Discovering Me - A Personal Understanding and Discovery of What It Means to Have Aspergers - Version...

8/6/2019 Discovering Me - A Personal Understanding and Discovery of What It Means to Have Aspergers - Version 1.1

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DISCOVERING ME

- A PERSONALUNDERSTANDING AND

DISOVERY OF WHAT IT

MEANS TO HAVEASPERGERS(A book of poems and other musings Version 1.1 Dated 2011-07-11)

By Emma Jane


2/39

This book of poems and other musings of my life are dedicated to my parents. Though many of the

poems and musings express anger or frustration of things I was experiencing. It was of no fault of

my parents. They knew something was off but had no idea. Even those they took me to try and

find out what was going on, couldn't tell them. They did their best with what information they had.

I myself couldn't express to them what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening and

or had no words to describe it or took it to be normal, despite the problems it gave me. For no oneseemed to be struggling with this like me. When I did try to tell others by words that I could express

or by my actions, I was told to get over myself or was given a look, that made me feel like I wanted

the ground to swallow me whole. My reaction to this was to keep quite, put my head down and

carry on. Even all these years later and only after eventually getting a diagnosis of a sort (The

person I went to, turned out not to believe it is a condition and refused to give it stated on paper), I

am only now starting to learning the words to describe what has happened to me and is still

happening to me. Most times when I do, it takes a while. That's why I write it down, it is easier

than trying to say it face to face.

Yet my parents raised me with love and lots of answered prays. Despite not know what was wrong.

Both my parents went out of their way never to give us kids any labels. The way they raised me and

my brother, in many respects the way that was ahead of its time for the norm. Which when I looked

up how to raise children with Aspergers, they had done exactly all the right things and more!

Including the use of computers and this is without the guidance of professionals in this field! You

must remember this was the early 80's and it was a very rare thing to have a computer in the home.

The use of computers for Aspergers was most likely not even on the radar for people else where

either at the time either. Because of what my parents did many of my symptoms are not as severe

as they could have been.

If I did do something that was different, the only thing they would say was 'you think out of the

box.' As I have read more and more on the subject of Aspergers, I have come to realise that despitesome of the problems in some regards it gives me. It is just figuring out how to use those 'problems'

and turning what could be a potential problem into an advantage. Though I must admit this can

take a while at times and have and will be bumping my head more than a few times as I figure

things out.


3/39

CONTENTSPage

Something is just not right 4

Broken Telephone 5

Now will you let me be? 5

Do I know you 6The Ironie 6

Get the message yet? 7

Just plain stubborn 8

Mind your manners 9

The picky eater 9

Mustn't be late 10

Where is the order? 10

Playing the pretend game 11

Sparkly things 12

Who are you? 12

Why aren't you listening? 13The Clumsy one 13

You don't have Aspergers 14

You got lost ..Where? 15

You're an adult now 16

Always lagging behind 17

Out of the box 17

Hanging on for dear life 18

The unwritten rules 18

I want to be alone 19

The wallflower 19

The tightrope walkers 20Woe is me 21

Your inner strength 21

Always been misunderstood 22

I hate forms 22

No imagination?

The rat race 23

Paperless is better 24

Which is better? 24

Please don't touch me that way! 25

The bee in my bonnet 26

Are you ok? 26The collection bug 27

Difficulty in explaining 27

The sound of an argument 28

Unlocking the door 28

What's the point of it all? 29

An Automatic Reaction 29

Feelings 30

I like order 30

Just visiting 31

The dance 31

Lemonade 32

Playing with children 32

3


4/39

The invisible barrier 33

The realization 33

The longing 34

The slow poke 35

The look 35

When Inspiration hits 36

Index Alphabetical listing 37

4


5/39

SOMETHING IS JUST NOT RIGHT

All your life you know something isn't quite right with you.Others too see it too.

But what is it?

No one knows.

To others you're just quirky or one the who thinks out of the box.

You try to explain what you are experiencing.But can't most times.

When able to do so in part, you are told:

You are imagining things.

To get over yourself.Everyone is also dealing with that.

So you keep quiet, put your head down and carry on.

You want to be alone.

People don't want to accept this.You don't like certain foods. Like Onions.They call you a picky eater.

How would you like it if all you tasted was onions and nothing else of the food? Yuk.

Need order.

Not amused when someone disrupts that.

People must leave your things where you put them.Must not be late for things.

Even better, arrive earlier.

Certain touches make you want to climb the walls.

Loud noises are a pain.

You react badly or show displeasure at your world been disrupted in some way.People shake their heads in amusement or are puzzled.

You are frustrated that no one seems to understand you or is willing to try to.

Everyone seems to expect you to be like them.

How can you when you don't seemed to be working from the same script as everyone else.

Frustration builds.You have a blow up about the way people are reacting to you.

You seek help once more.

This time the you recognised some symptoms from an article on the net.The psychologist listens.Some help she is.

She says you have Aspergers, but doesn't believe it is a condition.

So refuses to state it on paper.

You are angry at first.Then you realise that you have the answer of why you are different, even if there is no paperwork for

now.

Your actions make more sense

Many of the others you tell about this are now starting to listen to you.

Now knowing what is the matter, you can deal with it and make life a little easier.Never give up.

You may see the world a little differently to others, but so what, we were never meant to be the same.5


6/39

BROKEN TELEPHONE

Playing Broken Telephone as a child is fun.

In real life not so much.

People don't understand.

Face to face you hearing seems to be fine.Use a telephone and you begin to play a real life version of Broken Telephone.

Don't recognise voices too easily.

If you know what the conversation is about you are ok most of the time.

People who don't talk clearly, or have very bad accents, sound like Martians.

Need someone else to take directions to a new place you need to go.

Otherwise the person will have to spell extremely slowly each new word you don't recognise and

then you still get lost.

People talking near you.

Crackling noises on the phone.People answering the phone in very noisy places.

Background noises can make it almost impossible to hear what they are saying at times.

You have your hearing tested.

The results come back, there is nothing wrong with you.

Now what?

People think you are acting up or talking nonsense when you tell them you can hear, but not

properly on a phone.

Years later you see a program on hearing problems.

Your symptoms fit one of the conditions talked about.You most likely have CAPD.

It means that you hear fine, but understanding its just that you can't filter out certain sounds, or

distinguish certain words from each other.

Now you understand why at other times besides the telephone, you misunderstand instructions at

times or find out what you thought the singer was singing about was not what they were saying.

You have been playing Broken Telephone all along and no one had told you!

NOW WILL YOU LET ME BE?

I said I wanted to be alone

You wouldn't listen

I said I don't like crowds

You wouldn't listen

Well I've done the deed

I've taken the test

I am not anti-social

I am Autistic

Now get off my back and let me be. 6


7/39

DO I KNOW YOU?

People don't understand or want to believe.

You have difficulty recognising faces.

You have difficulty remembering names.

More so when trying to put them together.

They laugh and they say they do too, it comes with age.

I'm in my 30's!

They don't understand.

I have always had this problem.

I have learnt ways of hiding it.

It can be very embarrising at times, when you do trip up.

You change your hair,

The way you dress,

I see you in a place I don't normally see you.I cannot recognise you.

You wonder why I look hard at you for a second.

Sometimes I fain regcognition.

For only after talking to you for a moment I realise who you are.

The person you are talking to about this, has a look on their face.

You can tell they still don't seem to understand even after all this explaining.

They go on their merry way.

You have no idea who the where, only that they looked familiar, but cannot place them.

THE IRONIE

I Know I think out of the box

I know I am different

But you would not listen

I'm tired of defending my actions that fall on deaf ears.

I have accepted that I am who I am

Without having to know the cause.But you still won't

Why do I have to try and get a piece of paper from a psychologist, stating that there is something

wrong with me to get you to listen?

Now I've spent a small fortune

I'm stuck with a label

Are you listening now?

Or is this still not enough?

I AM AUTISIC!!!!

LEAVE ME BE!

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8/39

GET THE MESSAGE YET?

People keep saying,

Where have you beenWe've missed you

Most times in a patronising voice of some kind.

Nothing makes my blood boil quicker.

I said I was going to be away

I said I didn't like been in crowds

Yet they still ask.They don't listen.

I don't tweet and twit.

I don't use facebook.

I don't use mixit.

I barely use my cell phone.

I was born before personal cell phones, computers and the

internet.

When cell phones were available, they cost a pretty penny and

were sizes of bricks.

Most didn't have computers, even when I was in high school.

The internet was only something you heard about and was

expensive to use.

You may be addicted to your little electronic boxes.

I am not.

It has resulted in you constantly being in communication with

someone all the time.

The problem is now you don't know how to be by yourself.

Well my message is this.Don't make your problem mine.


9/39

JUST PLAIN STUBBORN

Your world is difficult at times

You put down your head and just carry on

You are just plain stubborn

Things can be overwhelming at times

You take one step at a time



Others ignore your cries for help

Or just don't understand.

So you do your best to figure things out on your own.



You struggle to do things, others do with ease.

It takes you hours, even days what others do in a few minutes.



While everyone else seems to know the script to life by heart

You do not and seem to loose the plot at times.

Others do not react well to this



You look back at all have done, despite all you have faced

You are amazed.

I did all that? you say in disbelief.

Many of the things, you seem to be dealing quite well with in you own way.

Others are surprised, knowing what ails you.

It is not normal for someone like you to do some of those things willingly.

You realise why.



Remember no matter what life throws at you, there is away to get around those stumbling blocks.If you can't go around it or over, DIG!

It may take you a little longer to get there, but you will get there.

The key is never to give up.

So in the mean time, put your head down and just carry on.

Being just plain stubborn has it's rewards!

8


10/39

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Mind your manners.

These word I heard a lot when younger.

Use your knife and fork.

Not your fingers.

But I hate using a knife and fork.

I can't eat my food properly.

I don't want them.

You are told it is not good manners, especially in public.

Then comes the pudding.

There is only a big spoon.

Can't I have a teaspoon? I ask.

No

But I can't get it in my mouth,It is too big.

You get the look.

The conversation is over.

So you reluctantly nibble the food on the edge of the spoon.

The years have passed.

But at home I eat how I please.

But still in public, I hear these words ring the back of my mind.

Mind your Manners.

THE PICKY EATER

Such a picky eater others say.

Be greatful for the food you have.

Stop wasting it.

There is nothing else if you don't eat that.

'If you don't eat it all up, you will not get some sweets like the others.' they would say.

I don't care.I am not hungry.

The look of disbelief on the person's face, 'You doesn't want sweets?'

When little, I had no word to describe what I can now.

To me I just didn't like the food or want the food.

Now I know that certain tastes and textures get to me,

Sometimes to the point I just can't eat it no matter what and I would rather go without.

I don't like to mix most of my foods together and prefer they don't touch each other on the plate.

I do not have a eating disorder.

Though it can lead to one if not careful.I will eat other healthy things with pleasure.

But I just won't eat that. 9


11/39

MUSTN'T BE LATE

Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late.

I know the world will not fall apart if I am.

But the words still are still ringing in the back of my mind.

Mustn't be late. Mustn't be late.

When do you have to be there? They ask.

A week or so from today.

Their eye brows rise.

You're packed already?

It's only a two day trip.

I don't want to forget something.

Time gets closer.

More double checking.

Is this all that I need or think I will need?The day comes closer.

Mustn't be late.

I arrive at least half and hour earlier, some times more.

It gives me time to think about things.

Calm my nerves before we leave.

But with every appointment I have, the words still ring in my head.

Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late.

WHERE IS THE ORDER?

They know you like order

They know you like your routines

At work things are where they need to be.

At church you run the library with an iorn fist

Each thing in it's place and don't you dare mess it up.

Yet when they see your home they see only chaos.

At times it looks like a hurricane has gone through it.They cannot understand this.

This is not order

But they are wrong

The definition of order, is it not, the placing of things in ways to find them again when needed?

There is a name for what my place looks like.

Organised Chaos

Yet to those looking in it is a hopeless mess

But I know where everything is.

10


12/39

PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME

Be careful when playing the pretend game

The objective is not to be found out

If you are

You have failed.Failure brings shame.

You mustn't let people see fully who you really are.

They will not understand

So you do your best

The 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail.

So the facade stays rigidly in place

But when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in.

They mustn't see all of the real you

They will not understand.So you try even harder to master the pretend game.

You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game.

Relief sets in when you do

Till the next hiccup crops up

Then you panic once more.

The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time.

It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone.

The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing.

So be careful when playing the pretend gameThe objective is not to be found out

If you are

You have failed.

Remember failure brings shame.

11


13/39

SPARKLY THINGS

Many like to watch flowing water.

I like water, but to play in.

Many like to watch spinning things

When younger I liked to spin till I fell down, then watch the world spin instead.But now just watching someone spin, sometimes makes me not feel too good.

But what I have always liked, is sparkly things.

They seem to mesmerise me at times

Gold and silver crayons

The way the light bounces off different shiny objects

Things like marbles, glass figurines, even certain types of metallic paints

Almost anything that allowed sunlight to sparkle through its shapes or bounce off it sparkling.

My most favourite is water droplets when the sun hits them, especially on a leaf or a flower.

My favourite picture when younger was of a kingfisher just had it hits the water.It was from my veiwmaster.

The sunlight used to see the picture, made the water sparkle even more.

I would stare at it for ages.

So while others like their flowing water and spinning things, give me something sparkly and it will

most likely have my undivided attention for quite a while.

Well that's if it doesn't interfere with my work or with others.

Otherwise I have to patiently wait till I can, then the world can carry on without me.

WHO ARE YOU?

'Who are you?'

The teacher asks the question

What do you mean 'who am I?'

I am me.

She explains.

Now what?

Frantic thinking.

Quite a while later, put down, I am a child of God.

Teacher says no religious answers.

I am confused.

If I'm not that, what am I?

Says describe yourself.

Now what?

Rest of the class begin to read their responses.

I listen.

Write down what I think the teacher wants.

But is it really me?

For still inside, my first response is:I am me.

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14/39

WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?

The teacher says something.

She immediately asks you a question about it.

But you are unable to respond.

She gives the questioning look of disapproval.Why you are not listening?

But I am.

It's just that I can't answer right now.

If she asks five minutes from now you will be able to.

You know this is weird.

You cannot explain it.

So you do your best not to be seen in class.

The less questions you are asked the better.

It is not a nice feeling you get from the teacher as she gives you a look when she thinks you are notlistening.

Yet inside you are screaming, I am listening.

I just need time to think!

THE CLUMSY ONE

The Clumsy one.

That's what you are.You cannot deny it.

You walk into things.

You fall over things.

Even your own feet at times when younger.

Your 4 year old brother can beat you at a computer game.

You are 6 years old!

All you have to do is hit the spacebar!

You sit there for hours crying, trying to get it right.

He got it right in only a minute or two.

You still haven't.

Eating with a knife and fork is a challenge.

They don't want to go where you want them to.

You were 8 before you could ride your bike without training wheels.

Have been to swimming lessons for years.

But you are nearly 10 and a half before you can swim.

You cannot hit a tennis ball in a straight line.

Even now you have to work doubly as hard as most people to get certain things right.

It means hours and hours of practice.

But lose your concentration for just a second and your co-ordination goes out of the window.When this happens, everyone knows.

You are the clumsy one. 13


15/39

YOU DON'T HAVE ASPERGERS

You don't have Aspergers

You hear people say when you tell them.

You seem fine.

Even thepsychologist says that, after she tells you she doesn't believe it is condition.But admits on paper you show strong signs of it.You try walking in my shoes for a day or two and see what you have to say then.

The severity of my symptoms over long periods of time ebb and flow.

But I have them. Not as bad as some may get them, but I still have them.

Aversion to certain smells, tastes, textures, lights, sounds and even touch.My co-ordination is up the creek.

I have difficulty in:

Recognising faces

Hearing on the phone

SpellingProcessing my emotionsUnderstanding and interacting in social situations

I even have difficulty in unfamiliar places finding my way many a times

Taking the scenic route to get there is not my idea of fun, especially when one is in a hurry.

That's even sometimes when I use a map.

But when people look at me they don't see that.

They don't see the hours and hours of hard work, just to keep up the appearance that everything is

fine, including the routines I have developed to get though the day or to deal with certain situations.They don't see the panic, when things start to go wrong.

When they do see you do something out of the ordinary, the looks you get are not always pleasant.Or when you refuse to do what everybody else is doing, they hound you and will not listen to you.

You try to explain, but have difficulty in doing so.Your conditions seems to baffle them and the reaction from most is the same every time.

They just say get over yourself.

I am still lucky, most of my symptoms many a times are more of an irritation to me at times, than

debilitating.

But the embarrassment from doing something you shouldn't have, infront of others, is very real andvery unpleasant.

That on its own can be very debilitating.

So to those who refuse to listen.Spend some time in my world and you will soon change your tune.

I do have Aspergers. It's just that I am good at hiding it.

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16/39

YOU GOT LOST..... WHERE?

You got lost.... where?

In the the shopping Centre.

You hear and see the response of disbelief and amusement.

That place is so small.In less than five minutes they knew their way around.

They laugh again.

You feel embarrassed

Now years later you understand why you got lost.

Going to new places, especially shopping Centres is not fun.

Your eyes feel like they can't open wide enough to take it all in.

Feels like everything is coming at you all at once.

You feel off balance and disorientated, almost like you are high on something.

You now learn this is not normal.Yet you had tried to tell before, but struggled to find the words.

When you managed to tell them, that you felt disorientated.

Everyone just told you that they too get slightly disorientated in a new place of that size, there is

nothing unusual about that.

But they don't fully understand what you are experiencing.

You still go to shopping Centres.

Have learnt ways to cope with what is happening.

Look only where you need to.

Focus on where you are walking.

Going with someone also helps, focus on them and not whats around you when you start to feeldisorientated.

Some say stay away from such places.

I will not.

Things will be fine once I get to know the place well.

Well, till they swap things around quite a bit, that is.

Then I will have to learn all over again where things are.

But so what? Staying away will not solve the problem.

I will live my life the way I want to, not letting things like this stop me.

15


17/39

YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW

You hear the words

You're an adult now

You are 21

But inside you feel like you are still 12 years old.Things have just got harder.

The fear just got more

Will they realise that you are not as old as they think you are?.

Some in the past have

When much younger you were not acting your age, but more of your younger brother's at times.

But they said that was normal there was only 2 years difference between the 2 of you.

But as the years pass you too seem to notice you are not the age inside others expect you to be.

The gap ever widening, no matter how you try to hide it.

You feel like a child constantly trying to play pretend.

At 21 you feel like a 12 year old who has been given adult responsibilitiesIt is very overwhelming .

Now even in your 30's, you still feel like a young child inside, trying to deal with an adult world at

times.

Some times even now you feel like you are seeing things as perhaps 12, now 13, maybe 14 year old

would see the world.

Yet at other times maybe even a little older.

There are times when the facade fails.

The looks you get when it does, only makes you want to hide your secret more.

People do not understand.

But do you really want to tell others?

You have the intelligence of an adult

But the emotions and reactions of a child at times.

They will not get this.

The fear of been treated as less than who you are by others is real.

Knowing many would talk down to you.

You are not stupid, You are not dumb.

You just want them to be understanding if you react differently.

Yet you know they will most likely will not.

So you hold up your facade to the world.While others say you're an adult now.

Inside you know you are not.

16


18/39

ALWAYS LAGGING BEHIND

When others tried the latest fads

You did not

You would analyze it first

Think about itThen only do it if you felt it is worth the while

This could take days, weeks, months and even years

But you have learnt

Jumping in with both feet like everyone else, most times leads to disaster

Decisions that you come to regret later

Some of them have serious consequences

So you take your time

Tread carefully

Make sure everything is rightThen go ahead

To others it may look like you just aren't interested or that you are lagging behind

But when you are doing a balancing act with your life

Trying to keep everything together

The decisions you make have far reaching consequences

So while others think you are lagging behind

You are not

You are moving at a pace that is right for you

OUT OF THE BOX

You don't think like others

You think out of the box

But so what?

Look back in history

What do you see?

Those that made the biggest contributions to the worldThey thought out of the box

True you may not be a genius like many

It doesn't mean you can't make a difference.

You still can

Help others to see things from your angle

Help them too, to think out of the box

Imagine a world where no one is in their own little world

A box so small

That they do not see there are other ways of seeing thingsHow much better this world would be

If we all thought out of the box. 17


19/39

HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE

Everyone has a part of them they do not reveal to others

Only yours is a bit more

As you grow up you realise you are not like everyone else

You know not why

You have learnt to show that difference, brings looks of disapproval

Yet you have broken no laws that you know of and do not understand why

So you try bury that part of as deep as you can

Hang onto it so tightly

Fearing to let go

To do so, would mean loss of control and others seeing

You do not want those looks

The years pass and nothing changes

Then you discover why you are like you areThough you only tell only a few why

You start to let go

The freedom it brings

The relief

The load has been lifted

But still a large part of you still wants to hang on for dear life, to that part of you that was hidden

Will you truly be able to let go?

You know it will take time

But life is much better knowing whats wrong

Denying it only makes things harder, if not, much worse

THE UNWRITTEN RULES

You get the look.

What?

You shouldn't have done that.

Done what?

You broke the rules.

What rules?

You don't know of any rules written down, that say you can't.

Not all rules are written down.

If they are not written down, how are you supposed to know them?

You just do.

You have no idea what they are talking about.

You get the look once more, but no one explains

18


20/39

I WANT TO BE ALONE

I don't mind being around people some of the time

But I need my alone time

The constant bombardment of things happening around me

Constantly trying to readjust to itIt is very draining

I just need to get away from it

Being constantly being on my toes

Must not make a mistake

Can be very stressful

People say you don't have to take part

You can just sit there and watch

They do not understand

Even just sitting there trying to be invisible is still too muchThe noise

The going ons

And people will never truly let you be

You are continually trying to fend them off

You are tired of doing so

The looks you get are not always pleasant

So when I say no

Or want to be alone

Please respect my decision

THE WALLFLOWER

For most of the time in your life you are a wallflower

You fly under the radar

Many a times you have tried to move away from the wall

Only to end in disaster

You learn quickly it is far safer to remain by the wallYou are not subjected to looks

When you get things wrong or cannot keep up

People tend to forget wallflowers are there

They leave you alone

No unwanted attention they give

So you remain where you are observing the world as it goes by

19


21/39

THE TIGHTROPE WALKERS

The tightrope stretches before you

It is so thin

It is so high up

You feel dizzyYou are scared

How are you going to get across this?

You haven't been trained

You have no idea what you are supposed to do

You look to your right

You see your friend, who stands at his rope

He gives you a smile and a thumbs up

He is not scared

He can't wait to get started

You are both handed some items and told to take them to the other side

You both take a step

There is no going back

You hesitate

You look at your friend

Your eyes grow wide

He is juggling his items

Then he dances across like it was a 6 lane highway

How is that possible?

The audience cheers and begs for more

You look at the rope

It is so thin

Holding on tightly to your items, you take the next step

Your balance is going

You take a few quick steps to try to regain it

You fail

You drop some of your items

The audience becomes quiet

You take a few steps moreYou loose your balance again

This time you fall

You catch the rope

You cannot stand up, so you inch along

The audience boos

You get to the end

What a relief

You and your friend climb down

He is congratulated and carried on shoulders

Those that notice you, do not look happy

Everyone leaves

20


22/39

You are alone

You look up at the tightrope of life and know tomorrow you have to do it all over again

The fear hits you again

What if you fall once more?

But you know you have no choice

So you head out the door, fearing what the next day will bring.

WOE IS ME

Woe is me

That's the reaction manypsychologists and psychiatrists think you will have

You sitting in a corner crying

Woe is me

If they acknowledge you have Aspergers

That's not trueWhat utter nonsense

I am stronger than they think

I am not an ostrich like them

Sticking one's head in the sand never solved anything

If you deny there's a problem

How are you to face it?

To know if you can learn to deal with or over come it?

So to all the psychologists and psychiatrists out there that think like this.

Wake up and smell the roses

And take your head out of the sand!

YOUR INNER STRENGTH

Many say:

You are so strong

You are coping with what?

How are you able to do what you do?

You are always smiling when I see you

How do you do it?

This I can tell you

One cannot deny it

That strength is there when you need it the most

When you come to the end of your tether

When you think you cannot no more

It fills you with hope

You know he is there

So give him your thanks and your praises

And never forgetHeavenly Father is there

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23/39

ALWAYS BEEN MISUNDERSTOOD

You open you mouth and say something

Yet it seems no one hears you

It got lost in translation

You try once more

You say your say again

Yet they still don't seem to be listening

It got lost in translation once more

It's got corrupted some how

How is this possible?

We speak the same language

You try a third time

It still does not work

You are given the look or reprimanded for your trouble

Your reaction to this, is to keep quiet

Don't make a scene

The frustration it brings

How do you get them to understand?

I HATE FORMS

The paper is placed before you

Great another form

Where do you start?

All the words are coming all at the same time

So you take a deep breath

You try to take it all in

Now that you see more than a jumble of words

But the requests of information are not clear

Are they wanting this or that?

You are frustrated

You write carefully

You think you are done

You ask to make sure it is all there

They seems satisfied

You are relieved

It is now over

But you are not happy

A single page has taken 10 15 minutes to fill inBut you know sometimes it can be longer.

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24/39

NO IMAGINATION?

Many people say that those with Aspergers have no imagination

Is that so?

No it is not

Mine is just differentMine does not always come quickly

True mine was structured to some degree

My playmobile dolls had to be the same colour for families

Our lego was was mostly to do with cops and the hospital

Barbie and Ken were family orientated stories

But so what?

There are so many variations to what each of those story lines could be.

As I got older stories began to run around in my head

But how to put it to paper?I didn't know how

It took years, before I began to

It is still takes time at times.

It comes in waves

Sometimes seeing what others have to say about a certain subject helps

It unlocks the door, to let me get started

But my imagination is there

THE RAT RACE

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry

This should have been finished yesterday

I cannot wait, I need this right NOW!

People hoot for they feel the car infront of them is not going fast enough

20 000 things to do and only 24 hours to do it in

For me I have no choiceBut in a way its good

I have to take things slower

Otherwise I will not survive

Everywhere I look

Everyone is in the same rat race

They are stressed

They become ill because of it

It may take me longer to do things

In the end it will get doneThe chaos and the rushing

This is not for me 23


25/39

PAPERLESS IS BETTER

Give me a computer any day

I don't like pen and paper

I write too slow

I press too hardMy hand gets sore after a while

You are given a form to fill in

How on earth are you supposed to get all that information in such a small space

My hand writing is at least twice the size of yours

I used to write in cursive

But at times I couldn't read my own hand writing

Now I only print

But as I said give me a computer

My spelling is atrociousMy ideas are very scattered

I can go over and over my work without having to re-write everything

Thank goodness for the internet

Spelling checkers are a great help

If I couldn't do it this way

I wouldn't even attempt to write down my works

So many trees would have to be sacrificed

My poor hand would not survive

Let alone my patience

WHICH IS BETTER?

It is a question I have often asked myself.

To be aware that I am not always doing things the way others do

The looks I get at times because of it.

Then the upward battle to make sure you don't do it again

Or to be blissfully unawareOf the looks or of my actions not being exactly right

But then I think of the heartache this may cause

My parents do not deserve to have that

They have sacrificed and dealt with so much

So as I think of this dilemma I know what the answer will be

But still at times you do wish

That life was not always feeling like Mount Everest

While others seem to be crossing life with ease

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26/39

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME THAT WAY!

How are you my dear? she says

She pats you on the arm as she greets you

You want to get away

You can't, she's holding you by the wrist

She continues to pat your arm with her other hand as she talks

Someone please help me!

You want to climb the walls

You've got to get away

But you are helpless till she lets go

She eventually lets go

Thank goodness!

Oh, no!

Another person comes to greet youThey place their arm around you as they talk

You cringe once more

Why must they hang onto you?

At last you are free of them.

Then someone hugs you from behind

You stiffen

Not again!

You don't mind getting hugs

But they must let you know it's coming

I don't mind a hug or handshake

But to all of you out there

Please take note

If I do not return the greeting or stiffen at your touch

Please let go

Remember for the next time

Please don't touch me that way.

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27/39

THE BEE IN MY BONNET

I've got a bee in my bonnet

I have got to do this thing right now

I cannot wait

If I do, it will not get done

I have learnt to harness the bee in my bonnet

Focus it in the direction I need to go

But do not disrupt

I cannot get restarted

It is extremely hard to do so

It will lie there unfinished

So while I have this bee in my bonnet

I will go all out

By the end of it I will be exhaustedBut much will be done

So when you see me with a bee in my bonnet

Please do not disrupt me

You can ask me if I need help

But if I say no

Do not insist

Leave me alone

So I can get it done quickly

For once this bee in my bonnet is goneYou can have my undivided attention

ARE YOU OK?

The tears are coming

The nose is running

Are you ok? They ask

There is no need to be upset

That's just it

I am not upset

This is very embarrassing

I am just nervous

But I do not have total control

So when I am nervous

Agitated or even just slightly upset

This is the result that you get

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28/39

THE COLLECTION BUG

I like to collect things

And many different things over the years

Many are not like what others would

Some is not voluntaryIt just happens

But the urge is always there

Radio Stories

I do not like listening to music in general

So radio stations are a pain

You can't get your work done if you are stuck in front of the TV

Remembering random facts

But have difficulty in remembering formulas or whole subjects

Remembering TV schedules and what the programs are aboutThough I didn't studied it

Remembering the almost all the books I've read

But only if you show me the book, can I tell you if I have

Do not ask me the Authors or names of the books

I may only remember a few at random

Be warned do not let me into a second hand bookstore they may be left bare

These are just a few such things

I like to collect

But let it be knownThankfully I am not much of a horder

If things get too much they will be gone

DIFFICULTY IN EXPLAINING

Others talk with ease

Explaining their world to othersI have extreme difficulty with this

Speaking face to face about my world

This is not for me

But have found it best to write

What you want from me

It takes time to answer as best as I can do

Of what you want from me

But even then I do not always get it right

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29/39

THE SOUND OF AN ARGUMENT

You turn on the TV

You watch Dr Phil

You watch a real court case

You watch to the end

But not me

When the arguing starts

The pitch of their voices change

I don't feel real good

I am uncomfortable

I've got to stop watching

I've got to get out of the room

Change the channel

Turn off the TVJust make it stop

It's made me feel agitated

Want to curl into a ball

The strange part is, that if this was a movie

It would most likely not affect me that way

But if someone shows just the slightest agitation to another in real life

All I want to do is get away

The sound of someone pulling ones fingernails across a chalkboard, is better than this

UNLOCKING THE DOOR

A key has been turned

It's opened a door

The words are now tumbling

I've got to keep up

Or all will be lost

I cannot explain itBut words are now found

How long they will stay

I do not know

So while they are here

I'll make the most of them

Explain what I'm feeling

Explain what has been

For tomorrow the words may be gone

The struggle returns

So while I canHere is my voice

This is what it means to be me 28


30/39

WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ALL?

I am not perfect by any means

But one things for sure

I find it harder than many to lie

What's the point of it all?

Some say it makes things easier

Others say they it's the only way to get ahead in life

Others get rich

But as I said


You are going to be found out

Weather it's now or after you die

When you're standing before himThe Master will ask

Why you did that

Your head will be hung low

The punishment hard

So the question is this


AN AUTOMATIC REACTION

You've unknowingly trained yourself well

A question is asked

You answer without thinking

But when you take the time to think of the question

You now realise the answer is wrong

But as you grew up

You learned your lesson well

The answer you have givenIs the one you think that they want or the nearest to what you cannot say

Back then you had no words to describe what was happening

So you answered without thinking

To a script that you knew

Now you have found the right answers

But it's still hard not to answer without thinking

But slowly that's changing

Hopefully one day

There will be no answers without thinking.

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31/39

FEELINGS

While most show their feelings at a drop of a hat

Many a times you cannot

It takes time for what has happened to sink in

Then the feelings hit

The result can be

Feeling like a dear caught in headlights

To others they may think

You do not care

As you do not react as they had expected

For at times

You have no idea what to do with you emotions

Which can be very confusing or overwhelming

Because of this when someone asks

How are you feeling?

You are unable to find the words

To express what you are feeling

I LIKE ORDER

While most live according to the chaos theoryI do not

I like my world to be a bit more orderly

Most things in it's place

I do not mind small changes

Or major ones if given time to process it

But I do not like been disrupted

When a time limit has been placed

I've got to do this in order

Otherwise disaster might take place

Strange as it may be

I do not like when others change my schedule

But when I do it myself, I am ok with it

I guess the reason for that

Is that I can take my time

While with others

Most times they do not give me time.

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32/39

JUST VISITING

If I were from Uganda

And did what I had done

You would not give me a look of disapproval

You would help me learn the cultureGuide me along the way

If I were from Russia

And did what I had done

You would not give me a look of disapproval

You would help me learn the culture

Guide me along the way

But because I sound like you

Look like you

Then I do not always react like youYou do not

Yet I am too just visiting

THE DANCE

You've been dragged here

You don't want to be here

The musics too loudThe flashing lights are too much

There's too many people

You don't want to dance

You have 2 left feet stuck in cement

So you sit outside

Away from most of the noise

While you wait for the others

Wishing this night would be over

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34/39

THE INVISIBLE BARRIER

You see the world

You want to take part

You want to connect

But you're unable to do soThere's an invisible barrier between

You are unable to tell

What you want or you need

When you try

The message doesn't get through

There's an invisible barrier between

People can't seem to see it or understand

But it is there

No matter how much you or they try to deny itThere's an in visible barrier between

At times it's like watching a play

You are there as things happen

But you cannot take part

There's an in visible barrier between

THE REALIZATION

As I now look back on the stories I've written

Before I had words to describe as I do now

I have discovered

The realization is quite shocking

I already unknowingly knew the answers way back then

A lot of what my characters experienced or who they are

In some ways had a started in mine

In a way it is quite spooky

And as I continue to uncoverUnderstand more of what goes on

I'm beginning to see more of me in these stories of mine.

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35/39

THE LONGING

You want to dance in the rain

Out in the open

But the looks that one gets

Make you want to hold back

You want to build sandcastles

Out on the beach



You do not like crowds

You want to go where you will not be bothered

But you can't get away

You've got to be there

For the crime is too high

There is so much that you would like to do



It hurts you deep down inside

When they look at you that way

Like you've done something most horribly wrong

When all that you've done

Is to be all of yourselfYet no laws have been broken

So you do your best to avoid those looks

But as time passes on

You are screaming inside

You want to get out

You want to be all of you

But you know that you can't

It will hurt a lot more

So you hold backOnly letting all out you out

When you know that it's safe

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36/39

THE SLOW POKE

I was almost always one of the last to finish things in class

If I tried to rush it

Things would be even more untidy

My co-ordination completely out the door

While others made their decisions now

I would take my time

Think it over most carefully

While most people I know are speed freaks

Most times I do not go faster than 60 k/m an hour

Which most of them pass quite speedily on their way to their top speed

Everyone else is rushing, rushing, rushing

I take my time on thingsI know I do take longer

But it will get done

But if I tried to live my life like yours

My world would end in shambles

Things would not get done

Quite frankly it would leave my head spinning

Not knowing what was going on.

THE LOOK

I may miss some body language and expressions people show at times

But the one that hurts and affects me most

I am cursed to know

To me the look people give

That says they are extremely disappointed in me

Like a parent would a child

With the threatening look behind itJust wait missy till we get home

You are in big trouble now!

Most times I have no idea

What I did wrong

But I do my best

Not to do it again

Of what you think I may have done

But the feeling one gets

From the look that they giveMakes you want the ground to swallow you whole

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37/39

WHEN INSPIRATION HITS

The wave of inspiration hits

Oh great look at the time

It's nearly passed midnight

Most of times during the day

I'm as dry as the perverbal desert

But when it's time for bed or much later

The rains begin to fall

I am greatful for these waves of inspiration

They are helping me to express

What was once locked away for so long

But there is just one thing

Why can't these waves of inspiration come at a more convenient time?

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38/39

ALPHABETICAL LISTINGPage

Always lagging behind 17

Always been misunderstood 22

An Automatic Reaction 29

Are you ok? 26Bee in my bonnet, The 26

Broken Telephone 5

Clumsy one, The 13

Collection bug, The 27

Dance, The 31

Difficulty in explaining 27

Do I know you 6

Feelings 30

Get the message yet? 7

Hanging on for dear life 18

I hate forms 22I like order 30

I want to be alone 19

Invisible barrier, The 33

Ironie, The 6

Just plain stubborn 8

Just visiting 31

Lemonade 32

Longing, The 34

Look, The 35

Mind your manners 9

Mustn't be late 10 No imagination?

Now will you let me be? 5

Out of the box 17

Paperless is better 24

Picky eater, The 9

Playing the pretend game 11

Playing with children 32

Please don't touch me that way! 25

Rat race, The 23

Realization, The 33

Slow poke, The 35Something is just not right 4

Sound of an argument, The 28

Sparkly things 12

Tightrope walkers, The 20

Unlocking the door 28

Unwritten rules, The 18

Wallflower, The 19

What's the point of it all? 29

When Inspiration hits 36

Where is the order? 10

Which is better? 24

Who are you? 12

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Why aren't you listening? 13

Woe is me 21

You don't have Aspergers 14

You got lost ..Where? 15

Your inner strength 21

You're an adult now 16

Discovering Me - A Personal Understanding and Discovery of What It Means to Have Aspergers - Version...

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Transcript of Discovering Me - A Personal Understanding and Discovery of What It Means to Have Aspergers - Version...