Disciplining Your ChildThe need for discipline

When children are born, they are like blank slates on which their parents' help to script the beginnings of the stories of their lives. Every child grows up and ultimately charts his own destiny, but his parents lay the foundation. And everybody knows the consequences of building on a weak foundation. Disciplining your children is one way of setting them on the right path and equipping them to wing it on their own. 

Disciplining a child is comparable to walking a tightrope. Parents have to maintain a delicate balance between over-indulgence and authoritarianism. However, parents often do not perceive discipline as being such a delicate business. For most parents, discipline operates on a simple principle. If the child does not meet the standards of 'good' behaviour set by the parents, he must be disciplined. This is one way of looking at it. The child that does not tidy his room or one that throws a tantrum, or one that talks back to his parents-all of them must be disciplined. But these are short-term goals that shift from situation to situation. Disciplining is not only about showing your child who's the boss. This is a very shortsighted approach. In general, people do not react favourably to criticism and children are no different. If a child is frequently criticized by a person whose opinion he values (in this case the parent), he may lose confidence in his judgement and actions. So parents have to realize that discipline is about more than getting your child to clean up his room or controlling a tantrum. 

In the long run, disciplining your child is aimed at teaching him to internalize the standards of behaviour so that he can be the judge of his own behaviour and realize what is acceptable and what is not. Parents have to teach their children what is good as well as what is bad. Therefore, discipline does not merely involve correcting their mistakes, but also showing them the right thing to do. Thus discipline does not have to be just a negative process, but with constructive criticism it can become a positive experience. Parents want to discipline their children in such a way that their children don't view them as the enemy and understand that disciplining stems from love and concern. Parents also want to raise children who understand the consequences of their actions and take responsibility for them.   

Styles of discipline

Parents adopt different styles of discipline. Some adopt a Hitlerian attitude - the authoritarian approach. These parents convey the message that their word is law. This approach does not encourage questions or feel the need for justification. While on the surface, this approach may seem highly effective, the fact is that it encourages blind obedience. Children obey their parents' orders out of fear and without really understanding why they are forbidden to do certain things or have to do other things.

At the other extreme you have the permissive parents who operate on the premise that a child is a rational, sensible human being and should be treated as such. These parents encourage their children to participate fully in any decisions involving their actions and other things that affect them. These parents do not issue orders, but encourage discussion. While such parents have all good intentions, they do not make

very good disciplinarians. The fact remains that children cannot be treated as equals, because they are not. They need the advice and guidance of their parents. Parents who follow this style of discipline actually fail to provide guidance to their children in that they do not set any standards for them. They expect their children to judge their own actions when they are not qualified to make such judgments. 

The authoritative parent is one that has probably achieved the balance required on the tightrope of discipline. This parent lays down the rules, but explains the reasons behind these rules. Their children thus understand why they should obey their parents. These parents tell their children that they must do this or that not merely because they say so, but for a specific reason. The children thus establish the connection between their actions and their consequences and build a solid foundation on which they can base their future judgements. Such parenting also makes the children feel that their parents respect their feelings because they bother to explain and justify the rules and regulations that they impose on their children.   

Positive discipline

The key to success is for parents to establish their authority over children without putting them on the offensive and getting into a power struggle. Children, just like other people, do not react well to taking orders. The instinct is to rebel and the parents' automatic reaction is to exert further pressure and bend them to their will. This can degenerate into a losing battle with both sides feeling angry and humiliated. The children must get the message that discipline stems from caring and is for their own good. 

Many times children can drive their parents to distraction with their naughtiness and disobedience. On such occasions, parents may see no other option but to give their children a good spanking or a strict dressing down. While this does not cause serious damage if it is a rare occurrence, it has been observed that children whose parents discipline them by hitting, nagging, or shouting at them on a regular basis, have a tendency to be more violent and aggressive than other children who are disciplined through other means. 

Another important thing that parents should keep in mind is that when they rebuke their children, they should make them understand that it is a specific behavior that is under criticism and not the child himself. The child must feel that he is not a bad person, but that he has not behaved correctly in a particular situation. 

There is no point laying down rules if parents do not enforce them. This means that children must be punished every time they break the rules laid down by their parents. However, punishment should not be used as a personal vendetta against the child for disappointing or disobeying the parents. It should also not be aimed at making the child feel guilty or bad. Punishment should be aimed at making children understand the consequences of their actions and to take responsibility for their actions.

Managing your Child's FearsIntroduction

Babies are unpredictable. In the early days of their lives they are like fearless, intrepid explorers. They go boldly into the great unknown. Then overnight these brave adventurers become scared of their own shadows. They develop the most irrational fears. They are scared of the most innocuous things. Sometimes you can't help but feel impatient when you see your child screaming hysterically at the sight of a dog or at the sound of the fire engine alarm. The whole thing seems inexplicable. 

You have to understand that your child's early fearlessness stems from the fact that ignorance is bliss. What they don't know can't hurt them. This is why the same child that cheerfully put her hand between the jaws of a dog, will later run away screaming at the sight of a barking dog. Somewhere along the way she has learnt that dogs can bite. As the child grows older, her imagination and curiosity develop side by side. She learns the potential dangers of certain actions and objects and the reasons why it is so. As she makes these connections, her awareness makes her cautious and sometimes frightened. 

It has been observed that these fears develop more often in children for whom feeding and toilet training have been contentious issues, or in those who have overprotective parents or who have been regularly warned or cautioned against doing certain things. On the other hand, some children are just born sensitive.   

Fear of the dark

Fear of the dark is one of the most common childhood fears. This is also a fear that adults can most easily identify with. The average adult is not as confident and even a little shaky in the dark. The lack of the ability to see clearly acts as a spur to the imagination leading most people to imagine that somebody is creeping up on them. If your child is scared of the dark you can indulge her by leaving her bedroom door open or leaving a night light on. Keep her well occupied with games and other activities throughout the day so that she has no time to brood on her fears. In time, she will realize that there is nothing to fear.  

Tangible fears

Sometimes children develop fears of tangible things like dogs, cockroaches, the water, men in uniforms, etc. It is not necessary for the child to have had a frightening experience with any of the objects of their fears. It will certainly not help to coerce them to overcome their fear by forcing them to confront the objects of their fears. There is a good chance that dragging your screaming child towards a dog or throwing her into a swimming pool is going to backfire. Children most often outgrow these fears themselves. Sometimes they find that acting out the fear, like pulverizing a stuffed toy dog, is therapeutic.   

Fear of death

Some children are scared of death and dying. They cannot understand what happens to their pets or people who die. This is not surprising as adults themselves are confused by death. Adults themselves find it difficult to comprehend the finality of it all and its relation to life. So how do you explain it to a child? Some parents choose to explain death in religious terms. They tell their child that the deceased has gone up to God in heaven. On the other hand, parents can just deal with death by saying that the person was old, weak and too tired to go on living. It is important that parents maintain a casual air and reassure their child that they will be around for years and years to come.

Penis anxiety

Children often exhibit a fearful response at the sight of a crippled or deformed person. This stems from the apprehension that it could happen to them too. The difference in male and female genitalia can be a cause for concern for children. Boys feel that the absence of a penis in girls could mean that something terrible happened and may be the penis fell off. In which case, this makes them vulnerable too. The same thought occurs to little girls. They feel that they have been deprived of this essential body part in mysterious circumstances. Parents should explain that this difference is a given and that men and women are just made differently. The lack of a penis does not make a girl inferior to a boy in any way.

Some children, around the age of two, scream in protest when their stool is flushed down the pot. These children realize that the stool is a product of their body and become quite possessive about it. That is why they sometimes evince fear about flushing the pot because they feel that they are losing a part of themselves.  

Fear at the movies

Some parents think that their child would find a trip to the movies a fascinating experience. Picking out an appropriate animated feature, they sally forth with the child. Much to their astonishment, the child begins to wail when the wicked witch appears in the first five minutes and demands to be taken home. Parents must remember that children below the age of seven often find it difficult to separate fiction and reality because of their overactive imaginations. Thus, movies may not be a good idea for children in this age group. 

A positive approach

Always keep in mind that while you may not understand the child's fear, it is very real to her. Ridiculing the fear or chastising your child for being a coward is not going to make the situation any better. Encourage her to talk about her fear. You must instill confidence in her by assuring her that nothing bad is going to happen and that you are right by her side. While it is important to be sympathetic, do not overdo it. Your child may get the message that her fears are justified. 

Temper TantrumsRahul's Story

Rahul was a little boy of five years. He was the first child to be born in the Rathod family after 10 years and so was loved and doted over by all - his parents, grandparents and even his uncle and aunt who had had no children of their own. His wish was everyone's command and he was always given whatever he desired. Then his parents decided that it was time to have another child. Soon after his mother gave birth to a baby girl and the whole family rejoiced once again. All, except Rahul.

Suddenly, there was a marked change in his behaviour. He would cry, scream and throw a fit for no apparent reason. His mother could not pay much attention to him in the first few months because she was busy feeding and changing the little one. And the rest of the time she was so exhausted that all she could do was sleep. His father was in the office most of the time and would come home very tired. If he found Rahul crying or screaming he would just give him some money and send him with the servant to go and buy himself a chocolate. His grandparents were too old to be able to run after him and would give in to his silly demands just to keep him quiet. Rahul realised that there was no one to control him and he could always get his way by simply throwing a tantrum.

Someone more important than him

But no one in the family seemed to realize the cause for this change in behaviour. All except his aunt. It was not that Rahul was not given whatever he wanted before his sister was born, so why the temper tantrums to get his way? His aunt was the only one to realize that he was missing all the attention that was coming his way when he was the only child. Now suddenly he seemed to feel that he had lost his mother altogether and the attention of the rest of the family was diverted elsewhere. So she tried her best to spend long hours with him, making him feel needed, loved and wanted. And whenever he threw another tantrum, she would not allow the others to give in to his demands, but hugged him and made him feel more secure instead.   

Over-pampering and Spoiling

Temper tantrums also fall in the category of behavioral disorders. To be even more specific, it is a personality disorder that is learnt by the child due to wrong parental attitudes and unhealthy upbringing. It is not due to any physical or genetic cause but generally occurs in those children who are over pampered or spoilt. Sometimes the parents might not have enough time to spend with the child and tend to over compensate with toys or clothes and gifts. Or sometimes when they have an only child they simply dote on, they automatically give in to his demands. It is quite easy to give in to or tolerate the selfish and egoistic behavior of your only child. A typical case of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'. But the real trouble starts when the second child is born.

 

Don't give in - be firm

In most cases, by this time, a pattern of wrong learning has already set in and the child knows exactly how to get his way. He knows that if he screams or shouts or throws things around he can make his parents dance to his tune. The trick is not to give in and to hold your ground until he settles down and learns to behave himself. Adequate punishment at this point would probably help to correct this wrong learning pattern and help establish appropriate responses from the child.

Another equally valid cause for temper tantrums is irritability. A child would get irritable if he were not allowed to do whatever he wants to do. This normally starts when he is still an infant and is probably in inexperienced hands. The mother might try to force him to eat when he is not hungry or try to put him to sleep when he is wide awake.  Or someone might insist on carrying him or playing with him when he just wants to be left alone and rest. Then again as he grows older, his parents might insist that he rest when his friends are down playing or basically never allow him to do things according to his wish. This would irritate almost any human being and most specially a child. Especially as he is too young to understand reason and just can not fathom why he can not have his own way for a change. He them manifests his feelings by shouting, screaming, kicking, throwing things and rolling on the floor. It is no use explaining things to him in this condition as he is not open to logic and can only see the situation from his point of view. It is also not advisable to give in and encourage this behavior pattern. You must show him that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

I once read about a six-year old girl whose outbursts took the form of raging anger where she would bite her little brother who was just an infant and throw things at her parents. Investigations revealed that she had been left to the care of an old maid who insisted that she sleep in the afternoon and curbed her at every step. She was too old to play with her and was therefore unnecessarily strict. Her mother had no time for her with the little baby on her hands. So the suppressed girl grew very irritable by the day and flew into a rage at the drop of a hat. Her parents panicked and rushed her to a child guidance centre where she went through intense therapy with a psychiatrist who was able to pinpoint the cause of her tantrums.

It is not necessary for every child to be taken for counseling if the parents can understand what the child is going through and rectify the problem by themselves, through love and compassion. But if the case intensifies, it is best to get proper guidance and counseling.

 Anger and ParentingSupermom and Superdad

When an erstwhile child stands on the threshold of parenthood, he or she aspires to be the pillars of wisdom and guidance that his or her parents were. The fledgling parent realizes that the task of raising a child is an awesome responsibility and hopes that one grows into a 'good' parent by magic. But what is a 'good' parent? This question is not easily answered. Parents are people who provide food, clothing and shelter for their child; who love their children unconditionally; who protect them and guide them along the 'right' path; who teach them to be responsible individuals who can be of value to society - All this and so much more.

However, this is an ideal list of requirements. But parents have to travel a bumpy road to achieve these goals. The reality is that people don't change into perfect superhumans just by virtue of having a child. You have to operate within the limitations of your humanness, your shortcomings and weaknesses. As an adult, when you think about your parents, you perceive them as these wise beings who always knew the right thing to do and say. You should keep in mind, however, that the passing years have probably erased the memory of all those times when you felt anything but love for your parents and were convinced that they had been put on this earth just to torture you.  

Anger can be Destructive

One of the most difficult emotions to deal with as a parent is anger. The modern parent has to deal with a great deal of stress considering that there are a million demands on his or her time. One of the offshoots of stress is that it makes a person quicker to anger. Most parents will tell you that when faced with a tantrumatic child, they have felt like lying down on the floor and kicking and screaming louder than the child. While they may not go to that extent they usually find it quite difficult to control their anger. While anger can be a cathartic emotion, it can also be destructive, especially when a child is faced with a parent's anger. Anger can be appropriate in a situation where the parent has to discipline the child. But anger is often inappropriate because parents invest so much time and love in their children that they are easily disappointed and frustrated.

When a parent's anger has cooled, he or she usually just forgets about the incident. A child, however, can perceive the situation quite differently. Children can feel unloved because sometimes in the heat of the moment the parent is often not specific about the reason for his or her ire. They feel that nothing they do is right. They feel angry and humiliated.   

Defense Mechanisms

If a parent has a hair-trigger temper, it usually makes a child quite anxious. The child then develops defense mechanisms to deal with this anxiety. One such defense is deceit. Many children lie just to prevent their parents from yelling at them. If your child sees you lose your temper frequently, she may adopt the defense of avoidance. She may take to tiptoeing around you because she is never sure what is going to set you off. This curbs the spontaneity of her relationship with you and she may become guarded about expressing her thoughts and emotions. Other children try to fight fire with fire. They react to anger with aggression and 'attitude.' They will either shout back at the parent or try to demonstrate that their anger does not affect them. Some children display their indifference by playing the clown and laughing and giggling. This is probably because they are nervous and to hide their pain and humiliation.   

Inappropriate Anger

How does one know if one's anger is unreasonable? One has to indulge in a little introspection and try to identify what it is that makes you angry. May be you react with anger to behaviour that is merely inconvenient, not objectionable. May be your anger is a reflection of your irritation with a minor change in your schedule. May be your anger is just an expression of your frustration when trying to teach your child or helping him to complete some work. May be you are irritated by your child's wailing or raucous laughter. May be your child just seems to be a source of endless demands. Or has your child merely interrupted your train of thought? If this is the case, you can be sure that your anger is inappropriate.  

Coping with Anger

Parents have to learn to cope with their anger and to compensate their children for the anger that they cannot control. If you think about it, you can probably identify the times when you are more likely to be stressed out and prone to anger. For instance, in the mornings when you are getting your child ready for school and get dressed for work at the same time. Or may be at the end of the day when you come home tired from work. Once you are aware of this, you should try to explain to your child that your anger often stems from the situation and is not directed at the child personally.

Once you are aware of these 'difficult times,' you can cope better with your anger. If you cannot deal with your child's homework as soon as you come home, schedule this time for an hour before dinner, giving yourself enough time to wind down. If you feel that you are going to lose your temper, try the tried and tested technique of counting to ten or step out of the situation till you feel a little calmer. 

You can enlist your child's help in controlling your temper. Warn them that there are certain times of the day when it is not advisable to start a silly squabble or ask trivial questions that are bound to irritate you. This will also make your child conscious of others' emotions and the situations in which they occur. 

Remember that a child is less threatened by anger that is targeted at a specific behaviour rather than a harangue involving a litany of complaints about his general behaviour attitudes. So if you are going to give your child a dressing down, stick to the point as far as possible.  

Compensation

Sometimes with all the best intentions, a parent fails to control his or her anger. In such situations, it is only fair that you make it up to the child. However, this does not mean showering the child with presents and treats. This is overcompensation and could lead to the child learning to manipulate the parents. 

Children always view their parents as their safety nets, the people who will always be there for them and support them. A parent's anger can often shake this belief. It is important that the parent re-establish the security and comfort of the relationship. This can be achieved by spending some quiet time with the child. This will quell the feeling of rejection that the child may have and keep the lines of communication open. 

The child needs to be reminded that a parent's anger is merely an incident in a relationship and does not diminish the love that the parent has for the child. There is no better way to communicate this than by displays of physical affection. A hug and a smile go a long way in mending fences. 

Preoccupied with their own anger, parents often forget that their anger affects the child too, eliciting feelings of anger and humiliation in turn. If a parent acknowledges this, it helps to reduce feelings of resentment that the child may harbour or a feeling that he or she has been misunderstood. This will make your child feel that he or she can still communicate with you. Try to make your child understand the reasons for your anger. This will diminish the confusion and fear that children feel when faced with a screaming parent. A mistake that parents often make is to deny their anger. This only serves to confuse the child. Children are very sensitive to your feelings and can accurately judge when you are angry. When you deny the anger, they get a mixed message that confuses them. They may not be sure about their reading of other people's feelings and reactions in future. It is important that you set an example to the child to be honest with themselves. 

To conclude, the fact remains that children can try the patience of a saint. While anger is a common enough emotion, parents do not want their temper to drive a wedge between them and their children. Every parent would like that their children be able to talk to them and not live in fear of them.