EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION - bill britten · EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How...
Transcript of EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION - bill britten · EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How...
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
1
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want?
This simple principle should drive everything you do and say in a negotiation.
And emotional intelligence will be central to making this happen because emotions drive
our decision-making and negotiations abound with them: anxiety, fear, relief, anger,
gratitude and embarrassment to name but a few.
In this paper I’ll explore the impact of emotion on negotiations, specifically looking at
how you can a) recognise them and b) work with them.
Firstly let’s look at the relationship between emotions and decisions.
Most of us like to see ourselves as rational creatures, carefully using our intellects to
work out the best strategy and then systematically, logically, executing it. But this is
really a delusion. Most decisions are actually made on the basis of how we feel, or how
we anticipate feeling, before we then seek rational justification for what we have already
decided. At best we invite logic to have an advisory input, a bit like the way we might
consult a friend, before allowing ‘gut feeling’ to make the executive decision.
Advertisers – those masters of persuading us to buy things - have known this for years.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
2
Consider, for example, this typical car ad from
1904, which makes a classic appeal to
consumer logic with its sensible list of features
and technical specifications.
But as advertising became more sophisticated
and advertisers understood more about what
actually drives our buying behaviour, the
emphasis shifted remorselessly in favour of
appealing to our emotions rather than our logic.
As this ad, from the late 1990s shows, logic now
often gets left out of the argument altogether.
The focus is no longer on what the car will do
and more on how owning it will make you feel - the va-va-voom.
As one advertising guru puts it: reason leads to
conclusion, emotion leads to action.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
3
Brain research also increasingly confirms the dominance of emotions in decision-
making. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio has studied the decision-making capacity of
people who have suffered injuries to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain where
emotions are generated. He found that their ability to make decisions was seriously
impaired, even in cases where their intellectual capacity was unaffected. Patients might
be able to describe logically what they should be doing, but in practice they found it very
difficult to make fundamental decisions about where to live, what to eat and so on.
(Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain - Antonio Damasio 1994)
AWARENESS
So what are the implications for negotiations?
To start with, to negotiate well you need to see clearly what’s going on emotionally for
both parties. Perversely it’s often easier to recognise other people’s emotions than to
see our own clearly. When we really put our attention on it, we’re generally not bad at
figuring out what other people are feeling. The signs are there in their choice of words,
facial expressions, body language, vocal tone and so on. The difficulty is to keep
seeing. We tend to get so focused on our own needs - especially in the heat of a
negotiation - that we stop looking, really looking at what’s going on on the other side of
the table. To do so takes a degree of rigour and discipline and practice, especially if
you’re used to thinking primarily in terms of logic.
It’s one of the reasons having more than one person in your negotiating team is such an
advantage.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
4
As one person leads the discussions, the other can monitor the emotional dynamic and
ask him or herself questions like:
• what emotions are preventing the other side agreeing to what I want?
• what are their fears and how can we allay them?
• what emotions would help them accept our proposal?
• are these individuals fundamentally seeking harmony or discord and how is this
affecting their reactions?
Now, of course, the other side may not want you to know how they are feeling. But
there is usually a split second when someone reacts spontaneously to a proposal before
they craft a conscious reaction – be it a poker-face or feigned indignation. And in this
moment before they take control of their facial muscles the careful observer gets a clue
as to what they genuinely think. But it’s amazing how many negotiators miss this
moment. We get so concerned with choosing our words that we are simply not looking
to see how our proposal lands.
HIDDEN FACTORS
A lot of significant emotional factors may even be completely hidden from you.
Consider, for example, the man who was heavily criticised by his boss last time he
negotiated a deal for being too soft. The likelihood is he will be keen not to open himself
up to that charge again resulting in all sorts of anxieties and ambitions. He may even
subconsciously be looking for reasons not to do a deal so as to prove how tough he is.
Or someone who has another pressing meeting to go to in half an hour might appear
frustrated and impatient.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
5
It may even be that the person with whom you’re trying to
do a deal is going on holiday tomorrow and hasn’t the will to
drive a hard bargain. Not today at least. Good for you, you
may think. But it’s worth considering whether they will
return from holiday and insist on going through the whole
process again. In which case, since most deals need the
continued agreement of both parties in order to work
efficiently, it’s not in your interest to screw them to the wall.
The problem is that you probably won’t know any of this. But being alive to the emotions
in the room and focusing on what’s not being said, as well as what is, can help. And a
second negotiator who has responsibility for focusing on the emotional dynamic may
pick up clues that the lead misses.
The other person whose emotions are a significant factor, of course, is you. Our feelings
are so fundamental, so intrinsic to us, that it can be surprisingly hard to see them clearly
and, as a result, we are often driven unconsciously by them. So make a point of asking
yourself what emotional factors - conscious and subconscious - are influencing your
reactions and your behaviour. Recognising them will enable you to work with the helpful
ones and sidestep the unhelpful.
THE EMOTIONAL DYNAMIC
Above all, there will be an underlying emotional dynamic between the parties. And
recognising and working with this is essential to effective negotiating.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
6
One of the most common, and unhelpful,
dynamics is what I call “I’m right, you’re
wrong”. Our education system trains us in
adversarial debate. That is, in order to be
right, I must prove you wrong. Many of us
take this into our business dealings (and our
private lives, but that’s another story) in
ways that can sabotage us. Consequently
many negotiations swiftly stop being about reaching a deal and start being about people
proving each other wrong. In fact it’s almost scary how easily a negotiation can become
more of a primal battle for dominance than a search for a reasoned settlement: a slightly
more sophisticated version of the argument about who’s got the biggest willy. (And this
is not a dynamic from which women are immune.)
While this is deeply unhelpful the solution is not simply to capitulate. Instead it’s to find
a way to decline to engage in a battle of wills, but from a position of strength. In effect to
be saying “I’m not going to be drawn into a power struggle. Not because I have no
power, but because the struggle won’t help us get what we both want, which is a deal”.
It’s what Barack Obama calls ‘disagreeing without being disagreeable’.
SILENCE
Very often the defining moments of such power struggles revolve around silence, as two
adversaries look into each others’ eyes. We all feel an urge to fill uncomfortable
silences, precisely because they indicate discord. (Interestingly the length of silence
that feels uncomfortable differs hugely between different cultures).
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
7
Most negotiators adopt one of two tactics:
1) resolutely refusing to be the first to crack, believing the person who breaks an
uncomfortable silence will have ‘lost’
2) consciously breaking the silence and hoping this earns them some credit with
their opposite number.
(Actually there’s a third:
3) breaking the silence involuntarily because they just can’t stand it any longer - this
is usually the worst way to deal with an uncomfortable silence because it invites
the other side to take advantage of your accommodating nature.)
Returning to the first two options then, each will feel good to different personalities. But
despite how influential our emotions are, feeling good is not the thing that matters here.
More important is that central principle I opened with: how can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want? And both tactics have their
drawbacks.
The first runs the risk of turning the moment into an
epic struggle between two alphas battling for
dominance, in which case you’re locked into the “I’m
right, you’re wrong” dynamic which benefits no one.
The second is a slightly stronger version of the third
and sometimes it, too, weakens the negotiator by
revealing a desire for harmony that can be exploited by an unscrupulous opposite
number.
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
8
To deal effectively with these moments of silence then, two skills are needed, both of
which take practice.
The first is the ability either to hold your ground and live with these moments of
discomfort or to break them in a way that does not suggest weakness.
The second is the judgement to know which to use. And for that, understanding the
emotional dynamic is key.
POSITIVE EMOTIONAL DYNAMICS
If there are unhelpful dynamics to be avoided, what are the dynamics that can smooth
the path to a good deal? Back once more to the central aim of a negotiation: how can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want?
In terms of the emotional dynamic, this means firstly removing obstacles for your
opposite number and communicating a genuine wish to see them happy with the deal.
In the case of the man who’s under pressure to be tough, for example, if you focus on
creating something that will make him look good when he returns to the office, he is far
more likely to agree to a deal. And in so doing it’s very likely there will be elements of
great value to you that he’s happy to concede.
Anything that makes the other side angry or frustrated or suspicious makes them less
likely to agree to your proposal. Putting effort into working out what they want and then
doing your best to accommodate them will usually be far more effective than
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
9
stonewalling or bullying. This is the self-interest that lies behind the principle of win-win
that I discuss elsewhere.
It also means consciously creating an emotional dynamic between you of cooperation,
mutual respect and reasonable compromise. Yes, compromise. Even if the very idea is
anathema to you, the reality is that it’s both inevitable and actually desirable because of
what it buys you. The trick is to work out what compromises the other side will really
value but which are bearable to you. And again this means having your full attention on
the other people and divining what matters to them: being alive to the dynamic. A skilful
negotiator will make sure to get full emotional credit for the compromises s/he does
make. Though, of course, if the other side feels 'played' this can rebound on you.
It’s often argued that your willingness to walk away is what gives you power. But while
this is undeniably true, it can also be the fastest way to create an unhelpful, acrimonious
dynamic and thereby invoke all sorts of emotional stuff - dominance, fear of humiliation,
reciprocal aggression etc. - that gets in the way of the other side agreeing to what you
want. So an intimation that you are prepared to walk away generally needs to be
delivered carefully, without aggression, possibly even ruefully. It's partly tonal, more
about 'I can walk away and I am prepared to do so if we really can't reach agreement
but it’s not my preferred option' than a dark threat.
Of course there may be times and opposite numbers with whom what’s needed is darker
emotions: irritability, impatience, even downright anger. Highly developed emotional
antennae can guide you towards the judicious use of these. And compromising is
resolutely not the same as implying that you’re there to be taken advantage of. It’s
about starting from a point of view that says “we are both here because we want to do a
deal”. People who feel respected are more likely to give respect and much less likely to
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
10
be obstreperous or deliberately difficult. And consider the alternative: ask yourself who
is the loser if the other party determines not to give you what you want out of irritation or
revenge or bloody-mindedness?
THE SHAPE OF THE TABLE
There are also a host of peripheral factors that have huge potential to influence the
emotional dynamic. At international conferences, diplomats spend a lot of time
negotiating where and when discussions will take place, including surprising amounts of
time agreeing the seating arrangements. Anyone who has worked in an office where
there has been tension between colleagues, will know how much it can matter who sits
where.
These simple physical factors can have an enormous bearing on negotiations. Your
office, theirs, or neutral territory? Will you face each other across a desk in
confrontational style, or sit side by side with no barrier between you? Formal chairs or
armchairs?
It’s said that Tony Blair conducted
many of his most delicate
discussions seated in armchairs at
right angles to each other, both
people facing a coffee table for
example. It’s certainly much harder
to fight with someone when the
chairs are arranged in a relaxed
07973 890 578 [email protected] www.billbritten.co.uk
511 liverpool road
london n7 8ns
11
configuration, rather than facing your opposite number across a desk, eyeball to eyeball.
If they are on your territory will you ensure refreshments are generous and readily
available? Tempting as it might be to think that hunger and thirst will wear the other side
down, it will also give rise to resentment and aggression. Whereas looking after
people’s primal physical needs suggests you don’t plan on taking them for a ride.
Small things, but they have a massive influence on the emotional climate and
consequently a profound bearing on how both sides feel. And as I’ve outlined, how
people feel dramatically affects their decisions.
So the simple answer to the question I posed at the start - how can I make it as easy
as possible for the other side to agree to what I want? – is through emotional
intelligence.
If you’d like to talk to me about negotiating and how I might be able to help you develop
your skills, please contact me on [email protected] or, better still, ring me on 07973
890578 as I find talking is a much better start to a productive conversation.