Schools and Classrooms as Communities of Grace

Dr. Bruce Hekman, Calvin College

“The natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal rootedness in others.”

Dallas Willard

Biblical community

“When God’s people are called out of the world, they are called into fellowship, into what the New Testament calls koinonia. We drink from a common cup of blessing; we break a common bread; we are connected as branches to a common vine; we are fingers and toes of a common body. We belong to Jesus and thus to each other.” Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.

Biblical community

We are all image bearers of God, but none of us reflects all of who God is. Only in community do we begin to reflect the amazing diversity and creativity of God.

COMMUNITY IS LIKE A ROCK POLISHER:

TRANSFORMATIVE.

Biblical community

Working out grace in schools

Respect

The dance of the porcupines

Gratitude and celebration

Hospitality

Should there be conflict in a Christian community?

The dance of the porcupines

“Conflict not only is possible in Christian community, it may be a necessary by-product of community that is an important catalyst for growth as we learn to adjust to the differences caused by the diversity of community. No conflict may suggest no diversity, and possibly no growth.”

Walter Wright, p. 139 Relational Leadership

“Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts…A tension or difficulty can signal the approach of a new grace of God. But it has to be looked at wisely and humanly.”

Jean Vanier, p. 120-121, Community and Growth

Should there be conflict in a Christian community?

Community is the place

where the person you least

want to live with always

lives.

Henri Nouwen

The dance of the porcupines

You can develop a healthy robust community that lives right with God and enjoys its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor. James 3:18 (The Message)

The dance of the porcupines

Peacekeeping or peacemaking?

Peacekeeping avoids conflict and seeks appeasement.

Peacemaking (God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.)

Here’s the rub: How do you pursue the beautiful dream of

community with actual real-life people? Weird, not-normal, as-

is, dysfunctional people? How do you get close without getting

hurt?Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them

Dance of the porcupines

ELEPHANTS in the ROOM

Elephants…

Teacher who refuses to teach another grade

Teacher who refuses to use technology

Two teachers – gossip/back-stab

Part-time and full-time obligations

Shrinking school enrollments

Changing demographics

Principal strugglesTeacher who played a game with students online...blurring boundaries

A culture of high expectations

Embracing changes in pedagogy

A culture of mutual respect, honour, integrity

Professionalism

A culture of honesty

Mutual accountability

Wanting the best for ourselves and each other

Building on strengths, not focusing on deficits

A culture of gratitude: celebrations...not complaining

Students and teachers thriving

Relationships in a community of grace

BasicConcepts:

Good relationships are the basis for learning and growth and strong communities.

Anything that affects relationships (such as inappropriate behaviours) impacts the community and its growth.

Confronting inappropriate behaviour needs to be experienced as an opportunity for learning.

The story of David and Nathan (2 Samuel 12)

“John Wesley had a beautiful phrase for this; he called it ‘watching over one another in love.’”

Ortberg, p. 173

Conflict and confrontation

Anything that is subject to human limitation or error requires the

collegial presence of another person to ensure responsibility. It is a fact of life.

Adversarial (Blame) approach:

“What happened, who is to blame, what punishment or sanction is needed?”

Restorative approach:“What happened, what harm has resulted and what needs to happen to make things right?”

Grace-filled confrontation

The Matthew 18 principle

1. If there is conflict2. You3. Go4. To the person5. In private6. And discuss the problem7. For the purpose of

reconciliation.

1. Acknowledge conflict2. I must own responsibility3. Approach, don’t avoid

the person you are in conflict with

4. No third parties5. Use sensitivity6. Direct communication7. Aim at reconciliation

Is my practice...• Respectful (distinguishing person from behaviour)• Fair (engaging, with explanations & clarify

expectations• Restorative (by repairing harm and building

relationships)

Does my practice...• Develop empathy (through reflection, insight &

learning• Enhance responsibility and accountability• Promote positive behaviourial change

Restorative practice checklist

The goal: a new life

Admonition

Confession

Repentance

Forgiveness

Transformation/Restoration

Crucial Confrontations

What do you do when other people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do? How do you deal with broken promises, violated expectations, and …bad behavior?

To confront means to hold someone accountable, face to face, so that problems are resolved and relationships grow.

The ability to hold others accountable lies at the very center of a person’s ability to exert influence.

From Crucial Confrontations, 2005, Patterson et al.

Work on me first. Effective problem solvers observe an

infraction and then tell themselves a complete and accurate story. They ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?” In other words, we’re curious instead of boiling mad.

What and If. What are we confronting? A broken promise, a gap, a difference between what you expected and what actually happened? Should you confront or accept?

Content—an immediate problem

Pattern—habits

Relationships—trust? competence? respect?

“If you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out.” Crucial Confrontations

Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills

“Your old life is dead…. And that means killing off everything

connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy….make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk. Don’t lie to each other…”

Colossians 3: 3-10 The Message

R—resentment A—anxiety G—greed S—superiority

Getting rid of our RAGS

Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell

themselves a complete and accurate story. They ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?” In other words, we’re curious instead of boiling mad.

Confront with safety: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Ambrose Bierce

What are we confronting? A broken promise, a gap, a difference between what you expected and what actually happened.

Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills

Crucial confrontations:Learning the skills

Ask for permission

Speak in private

Start with the facts – describe the gap

End with a question: “What happened?”

Listen for motivation and ability

Agree on a plan and follow up

Stay focused and flexible

The first rule of St. Benedict’s “Rule of Life:” “Listen, carefully, my

son, to the master’s instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart.”

“Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” James 1:19

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Richard Moss

Select time and place (free from distractions)

Listen until they are satisfied

Listen! (and not just to the words)

Speak

“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who

hear them.”Ephesians 4:29

Listen long; talk short.

“…speaking the truth in love, we will in all

things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.” Ephesians 4: 15

“Therefore, each of us must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one body.” Ephesians 5:21

Graceful confrontation

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:1-5

Conflict and confrontation

Conflict and confrontation

“Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one body.”

Ephesians 4:25

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

“...warn those who are idle, encourage the

timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” I

Thess. 5:14

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and

dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3: 12-14

“When love is absent, the school will fail.” Educating for Responsible Action, Nicholas

Wolterstorff

Above all, love.