from the kitchenwindow-pass the area railings without rushing up to the front door to see ifthe upper part of him corresponded with the missing Dick, who, by the way,must have grown considerably if such had been the case. Occasionally oneof these gigantic warriors would mistake Jemima's intention in thussuddenly appearing at the door, and would address her, after the manner ofhis kind, in language of affection, but the rout of such warriors wastremendous to behold. I believe that some of them would sooner haveshared in another Balaclava charge than have faced a second outburst ofJemima's indignant virtue.

These particulars, of course, I did not learn till long afterwards.

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To return to the incidents of my first evening as assistant to the Professor: Itook care to be dressed in good time, and put on my best suit of clothes,which chanced to be a black one, deeply regretting the while that I did notpossess a dress-coat, and registering a vow to provide myself with one atthe very first moment that my funds would permit. It is curious howcircumstances alter cases. This remark has, I believe, been made before, butthe bearing of it, as Mr. Bunsby would say, "lays in the application of it."There was a boy at Dumpton College-a rather fat boy, which tended toemphasise the circumstance-who was made to wear, for economicalreasons, a cast-off dress-coat of his father's. That innocent garment wrappedhim about with ignominy, and caused his native name of Simpson to be allbut superseded by ribald sobriquets, such as "Waiter," "Coming, Sir," and"Tails." Even I, in my youthful ignorance, had despised that boy by reasonof his unaccustomed garment. Now, I would have swapped my best jacketfor it with the greatest possible pleasure. However, there was no help for it.I did my best to give myself an evening-dressy appearance by the additionof a white tie, and started with the Professor to the hall, where the ladieswere to follow a little later. I peeped in through the ticket-hole on Gimp,who had just taken up his position in the money-taker's box, and who stillhad the Shakespeare fit on him. I chanced to say, thinking he might notrecognise me in my brushed-up and white-tied condition, "You rememberme?--Hazard."

His reply, rolled out in a tremendous bass, from the depths of theticket-office, was,-

"'Remember thee?Ay, thou poor ghost, while memory holds a seatIn this distracted globe! Remember thee?Yea, from the table of my memoryI'll wipe away all trivial fond records,All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,That youth-'"*(* Hamlet)

How much further he may have gone on I cannot say, for the effect was soalarming that I fled, and made my way with all haste into the hall.

There were three classes of seats, costing two shillings, one shilling, andsixpence, and distinguished by green, pink, and white tickets respectively,but the Professor had omitted to mention this last point to me. The firstarrival was a party of four, two men and two women, all of rather roughappearance, who proceeded to take up their positions in the front row of thetwo-shilling seats. I had just handed each of them a programme, when,glancing at the tickets they had given me, I saw that they were for thesixpenny seats. "I beg your pardon," I said, "but you have made a mistake, Ithink. These are not your seats." "Ow d'ye mean?" said one of the party,

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who might have been, from his appearance, a chimney sweep who had justwashed, or a bricklayer who hadn't, "Who says they ain't our seats?"

"I mean that these are two-shilling seats."

"Well, and we've paid two shillings, ain't we?"

"But these seats are two shillings each, and you have paid only sixpenceeach. Those are the sixpenny seats, there at the back."

"Then why couldn't you say so at first, young man, instead of waitin' tillwe'd took our seats and settled ourselves down comfortable? I'm sure there'sroom enough. Why, there ain't a blessed person in the 'All except ourselves.I tell ye what; here I am, and here I stick. Eh, Bill?"

The party referred to as Bill gave a sort of grunt, and observed In a huskyvoice that that was about the size of it.

I was beginning to get rather nervous, for these were clearly not the sort ofpeople to be acceptable to the expected aristocrats of the two-shilling seats.Meanwhile two young men had come in with shilling tickets. I showedthem into their places, and then returned to the obnoxious party in the frontrow.

"Excuse me, gentlemen, you really must move to the seats you have paidfor. You did not give me your tickets till you had taken your seats, or Ishould have shown you to your right places at once. You will get me intoserious trouble."

"That's your look-out, for not taking the tickets fust," said the man who hadalready spoken. Fortunately one of the women interposed. "Lor, Dan, it ain'tworth makin' a fuss about. We don't want to get the young man into anybother. It'll be all the same come Christmas. Here, come along."

The two women got up and moved to the sixpenny seats, and their malecompanions, after a final grumble, followed them. They settled themselvesdown into their new seats, but none of the party had shown any sign ofpaying for their programmes. Meanwhile, a lady and two children had comein. I showed them to their seats and again returned to the first party.

"Bust my body, if he ain't here again," said my original antagonist. "Youdon't want us to move again, mister, do you?"

"The programmes, if you please."

"You don't want 'em back again before the show begins, do ye? Why, yougive 'em to us yourself."

"But you have not paid for them. They are a penny each."

"A penny each! A penny for a little dirty bit of paper like that?

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"That is the regular price, sir."

"Give 'em back to him. It ain't good enough, young man; when I wantliteratoor I buy Lloyd's paper. Summut for your money, that is. A reglerimposition, I call it."

And thereupon the whole party handed me back their programmes, butsadly changed for the worse. They had received them crisp and clean. Now,they looked as if ham sandwiches had been wrapped in them. I could hardlyhave believed that the mere pressure of the human thumb, however warm,could have produced such richness of effect. Of course the programmeswere now unsaleable, but I thought it best to take them back without demur,glad to close the matter even on such unsatisfactory terms.

The company now began to come in rapidly. The front seats were notpatronised as freely as they might have been, but the shilling and sixpennyplaces were well filled, and by eight o'clock we had a very fair house.Punctually, as the clock struck, the curtains were drawn aside, and theProfessor, in irreproachable evening dress, came forward, wand in hand.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he began. "I propose to exhibit for youramusement this evening a few experiments in Natural Magic. I need hardlytell you that I don't claim any supernatural powers. There is nothing in allthat I shall show you this evening that you couldn't do yourselves if youonly knew the secret and practised long enough. I should recommend you,therefore, to take particular notice of everything I do, so that you may seeexactly how it's done, and then, if your inclination lies that way, go homeand do it.

"Let me ask you to remark, however, that my methods of working aresomewhat different from those of most other conjurers. For instance, Irequire a little money for the purpose of my first experiments. Mostconjurers, under such circumstances, borrow the amount they want. I don't.I never borrow money. I prefer to steal it. In Order, however, to keepmyself out of the clutches of the law and to avoid getting 'run in' until it isabsolutely necessary, I never steal any money that belongs to anybody.There is plenty of loose cash belonging to nobody about, if you only knowwhere to lay your hand upon it. I really can't say what's the cause; whetherit's unpaid Income Tax, or unclaimed dividends, but the air seems positivelymetallic to-night with nobody's money. If some gentleman will oblige mewith a hat I will collect a little." A hat was handed up. "Thank you, sir. Avery admirable headpiece, and just the thing for a money-box. Now, tobegin!

"This evening I shall only, collect half-crowns. A half-crown is a good,solid, sensible coin, and you can see it without spectacles. What do you say,sir? You never saw a half-crown with spectacles, did you? No, I thought

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not. Ah, here is one of them, just burning itself in the flame of the candle. Iwill drop it into the hat. And here is another, sticking to the heel of myboot. In it goes! And another, here, floating in the air. In that goes too! Andanother close to it! And one on this lady's bonnet. And another in this lady'shandkerchief. I drop each one into the hat. We are getting quite a collection.More? Oh, dear, yes, plenty more. Here is one on this young gentleman'shead, and-dear me, yes, it is! another on this young gentleman's nose.Excuse me, my dear, but you have another under your chin. Thank you! Init goes!"

At each phrase the Professor apparently picked up or caught with hisfingers a half-crown from the point indicated. The illusion was perfect, andI watched him with the greatest possible interest, the more so that, fromprevious knowledge and his explanations of the morning I had a pretty fairnotion how the trick was done, and was able to appreciate the neatness ofhis manipulation. It will be remembered that the working programmeindicated that the performer was to bring forward ten half-crowns, twobeing palmed in his right hand, and eight more in a secret pocket, so as tobe instantly get-at-able. In the act of borrowing the hat he dropped the lefthand to this pocket, palmed the eight coins, and immediately transferringthe hat to that hand, grasped it with the fingers inside, the eight coins lyingflat against the lining. The first coin which he apparently "caught" was oneof those palmed in the right hand, and was unmistakably tossed into the hat.The second of the two palmed coins served , for the remainder of the trick,the performer by a quick movement bringing it into view at the tips of hisfingers and making believe to throw it into the hat, but instead of doing so,again palming it, and dropping into the hat instead one of the eight coins inthe left hand, the sound of the coin as it fell into the crown producing acomplete illusion. Two points, however, puzzled me. I noticed that theProfessor repeatedly showed his right hand empty, and yet the next momenthe would "catch" a coin. Once or twice, instead of throwing the coin intothe hat in the ordinary way, he would pass it, apparently, through the side orcrown. This I could understand, knowing that the actual coin shown was notthe one which fell into the hat, but presently came a new marvel, whichstaggered me completely. As if for my personal benefit, the Professorremarked "Perhaps some of you ladies and gentlemen may not believe thatthe coin really passes through the substance of the hat. I will repeat thepass, and do it slowly, so that there may be no mistake about it."

He made a pass towards the crown, and the coin remained sticking in thesubstance of the hat, half in and half out. He gave it a gentle rub, and itpassed in altogether. He made a final catch, caught apparently another coinand threw it up in the air, catching it in its descent in the hat.

"I could go on like this all the evening, ladies and gentlemen, but I amafraid you would find it rather monotonous after the first hour or so, soperhaps we may as well go on at once to something else. Let us see how

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many coins we have collected:-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,nine, ten. I thought there were more, but I can easily make them more. Ihave only to take them up in my hands, and give them a gentle rub, so."

He took them up and rubbed them between his hands, letting them fall onthe tray.

"Ah! that is better. Let us see how many we have now? Two, four, six,eight, ten, twelve, fourteen, sixteen, eighteen, twenty. That will do, I think."

I had noticed that while he was counting the coins for the first time, theProfessor's disengaged hand had carelessly approached the ten half-crownson the servante, so I had no difficulty in understanding this portion of thetrick.

"Now, I propose to show you the facility with which money (this particularkind of money, at any rate) will pass from place to place. Here is an emptyglass."

He turned the green glass upside down, and rattled his wand within it.

"I will place it here, in full view, on this little table, and I want you all tokeep one eye upon it. I will next invite your attention to this elegant littlecasket. You will perceive that it has four little slits in it, in each of which Iwill place a half-crown. One, two, three, four! No deception, here they are,you see, unmistakably in the box, and visible to the naked eye. Now I amgoing to order these coins to pass one by one out of this little casket intothat glass on the table. If I were to hold the casket myself you might suspectsome deception, consequently I shall ask some one else to hold it. Will youoblige, madam? Thank you. See, for the last time, that you have all fourcoins. Right? I close the box, and leave it in your own keeping. Now, ladiesand gentlemen, you were to keep one eye on the glass; keep the other eye,please, on the casket. One, two, three! First coin, pass."

There was a chink, really behind the scenes, but so perfect was the illusionthat, but for Professor Vosper's explanations of the morning, I could havesworn a coin had fallen into the visible glass.

"You saw it go, no doubt? No! Well, you heard it, at any rate. Will youopen the casket, madam?"

The casket was opened, and one coin had vanished.

"Let us try the experiment again. Perhaps some other lady will now hold thecasket?"

The experiment was repeated. A coin was again heard to fall in the glass,and on the casket being opened two half-crowns only were left in it.

"Let us try again."

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The experiment was repeated, with the same result. There was now onlyone coin left. A voice, which I recognised as that of my late opponent, wassuddenly uplifted from the sixpenny seats.

"Here, I say, mister, you wouldn't let me hold that there box, I suppose?"

"By all means," said the Professor, advancing to him with the open casketin his hand, "if you will promise to take care of the money."

"I'll take care o' un, never fear, but I must see first that I ha' got un."

"You can see that without much difficulty," said the Professor, handing himthe open casket.

"Yes, I ha' got 'un, right enough, and I'm going to keep 'un," said he,shutting the box, and gripping it with a power of thumb which fullyaccounted for the condition of my unfortunate prgrammes. "You don't wantto touch 'un no more."

"Very good," said the Professor, walking away towards the platform.

The man held the box tighter than ever, remarking with a grin to thosearound him, "I reckon I've spoilt the old chap's trick this time. If he gets thehalf-crown out this time I'll eat un."

"One, two, three! Last coin, Pass!" said the Professor.

The customary chink was heard in the glass on the table, and the Professor,turning to his antagonist, held out his hand for the casket.

"Oh no, ye don't. There's some hanky-panky about that there glass, but I ha'got the half-crown right enough."

He opened the box and the coin had vanished.

The face of our vanquished foe was a picture. He looked from the box tothe Professor, from the Professor to the glass, and from the glass back againto the casket, with the most comical expression of bewilderment, almostamounting to terror, I ever saw in my life.

"Well, I am--"

The last word was lost, perhaps fortunately, in the shout of laughter whichgreeted his discomfiture. He sat down, but almost instantly stood up again.

"Hi, mister!" he shouted, wildly beckoning with his arm in my direction."Let's have them there programmes again."

I handed back the soiled programmes to him, nothing loath, and diving tothe depths of his breeches' pocket, he hauled out a handful of coppers andpaid for the whole party. Meanwhile the Professor turned the casket upside

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down, and then, going to the table, picked up the green glass (in so doingreleasing the catch), and poured the four coins it contained upon the traywith the rest. The applause was tremendous, the sceptical individual beingthe loudest in his demonstrations. It is a curious fact, which I havefrequently had occasion to notice in my magical experience, that the mosttrivial circumstance enacted under a man's own individual nose will carrymore conviction to his mind than the experience of any number of thirdpersons, though infinitely more qualified to judge of the value of thephenomenon. And so with our friend of the casket. From absolutescepticism he had passed to absolute belief, and I have no doubt that for therest of his days he retained a firm conviction of the genuine supernaturalpowers of the Professor.

The Professor resumed:-"Some of you, perhaps, may imagine that the glassor the casket had something to do with the effect produced. To show youthat such is not the case I will repeat the experiment without using either ofthose articles. But I shall want the assistance of some gentleman to hold themoney. Will you oblige, sir?" to the hero of the incident just concluded, butthat gentleman shook his head with great decision. "No, thankye. I've hadmy whack," he said. "You can give somebody else a turn." A volunteer,however, was quickly procured, and was asked to count the coins on theplate. He did so, and reported that there were twenty. He was then asked toplace his hands together cup-wise to receive the coins, which the Professoraccordingly poured into them from the tray. The performer then requestedhim to hand back four coins. Being asked how many remained, he naturallyreplied sixteen. "Quite so," said the Professor. "I see you have studiedarithmetic; four coins you have given me, and sixteen you have left togethermake twenty. Hold those sixteen coins, please, very tightly. I am going tostand as far as possible away from you and to pass these four coinsmagically into your hands along with the sixteen you already hold. Are youready? Good. One, two, three, Pass!" He showed his hand empty, having inthe apparent transfer of the coins from the one hand to the other got rid ofthem by sleight of hand, and on the coins being counted the young man wasagain found to have twenty. Knowing the construction of the tray, I readilyconjectured that when the Professor poured the twenty coins from the trayinto the young man's hands the four concealed in the space below slippedout, and became mixed with them, so that when he thought he had butsixteen left he still had twenty; but the mystification of the audience wascomplete, and the applause tremendous. The Professor made his bow, andretired to make his preparations for "The Enchanted Handkerchief." Thesedid not take long, for he almost instantly returned, holding the Smoke-vasein his hand. This he placed by the side of the glass lid, which was alreadyon the table.

"For the purpose of my next experiment I shall have to ask the loan of asmall lady's handkerchief-or I should rather say a small handkerchief

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belonging to a lady. I have one of my own, but if I were to use it, you mightfancy there was a false bottom to it, or a little boy in it, or something of thatkind; so I think it better to borrow. Thank you, madam, a very nicehandkerchief. May I do what I like with it?"

"As long as you don't damage it," was the reply.

"Ah, now you have made me nervous. I was just going to tear it up andburn it, but if you won't let me damage it, of course I must give up that idea,so I'll merely cut a little piece out of the middle instead. You won't mindthat, will you?" And without waiting for the reply the Professor rapidlycaught the handkerchief by the middle, drew it between his fingers, andsnipped a piece from the centre with a pair of scissors. All was done soquickly that the unfortunate owner had hardly time to utter a cry ofremonstrance. She evidently gave up her handkerchief for lost, not knowingthat what the Professor had cut was not really her handkerchief, but a bit ofcambric which he had adroitly placed against it, and then drawn betweenhis fingers as if it formed part of the fabric. Taking the cut piece, whichwhen unfolded made a circle about the size of a five-shilling piece, heremarked, "I shall now burn this portion of the handkerchief in this candle.Meanwhile, perhaps some one will hold the other portion of thehandkerchief for me."

A volunteer was found in the person of a tall gawky youth, and was invitedon to the platform. The Professor rolled the (supposed) mutilatedhandkerchief into a ball and handed it to him, or, I should rather say, madebelieve to hand it to him, for he in reality substituted a similar ballconsisting of loose pieces taken from under his waistcoat. He then set lightto the small piece of cambric, and remarking that he should want thesmoke, covered the vase with the lid, and waved about the burning cambricover it, when the vase was instantly seen to fill with dense white fumes."Now, sir," he said to the young man holding the handkerchief on theplatform, "be kind enough to rub that handkerchief gently in a circulardirection from left to right, and you will gradually rub the hole away." Theyoung man began, but his performance was not satisfactory. "My dear sir,not so roughly as that. When I told you to rub the hole away, I didn't meanthe whole of the handkerchief, I only meant the hole in the handkerchief;you needn't rub so savagely as that. Goodness knows what injury you mayhave done, and I promised the lady that the handkerchief should not bedamaged. Here, give it to me." He unfolded the handkerchief, which wasfound to be torn to pieces. The Professor pretended great annoyance."There, sir, you see what you have done. If you had rubbed it gently, as Itold you, the handkerchief would have been all right. Now it is in twentypieces. Well, as you have done the mischief you must repair it. You hadbetter take these pieces while they are still soft and see if you can't rub themtogether again." The young man took the bundle, looking even more foolishthan before, and began to rub once more, this time very gently, but still the

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Professor was not satisfied. "No, sir, that won't do! I told you to rub in acircular direction, and you rub in semicircles. Here; let me show you how torub." He took the handkerchief, which, falling apart, appeared in the formof the long strip, which had been deftly substituted. "There now, sir, yousee what you have done. I'm very sorry, madam, but it is really not myfault. If the gentleman had done as I told him it would have been all right. Ihope you won't mind. Your handkerchief is all there, though it is a littlealtered in shape. What do you say? It is no use to you like that? You hearwhat the lady says, sir. She won't take the handkerchief like that. What doyou value the handkerchief at, madam? Eighteenpence? Then, sir, you hadbetter pay the lady eighteenpence, and keep the handkerchief." The gawkyyouth began to look more and more uncomfortable, but the lady came to hisrescue by declaring that she didn't want eighteenpence, she wanted herhandkerchief. Finally, the Professor, rolling it up once more anddexterously substituting the original handkerchief, dropped it into thesmoke-vase, clapped the lid on again, waved his wand over all, and amoment later took out the handkerchief perfectly restored, and after pouringa little eau-de-cologne on it, to remove the smell of the chemicals, handed itback to the owner. The gawky young man on the platform grinned from earto ear, greatly relieved to find that he was not going to be made to pay foranything, while the lady carefully examined her handkerchief, and seemedgreatly surprised at finding no traces of its various misadventures.

The next item was the trick described in the programme as "The Feast ofLanterns." I slipped round behind the scenes, where Mrs. Carrick hadalready lighted the spirit-lamp for heating the iron hook. The Professor,meanwhile, had borrowed a hat, and, while discussing its shape and makewith the owner, had deftly introduced the lanterns. He then asked theproprietor whether he was ever light-headed, as there was something in thehat which would almost lead him to suppose so. The gentleman pleaded notguilty, but the Professor called to me for the hook, and forthwith proved hiscase by producing eight Japanese lanterns, each about ten inches high byfive in diameter, and containing a lighted candle. These were hung aboutthe stage in various prominent positions, where they made a very prettyeffect, until concealed by the fall of the curtain, which indicated the close ofthe first part of the entertainment.


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CHAPTER XIV.The Clairvoyance Trick--Mesmeric Influence--The Suspended Wand--The

Obedient Ball--The Fairy Violante--The Morality of Conjuring.

THE second part of the programme commenced with the "Clairvoyance,"or "Second-sight" performance. Mrs. Vosper, who had, up to this point,been seated at the piano, playing a selection of waltzes and other lightpieces, now rolled up her music and quietly disappeared through aside-door. Meanwhile, the Professor, leading Lily by the hand, cameforward and addressed the audience as follows:-

"The second part of my entertainment, ladies and gentlemen, will exemplifysome of the remarkable effects of the mesmeric influence. The first of theseis what is known as 'Clairvoyance,' or 'Second-sight.' It is found that certainspecially sensitive persons, when placed under the mesmeric influence,develop a new and mysterious sense, enabling them to see and describeobjects hidden from their physical vision. This young lady is one of thosegifted persons, and I shall proceed to illustrate her powers. She will take herseat upon this chair, facing the audience. I shall ask some gentleman to bekind enough to come forward and blindfold her as completely and securelyas he can, so as to satisfy you all that she cannot possibly make any use ofthe natural sight. I shall then by a few mesmeric passes throw her into themagnetic sleep. In that condition, though insensible to any voice but myown, she will instantly know what I say to her, and will name and describeany article I hold up, as fully and minutely as if she enjoyed the full use ofher eyes. The most out-of-the-way article will be described as readily as themost simple, and you are specially invited to bring with you on any futurevisit curious and little-known articles, in order the better to test theClairvoyante's powers. Will some gentleman come forward and blindfoldher?"

A volunteer was soon found. A handkerchief was tied tightly over Lily'seyes, in such a manner that any use of the ordinary sight was clearlyimpossible. The Professor, then standing before her and looking fixedly ather, made a few pretended mesmeric passes, and, after a few moments, thechild's head fell back as if in sleep. A pencil-case was the first articlehanded up to the Professor, who simply said, "Do you see this article,

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Lucilla? What is it?" After a moment's pause, the answer came, delivered ina dreamy, unintelligent tone, like that of a person talking in her sleep, "Apencil-case." "And the letter on the top, what is it?" "B," was the answer,which proved to be correct. A number of articles were then handed up inrapid succession, including watches, rings, postage-stamps, coins, scarfpins,purses, cigar-cases, keys, tooth-picks, railway-tickets, penknives andknick-knacks innumerable, and were named without hesitation,supplementary questions as to colour, design, or initial being answered withequal ease. In two or three instances people had brought specially curiousor uncommon objects with them, in order to puzzle the Clairvoyante.Among these were a scarf-pin with a death's-head in ivory, a domino, acribbage-peg, a whistmarker, a cigarette-making machine, and a littlemagnifying glass, known, I believe, as a linen-prover, but all weredescribed without hesitation. The only failure was over a pair of Chinesechopsticks, which were declared, not unnaturally, to be knitting-needles.When a sufficient number of articles had been described the Professorremoved the bandage, showing the child apparently still sound asleep.Then, taking her two hands, and blowing on her forehead, he said, in asharp tone, "Wake, Lucilla, wake!" The child shook her head and rubbedher eyes in the most natural manner possible, looking about with ahalf-dazed expression, as if endeavouring to remember where she was, thewhole being so perfectly acted that, but for my conversation of the morning,I should have fully believed that she had really been in a mesmeric sleep,and so, I am satisfied, did the majority of those present. Even when herfather led her forward to receive the plaudits of the audience she stillseemed to be half asleep, and accepted the applause with a shy look, as ifhardly knowing what it was all about, or what she had done to deserve it.

Lily having retired, the Professor resumed:-"You have just seen, ladies andgentlemen, one effect of the mesmeric influence. I now propose to showyou another, of a still more extraordinary, character. It is found that, bysome mysterious operation of the mesmeric force, bodies submitted to itsinfluence for the time being lose their gravity, and will even float in airwithout mechanical support. I shall first show you the effect of thisprinciple upon inanimate bodies, and then give you a still more startlingillustration of its power, in the person of a living being. Here, as youperceive, I have a thin wooden wand. It looks like polished ebony, butebony would be too heavy for my purpose. It is in reality of pine, stainedand varnished. Take it in your own hands, sir, and satisfy yourself that it isdevoid of mechanism or preparation. It will bear the closest examination.

"Now, observe; this rod, in its ordinary condition, is just like any otherpiece of wood. It is not very heavy, but if I cease to hold it, for howevershort a time, it falls, as you see." (In the act of picking it up I observed thatthe Professor took the little clip 'from his pocket, but the act was so deftlydone as to be quite imperceptible save to anyone actually watching for it.)

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"I will now make two or three mesmeric passes over it, so as to charge itwith the magnetic fluid. Observe the difference. It hangs to the tips of myfingers in any position I please. You can see for yourselves that I am notholding it in any way, and still it remains suspended.

"Now for another illustration. Here is a wooden ball, with a hole bored in itand a string running through the hole. You perceive that the string runsthrough very freely indeed. I will hold the string upright, placing my footupon its lower end to keep it steady. However often I raise the ball it fallsagain, dragged down by its own weight. But I make a few mesmeric passesover it, as I did over the rod, and now, if I raise it, it remains suspended atany given point, the force of gravitation being overcome by the greaterpower of the mesmeric fluid."

The Professor raised the ball to various points on the string, where itremained stationary. After his exposition of the morning I had no difficultyin understanding this phenomenon, but I was curious to know how hewould manage to exchange the ball in hand for the one with the "rising"mechanism. I knew that this latter was placed on the servante of one of thesmaller tables, but I could not imagine how he would contrive, under thevery eyes of the audience, to exchange, or, in conjuring phrase, to "ring" theone for the other. For a little while I was half inclined to think that he wasgoing to omit this portion of the trick altogether, for, having shown once ortwice that the ball would stop at a given height, he laid it down on the smalltable and took up the wand again. "The effect does not last very long," hesaid. (Here the ball chanced to roll off the table on to the floor, and he hadto pick it up and replace it.) "This rod was strongly magnetised just now,but it has now lost all its magnetism and is again an ordinary piece of wood.If I cease to hold it up it falls, as you see. The ball "-(he took it into his handagain)-"being more solid retains its magnetism longer. Sometimes, whenthe conditions are exceptionally favourable, I can even mesmerise it sostrongly as to make it not merely rest suspended, but absolutely floatupwards at the word of command. I do not know whether I shall succeed indoing so to-night, but I will try."

Accordingly he made a few more passes in the direction of the ball, whichpresently, to the astonishment of the audience, began to move slowlyupwards. The Professor then had changed the ball, but if so, when? I staredin bewilderment. I had been watching him the whole time, with all thevigilance of which I was capable, looking out for this particular movement;and he had made it and I had not seen it! I never felt so beaten in my life.That so expert a prestidigitateur as the Professor should have exchanged acoin or a card under my eyes without my perceiving it I could believereadily enough, but that he should have done so with a ball nearly as big asmy own head passed my comprehension. At last a ray of light struck me;and I hardly knew which most to marvel at: the Professor's address, or myown density. The "accidental" fall of the ball was, as I ought to have

Chapter XIV


suspected, no accident at all, but a cunningly calculated incident, to enablethe Professor in picking it up again to substitute the ball concealed on theservante. The Professor had picked up the ball from the floor with his lefthand, and as it reached the level of the table (which masked the change),had apparently transferred it to his right, but in reality had taken the secondball from the servante with his right, and left that just picked up in its place.The fact that the rod, and not the ball, was apparently in use at the moment,diverted all suspicion from the change.

Having exhibited the upward movement of the ball, the performercontinued:-"I have shown you these little effects, ladies and gentlemen,merely by way of introduction to the greater marvel I am now about toexhibit to you; namely, the suspension of a living person in the samemanner. When I say the same manner, I of course except the use of thestring, which if applied in the same way would be productive ofconsiderable discomfort to the subject of the experiment. I am assisted inthis part of my entertainment by a young lady known as the ' FairyViolante,' whom I will now introduce." Here he stepped to the side, andreturned, leading a Vision of whom I will only say that she looked evenmore bewitching than the Columbine of my never-to-be-forgottenPantomime. I had mentally to take myself by the collar and shake myself,before I could force myself to believe that that airy being with the shortskirts, the brilliant complexion, and the long, fair hair, was the same personas the sober-looking Madame Linda, who had been seated all the evening atthe piano, and whom as Mrs. Vosper I had seen partaking, only the nightbefore, of the prosaic tripe and the plebeian onion at her own fireside. Icould trace in this, her rejuvenated aspect, a marked likeness to Lily, butfew, I am sure, guessed that in that radiant being, of seventeen orthereabouts, they saw the homely, domesticated wife of the middle-agedProfessor, and the mother of the child who had just puzzled them by hersupposed clairvoyant faculty.

Having saluted the audience, the "Fairy Violante" lightly tripped on to asmall stool, about fifteen inches in height, placed in the centre of theplatform. The Professor, taking a couple of poles or rods, about an inch anda half in diameter, placed one under each of her arms, which they supportedin a horizontal position. One of these, as I knew from my observations ofthe morning, was of iron, and fitted into a socket on the platform, while itsupper end received a bolt which placed it in connection with the frameworkround the body of the female performer, but so deftly, and with so littleeffort was each dropped into position, that the most watchful spectatorcould detect nothing to indicate that the upright in question was anythingmore than an ordinary wooden pole. Vosper next began to make thesupposed mesmeric passes, and presently the head of the Fairy Violantedrooped on her shoulder. Her eyes closed, and it became evident that theFairy Violante was asleep. After a few more passes, to deepen her trance,

Chapter XIV


the Professor removed the stool from beneath her feet. The figure remainedmotionless, suspended between the two uprights. A few more passes, andthe Professor removed the left-hand upright. The lady remained-in defianceof all known laws of gravity-supported in air by a single upright standingbeneath her extended arm. The Professor gently bent the arm upward, andturned the hand so as to form a support for the head. Renewing the passes,he placed his hand beneath the body and lifted it to an angle of 45 degrees,at which it remained. A few more passes, and a few observations to theaudience as to the weight of the body decreasing in proportion as themesmeric influence increased, and again placing his hands beneath thefigure, he raised it to a horizontal position, and crossed one foot over theother, in which position the lady remained, still supported by the singleupright, as if sleeping in mid-air. After a few moments of this position heagain lowered the body gently back again to the perpendicular. He nowbegan to drape the still motionless figure in various costumes, with flagsand other accessories, adding appropriate head-gear, and posing the headand arms to correspond, so as to make it represent in quick successionBritannia, France, America, Little Red RidingHood, The Maid of Athens, aColleen Bawn, and many other characters. Finally, replacing the secondupright under the left arm and the stool beneath the feet, he began thereverse or demesmerising passes, under the influence of which the Fairy indue time came back once more to consciousness, kissed her hand to theaudience, and retired amid a final salvo of hearty applause.

"Well," said the Professor, as we walked home together after theperformance, "how d'ye like your new trade, so far? And what do you thinkof the show? Not bad, is it?"

"Bad! It is charming. And the more I know of the art the better I shall likeit, I'm quite certain."

"Don't be too cocksure, my dear boy. It isn't all play, as I told you oncebefore. Remember you're a 'new broom' just at present."

"I admit it, but I hope to be an old broom in time, and when I am worndown to the stump I am convinced I shall still be fond of conjuring."

"I fancy you're fairly bitten," said the Professor. "It's a queer thing, thefascination conjuring has for those who really have the gift for it, or eventhe fancy without the gift, for the matter of that. It's like drink or gamblingin that particular, though fortunately it doesn't play the dickens with yourconstitution to the same extent. When you've once begun you feel as if youmust go on, and you run after a new bit of good business like a child after anew toy. Why! tired as I am, at this moment, I'd walk a couple of miles tosee a good new trick."

"A couple of miles! I would walk five with pleasure. But talking of goodtricks, there are two of yours that beat me completely."

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"I am extremely glad to hear it. Tell me what they were, and I shall behappy to relieve your perplexity."

"These were both incidents of the 'money-catching' trick. The one was thatyou repeatedly showed your hand empty, and yet you immediatelyproceeded to catch a coin."

"Because, by dint of considerable practice, I am able to pass a coin betweenthe fingers to the back of the hand, and bring it back at pleasure. I will teachyou the dodge one of these days. What was the other matter that puzzledyou?"

"The extraordinary way in which you managed to show a coin half in andhalf out of the hat. How on earth was that done?"

"With this." He took from his waistcoat-pocket a semicircular piece ofmetal, being, in fact, one-half of a half-crown with a needle point,half-an-inch long, projecting from its cut edge. "That's the little fake, sir. Ijust stick that point into the hat, and the coin looks like a whole coin, half inand half out."

"But then, how did you manage to squeeze it right into the hat. Youcertainly did. You just gave it a rub and in it went."

"Did I? If you were one of the outside public I should say 'Of course I did.'But you ought to know better. I simply made believe to give it a rub,bringing it away between my first and second fingers, and invitedeverybody to observe that it had gone through."

"I'm afraid conjuring involves the telling of a goodmany-tarradiddles-doesn't it? Don't you find them lie heavy on yourconscience, sometimes?"

"Not a bit of it. Why should I? It's simply part of the show. What isconjuring, when you come to think of it, but simply one big tarradiddle-afib in action, so to speak, from beginning to end?"

"Well, it does seem pretty much that way."

"'Seems, madam, nay, it is,' as old Gimp would say. Off the platform Ibelieve I'm a fairly truthful person, but on it I consider that the public havepaid their money on purpose to hear and see what you elegantly describe astarradiddles; and, like an honest man, I endeavour to give them full valuefor their coin. Every fool knows that a conjurer's assertions are only to betaken in a Pickwickian sense. Fibs are a part of his professionalstock-in-trade, just as baggy trousers are of a clown's, or burnt cork of anigger minstrel's, and it would be about as reasonable to object to the one asthe other. There's one thing the public can always do, if they don't approveof being humbugged."

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"And what may that be?" I inquired.

"Stop at home," said the Professor.


Chapter XIV




CHAPTER XV.Professor Ledoyen--Card-Conjuring Extraordinary--Appealing to the

"Spirits"--A Transformation Trick--A Dazzling Promise.

WE HAD not long been seated at supper on the evening referred to in mylast chapter, when a very light knock was heard at the streetdoor, andpresently the small maid-servant put her head into the room, and said"Please, sir, the foreign gentleman, sir!"

"Oh, Monsieur Ledoyen?" said the Professor. "Ask him to walk in,Wilhelmina."--It is a curious but well-ascertained fact that in Londonlodging-houses, the smaller and grubbier the domestic, the morehigh-sounding is generally her name.

There were sounds of a person wiping his feet with special care, as if theywere extremely valuable, on the door-mat; a fragrance as of aday-before-yesterday cigar, and then was seen in the doorway a remarkableapparition. It was a tall, gaunt figure, clad in a long brown coat. In his lefthand the visitor held a soft felt hat, and in his right a small and rathershabby black bag, while his head was bent in profound salutation. I felt thatthe stranger was a conjurer. Hatchet-faced, lantern-jawed, cadaverous, withsparse grey hair, extremely straight, hanging down almost to the collar ofhis coat, he was the very ideal of a wizard. His face was perfectly cleanshaven, showing the working of a thin-lipped but singularly flexible mouth.His nose was long, his eyes half closed, and scarcely relieved by a vestigeof eyebrow, but very keen and intelligent, and ever and anon lighted up by aMephistophelic twinkle.

Such was the figure that, with hand, or, rather, black bag on heart, stood inthe parlour doorway, and, with a strong foreign accent, though of whatprecise nationality I could not for the moment determine, said, "Is it permitto enter? To ze noble Professor Vosper, and ze gracious lady Vosper, andall ze honourable company, I make my humble salutation. But I fear methat I derange you."

"Come in, Monsieur Ledoyen," said Mrs. Vosper, heartily. "We can alwaysmake room for you."

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"It is not zat I demand so much of place," said M. Ledoyen, protruding agaunt wrist and arm from his brown coat-sleeve. "I am not much fat.Hallo!"-to Tip, who was executing a volley of complimentaryfireworks.-"What have you, my leetle dog? What for you makerow-row-row?"

"Be quiet, Tip! you very naughty dog," said Lily. "You must not mind Tip,Monsieur Ledoyen; all that noise only means that he is pleased to see you."

"Aha! the gracieuse little Meess," said Monsieur Ledoyen, "I kiss yourhand," which he did accordingly. "And Madame Carrick, aussi; and zehonourable gentleman."

The honourable gentleman was myself. He did not kiss my hand (to mygreat relief), but made me a low bow.

"This is my new assistant, Mr. Hazard, Ledoyen," said Vosper. "I fancy hewill make a conjurer."

"Aha!" said Monsieur Ledoyen, with another bow. "And you will beprestidigitateur? Sir, I make you my compliment."

"Your must show him after supper what you can do with the cards,Ledoyen. You must know, Hazard, that Monsieur Ledoyen here is probablythe most skilful card-conjurer living."

The old gentleman did not disclaim the compliment. "You like trick withcard?" he said, grasping my hand with emotion, "I show you such trick asyou have never see of your life." (Here Mrs. Vosper handed him a plate ofcold beef.) "I thank you, madame, ten tousand time of your kindness." Thenagain to me: "You vill know trick? I show you trick," ('trick' he pronounced"treeck," and "show" as if it rhymed to "cow,") "so etonnant, so magnifique,zey pozzle ze sen-ses. De company break de head, bot zey no find demout."

The suggestion of breaking the heads of the company rather alarmed me forthe moment, but I fortunately remembered that in French-which I inferredto be Monsieur Ledoyen's native tongue-se casser la tete signifies merely topuzzle one's self over a thing. The speaker, with his mouth full, continued:-

"What for shall a prestidigitateur use mecanique? Voila! Here is enof ofmecanique!" He spread his long thin fingers, like eagles' talons, and thentapped himself upon the forehead. "What for they want mecanique? Yokels!Bah!"

The expression of scorn and contempt upon Monsieur Ledoyen's face as hethus disposed of the mechanical school of conjuring, was a study. Ihastened to assure him that I had no partiality for mecanique. My assuranceseemed to relieve him, and he went on with his supper with comparative

Chapter XV


calmness. His politeness was phenomenal. He would not even take adraught of porter, without drinking to one or other of the ladies, orsometimes, by way of variation, to all three together.

No sooner was the cloth cleared than he swooped upon his little black bag,and produced therefrom a piquet pack of cards, neatly done up inwhitey-brown paper. He tore off the wrapper with a flourish and began toshuffle, then, holding the pack in his left hand, at arms length, facedownwards, and without even glancing in that direction, he said, indicatingthe top card:-

"I ask ze honourable company be so kind as tell me vat card is this?Madame, you tell me? No! Ze leetle Meess? No! Ze leetle dog? No!" Tip,finding himself appealed to, responded with a bark. "Ze leetle dog, he say,'wow-wow,' but I do not know any card which call himself wow-wow. Youcannot tell what he is? zen I find out for myself. He is not black card-he isred card-he is not heart, he is carreau-what you call diamond, knave ofdiamond." He took off the card and showed that he was correct, and thentransferred the card to the bottom of the pack. "Ze next card! Vat is dis?You do not know? I know! He is eight of clobs; see! Vat is dis? Ze queen ofhearts. I shoffle ze cards once more-no mecanique! You can notingbreak-noting destroy. Ze mecanique it is here-" and he tapped his foreheadwith his bony forefinger. "How many card shall I throw?" "Five," I said, ata venture, though scarcely knowing what he meant. He threw five cards,face downwards, on the table, and named the sixth. "You say five card, andI have throw five card. How many point in dose five card? You do notknow? I tell you. Dere are twenty-tree point" (which, counting two pips (theactual number), for each court card, proved to be the case). Again heshuffled and held out the pack to me. "You take so many card as you like."I took a portion of the cards haphazard. "You know how many cards youhave take? No! You do not know? I tell you. You have take ten card. Howmany point? You cannot tell? You have for-r-ty-nine point." Bothassertions were verified, and proved to be correct. "You take some more.You have take seven card-thirty-one point." Again he shuffled. "What cardyou want to know? Tree-four-seven-ten?-Vat you please." I asked for thename of the thirteenth card down. It was given without a moment'shesitation, and other cards in like manner. I was permitted to cut the packwhere I pleased, and instantly Monsieur Ledoyen would name the top orbottom card. Finally, he handed me the pack, and asked me to shuffle,which I did freely. He then placed his left hand behind him to receive thecards, and turning his back to us, with his thumb pushed forward the topcard, so that we, the spectators, could see what it was. He then appealed tous to tell him what it was. "Ze gracious lady-tell me, of your kindness, vatis ze card. But the "gracious lady," who knew that the request was only partof the mise en scene, declined to assist him, and declared he must find outfor himself. "Ze leetle Meess, I pray you, tell me ze card." Lily shook her

Chapter XV


head, "No, Monsieur Ledoyen, you must walk about and find it out." Theold man simulated a comical perplexity. "No one will me help. I cannotknow ze card. Ze yong gentleman, ze leetle dog, he will not tell me ze card.Eh bien, I ask les esprits, ze spirit." He walked to the door and gravelytapped the panel three times with his bony knuckle, waiting with everyappearance of genuine expectation for the answer. Tip, meanwhile, enteredan emphatic protest against the uncanny nature of the proceedings. Therewas no audible reply on the part of the spirits, but it is to be presumed thatthey, somehow or other, communicated the necessary information to theperformer, for he presently announced -"Ze Spirit say he is not red card, heis black card. He is spade, he is ace of spade-" which was correct. Henamed a number of cards in succession in like manner, allowing us toshuffle the pack at pleasure, and each time walking about the room, tappingsolemnly three times, keeping the pack behind him, and waiting thesupposed prompting of the spirits before he gave the answer. There wassomething so weird, or unlike every-day conjuring about the wholeperformance, that I seriously began to wonder, for the moment, whether theold Frenchman was merely an unusually skilful performer, or whether hereally possessed some special power of divination, or some privateunderstanding with the powers of darkness, to enable him to produce suchapparently inexplicable effects. Meanwhile, he had commenced anotherfeat, with the remark, "Now I make pretty picture for ze young lady." I hadnot observed any change of the pack, but he forthwith began to produce aseries of startling transformations. Taking the four eights, he transmutedthem, by the mere substitution of one card for another, into four queens.Four kings were transformed into four golden suns, on a black ground. Foursevens into dancing-girls. Four tens into baskets of flowers. Seeing mewatching him with special vigilance he put the four cards he had last usedinto my hand. I examined them with the greatest possible minuteness,thinking to find some special secret in their construction, but they werequite ordinary cards.

Next followed a series of sleight-of-hand tricks, all of the most bewilderingcharacter. The long, thin fingers seemed hardly to touch the pack, and yet agiven card, or cards, travelled from top to bottom, and from bottom tomiddle of the pack; appeared at any desired number, vanished, andreappeared at Monsieur Ledoyen's pleasure, without the employment-so faras I could see-of any of the ordinary expedients adopted by conjurers insuch cases. He laid the four aces on the table and gave them into my ownkeeping. I saw that they were the four aces, and kept the whole weight ofmy hand upon them, and yet, at Monsieur Ledoyen's command the fouraces somehow made their way back to the pack, and I was left with fourtotally different cards. I have heard it said of an unusually skilful Americanthief that he was clever enough to steal a man's back-teeth without hisknowing it. This I had hitherto considered to be merely a specimen ofYankee hyperbole, but, compared to M. Ledoyen's performance, I should

Chapter XV


regard it as almost a second-rate feat of dexterity.

When the extempore performance was over, and Monsieur Ledoyen hadsettled down to a glass of whiskey-and-water and a cigar, he said,addressing me:-"And you; you make card-trick?" I assured him with greattruth that my accomplishments in that line were extremely limited. "Nomatter-r-r," he said, "show me vat you do. Show me how you make pass." Iexecuted the movement in question, which is the backbone of allcard-conjuring, but my performance did not give him satisfaction. If he hadsuddenly swallowed a large mouthful of unripe gooseberries hiscountenance could hardly have expressed more disgust. "Ah-h-h!" heexclaimed, gnashing his teeth, and snatching the cards out of my hand, "Vatfor you make like that? You break my hear-r-t!" and really, for the moment,I feared I had done the poor man some serious injury. "You must not dolike dis;-You do like dis!" He himself executed the same sleight for myinstruction, but I did not gain much by it, for so light and delicate was themovement, that it was practically invisible, and I had to take quite on trustthat it had been made at all. Professor Vosper laughed, "You'll have to do ita little slower than that, Ledoyen, if you mean Hazard to profit by yourlesson." The old Frenchman accordingly repeated the same movement veryslowly, and I was able to see wherein my own execution had been faulty."You must not do like dat!" he continued-the expression of disgust onlyfading by slow degrees from his face. "You go away from London soon-is itnot? When you come back, some day, I teach you trick myself."

Imagine the feelings of a young musical aspirant, if Rubenstein were tooffer to give him a few lessons, and you will have a feeble idea of thedelight excited in me by this dazzling offer. When Monsieur Ledoyen tookhis departure, as he did soon afterwards, I eagerly turned to ProfessorVosper.

"Who is he? Surely he is a most remarkable man. How is it that he does notmake his fortune?"

The Professor laughed. "Fortunes are not made so easily, my dear fellow,and poor old Ledoyen is scarcely the man to make one. You are quite rightas to his being unusually clever in his own line. In card-tricks I know noone to touch him, but an entertainment consisting entirely of card-trickswould be something like making your supper off Worcester-sauce orpickles. The human stomach wouldn't stand it. And in other forms ofconjuring he is nowhere."

"But his card-tricks seem to go beyond ordinary conjuring altogether. Isuppose they really are conjuring, by the way? I notice that he talks aboutspiritisme, and so on."

The Professor laughed. "You don't mean to say you really thought itpossible that he was aided by spirits? That is part of his 'patter.'"

Chapter XV


"Never mind, Mr. Hazard," said Mrs. Vosper, good-naturedly. "Ledoyen'sperformance is really something out of the common. I remember thinkingpretty much the same thing myself when first I saw him give a show, but ofcourse I know better now."

"I like Monsieur Ledoyen," interposed Lily; "he looks so funny, walkingabout the room and tapping the shutters with his great bony knuckles."

"His manner is a good half of the trick," said Mrs. Carrick. "I really believehe tries to look like the 'old gentleman.'"

"I believe he does, Duchess, and very good business, too. I'd give a hundredpounds to have Ledoyen's face and manner."

"If you had, you wouldn't have me," said Mrs. Vosper, "for I should befrightened to live with you. So you'd soon wish your old face back again."

"Don't make too sure about that, old lady," said the Professor: "I've stood alot from you in my time, but even worms will turn, if trodden on longenough and hard enough. You're getting rather heavy, mind you, and if youdid run away, I don't know that this worm would come after you!"

"What, not after the Fairy Violante!" I said.

"Ah, there you have me! No, I don't think I could make up my mind to losethe Fairy Violante. The husband might be adamant, but the artist wouldhave to surrender at discretion. I could not part with my Violante, even forthe sake of Ledoyen's deliciously diabolical physiognomy."

"What countryman is he?" I asked. "A Frenchman, I suppose."

"I cannot say with certainty. French is the language he speaks forpreference, but he will answer you in pretty nearly any European tongue. Idon't fancy he would take a first-class certificate in any of them, but still hecan speak them after a fashion, which is more than most people can do. Heis very clever with his fingers, too, apart from sleight-of-hand. He willprepare a mechanical card with extraordinary perfection. In faking up apack of cards for any special trick, I know nobody to touch him."

"But if, as you say, his divination feats are mere tricks after all, how onearth are they managed?"

"Ah, that is his secret. He has promised to give you a few lessons, and ifyou get the right side of him perhaps you may induce him to let you into themystery. For present purposes I can only tell you that it is the effect of acombination of marked cards, special arrangement of the pack on amathematical principle, an extraordinary mastery of sleight-of-hand, asplendid memory, unfailing nerve, and a ready faculty for mentalarithmetic. Add to these his wonderful manner, and you have the elements

Chapter XV


of Ledoyen's artificial 'spiritisme,' as he calls it. He taught me the systemsome years back, but I have never made any practical use of it."

"And do you ever intend to do so?"

"Possibly, when I have a few years' leisure for working it up thoroughly. Atpresent I intend to go to bed, and I should recommend the present companyto do so likewise."

And we went to bed accordingly.


Chapter XV




CHAPTER XVI.The Sober Side of Conjuring.-A Magician at Rehearsal-Exhausted

Energies.-A Dangerous Remedy.--A Remarkable Hat.-An EnthusiasticAmateur.-Lessons in Magic.-A New Occupation.

A WEEK had passed, and I had fairly settled down in my new occupation.If I had needed the Professor's warning that conjuring was a serious andhard-working occupation, even this short experience would have fullyconvinced me of the fact. Vosper himself, though an expert in his art, rarelylet a day pass without devoting an hour or two to the practice of varioussleight-of-hand movements, simply to maintain his dexterity. I have seenhim by the hour together practise the sleight, which had so puzzled me inthe 'money-catching' trick, of passing a coin between his fingers to the backof his hand, and then into the palm again. By dint of long practice he couldmake the movement so rapidly that he appeared simply to show back andpalm perfectly empty, the coin travelling so fast from the one to the other asto be practically invisible. Sometimes he would roll up a handkerchief intoa ball, "palm" and reproduce it, repeating this same movement manyhundreds of times in succession. At other times he would take a pack ofwell-thumbed cards and practise for hours what is known as the "pass,"(i.e., transposing the top and bottom halves of the pack), sometimes withone hand, sometimes with both, his watch lying the while on the tablebeside him, to enable him to time the rapidity of his performance.Sometimes, again, the subject of his manipulations would be a glass orwooden ball, which was made to disappear and re-appear in the mostbewildering manner. To the members of his family these proceedings werea matter of course; but to any one not in the secret, the spectacle of amiddle-aged and rather stout gentleman standing before a looking-glasswith his coat off, gravely rolling up small pocket-handkerchiefs into littleballs, or swallowing eggs, shell and all, and reproducing them from theback of his head, the heels of his boots, and other parts of his person, wouldprobably have suggested uncomfortable doubts of his sanity, and thepropriety of locking up his razors. I dare say any one coming unexpectedlyon Mr. Irving privately working up points for, say, "The Bells," wouldleave the room in some trepidation. Even "Box and Cox" rehearsedsingle-handed must have rather an uncanny effect, but either of these must

Chapter XVI


yield the palm in eccentricity to a conjurer practising his business. In thecase of a new trick, the rehearsals were still more comprehensive. TheProfessor worked with his head as well as his hands, labouring to producethe ne plus ultra of magical effect, and I have known him toil far into thenight at this occupation. I myself did my best, in a humble way, to followhis example, and under so able an instructor soon found myself makingrapid progress.

This, however, was only a small portion of my daily work. The hall had tobe kept clean, and I had to take my part in this duty, with Gimp and Mrs.Carrick. The whole of the stage preparations were also now placed in myhands. I was proud of the confidence reposed in me, and made it a point ofhonour to deserve it; but I began to understand that the perpetual doing ofthe same little things night after night might in the long run becomesomewhat wearisome. The greatest drawback, however, to the delights ofconjuring was one which must weigh heavily on all whose business it is toentertain the public, namely, that when the time comes, whatever the moodof the performer, whether he be suffering from headache or heartache, orany of the thousand "ills that flesh is heir to," the task has still to be done.The "quips, and cranks, and wreathed smiles" must be forthcoming, eventhough they be drawn from the heart's blood of the performer. I have knownProfessor Vosper on more than one occasion rise from a sick bed to gothrough his nightly task, and still more frequently I know that he wassuffering acute pain from rheumatism or neuralgia, but the audience werenever allowed to suspect the fact. Conjuring at best is extremely hard work,demanding not only the closest vigilance and presence of mind on the partof the performer, but a full and steady flow of animal spirits, a failure inthis particular telling instantly upon the morale of the spectators. Vosperwas not a strong man, and the heavy demands of his profession left himoften terribly weak and exhausted. This exhaustion he was apt to remedy byrecourse to stimulants, never to the point of intoxication, but far enough togive a point to the earnest protest against spirituous liquors, which I hadheard from Mrs. Vosper on the first evening of my arrival.

The remainder of our season at the hall was not very eventful, but it was theoccasion of my making the acquaintance of two rather original characters.One evening after the Professor had been performing the well-known trickof the "inexhaustible hat," in which a number of useful and ornamentalobjects are produced from a borrowed head-piece, a heavycountrified-looking fellow, whose hat chanced to have been used for thepurpose, waited after the performance was over, and asked to see theProfessor. As Vosper at the moment was washing his bands, he told me toascertain what the visitor wanted.

"What do you desire, Sir?" I asked him, in my best manner.

"I ha' come about this yere hat, that all them things come out of. I ha' had

Chapter XVI


this hat a matter o' two year, and I never found none o' them things thatthere chap brought out to-night."

"No, I don't suppose you did."

"I s'pose," (cunningly) "ye mun bide ezackly the right time, till all theythings is ready like?"

"What do you mean? Do you really think the things came there of their ownaccord?"

"Ecod, I reckon they com'd somehow or other. And seeing as how it wasmy hat they come out of, I reckon they belongs to me. So I ha' come for'em."

"But don't you understand, Sir, that those things were all put in by theProfessor, before he could produce them."

"Eh, noa, noa, that's a good un'. Him put 'em in! Why I was a watching 'imthe whoal time. But I don't want to be hard on 'ee. Cry halves, and we'll sayno moor about it."

"Pardon me, I cannot do anything of the kind. The articles belong to theProfessor, and are used every night."

"And ye woan't cry halves?" said the rustic, looking very chapfallen. "Eh,then," (his face brightened as a happy thought struck him), "gi' me a pound,and I'll sell ye the hat."

-=ooOO00OOoo=-

The other individual was a person of a different stamp. He was a youngman of gentlemanly, but scarcely intellectual appearance, with fair hairparted in the middle, and a scanty moustache of a delicate ginger colour,which he every now and then fingered nervously, as if apprehensive thatsomething might have happened to it since his last examination. He wore ahorseshoe scarf-pin set with diamonds, a very high shirt collar, and a doubleeye-glass, which was constantly falling down, and which divided hisattention with his moustache. His efforts to crane his neck far enough overthe collar to get sight of the missing eyeglass, were most amusing. Iremember thinking that were I in his place, I would either wear lowercollars, or a securer eye-glass.

He had visited the performance on several occasions, always sitting in thefront row of the reserved seats, and had attracted my attention, and to acertain extent my respect, by invariably paying silver,-sometimesthreepence, sometimes sixpence-for his programme, and declining to acceptany change. He watched the tricks with extreme interest, but generallymanaged to drop his eye-glass at the critical point. He filled up the intervals

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by sucking the knob of his walking-stick, and verifying the condition of hismoustache as before described.

Two or three times, as he passed me on his way out, he had opened hismouth as if to say something, but thought better of it, and passed on withoutdoing so. I felt that he had something on his mind, and that it would be acharity to help him to unburden it; so, on this happening for the third orfourth time, I said, "I beg your pardon, Sir, you spoke, I think?" He lookedalarmed, and immediately dropped his eye-glass. "Oh no, I didn't sayanything," he replied with a slight lisp. I was determined to bring him to thepoint. "But you were going to say something?" "Well, yes, I mean no-thatis, at-at least," here he dropped his eye-glass again, "I was only going to askwhether Professor Vosper ever gave fellows lessons."

"Yes, he does so now and then," I replied.

"It comes expensive, I suppose?" It struck me that a gentleman with such ascarf pin, and such a shirt collar would probably prefer something that didcome expensive, and I therefore answered cautiously. "Middling," I said;"but I dare say you could arrange that point to your satisfaction. Would youlike to see the Professor?" "Ahem!-yes, no. I think,-I mean I don't think I'llsee him tonight. Sm' other evening, perhaps," and down went the eye-glassagain. I felt that the bird was shy, and if not captured on the spot, mighttake flight and not return. "The Professor will be disengaged in a minute.Shall I give him your card?" The suggestion to give his card appeared tostrike the young man as an expedient on which he might venture, and heaccepted the suggestion with alacrity. I took the card, on which wasinscribed "The Honourable J. Tilbury Topper, Parthenon Club," and carriedit to the Professor in his dressing-room.

"Topper," he said, "don't know the name. Who is he?" "The gentleman whois always trying to swallow his walking-stick," I replied. "He wants to takesome lessons." The Professor nodded. "I might have guessed it," he said."It's a funny thing, the very chap who hasn't intellect enough to sweep out acounting-house, or cut off a yard of ribbon, is just the one who fancieshimself cut out for a conjurer. Well, business is business, if he likes towaste his money. Let's have a look at him." He came out of hisdressing-room, and advanced to Mr. Topper, who became perturbed inspirit, and dropped his eye-glass immediately. The Professor bowed, andwaited for him to open the conversation. Mr. Topper bowed also, butremained rigidly silent. "You were inquiring about lessons, I think," saidthe Professor at last.

"Ya-as," said Mr., Topper, "I don't want to learn the whole bag of tricks,you know, but just one or two little things to astonish the fellows at theclub. They're so jolly conceited, you know, and if a fellow don't happen tobe much of a hand at whist, or billiards, and that sort of thing, they fancy he

Chapter XVI


can't do anything at all, which is ridiculous, you know."

"Very true," said the Professor. "What tricks in particular would you like tolearn?"

"Oh! some simple little thing, like that finding the money in the air, andmaking the half-crowns fly away out of the box. I suppose it's easy enoughwhen you know how it's done."

"That depends, partly on natural capacity, and partly on the time you canafford to give to it. It took me a good many months' practice to work thattrick to my own satisfaction, and the latter part of it, to be effective,requires a stage."

The aspirant's countenance fell, likewise his eye-glass. "Then you don'tthink I could learn it?"

"I don't say that, but I doubt whether it would be worth your While to try.However, there are plenty of good tricks with cards and coins, andhandkerchiefs, which you might learn much more easily, and which wouldequally serve to astonish your friends. For instance-will you oblige me withyour handkerchief? 'This is an ordinary handkerchief, I suppose? I will justblow upon it, and it is no longer an ordinary handkerchief, for it cannot betied in a knot. Look!" The Professor rolled the handkerchief into a rope, andthen tied a knot, or rather began to tie a knot in it in the ordinary way, butwhen he proceeded to pull it tight, the handkerchief was simply drawn outstraight, all signs of a knot having disappeared. The process was repeatedseveral times, but always with the same result.

"Bai Jove! that's awfully good," said the Honourable Tilbury Topper.

"Now, I will reverse the charm," said the Professor, taking one corner of thehandkerchief in each hand, and holding it extended. "By simply blowing onthe centre of the handkerchief, I make a knot appear on it." There was awave of movement along the handkerchief, and a large knot appeared on itscentre.

"Bai Jove!" said the Honourable, dropping his eye-glass once more, "that'sawfully jolly; that would astonish the fellows no end. But I suppose it isawfully difficult."

"Look," said the Professor, "it's all in the way in which I hold thehandkerchief. You see the right-hand end passes outwards between the firstand second fingers, and the left-hand end inwards. You just bring yourhands together, so, and with the right finger and thumb catch hold of theleft-hand end, and with the left finger and thumb of the right-hand end; thenpull, and your knot is made."

"But you didn't bring your hands together like that just now."

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"Didn't I? I did though. The quickness of the hand deceives the eye, youknow. That's how it's done, Sir!"

"Bai Jove! I must learn that, if it isn't too awfully expensive. What are, whatis-I mean how much do you teach a trick like that for?"

"My terms are half-a-guinea a lesson," said Vosper. "Of course you cantake as many, or as few as you like. How much you learn in the time willdepend on yourself."

"Bai Jove! I'll begin to-morrow," said the Honourable. "I'll come to youdirectly after breakfast, say two o'clock, or half-past two."

And accordingly the next day the Honourable J. Tilbury Topper came andtook his first lesson. It is generally considered that the patriarch Job hadexhausted all possible trials of patience, but this is clearly an error,inasmuch as he never tried to teach the Honourable Tilbury Topperconjuring. I would not have believed, if I had not seen it with my own eyes,that any one with a head on his shoulders could have been so denselystupid, or that any one with the ordinary allowance of fingers and thumbscould have been so phenomenally clumsy. He tried trick after trick, andgave up each as too difficult, but still he was not discouraged. In the middleof the lesson, he said,

"I say, Professah! I've an ideah! I fancy I could do bettah, you know, if Iwas to smoke."

"By all means," said the Professor, "if you wish it."

Greatly delighted, Mr. Topper lighted a cigar, and handed another to theProfessor, and the remainder of the lessons were generally spent in thismanner;-Mr. Topper with a cigar in his mouth, gravely making the motionof transferring a coin from his right hand to his left, and twice out of threetimes dropping it in transit. Indeed the greater part of his earlier lessons wasspent on his hands and knees, groping under the table for missinghalfcrowns. If by any chance he did not let fall the coin, he was pretty sureto drop either his cigar or the eye-glass. He appeared to consider, however,that he was making very fair progress, and paid up his half-guineas with theutmost cheerfulness, regarding himself as amply repaid if the Professorwould only "talk conjuring," and explain to him the secrets of some of thebest known stage tricks, which however he forgot after a day or two ascompletely as if he had never known them. His only regret was that theProfessor's early departure from London would cut short the lessons, and hediscussed the feasibility of joining us at some convenient halting place, inorder to continue his prestidigitatural studies.

Meanwhile, the Professor was making me useful in a new capacity. It willbe remembered that he inquired, when engaging me, whether I had anyknowledge of French. His own knowledge in that direction was extremely

Chapter XVI


limited. He did not hesitate when occasion required to give anentertainment in that language, but he used to boast, and I believe withjustice, that it was the very worst French in the profession. His "patter" insuch cases was prepared for him beforehand, and committed to memory. Sofar, he was on pretty safe ground, but when, as occasionally happened, hewas compelled to extemporise a sentence, his attempts were of the mostexcruciating description. He had however got together a pretty goodcollection of French conjuring books, and I was set to translate for himportions of these, as he found that he now and then picked up a valuablehint in this manner. To myself the task was a labour of love, for at that timethe greatest masterpiece in literature, the most thrilling story of adventure,the most romantic tale of a lover and his lass would not have had for meone tithe of the attraction I found in even a fifth-rate book on conjuring.The work did me good moreover, apart from the knowledge I thus acquiredof conjuring matters. My intense devotion to my task, and desire tounderstand the exact meaning of every sentence greatly increased myfamiliarity with French, and for my own amusement I compiled the spokenportion of an entertainment in that language, which afterwards proved veryuseful to me.


Chapter XVI




CHAPTER XVIIStarting for a Country Tour--Brighton--Walks with Lily--The Professor's

Religious Opinions--A Visit to Oxford--A Liar Exposed--Reaction.

OUR London season came to an end very shortly after I had joined theProfessor, and meanwhile my whereabouts had remained unsuspected bymy friends. Professor Vosper called my attention to an advertisement in the"agony column" of the Times (addressed more particularly to hairdressers),assuring R. H. that if he would return to his home, all would be forgiven. Iwas very willing to be forgiven so far as my mother was concerned, but Ifeared that Uncle Bumpus might insist on forgiving me also, and receivingme into the detested drapery establishment. I therefore contented myselfwith writing to my mother, assuring her that I was perfectly happy andcomfortable, but giving her no clue to my address or occupation, and inorder that the post-mark should not tell tales, I posted my letter atKnightsbridge. This circumstance, I afterwards learnt, was used by Jemimain support of her own theory that I had enlisted in the Life Guards, whohappened at that time to be quartered in Knightsbridge Barracks.

Our first halting place was Brighton, where we remained for some weeks.Here we were joined, after a short interval, by the Honourable TilburyTopper, who at once recommenced his studies in prestidigitation, anddropped his eye-glass and his halfcrowns as pertinaciously as ever. Ourentertainment was very well supported, and our sojourn altogetherextremely pleasant. My afternoons were at my own disposal, and Igenerally spent them in a stroll with Lily and Tip, with both of whom I was,by this time, fast friends; indeed Lily and myself were almost like brotherand sister. The precise position which Tip occupied in the trio I will notattempt to decide; nominally he belonged to Lily; but practically it wouldrather appear that both Lily and myself belonged to him. This wasunquestionably his own view of the matter. The manner in which he wouldtake the direction of our promenades, and calmly insist on going downstreets, and up hills, and into fields which we had not the smallest intentionof visiting, clearly indicated him as the leader of the party. If we did notfollow quite as quickly as he pleased, he would stand and look over hisshoulder in an impatient manner, tapping the ground with his foot, just as

Chapter XVII


some testy old paterfamilias might have rapped with his stick under similarcircumstances. If he had whistled for us to hurry up I should hardly havebeen surprised. He pursued bluebottles and butterflies with the energy ofthe most ardent entomologist, and on one occasion chased a young rabbit,and laid it with great pride at Lily's feet. Lily's tender heart was deeplydistressed at the thought that the poor little rabbit should have been hurt,and on this occasion she asserted her supremacy. She scolded Tip soseverely for his conduct that the misguided animal was stricken withremorse, and tucking his tail between his legs, went straight home to aretired spot under the sofa, which was his accustomed refuge when indisgrace. Fortunately the little rabbit was more frightened than hurt; Lilycarried it home and made a great pet of it, and it ultimately attained theproud position of being magically produced from borrowed hats and othereccentric hiding-places, in the course of the Professor's entertainments.

These long afternoon walks over the breezy Sussex downs gave me a newinsight into the character of my sweet little friend and sister. There are somenatures in which Religion seems to be a natural instinct, a plant divinelysown, and Lily's was one of them.

I remember on one occasion asking her father what was his religiouspersuasion, as he seemed to attend indifferently the services of high churchor low church, chapel or cathedral. His reply was characteristic. "My dearboy, I'm what you may call a here-and-there-ian. I have a notion that peoplemake far too much fuss about small varieties of creed. Christ died for all ofus, not specially for high church or low church, protestant or catholic. Ibelieve if I am to get to Heaven it will be through Him, quite irrespective ofwhether I say my Sunday prayers in a church or in a chapel. There's acouple of lines I once read in some piece of poetry, I don't rightly rememberwhat it was, but it was about some poor girl who had gone wrong--

"Owning her weakness, her evil behaviour,And leaving, with meekness, her sins to her Saviour."

That's my religion." And I believe that he faithfully followed out his creed.

Mrs. Vosper's religious belief was not very far removed from her husband's."Religious?" she said, when the subject was alluded to one day. "No, Isuppose I'm not what you would call a religious woman. I haven't time todo much in the church-going line, except on Sundays; but I try to do myduty in a humble way, and I'm truly thankful to the good God who helps meto do it, and gives me my daily bread." Add to this a brave, cheerful, helpfulspirit, unswerving truthfulness, and a charity which knew no bounds, andyou have Mrs. Vosper's religion as fully as the most elaborate confession offaith could give it.

With parents of such broad views, it was hardly to be supposed that Lily'smind would be much troubled with the niceties of creeds. She had been

Chapter XVII


faithfully taught as to the Great Sacrifice which is the foundation ofChristianity, and round that great central fact had grown up, in the child'smind, a sweet poetic faith. To her Christ was no mere historical personage,who had lived and died far back in the past, but a present reality, a personalfriend, whose face she could picture, whose affection she could trust, andlove to whom, in a shy, tender way, was the guiding principle of herinnocent life. Her manual of devotion was a little much-worn book ofhymns. I was surprised to find how many of them she knew by heart;-learnt, not as tasks, but for the genuine delight she took in them. Aninstinctive taste, strange in one so young, seemed to have guided her to thegems of the collection. Boys of seventeen are rarely enthusiastic admirersof sacred song, and I was no exception to the rule, but some of the happiesthours I have ever known were spent on the Sussex downs, sprawling inwhat I fear was a very ungainly attitude at Lily's feet, while she repeatedsome of her special favourites. The noble poetry of such masterpieces as"Lead, kindly light," "Abide with me," and "Nearer to Thee," set to themusic of Lily's sweet childish voice, found somehow an answering chord inmy own nature, and awakened aspirations after good which have neverforsaken me. Even now the sound of a sheep-bell and the scent of a patch ofheather will bring back to me the tones of Lily's voice, and the words ofsome favourite hymn. At such times I believe she often forgot my presencealtogether. With her chin resting on her hand (a favourite attitude with her),she would sit with a far-away look in her clear blue eyes, thinking aloud, asit seemed, one after another of her favourites, till the lengthening shadowswarned us that it was time to be moving homewards, and with a shake ofher long fair hair she would throw off her dreamy mood, and be again onlya light-hearted merry child.

From Brighton we passed to Hastings, and one or two otherwatering-places, after which we visited two or three inland towns, comingat last to Oxford, where the Professor had arranged to give a short series ofperformances. I had long had a great desire to visit the noble old Universitytown, associated with so many historic memories, and through which somuch of the best blood of England has flowed, in some cases to highesthonour, in some to the martyr's doom. Nor was I disappointed. I cannot saythat I found any visible traces of Alfred or Canute, who are said to haveresided in the city, or of William the Conqueror, who took it by storm, but Isaw at least the spot where Wicliffe preached, and the cross in the roadwayin front of Balliol College, where the three martyrs of the Reformationsuffered death at the stake, and, in the words of brave old Latimer, lightedthe "candle which should never be put out." I trod with delight the fine oldHigh Street, a panorama of architectural beauties. I strolled round thewater-walk of Magdalen, and under the spreading elms of Christ Church. Iknelt with delight in the ancient college chapels, with their sweet-voicedchoristers, their stalls of carved oak, and their "storied panes," where therobes of saint and apostle cast rich stains of purple and crimson on the

Chapter XVII


sunlit pavement. I admired the sculptured effigies of Walter de Merton,William of Wykeham, Nicholas and Dorothy Wadham, and the other deadand gone "founders and benefactors" whose gifts, in the far-away past, havemade Oxford what it is to-day. I was especially delighted with theceremony of conferring degrees, and the comical rush of the Proctor up anddown the hall, to give any unpaid tradesman the opportunity of plucking athis gown, and so recording his caveat against the granting of the degree tohis impecunious debtor. Altogether my stay in Oxford was a very delightfulexperience, and one to be marked with the whitest of white stones.

The Professor's performances were a great success, though theundergraduates made rather a turbulent audience. They were good-naturedenough, but quick to resent any fancied slight or disrespect on the part of anentertainer; and when irritated, their wrath was apt to take rather a noisyform, and occasionally to result in the storming of the platform and the routof the performer. At one of the Professor's performances an incident tookplace which looked for a little while as if it were likely to take thisuntoward turn. Shortly after the commencement of the performance a partyof eight or ten undergraduates came rather boisterously into the front seats.They had evidently come from a "wine," or dessert-party following theusual dinner in Hall, a frequent form of entertainment at Oxford. None ofthem could fairly be called intoxicated, but they were what the Collegeservants call "pleasant," and ripe for a row. They forthwith began to annoytheir neighbours and the quieter portion of the audience by audiblyexpressed remarks, ostentatious inattention, or ironical applause, shufflingwith their feet, and generally making themselves conspicuous. TheProfessor bore the annoyance for some time, but, at last, seeing that acouple of ladies, who had been seated near the offenders, and had beengrowing visibly more and more nervous, finally left the hall, he couldcontain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he said, looking straight at the offenders, "some of you, itwould appear, have come here to-night rather with the intention ofannoying others than of deriving amusement from the performance. Itwould be a disrespect to the rest of my audience were I to tolerate that stateof things. I must ask gentlemen coming here to behave as gentlemen. If theentertainment does not please them they are quite at liberty to retire, andtheir money shall be returned to them."

The disturbers looked very savage, but the applause that arose from all partsof the hall showed them that public sympathy was with the speaker, andthey did not make any open demonstration. It struck me, however, that theywere only biding their time, and would create trouble if they could findopportunity. The Professor was about to perform the well-known stage featof catching a drawn card on the point of a sword. He came forward, cards inhand, with the remark, "I shall now ask some gentleman to be good enoughto. take a card from this pack."

Chapter XVII


One of the noisy party rather rudely reached across his immediateneighbours, and said:-

"Here, I'm your man; let me have a draw."

The Professor complied. The young man drew a card, glanced at it assecretly as possible, and replaced it in the pack. The card drawn, accordingto the pre-arranged course of the trick, was the Knave of Diamonds. TheProfessor returned to his platform, and said:

"I shall now have to ask the assistance of some other gentleman, to come onthe platform and throw the pack in the air, when I shall endeavour to catchthe chosen card upon the point of this sword."

A volunteer was soon found, the pack was shuffled, and the cards flung inthe air. The Professor made a lunge among them with his rapier, and a cardwas seen impaled on its point. The Professor offered it to the drawer.

"Here is your card, sir, the Knave of Diamonds."

"That isn't my card," said the young man, with the utmost assurance, "thecard I drew was the Ten of Spades."

Vosper knew, and so did I, that he was telling a falsehood, but the audiencedid not, and they naturally believed that the trick had failed. The Professorwas not at all the man to accept an undeserved defeat. He said:-

"Ladies and gentlemen, you shall be my judges. Allow me to assure youthat the card this gentlemen drew was the Knave of Diamonds, and noneother."

"You're a liar!" shouted his antagonist.

Instantly there was a scene of the greatest turmoil. There were cries of"Shame!" and "Order!" Many stood up and began taking part in an excitedway, some with the Professor, some with his opponent. The general feelingseemed to be with the performer, but there is a strong esprit de corps amongundergraduates, and many were inclined, not unnaturally, to think it morelikely that the Professor should have made a mistake than that a member oftheir own body should wilfully mis-state a fact, for, of course, there was noroom for mistake on his side of the question. After a few moments oftumult, however, the Professor holding up his hand managed to obtaincomparative silence.

"At present," he said "it is merely word against word, my honour againstthat gentleman's" (with a strong ironical emphasis). "But I am ready tofurnish proof of my assertion. Here is the pack of cards from which hedrew," and he took the pack from his pocket, where he had placed it afterexchanging it for an ordinary pack. "It is what is known as a "forcing" pack,and contains nothing but Knaves of Diamonds. You can therefore judge for

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yourselves whether any other card could have been drawn." This carriedcomplete conviction to the minds of the greater number present, but aminority, reluctant to believe that a member of the university could havewilfully lied, still maintained the theory of mistake, and that a Ten ofSpades must by some accident have become mixed up with the Knaves ofDiamonds. The hero of the incident and his party, feeling the weakness oftheir case, endeavoured to carry it off by bluster, and abused the Professorin no measured terms, as endeavouring to cover his own failure by anunfounded imputation against a member of the "Varsity." Altogether therow was tremendous, when a clear voice rising above the confusionsuddenly said:-

"Silence! for one moment, if you please."

All turned to look at the speaker, a grey-haired, quiet-looking gentleman,whom I afterwards ascertained to be a very distinguished professor andlecturer, second to none in the respect in which he was held in theuniversity. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "many of you know me, and Ithink you will take my word. I chanced to be seated, as you see,immediately behind the person who drew the card, and I can assure you,without hesitation, that it was a Knave of Diamonds. To what college thisgentleman belongs I do not know, but I am profoundly thankful that he doesnot belong to mine." .

There were cries of "Hear, hear!" "Liar!" "Cad!" "Shame!" mingled withcheers for Professor Vosper, and for the worthy Don who had borne suchvaluable testimony. These finally merged into a general cry of "Turn himout!" "Out with him!"

A score of stalwart arms were immediately outstretched, and in less timethan it takes to tell it, the convicted liar was passed over the heads of thecompany, and flung out upon the staircase like a beaten cur, carrying withhim the hearty contempt of all present.

The little sensation created by the occurrence soon subsided, and theperformance proceeded. The Professor surpassed himself, and the eveningwas a magnificent success, but the excitement told severely upon him. Hereached his lodgings completely exhausted, and looking like the ghost ofhimself. He could eat nothing, but made up for it by taking a doubleallowance of whiskey-and-water, to the manifest distress of his wife; andwhen he finally retired to bed his utterance was thick and indistinct, and hisgait unsteady. Mrs. Vosper tried to help him up the stairs, but her aid wasinsufficient, and he hiccupped out: "Here, Dick, ole f'ler, give me a helpin'hand." With Mrs. Vosper's assistance I got him up to his room, where hestumbled into an armchair, and proclaimed his intention of stopping thereall night. His wife did not reproach him, but I shall never forget her whiteface and grieved eyes as she wished me good-night, saying, with a voice

Chapter XVII


full of heart-break, "Oh, Dick, pray God that no one you love may everbecome subject to the curse of drink!"

And I said with all my heart, "Amen!"


Chapter XVII




CHAPTER XVIII.Crossing the Channel.-A Life on the Ocean Wave.- Gimp on Steamboat

Travelling.-A Visit to Ostend.-The Chevalier d'Arras.-Poor FredHoward.-A Tragical History.-Pointing a Moral.

OUR visit to Oxford was followed by others of shorter duration--andvarying considerably in the amount of support obtained--to sundry otherprovincial towns. On the whole, our success did not come up to theProfessor's expectations, and he finally decided to cross the Channel, and totry his fortune on the Continent. Ostend was to be our first stopping-place,followed by Bruges, Ghent, and Brussels, with an ultimate descent on Paris.I had arranged the "patter," or libretto, for an entertainment in French, andall our spare time was devoted to working it up. I cannot say it was a goodlibretto-indeed, I am rather inclined to suspect, judging from the laughterwith which it was generally received by our foreign audiences, that it was,at the outset, rather the reverse. If they had laughed at the right places itwould not have so much mattered, but, with provoking regularity, theylaughed at the serious parts, while my intended "jokes" appeared to passaltogether unnoticed. This, however, with the aid of one or twogood-natured foreign friends, I soon rectified. Meanwhile, in any case, Ihad the consolation of knowing that it was a good deal better than theProfessor could have done by his own unaided efforts, his French beingvery much like the English of that eminent Portuguese pundit, Don Pedrode Fonseca, the talented author of "English as She is Spoke." He wasperfectly sensible of his deficiency, but it did not disturb him in the least;indeed, with an extra half-hour for preparation, I believe he would haveundertaken to perform before a tribe of Choctaw Indians, or a party oflong-tailed Chinese, in their native tongue. Before a French audience hewas quite at home, and "Madame, voolly voo oblijay mol de draw a card"sounded from his lips almost like pure Parisian. A good deal, no doubt,depended upon his pantomime, which was so good that nobody ever failedto understand him.

At last the eventful day arrived, when, taking boat at London Bridge, westarted for Ostend. It was my first sea-trip, and I looked forward to it withdelighted anticipation, tempered by a faint streak of apprehension. For some

Chapter XVIII


hours-the river portion -the journey was delightful. I felt every inch a sailor,and almost inclined to run away once more and join Peter in a life on theocean wave. I had even been singing, by request, a well known song to theeffect that I was Afloat and the Rover was Free, and the Professor and thewhole strength of the company joined in the chorus. All went well till wehad passed the Nore, when it suddenly struck me that the boat was going agood deal more up and down than it had hitherto done, or than any decent,sober-minded boat need have thought of doing. At first I did not mind itmuch, and continued my song, though in rather a minor key, but theplunging motion began to increase. There was a downward swoop, and Ifelt as if my boots were coming into my mouth; then an upward heave, andmy head appeared to sink into my boots; then a sideways rush which landedme against the side of the vessel, and there I remained, in anything butblissful contemplation, until we were in harbour on the other side. I will notattempt to describe my sensations. Any reader who has sufferedsea-sickness knows exactly what it is, and has no need to be reminded. Hewho has not suffered sea-sickness does not know what it is, and no amountof description will give him even a faint idea of its miseries. The funniestand most aggravating part of it, to my mind, is the queer hap-hazard fashionin which it selects its victims. Poor Mrs. Carrick was half dead ere welanded, and looked like the mummy of a deceased pew-opener. TheProfessor had suffered to some extent, though in a less degree, while Mrs.Vosper and Lily enjoyed a total immunity, and were even playfullyincredulous, in a good-natured way, as to the extent of our sufferings. Wewere all so engrossed with our own concerns that nobody thought of Gimp,who had betaken himself to another part of the steamer, but he wasultimately discovered under the tarpaulin which covered the luggage, andcrept out more dead than alive, and with a face whose colour reminded meof a loved and lost (and very dirty) box-wood top which had once been oneof my most cherished possessions.

"Oh, governor," he said, addressing the Professor, "ain't it orful? Neveragain! Not for Me. It ain't good enough. No more of your blamed ships forme. When I go home I'll go by rail, or, if I can't afford that, I'll tramp it."

"You won't be able to do that, I'm afraid," said the Professor, with a sicklysmile.

"I'll try, governor, anyhow. Shanks's pony ain't much of a horse, but hedon't gobwobble your inside out like these plaguey ships does. Oh, lor! mypoor innards!"

"'A sea of troubles,' isn't it, Gimp?" said the Professor, but, for once, even aShakesperean quotation failed to elicit a response from Gimp.

"Never mind, Gimp," said Mrs. Vosper, kindly. "You'll be all right as soonas you get on shore."

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"All right, mum? Me all right! Never no more. What's all the world to aman when he's lost his innards?" Ill as most of the party felt, Gimp'sconviction that he had parted with the whole of his digestive arrangementswas too much for us, and we burst into a general chorus of laughter. Gimpwithdrew in high dudgeon, and was scarcely appeased until, half-an-hourlater, he was set down before a juicy biftek aux pommes and a bock of beer,and was able to satisfy himself by that practical test that his digestiveapparatus had survived the shock of his recent experiences.

Our performances in Ostend were fairly successful. Vosper was hampered alittle by the necessity of addressing his audience in an unaccustomedlanguage, and seemed at first to lose a good deal of the ease and aplombwhich had contributed so much to the success of his English performances.This, however, quickly wore off, and after the first fortnight or so theperformances were running as smoothly as ever, the Professor's queerFrench and occasional blunders rather adding zest to the entertainment. The"Second Sight" portion of the entertainment was for the time beingdiscontinued. Lily had not been very well of late, and it was thoughtdesirable to give her a rest. Moreover, the special code by which the trickwas worked was only adapted for performances in English, and would havehad to be completely remodelled and, indeed, learned anew by theperformers for use in any other language.

At one of the evening performances a tall and rather distinguished lookingman, in a fur-collared coat, and wearing a moustache and long imperial,after the Napoleonic fashion, presented his card, on which was inscribed"Chevalier D'Arras." I recognised the name as that of a rivalprestidigitateur, and, in accordance with the accustomed courtesy of theprofession, gave him one of the best seats. I had taken him to be a foreigner,but as he passed out, he asked me, in unmistakably native English, "Whereis your governor hanging out?" I gave him the address. "All right," he said."Give him my card, and tell him I will look him up presently."

Accordingly, scarcely had we reached our lodgings after the performance,when the Chevalier D'Arras was announced. Professor Vosper received himvery cordially. We partook of a light supper, and then, the ladies havingretired, we lighted our cigarettes, and the two conjurers began to exchangeconfidences as to their respective doings since they had last met. I made amove to withdraw, thinking that they might prefer to be alone, but Vospergood-naturedly stopped me. "Don't run away," he said, "Hazard, you're oneof us now, you know, and you may as well learn all you can of the ups anddowns of the profession. Conjuring isn't always money in both pockets, isit, d'Arras?"

"You may well say that," rejoined his friend. "And you get bowled oversometimes just when things seem to be going smoothest. Look at that awfulaffair of mine at Antwerp. I was doing the best of business, crowded houses

Chapter XVIII


every night, when crac! comes my poor lad's misfortune, and from that timeeverything went wrong. In less than a month I had to shut up my theatre."

"What affair are you referring to? I have never heard any thing about it."

"The death of my poor boy, Fred Howard. Surely you heard of it? It was inall the continental papers."

"I'm afraid we benighted cockneys don't see much of the continental papers.At any rate I must plead ignorance. Suppose you tell us the story."

"I have no objection, but I warn you it isn't a very cheerful one. Indeed, Idon't care to talk very often about the matter. I was performing, as I toldyou, in a pretty little theatre, and was doing very well indeed, particularlywith a dark seance, which took place on the stage after the regularperformance, my wife acting as medium. My theatre occupied the groundfloor, entresol, and floor above, and above that I had my own rooms whereI lived with my family. Next door, on the ground-floor, was a little shopwhere I sold magical apparatus. I had a lad with me named Fred Howard, tosell programmes and make himself generally useful, and a sharp youngchap he was, a cockney born and bred, as cheeky as a London sparrow, andup to anything. You must remember him, Vosper. He was with me when Iwas performing at the Philharmonic Hall."

"A little dark fellow with curly hair, and rather a Jewish cast of features. Isthat the lad, you mean?" said Vosper.

"That's the chap. Well, I had had him with me in London, and when I wentto Antwerp he wrote to me, saying he was out of a berth, and asking me tolet him come over. I was rather shy of the idea at first, because he knewnothing of the language, but ultimately I agreed to let him come, and to givehim a pound a week. I declare the very first night he sold half as manyprogrammes again as the Belgian chap I had before him."

"How did he manage that, not knowing the language?"

"Oh, he soon got to know enough for that. 'Governor,' says he, what's theFrench for 'this way?' 'Par ici,' I said. And 'programme?' 'Same word,' I toldhim. And 'how much?' 'Combien.' And ' a penny?' 'Deux sous.' And 'whatyou please?' 'Comme vous voulez.' 'All right,' he said. 'That's good enough.'So he practised a bit till he got 'em to rights, and at night, there he was-'Parici, Madame;' 'Par ici, Mounseer ;' 'Programme, Madame.' He would leavethe programme in the lady's hand, and be off with his 'Par ici,' to some oneelse, and do the same business again. Then he would come back to the firstlot with a smile and a bow, and stand waiting till they looked up, and thenhe would say 'Programme,' again. The lady or the gentleman would say'Combien?' and he would say 'Comme vous voulez,' in his comicalEnglish-French way, and many a time he would get half-a-franc instead ofthe regular penny."

Chapter XVIII


"A hint for you, Hazard," said Vosper, nodding at me.

"I'm taking a note of it," I replied, with another nod.

"Then again," resumed d'Arras, "my pianist used to play the newest Englishmusic, 'Sweethearts' Waltz,' or 'My Queen,' and such like, not known overthere, and Howard would sell copies of the music to any one who wanted it.One way and another I daresay he picked up thirty shillings a week inaddition to the pound I paid him, and he cut a swell, I can tell you. Firstthing, he must have over a new ulster coat from England, to swell about onthe "Place Verte." Then, as ill-luck would have it, the pianist that I had firstleft me and went back to England. I got another, a Miss Annie Sims, andwhat must that fool of a boy do but go and fall in love with her, though shemust have been nearly twice his age. He began to bother her when she wasat the theatre practising, and to follow her home, till it got to be quite anannoyance to her, and she complained to me about it. I gave Master Fred awigging, but it didn't do much good. And then he got into racketty ways. Alot of English swells used to come to my theatre, and of course they spottedFred for an Englishman, for he only knew just a few sentences of French.And then he would get into conversation with them, and ask them how theyliked Antwerp. Very often it came out that they didn't know much of theplace and found it slow, and he would volunteer to show them a thing ortwo, and it would end by his going the rounds with them after theperformance, visiting the night-houses, and being up half the night drinkingchampagne and that, and of course the next morning he'd look half dead,with red eyes, and be fit for nothing."

"It's a poor look-out when a young fellow once takes to that sort of thing,"said the Professor.

"Yes, when a lad once gets on that road there isn't much hope of him. I didwhat I could. I gave him a talking to once or twice, for I could see plainenough that he was getting into bad ways, and Miss Sims complained againthat he was still bothering her, and told me that either he would have toleave or she must. Well, things were like this when the crash came. I shouldtell you that his hours were like this. First thing in the morning he had tosweep out the theatre and tidy things up, then from ten to twelve he was inthe ticket-office at the entrance, selling tickets. Twelve to two was hisdinner-hour, and during that time I came down and made my stagearrangements, which I always did myself, for the evening's performance.Being in the theatre I was close to the ticket-office, and if anybody rang thebell I was at hand to attend to them. From two o'clock he was in thebox-office till four, and then he was free till the evening. At two o'clock Ialways went up to my own rooms and got my dinner with my family.

"Well, one day, he went out at twelve as usual, but instead of getting backat two he made it nearly a quarter to three. Meanwhile I had done my work

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on the stage, and my dinner was getting cold, but I couldn't leave till hecame back. As you may imagine I wasn't in the best of tempers, and whenhe did come back I gave him a bit of blowing up, and my oppositeneighbour, Madame Veron, saw and heard me giving it to him, and it mighthave gone hard with me in consequence, as you will find. He took all I saidto him without making much reply, but I gathered that he had been round toMiss Sims'. I gave it him pretty hot, and then I went upstairs to my dinner,leaving him in the office below.

"I had had my dinner and lighted my pipe, and was sitting on a corner of thetable talking to the wife of my advertisement manager, Madame Gaspard,who had just looked in, when we hard a loud bang in the theatre below.'Mon Dieu! what's that? ' says Madame Gaspard. 'Some tomfoolery ofFred's, I expect,' I said; 'larking with one of the pistols.' 'Hadn't you bettergo down and see?' says my wife; 'there might have been some accident.' Ididn't think much of the matter. I had two small pistols, which were readyloaded for the evening's performance, but only with powder. I hadn't abullet in the place, so I felt pretty sure there couldn't be much harm done.However, to satisfy my wife and Madame Gaspard, I went down. The stairsled into the audience part of the theatre, and when I got there I could seenothing, for it was all but dark, being only lighted up at night. There was asort of sky-light, but that was kept covered up with tarpaulins. You couldjust see to move about, and that was all.

"When I got down it was all quiet enough, but I smelt something burning. Isniffed, and sniffed, and moved about among the seats, but there wasnothing wrong there, and then I went up the two or three steps leading fromthe front to the stage. Sniff, sniff, the smell of burning came stronger, andas my eyes got accustomed to the darkness I could see somebody orsomething lying on the stage, right in front of my centre-table. I was a bitstartled, but I made up my mind it was some tomfoolery of Fred's, for hewas always play-acting, and making-believe one thing or another. 'Get up,you fool,' I said, 'what are you doing there?' but he made no answer, only asort of hard, sobbing breathing, 'er, er, er,' and I saw that the front of hisshirt was smouldering. I stooped over him and put it out. Still I only thoughthe had had an accident and given himself some trifling hurt, for a man can'tvery well shoot himself without a bullet. But when I put the fire out I couldfeel my hand all wet, and still he made no sound except that awfulbreathing. Even then I thought it was an accident, but I knew it must besomething serious. I rushed out to get a doctor, and as I got into the light Isaw my hands were all bloody. I did not know where to find a doctor, but Irushed over to my neighbour, Madame Veron, the same that had seen mejacketing Fred, and said, 'A doctor. I want a doctor; Fred has had anaccident with a pistol, and I'm afraid he's badly hurt.' She gave me a queerkind of look, for, as she told me afterwards, she thought I had shot him; butshe sent one of her apprentices for a doctor. He wasn't long coming, and

Chapter XVIII


with him came a Commissary of Police and a couple of gens d'armes, Iexpect Madame Veron had given them the tip,"

"Rather a serious position," said Vosper, as the Chevalier paused to lightanother cigarette.

"Serious! you may well say so. It might have been a very narrow squeak,but it never struck me at the time that I could be suspected. We went intothe theatre, and the Commissary and the doctor went up on the stage, and Istood with the gens d'armes just below. I listened for the hard breathing, butcouldn't hear it any longer, and then the doctor said something which Icouldn't catch to the Commissary, and the Commissary took off his cap, andthe two gens d'armes, seeing him, did the same. I never thought till thatmoment that the poor lad was more than hurt, but I knew that meant Death.I turned quite sick and faint, and with that the Commissary of Police wentoff to report, I suppose, to the Judge of Instruction or some such officer,telling me I must stay where I was till he returned. He locked the doors, andleft me with the gens d'armes. Presently there came a knocking, and I heardthe voice of Gaspard, my agent, asking to come in. I told him the door waslocked, but he could come in through the shop, next-door. And so he did,and he brought in with him a great, scrawly, ill-spelt letter, written by poorFred and addressed to Miss Sims, which he had found on the counter in theshop. It said he couldn't live without her, and as she wouldn't have anythingto say to him, and others had come between them (I have a notion thatmeant me, but I'll swear he had no cause for it) he had made up his mind tokill himself for her sake, and wishing her good-bye for ever, and all that. Inever thought the poor boy had so much sentiment in him. He was prettydetermined, too, for down behind the counter we found a lot of littlecuttings of lead. We found afterwards that he had been to a gunsmith'sasking the price of a revolver, and he must have picked up a big bullet, ofwhich there were a lot on the counter, and cut it smaller and smaller till itwould go into one of my little conjuring pistols. Of course, after that, thepolice knew I had no hand in it, and they didn't trouble me about the matter.Madame Gaspard, too, testified that I was upstairs in my own room whenwe heard the report of the pistol.

"The bullet hadn't touched any vital part, but it went clean through thechest, and the loss of blood killed him. He lay in a regular pool of it, justopposite my centre-table, on my beautiful new carpet, and nothing wouldget the stain out. We shut up the theatre for ten days, and when we openedagain I had to stop the Dark Seance, which had been the principalattraction, for my little woman said she couldn't sit there in the dark raisingmake-believe spirits, knowing that that stain was just under her feet, and thepoor boy's blood scarcely dry in the carpet. She declared it would give herthe horrors, and she should fancy him lying there still. And I hadn't muchheart to perform, myself. It didn't seem decent to be standing there,cracking jokes and rattling off one's patter just on the very spot where the

Chapter XVIII


poor lad had killed himself. And of course the story got talked about. Itbrought a few, I daresay, out of curiosity, but it kept more away, and after aweek or two I turned it up, and made a fresh start in another place. Andthat's the true history of poor Fred Howard."

"And Miss Sims," I asked, "what became of her?"

"That's more than I can tell you. I think she felt the poor lad's death a goodbit, though he had been rather a nuisance to her in his lifetime, and notmany weeks afterwards she said she would rather go back to England. I waswilling enough, for business was bad, and she was rather expensive. Whatshe may be doing now I can't say, for I have never heard of her since."

The Chevalier sat a little longer, and then took his leave.

It was very late, and Professor Vosper had imbibed considerably more thanhis usual quantity, but he showed little or no sign of intoxication until herose from his chair to wish me good-night. He wavered a moment, butsteadied himself with a fervent grasp of my right hand, and said, with tipsysolemnity and alcoholic tears in his eyes:-

"A s-ad shtory, Hazard, a s-ad shtory. Dick, my dear boy, you see whatcomes of drink and drissi-drink and dissipation. Avoid 'em, Dick, avoid'em, and you'll be a happy man."

And still shaking his head solemnly, and holding on to the balusters withboth hands, he stumbled up to bed.


Chapter XVIII




CHAPTER XIXBruges--Ghent--Brussels--A Serious Dilemma--The Only Way out of it.--ABed-chamber Rehearsal--The Mysteries of "Make-Up."--My first Public

Show--Washing the Paint off--An Unexpected Meeting--Putting Things in aNew Light--Letters from Home.

OUR next halting place was Bruges. I was charmed with the quaint oldFlemish city, once in the very forefront of history, but which for ages pastseems to have stood aside from the march of progress, and let the world goby her.

It was hard to realise, walking in these quiet streets or on these almostdeserted quays, that in the thirteenth century Bruges was one of the leadingcities in the commercial world, numbering some 200,000 citizens, andharbouring the representatives of twenty kingdoms within its walls. I tried,with scant success, I must admit, to imagine it in the heyday of its glories,and to picture the myriads of craftsmen hurrying to their work, while thewarning bell rang out to caution feeble folk to keep within, lest they shouldbe trampled by the passing throng. Now, the feeblest might sally forth withconfidence, secure of amplest elbow-room. I sat in the noble market-place,where

"the Belfry, old and brown,Thrice consumed and thrice rebuilded, still watches o'er the town,"

and tried to bring before my mind's eye the stirring events of which thatbroad open square has been the scene, from the Grand Tournament in 1429,when the strangely mis-named Philip the Good instituted the Order of theGolden Fleece, to the triumphal entry of Maximilian in 1477, and the by nomeans triumphal entry of the same haughty prince a few years later, when,determined to bring his rebellious burghers to reason, he rode into the"Grande Place" expecting to carry all before him, but was himself takenprisoner, and held under watch and ward until by solemn oath he had boundhimself to restore to the citizens their ravished liberties.

In this same "Grande Place," by the way, the Professor and myself had anamusing illustration of the extreme lengths to which patriotism may

Chapter XIX


sometimes be carried. On the day after our arrival we had taken our seatsoutside a cafe in the Place, nearly opposite the celebrated Belfry, a loftythree-storied tower of nearly three hundred feet high, and containing acarillon, or peal of bells, of European celebrity. For some few minutes noone appeared to minister to our wants, and we occupied the interval inadmiring the Belfry. Viewing it critically, it struck me that it was a little outof the perpendicular, and on calling the attention of Vosper to the matter hewas of the same opinion. When at last the garcon appeared, and had takenour orders, I casually remarked to him in a tentative kind of way, and in thepolitest French I could command, "Your Belfry is not exactly upright, isit?" I never saw a man so angry in my life. If I had cast some undeservedaspersion upon the character of Mrs. Garcon he could hardly have shownmore excitement. "Mais si, monsieur, c'est tout dr-r-roit," he hissed betweenhis teeth, continuing with a volley of abuse, of which it is probablyfortunate that we understood very little, but in which the words sacrescochons d'Anglais were distinctly perceptible, and finally declined to serveus at all.* (* A fact.) We were not conscious of being sacred pigs, or ofhaving done anything to deserve such unceremonious treatment, but therewas no help for it, and we forthwith transferred our custom to anotherestablishment, taking good care this time not to make any disparagingremarks as to the Belfry, which, by the way, as we afterwards found fromthe guide-book, is actually 43 centimetres, or about sixteen inches, out ofthe perpendicular. We decided, after due consideration, not to lay the matterbefore the British Consul, but if, after this experience, any foreigner were toremark in my presence that Cleopatra's Needle was not quite so sharp as itmight be, or that the Nelson lions did not appear to have been recently fed, Ishould certainly be disposed to make it a personal matter.

In point of architectural beauty Bruges is a queen among cities, beingdelightful alike by the memory of its former glories and the charm of itspresent picturesqueness. For commercial purposes, however, and inparticular for the purposes of a magical entertainment, it is scarcely aremunerative abiding-place, and the same may be said of the neighbouringcity of Ghent. Our halt at these two cities was but short, our performancesnot meeting the encouragement which in our own opinion they deserved.

In Brussels we met with a warmer reception and better pecuniary results,and here we pitched our tent for a stay of some weeks. The first week wasfairly good; the second still better, and we began to entertain sanguinehopes of a really brilliant success, when, as ill-luck would have it, theProfessor one night walked home through the rain, and sitting down tosupper in his wet clothes took a chill. A doctor was called in, who declaredthat his ailment was, so far, only a very severe cold, but that he must keephis bed for several days, or the attack would probably develop intorheumatic fever. This was a terrible blow; a great deal of money had beenspent in advertising the performances, and the audiences had been nightly

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increasing. Meanwhile the rent of the theatre in which the entertainmentwas given was heavy, and must be paid in any case; while it was verydoubtful whether, if the performances were once suspended, the publiccould be again induced to take the same amount of interest in them. Acouncil of war was held round the Professor's bedside; a rather lugubriouscouncil, for two of the consulting parties, Mrs. Vosper and the Duchess,were in tears, and the Professor enlivened the Proceedings by an occasionalgroan, wrung from him by the acuteness of his rheumatic pains. All were attheir wit's end, when finding that nobody suggested any other expedient, Isaid, with some inward perturbation, "Well; Professor, as there does'nt seemto be any other way out of it, will you trust me to perform for you? I can'tpromise to make much of a show of it, but at any rate, I'll do my best."

"By Jove, if you only could," said the sick man, rather doubtfully. "Youknow the tricks right enough, and if the show was given in English youmight pull through, but its no joke to have to run it off the reel in French, Ican tell you."

"Don't trouble about that," I said, "I fancy I know the patter pretty well.We'll have a rehearsal within the next hour, with Mrs. Vosper and Mrs.Carrick for audience, and if I can satisfy them I think I can manage to facethe good people of Brussels."

Mrs. Vosper, who was standing next to me, put her arms round my neckand gave me a hearty kiss. "You're a dear good fellow, Dick, and whetheryou succeed or not, the kindness is the same, and I shan't forget it, for one."

"Nor I," said Mrs. Carrick.

I instinctively drew back a little, for I was half afraid that she might feelbound to repeat the embrace, but happily she confined herself to the verbalassurance.

"Nor I," said Lily, stealing a soft little hand into mine.

"I know you'll do your best," said the Professor, "but it's tremendouslyup-hill work to give a show without having regularly rehearsed itbeforehand."

"But I am going to rehearse it," I said, "and, if you don't mind, we'll havethe rehearsal here in this room, so that you can judge for yourself whether Ican pull through, and put me straight where I may be running off the line."

No sooner said than done. The necessary apparatus was quickly fetched, allpresent, save the invalid, lending a helping hand. The dressing-table wasdrawn out from the wall for my use, and the decks generally cleared foraction. The sick man was propped up with pillows, so that he could see andcriticise my performance; the remainder of the party took seats at the footof the bed, and I began. I knew the patter by heart, and from greater

Chapter XIX


familiarity with the language was able to rattle it off with considerablygreater fluency than Vosper himself. In the matter of dexterity I was, ofcourse, very far his inferior, but the majority of the tricks were fortunatelyof a comparatively easy character, and I had practised them on and off, atodd times, sufficiently often to be tolerably familiar with them. Now andthen Vosper interposed with a criticism or a suggested improvement, butmore often with a friendly word of encouragement. On the whole therehearsal was a decided success, and the applause when I finished was longand hearty, even Tip barking his approval.

"You'll do, my dear boy, you'll do," said the Professor, wearily turning overon his side. "You've only to look to those two or three little things I havetold you about, and keep your nerve, and you'll give a very good show. Ionly wish you were ten years older, you do look so terribly juvenile."

"And why shouldn't we make him ten years older?" interposed the Duchess."You be ready dressed, Mr. Hazard, half-an-hour before you ring up tobegin, and I'll make you up as old as you like. I only wish we could get youa dark curly wig. Your own hair's too short and too light to do much with. Ifyou can get a wig between now and seven o'clock, so much the better. Ifnot, we must do the best we can without it."

I succeeded in procuring a suitable wig, which in itself very considerablychanged my appearance, but my fair complexion and boyish features, ofcourse, remained unaltered. I was by this time the possessor of anunexceptionable dress-suit, which I donned with much satisfaction, and byseven o'clock all my arrangements were made, and I was awaiting Mrs.Carrick in the dressing-room of the theatre. I had not long to wait, and uponher arrival she lost no time in getting to business. Her first proceeding wasto tuck a napkin round my neck so as to protect my shirt-front. Then takingfrom a tin box which she had brought with her sundry sticks of acosmetique-like substance in various colours, known, as I have sinceascertained, as "grease-paints," she began to smear them scientifically overmy features, rubbing them well in with her thumbs. Then taking sundrysmaller sticks, sharpened to a point like a pencil, she traced lines betweenmy eyebrows, on each side of my nose, and at the corners of my mouth,rubbing them down in like manner. She next took a pencil of some darkcolour and rubbed it over my eyebrows. Lastly she took a small portion of afrizzy substance, known, I believe, as "crape-hair," and after rolling it intosomething like a cigarette between the palms of her hands, stuck it, with ahorrible composition which she called "spirit-gum," on my upper lip,trimming it into shape with a pair of scissors, and twisting the points into adelicate droop.

I must say I felt horribly uncomfortable; somewhat as the Man with the IronMask might have done if the mask had been permanently cemented to hisvisage. There was a nasty clammy feeling all over my face, the grease-paint

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seeming, according to my sensations, to be laid on quite a quarter of an inchthick, while the feeling produced by the spirit-gum and the crape-hair wassimply indescribable.

Mrs. Vosper laughed at my grimaces:-

"You can fancy now, Master Dick, what the Fairy Violante has to put upwith every night. It's rather a queer feeling, at first, isn't it? but you verysoon get used to it."

"Good gracious!" I said "you don't mean to say that the complexion of theFairy Violante--"

"Grease-paint, every bit of it. But hold still, please, we are going to put yourwig on."

I submitted to the operation. A comb was passed through my curls, and thenapkin removed from my neck. I rushed with deep anxiety to thelooking-glass, for I could hardly resist the idea that I had been made a foolof, and that I should find myself wearing the likeness of the King of theCannibal Islands, or some equally eccentric personage. I found on thecontrary, to my great surprise, that I had never been so good-looking in mylife, and was compelled to admit that Art had very considerably improvedon Nature. My objectionable juvenility of feature and expression haddisappeared. What I saw in the glass was the presentment of a rathergood-looking-I am aware that self-praise is no recommendation, but I amspeaking of the illusion, and not the reality-a rather good-looking youngman of about thirty, with an aquiline nose (my natural organ is straight),and a blase, man-about-town sort of expression. It required a positive effortto believe that I was looking at myself. The two ladies were much amusedat my astonishment, but I had little leisure to indulge in it, for there wantedbut five minutes to the rise of the curtain, and it was time for MadameLinda to take her place at the piano. A substitute had been engaged todischarge my accustomed duty of selling programmes and showing visitorsto their places.

In due time the performance commenced. For the first few minutes I felt alittle nervous, but the sensation quickly wore off, and the more readily as Ireflected on the completeness of my disguise. I began with a few words ofapology for the absence of Professor Vosper, and stated the reason whichhad caused me to appear in his place. My explanation was very wellreceived, and I plunged boldly into my first trick, which fortunately was acomplete success. In the course of the entertainment I made one or two littleslips, obvious enough to an expert, but happily unimportant in effect, andthey did not seem to be detected by the company. I, of course, pushed on asif all were as it should be. When the curtain fell at the close of theperformance the plaudits were as hearty as they had been at Vosper's ownperformances. The congratulations of my friends behind the curtain were

Chapter XIX


not less cordial, and Gimp, who had by this time come behind the scenes,struck an attitude and quoted-

"Fresh as a bridegroom, and his chin, new reaped,Shewed like a stubble land at harvest time;He was perfumed like a milliner,And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he heldA pouncet-box, which, ever and anon,He gave his nose, and took't away again."

"Easy, Gimp," I said, "your description is about as truthful as an epitaph. Isuppose I am to set off the 'chin new-reaped' against the unmerited libel ofthe pouncet-box.? But Gimp had started again with a fresh quotation,

"See what a grace is seated on his brow:Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself,An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;A stature like the herald MercuryNew lifted on a heaven-kissing hill;A combination and a form, indeed,Where every god doth seem to set his seal,To give the world assurance of a Man."

"'Hyperion's curls,' as you call them, are uncomfortably warm, and, withyour permission, ladies, I will remove them," which I did accordingly.

Lily laughed at my altered appearance, the dark moustache and eyebrowscontrasting comically with the colour of my own hair.

"May I ask, ladies, if this greasy composition will ever come off, or whetherI am condemned to retain it for the rest of my natural life? "Gimp, 'an' youlove me,' bring me some soap and water."

"Stop a bit," said Mrs. Carrick, "don't wash just yet. First rub on some ofthis cold cream, and then you will find the colour come off easily enough."

I did as instructed, and found little difficulty in getting off the grease-paint,but when it came to removing the false moustache my sensations wereexcruciating. The spirit-gum, a sort of cement of fabulous tenacity, had soamalgamated the false hair with the natural down of my upper lip that Ibegan to fear that I should have to seek the aid of the barber to get it off. Atlast, however, with a sensation as if the whole of the skin came off with it,it did come off, and I was plain Dick Hazard once more, Gimp improvingthe occasion by quoting, with imperfect application,

"Off with his head! so much for Buckingham!"

"Thank you, Gimp," I said, "I don't know that it would be much morepainful, but I think I prefer things as they are."

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"And if you'll take my advice, Mr. Dick," said Mrs. Carrick, "you'll have anice clean shave before you wear crape hair again."

"I will, madam, you may depend on it," I replied. "I am not exactly 'beardedlike the pard,' as Gimp would say, but I find it is possible to have very little,and yet too much."

"How you people do chatter!" said Mrs. Vosper. "Hurry up, do, and let usget home to supper. My poor old man will be on tenter-hooks till he knowshow things have gone. He will be quite jealous when he hears how capitallyDick has got on."

We found the Professor, however, too ill to trouble himself much about thematter. He was very glad to find that I had been so far successful, and it wasagreed that I should continue to undertake the performance until he wascompletely recovered, which I did accordingly.

It was, I think, on the third occasion that I thus acted as his deputy when Iunexpectedly met an old friend. One of my first tricks was a card-trick, andon advancing to the company, and asking some one to draw a card, Isuddenly realised that the gentleman to whom I was offering the pack wasmy former teacher, Mr. Vernon, and beside him was the lady who hadaccompanied him on the occasion of my great school performance, alreadydescribed. If I had not been taken by surprise I do not think I should havebetrayed myself, but I forgot for the moment the completeness of mydisguise, and involuntarily made a start and a half-movement ofrecognition. I recollected myself instantly, and offered the pack, in mycalmest manner, but the mischief was done. I saw Mr. Vernon look at mefor some minutes in a puzzled manner, when his face suddenly lighted upwith a smile and he made some remark to his companion. I could not hearwhat he said, but I felt that he had found me out, and the knowledge did notcontribute to my peace of mind, or to the finish of my performance.However, I managed to get through my duties without any seriousbreak-down. At the close of the performance I made my bow and retired, asusual, and a few minutes later, as I had more than half anticipated, Mr.Vernon's card was brought to me by Gimp, with a message that thegentleman would like to say a few words to me. I came down to the front,for there was no space to receive visitors behind the scenes.

"I knew I could not be mistaken," said Mr. Vernon, as he warmly shook myhand. "Your make-up is wonderful, but you cannot disguise your voice.You know this lady, I think. She has assisted at one of your entertainmentsonce before."

"Miss Sutherland, I think?" as the lady gave me her hand with a sweetsmile.

"Miss Sutherland until about ten days ago; now, happily, Mrs. Vernon. But,

Chapter XIX


come, tell us about yourself, and how you come to be here. When you leftschool I understood that you were going into some mercantile business."

I pulled a wry face. "So 1 was, sir, but I didn't like the prospect of themercantile business, and so, as you see, I struck out another line formyself."

"And must have made pretty good progress, to be travelling about alreadyas a full-blown professor, like this."

"That is mere accident," I explained. "I am taking the place, for a fewnights, of the genuine professor, my employer, who is just now laid up witha rheumatic attack. But for that you would have found me in a much moresubordinate position."

"But your friends at home-your parents-what do they say to yourproceedings?"

"Well, to tell the truth, my mother-I have no father-does not know exactlywhat my occupation is. I have told her that I am doing well and am verycomfortable, but she does not know particulars."

Mr. Vernon looked grave.

"Then, in point of fact, you have run away from home?"

"Something like it. But I never could have settled down to the occupationproposed for me, and therefore I was bound to find some other way ofearning a living. Having a turn for this kind of thing, I naturally drifted thatway, and so far I like it immensely."

"That doesn't quite prove that it is the best thing for you. It's rather-I don'tmean any offence-it's rather a vagabond kind of life, isn't it?"

"Well, I suppose it is, in a sense. But the people I am with are thoroughlystraightforward and honourable, and they have been very kind to me."

"Good, so far, but still I don't think it is quite the life a careful parent orguardian would select for his son. How old may you be, with the paint off?"

"Not quite seventeen."

"And your mother, if I understand you rightly, does not know either whereyou are or what you are doing. That isn't a right state of things, you know;and I'm not quite sure that it isn't my duty to give her the information."

"You won't betray me, I am sure, sir?" I said, looking, I have no doubt,rather crestfallen. "I really can't go back."

"It isn't a question of betraying you, my dear boy. I have always been yourfriend, as you know, and should be sorry to have a hand in forcing you into

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a distasteful occupation, but right is right, and I am not clear but that Ishould be serving your own interests, as well as doing an act of duty to yourmother, by revealing your secret. However, we mustn't do things in a hurry.Come and breakfast with me to-morrow morning at the Hotel de Vienne,where we are staying, and we'll talk it over. Meanwhile, you may rely onmy taking no step without giving you full notice beforehand."

With this assurance I was forced to be content. I kept the appointment insome trepidation, but Mr. Vernon's first words partially reassured me. Ifound him alone, Mrs. Vernon not having yet come down.

"I have been thinking over our conversation last night, Hazard. I should besorry to use the accident of our meeting to your disadvantage, or even whatyou might think to be your disadvantage. But I am quite clear about onething. Your mother ought to be informed as to your occupation, and to havethe opportunity of expressing her feelings in relation to it. If you willundertake to do this, to let her know what you are doing, and give her theopportunity of communicating with you on the subject, there is an end ofthe matter so far as I am concerned. I know I can trust your word."

"Don't you think it might be postponed a month or two longer, sir?"

"Meaning a month or two more of suspense, and consequent heartache, foryour mother. Probably she would be able to endure it, but whether it is rightor kind to make her do so is a different matter."

"I hadn't thought of it in that light," I stammered, with rather a guiltyfeeling, for I knew my mother's nervous temperament, and felt that theuncertainty as to my occupation and whereabouts must have caused her agood deal of anxiety.

"Probably not. We are all rather too apt to look upon our parents in the lightof useful persons, designed by nature to mend our clothes and keep ussupplied with pocket-money, and to forget that they are sometimes weakenough to feel a very tender interest in our comings and goings, and toworry about us occasionally a good deal more perhaps than we deserve. Ifancy you must have a good mother, Hazard."

"As good as ever lived," I said, profoundly thankful that Mrs. Vernon wasnot present to mark the tears that somehow would come into my eyes.

"And rather fond of you, probably. Enough at any rate to feel a littleanxious as to where you are, and what you may be doing, and the companyyou may be keeping. And even, perhaps-mothers are rather weak, youknow, and I think you said your mother was a widow-a little lonely withoutyou. Eh, Hazard?"

I had never thought of the matter in that light. I had hitherto regarded mypresent way of life as a matter solely regarding myself, -a pleasant way of

Chapter XIX


escape from an unpleasant alternative. But Mr. Vernon's quiet reproofbrought up such a touching picture of my mother in her lonely home-mydear, anxious, timid little mother, perhaps almost breaking her heart for hertwo wandering sons-that every word seemed to fall like a sledge-hammeron my heart, and I felt as if I could never forgive myself for having treatedher so cruelly. I made a desperate effort to assert my manliness, but it wasof no avail. I turned my face to the mantelpiece, leant my head upon myhands, and sobbed aloud.

Mr. Vernon put his hand kindly upon my shoulder. "Control yourself, mydear boy; your present distress shows that you would not be wilfully cruel,but you must remember that, as poor Tom Hood says:-

'Evil is wrought by want of thought,As well as want of heart.'

"You will write to your mother, won't you?"

"Yes, sir, this very day."

"That's right; I am sure you will never regret it. And now, pull yourselftogether while I go and look for Mrs. Vernon. My lady's toilet is somewhatlengthy this morning."

He left the room accordingly, and, with a kindly tact, for which I wasdeeply grateful, remained absent long enough to enable me to completelyrecover my self-control. On his return he was accompanied by Mrs.Vernon, and we sat down to a pleasant little dejeuner. My hosts encouragedme to talk about myself and my doings, and got much fun out of myaccount of my small adventures.

Breakfast over, we bade each other a cordial good-bye, my kindentertainers being bound for Aix-la-Chapelle, while I returned to mylodgings to write the promised letter to my mother. I made it a point ofhonour to have no further concealment from her, but frankly gave her a fullaccount of my doings since the day I left home, and finally made acomplete submission to her will, undertaking to come home at once if shedesired me to do so.

Having despatched this letter, I waited with some anxiety for the reply. Itcame in due course, accompanied by a letter from the Major. My mother'swas as follows:-

"MY DARLING BOY,

"Your welcome letter has just arrived, and is a great relief to my mind. Icannot think why you should want to be a conjurer, as we never had one inthe family before, but I suppose you take after your poor Uncle Thomas,who invented the Magic Cough-Syrup, and the Magic Black-Beetle

Chapter XIX


Exterminator, and a lot of other curious things that nobody else would everhave thought of. I don't think he made much money by them, but I believethey were very clever. I must say I am rather glad you didn't take tohairdressing, though it is a nice clean sort of business, and I should thinkdecidedly easier than conjuring. Your Uncle Bumpus is very much annoyedwith you for going away, as he says with your talent for arithmetic youmight in a year or two have been earning five shillings a week. Of course Ishould like to have you home, but if you are doing as well as you say Ishould be sorry to stand in your light. I only hope conjuring is a nice moralprofession. I never saw a conjurer but once, and then the man made apudding in your poor dear father's best hat, and he was always sorryafterwards that he hadn't worn his other hat instead.

"Jemima sends her affectionate respects. We have very good news of Peter,but he isn't made a captain yet.

"With best and fondest love, from your ever affectionate mother, " MARIAHAZARD."

The Major's letter ran thus:-

"MY DEAR DICK,

"What's good for nothing, they say, never comes to any harm. I have triedto comfort your mother with this consideration, but not with the success Icould have wished.

"Seriously, my dear boy, your long silence, and the uncertainty as to yourwhereabouts and well-being, have been a great anxiety to your mother. Shewill not hear a word against you, and I do not suppose in the letter she isnow writing you will find one word of reproach, but it is right that youshould know that your conduct has been a severe trial to her, and I sincerelytrust, for all our sakes, that you will not leave us so long in the dark again.We have talked over the question of recalling you home. Your present lifeisn't quite the thing we should have chosen for you, but while you are welland happy, and pleased with your occupation, your mother is unwilling towithdraw you from it. If, however, you should tire of it, or find it not quiteall you expect, for I suppose all is not gold that glitters, even in theconjuring profession, don't forget that you will have a hearty welcomehome from a very loving mother, and scarcely less so from

"Your attached friend,

"ARTHUR MANLY."

I read and re-read both letters honestly, and tried to discover which way myduty lay. Neither of them, at any rate, amounted to a direct recall, and, aftercareful consideration, it seemed to me clear that the writers really wished toleave me free to follow my present occupation until I myself grew weary of

Chapter XIX


it. I therefore decided to make no immediate change, but resolvedthenceforth to write home once a week a full report of my proceedings, andto this resolution I adhered during the remainder of my magical career.


Chapter XIX




CHAPTER XXArrival in Paris--Gastronomic Experiences--Gimp Missing--The

Morgue--Return of the Prodigal--The History of his Adventures--AnEpicurean Banquet--Presenting the Bill.

IT WAS some days before the Professor was able to resume his place onthe platform. During this time I had continued to perform in his stead, to myown considerable improvement, and, I am happy to say, without any seriousdetriment to our exchequer. While he was away his absence was kept asquiet as possible, but on his recovery the return of the real ModernCagliostro to the stage was made known by a series of flamingadvertisements, and for a short time brought increased audiences. After afew weeks, however, we found that the attraction began to wane, and theProfessor, like a prudent man, determined not to wear out his welcome, butto push on to fresh fields of conquest. Easter was approaching, and with itthe great Foire aux Pains d'Epice, or Gingerbread Fair, in Paris, and it wasfinally determined, in solemn conclave, that we should try our fortunes inthat quarter. I felt rather scandalised at the idea of our lowering ourselves,as it seemed to me, by giving our performance at a fair, and I suppose myface must have reflected my feelings, for the Professor laughed merrily atmy discomfited expression, and asked whether I was afraid of having topreside over the snuff-box and cocoa-nut department, three shies a penny?Finally, however, he said:-" I can understand your feelings, my dear fellow,but you are worrying yourself without reason. You naturally take your ideasof a French fair from an English one, but you will find that there is a vastdifference between the two. In England a fair lasts at most a week, andmore often only a couple of days, and our eccentric climate very oftenknocks the whole concern on the head, so far as any profit to be made outof it. Under such circumstances it isn't worth any man's while, unless he is acircus or wild-beast proprietor, to sink money in a big show. The greatGingerbread Fair in Paris, like that of St. Cloud and a good many more ofthe large French fairs, lasts for three weeks, or even longer, and as it falls atEaster-time you may be pretty sure of a tolerable spell of fine weather.Then, again, the French people are much better supporters of this kind ofthing than the English, and, as a natural consequence, a fair in Franceattracts a much higher class of exhibitors. Why, I'll venture to say you will

Chapter XX


see shows on the ground that would make a big hole in a couple ofthousand pounds. In England I should no more dream of performing at afair than of going into the learned pig business; but in Paris nobody willthink any the worse of us, and, with decent luck, we may make a very goodthree weeks' work of it."

We accordingly betook ourselves to Paris, arriving there about a weekbefore Easter. The Professor had to arrange for the hire and erection of aportable theatre, and he further engaged a couple of French clowns to beatthe drum, blow horns, &c., outside the show, to induce the people to "walkup" and see the wonders within. These matters duly arranged, we had stillseveral days wherein to make acquaintance with the Gay City, and verydelightful I found it. In these fast-travelling days, when Paris, like Brighton,is almost a suburb of London, it would be an impertinence on my part toattempt to describe any of its thousand-and-one attractions, with whichmany of my readers are probably better acquainted than myself. Suffice itto say that we did as much sight-seeing as we possibly could in the time atour disposal, by no means neglecting the convenient and inexpensive"fixed-price" restaurants in the Palais Royal and elsewhere. For the purposeof improving my French and finding my way about I had purchased anadmirable little hand-book, called Paris en Poche (one of a series known asthe Guides Conty). One of its special features was a section devoted to thefixed-priced restaurants, tabulated by reference to locality; and armed withmy little book, in whatever quarter of Paris we chanced to find ourselves, Iwas rarely at a loss to discover some cheap and convenient place ofrefreshment. My success in this particular, and my greater familiarity (sofar as it went) with the language, caused me to be elected by acclamationguide, interpreter, and dinner-orderer to the party. I made a few mistakesoccasionally, but they only added to our fun. The majority of our partystuck to English or English-looking dishes when procurable, and the runupon rosbif and biftek aux pommes was considerable. Gimp in particularwas very severe upon the frivolities of French cookery, and when askedwhat he would like to follow his biftek, generally decided for anotherbiftek, and more "pommes." I myself am naturally of an inquiring turn ofmind, and generally went in, on principle, for any unknown dish whichappeared on the bill of fare, even to such un-English delicacies asgrenouilles a la poulette and the toothsome though somewhat alarmingescargot. The rest of the party watched me on these occasions with interest,not unmingled with apprehension, but positively declined to share mybanquet. The results were various, sometimes causing me to wish that I hadnot ventured quite so far into the regions of the unknown; but now and thenI entertained an angel unawares in the shape of some unexpectedlyappetising dish. Once, I remember, gras double a la Lyonnaise figured onthe bill of fare, and as none of our party had the smallest notion what it was,I ordered it, on my usual principle, for my own consumption. I heard thewaiter repeat the order, down a sort of lift, as "graddle," or something like

Chapter XX


it, which did not increase our store of information. When the dish arrived itproved to be some description of tripe done up in a very appetising manner,but we were much exercised in mind as to the animal from whence itproceeded. It was clearly not bullock's tripe, being much too small, andvotes were about equally divided between sheep and pig. The Professorunkindly suggested "dog," which I hope was a libel. In any case it wasremarkably nice, and I repeated the experience on several subsequentoccasions. Even Gimp was induced to try it, and to signify his augustapproval, occasionally adopting "graddle," when on the bill of fare, as hissecond dish.

We had been about a week in Paris when an event happened which causedus great anxiety. We rented a small appartement on the Boulevard Voltaire,so as to be conveniently placed for the Fair, which was to be held in thePlace de la Nation, hard by. Gimp had a bed in an adjoining house, and tookhis premier dejeuner, or early breakfast of coffee and rolls, in his ownroom. After breakfast he generally strolled up and down the Boulevard,smoking his pipe, until a little before twelve o'clock, when he came to ourlodgings, and we all turned out together for our midday meal, nominally adejeuner, but really our dinner, at one of the fixed-price restaurants. Wepreferred these because, knowing beforehand what we had to pay, and howmany dishes we were entitled to, we had no fear of running intoextravagance. On the day I refer to Gimp was expected as usual at twelveo'clock, but he did not appear, and after waiting three-quarters of an hourwe were compelled to go to our dejeuner without him, leaving, however,with the concierge a message to let him know where he would find us. Wereached our destination, finished our meal, and returned. Still no tidings ofGimp, and we began to be very uneasy about him. As may be supposed, hisknowledge of French was absolutely nil, and if he got into any difficulty hisqueer appearance and rather irascible temper would not tend to improvematters. Night came, and still no Gimp. We went to bed in a very anxiousstate of mind, and in the morning the Professor and I were up betimes, andwent round to his lodging to inquire after him. We found that he had notbeen home all night, a very ominous sign, for Gimp's habits were of themost regular description. Being by this time seriously alarmed we spoke ofthe matter to one of the sergents de ville, who answer in Paris to our police.The man was very civil; he took our address, and promised that if the policeknew anything of our friend it should be forthwith communicated to us.Meanwhile, he recommended us to go at once to the Morgue, or publicdead-house, as in the event of any fatal accident to an unknown person hewould at once be taken there. We returned to our lodgings and left wordthat Mrs. Vosper was not to wait breakfast on our account, and then, hailingone of the light open cabs with which Paris abounds, we told the driver totake us to the Morgue. We were not much inclined for conversation, for themere idea of our destination, and the thought of what we might see there,filled us with a nameless horror.

Chapter XX


After a drive of some length we reached the Morgue, a low, flat-roofedbuilding, immediately behind the Cathedral of Notre Dame. There was adoor on either side the facade, and a constant stream of the Parisian lowerclass of both sexes and all ages, even mothers with children in their arms,streamed in at the one and out at the other door. No reverence for death, nosense of the awful sights to be seen within, seemed to be felt by that motleycrowd. They came out as they went in, talking and laughing, andexchanging ribald jests. "Eh bien," said one man, newly arrived on thescene, to a friend who had just come out, "Comment ca va-t-il? Combieny-a-t-il de Machabees aujourd'hui?* (* "How goes it? How manyMachabees" (the slang name for a corpse) "to-day?") "Un seulement," washis friend's reply. "Les affaires ne marchent pas, a ce qu'il parait. Hier etavant-hier il y avait relache."** (** "One only. Business is slack, it seems.Yesterday and the day before there was 'no performance.'")

The cynicism of the man disgusted us, and with a shudder we passed intothe building. We found ourselves in front of a plate-glass partition,extending from side to side, and behind it, facing the glass and drawn upclose to it, were ranged three or four light wheeled-carriages, slightlysloping to the front and not unlike costermongers' barrows. The top of eachwas of sheet-iron, with rests for the head and arms of its ghastly burden.One only was occupied, and a single glance was sufficient to show us thatits tenant was happily not the object of our search. The body was that of ayoung man, from his costume apparently a mechanic, about three orfour-and-twenty, who had been killed by a blow on the forehead, on whicha terrible mark of a lurid crimson was visible. The eyes were open, and theorbits around them suffused with blood. The attitude was that of a man whohas been thrown on his back by a sudden blow and is struggling to get upagain, the position of the arms and hands at the side and the slopingposition of the body favouring this supposition. The whole figure wasstrangely lifelike, so much so, indeed, that it was difficult to believe onewas looking on a corpse. Probably the poor fellow had been struck down insome quarrel, and had died where he fell, his slayer seeking safety in flight.The continued exposure of the body in the Morgue proved that it had notyet been identified.

Greatly relieved to find that poor Gimp had at any rate not found his way tothis asylum of violent death, we left the building, turning aside with ashudder from the photographic horrors, portraits of unidentified victims,which flank its gruesome portals. We deliberated for a few moments as toour next move, and finally. decided to return home before making anyfurther inquiries, hoping against hope that something might have beenheard of the poor fellow in the interim.

On reaching the door of our appartement we were agreeably surprised tohear sounds of laughter within, and on entering found the rest of our party

Chapter XX


assembled round-Gimp himself, with his spectacles as much askew as ever,apparently not at all the worse for his temporary disappearance, andrecounting with great unction the history of his adventures.

He had extended his stroll, it seemed, rather farther than usual, and hadsomehow missed his way back again. His endeavours to find it carried himstill further a-field, and the two or three persons to whom he addressedhimself for information unfortunately spoke no English. Meanwhile, timewent on, and Gimp, always a very respectable trencher-man, found himselfgetting hungry. He knew that the charge for a dejeuner at one of ourcustomary restaurants was two francs only, for which modest sum wealways had soup, a couple of substantial dishes, and some cheese or fruit,together with a half-bottle of vin ordinaire to each person, and he rashlyconcluded that all Paris restaurants were conducted on the same economicalfooting. He had two francs and some small change in his pocket, and withthat modest peculium he calmly proceeded to breakfast at a swell restauranton the Boulevard Bonne Nouvelle. The remainder of the story shall be toldin his own words.

"I walked in, as bold as brass, and one o' them garsong chaps took my hat,and another my old umbreller. 'You're mighty polite,' thinks I to myself;'you've got a eye to the poorbore, already.' But I didn't mind, I know'd I'dgot a fairish lot of odd coppers as well as the two francs for the dejoony, soI says 'All right, my lads, you look after me, and I'll look after you.' So withthat, I set myself down, and tucked the napkin under my chin, and give asort of a look round. It struck me somehow that the place was a cut abovethem places in the Pally Ryle where we generally takes our dejoony. It wasin a kind of balcony over the bullyvard, and it was smarter like, and thetable-cloths was finer, and the garsongs was more like gentlemen's servants.Presently, one of the garsongs brings me the bill of fare, and he says,'Pottage, Mounseer?' like that. And I said, 'Oh, yes, pottage, of course.' Andthen he said a lot more which I could'nt understand, but I guessed as he wascalling over the names of the soups, so I says, ' Wee,' at a venture, andpresently he brought me some soup. My word, it was prime! banged anysoup ever I tasted. Thinks I, this is a scrumptious place, I must tell thegovernor and Mr. Hazard about this, and we'll come here every day.'!

"You didn't find out the name of the soup, I suppose, Gimp?" I inquired,with an eye to future contingencies.

"I fancy the chap called it cressy, but there wasn't any cresses in it that Icould make out. But lor, you never do know what's in these here Frenchdishes. Well, while I was eating the soup another chap comes up withanother bill of fare, and he says, 'Van, mounseer?' I stared at him for aminute, but at last I made out that he was asking what wine I would take,and he names two or three sorts, and then he says something aboutchampagne. 'All right,' I says, ' I never did drink champagne, but there's no

Chapter XX


reason why I shouldn't that I know of, so, all right,' I says, 'I'm agreeable, aslong as you keep the right side o' two francs.'"

"But surely, Gimp," said the Professor, "you must have known that norestaurant in the world could afford to give champagne with a two-francluncheon."

"That's what I thought myself, governor, and that's why I was so particklerto tell him I wasn't going to spend more than two francs. Of course Ireckoned he would know his own business best."

"But he didn't understand you."

"That was his look-out. I'll take my davy I didn't understand him, so therewe was quits. However, he bows quite polite, and presently he brings a bigbottle of champagne, a sweet, fizzy kind of stuff that goes off 'pop' justunder the bridge of your nose, and takes your breath away like. It ain't bad,mind you, but not a patch upon a good glass o' beer. Well, by that time Ihad finished my pottage, and the other chap he came back and begananother yarn, which I reckoned was about what I would have next, and hefinishes up by saying something about poison, only he said it in the Frenchway, through his nose. 'No thankye,' I said, 'if there's any of that about, I'mglad you cautioned me. I'll stick to sartainties,' I says, 'bring me a biftek o'pumms.' I brought that out quite natural, just like a Frenchman. He nodded,looking quite pleased-like to find I could speak French, and after a littlewhile he brought me the most beautifullest rump-steak, done to a turn, andlor, the taters, they was goloptious. Fried to just a pretty brown, the colourof Missie's hair, and blowed out like soap bubbles, and that crisp you mighta blow'd 'em away."

"Why, Gimp," said Mrs. Vosper, "you are getting quite poetical."

"Ay, mum; an' I feel poetrical when I think o' them pumms. But that worn'tall. When I had finished the steak the same chap came parleyvooing andpantomiming again, so I thinks to myself, ' Well, if you can cook a bifteklike that, your graddle ought to be scrumptious.' So I cut him short.'Graddle,' I says, 'What?' says he, only in French, of course. 'Graddle,' I saysagain. I saw he looked puzzled, so thinks I, 'perhaps I ain't got the accentquite to rights. So I tried him with griddle, and groddle, and gruddle; butnone of 'em didn't seem to do, and at last I give it up. There was agentleman at the next table pitching into some dish that smelt uncommongood, so I jerks my thumb that way. 'I'll take some o' that,' I says. Thegarsong nodded, and presently he came back with a dish o' the same sort,and my word, it was beautiful. It was fish o' some sort-sole, I fancy, with arich kind of a sauce, and mussels and shrimps a swimming in it, and withthat and the champagne I began to feel more poetrical-like than ever. By thetime I had finished that lot I didn't seem to want much more; but the chapcame cavorting round me again with his blessed bill of fare. ' What, again?'

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I says; ' Blow me if I know how you can do it for two francs.' But he onlybowed and smiled, and I just pointed out some name at a venture, and hebrings me a plate of French beans. 'You're a day after the fair, my finefeller,' I says, 'you might ha' brought me these here with the biftek and thepumms.' But he only bowed and smiled, and brings me the bill o' fare again.I was beginning to feel as if I'd had enough, but I thinks to myself, 'well, I'llchance it once more.' So I sticks my thumb on something else in the bill,and blow me if he didn't bring me a dandelion salad. 'Look here,' I says, ' Ican't eat this, least, ways not by itself. D'ye think I'm a rabbit?' I says, 'let'shave some cheese.' With that he grimaced some more, quite friendly, but hedidn't bring any cheese. 'Cheese,' I says, but he didn't seem to understand.'Cheese!' I says, louder still. And with that another garsong whisperssomething to him, and he says, ' Wee, frummage.' But I says, 'No, I won'thave any frummage. I want CHEESE!' regular shouting at him, for I wasbeginning to get a bit aggravated, and I didn't see why I should be put offwith something different. When they saw I wouldn't stand any nonsensethey brought me some cheese, nasty soft stuff, but it helped the salad down;and after that I had some coffee, with a nip o' brandy in it, and I was justthinking to myself that I had made an uncommon good dejoony, andwondering whether it'ud be the ticket to light my pipe, when somehow orother I fell asleep. I couldn't have had more than forty winks or so, butwhen I woke up all the company was gone, and the garsongs was standingwith their napkins in their hands a looking at me, and on the table was asilver salver with a little bit o' paper on it; but I didn't take much heed o'that. I pulls out my old silver watch, and I saw it was half-past three. 'Timeto be going,' I says to myself, and I calls the waiter, and gives him twofrancs, and three pence for himself, as he'd been rather extra attentive, buthe didn't seem to understand it. He didn't take up the money, but shook hishead, and pointed to the little bit of paper. It had something about Margeryat the top, and I made out it was a bill. I couldn't make out the items, but ittotted up to seventeen francs and something over. 'What's this?' I said.'Addition,' says he. 'Oh, yes, there's plenty of addition about it,' I says, 'butwhat's it got to do with me?' 'Addition,' he says, again; 'beel.' 'Yes, I see it'sa bill right enough,' I says, ' but I ain't going to pay it. I told you all along,' Isays, 'to keep on the right side of two francs, an' if you've made me outrunthe constable that's your look-out,' I says, and I shoves the two francs underhis nose again. And then there was a deuce of a row. I couldn't understandtheir French, and they couldn't understand my English, and presently theyfetches one o' them chaps in the cocked hats, and he jabbered a lot inFrench, and I give it him back in English, but we didn't seem to come to nounderstanding, and presently he puts his hand on my collar, and I found Iwas run in. They locked me up all night in a place they called the violin,though devil a bit of a fiddle did I see there. And this morning I was had upbefore some kind of a beak, and luckily for me he could speak a littleEnglish-not to say good English, but enough to swear by. And I told himwhere I lived and how it all happened; and the end of it was, he said he

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would let me go, but I should have to pay the money. And he called anotherof them sirjohns with the cocked hats, and he brought me here, and themissus has just bailed me out."

"Bailed him out," said the Professor. "Is that so, Linda?"

"Not exactly," said Mrs. Vosper; "but I have had to pay his dinner-bill,amounting to seventeen francs and seventy-five centimes. Not a bad lunchfor a single man, I think. The old epicure went to a place called Marguery's,it seems, which the policeman tells me is one of the very best restaurants inParis."

"Well," said the Professor, "all's well that ends well. I'm glad it's no worse.But I'm afraid Gimp's constitution's shattered He hasn't quoted Shakespeareonce during the whole story."


Chapter XX




CHAPTER XXIThe Gingerbread Fair--A Trip by Rail--Merry-Go-Rounds

Extraordinary--Sea on Land--A Montagne Russe--TheShooting-Galleries--The Encyclopedie Methodique--The Tonquinese Dwarf

and the Fair Cleopatra.

GIMP'S little escapade formed the leading topic of conversation for acouple of days, after which it was lost sight of in the general excitementattending the opening of the Fair. I found that the Professor was fullyjustified in what he said about the vast difference between an English fairand a French one.

The Foire aux Pains d'Epice is held on an open space on the eastern side ofParis, covering several acres, and known formerly as the Place du Trone,but now (thrones being for the moment unfashionable in France) as thePlace de la Nation. This space, however, large as it is, would be utterlyinadequate to the requirements of the fair, whose booths and shows arenumbered literally by hundreds. From the Place de la Nation radiate severalbroad, open thoroughfares-the Rue du Faubourg St. Antoine, the BoulevardDiderot, Boulevard Voltaire, and Cours de Vincennes. These are of greatwidth, fringed with spreading trees on either side, and along each of these,for half or three-quarters of a mile, the lines of booths extend. The largershows are erected in the Place de la Nation and the Cours de Vincennes,and when illuminated at night the effect is positively dazzling in itsbrilliancy, the blaze of light and colour suggesting the amalgamatedtransformation scenes of a dozen pantomimes.

One of the attractions on the present occasion was a circular railway, thetrain consisting of nine carriages, accommodating eight persons in each,and drawn by a genuine locomotive. There was a station whereat to take thetickets, and a tunnel for the train to pass under on its way. In this andseveral other instances the capital sunk in the concern must haverepresented many hundreds of pounds. There were merry-go-rounds on ascale unheard of in the annals of English fairs. Some of them were twostoreys high, with circles of horses three deep on each storey, and lightedup at night with a couple of hundred gasburners, each with its opal globe. InFrance, by the way, the merry-go-round, or carrousel, as it is called, is by

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no means regarded as a mere amusement for children. Comely maidens andbuxom matrons, nay, even middle-aged Frenchmen, broad of girth andprotuberant of stomach, think it no shame to mount the mimic chargers, and"madly urge their wild career" round the ring, to the inspiring music of the"orchestra." And such an orchestra! Sometimes it consists of a wheezyorgan, sometimes of an equally wheezy band of brass instruments; but, inany case, what it lacks in melody is made up in noise, and the noise socreated is considered an important contribution to the "fun of the fair." Inthe course of my chequered existence I have heard many varieties of"music," even to the Javanese Gamelang and a tin on a rosined string, butfor downright fiendishness of discord I should be inclined to give the palmto the orchestra of a French merry-go-round. The effect is heightened by thefact that just within earshot on either side a similar instrument of torture isplaying a different tune with equal energy.

In another form of merry-go-round there are no horses. The actors in thiscase stand in couples, generally lady and gentleman, each grasping anupright brass pillar, extending from floor to ceiling of the machine. As thecircle revolves, a smaller circle, cut out of the flooring, and having the brasspillar for its axis, turns also, so that each couple moves round and round itsown particular pillar with a sort of waltzing movement, pretty enough to thebeholder, though I should think rather vertiginous to the partiesimmediately concerned. The movements of the Mer sur Terre, or "Sea onLand," must be even more trying. Here six good-sized yachts, with sailscomplete, are carried round the circle, each pitching fore and aft, andheaving up and down in the most painfully realistic manner. Each boatcarries ten or a dozen passengers, to whom certainly ought to be added asteward and stewardess, with the usual professional appliances. Tocomplete the illusion the affair is worked by a steam-engine in the centre,so that the fortunate passengers have without extra charge the genuine smellof the steam and of the fragrant oil used to lubricate the machinery.

In another portion of the fair was a Montagne Russe, or Inclined Railway.The car in this case rushes violently down a steep incline, and by the forceof its impetus is carried up another, returning the same way. The speed withwhich it travels is alarming even to mere spectators, but to enhance thesensation the car is made to spin round rapidly on its own axis during itsflight.

For persons who were less in love with danger, but yearned for violentexercise, there was another form of merry-go-round, mounted (instead ofhorses) with bicycles, solidly fixed in their places in the circle, the ridersthemselves supplying the motive power. Each rider seemed to work hishardest, and the speed at which they managed to send the machine flyinground was something almost incredible. Another "bicycle" merry-go-roundwas constructed after the fashion of the "race-game" so popular atContinental kursaals, the riders travelling in concentric circles, to the

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accompaniment of the demoniac "orchestra."

The Tir or shooting-gallery is one of the most popular forms of amusementat all French merry-makings, and a considerable amount of ingenuity isexpended in procuring objects at once inexpensive and attractive for themarksman to shoot at. At one gallery the display was zoological. The noblesportsman could enjoy for a nominal consideration (and in perfect safety) ashot at the most ferocious beasts of the forest. The lion, the tiger, and therhinoceros spread their respective broadsides to his aim, and if he hit themin a vital part (indicated by a neat bull's eye placed on the spot) his prowesswas rewarded by the gift of half-a-dozen macaroons. In another gallery thechoice of the marksman lay between a very large and a very small soldier,the bull's eye in each case being placed (uncomfortable thought) just in thepit of the stomach. In others, the marksman took his choice of aiming at anyone of a number of suspended tobacco pipes, hanging so as to form neatand appropriate designs, and at once indicating, by flying to smithereens,when the shooter succeeded in hitting one of them. A prettier, but moredifficult mark, was a white ball, or a blown egg, dancing in front of a darkbackground on the top of the jet of a fountain.

I pass over the wild-beast and other curiosity shows, which were neitherbetter nor worse than we find at fairs in England. Of more original characterwas a show with the somewhat comprehensive title of the EncyclopedieMethodique, a collection of working models, all in motion. Here might beseen ships tossed on a stormy sea, divers at work at the bottom of the ocean,a factory with workmen of every description in full activity, side by sidewith a kermesse or country fair, at which wrestlers, jugglers, rope-dancers,and out-door performers of all kinds exhibited their feats of strength oragility. Beside these greater marvels it seems hardly worth while to mentiona "Velocipediste-Sportmann," an automaton swimmer, the electric drum, orthe celebrated Blondin crossing Niagara on his bicycle. The prospectus ofthis show was in itself a curiosity. The proprietor, who evidently thought, inpopular phrase, no small beer of himself, after a few introductory remarksabout the dignity of labour and doing honour to the intelligent worker,proceeded:-

"A man need have some courage to offer, amid the humours of a fair, andmusical tempests running loose, a serious exhibition. I AM THAT MAN!"*(* "C'est risquer gros jeu que de presenter au milieu des extravagancesforaines, de ce dechainement de tempetes musicales, une expositionserieuse. J'ai cette audace!")

The phrase "musical tempests" as applied to the orchestra of themerry-go-rounds appeared to me particularly happy. An adjoining boothadvertised itself as the Theatre d'Attractions du Nain Tonkinois. TheTonquinese Dwarf, according to the prospectus, was especially remarkableby his smallness of stature. He was eighteen years of age, and only

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seventy-two centimetres (twenty-eight inches) high. The TonquineseDwarf, however, was not the only attraction. A lady named Cleopatra wasadvertised to appear with him, and to perform some magical experiments ofa novel and amusing character. Need I say that I paid an early visit to theTonquinese Dwarf and his lady associate, even being guilty of theextravagance of paying thirty centimes for a front place. Of the TonquineseDwarf I will only say that he looked remarkably young for his age. Wewere informed that he would dance and sing a la mode de son pays, whichhe did accordingly, suggesting the reflection that the manners and languageof Tonquin were curiously like those of Belleville, but nobody seemed tomind. Whether the dwarf was a good specimen of Tonquinese I will notattempt to decide, not being a judge of the article, but as a dwarf he was notparticularly striking, and I waited with anxiety for the appearance of thelady conjurer, or conjuress. I cannot say that she was by any means the bestconjurer I have ever seen, but she was certainly the fattest. She was ahandsome woman of about eight-and-twenty. She was elegantly attired insilk tights and a spangled tunic, remarkably short in front, but (frommotives of delicacy, I presume) wore a flowing train behind. She performeda few very simple tricks, and then made a collection (for her marriageportion, it was hinted) with a bag at the end of a long stick. A similar bagand a corresponding stick seemed, by the way, to be part of thestock-in-trade of most of the booths giving a "variety" performance; theperformer, after finishing his or her turn, regularly coming round among theaudience on what the Professor facetiously described as a "centimental"journey.

Our own theatre was established in the Cours de Vincennes, where themajority of the more important shows were situated. Free use was made notonly of gas, but of the electric light, and the scene at night here wasextremely brilliant. The noise was considerable, but all was thoroughlygood humoured, and anything approaching intoxication was conspicuous byits absence. The vendors of the gingerbread, from which the fair takes itsname, and of the thousand and one other knicknacks which are offered onsuch occasions, had taken up their positions in the minor arteries of the fair,and here the row was positively deafening.

Of our own performance I need not speak at any length. But for the fact ofits taking place in a portable theatre, and of the two clowns making atremendous din outside to call attention to the show and to induce people toenter, there was not much to distinguish it from our ordinary provincialperformances. The fair lasted three weeks, and at the close the Professorexpressed himself very well satisfied with the result. I myself hadthoroughly enjoyed it, partly for the novelty of the experience, and partlyfor the opportunity it afforded me of becoming acquainted with thebeautiful city of Paris. I have visited it many a time since then, but havenever enjoyed it half so much as I did in my early Bohemian experience in

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the Cours de Vincennes.


Chapter XXI




CHAPTER XXII.A Spiritualistic Seance--Harmonising the Influences--Too Much

Light--Remarkable Manifestations--The Sceptical Doctor--The Professoropen to Conviction--The Third Sitting--A Sudden

Illumination--Discomfiture of the Medium--"How it wasDone"--Supplementary Revelations.

THE Gingerbread Fair was over, but we still remained in Paris. TheProfessor had been offered a temporary engagement, occupying about halfan hour every evening, at the Cirque d'Hiver, or Winter Circus, and withthis and sundry private engagements we were doing fairly well. For myown part, I found life in the Gay City so pleasant that I was in no hastewhatever to leave it, and was willing enough that the existing condition ofthings should be prolonged indefinitely.

The Professor had just concluded his "turn" at the Cirque d'Hiver oneevening, and we were putting away the few articles of apparatus which hadbeen used, when we were informed by one of the attendants that an Englishgentleman wished to say a few words to Professor Vosper. He wasadmitted, and introduced himself as Sir Reginald Thompson. After a fewcomplimentary remarks upon the excellence of the performance, hecontinued:-

"I came in this evening quite as a casual spectator, but while witnessingyour performance it struck me that, if you were willing, you would be thevery man to assist me in a little investigation I have in hand. I and somehalf-dozen friends have been 'sitting' with a spirit medium here, and havebeen a good deal puzzled with what we have seen. Most of my friendsbelieve that the phenomena are genuine. Personally, I don't know what tothink, but I rather suspect we are being humbugged, and I should greatlylike to get some clear proof one way or the other. I believe I am pretty wideawake, and I have kept a sharp look-out, but though I suspect fraud I can'tprove it."

"Is it a light or a dark seance?" asked the Professor.

"The seances are held in darkness, sometimes partial, sometimes total, and

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all present are pledged not to break the circle or to strike a light, which, ofcourse, makes detection very difficult. However, with your professionalknowledge, you might be able to devise some satisfactory test. In any case,I should like you to be present at a seance, and I should be happy to pay ahandsome fee for your trouble."

"I am quite willing," said the Professor. "But a single sitting would be ofvery little use. And mind, I cannot at all guarantee that I shall discover thefraud, even if any such is practised. It must be a poor trick that isdiscoverable off-hand, and the conditions you name, though to my mindthey in themselves raise a strong suspicion of fraud, of course greatlydiminish the chance of detecting it."

"That I quite understand; I don't ask you to guarantee any result. All I ask isthat you will give me the benefit of your professional knowledge and yourcandid opinion of what you may see."

"Upon that understanding I shall be very happy to give you any assistancein my power. I should like, if possible, to have at least three sittings; Ishould also like my assistant Mr. Hazard, to be present, if you have noobjection.

This last request was occasioned by sundry telegraphic signals which I hadbeen making behind the back of the visitor.

"By all means," said Sir Reginald. "But, now I come to think of it, you havebeen in Paris some time, and it is not unlikely that our medium, Mr. Cargill,may have witnessed your performance, and may know you again."

"That is not impossible," said Vosper, "and if a medium is aware that aprofessional conjurer is present the manifestations are apt to dry up in amost unaccountable manner. We had better come incognito. We shall haveno difficulty in disguising our identity sufficiently to pass muster. Pleaseconsider, for the time being, that my name is Wilkinson and my assistant'sPaulett. We are acquaintances of yours, but strangers to each other. I mustask you, by the way, to make the meetings tolerably late in the evening.'Our turn' here lasts till nine, and you must allow us half an hour to makeour arrangements and reach the place of meeting."

"By all means," said Sir Reginald. "I will make an appointment for the firstmeeting at once, and let you know by letter what is decided on."

Accordingly, two days later, a note came to hand from Sir Reginald,informing us that he had appointed the following Monday, at his ownrooms in the Avenue de l'Opera for the first meeting.

Mrs. Carrick's talent in "make-up" had been employed to good purpose onour behalf, and few would have recognised in the full-bearded Mr.Wilkinson the smooth-shaven Professor Vosper, or in the

Chapter XXII


elegantly-moustached Mr. Paulett his still smoother assistant, Dick Hazard.We arrived separately, and were formally introduced to each other and thecompany by our host. The persons present, other than the medium, wereMajor Marjoribanks, a tall, military-looking man; a Mr. Tozer, a florid,loud-voiced gentleman, who looked like a country squire; a thin, paleyoung man, who was introduced as Mr. Vincent; an American gentlemannamed Padbury and his wife, and a Dr. Seward, a middle-aged man, with aslight cast in one eye, and very black hair and moustache. The medium, Mr.Cargill, was a young man of short build and somewhat heavy appearance,and spoke with a slight American accent. A second lady, who wasintroduced to us as Miss Musgrave, was also present.

There was a large loo-table in the room. We sat around it, our hands laidflat upon it and our little fingers crossing those of our next neighbours. Aguitar, a musical box, and a couple of tambourines were laid in the centre."These gentlemen are aware of the conditions, and accept them, Ipresume?" said the medium, addressing Sir Reginald. "That no one is tostrike a light or break the circle?" said the supposed Mr. Wilkinson."Certainly; that is always understood." "And the other gentleman?" askedthe medium. Taking my cue from the Professor, I expressed my willingnessto be bound by the same conditions. The gas was turned down to the pointof "darkness visible," and we waited in expectation, the medium sittingbetween Dr. Seward, on the one side, and Mrs. Padbury, on the other. MissMusgrave sat on the opposite side of Dr. Seward; I was placed between SirReginald and Mr. Padbury, and the Professor between Mrs. Padbury andMr. Vincent. For some time we sat without any result, when the mediumsuggested that it might be as well to have a little singing, in order toharmonise the influences. There was a little diffidence as to who shouldlead, but Miss Musgrave finally began, in a voice like the bleat of anasthmatic lamb, "Hand in hand with angels," which was forthwith taken upby the rest of the company. I cannot say that in a musical sense it was avery successful performance; indeed, it brought to my mind so forciblyGoles and his broken-winded concertina that it was with the utmostdifficulty that I refrained from scandalising the company by laughing aloud.Happily I managed to control my emotions, and presently the medium wasseized with one of those convulsive wriggles which are considered to beindicative of spirit presence. "Are you here, dear spirits?" asked the timidvoice of Miss Musgrave. The table tilted three times, being theconventional signal for "Yes." "Are the conditions favourable?" was asked,to which the reply was a single knock, indicating a negative. "Can weimprove them?" "Yes." "Are we wrongly seated?" "No." "Have we toomuch light?" "Yes."

The gas was now turned out altogether, "Mr. Wilkinson" taking uponhimself this service. This done, the seance began to grow much livelier. Theguitar appeared to float about over our heads, the strings being meanwhile

Chapter XXII


strummed by some invisible hand. The tambourines also appeared to floatabout, the "jingles" making a merry rattling as they flew over our heads. Abeautiful luminous star appeared high above the table; the musical boxspontaneously began to play "Home, Sweet Home"; a hand pinched mycheek in a playful manner, and others of the company also declared thatspirit-hands had touched them. My own feeling was one of profoundthankfulness that the spirit had not chanced to get hold of my moustache,which would in all probability have come off in his hand, and therebyoccasioned me serious embarrassment. After some twenty minutes orthereabouts of this kind of thing, three loud knocks came without anyquestion having been asked; and it was remarked by the initiated that thatwas the spirits' "good-night," and that it was useless to expect any moremanifestations. Accordingly the gas was lighted, and I found the most ofthose present considered that we had had a very successful seance. Themajority were evidently believers; the exceptions being Sir Reginald, whodeclined to express any opinion, Major Majoribanks, who was politelyincredulous, and Dr. Seward, who was still more outspoken in hisscepticism, and declared that it would take a great deal more than he hadseen hitherto before he should be induced to believe in it. "Why couldn't thesame effects," he asked, "be produced in broad daylight? There would besome sense in that." The medium reminded him that there are wellascertained physical phenomena, as for instance in the case of photography,for which darkness is equally essential. The Doctor was still unconvinced,and a little ungentlemanly, I thought, in his manner of expressing hisscepticism. At last the medium, showing a shade of annoyance, said, "Well,sir, if what you have seen does not satisfy you, I don't know what will. Youwere seated next me, and you held my hand yourself." "One hand," said thedoctor, rather rudely. "Yes; I will undertake that you did not play any tricksupon that side, but who is to answer for the other?" "I can," said Mrs.Padbury, drawing herself up with dignity. "I ain't quite a fool. I reckon Iknow well enough whether I'm squeezing a man's hand or not, and I tellyeou that I never quitted hold of Mr. Cargill's hand the hull time.""Humph!" said the Doctor, still evidently unconvinced. His scepticism wasso unpleasantly expressed, that the remainder of the company almostunanimously took part against him, even the Professor remarking that, inthe face of such a decided assurance on the part of Mrs. Padbury, there wasreally no more to be said. The company shortly afterwards broke up, theProfessor and myself still keeping up the fiction of being strangers to eachother, and walking off in different directions.

We breakfasted by invitation with Sir Reginald on the following morning.Our host was extremely anxious to know what we thought of the previousevening's manifestations, but the Professor was not to be drawn into apremature expression of opinion. In reply, at last, to a point-blank questionon the subject, he said:-

Chapter XXII


"Really, my dear sir, up to the present time I have not formed any definiteopinion on the subject. I warned you, as you may remember, that I expectedto derive very little information from a single sitting. What we saw lastnight was curious, and at first sight inexplicable, but I should require verymuch stronger evidence before I jumped to the conclusion that it was thework of spirits."

"That is what Dr. Seward always says. But he seems just as much at a lossas the rest of us to suggest any other explanation."

"Dr. Seward? Ah, that is the sceptical gentleman. How did you make hisacquaintance, by the way? Is he a personal friend of yours?"

"Well, hardly that. I had chanced to meet him once or twice at the CafeAnglais and Galignani's; and something or other came up which showedthat he was interested in spiritualism, and I invited him, or he invitedhimself, I hardly know which, to one of our seances. He is a thoroughsceptic, as you have seen, and showed so much acuteness in devising tests,and so on, that I have since invited him regularly to our meetings. In fact, Ihave let him take pretty much the direction of the seances. But he carrieshis scepticism a little too far, and occasionally is almost offensive, not onlyto the medium, but to the rest of the company. I think, now that I have yourassistance, I shall drop him."

"No, don't do that, please; at any rate just at present. I would rather youmade as little change as possible in your circle. And the other members?Excuse the question, but I want to understand precisely how far we candepend upon them. Are they all personal friends of yours, or merely chanceacquaintances?"

"Mostly personal friends. Majoribanks and myself served in the sameregiment, and Tozer is almost my next-door neighbour in Worcestershire.Miss Musgrave is his niece, and keeps house for him. Vincent is the son ofa very old friend of mine; Mr. and Mrs. Padbury are new acquaintances, butthey brought letters of introduction to me from a man who showed me greathospitality a year or two back, when I visited the States, and of whom Ihave a high opinion. They are not very refined, according to Europeannotions, but I believe thoroughly square and straightforward."

"Then we may assume, I suppose, that every member of the party is to betrusted."

"Not a doubt of it, I should say. Whatever Cargill does he must dosingle-handed, for I am quite sure he can have no confederates in our case,and that is what bothers me. I am very reluctant to accept the 'spirit'hypothesis, and yet I see no other explanation. I suppose, by the way, youare an absolute unbeliever in such matters."

"Well, I think it is rather a dangerous thing to set bounds to possibility. The

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impossibility of one age is rather apt to become the accomplished fact ofthe next. With regard to this spiritualistic question, I am fully persuadedthat nine-tenths of the so-called manifestations are utter rubbish. As to theremaining tenth, men whose evidence I should feel bound to accept in anyother matter assure me that they have seen such and such things, apparentlysupernatural, under circumstances which seem to preclude the possibility ofdeception. What is one to say in such cases? It is poor logic to say, becausea man claims to have seen something that I haven't, that he must be either afool or a liar, which is the popular way of disposing of the matter.

"That looks as if you were half inclined to be a believer."

"By no means. I am quite willing to believe, on proof, but proof in my casehas never been attainable. I generally put the question, when anybody givesme some startling account of apparently inexplicable phenomena, 'Wouldyou have believed it yourself if you had not seen it with your own eyes?' Asa rule the reply is 'No'; in which case it is obviously fair to retort, 'Then youmust excuse my not believing it till I have seen it also.'"

"And you have never been able to confirm such accounts by personalobservation?"

"Never. Either the so-called marvel, when I do come to see it, has shrivelleddown to something capable of a perfectly commonplace explanation, or, asmore frequently happens if a conjuror is known to be present, the spiritsdecline to perform at all. There is not the smallest reason why they should,so far as I am concerned, for as I have just told you, I am perfectly open toconviction, if conviction were attainable."

"Perhaps you are destined to be convinced on this occasion," said SirReginald. "At any rate your presence last night did not prevent themanifestations."

"Mr. Wilkinson's presence did not," said the Professor with a quizzicallook. "But I am not so sure that Professor Vosper's would not have done so.There is something in a name now and then, you may depend; Shakespeareto the contrary notwithstanding. A conjurer by his professional name doescertainly not smell as sweet in spiritualistic circles."

Our second sitting took place a few evenings later, the same company beingpresent. The incidents were much the same as on the previous occasion. Dr.Seward was again almost offensive in his incredulity. He insisted onhimself holding one hand of the medium, and suggested that Sir Reginaldshould take charge of the other, which was done accordingly, thoughwithout at all affecting the result, the manifestations taking place as before,with some additions. For instance, a chair which had been standing outsidethe circle was lifted on to the centre of the table. The musical-box played,as before, and the guitar and tambourines repeated their gyrations over the

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heads of the party. Mysterious hands wandered about under the table andtwitched at the skirts and trouser-legs of the company. The manifestationswere really very surprising, and enhanced as they were in effect by thelugubrious singing and the surrounding darkness, I myself almost began tobelieve that there must be something supernatural about them, and I said asmuch to the Professor as we walked home together. Vosper smiled.

"Reserve your opinion, my dear fellow, until after our next sitting."

I tried hard to make him say more, but could not. Fortunately I had not verylong to wait, for our third seance was to take place the next evening.

At the appointed time we met as usual, the party being the same, save thatMr. and Mrs. Padbury chanced to be absent. The medium was placedbetween the sceptical doctor on the one side, and Mr. Tozer on the other.Sir Reginald as usual locked the door, and put the key in his pocket. TheProfessor, as on the previous occasions, undertook the office of turning outand re-lighting the gas. There was the usual preliminary singing, andpresently one of the tambourines was heard to rise from the table andcommence its buzzing flight over the heads of the company, themusical-box began to play, and the luminous star made its appearance andfloated above the table. There was a general exclamation of satisfaction, foron previous occasions it had taken much longer to produce thesemanifestations, when suddenly, a bright light illumined the room, andrevealed-the sceptical doctor, no longer holding fast the left hand of themedium, but holding the tambourine in his teeth and agitating it violently,while with his own disengaged right hand he held a telescopicfishing-rod-like apparatus at the upper end whereof dangled a star-shapedpiece of white cardboard. The medium's disengaged hand was grasping oneof the guitars on the table.

There was a scene of indescribable confusion. The first thought, I fancy,with all present was as to the cause of the sudden illumination, which wasseen on examination to proceed from an incandescent electric lightsuspended on the Professor's breast. The so-called Doctor made a dash at it,but I caught his eye just in time to penetrate his design. As he sprangforward I instinctively hit out at him and struck him heavily on the lowerjaw. He staggered and fell, and before he could pick himself up again,Vosper had lighted the gas, and we were no longer dependent on theelectric illumination. The medium seemed dumbfounded, but hisconfederate, finding it was hopeless to attempt to keep up the deception,tried to carry it off with bluster.

"Open that door, Sir Reginald, or I will go to the window and call for thepolice. Things have come to a pretty pass when an English baronet breakshis pledged word, and hires pugilists to assault his visitors."

"What pledge have I broken, sir?" asked Sir Reginald, haughtily.

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"Your promise that the circle should not be broken, and that a light shouldnot be struck; but you or your accomplices have done both. So much for thehonour of an English gentleman!"

Sir Reginald was about to make an angry reply when the Professorinterposed. "If you will allow me, Sir Reginald, I will answer this fellow.But first, Mr. Joseph Hayden, alias Dr. Semple, alias Dr. Seward, andhalf-a-dozen more, let me recommend you not to be quite so glib in talkingabout the police. We will call them in if you wish it, but in such case youwill probably leave in their company.

"I don't understand what you mean," said the soi-disant Doctor; but hisaltered expression showed that he did understand, pretty clearly. TheProfessor continued, addressing the company:-

"If you will allow me, gentlemen, I will explain all that has happened in avery few words. As a matter of fact there has been no breach of faithwhatever. My name is Vosper, and I am a professional conjurer. My friendMr. Hazard and myself were asked by Sir Reginald Thompson to assist himin testing the manifestations of Mr. Cargill. From the first I had mysuspicions of that sceptical gentleman there. I am rather sceptical myself,but I don't say quite so much about it, and it struck me that Dr. Seward'sscepticism was a little too ungentlemanly to be natural. Further, it struck methat Dr. Seward and I had met before. I remembered a certain Joe Hayden,who was kicked out of a travelling circus for dishonesty, and afterwardsturned quack doctor, socialist lecturer, and billiard-sharper, and I fancied Icould perceive just at the roots of that blue-black moustache a touch of thered bristles of Mr. Joseph Hayden. You can verify the fact for yourselves,gentlemen, if you look at him closely. Putting this and that together, itstruck me that he was probably in league with the medium, and that hisscepticism was assumed to give a fair excuse for sitting next to him andacting in concert with him. Of course, given the power of breaking thecircle, with one hand of the medium and one of his accomplice free, there isnothing at all surprising in any of the 'manifestations' you have seen."

"But the star?" asked one of the party.

"The star was a little piece of cardboard besmeared with luminous paint,and waved about at the end of a little apparatus like a telescopictoasting-fork. You saw it in use just now, but Mr. Hayden has now returnedit to his pocket. The musical-box was the first thing that verified mysuspicion of fraud. At our first meeting, in examining it, I casually droppeda pin into the works, so as to effectually stop its movement; but we had themusic notwithstanding, proving that it was actually produced by a secondmusical-box, which will be found on the person of one of those gentlemen.The guitar was waved about by their own hands in the dark, and knowingthat, I was enabled to set my little trap for their detection. I fastened an

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electric lamp here just inside my waistcoat, in conjunction with a battery inmy tail-pocket, but no light could be given without contact, and contactcould only be made by pulling this cord, which as you see ends in a loop.When I stood up to turn out the gas I slipped the loop over the neck of theguitar, and at the same time drew out the electric lamp and let it hang on mybreast. Then I joined hands with the rest of you. I knew that as soon asthose impostors began to handle the guitar they would pull the string andmake contact, which they did accordingly. It is they alone who have brokenthe circle, and they alone who turned on the light which has led to theirdiscomfiture."

There was a general murmur of approval. The Professor continued:-

"I don't think you will feel much doubt as to the correctness of myassertions, but if you please, Sir Reginald, we will make them a certainty bysearching those gentlemen on the spot. I pledge my reputation that you willfind on them the duplicate musical-box and the apparatus for producing theluminous star. I will also ask you to take off their shoes, which, you willobserve, are of the "Oxford" shape, so as to be readily slipped off and onagain. You will find that one at least of them has his foot bare beneath theshoe, so as to be able to use the toes for the purpose of pulling at ladies'dresses and gentlemen's coat-tails under the table."

The two scoundrels strenuously resisted the proposed search, but on SirReginald threatening, in the event of their noncompliance, to hand themover at once to the police, they submitted, and the Professor's predictionswere fully verified. Both had the tip of each sock cut off, leaving the toesbare to be used in quadrumanous fashion. A musical-box was foundstrapped to the leg of the medium, inside the trouser, so as to be broughteither in front or behind the knee, as might be desired, and in the formerposition to play upon pressure against the upper surface of the table. Thejointed metal rod and luminous star were found in the breast pocket of theso-called Dr. Seward.

The search completed, Sir Reginald threw open the door "You are free togo," he said to the convicted impostors. "I give you forty-eight hours' grace.After that time I shall send an account of the whole affair to the police. Ifyou are wise you will have left France, for it will be too hot to hold you."

The accomplices sneaked out, only too glad to escape upon such terms.When they had departed Sir Reginald said:-

"Professor Vosper, I owe you a sincere debt of gratitude for your invaluableservice in unmasking these scoundrels; you shall hear further from me inthe morning. But meanwhile there is just one thing puzzles me. I canunderstand that when the person holding one hand of the medium is anaccomplice it is easy enough to do all that we have seen, but I have had oneor two sittings with Cargill when none but my own personal friends were

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present, and I know that there was no possibility of collusion. Yet even thenthere were manifestations, not so decided, but still inexplicable, unless themedium could get one hand loose."

"He does get one hand loose," said the Professor. "Under cover of thedarkness, and of his convulsive shiverings, he moves his two hands nearerand nearer together. Those on either side naturally follow them. Finally,with an extra violent shiver, he jerks away one hand altogether. The personguarding it follows it up instantly, and crosses little fingers as before, orrather he thinks he does, for in reality his own little finger comes downacross the outstretched first finger of the medium's other hand. The mediumhas therefore two persons mounting guard over one of his hands (one overthe little finger and the other the first finger), while the other hand is free torattle tambourines, pull hair, tweak noses, &c. If two of you gentlemen willtake a seat, one on each side of me, and cross little fingers, as we have donethroughout the sittings, I will show you the method, though of course itwould only be deceptive in darkness."

This was done. The Professor gradually got both hands nearer together,then freed one of them, leaving his neighbours mounting guard over theremaining hand.

"That removes my only difficulty," said Sir Reginald. "I remember, nowthat it is recalled to me, that precisely the same sort of thing did take placeon the occasions I have referred to."

Shortly after this the company separated. The Professor received on thefollowing day a highly complimentary letter of thanks from Sir Reginald,enclosing a cheque for fifty guineas, and so ended my first and lastadventure in the World of Spirits.


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CHAPTER XXIII.Departure from Paris--A Round of Watering-Places--The Professor going

to the Bad--Lily--Hopes and Fears--A Terrible Verdict--Returning toBrighton--The Beginning of the End--A Last Promise--Lily's Legacy--Dust

to Dust--A Faithful Friend.

WE DID not long remain in Paris after the incident related in my lastchapter, but after an interval of a few weeks, started upon a professionaltour, embracing Boulogne, Dieppe, Trouville, and other watering-places onthe French coast. We met with varying fortunes, sometimes being very wellsupported, while at others, without any apparent reason for the difference,there seemed to be a lack of public interest, and nothing that we could dowould attract good houses. I continued to be on the best of terms with theProfessor and his family, and my pecuniary position was considerablyimproved, but we were hardly so merry a company as of yore, and Mrs.Vosper's face had begun to wear a Saddened expression, very different fromits former bright happy look. She had two causes of anxiety; first, that thehabit of strong drink was obviously growing upon her husband. He wasnow rarely satisfied with his single glass of grog at night, and it was by nomeans an uncommon occurrence for him to go to bed completelyintoxicated. As might naturally be expected, the effect of his over-nightindulgence made itself felt the next morning. He rose with aching head andfevered tongue, could eat little or no breakfast, and did not completelyrecover himself until he had taken the proverbial "hair of the dog that bithim," in the shape of a morning dram to steady his nerves.

Mrs. Vosper made no complaint, and screened him as much as she possiblycould, but it was clear that his irregularities were a constant grief to her. Shehad a second cause of anxiety in the health of Lily, who for some monthspast had been visibly ailing. She did not complain of any pain, and therewas no sign of any specific malady, but the child daily grew paler and paler,with an almost transparent whiteness of skin, and seemed to have nostrength for even the smallest exertion. She would spend hours curled up inone corner of a sofa, her faithful dog lying by her side, and one little thinwhite hand resting round his neck. Her beloved hymn-book was never veryfar away, but for the most part it lay unopened at her side, even the exertion

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of reading being too much for her enfeebled condition. She had by nomeans lost her old love for her favourites, and when alone she might oftenbe heard singing them to herself, but in so low and faint a voice that itseemed rather like some elfin echo than the song of a mortal maiden.

At first her parents had not thought very seriously of her condition. Theyfancied that she had simply outgrown her strength, and the doctors whowere called in-pleasant smooth-spoken gentlemen-generally contentedthemselves with prescribing a course of tonics, fresh air, and perfect rest,and did not suggest any doubt as to her ultimate recovery. Just before weleft Paris, however, as the child seemed to grow worse rather than better,Mrs. Vosper decided to take her to a very eminent Physician. She cameback speaking as cheerfully as ever, but I shall never forget the look ofheart-break in her eyes. She controlled herself while Lily was with us, butas soon as the child had been carried out of the room by her father and laidon her own bed, she broke into a passion of weeping, and it was some timebefore she could even tell us what had occurred. The great doctor had beenextremely kind, but the sum of his opinion was "no hope." He had talkedpleasantly and cheerfully to Lily, but had told her mother privately that thelate hours which the child had been compelled to keep, and the strain ofacquiring and using the complicated Clairvoyance Code, acting on a brainof unusual sensibility, had done irreparable mischief. Lily was like a flowerbroken at the stem, which tender care might keep alive for a little while, butwhich must wither only too quickly. And with this dagger in her heart theheroic little mother had ridden home with her stricken child, not a look or atone betraying her bitter knowledge, but doing her best to comfort andcheer her. Even now, in the first flush of her grief and self-reproach,-for shefelt that amid less trying surroundings the cherished life might have beenspared,-she would not give way to a loud-voiced sorrow, but sobbed andwrung her hands with a silent agony that was more touching than the mostpassionate outburst. The outbreak was soon over, and ere a quarter of anhour had passed, the brave little woman had dried her eyes and wascomforting the rest of us, and impressing on one and all the necessity forLily's sake of controlling our grief, and not alarming the child by any opendisplay of sorrow. She herself set a noble example in this particular. Manyand many a time I have wondered to hear her speaking in her usual cheerytone, so brightly sometimes that it has even crossed my mind, "Can shehave forgotten?" But a moment later I caught her eyes resting on the childunawares, and there was no forgetfulness there. "Truly, as I once heard agreat preacher say: there are crosses by the fireside as well as in theCalvary, and martyrs by wounded affection not less than by sword andflame."

Such was the position of affairs when our round of Continentalengagements came to an end. We crossed from Dieppe to Newhaven, beingfavoured, happily with a tolerably smooth passage, and once more took up

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our quarters at Brighton, where the Professor had undertaken to give aseries of performances at the Aquarium. We hoped against hope that thebright, bracing air might do Lily some good, but it was in vain. She wasvisibly fading, the French doctor's comparison of the broken blossombecoming daily more sadly appropriate. Mrs. Vosper was still as solicitousas ever not to alarm the child by letting her suspect her critical condition;but I could not help fancying that she already knew it. She showed no signof unhappiness or depression, but remained, as before, long hours togethercurled up on her sofa, with Tip at her side, now and then crooning to herselfverse of some favourite hymn; and I noticed that she seemed to give thepreference to such as dealt with the life to come. Most frequently of all onher lips was Faber's joyful aspiration:-

"O Paradise! O Paradise!Who doth not crave for rest?Who would not seek the happy land,Where they that loved are blest?

"Where loyal hearts, and true,Stand ever in the light,All rapture through and through,In God's most holy sight."

Whatever the choice of the moment, the key-note was the same; theyearning of the waiting soul for the glories of the Better Land.

One day her mother chanced to say in my presence, with respect to somearrangement for the future, "When Lily is well again." Lily looked at herwith a strange, wistful smile. "Mamma dear," she said, after a moment'spause; "you don't really think I shall ever be well again, do you?" Themother's lip quivered; she could not say "no," but she did not dare say"yes." "Why not, darling?" she said, "you are very weak, but if you couldonly gain a little strength-" "But I don't want to gain strength, mamma dear.Of course I am grieved to leave you, and grandmamma, and poor papa, andDick, and my dear old doggie. I wish you could all come too, but, as thatcan't be, I'm very happy as it is." "Why, darling, darling!" said her mother,and then her long brave self-restraint broke down. The floodgates of hergrief gave way, and flinging herself on her knees beside her child's couch,she wept as, happily, few women do weep, even in this world of tears. Alittle white hand stole round her neck and softly fondled her hair, "Hush,mother darling," said the child. "You must not grieve like that, or you willmake me think that I am going very far away. I like to think that I am onlygoing a little way before, and that some day soon, in a very few years,perhaps, we shall all be together again. Don't cry, mother darling; don't cry,my dear old Dick; it's all for the best. I don't think I should ever have beenvery strong, or of much use in this world, and if you only won't grieve I amperfectly willing to go. See, dear old Tip doesn't cry, and I think I am sorry

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for him most of all, because he won't understand."

But it seemed as if Tip, by some subtle sense, did understand. He stood onhis hind-legs and licked his little mistress's face. His tail wagged with asorrowful droop, and he uttered a plaintive whine, so sad, so unlikeordinary dog-language, that it went to all our hearts. Lily laughed andkissed the dog's sleek head, but her eyes filled, and a tear fell on his blacksnub nose. This little interruption gave Mrs. Vosper time to recover herself-control. She flung her arms round Lily, and said, "My darling, I will tryto say, 'God's will be done,' but don't speak so hopelessly."

The child's face brightened as she said, "It isn't hopelessly, mamma. Do youknow what I say to myself every night? 'A day's march nearer home.'"

From that day there was no longer any disguise as to Lily's condition.Indeed her increasing weakness would soon have made any disguiseuseless, even if the child's own hand had not so bravely lifted the veil. Soonshe ceased to be carried to the sofa, and remained propped up in bed bypillows. Her faithful Tip still lay by her side night and day; indeed he couldhardly be induced to leave her for a moment, and whined and whimperedcomplainingly unless he could feel her hand resting upon him. It becamedaily more and more evident that the end was not far off. The FairyViolante's name was withdrawn from the bills, for Mrs. Vosper would notspare a minute, if she could help it, from the bedside of her dying child.There was no such respite for her husband. Men must work while womenweep. There were the daily necessities of the household to be provided for,with the thousand-and-one additional calls which sickness creates, and aseach successive evening came round the Professor had to come up to time,wand in hand and smile on lip, and crack his jokes and exhibit his dexterityto amuse a careless crowd, while the shadow of death was hovering over hishousehold, and the life of his dearly loved child was ebbing fast away. Andyet he had never played better; never was his hand surer, or his jests moreglibly spoken. The Spartan boy, with the fox gnawing at his vitals, scarcelyendured a more cruel ordeal, or bore it with greater fortitude.

His first act, after the performance was over, was to hasten off to inquire thelast news of his dying child; his next, I grieve to say, to recruit hisover-taxed forces and to drown his sorrow in drink. Mrs. Vosper, who hadso deeply felt his earlier irregularities, now hardly seemed to notice hisexcesses, the greater sorrow having for the time swallowed up all minortroubles. On several occasions, however, I saw Lily herself watching himwith a sad, yearning gaze, and I felt sure that his intemperance was anintense and constant grief to her.

From day to day Lily's weakness increased, and we felt that the end must bedrawing terribly near, when one Sunday morning, after Vosper had beenmore than usually overcome by drink the night before, Lily surprised us all

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by saying she wanted to talk to papa alone; and for nearly an hour theywere alone together. What took place between them in that solemn hour isonly known to Him from whom no secrets are hid, but at its close the doorwas opened, and the Professor asked us all to come in. His eyes were dry,but red and swollen, like those of a man who has no more tears to shed."Lily has asked me to give her a promise," he said, "and I want you all towitness it. From this day, God helping me, I will never touch strong drinkagain!" "Thanks, darling papa," said Lily, holding out her arms to him, "youhave made me very, very happy. I don't think I could have died in peace ifyou had not given me your promise." "And God help you to keep it, mydear old man," said his wife, embracing him in turn; "we will think of it asLily's legacy. She could not leave us a better gift."

Tears stood in all our eyes, but the sick girl's face lighted up with a happysmile, and she repeated "Yes, let it be Lily's legacy. And here is a legacy foryou, Dick. They were happy times, out on the Downs last summer, weren'tthey, Dick? I want you to have my dear old hymn-book to remind you ofthem."

I took the book and kissed the little hand that gave it, but my heart was toofull to speak. I knew that Lily would not have given away her cherishedcompanion until she felt that she had done with earthly things. And so itproved. For the rest of the day she was only now and then conscious;sometimes apparently dozing, sometimes lying with half-open eyes, andbabbling of music and flowers, and of a lovely river which seemed toweave itself into her waking dreams. Sometimes she would murmur a lineor two of one of her favourites. Now and then she seemed to be in distressbecause the continuation of a line had escaped her. If we were able to giveher the missing word she would smile contentedly, and go on for anotherline or two, till she again sank into a doze, or drifted into a light-headeddream.

And thus the day went on, we, the watchers, gathered round her bed, halffearing, at each ebb or flow of consciousness, that the passing minute wouldbe her last. At last, a little before seven o'clock in the evening, as she laywith the windows open, and the sound of the neighbouring church-bellscame in upon the evening air, after a longer than usual spell of drowsinessshe opened her eyes; we thought she was going to speak to us, but sheremained silent, and we could see that the mind was far away. For someminutes she lay thus gazing into space, and a smile like a summer sunsetcame into her sweet blue eyes. Then softly her eyelids closed, but her lipsmoved once more, and breathed rather than spoke the words, "Peace,perfect peace." And with those words of happy omen the wearied bodyslept, and the freed soul took its upward flight into the perfect peace ofHeaven.

Three days later, we stood, a sorrowful company, in a little country

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churchyard not far from Brighton, and committed all that was left of Lily tothe earth. The sun was shining and the birds singing, as if to rebuke ourgrief, but it was not to be restrained. Even to myself, though a stranger inblood, it seemed for the time that in losing my little friend and playfellow, Iwas losing all that made life desirable. The grief of the stricken parents whoshall measure? On the whole, Mrs. Vosper showed the most self-control.Mrs. Carrick wept quietly but unceasingly. Vosper bore up bravely until thecoffin was lowered into the grave, and he heard the rattle of the earth uponit, but then he broke down. "My little Lily! My one little Lily! I can't bear it.Oh, Lily, Lily!" and his frame was agitated so violently by his sobs, that Ifeared he would have fallen into the open grave. His wife put her handgently on his arm, and said through her own tears, "The Lord gave and theLord has taken away; we must try not to forget that, Jim. We shall go toher, though she cannot come back to us. Come, Jim dear, be brave!" Helooked at her as if the words had no meaning, and sobbed again, "My littleLily! O my little Lily!" The good old clergyman who had read the servicewas touched with his grief, and there were tears in his own eyes as he said,"Earth is full of partings, my dear friend; I too have a beloved daughterlying in this churchyard. Try to remember that your great loss is your child'sfar greater gain, and may God comfort you." "Come, Jim," said his wife,putting her arm through his to lead him away, and we turned to quit thechurchyard, when there was a sorrowful wail from under Mrs. Vosper'scloak. "What is that?" said the clergyman, in surprise, "a child?" "No, sir,"said Mrs. Vosper, "only a dog, her dog."

Poor Tip had whined so piteously when the sad procession left the house,and had so unmistakably entreated to be taken with us, that Mrs. Vosperhad not had the heart to leave him behind, but had carried him in her arms,beneath her cloak, to the churchyard. Up to the present time he hadremained quiet enough, only now and then giving an almost human sob, buthe seemed to know somehow that we were leaving his beloved mistressbehind, and he struggled and whined to be left with her. With greatdifficulty we succeeded in quieting him and taking him home. But not forlong. Scarcely had we reached our lodging when Tip was missing. Werightly guessed where he would be found. I went in search of him, andfound him lying on the new-made grave. I took him home once more, andwe tried our best to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted, and thenext morning he was again missing. Again I sought and found him. A thirdtime the same thing happened, but this time the faithful heart beat nolonger. Tip lay, cold and still, true even in death to the dear mistress he hadloved so well.

Another new-made grave was close at hand, and the sexton's spade laybeside it. With tender reverence I dug a little grave at Lily's feet and laidpoor Tip within it. Does Lily know it: who shall say? And if, as the poetsings, "Love is Heaven and Heaven is Love," who shall say but in the great

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Hereafter there may be some place in the "many mansions" for these ourhumble friends, who have neither toiled nor spun, but with whom Love hasbeen all in all?


Chapter XXIII




CHAPTER XXIVA Stricken Household--A Gallant Struggle--Victory at Last--A Council ofWar--Shall we go to America?--Hesitation--A Letter from the Major--The

Death of Uncle Bumpus--Attending the Funeral--The Reading of theWill--Refusing a Legacy--A Family Conclave--Unexpected Revelations.

TIME ran on, and events had fallen back into their accustomed groove sofar as our outward life was concerned, but the brightness of the householdhad departed. Even Mrs. Vosper, formerly so light of heart, and to be heardsinging like a bird over her daily work, now went about grave and silent,smiling once in a while, but with a smile that was almost sadder than tears.Vosper was an altered man. The death of his child had been followed by anillness of some weeks, during which I had had to take his place. His wifenursed him through his illness and recovery with unremitting devotion. Hefaithfully adhered to the promise given to his dying child, and had strictlyabstained from all intoxicating liquors, but it was unmistakably a severetrial to him to do so. At no time, probably, could the struggle have beengreater. He felt instinctively, however, that the more intense the craving, themore utter and complete would be his downfall if he were to give way to it.What may have been his inward struggles who shall say? We who knewhim well saw the outward signs and tokens of the conflict, and could formsome notion how fierce it was. Happily, if the tempter was always at hisside, so also was his good angel, in the shape of his faithful little wife. Sheherself, though no one could have had less need, had voluntarily taken thetotal-abstinence pledge in order to help him, saying, with a glint of her oldbright humour, that what was "sauce for the gander" was "sauce for thegoose," and when she saw him more than ordinarily tried would remindhim, by some little tender allusion, of Lily, the thought of whom neverfailed to give fresh strength to his good resolutions. Gradually the strugglegrew fainter and fainter. The devil so stoutly resisted fled at last. The lovinghands of the dead child and the living wife had led their champion past thedangerous ground. The victory was won, the fatal thirst was conquered, andVosper was a free man once more.

The battle, however, had not been bloodless. When the Professor hadsufficiently recovered to resume his place on the platform he looked ten

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years older. His hair, formerly black as the raven's wing, was nowabundantly threaded with silver, and his bright geniality had fled. Hismanner was as polished, his jests as witty, as of yore, but they lacked thespontaneity, the merry humour that had given them life and colour, and hadwon him the instant sympathy of his hearers. The change did not fail to tellupon his audiences, which began to fall off seriously, both in point ofnumbers and enthusiasm, with a corresponding decrease in the receipts.Vosper himself was perfectly sensible of the alteration and of its cause, andin a family council it was decided, on Mrs. Vosper's suggestion, to try a tripto America. The little woman wisely fancied that an entire change of sceneand surroundings would be the most likely means of restoring tone to herhusband's mind, and that amid the inevitable excitements of a voyage andof arranging for performances in a new country he would have at any rate abetter chance of forgetting, to some extent, the past sorrow, and of throwingoff the morbid condition of mind thereby occasioned.

As a matter of course I was invited to accompany the party, but I did notjump at the proposal so readily as I should probably have done a year and ahalf earlier. I quite agreed that the plan was the best that could be adoptedunder the circumstances, but I felt that there was nothing to guarantee itssuccess, and if it was a failure I might be thrown, in a strange country, onmy own resources. I might have considerable difficulty in finding anotherberth as assistant to a conjurer, and I could hardly expect at the age ofeighteen to take a more leading position, even if I had been possessed of thecapital to purchase the necessary "fit-up," and apparatus. Further, though itis humiliating to have to make the confession, I did not regard conjuring, asa profession, in quite such a rosy light as I had done at the commencementof my experience. I had been fortunate in falling in with the Vospers, whowere high-minded and honourable people, with the instinctivegood-breeding which comes, not of education, but of kindliness andunselfishness. Indeed, I never knew a couple who more worthily illustratedthe wholesome sentiment of the poet (written, by the way, before he had acoronet of his own):-

"Kind hearts are more than coronets,And simple faith than Norman blood."

But I had had occasion in my comparatively short experience to make theacquaintance of a good many professional conjurers. Many of them werethe best of good fellows, but others left a good deal to be desired, both as torefinement of manners and integrity of character. Further, I had seen inVosper's own case what a hard and fatiguing life that of a public performerwas; what a drain upon the vital energies it occasioned, and what atemptation to supply that drain by recourse to an even more exhaustingremedy.

I had tasted and appreciated to the full the sweets of popular applause, and I

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had lost none of my love for conjuring in itself, but as a means of earning alivelihood I could not but admit, in my own mind, that it was not quite allthat my fancy had painted it. I still regarded Uncle Bumpus' counting-housewith undiminished aversion, but, short of that dread alternative, I felt that Iwould rather embrace the most prosaic of occupations than face theuncertain future involved in a trip to America under present circumstances.And yet I did not see any available alternative. I had been, ever since mymeeting with Mr. Vernon, in regular correspondence with my mother andthe Major, but I had always made a point in writing to them of putting thebest face possible upon my fortunes, and to have to confess that I hadchanged my mind, and eat the "humble pie" which, far more often than"fatted calf," is set before returning prodigals, was extremely distasteful tome.

How the struggle would have ended I cannot say. I am inclined to think Ishould have made up my mind to "chance" it and to go to America, whenan event occurred which materially altered my position. The first intimationof the news came in a letter from the Major, which was to the followingeffect:-

"My DEAR DICK,

"I am sorry to have to tell you that your Uncle Bumpus is dead. He felldown two days ago in an apoplectic fit, and did not regain consciousnessuntil a short time before his death, which took place at seven o'clockyesterday evening.

"The funeral will take place on Saturday, and it is your mother's desire thatyou should if possible attend it; also Peter, if we can manage to get himhere in time. I heard yesterday that his ship had just arrived at Queenstown,and have telegraphed him accordingly.

"After the funeral, your uncle's will will be read, and I am told by Mr.Gregson, his solicitor, that you and Peter are materially interested in it,which is an additional reason for your endeavourlng to be present.

"Your mother is greatly excited at the prospect of seeing you, and hopesyou will arrange to stay at home as long as possible.

Between ourselves, my dear boy, her health has not been good of late, and Ithink you may be glad hereafter to have strained a point to please her.

"Ever your sincere friend,

"ARTHUR MANLY."

I showed this letter to the Professor, who gave me carte blanche to go assoon as I thought necessary, but as I could not immediately procure adeputy, and I would not put him to inconvenience by leaving till I had done

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so, I found it would be impossible to reach London save just in time for thefuneral. I wrote to the Major accordingly, and on my arrival in London,drove direct to my uncle's house. Here I found assembled the Major, mybrother Peter, Mr. Dossett, an old friend of my uncle, his medical man, Dr.Todd, and his solicitor, Mr. Gregson. It was two years since I had seenPeter, who looked very well in his sailor costume, and about half as largeagain, it seemed to me, as when I saw him last. I did not grudge him hisincreased stature, but I must say I envied him his beard.

The funeral was a very imposing affair, having been arranged under thepersonal supervision of Aunt Priscilla, and the refreshments were on a scalewhich would have elicited an energetic remonstrance from Uncle Bumpushimself, if he had been in a position to express an opinion. I made somelittle complimentary remark to Aunt Priscilla on the lavishness of herpreparations. "Proper respect, my dear boy," she replied. "Only ProperRespect. If your poor uncle shouldn't have it I'm sure I don't know whoshould." And I am satisfied that the good soul, who was sincerely attachedto her brother, really thought that in some queer way she was paying acomplement to his memory by making the occasion a sort of feast in hishonour. My dear mother was present, dressed in the deepest of crape, butslightly incoherent, her mind oscillating between regret,-half genuine andhalf conventional-for the deceased, and a wholly genuine delight at havingboth her wandering sons back with her. What with tears on the one handand smiles on the other; with recollections of how Uncle Bumpus had oncegiven her a pair of plated candlesticks; remarks on Peter's naval costumeand broadened shoulders, and expressions of satisfaction that I had notadopted the hairdressing profession,-she ultimately got things so mixed thatit was almost a relief when it was time for the funeral procession to leavethe house. There were two mourning-carriages, with a profusion of noddingplumes, and a perfect host of pages, mutes and other funeral satellites. TheMajor, Peter, and myself, with Mr. Dossett, got into the first carriage, whilethe two professional gentlemen rode in the second.

The ride to Highgate Cemetery was a long one, and conversation did notflag on the way, but the only allusion to Uncle Bumpus was a remark fromhis friend Dossett, to the effect that the old gentleman ought to "cut upwell," and that he "shouldn't wonder"-this with great unction-" if it turnedout to be a matter of twenty thousand." The service at the Cemetery wasperformed with the solemnity appropriate to such an expensive funeral, andthen we all got into the carriages again, not a tear having been shed, or evenpretended to be shed, by any one during the entire proceedings. I could notforbear contrasting the whole ceremony with that other far different funeralin the little Sussex churchyard, and the rain of tears that watered our brokenLily; and I wondered whether the good man now gone to his rest, amidmuch respect but scant affection, might not have made a wiser use of life ifhe had striven a little less to accumulate Money, and a little more to gather

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Love.

On our return to the house the blinds were drawn up, and after due justicehad been done to Aunt Priscilla's hospitable preparations, we assembled inthe drawing-room to hear the will read. Before the lawyer began, he said,addressing my mother:-

"You have a servant, I think, called Jemima Jackett?"

"Yes," said my mother. "She came here to-day with me; she is at presentdownstairs in the kitchen."

"She is mentioned in the will," said the lawyer, "and therefore she may aswell be present."

"Certainly," said my mother. "Dick, will you go and ask her to step up?"

I accordingly descended to the lower regions. Jemima's first proceeding wasto exclaim, "My dear senses, if it isn't Master Dick!" Her next was to upsetmy dignity and rumple my shirtfront by giving me a good hug. I had takenthe same sort of thing as a compliment when I was smaller, but at mypresent advanced age such an open demonstration of affection, particularlyin the presence of Aunt Priscilla's cook, was rather trying. However,Jemima's intentions were so obviously honourable that I pocketed theaffront, and gave her my mother's message, that she was to come upstairsand hear the reading of Uncle Bumpus' will. If I had told her that she was totake instant command of the Channel Fleet, or that she was about to be triedfor burglary, she could have hardly have shown more surprise.

"Me!" she said, "me go upstairs along o' the Major, and the Doctor, and thatthere lawyer chap! A-sittin' with my mouth open like a mazegerry pattick!*(* A Cornish equivalent for "idiot.") Get along with you, Master Dick;you'm poking fun at me!"

"I assure you it is not so, Jemima. From what Mr. Gregson said I imaginethat Uncle Bumpus himself wished you to be present."

"Then the more he wants me, the more I won't come, and so I tell 'ee. Ainterferin' old-But, lor, poor man, he's dead and gone, and I won't say noharm of him. But go upstairs I won't, and that's flat!"

And doubtless she would have persevered in her intention, but the partyupstairs getting, I presume, impatient, my mother herself came to the top ofthe stairs, and called "Jemima, I want you." Being thus satisfied that shereally was wanted, and that I was not hoaxing her, she reluctantly followedme, and took up her position, with a very red face and her hands rolled upin her apron, on a chair behind the door.

As soon as we were seated, Mr. Gregson said, "You are called together,ladies and gentlemen, to hear the will of our friend the late Peter Bumpus,

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which I will read accordingly," and he began as follows:-

"I, Peter Bumpus, of No. 501, Tottenham Court Road, hereby declare this tobe my last Will and Testament. I give and bequeath to my sister Priscilla anannuity of (200 per annum, and to my niece Maria Hazard an annuity of(100 per annum, for their respective natural lives. I bequeath to myesteemed friends Sampson Dossett, Phineas Todd, M.D., and GregoryGregson Nineteen guineas each, to be expended in the purchase ofmourning rings. I bequeath to Jemima Jackett, in recognition of her manyyears of faithful service to my niece Maria Hazard, the sum Of Fiftypounds."

If a paving-stone had suddenly fallen on Jemima's head she could hardlyhave looked more thunderstruck than by this last announcement. Her firstimpression apparently was that she had not heard aright, but on my mothergiving her a nod and a smile, and thereby confirming the intelligence, shethrew her apron over her head, and began to weep violently, rocking herselfbackwards and forwards. The lawyer looked towards her in a puzzledmanner, and proceeded:-

"And to Major Arthur Manly, if he shall consent to act as trustee in mannerand for the purposes hereinafter mentioned, the like sum of Fifty pounds.The rest and residue of my property real and personal and of whatevernature and kind soever, I bequeath to my sister Priscilla Bumpus and toMajor Arthur Manly before mentioned, their executors, administrators andassigns, upon trust to convert the same (or such part thereof as shall notalready consist of money) into money, and invest the proceeds thereof in orupon such stocks, funds and securities as are hereinafter mentioned. And toaccumulate the income to be produced therefrom until my two nephewsPeter Hazard and Richard Hazard shall attain the age of twenty-one years.And if my said nephews shall by that time have abandoned the vagabondlives they are at present leading, and shall have settled down to anyrespectable form of commercial or professional life (of which facts my saidtrustees shall be the sole judges), I declare that my said residuary estateshall be held in trust for the use and benefit of my said nephews in equalshares and proportions. Or if one only of my said nephews shall be foundwilling to abide by the conditions of the bequest then for such nephewalone. If neither shall be willing to abide by the terms of the bequest, thenand in that case I bequeath the whole of the said trust premises to theSociety for the Relief of Decayed Haberdashers."

The remainder of the will was merely formal, consisting chiefly of powersto do sundry things (I can't say exactly what) in certain events (which Ididn't quite understand) and concluded by appointing the Major and AuntPriscilla Executor and Executrix.

The close attention of the Major, and his pleased nod when he caught a

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sentence, or part of a sentence, which he fancied he could understand weresights to be seen. Jemima continued to sob audibly under her apron. Finally,when the reading was completed, she removed the apron from her head androlled it round her two arms, then marched boldly up to the table where Mr.Gregson was sitting, and said in a broken voice, "I can't take it. I won't takeit. Give it to the young gentlemen, mister. Just stick in a bit o' writin' to saythey're to have it. Do 'ee now, there's a good soul."

"Alter the testator's will!" said the lawyer in horror. "My good woman, itcan't be done."

"But I'm willin' of it, I tell 'ee. I don't want the old chap's money, and Ishould like the young gentlemen to have it."

"You can do what you like with it afterwards, but the testator has given it toyou, and the gift must take its course."

"But he wouldn't ha' given it me if he'd a known. Why, my dear life, I ha'called the old chap all the names I could put my tongue to."

"Not to his face, I suppose," said the Major. "I'm afraid we all get a littleabuse behind our backs at times. Look here, Jemima, Mr. Bumpus did notleave you this legacy on account of any politeness to him. He saysexpressly that it is a reward for your many years of faithful service to yourmistress, Mrs. Hazard, and all who know you will admit that that praise hasbeen fairly earned. Eh, Maria?"

"Yes, that it has," said my mother. "Jemima has been the most faithful anddevoted of friends, and I am sincerely glad of her good fortune."

"There, Jemima," said the Major, "you hear what your mistress says, andwe all thoroughly agree with her, so there is an end of the matter. Godownstairs and wash your face, and say no more about it."

With any one else Jemima would have still argued the matter, but even herunruly spirit was awed by the quiet Major. If Uncle Bumpus had heapedliteral instead of figurative coals of fire on her head she could hardly havelooked more uncomfortable or redder of countenance. Still sobbing that"he'd never ha' done it if he'd a known," she descended to the lower regions;and, as the newspaper reports say, tranquillity was restored.

The Major was the first to speak after her departure. "I don't profess tounderstand much of what you have been reading, Mr. Gregson, but I gatherthat, subject to certain conditions, these two young gentlemen are theresiduary legatees, and Miss Bumpus and myself are executors. May I ask ifyou have any idea of the probable amount of the estate?"

"That I cannot yet answer with any accuracy," said Mr. Gregson. "But Ithink yon may assume that the estate will not be under sixteen thousand

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pounds, and probably nearer eighteen. I shall be able to give you moreprecise information in a week or two. The annuities will of course be a firstcharge on the income."

"Quite so," said the Major. "And no definite decision is necessary on thepart of these young gentlemen, until they attain, or are about to attain, theage of twenty-one. Is that so?"

"Quite correct," said Mr. Gregson.

"Very good," said the Major. "Then we have plenty of time before us. Wemustn't let in the Decayed Haberdashers if we can possibly help it."

A few days later Peter and I were invited to meet my mother and the Majorin a family conclave. The Major told me afterwards that he had purposelyavoided all discussion of the matter in the meantime, in order that Peter andI might have an opportunity, of thinking quietly over the terms of UncleBumpus' bequest, without any risk of our being irritated by good adviceinto a foolish opposition. The reader may infer from this that the Majorconsidered us rather a pig-headed lot; and I think perhaps the extremedelicacy with which he handled us is open to that interpretation. But henever would admit it, and I therefore give myself the benefit of the doubt.The reader, being in my confidence, knows, which the Major did not, that Iwas beginning to be somewhat disillusioned as to the desirability ofconjuring as a means of livelihood, and not unwilling to welcome anythingwhich seemed to offer an honourable opening for escape from it. Thepresent position of affairs gave me just the opportunity I needed, and Imade up my mind at once to avail myself of it. In fact, I was in the positionof Mr. Gilbert's Curate, driven by threat of personal violence into thecommission of divers pleasant but unclerical actions:-

"For years I've longed for someExcuse for this revulsion;Now that excuse has come,I do it on compulsion!"

My course was clear. I would give up conjuring (professionally speaking)without a murmur, and settle down to some more prosaic and profitableoccupation, to be hereafter decided upon. But I felt for Peter. I felt verymuch for Peter. I knew that he was so passionately attached to the sea that itwould be a terrible sacrifice to him to give it up, and yet he must do so to beentitled to share in Uncle Bumpus' splendid gift. A happy thought struckme. Peter should not give up the sea, and yet he should have his full shareof the fortune. If he insisted on sticking to the sea, I should become entitledto the whole of the fortune, but I would share equally with him.Accordingly, just before the projected meeting, I went to the Major and toldhim my scheme. He heard me attentively, and nodded approval "Very good,Dick, my boy, very good indeed. A very sensible and generous resolution.

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If Peter should insist on keeping to the sea we shall know how to deal withthe matter."

With this little private understanding established between myself and theMajor, we met in family conclave. The Major constituted himself chairmanof the meeting, and began as follows:-

"My dear Maria, and my dear Dick and Peter, we are met to discuss theprovisions of your uncle's will, which, as you are aware, gives aconsiderable fortune to you two young gentlemen, conditionally on yourgiving up your present occupations, and taking to what your late uncle(rightly or wrongly) considered more genteel avocations. You, Maria, Iknow, have felt some anxiety lest these young gentlemen, who have showna good deal of liking in the past for having their own way, should, inpopular language, 'cut off their noses to spite their faces,' by declining toentertain any such change. It will be a relief to your mind, Maria" (I saw theMajor's eyes twinkle), "to know that my good friend Dick here hasexpressed his willingness to meet the testator's wishes. Further, knowing hisbrother's extreme devotion to the sea, he is willing, if Peter likes, to make atitle to the whole, leaving Peter free to follow his present profession, andwill then divide equally with him. This is a very sensible and brotherlyoffer, and one which, I think you will agree with me, Maria, does equalhonour to his head and heart."

I felt that I was getting more praise than I deserved, and that I was bound tointerpose.

"It's really no credit to me, Major; I'm tired of the conjuring business."

The Major took no notice of the interruption, but proceeded, with a freshtwinkle in his eye,-

"By a curious coincidence Peter has also come to me privately, and told mein confidence that he has had enough of the sea, but if Dick wishes to stickto the conjuring he will divide with Dick. Which is again very gratifying. Inany case I wouldn't give much for the chance of the DecayedHaberdashers."

Peter and I looked at each other.

"You jolly old humbug!"

"You venerable old impostor!"

Whereupon we shook hands and laughed heartily. My mother mutteredsomething about "so very nice on both sides," and burst into tears. I didn'tknow why she did so, and I don't think she quite knew herself, but weunderstood that her emotion was in some sort a testimony of approval, andaccepted it accordingly.

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Matters having been thus settled to the satisfaction of all parties, I wrote tothe Professor, telling him of my altered fortunes and of the consequentchange in my intentions. I received in return a letter full of the warmestcongratulations. If my good fortune had befallen my kind friendsthemselves they could hardly have rejoiced more sincerely over it. Afortnight later I stood on the deck of the good ship Antiope, bound for NewYork, to wish them farewell, and the word was hard to say on both sides.They had made me so thoroughly one of themselves that it was more likeparting with beloved relatives than mere everyday friends, and the link of acommon sorrow, still fresh in all our hearts, had drawn me still closer tothem. There were tears in all our eyes when the moment came to say"good-bye," and Mrs. Vosper threw her arms round my neck, and gave mea motherly hug, saying with a sob, "God bless and keep you, Dick; it's likelosing Lily twice over, to have to say good-bye to you.

The Professor was hardly less moved. "God bless you, my dear boy," hesaid, "you have been a true friend to us in a time of sad trouble, and wesha'n't forget your kindness."

"Nor I yours," I returned, with emotion, "and I wish you, one and all, thebest of good fortune in the new country, and a speedy return to the old one."

The Professor shook his head sadly. "I don't know; I'm half afraid that, asGimp would say, 'Othello's occupation's gone.'"

Gimp himself, by the way, had volunteered to accompany the emigrants,but his horror of the sea was so great that the Professor had declined toaccept his self-sacrifice, and had found him another berth in the oldcountry. The Duchess, of course, accompanied her daughter, and she toowas warm in her adieux, and in good wishes for my welfare.

I am glad to be able to record that Vosper's apprehensions provedunfounded. The rest and fresh air of the voyage, acting on a constitutionalready gaining strength by virtue of his altered habits, made a new man ofhim before he landed in New York, and according to the latest news, he wasnightly drawing crowded houses, and the Fairy Violante was even morepopular than she had been on her native soil.


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L'ENVOI.

A GOOD many years have elapsed since the events I have related. Withthe Professor's departure from England I ceased all connection with magicas a profession, my performances having since that time been limited tooccasional exhibitions en amateur at juvenile parties, where I find myselfgreatly respected. A very few words will suffice for the little that remains tobe told.

Aunt Priscilla has gone to her rest. The Major, my mother, and Jemima stillflourish, the Major as upright as ever, but scarcely so active; my mother,calm and placid; Jemima despotic as of yore, but still troubled in her mindat having, as she considers, obtained Uncle Bumpus' legacy under falsepretences.

Peter, after a short period of probation, decided to continue Uncle Bumpus'business, and tells me that he does not find it nearly so bad as imaginationpainted it. I myself have been for some years (I will not say how many) inpractice as a solicitor, and am gradually achieving a very comfortableconnection. I am glad to be able, with more intimate acquaintance, toexonerate the members of that highly respectable profession from thepiratical imputation so rashly cast upon them by Dibley Secundus in myDumpton College days. On the other hand, I am constantly tracing in mynew profession some pleasant little trait which reminds me of my old one.The constant endeavour to make a thing appear something totally different,the frequent protestations (though couched in more elaborate language) thatthere is "no deception," and last, but not least, the rapid disappearance, inmany of its processes, of the coin of the realm, are instances of thismysterious affinity, and make me feel that, although I no longer wield themagic wand, I may still fairly subscribe myself

CONJURER DICK.THE END.

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Chapter XXV


Chapter XXV


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