Divorce RecoveryLesson 13

How to Help Children Whose Parents Divorce

Tanya’s Story

What do you feel as you hear this?

Troubled, sorrowful, pained?

What Are the Effects of Divorce on Children

Loss of family structure.

What children know is that the family provides the support and protection that they need.

Divorce breaks the family structure leaving children feeling alone and very frightened about the present and the future.

Rejection

Children feel rejected when their parents divorce.

Children get angry at their parents for violating the unwritten rules of parenthood, because parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around.

How Do Children Feel?

Children feel intense loneliness.

Even when children are encouraged not to take sides, they often believe they must.

Many children feel guilty and some believe it is their duty to mend the marriage.

Long-term Emotional Results

After 10 years and sometimes 15 years, the children of divorce still have persistent strong emotions.

  They feel less protected less cared for, and less comforted.

Fear of Entering Adulthood

They fear betrayal, they fear abandonment, and they fear loss.

They draw the conclusion that relationships have a high likelihood of being untrustworthy; betrayal and infidelity are probable.

Step One How To Help: Know Kids

What Is It Like For a Child?

A fourteen-year-old might be trying to take care of the rest of his family while his eight-year-old twin brothers are acting quite differently.     

One brother is contemplative and the other is physically expressing his distress.

The three-year-old has regressed in skills that he recently learned. He becomes distressed by any separation from his mother.

Divorce For a Child Is a Huge Event

1 An adult may have learned that pain is temporary, that the Lord is faithful and will not leave or forsake you.    

2 A child may not know any of these things.     

3 A child will lack resources to handle such pain and confusion

4.    A child will need help to know that the world is not falling apart.

What Behaviors Will You See?

They may act out. 

They may withdraw.

They might become the responsible manager of the family

Worry

Children worry about who and what they have lost and how to live without that person around all the time.    

They worry about what their parents are doing about their relationship with them.

The Age of the Child and Possible Responses

Up to two years of age.

They will react to emotions of others.

The child will have a tendency to cling.

 Keep routine intact, child can not tell time but knows that something is wrong

A child is capable of reacting to your stress

The Age of the Child and Possible Responses

3 years to 5 years of age

Age of discovery, a child uses all five senses   

No abstract thinking, they hear you but can not interpret the information.

They want to fix things up for others

They will engage in magical thinking

They will not have a concept of shock and may show little concern

State the facts, they will need repetition

The Age of the Child and Possible Responses

6 years to 10 years of age    

Their talk can be very fearful     

They will need a great deal of reassurance

The Age of the Child and Possible Responses

10 years to 13 years of age. 

There will be separation anxiety, they will need affection but may be embarrassed by it.    

Boys may loose some manual skills, their grades may fall.     

They need to vent their feelings, they will look for permission to do so.     

There may be an emotional separation from the ones they love, a defense and self-preservation mechanism.

The Age of the Child and Possible Responses

Teenage Years     

More adult thought processes evident    

They should be encouraged to communicate      

Physical touch is very important, but ask permission

You may need to engage in loving confrontation.

Points to Keep in Mind When Dealing with Children

Children cannot sustain emotional pain for long periods of time   

Do not reject their emotions     

Do not tell them how to feel or how not to feel    

Allow the child to comfort you    

Be patient, they may need to ask the same questions over and over       

Maintain order and stability in the child’s life

Remember children tend to idolize the parent that is gone, help them to regain balance and perspective.

Children’s Reaction to Loss

Pain, despair, disorganization

Hope for reconciliation     

Stable eating/sleeping patterns fall apart and then return to normal     

They need to know they will enjoy life again     

They need to know there lives will not always be disorganized and their thinking clouded.

Let them know they do not have to be ashamed of their feelings.

Step Two How to Help:Know Grief

Grief is agony for anyone, any age, any maturity, any faith    

Grief takes time

It is a process of letting go of something familiar and taking hold of something in the future.

The Process is Influenced by Many Factors

It is influenced by whom they lost, is it the parent who nurtured, taught, provided, coached, etc?

Every facet of the relationship will be something to mourn

What Has To Be Reinvented?

Together you must reinvent your family

The family is like a giant mobile where all the parts are balanced in equilibrium and yet move gently with every puff of wind.

With divorce one piece of the mobile is instantly cut off.

The whole mobile is drastically upset and out of balance.

Grieving is an effort to come to a new balance.

Step Three: Know Christ

What would Jesus do to help the children

Jesus cares for children

Jesus always tells the truth.

When we have Jesus, we have a friend with us

Jesus Comforts Us

John 14:1 says, “Let not your hearts be troubled.” He comforts with the promise of His presence and with the assurance that He is making preparation for us.

As a faithful adult in the life of a hurting child, you have an opportunity to act out God’s promise of His presence.

We Have a High Priest

1. In Jesus we have someone who knows about living in this fallen world.

2. Jesus is the high priest who experienced life here on earth

3. He is Immanuel, God with us.

4. Nothing can separate us from God’s love

We Have a Supervisor

It is not all random meaningless chaos.    

God cares about how we handle circumstances    

God never changes     

He establishes us in secure places.

He promises to keep us safe from the evil one.

You Can Be a Role Model

You can help them to understand how to live in a fallen world     

As you demonstrate reliability you make the presence of God come alive.    

You are God’s ambassador.     

It is hard to read God’s Word when you are distressed, but a child can see God’s Word written in your actions.

You Are a Demonstration

You demonstrate how to be sad and how to hope and trust in Jesus at the same time.     

Model this for your child     

Tell the child there will be a time when things are back in balance.     

Model your faith that the Lord is reliable and worthy of your trust.

You Are a Listener

It is important that you listen even if they say things you do not want to hear     

Listening can be one of the most loving things you do.     

Be willing to bear their burden of sadness or confusion.     

Listen even when it hurts. Never say, “Don’t say that!”

As you listen you may be able to offer insight that will strengthen them, or explain some facts that will lessen their concerns.

Share Tears and Answer Questions

Tell them you are sad too.     

A child may ask many questions.      

The questions may be repetitive.

The questions may make you uncomfortable, but being a helper is not about your comfort.

The World Can Change Suddenly

God remains the same yesterday, today, and always.     

Normalcy reinforces their lives, simple things such as piano lessons or gymnastics practice can be helpful.     

Be a faithful witness be the one who faithfully attends their soccer games, dance class, and concerts.

The regularity and predictability of the commitment is what is valuable

Be Reliable If you offer to “be there” for fragile hurting persons, then you have to fulfill a request if they make one. Never make a promise you cannot keep.     

If you won’t be available on a moment’s notice, do not offer to “call me anytime.”     

You cannot disappoint and reject a fragile person without becoming a part of the pain instead of part of the solution.     

Instead, make a more specific offer or say nothing at all.

Grief and Pain Generate Big Emotions

Big emotions need to be spent with big physical activity.

Plan times to go out and do something, be it baseball, bowling, running, or punching.

Pray For Your Children

Divorce is going to have a deep effect on your child’s life and who he or she becomes.

Be willing to hear their burden of sadness or confusion.

Tell Them Why You Hope

Tell what you have seen and heard of

Jesus.

Be Patient and Persistent

It takes time to reach balance again and a lifetime to gain maturity.

Be prayerful, flexible, and tailor your helps to your child.

Never let them forget there is nothing they could ever do that would cause you to stop loving them.