Undercover atheists Seduced by science and rationalism, yet tied to their

families and communities, Hasidic atheists opt for a

double life

by Batya Ungar-Sargon 4,200 words Read later or Kindle

Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn, New York. Photo by Michael Christopher

Brown/Magnum

Batya Ungar-Sargon is a freelance writer whose work has appeared inCity

Limits and The New Republic, among others. She lives in Brooklyn, New York 43 2492 490 50

http://aeon.co/magazine/culture/the-double-life-of-hasidic-atheists/

The moment Solomon lost his faith, he was standing on the D train, swaying

back and forth with its movement as if in prayer. But it wasnt a prayer book

that the young law student was reading he had already been to synagogue,

where he had wrapped himself in the leather thongs that bound him to

Orthodox Judaism, laying phylacteries and reciting the prayers three times

daily.

The tome in his hands now was Alan Dershowitzs The Genesis of

Justice (2000), which used Talmudic and Hasidic interpretations of the Bible

to argue that stories in the book of Genesis, from Adam and Eve eating the

apple to Noah and his ark, constituted Gods learning curve a means of

establishing a moral code and the rules of justice that prevail today.

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What struck him about the book was its depth, and a complexity of thought

that he had been raised to believe was the exclusive domain of the rabbis

whose authority commanded his community of ultra-Orthodox Jews. The

books brilliance, coupled with its unabashed heresy, created the first of

many cracks in Solomons faith. Seeing the scriptures interpreted in methods

so compelling and yet entirely inconsistent with the dogmas of his youth

caused Solomon to question everything he believed to be true.

From Dershowitz, Solomon moved on to evolutionary biology, and then to

Stephen Hawking and cosmology, and then biblical criticism, until finally, he

was unable to deny the conclusion his newly developed capacity for critical

thinking had led him to: he no longer believed in the existence of God.

It was the most devastating moment of my life, he told me. I wish to this

day that I could find the holy grail that proves that Im wrong, that its all

true.

And yet 15 years later, Solomons life looks exactly the way it did the day of

that fateful train ride, give or take a few infractions. Solomon is still leading

the life of an Orthodox Jew. He is married to an Orthodox Jew. His children

are Orthodox Jews who go to study the Torah at yeshiva. His parents are

ultra-Orthodox Jews. And so, with his new-found atheism, Solomon did

nothing.

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Solomon is one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of men and women whose encounters with evolution, science, new atheism and biblical criticism

have led them to the conclusion that there is no God, and yet whose social,

economic and familial connections to the ultra-Orthodox and Hasidic

communities prevent them from giving up the rituals of faith. Those I spoke

to could not bring themselves to upend their families and their childrens

lives. With too much integrity to believe, they also have too much to leave

behind, and so they remain closeted atheists within ultra-Orthodox

communities. Names and some places have been changed every person

spoke to me for this story on condition of anonymity. Part of a secret,

underground intellectual elite, these people live in fear of being discovered

and penalised by an increasingly insular society.

Religious fundamentalists want to have a monopoly on

truth, a monopoly on morality, but the internet undermines

those facades

But they are also proof of the increasing challenges fundamentalist religious

groups face in the age of the internet and a globalised world. With so much

information so readily available, such groups can no longer rely on physical

and intellectual isolation to maintain their boundaries. In addition to exposing

religious adherents to information that challenges the hegemony of their

belief systems, the internet gives individuals living in restrictive

environments an alternative community.

It helps people find others in the same boat, said Phil Zuckerman, a

professor of sociology at Pitzer College in California who studies apostates

and secularism. Twenty, thirty years ago, if you were living in Borough

Park, Brooklyn, or Alabama and you were surrounded by Hasids or

Pentecostal Christians and you started to have doubts, well, you were alone.

Now, you can find someone right away who is in the same boat as you and is

also sharing your doubts. You can find community, you can find a connection

that bolsters your own situation and gives you support intellectual and

emotional. Religious fundamentalists want to have a monopoly on truth, a

monopoly on lifestyle, a monopoly on morality, a monopoly on authority, but

the internet undermines all those facades.

Yanky cut an incongruous figure. A tall ultra-Orthodox man with a short, scruffy beard and short side-locks wrapped behind his ears, wearing

traditional Hasidic black-and-white garb, he was sitting on a barstool in an

out-of-the-way dive bar in South Brooklyn on a Monday afternoon, sipping a

Corona. But Yanky is an incongruous man. Like Solomon, he lives in an

Orthodox neighbourhood, has many children who attend yeshivas, goes to

synagogue to pray, hosts meals on Sabbath. His life, like the life of any

Orthodox Jew, is punctuated a hundred times a day by the small demands the

religion makes on its adherents lifestyle, demands on what they can eat,

what they can wear, where they can go, what they can read, whom they can

speak to, what they can touch, when they can touch it, and how often.

Somewhat tragically for a person so occupied, Yanky doesnt believe in God.

Things didnt start out that way. Yanky, who has a gentle, defeated air about

him, and a shy, cynical sense of humour, was among the most fervent

scholars of his cohort. Its hard to describe how earnest a person I was

before, he told me. He had spent many years studying the Torah in the most

prestigious yeshivas. I had really suffered to be there, he said, by way of

explaining how much it had meant to him and how deeply invested in the

holy texts he once was. He even worked as a rabbi on the side, answering

questions pertaining to religious law for lay people in his community.

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But Yanky had always had philosophical questions, even as a child. At some

point, all of the questions added up, coming to a head when his rabbi asked

him to study with a man who had recently become observant. This newly

religious man needed a study partner to take him through the religious

answers to scientific questions. While able to answer the mans religious

queries, the partnership forced Yanky to think deeply about the issues he had

been avoiding, such as the conflicts between the Bibles claims and those

made by science. He tried to put an end to their study sessions, but his rabbi

was confident in his ability to stay the course. No, no, itll be fine, itll be

fine, Yanky remembers his rabbi telling him.

It wasnt fine.

Thats when his newly observant study partner took Yanky to a presentation

by the British scientist and New Atheist Richard Dawkins, author of The God

Delusion (2006). It wasnt so much that Dawkins was so convincing, or

interesting even, Yanky told me between short sips of beer. It was just, I

was sitting there with this whole group of people who were having this one

viewpoint. He experienced for the first time what religion looked like from

the outside, a series of often ridiculous and always questionable ideas

shattering its absolute hold on his psyche.

And something else crystalised at that Dawkins talk: Yanky had at that point

hundreds of questions which no one had ever been able to answer to his

satisfaction, ranging from scientific questions about the veracity of the Old

Testaments narrative (woman very clearly wasnt taken from man; ancient

humans were not vegetarians, he elaborated) to questions concerning the

claims made in the Talmud (the laws of cooking on Shabbos and kosher

cooking laws dont match up with thermodynamics; bugs dont

spontaneously generate from plants). It felt like there was a separate,

unsatisfying answer for every burning question. And as Dawkins spoke,

Yanky realised that there was one answer that took care of all of his

questions God did not write the Torah because He does not exist. So that

was basically it for me, he said.

He was an atheist forced to stay under wraps lest his boss

fire him, his wife divorce him, and his children get thrown

out of school

Yanky was devastated by his realisation that there is no God. It was very

upsetting, he said, talking quickly. I remember laying in bed and feeling

like the world had come to an end. It wasnt a relief. It was very painful.

He was so upset that his first move after this realisation was to search out the

smartest and most learned rabbis, hoping that they would have answers for

him and be able to convince him that he was wrong that there is a God, that

the Torah is true. He wrote anonymous letters to a few respected rabbis, and

posted them snail-mail (though this was 2000, he had little to no contact with

the internet, as the most pious Jews dont). The letters contained his

questions, mostly culled from the contradictions between the first chapters of

the Old Testament and evolutionary theory: evolution suggests that snakes,

descended from lizards, lost their legs long before humans evolved but

Genesis states that they lost them after an encounter with man. The Adam

and Eve story suggests that humans were created instantaneously, in a single

day a mere 6,000 years ago yet science reveals the slow evolution of human

life on Earth, describing the gradual rise of our hominid predecessors over

many millions of years.

The explanations he got from rabbinic scholars were weak and obscure. One

rabbi sent him a bizarre note, including a story about sitting in a boat, an

elaborate allegory intending to describe how we only coast along over the

deep waters of the Torah, Yanky recalled. It was cool, but it didnt help me.

Thanks Rabbi. With nowhere left to turn, he was finally forced to admit

what he was: an atheist leading a double life, forced to stay under wraps lest

his boss fire him, his wife divorce him, and his children get thrown out of

school.

They call themselves Orthoprax those of correct practice to distinguish themselves from the Orthodox those of correct belief. Every

time I met one, they would introduce me to a few of their friends, though

many refused to speak for fear of being discovered. There are far fewer

women in this situation than men, and the women were even harder to draw

out. They risk losing their children, especially in New York State, where

custody is often given to the more religious parent.

Yet things have changed: once so isolated in their atheism, double-lifers

passing for Orthodox, ultra-Orthodox and Yeshivish (known for devouring

the Talmud) all gather online in chat rooms. I met undercover atheists from

many different Hasidic sects Satmar, Skver, Bobov where the focus is

mystical. They live in Williamsburg, Long Island, New Skver, Jerusalem.

Wherever there is an insular Jewish enclave, there are individuals who have

come to the conclusion that God does not exist, and yet they maintain their

religious cover for social, familial and economic reasons. Many are well-

established in their communities, even leaders. Many are financially

successful, family men and women, moral people. I am your neighbour with

kids in your childrens class, wrote one undercover atheist anonymously on

a blog. I am one of the weekly sponsors of the Kiddush club I was your

counselor in camp I do not believe in God.

The Orthodox community has grown exponentially in the past 50 years.

Ultra-Orthodox and Hasidic enclaves such as Lakewood in New Jersey and

Kiryas Joel in Upstate New York have the lowest median ages in the entire

United States due to their high birthrate. It is normal for families to have

anywhere from five to 12 children.

Were talking about a ghetto thats locked from the inside

These communities are organised around religion, explains Samuel Heilman,

a sociologist at Queens College in New York, who studies

contemporary Orthodox Jewish movements. As the population has expanded,

so have attempts to keep members in line. But it has been a losing battle,

overall. As a sociological principle, one size can never fit all, he told me,

and the larger the community, the more difficult it is to control.

That hasnt stopped efforts. One method of control is limiting secular

education for children in subjects such as mathematics and even English. The

lack of skills necessary to navigate the outside world can be crippling to most

who consider leaving their communities. Another strategy is turning

everyone else into an enemy. The tactic is hardly unique. Every

fundamentalist group demonises the other they tend to be very dualist;

youre either with us or without us. In the case of the ultra-Orthodox, Were

talking about a ghetto thats locked from the inside, Heilman said. You have

to create a threat from the outside to keep those doors locked.

But even for those such as Solomon and Yanky who were educated enough to

pursue outside professions, their own psychological states work just as well

as any external rules to keep them put. The self-policing mechanism kicked

in most strongly through the matchmaking apparatus, the place where status

is determined in these communities. A person leaving the community puts a

blight on their entire family, stigmatising parents, siblings, children, and even

cousins, limiting their ability to marry into good families with no such stain.

Are double-lifer's a danger to the fold? It depends on your point of view.

For every one of them, theres five kids, 10 kids born, Heilman said.

We have 10,000 kids in school in Williamsburg alone. The majority will

stay where they are, said a Satmar friend a believer in agreement.

I could pick off a person a day if I wanted to, countered an undercover

atheist Ill call Moishe.

If anything, the double-lifers are more like agent provocateurs inside a

besieged system, Heilman contends. They know whats real and whats not

real. They know how to game the system. And they have their own signals.

Surely its only a matter of time before they begin to share their ideas with

those who are still believers.

Im sitting with Moishe, a scholarly luminary in the ultra-Orthodox world, in Solomons office in Manhattan; the two are colleagues and

confidantes. Moishe is Hasidic, wears a graying beard, lives in the bosom of

a Hasidic sect in Brooklyn and has many children. He has written books of

exegesis that are studied in many yeshivas, uncovering the hidden secrets of

the Torah.

Solomon, too, lives in Brooklyn, has a wife and a bunch of children, and a

good job. He is clean-shaven, wears a suit to work and a black velvet

yarmulke. Though both are staunch atheists, neither Moishe nor Solomon has

any intention of leaving the Orthodox world.

But the similarities end there Solomon is deeply emotional, the kind of man

whose obvious kindness comes from bearing the weight of the world on his

shoulders. He is still dogged by the emotional loss of faith. I have an

emotional bond to a God that I know does not exist, as he puts it.

Moishe, on the other hand, is driven only by the pursuit of truth, with that

almost childlike quality that geniuses display during discovery, and a sense of

humour wide enough to encompass all of his own foibles. Solomon suffers

from intense guilt; the psychological toll of leading a double life weighs

heavily on him. I used to be tormented by doubt, he said. But now Im

tormented by certainty. Moishe cant understand these feelings. He

experienced his new-found intellectual freedom with the joy that comes from

liberation.

Moishe is still publicly Hasidic. He wears a shtreimel the traditional fur hat

on Sabbath. At one point, the Hasidic rabbi leading his sect asked him to

become even more religious, referred to as going right.

At that time I was like, what do you mean more right? Im already at the

end! Whats north of the North Pole? But he knew what he was talking

about. Moishes journey from believer to atheist happened in a matter of

weeks, after a few passages from Maimonides convinced him that the

greatest Jewish scholar was, like himself, an undercover atheist.

Moishe explained: on the one hand, Maimonides felt that the belief that the

earth was eternal could be destructive to the Jewish religion. On the other

hand, he also said that if the infinite character of the earth could be proven, he

would accept it as true. Moishes conclusion? Maimonides knew the first

part of the Torah was iffy at best and bunk at worst. Moreover, Maimonides

attempts to reconcile what he thought was true with what he claimed was true

were, in Moishes words, an epic fail.

The greatest tragedy for undercover atheists is the barrier it

erects between them and their loved ones

Nothing he said made any actual sense, he explained. So I was left with

one option and one option only: he was an atheist but was hiding it. There,

now that made sense. So now I look at myself as a reincarnation of Rambam

[Maimonides]. Im an atheist in hiding just like he was.

Still, despite his confidence that he could convert a person a day to atheism

should he so desire, Moishe balked at the consequences. Perhaps the greatest

tragedy for undercover atheists is the barrier it necessarily erects between

them and their loved ones.

Im desperate to tell my kids the truth, Moishe confessed. And yet, he

doesnt dare. Moishe is not alone. Many I spoke to stay inside the confines of

their Orthodox lives for fear of harming their children, opting instead to let

them continue to believe what they themselves now consider to be fairy tales.

To me, lying to my children was the worst part, said another undercover

atheist Ill call him Yisroel. Yisroel has a very good job he makes in the

high six figures and is very attached to his wife and children, the opposite

of the stereotype that prevails in religious communities surrounding those

who lose the faith, namely that they are liars who want to do drugs, cheat on

their wives and eat cheeseburgers, as he put it. Yisroels greatest wish is that

his children will learn to think critically and figure things out for themselves.

But he has no plans to accelerate that process. I take it one day at a time; I

dont have any long-term goal about that, he told me when we met in a

Manhattan deli on a rainy afternoon.

Every person I spoke to had a different relationship with his spouse on the

subject of belief. Moishe and his wife have an agreement that they will marry

off the children before making any changes to their lives, though he doesnt

quite know what change would look like. What am I going to do move to

Kansas? he joked.

Yanky felt immense relief after he confessed to his wife he had felt like he

was betraying her. It was making me nuts, he said. He told her on Tisha

BAv a fast day commemorating the destruction of the temple and the end

of the Jewish Empire, because, as Yanky put it: It was a good time to suffer,

you know? She suffered a lot. She wasnt too happy. Shes still upset. The

way he told her was: She hadnt wanted me to go to the Dawkins talk. And I

said: You were right!

But divorce is not an option Yanky thinks children should have two parents

in the same household. It wouldnt do good things for them in general, and

in the religious world, it would damage them, all that stuff, he said. And I

dont think moving them out of the religious world would be helpful for

them, if that was even an option, so thats basically it.

Afew lucky men convinced their wives of their new-found convictions, giving them a partner in crime. One man I spoke to Yechiel

who lives in Jerusalem told me it was not as painful for his wife when he

convinced her. Women are in a much more minor role in the community, he

said. Women are expected to express religious devotion by raising the kids,

by much more physical things getting a job, supporting their husbands

learning. Much less a direct spiritual experience, so for her to give it up

wasnt giving up much.

But it was for him. He remembered the direct aftermath of his loss of faith. I

was praying to Hashem [God]: Give me back my belief, prove to me that its

true, begging and begging. At some point, I realised its just plain stupid.

Still, he said: If you would see me in the street, my white shirt and black

yarmulke, you wouldnt know anything at all. His wife is now pushing for

more changes to their lifestyle, but fear of hurting his parents keeps Yechiel

in line.

One Hasidic woman I will call Fruma lives in the Satmar enclave of Kiryas

Joel in New York State. Frumas husband doesnt know she has lost her faith.

If he found out, he would certainly divorce her and take away her children.

The last time she showed signs of non-conformist behaviour, her husband

consulted the community leaders. They sent her to see a mental health

specialist, who medicated her. The mental illness card has been used often in

cases like mine, she wrote. She has since seen another mental health

specialist; he gave her a clean bill of health.

Fruma lives in constant, crippling fear of her husband finding out her true

beliefs, so much so that she refused to meet me, and would communicate her

thoughts only via Facebook. The one time we spoke on the phone, she called

me from a restricted number. Fruma lost her faith a few years ago, but she

found that exercising new freedoms only added to her unhappiness.

Lying creates so much inner conflict: breaks down all forms

of trust, makes you hate the person involved, but especially

makes you hate yourself

At first it felt extremely liberating to finally feel validated, she wrote. That

Im not crazy as some would like me to believe because I cant conform

and because my thinking is different. After a few months it dawned on me

that its not all that great. What happened was that those pockets of freedom

where I got away for a bit contrasted too sharply to my daily existence, and

made the staying so much harder. The feeling that I need to leave was very

strong.

Though Fruma never had a happy marriage, the toll that dishonesty is taking

on her is immense. Lying creates so much inner conflict, she wrote. Breaks

down all forms of trust, makes you hate the person involved, but especially

makes you hate yourself.

After Yisroel, the Manhattan high-earner, told his wife that he no longer

believed in God, she was devastated. When he suggested coming out, she

threatened to divorce him, a non-starter, in Yisroels words. She felt it

would be too confusing to the children, and Yisroel more or less agreed. So,

to save his marriage, Yisroel vowed to his wife never to break any of the

religious laws, and he never has. And to mitigate his wifes hopes that he

might one day rediscover his belief in God, Yisroel buys a lottery ticket every

week, just to keep that door open. I buy the ticket, just for her, and I

say: Please Hashem, let me win.

Its not all bad. Solomon, who lost his faith on the D train, says theres a lot

of good in the Orthodox community to ameliorate the psychological toll of

living a double life, such as the focus on family, the fact that Im probably

not going to have to worry that my daughters getting pregnant or stoned at

16. Theres a lot of good, even if none of its true. I think its a nice life.

Yisroel calls it performance art. To a certain extent everyone leads a secret

life, showing different sides to different people, he said.

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Do the undercover atheists herald the end of ultra-Orthodoxy, or only a new,

more insulated and controlled beginning? Here, Solomon and Moishe

disagree.

As long as ultra-Orthodox communities continue to marry people off at such

young ages, doubters will remain stuck, Solomon contends. Religion has

survived a lot of major challenges, he said, and the recent turn towards

fundamentalism within ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities is just that a

coping mechanism to weed out the non-conformists. The radicalisation of

ultra-Orthodox Judaism is a sign of its success, not its failure.

But Moishe believes that the phenomenon of atheism is deeply entrenched in

the Orthodox way of life. Everybodys faking, he insisted. I think its all

going to come crashing down. I say 20 years.

11 February 2015