Dear Mother Earth,

May I Drill You?

Acting like a gentleman isn't getting me what I really want

"Instead of 'drill baby drill,' the more you look at this, the more you realize, it's 'stall, baby, stall.'

-Sarah Palin, calling out Barack Obama for his lack of manliness

Look how much you're giving Texas!

Why won't you let Pennsylvania get what's natural? When you gonna let me tap that gas?

We've developed drills flexible and long enough. They can bend just the

right way to put pressure on your hydrofrac zone to get your oil.

I promise I'm not going to hurt you

I just have to hose you down with water before and after.

We can use gel on the proppant to make sure I get every last bit of oil

out of you.

I can't promise I won't make a mess

“While gas companies refuse to identify the chemicals they use — claiming that is proprietary information — critics cite contamination problems in other natural gas drilling fields. They worry that unregulated fracking can taint drinking water, deplete aquifers and produce briny wastewater that can kill fish. In Dimock, Pa., about 40 miles west of the Matoushek well but outside the Delaware basin, state environmental regulators say that cracked casings on fracked wells have tainted residential water supplies with methane gas.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced last month that it will study the impact of fracking on the environment and human health. The EPA said in 2004 there was no evidence that fracking threatens drinking water quality, but critics, including a veteran engineer in the Denver regional EPA office, argued that report’s methodology was flawed.”

…and I can't tell you what chemicals are enhancing my performance.

It's okay though... I promise to clean up afterward.

“The general practice is to collect (or at least try to collect) whatever water or other fluids that come out of the well or are used in the drilling in plastic lined pits. When the drilling is over, the pits are covered over.”

I put the plastic down after I'm done drilling,

right?

Actually I'm pretty clean.

Fine... I promise I'll use protection.

I can't go cold without you, so we're going to have find a way for me to get what I want even when I'm out of town

I like that after you let me release all your energy... you still let me smoke.

Your alternative energy friends don't.

I don't care what the neighbors say.

I'm tired of having deal with people I don't like to get

what I need.

I hear you are gonna give us all the jobs we want!

That's great because with all this money we have been spending on you... you are going to have to start holding up your end of the expenses

You might have to let a few more people drill you so we can pay to

maintain our current lifestyle.

Luckily, you got enough to go around.

But it'll be worth it for all the money you'll bring in for me... I mean... us.