Don't Take It Personally - breslevcity.co.il · Don't Take It Personally 5 may sound, there isn’t...

Don't Take It Personally

He passed you in the street and looked rightthrough you, as if you were invisible, anddidn’t even say “hello”. Funny, after all thefavors at school I do for her, she tells mecurtly, “I’m sorry, I have to go”, and hangs upthe phone! “So the truth finally comes out,that’s what they think of me. They didn’t evensend me an invitation to their son’s barmitzva.” I worked hours upon hours at makingthe dinner reception for his friends asmashing success, and all my husband canweakly offer is, “It was nice”. After spendingmoney that we don’t have on an exquisite pairof earrings, my wife chides me, “Why did youwaste your money on that?” We all experiencethose ego-deflating moments in life. Be it from

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our parent’s, spouses, children, teachers,neighbors, or even a complete stranger –somebody, at some time in our lives will eithersay something or do something that will injureour pride and hurt our feelings. The problemis that most of us allow the stinging arrows ofthese remarks to penetrate our inner core sodeeply that it bruises our ego and impairs ourfunctioning. And, then there are those overlysensitive types that fall apart at the mere wordor gesture that remotely hints at criticism.Wincing in pain, they react so offended as if aknife was inserted into them. At the heart ofmost interpersonal problems, failedrelationships, and social dysfunction are thebenign remarks and innocently statedopinions of others that we take toopersonally. The first step in stopping the hurtand pain is to recognize that the problem isnot so much with them as with you! Admit it,on some deep level these relatively harmlesscomments, that you misconstrue as personalaffronts, touch a raw nerve that exposes yourinsecure self. While on the outside we mayoverreact defensively with indignation, orclam-up and withdraw in silence, inside webecome an emotional mess. As simple as it

Don't Take It Personally 5

may sound, there isn’t a more effective remedyto the emotional complications caused bybeing overly-sensitive, than to stop takingyourself and life so seriously. Humor is yourbest weapon against the insults, imagined orreal, that others may level at you. Be rational!What does it matter what this one whispersabout you, or what rumors that one spreadsbehind your back? Rise above pettyschoolyard politics, by laughing-off thesechildish behaviors as plain old silly. Why allowothers to own the power to make or breakyou? Remember what Rabbi Nachmanrevealed in Likutei Moharan, (Vol. 1, Chap 34):every single person possesses a unique trait ortalent not shared by anyone else.Furthermore, when you celebrate your ownindividuality, by taking pride in this uniquequality and going with it, your confidence levelautomatically rises to such a healthy degreethat rejection and criticism by others justslide-off you. How empowering! But, where doyou start? How do you summon enough nerveto overcome self-consciousness, to make astand against public opinion and raise yourown individual banner? The answer is thatyou have to learn to be comfortable just being


yourself. This is achieved only when theopinions of other people are made to matterless, and G-d to matter more – which onlycomes with conscious awareness that there isno reality, except for G-d, because G-d isreality. Moreover, it’s not by having the rightsocial connections that makes you special, butrather it's by virtue of your connectedness toG-d that deems you special. Like a seedplanted in a garden, G-d has placed your soulwith its native capacities, in this world, toblossom and flower in its destined role. So,step out from all the confusion created bydestructive social comparing, and confidentlyassume your unique G-d-given role in life. Byachieving clarity of purpose and gaining astrong sense of self, you will no longer take sopersonally the opinions of others – whichtends to prey on the self doubting andinsecure mind. So, stop playing the part of thevictim and letting others have a good laugh atyour expense. Show the world that you’remade of good stuff and you’ll be surprised tofind yourself laughing along with them.


2.

There are low points in everyone’s life, thatwith just the right emotional resilience youcan adopt a “grin and bear it” attitude andovercome it; but, because you are chronicallyneedy and insecure, you seize the opportunityto prove once again that you’ve beenvictimized by life circumstances. Unable toaccept responsibility for your failures in life,you project your anger onto society. Perceivingthe world as a very hostile and unfriendlyplace, you wage a mental war with society,where every person, friend or foe, is eyed withsuspicion. No matter how well-meaning theadvice or support offered by friends, to hoistyou out of your hole, you invariably suspectthem of having ulterior motives. Neutralremarks and even plain ordinary everydayconversation become at once, twisted anddistorted by your paranoid mind to extort evilintentions from them that the speaker nevereven meant. Over-sensitivity, when taken tothis extreme, clouds your judgment to theextent that you react purely on a subjectivelevel; no comment can escape a person’s lipswithout being negatively interpreted by you asa personal attack. Not being able to be


convinced otherwise, you willfully wallow inself-pity, withdrawing into morbid socialisolation, bitter and angry at the world thatyou perceive as having conspired against you.Imagine, this elaborate mental chain reaction– with dire consequences – ignited simplybecause you took a innocent remark toopersonally. Don’t let this become your tragicfate! Learn to roll with the punches by nottaking everything so personally. Recognizethat hypersensitivity is a nervous disorderwhose early warning sign is the tendency totake small things out of proportion andoverreact. Without early intervention, the cycleof feeling easily slighted and offended, canlead to eventual mental incapacitation as yousuffer from pervasive thoughts of victimizationand distress at mere social contact withothers. A word here and a remark there isenough to trigger a shame-response so intensethat you flee in a fit of tears, or it may deliversuch a devastating blow to the ego, that youautomatically plunge into depression. Avoidfalling onto the quagmire of this type ofdelusional thinking, by developing a thick-skin to all the inevitable hurtful remarks andstinging comments that people are prone to


say. Inhibit your natural tendency to cowerfrom every insult, real or imagined, bylaughing it off as one big joke. Develop innerstrength by not taking the snide comments ofothers so seriously and stop being sointimidated by people around you no matterhow loud their bark. “Easier said than done”,you protest, after all how can you erase yearsof conditioning of learned timidity andcrippling social shyness? The answer is thatyou must make the conscious effort to stopplacing your faith in people and start placingyour faith exclusively in G-d. Consider thatG-d completely controls every event andoutcome in the universe to the extent that,“You can't touch that which is reserved foryour friend, and one kingdom cannot touch[overlap] the other, by even a hairsbreadth”(Yoma, 38a). When you become thoroughlyconvinced of G-d’s absolute control then thepowerful mystique of public opinion loses itspersuasive grip over your mind – after all, noone can deprive you of what G-d has reservedfor you, and similarly you can’t supplysomeone with something that’s not assignedto them by G-d. Isn’t it finally time that youlive and breathe freely? Then stop expecting


others to come through for you, and likewise,stop living to satisfy their expectations. Youhave every right to expect all the good thingsin life, but this can only happen when youexpect it from the hand of G-d, and not fromthe handouts of others.

3.Reluctant to give-up their personal freedom,our narcissistic generation suffers from apervasive fear of commitment. Caughtbetween the need to serve ourselves, and toserve G-d, we live in a state of unhealthytension that comes from a devotion to Himthat is incomplete. For all the loosening of ourbond with heaven, we paradoxically discoverthat we’ve become shackled by public opinion.Aren’t you tired already from dancing betweenheaven and earth; by trying to please G-d andalso to please others, you end-up satisfyingnobody including yourself. Find the serenityand self-assurance that you’re so desperatelyseeking by making that leap of faith, and fullycommitting yourself to G-d and not relying onothers, as is written, (Devarim Rabba, Chap. 2)“Whoever trusts in the Blessed-One-Be-He isworthy of being like Him, [so to speak].”


Meaning that, when your trust in G-d is soabsolute and unwavering, you begin to seeeverything in light of G-d; the opinions ofothers no longer matters in the least; whatcounts now is what He thinks about me, notwhat others might think. Overreacting to theopinions of others, on the other hand, is anunconscious expression of your vulnerabilityas a result of feeling so far from G-d, as theSages commented, (Pesachim, 113b), “Thefussy ones [the overly sensitive types who arebothered by every minor hassle] have no life!.”Always on high alert and suspicious of others,he can never feel relaxed, so he’s invariably,moody and resentful. Eventually, with thetension wearing on his nerves, he becomesmorbidly depressed, confused, and fed upwith his life. Having little basis in reality, thehypersensitive individual’s thinking inhabits aworld of imagined danger: his lifestyleresembles the fugitive on the go who is foreverfearful of an implied danger lurking behindother peoples’ seemingly innocent remarks oractions. Stop this cycle of flawed thinking byimmunizing yourself against the power ofothers to hurt you, by thoroughly acceptingthat only G-d has power to affect your life; He


is sovereign over the Universe, and of courseover your life; no event or happenstanceoccurs without His bidding, so much so that,“A person doesn’t stub his finger on earth,unless it is decreed by Heaven (Chullin, 7a).There is no such thing as senseless sufferingor arbitrary pain in life. Just open your eyesand recognize the single, commondenominator unifying the events of your lifecalled G-d, and you won’t feel so offended andoverly sensitive to the remarks and actions onthe part of others. This is what the Sagesmeant when they declared that,(Berachos,13b) “whoever prolongs the [theword] “one” [in the “Shema” prayer], his daysand years will be prolonged”; meaning thatwhoever wholeheartedly accepts G-d as theunderlying unifying force controlling all ofcreation and determining every outcome, tothe exclusion of any other being – trulybreathes new life into his days and years.With the opinions of others renderedpowerless, he begins to lead a carefreeexistence. Rejected by others? – who cares,G-d takes care of me; he’s criticizing me orteasing me? – so what, his words areharmless; they laugh in my face? I laugh right


back – I’m not scared, because G-d is on myside. Get it? The cry-baby days are over; stopbeing so overly-sensitive, by taking everythingso personally. Don’t cringe in pain, becauseyou overheard someone talking about you onthe bakery line. Why give someone thesatisfaction of getting you hurt or angry byinsulting you? – laugh it off and show himwhose better! Sure it takes guts! Keepreminding yourself, however, that no personcan act independent of G-d’s will. Everything,large or small, emanates from G-d; He isfound in every action and movement on thepart of others, so how can they harm you? Thewider your perspective of G-d – as the single,unifying force behind all creation – grows, themore days and years will you spend pleasantlyfree from the many forms of harm that youimagine others can possibly inflict on you.Sensitized to the presence of G-d, your life willbecome enhanced, as you become cured fromthe emotionally handicapping effects of takingthings too personally.


4.

So, you pride yourself on being able to detectsubtle nuances in other people's expressions.You liken your heightened perception to aradar that can perceive sudden changes inpeople’s moods. Confident in your keenpowers of sensitivity, you’re sure that becausehe didn’t smile at you the same way as heusually does, he’s angry with you. And, youalways knew that the math teacher had it outfor you; why, he even passed you in thehallway today and didn’t say “hello”. O.K., ifyou think you're so smart and perceptive, thenwhy are you so miserable in life? And, justbecause you're having a hard time in life, whydo you think the whole world is against you?Stop being presumptuous, and realize thatmost of the negative intentions and blame thatyou impute on others are not genuine, and areonly the product of your imagination. Mostpeople are walking around with their ownpack of troubles, absorbed in their problems,yet you insist on reading into their thoughtsand drawing negative inferences aboutyourself. Feeling low to begin with, yourimagination runs wild and builds an elaboratestructure out of maybe, one comment or stray


expression uttered by the other person, toprove that he’s out to get you – and then yourheart sinks as you feel your whole worldcollapsing. Stop being so self-centered, as ifthe whole world revolves around you. Toovercome your hypersensitivity, you have toremove the spotlight off yourself. Contrary topopular opinion, it’s not therapeutic toconstantly analyze and rehash the negativethoughts and bad feelings swirling around inyour head. You’ll only feel more broken,depressed, and vulnerable to criticism fromothers. So leave your bag of troubles behind,and c’mon get happy! Joy is the bestinoculation against the ravages of over-sensitivity. Joy puts you in a good frame ofmind and gives you a fresh, sunshinyperspective on life. Having the opposite effectof over-sensitivity, joy gives you the power tolaugh things off in life, and not takeeverything so personally.

5.Let’s face it! If you want to tear down theinvisible wall that stands between you and therest of the world that you perceive as cold, youhave to be the first to break the ice by saying,


“hello”. Don’t wait around for others to noticeyou; say goodbye to years of accumulated hurtand feeling slighted, by taking the initiative.Why not restore the faith that you have lost inhumanity for all those times people passedyou in street and never said ”hello”, by simplygreeting them first. For the sake of peace, stopstanding on ceremony and be forgivingtowards your fellow Jew, as the Sages stated(Rosh Hashana, 18b), "When it is a time ofpeace, it should be [an occasion] for happinessand joy"; Peace and joy are related emotions.Because when a person's aim is to fosterpeace, and he extends himself for that causeby greeting everyone – even his enemies – hecheers himself up as well. The gesture ofgoodwill equips him with a positive outlook onlife and so he automatically stops acting needyand so easily hurt. On equal footing with therest of society, he no longer neurotically seeksvalidation from others nor does he crave theirapproval. Continue to play the part of thevictim, however, and the world will remain avery dark and unfriendly place. As avulnerable creature lying in wait to bepounced on by a wild beast, so is your heartdangerously exposed for every mere comment,


remark or gesture to wound. And why?Because you have removed G-d from thepicture. Don’t react so quickly with offense tothe insults of others. Take the time to probeinto the deeper meaning behind their wordsand ask yourself what does G-d want me tolearn from this situation? When it becomescrystallized in your mind that all along you’vebeen reacting to the puppet-like actions ofothers, when in reality it was G-d who waspulling the strings, your eyes will open to thefarce you’ve been living. Reconciling with theperson who you are and accepting thecircumstances of your life – by accepting G-d’sabsolute control – will help you achieve innerpeace and peace with others. Remember thatG-d’s name is synonymous with peace, andfurthermore it’s written that, “The Holy-One-Blessed-Be-He did not find a vessel to containblessing for [the Nation of] Israel, except forpeace” (Shabbos, 10a), as it is also written,‘G-d will grant strength to His nation, G-d willbless His Nation with peace’ (Uktzin, 83). Thatsingle greeting of “hello” that you rush to offerunconditionally, to all who you encounter, nomatter who or what he is, has the power todissolve the barrier of cool indifference that


exists between people today. The outpouringof love that results and the goodwill betweenmen that it fosters, will earn you manyblessings in return, as the Sages said,(Vayikra Rabba, Chap. 9, par. 9) “[So] great ispeace, that all blessings are included in it.”More importantly, when your attitude towardssociety switches from one of accusatory andblaming to gentle, loving and peaceful, you’llcure your mind of its unfounded fear thateveryone is out to get you. Therefore, for yourown mental health and well-being, just say,“hello” – even to those that you dislike orresent. Then watch as your juvenile, overlysensitive self matures into a self-assured,dignified and independent adult.

6.Did you ever come across a person who,without even hearing a word of yourconversation, accused you and your friends oftalking about them? Can you imagine theirlevel of discomfort, always nervouslyapprehensive that this one or that one isplotting against them or wishes them harm.Unable to contain their curiosity, they search,snoop, and intrude into private conversations


or even eavesdrop for hours, convinced thatthey will ultimately come across a negativereference to themselves. Sensitive like radars,they continuously capture vibes, real orimagined, from others and lead a hyper-vigilant life with no peace. Despite the factthat sensitivity is a trait that allows us toexperience life more richly, overly sensitivepeople are in pain and are suffering from adisorder. But there is a cure that is simpleand effective. If you find that your overly-sensitive nature is socially impeding andyou’re desperately seeking relief, then youmust be willing to stop playing the part of thevictim. How long will you allow yourself to feelthreatened by others, because in your mindyou imagine that they have the power to harmyou. Give back the upper hand to G-d, and getcontrol over your life, by recognizing Hisabsolute control over every aspect of reality.By simply changing your perspective on whois really running the show, you renderpowerless the cast of characters that untilnow, held your imagination as a captiveaudience. Now that you are aware that G-dproduces and directs every scene of your life,you can get a good laugh out of all the


charades and games that others play at yourexpense; it’s all one big act and performance;they can’t harm you because only G-d is incontrol. Once you learn to become amusedand humored by the actions of others, insteadof becoming broken by them, then your lifewill become transformed from a tragedy into acomedy. As an indicator of healing, minor,petty concerns will no longer elicit that strongdefensive reaction from you, as they becomesubordinate to your main concern, which issensitive awareness of G-d. But to remove thefocus off others and to experience the realnessof G-d, Who is invisible, you must activelyreach out to Him. Make it a practice to speakregularly to G-d and train yourself to get yourneeds satisfied only from Him, rather thanexpecting it from others. When you stopneeding others so badly and you only needG-d, it will suddenly dawn on you that no onecan hurt you anymore; then you will be on theroad to recovery from taking things toopersonally.

7.Taking things too personally is a behaviorthat typically develops as a natural outgrowth


from childhood jealousies. Based on faultyassessment, a child imagines that other kidshave more going for them than they do, orthat the other child is favored, and receivesmore attention from the teacher than them –which only serves to fuel their envy. With noone else to blame, they blame themselves fortheir deficiencies and they develop low self-esteem. Chronically insecure, they steadilybecome highly sensitized to what others haveand what they have not. Using a mentalyardstick, their minds are always busymaking social comparisons – in which theyinvariably come up short against the next guy– to prove once again that everyone has itbetter than them. Here too, there is a simplesolution to repair the damaged self-esteemthat lies at the core of the overly-sensitivenature. Get him to stop counting the eggs inother people’s basket, and to start countingthose that are in his. By helping him todiscover his unique abilities and talents, hewill begin to like himself more; instead offeeling useless, he will feel useful; when wefeel competent we become empowered! Sowhile it’s not too late and he is still young,save him from the ravages of an inferiority


complex that dooms so many kids today tofailure in adulthood, by cultivating hissuperior qualities. With eggs in his basket,this child matures with confidence andhealthy self-esteem that guards him fromemotional entanglement with others thatresults from being too needy. More globally,parents and teachers must rise to stem thedangerous tide of competition that reigns inthe classroom today, which is producing ageneration of delinquents and educational fall-outs. The school administration is duty boundto stop assiduously focusing their efforts atpreserving their reputations, and do all intheir power to ensure the welfare of theirstudents. A new educational philosophy, thatstresses the uniqueness of the individual,must be introduced to replace the outdatedand stodgy one of measuring a student’sworth solely on grades. How empowered wewould have felt had we been fed the messagein our youth that, as individuals we are eachequal, yet unique and special. Remember, allof us have something valuable to contributetowards society. But alas, so many childrenand students have been lost to a cold andcallous, competitive system that pins one


child against the next, and makes the loserfeel like a nothing. What happened to theimportance of values in the home and theclassroom? Shouldn’t we be teaching ourchildren that jealousy is a bad trait thatshould be avoided? Instead we set up ourchildren for failure, by burdening them withundue pressure to overachieve and succeed ata frenzied pace. With so much weight giving toscores, a poor grade or bad report cardtriggers so much guilt that a child can betraumatized for life. Are we proud that ageneration has been spawned of emotionallyscarred students, who are highly nervous andneurotic, very image-conscious and overly-sensitive to criticism – and are no longer justplain comfortable with themselves. Mom anddads remember, that when that little innocentbaby stares at you, helplessly, with thosetwinkling eyes from under the blanket of thatcradle, he’s expecting you to help him growand develop to the best that he can be. This isnot accomplished by means of shame,denigration, humiliation, and insult; nor willhe succeed by forcing him to walk in yourshoes instead of his own. While yet a toddler,rejoice in his every achievement and milestone


met. Make his interests your interests; beinvolved in his life and dignify his choices;guide him with love and respect andencourage him to eventually fly from the nestwith his own set of wings. The emotional well-being of a child rests in the attitude that theparents display towards the child. Stamp outthe roots of jealousy from your child – thatstem from being overly needy – early, bymeeting the emotional needs of your child.Then you won’t suffer regrets later on!

8.Today the institution of marriage is in dangerof losing its meaning, because couples haveforgotten what it means to be married.Although they enter the marital canopy astwo, the couple must remember that they exitas one. Marriage, like any successfulpartnership, requires teamwork; the problem,however, is that the couples today haveforgotten that they are on the same team. Inthe climate of pleasure seeking that prevailstoday, the husband and wife must work evenharder to uphold the timeless Torah valuesthat make a marriage work. Unlike the secularview of marriage where each party asks what’s


in it for me, the Jewish concept of marriageoperates on the principle of deposit withoutthe expectation of return; she asks what can Ido to please my husband?; how can I buildhim up and make him a success so he can feelgood about himself?; likewise, he asks howcan I be a supportive husband?; a helpfulhusband?; how can I make her feel good aboutherself? The secret behind the success of thiskind of marriage is that by each spousestriving to fulfill the other ones needs, theyparadoxically satisfy their own needs; gone isthe need to over-react to each other, which isonly a cover-up for the couple’s underlyingresentment towards each other for unmetneeds. With the recipe for a successfulmarriage in hand, they create a warm, lovingand healthy home environment. But anembattled couple misses the point of marriageand with the finger of blame pointed at eachother for not meeting each others wants anddemands, they pounce on each other for everylittle remark or action, taking them toopersonally. “He’s never home to help me”, shepersistently whines; “She’s always naggingand complaining”, he loudly charges. Backand forth do the warring couple tussle, each


reacting with anger at the other, with no onebeing heard, until the house becomes a warzone. If your marriage is war torn and youboth want to save it, then you must call for acease fire. Step back from the midst of thebattle and realize that this is a no-winsituation because you are both wrong fortaking things too personally. Get beyond allthe petty arguments and senseless fighting,and reach the core of the problem, which isthat you both feel unloved and unappreciated.If there is to be any future to the marriage,recognize that you can’t go on hurting eachother in this manner by taking everything sopersonally. Let down your defenses enough toread each others pain, anguish anddisappointment that underlies all theantagonistic remarks and nasty insults. Whenyou both transcend the bounds of your ownangry and hurt feelings, and are able to feelthe pain of your spouse, then you will havearrived at the true meaning of marriage. Then,instead of trying to dominate each other, youwill both experience the joy of marital blissthat comes when you start to care about eachother.


9.

Does sitting in a room full of people make youuncomfortable? Do you catch yourselfwondering how much more put together theother people seem in comparison to you? Doyou hesitate to speak your mind in front ofthem out of fear of making a fool of yourself?You should know that, because you havefailed to give yourself a stamp of approval, youhave condemned yourself to a life of seekingapproval from others. Lacking any backbone,you twist, turn, and roll-over in order toattract the notice of others and gain favor intheir eyes. And when they fail to notice, smile,praise, or say the right thing, you take it sopersonally, that you become automaticallycrushed and functionally impaired. After somany years spent on pleasing others, and notyourself, isn’t it time to get back in touch withyour neglected self? This is not selfishness,this is self-preservation! Stop passivelyallowing the course of your life to bedetermined by the reactions of others. Cut thecodependent ties with others, and achieveemotional independence, by not being soconcerned with impressing others, and notbeing so impressed by them. You want to be a


writer – go for it; you always dreamed of beinga doctor – turn it into a reality; having yourown business excites you – then let nothingstop you. You can only pilot your own future,when you’re seated in the cockpit, and don’tallow others to cloud your vision or break yourspirit. Continue to play the role of the victim,however, and your life will never get off theground. Afraid to step on anyone’s toes andtake the risks necessary to move forward inlife, you remain helpless and stranded,blaming a seemingly hostile world for all yourfailures. Don’t you want to taste the sweetsmell of success in your lifetime? Then stopgiving up and start standing on your own twofeet. Begin by not sticking your nose intoeveryone’s conversation so you can overhearwhat their saying about you. And if they are –so what! Laugh it off, and show them that itdoesn’t bother you, by not taking it sopersonally. Your best defense against theinsults of others is not to give them thesatisfaction of your reaction. They’re expectingto get a rise out of you, and when you don’tdeliver, they’re the losers, and you emerge thewinner. Remember, you can only get hurt, ifyou allow yourself to get hurt – because you


need to feel hurt. Sitting passively in thecorner sulking like a cry baby will not earnyou the sympathy you’re seeking; on thecontrary, people will feel that much more up,because you're so down. So stop waitingaround in life for a ride from others that’snever coming. Get moving, by jumping intothe driver’s seat and reach for the stars.

10.The teacher scolded you in front of the class,so you never want to step foot in the schoolagain. The matchmaker informs you that afterfour dates, the boy is not interested, so youthink that you’re not normal and needtherapy. Your best friend decided to spend theholidays with someone else instead of you, soyou begin to doubt that people really like you.Your boss denied you the day-off that yourequested, so you feel like a failure at the job.Wait a moment! Why are you getting sobroken? Everyone has feelings, not just you!Yet, there are some people whose egos are sofragile that the slightest hint or indication ofdisapproval or criticism can pain them to thepoint that they wish to die. Existing in theirown delicate bubble, they lead a tormented


life, where at any moment, a remark orcomment can be blown out of proportion andtrigger an overreaction. Be realistic! As humanbeings, we all have our weak points that are asource of shame and embarrassment to uswhen attention is drawn to it. He’s ashamed ofnot finishing high school; she’s sensitive aboutbeing overweight; he’s humiliated because he’sa poor breadwinner. Remember, you’re notalone – everyone has their issues! So, stopmaking yourself an exception to rule, as ifyour feelings have the special status ofuntouchable. “Yes, but I get hurt easily”, youinsist. Your blood is not redder than yourfriends, so stop taking everything sopersonally, as the Sages said (Shabbos, 31a),“What you despise, don’t do to your friend”. Ifeveryone would be sensitive to each otherssore points, as we are to our own, then wewould cease hurting each other and the worldwould be a better place.

11.Most of the chronic unhappiness of ourgeneration is due to our rat-race mentality,which defines success in terms of how well weoutdo the other guy. Pressured to compete, we


are jealous of the other person’s triumph, andhate him more, because it means our defeat.We take his success too personally, and letresentment build, because we blame him forour failures. Nothing could be further from thetruth than this misguided philosophy. Truesuccess is not born out of ill-will; on thecontrary, it is only achieved by displayinggood-will to each other. Restore serenity toyour life, by quitting the race against yourfellow man. Cut the codependent cord withothers, by declaring everyone a winner andnobody a loser, and then you will beemotionally free from relying on others foryour happiness. Having no expectations fromothers, will automatically eliminate theresentment and jealously you felt towardsthem, and you will not take everything theysay or do so personally. No longer threatenedby the success of others, you can join infellowship with them, as your heart fills withgenuine love and concern for your fellow man.Once again you will learn to smile at others,as you search for ways to help them succeedand advance their cause, without expectinganything in return. You will have arrived at aplace of emotional and spiritual health, and


success will come to you naturally. You mayhave as many enemies as the hair on yourhead, but, because of the strength of yourconviction in G-d’s absolute control, you avoidemotional enmeshment with others, so whatharm can they possibly inflict? Relying only onG-d and not expecting any favors from others,you don’t get hurt because you don’t takeanything personally; On the contrary, youinspire others and wish them well, becausenot a trace of unhealthy attachment to themremains. Now it’s up to us to correct man’sinhumanity to man, by not takingeverything so personally, by caring for eachother in a healthy way.

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