Dina's Conflict Resolution Guide Apr 08 BBSR

8/9/2019 Dina's Conflict Resolution Guide Apr 08 BBSR

1/75

Conflict ResolutionConflict Resolution

in personalin personal

DinaDina--Anukampana DasAnukampana Das

&&

working relationshipsworking relationships


2/75

How This Conflict ResolutionHow This Conflict Resolution

Presentation Should Be UsedPresentation Should Be Used (1)(1)

MostMost adultsadults considerconsider ourselvesourselves toto bebe veryvery rationalrational

andand intelligentintelligent.. HoweverHowever althoughalthough manymany of of ususmaymay havehave goodgood IQIQ (Intelligence(Intelligence Quotient)Quotient),, aa vastvastmajoritymajority havehave poorpoor EQEQ (Emotional(Emotional Quotient)Quotient) andand

H__H__o__o__WW D__D__oo T__T__h__h__E__E__yy

H__H__a__a__P__P__p__p__E__E__n__n__??DinaDina--Anukampana DasAnukampana DasRR ee LL aa TT ii OO nn SS hh IIpp SS

areare unableunable toto expressexpress ourselvesourselves andand handlehandlerelationshipsrelationships withwith otherother peoplepeople satisfactorilysatisfactorily thethemomentmoment wewe areare underunder emotionalemotional tensiontension oror stressstress..

ThenThen we we becomebecome a a liabilityliability toto all all who who are areunfortunateunfortunate enoughenough toto bebe nearnear usus.... IsIs therethere hope?hope?


3/75


Presentation Should Be UsedPresentation Should Be Used (2)(2)OneOne primaryprimary reasonreason forfor thisthis isis thatthat wewe *fail*fail toto

realize*realize* thatthat onceonce emotionsemotions overcomeovercome usus,, ititisis thenthen very,very, veryvery hardhard forfor usus toto thinkthink andandactact rationallyrationally.. Therefore,Therefore, whenwhen wewe firstfirst



,,themthem toto bebe tootoo simplesimple oror justjust commoncommonsensesense.. ButBut wait wait a a moment! moment! CommonCommon

SenseSense Aint Aint So So Common Common WhenWhen Were WereUpset!Upset! AndAnd itsits notnot aa licencelicence toto hurthurtothers,others, physicallyphysically oror emotionallyemotionally either!either!


4/75

ButBut inin orderorder toto discoverdiscover theirtheir truetrueworth,worth, wewe stronglystrongly suggestsuggest thatthat





slideshowslideshow whenwhen youyou nextnext findfindyourselfyourself inin thethe midstmidst ofof anxiety,anxiety,

oror painpain etcetc.. bornborn ofof somesome conflictconflict..


5/75



ItIt isis onlyonly thenthen thatthat youyou willwill fullyfully appreciateappreciatehowhow usefuluseful thisthis presentationpresentation isis inin makingmakingusus introspectintrospect andand toto liftlift ourselvesourselves outout of of



actions,actions, andand bringbring usus back back toto aa sound,sound,rationalrational statestate ofof mindmind..

SO,SO, PLEASE PLEASE DO DO USE USE THIS THIS WHILEWHILEACTUALLYACTUALLY GOINGGOING THRUTHRUAA CONFLICTCONFLICT


6/75

We must be introspectiveWe must be introspective

1.1. Admit/AcknowledgeAdmit/Acknowledge thatthat thethe problemproblem doesdoesindeedindeed existexist..

IgnoringIgnoring itit willwill makemake thingsthings worseworse.. SoSo willwillpretendingpretending thatthat itsits notnot therethere..


IfIf youyou suspectsuspect therethere isis aa problem,problem, dodo considerconsideryouryour sixthsixth sensesense.. HoweverHowever,, dontdont taketake anyanyactionaction basedbased uponupon itit untiluntil youyou havehave

confirmationconfirmation.. ii..ee.. PreparePrepare yourselfyourself forfor itit hopehope forfor thethe be`stbe`st butbut expectexpect thethe worstworst.. IfIfneedneed be,be, enquireenquire [privately][privately] fromfrom thethe otherother

partyparty ifif therethere isis anyany thingthing wrongwrong..


7/75

We must be introspectiveWe must be introspective22.. IdentifyIdentify ALLALL thethe elementselements involvedinvolved::

CircumstancesCircumstances

PartiesParties // Peo lePeo le & &Relationshi sRelationshi s


AccurateAccurate SequenceSequence ofof developmentsdevelopments thisthis isis wherewhere manymany misunderstandingsmisunderstandings

originate,originate, makingmaking usus misjudgemisjudge thetheintentionsintentions ofof thethe otherother party,party, andand inin thetheend,end, wewe fightfight overover nothingnothing..


8/75

Is there a relationship?

3.3. Isolate theIsolate the relationshipsrelationshipsinvolvedinvolvedWe must be introspectiveWe must be introspective



or ngRelationship?

ersonaRelationship? Both?

Is it mutual?


9/75

A relationship DOES existA relationship DOES exist

ONLY IFONLY IFit isit isMutualMutual..

The Billion Dollar Question

Is it mutual?



So, how do we decide uponSo, how do we decide upon

the answer tothe answer to

thisthisAllAll--ImportantImportant Question?Question?`

NotNototherwise!!otherwise!!


10/75

The Billion Dollar Question

Is it mutual?

The answer can be derivedThe answer can be derived

This concept isThis concept isthe heartthe heartof this Conflict Resolutionof this Conflict Resolution

systemsystem please deliberate upon itplease deliberate upon itdeeplydeeply..



by deliberating uponby deliberating upon

TWO QuestionsTWO Questions::

QuestionQuestionAA andand QuestionQuestion BB


11/75

The Billion Dollar Question:The Billion Dollar Question: Is itIs it mutualmutual??

This concept is the heart of this Conflict Resolution systemThis concept is the heart of this Conflict Resolution system please deliberate upon itplease deliberate upon itdeeplydeeply..

QuestionQuestionAA

(A1)(A1) Do I reallyDo I really respectrespect that person?that person?

(A2)(A2) Do I trulyDo I truly carecare for that person?for that person?



. .. .

mean anything at all to me?mean anything at all to me?

ORORDo I want toDo I want to continue/modifycontinue/modify aarelationship with that personrelationship with that person

ORORDo I want toDo I want to terminateterminate mymy

relationship with thatrelationship with thatperson?person?

Do I want toDo I want to beginbegin a relationshipa relationshipwith that person?with that person?

(A3)(A3) Do I trulyDo I truly wantwant a/thea/therelationship with that person?relationship with that person?


12/75



QuestionQuestion BB

(B1)(B1) Does that person reallyDoes that person really respectrespect me?me?

(B2)(B2) Does that person trulyDoes that person truly carecare for me?for me?



.e. oes my app ness or we are.e. oes my app ness or we aremean anything at all to him/her?mean anything at all to him/her?

ORORDoes that person want toDoes that person want to continue/modifycontinue/modify

the relationship with methe relationship with me

ORORDoes that person want toDoes that person want to terminateterminate

the relationship with me?the relationship with me?Does that person want toDoes that person want to beginbegin

a relationship with me?a relationship with me?

(B3)(B3) Does that person trulyDoes that person truly wantwant

thethe samesamerelationship with me?relationship with me?


13/75

Only ifOnly ifthe answer tothe answer to

BOTHBOTH QuestionsQuestionsAA&&BB





isis YES / YES / YESYES / YES / YES

does any relationshipdoes any relationshipexistexist..


14/75

If aIf a MUTUALMUTUAL relationshiprelationship

isis thus established,thus established,then onlythen only does the questiondoes the question




ofofConflict ResolutionConflict Resolution arise.arise.

Only thenOnly thenshould any actionshould any actionbebe carefullycarefully takentaken


15/75

toto maintainmaintain the relationship,the relationship,

transformtransform it,it, terminateterminate it,it,




oror rere--establishestablish it,it,

as the case may be.as the case may be.


16/75

ItsIts worth taking theworth taking the

troubletrouble to resolve,to resolve,

The Billion Dollar QuestionThe Billion Dollar Question Is itIs it mutualmutual??



efforteffort will be a stronger,will be a stronger,

healthier relationship.healthier relationship.


17/75

AnotherAnother wayway ofof sayingsaying thisthis isis::Never fight withNever fight withstrangersstrangers

(i.e. people with whom we(i.e. people with whom wehavehavenonomutual relationshipmutual relationship



fight withfight withsomeonesomeonewho iswho is

aameaningful partmeaningful partof our lives).of our lives).

Also, cultivate detachment fromAlso, cultivate detachment fromthe illusory mass opinon.the illusory mass opinon.


18/75

< Sub< Sub--Point >Point > Illusory Illusory mass opinonmass opinon??

WellWell--known Nigerianknown Nigerian

Car Bumper Sticker:Car Bumper Sticker:



LLEET TT THHEEMMSSAAYY!!


19/75

Furthermore, you would not beFurthermore, you would not be

wrongwrong toto EXPECTEXPECT from thefrom theother party theother party the commitmentcommitment




and effortand effort which it is going towhich it is going totake in ordertake in order to go theto go the

distancedistance in working out thein working out theproblem.problem. This is love!This is love!


20/75

LoveLove inevitablyinevitably bringsbrings withwith it,it,expectationexpectation.. AfterAfter all all how how

wouldwould youyou feelfeel ifif youyoumetmet a alovedloved oneone atat aa art art and and




theythey pretendedpretended notnot to to see seeyou,you, or or treatedtreated youyou as as aa

strangerstranger......


21/75

YetYet wewe mustmust bebe carefulcareful toto

nevernever nevernever expectexpect respectrespect




whomwhom wewe havehave nono mutualmutual

relationshiprelationship.. AA veryvery commoncommonmistakemistake..


22/75

trnd api sunicenatrnd api sunicena

taror iva sahiunataror iva sahiuna




amnina mnadenaamnina mnadena

krtanya sad harikrtanya sad hari


23/75

As a matter of interest.As a matter of interest.(According to ancient Vaishnava(According to ancient Vaishnava

philosophy, all loving relationshipsphilosophy, all loving relationshipsmust always have Krishna (God)must always have Krishna (God)



n e cen re o e re a ons p.n e cen re o e re a ons p.Then the relationships will always beThen the relationships will always be

pure and will even continue life afterpure and will even continue life afterlife.)life.)


24/75

And if theresAnd if theres

no (mutual) relationshipno (mutual) relationship




no problemno problem!!>>>>>>

What does that mean?What does that mean?


25/75

What do I do in that case?What do I do in that case?

If the answer isIf the answer is NONO toto EitherEither

Question (A)Question (A) oror Question (B),Question (B),thenthen no relationshipno relationship exists.exists.



ResolvingResolving thethe conflictconflict goesgoes therethere isisNONO relationshiprelationship existing!existing! UnderUnder NONO

circumstancescircumstances shouldshould youyou confrontconfront thetheotherother partyparty aboutabout thisthis issue,issue, nornor behavebehavebadlybadly towardstowards themthem..


26/75


ConfrontingConfronting themthem oror treatingtreating themthembadlybadly isis the the mostmost commoncommon mistakemistakewewe makemake whichwhich brin sbrin s misermiser andand

If the answer isIf the answer is NONO toto EitherEither Question (a) orQuestion (a) orQuestion (b), thenQuestion (b), then no relationshipno relationship exists.exists.



unnecessaryunnecessary complicationscomplications!!!!!! RememberRemember:: Dont Dont fight fight with with

strangersstrangers andand make make a a fool fool of ofyourselfyourself !!!! Save Save it it for for thosethose whowhotrulytruly mattermatter inin youryour life!life!


27/75


SoSo justjust gogo andand workwork onon gettinggetting thethe painpainoutout of of youryour heartheart,, blameblame yourselfyourself forforallowinallowin ourself ourself toto buildbuild falsefalse




expectationsexpectations (without(without whichwhich youyou couldcouldnotnot havehave gottengotten hurthurt inin thethe firstfirst

placeplace)) andand reorganizereorganize youryour feelingsfeelingsandand conductconduct towardstowards thatthat personperson..LETLET THEMTHEM SAYSAY


28/75


NeverNever givegive inin toto anger,anger, nastinessnastiness ororhatredhatred youllyoull onlyonly destroydestroy yourselfyourself..GoGo letlet offoff steamsteam withwith aa goodgood friend,friend, oror




shoutshout atat somesome treestrees.. oror eveneven punchpunch aawallwall (or(or aa pillowpillow its its softer!!)softer!!) oror writewriteaa NASTYNASTYletterletter (see(see below)below)

AngersAngersnotnot aa problemproblem,, unlessunlessyouyou useuseitit asas anan excuseexcusetoto hurthurtsomeonesomeone elseelse


29/75

RRee LL aa TT ii OO nn SS hh II pp SS(in a lighter vein)

Did you know thatDid you know thatSuccess Is Relative?Success Is Relative?



O Yes Indeed it is!O Yes Indeed it is!

MoreMore SuccessSuccess / /


30/75

= =




31/75

MoreMore



RelativesRelatives!!


32/75

If you haveIf you havetwo relationshipstwo relationships

with thewith thesamesameperson, doperson, doremember toremember todeal withdeal with



eacheachrelationshiprelationship

SEPARATELYSEPARATELY


33/75

you may have to help theyou may have to help theother party to becomeother party to become

mature enoughmature enoughto do this.to do this.



erw seerw seone o e woone o e worelationshipsrelationshipsmustmustbebe

terminated.terminated.


34/75

RRee LL aa TT ii OO nn SS hh II pp SS

HowHow DODO they happen?they happen?

Establishing Bonds (Commitment)Establishing Bonds (Commitment)

Cultivating The Relationship (GroundCultivating The Relationship (GroundRules)Rules)



time/communication + Conflicttime/communication + ConflictManagement). Some useful skills toManagement). Some useful skills tothink about:think about:

Good Communication Skills & PrinciplesGood Communication Skills & Principles

Giving up gossipGiving up gossip


35/75



Listening SkillsListening Skills

Anger ManagementAnger Management

Solving All ProblemsSolving All Problems ImmediatelyImmediately



How to Find PeaceHow to Find Peace The Nasty Letter + 3 DaysThe Nasty Letter + 3 Days

Handling Our Negative EmotionsHandling Our Negative Emotions

ObjectivelyObjectively

Terminating It (Resume civil cordiality)Terminating It (Resume civil cordiality)


36/75



To build on a relationshipTo build on a relationship

and resolve conflicts, there must beand resolve conflicts, there must be

GOOD COMMUNICATION based on:GOOD COMMUNICATION based on:



1.1. TrustTrust2.2. HonestyHonesty

3.3. Expression of FeelingsExpression of Feelings

4.4. Being SensitiveBeing Sensitive -- UnderstandingUnderstandingthe other parties feelingsthe other parties feelings


37/75


38/75

InIn thethe casecase ofofworkingworking relationshipsrelationships,, asas earlyearlyasas possible,possible, consensusconsensus mustmust bebe soughtsought onon

reportingreporting ordersorders andand demarcationdemarcation ofof dutiesduties nono oneone shouldshould havehave moremore thanthan oneone bossboss totoreportreport to,to, andand nono dutyduty shouldshould remainremain

ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP 02ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP 02



ambiguousambiguous.. WeWe areare alwaysalways vulnerablevulnerable toto thosethose withwith whomwhom

wewe havehave relationshipsrelationships,, therefore,therefore, wewe shouldshould

taketake carecare toto choosechoose whichwhich onesones wewe wantwant andandterminateterminate thosethose whichwhich wewe dontdont wantwant..

S S G O S 03S S G O S 03


39/75


ThereforeTherefore itit isis advisedadvised that,that, atat aasuitablesuitable time,time, whenwhen wewe realizerealize aa

personalpersonal relationshiprelationship isis beginningbeginning totodevelopdevelop,, wewe shouldshould meetmeet thethe otherother



partyparty toto speci ica yspeci ica y aveave aa earteart--toto--heartheart discussiondiscussion aboutabout thethe futurefuture ofofthethe friendshipfriendship andand toto seekseek

commitmentcommitment (see(see below)below) fromfrom eacheachotherother toto certaincertain GroundGround RulesRules..



40/75


Channels for communicationChannels for communicationthrough regular quality timethrough regular quality timemustmustbe establishedbe established for both personal &for both personal &

workin relationshi s.workin relationshi s. If notIf not



minor misunderstandings willminor misunderstandings will buildbuildupup andand forceforce disdis--honesty andhonesty and

superficiality.superficiality. (If a relationship is(If a relationship isnot growing, its dying.)not growing, its dying.)



41/75


TerminateTerminateallallunnecessaryunnecessaryrelationshipsrelationships life islife istoo shorttoo shortfor unnecessaryfor unnecessary

conflicts. Dont expectconflicts. Dont expecteveryoneeveryoneto be ato be a

dear friend. Treat them as acquaintances.dear friend. Treat them as acquaintances.Give all respect and honour butGive all respect and honour butdontdont



expect any in return.expect any in return. Youll be happy ifYoull be happy ifthey do recognize you, but dont live forthey do recognize you, but dont live forthat! If by the end of our life we maythat! If by the end of our life we may

have even 5 intimate friends, we arehave even 5 intimate friends, we arefortunate.fortunate. EnterEnter&&CultivateCultivaterelationshipsrelationships

with care!with care!


42/75





43/75


VeryVery ImportantImportant RuleRule:: NeverNeverspeakspeak aboutabout the the relationshiprelationship

itselfitself inin frontfront of of 33rdrd partiesparties hidehide itit oror elseelse itit willwill bebe proneprone



oo e ng e ng exp o e exp o e orormanipulatedmanipulatedbyby othersothers.. This This alsoalsocausescauses hurthurt & & embarrassmentembarrassment

unnecessarilyunnecessarily.. DoDo not not speakspeaksensitivesensitive issuesissues publiclypublicly..

BEGINNING TO SOLVE IT: 1BEGINNING TO SOLVE IT: 1


44/75

SometimesSometimes wewe maymay feelfeel insecurityinsecurity likelike ItIt is isnotnot soso easyeasy forfor meme to to be be understoodunderstood.. The The

otherother partyparty maymay not not taketake thethe troubletrouble totounderstandunderstand meme nor nor go go the the distancedistance toto


Some Preliminaries/FundamentalsSome Preliminaries/Fundamentals



.. ,,thethe otherother partyparty lovesloves usus oror isis committedcommitted totothethe relationshiprelationship.. ItIt isis BECAUSEBECAUSE theythey carecare

forfor usus oror becausebecause theythey wantwant thetherelationshiprelationship toto existexist thatthat theythey willwill joyfullyjoyfullytaketake thethe troubletrouble toto understandunderstand usus..



45/75

ThisThis isis thethe mainmain reasonreason whywhy wewe mustmust firstfirst

establishestablish ifif aa relationshiprelationship isis MUTUALMUTUALbeforebefore wewe beginbegin tryingtrying toto solvesolve anyanyroblemroblem.. IfIf wewe dontdont wewe areare boundbound toto





wastewaste ourour timetime andand energyenergy gettinggetting hurthurttryingtrying toto resolveresolve aa problemproblem withwith aastrangerstranger.. WeWe makemake thethe problemproblem

worse,worse, andand tendtend toto involveinvolve otherotherpartiesparties unnecessarilyunnecessarily..

G G O SO 3G G O SO 3


46/75

ThereforeTherefore itit isis VITALVITAL thatthat wewe helphelp thethe otherotherpartyparty bebe maturemature byby helpinghelping themthem toto alsoalsoendeavourendeavour toto keepkeep thethe relationshiprelationship itselfitself





separateseparate fromfrom thethe detailsdetails ofof thetheproblemproblem.. HelpHelp himhim toto firstfirst rere--commitcommit totothethe relationshiprelationship beforebefore enteringentering dialoguedialogue toto

resolveresolve thethe detailsdetails ofof thethe problemproblem.. OnceOnce thethefundamentalsfundamentals areare inin place,place, thethe insecuritiesinsecuritiesareare removedremoved && resolutionresolution becomesbecomes veryvery easyeasy..

CULTIVATING THE RELATIONSHIPCULTIVATING THE RELATIONSHIP


47/75

AtAt thethe beginningbeginning ofof tryingtrying toto solvesolve thetheproblem,problem, whenwhen thethe firstfirst suitablesuitable

Ground RulesGround Rules

(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 0101))



oppor un yoppor un y oror commun ca oncommun ca onarises,arises, agreeagree withwith eacheach otherother ononthesethese principlesprinciples ofof confidentialityconfidentialityandand trusttrust::



48/75

a.a. NoNo mattermatter whatwhat wewe maymay agreeagree oror

disagreedisagree upon,upon, ourour relationshiprelationship WILLWILLsurvivesurvive thisthis minorminor obstacleobstacle andand wewe shallshall





oo seesee asas aa moun a nmoun a n oo crosscrosstogether,together, bringingbringing ourour relationshiprelationship toto aahigherhigher plateauplateau.. (EVERY(EVERY problem,problem, nono

mattermatter howhow big,big, cancan be be consideredconsidered asasMINORMINORonceonce therethere isismutualmutual commitmentcommitmenttoto thethe relationshiprelationship..))



49/75

bb.. SuchSuch CommitmentCommitment andand mutualmutual





respecrespec rusrus rema nrema n evenevenwewe havehave toto agreeagree toto disagreedisagree ononcertaincertain issuesissues..



50/75

GuidingGuiding wordswords::

I am not put in this worldI am not put in this world

to please you,to please you,

and you are not put in this worldand you are not put in this world

Ground RulesGround Rules (confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 0404))



to please me.to please me.I amI amMeMe; and you are; and you areYouYou;;

and if, by CHOICE [not by chance],and if, by CHOICE [not by chance],we find each other, then it is beautiful.we find each other, then it is beautiful.

Author not known.Author not known.



51/75

c.c. AssureAssure thethe eacheach otherother of of privacyprivacy andand of of notnotdiscussingdiscussing thisthis issueissue withwith anyany thirdthird partyparty..

Ground RulesGround Rules(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 0505))



d.d. InIn thethe casecase ofof workingworking relationships,relationships, ifif thethe problemproblemhashas toto bebe escalatedescalated upup thethe adminadmin hierarchy,hierarchy, ititshouldshould notnot bebe donedone behindbehind thethe backback thatthat isis

tantamounttantamount toto politickingpoliticking!! (Where(Where therethere isis no nolove,love, therethere isis politicspolitics.. SrilaSrila PrabhupadaPrabhupada..))



52/75

e.e. AgreeAgree toto nevernever useuse harshharsh tonestones oror hurtinghurting wordswords andand toto bebesilentsilent whenwhen overcomeovercome byby angeranger.. (But(But dontdont givegive inin toto usingusingsilencesilence asas aa weapon!!weapon!! ConstantlyConstantly checkcheck ourselvesourselves dontdont

Ground RulesGround Rules(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 0606))



g veg ve nn oo ar erar er orcesorces

f.f. PromisePromise toto informinform otherother partyparty immediatelyimmediately andand inin aarespectfulrespectful andand gentlegentle mannermanner ifif everever therethere isis aa changechange inin

onesones sensesense ofof commitmentcommitment toto thethe relationshiprelationship eithereither ififoneone decidesdecides hehe nono longerlonger wantswants it,it, oror if if hehe needsneeds aa breakbreakfromfrom thethe otherother partyparty..

TERMINATINGTERMINATING THE RELATIONSHIPTHE RELATIONSHIP


53/75

g.g. Finally,Finally, eveneven if,if, inin thethe worstworst--casecase scenario,scenario, thethe

relationshiprelationship hashas toto bebe endedended,, thatthat bothboth partiespartiesWILLWILL makemake effortsefforts toto resolveresolve itit entirelyentirely &&amicablyamicably,, leavingleaving nono looseloose endsends whatsoeverwhatsoever..





TheThe testtest ofof suchsuch anan endend willwill bebe thatthat nono illill--willwillnornor painpain shouldshould remainremain atat allall onon eithereither part,part,andand ifif inin future,future, circumstancescircumstances happenhappen toto bringbring

bothboth inin contact,contact, therethere shouldshould bebe nono jumpingjumpingfeelingsfeelings inin thethe heart,heart,



54/75

g.g. butbut ratherrather natural,natural, spontaneousspontaneous andand genuinelygenuinely

cordialcordial exchangeexchange ofof greetings,greetings, asas wewe dodo withwithallall ourour otherother acquaintancesacquaintances.. AnotherAnother wayway of ofsayingsaying thisthis isis:: WhenWhen aa friendshipfriendship isis ended,ended, itit





mustmust lovinglylovingly bebe downgradeddowngraded toto thethe statusstatus ofofaa pleasantpleasant acquaintanceshipacquaintanceship,, andand definitelydefinitely notnottoto ENEMYENEMY statusstatus.. IfIf somesome exex--friendfriend isis anan

enemyenemy now,now, thisthis indicatesindicates grossgross immaturityimmaturity ononeithereither oror bothboth parts,parts, oror thatthat thethe relationshiprelationshipwaswas nevernever fullyfully mutualmutual inin thethe firstfirst placeplace..



55/75

h.h. MostMost peoplepeople inin thisthis morbidmorbid materialmaterial worldworldAREAREGUILTYGUILTY ofof gossipgossip.. However,However, theythey tendtend toto bebe

(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 0909))THE {UGLY} GOSSIP FACTORTHE {UGLY} GOSSIP FACTOR



ONLYONLY whenwhen theythey happenhappen toto findfind themselvesthemselvesthethe wretchedwretched victimvictim ofof it!it! Otherwise,Otherwise, theytheythinkthink itsits justjust interestinginteresting newsnews andand freelyfreely

propagatepropagate it,it, notnot knowingknowing ifif itsits truetrue nornor howhowdamagingdamaging itit maymay bebe..



56/75

h.h.

Therefore,Therefore, inin keepingkeeping withwith thethe gospelgospel ofof DoDountounto othersothers asas you you wouldwould likelike othersothers toto do dountounto you,you, pleaseplease disciplinediscipline youryour tonguetongue withwith

(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 1010))THE {UGLY} GOSSIP FACTORTHE {UGLY} GOSSIP FACTOR



thethe followingfollowing broadbroad DEFINITIONDEFINITION OFOFGOSSIPGOSSIP andand never,never, nevernever indulgeindulge inin suchsuchuglinessugliness.. AlwaysAlways upholduphold justicejustice andand

righteousnessrighteousness andand youyou willwill notnot bringbring sufferingsufferingtoto yourselfyourself oror toto othersothers.. TheThe worldworld willwill bebe aabetterbetter place!place!



57/75

(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 1111))GOSSIP DEFINEDGOSSIP DEFINEDNeitherNeither hearhear,, contemplatecontemplate nornor repeatrepeat

anyany piece of informationpiece of informationabout any other person (especially if that personabout any other person (especially if that person



,,

REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOTREGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOTTHAT INFORMATIONTHAT INFORMATION

IS SUPPOSED TO BE VERIFIED,IS SUPPOSED TO BE VERIFIED,

if it is about a subject or issue thatif it is about a subject or issue thatdoes notdoes not involve youinvolve you directly.directly.



58/75

(confidentiality & trust(confidentiality & trust 1212))GOSSIP DEFINEDGOSSIP DEFINED

Cut the informant offCut the informant offand ask, Excuse me, butand ask, Excuse me, buthow does this concern you or me?how does this concern you or me?

If we are not involved, thenIf we are not involved, then



in y et me not e party to t isin y et me not e party to t is gossipgossip..If you feel concerned about it,If you feel concerned about it,

please go and reveal your mind directlyplease go and reveal your mind directlyto the persons concerned and lay the matter to rest.to the persons concerned and lay the matter to rest.

{ This is a 100%{ This is a 100%--Guaranteed partyGuaranteed party--pooperpooper kills ALL gossip instantly. }kills ALL gossip instantly. }

HOW TO ATTAIN PEACE (1)HOW TO ATTAIN PEACE (1)SKILLSSKILLS


59/75

( )( )

LearnLearn howhow toto findfind PEACEPEACE.. WithoutWithout findingfinding peacepeace internally,internally,oneone cannotcannot resolveresolve anyany conflictconflict withwith othersothers.. (For(For thosethosefamiliarfamiliar withwith thethe BhagavadBhagavad Gita,Gita, itsits PeacePeace SlokasSlokas -- 55..2929,,

22..6666,, 22..7070--7171,, 44..3939,, 55..1212,, 66..1515,, 99..3131,, 1212..1212 && 1818..6262))::

11STST CutCut outout sensesense stimulistimuli thethe bodybody thenthen becomesbecomes still,still,



peace upeace u

22ndnd HowHow toto thenthen stillstill thethe mind?mind? reciterecite mantramantra [manasa[manasatrayatetrayate itiiti mantramantra shortshort repititverepititve spiritualspiritual prayerprayer whichwhichfreesfrees thethe mindmind fromfrom allall thoughtsthoughts andand materialmaterial influence]influence]

33rdrd DeflectDeflect mindmind toto GodGod [His[His Names,Names, Forms,Forms, Qualities,Qualities,Pastimes,Pastimes, EntourageEntourage etcetc..]] && toto thethe higherhigher principlesprinciplesoperatingoperating behindbehind thethe scenesscenes underunder HisHis directiondirection



60/75

( )( )

44thth EgoEgo shouldshould bebe contemplatedcontemplated andandrecognizedrecognized asas thethe sourcesource ofof allall thethe problemsproblemswewe faceface.. ItIt isis bornborn of of ignorance,ignorance, mismis--identifyingidentifying withwith thethe bodybody.. RealReal egoego:: II amam



nothingnothing butbut anan insignificantinsignificant instrumentinstrument ofof thetheLordLord ifif II willwill butbut allowallow HimHim toto guideguide meme..

IfIf 22 soulssouls meetmeet inin thisthis mannermanner toto discussdiscuss ananissue,issue, anyany typetype ofof problem,problem, howeverhowever serious,serious,cancan soonsoon bebe resolvedresolved peacefullypeacefully..



61/75

AnAn ExerciseExercise inin SelfSelf RealizationRealization

WhereWhere doesdoes peacepeace lie?lie?

IsIs itit inin CameronCameron Highlands?Highlands? CanCan youyou imagineimagine feelingfeeling veryvery disturbeddisturbed



eveneven inin aa sereneserene placeplace likelike Camerons?Camerons? HowHow manymany herehere havehave everever experiencedexperienced

feelingfeeling veryvery lonelylonely whilewhile inin thethe midstmidst ofof

aa crowd?crowd?



62/75

AnAn ExerciseExercise inin SelfSelf RealizationRealization HowHow manymany of of usus herehere havehave everever

experiencedexperienced feelingfeeling deepdeep peacepeace inin aa noisynoisy

place?place? WhatWhat doesdoes allall thisthis prove?prove?

H__H__o__o__WW D__D__oo T__T__h__h__E__E__yyH__H__a__a__P__P__p__p__E__E__n__n__??DinaDina--Anukampana DasAnukampana Das

RR ee LL aa TT ii OO nn SS hh IIpp SS

WhereWhere thenthen doesdoes peacepeace lie?lie?AndAnd whatwhat aboutabout happiness?happiness? WhoWho cancan

definedefine that?that? [[44 platformsplatforms ofof consciousnessconsciousness

44 levelslevels ofof realityreality 44 correspondingcorresponding typestypesofof pleasure]pleasure]

HOW OBJECTIVELY HANDLEHOW OBJECTIVELY HANDLE ve EMOTIONSve EMOTIONS


63/75

LearnLearn howhow toto openopen up,up, howhow toto findfind PEACEPEACEwithinwithin yourselfyourself.. LearnLearn toto airair youryourfeelingsfeelings inin privacy,privacy, atat thethe rightright timetime andandplaceplace.. (You(You mustmust selectselect aa qualifiedqualified

SoundinSoundin BoardBoard seesee nextnext slideslide oror



elseelse troubletrouble!)!)..AfterAfter calmingcalming youryour feelings,feelings, learnlearn howhow toto

analyzeanalyze youryour ownown conductconduct withoutwithoutblamingblaming oror hatinghating yourselfyourself.. SeparateSeparateyouryour thoughtsthoughts fromfrom youryour feelingsfeelings..

HOW OBJECTIVELY HANDLEHOW OBJECTIVELY HANDLE ve EMOTIONSve EMOTIONSSKILLSSKILLS


64/75

InIn otherother words,words, KeepKeep youryour THOUGHTSTHOUGHTS andand youryourFEELINGSFEELINGS (good(good oror badbad oror ugly)ugly) separateseparate!!DontDont judgejudge yourself yourself if if youyou acknowledgeacknowledge

harbouringharbouring uglyugly oror nastynasty feelingsfeelings.. AdmitAdmit thesethesefeelingsfeelings exist,exist, thenthen workwork onon themthem laterlater.. (Use(Use thetheALLALL PROBLEMSPROBLEMS CANCAN BE BE SOLVED SOLVED IMMEDIATELYIMMEDIATELY!!



..

RememberRemember:: YouYou HaveHave AA RightRight ToTo FeelFeel AnythingAnythingButBut YouYou DontDont HaveHave A A RightRight ToTo Hurt Hurt OthersOthers (In(InBodyBody OrOr Mind)Mind) OrOr To To Do Do WrongWrong JustJust BecauseBecause YouYouThinkThink YourYour FeelingsFeelings havehave beenbeen hurthurt..

[cf: BG You have a[cf: BG You have arightrightto perform yourto perform yourdutyduty,,but you are notbut you are notentitledentitledto the fruits thereof.]to the fruits thereof.]


65/75

LISTENING SKILLSLISTENING SKILLSSKILLSSKILLS


66/75

How To Be A Good Sounding BoardHow To Be A Good Sounding BoardJudge not, lest ye be judged!Judge not, lest ye be judged!

He must be sworn to confidentialityHe must be sworn to confidentialityHe must not give any advice while you areHe must not give any advice while you are


trying to come to terms wit your owntrying to come to terms wit your ownfeelingsfeelings it can be given later, if or whenit can be given later, if or when

asked for.asked for. i.e. he must know that the speakeri.e. he must know that the speakerhimself is the only important listener, and thathimself is the only important listener, and thathe, the sounding board is merely a catalyst.he, the sounding board is merely a catalyst.Any word spoken prematurely could causeAny word spoken prematurely could cause

great pain or further damage.great pain or further damage.

Interim Measure:Interim Measure:THE NASTY LETTER + 3 DAYSTHE NASTY LETTER + 3 DAYS

SKILLSSKILLS


67/75

THE NASTY LETTER + 3 DAYSTHE NASTY LETTER + 3 DAYS= SOUND MENTAL HEALTH= SOUND MENTAL HEALTH

&&

SPEEDY CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSPEEDY CONFLICT RESOLUTION

FirstFirst drawdraw aa mindmind mapmap ofof allall issuesissues andand factsfactsinvolvedinvolved..


1.1.

feelingsfeelings freelyfreely inin aa personalpersonal letterletter toto thethepersonperson concernedconcerned..

2.2. KeepKeep itit safelysafely inin aa lockedlocked drawerdrawer forfor 33--44

daysdays andand dontdont thinkthink aboutabout itit (on(on thetheprincipleprinciple of of SolveSolve AllAll ProblemsProblemsImmediately)Immediately)


68/75

A N G E R M A N A G E M E N TA N G E R M A N A G E M E N TIF YOU AREIF YOU ARE ANGRYANGRY PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!


69/75

IF YOU AREIF YOU AREANGRYANGRY: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DECIDE (NOW) THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS, YOULL SHUT UP!DECIDE (NOW) THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS, YOULL SHUT UP!

((Dont expect to make that decision after becoming angry!)Dont expect to make that decision after becoming angry!)

1.1. We are the first person to know whenWe are the first person to know when

SKILLSSKILLS


..

flare, breathing changes etc.flare, breathing changes etc.2.2. Ugly truth is, we ALLOW ourselves to getUgly truth is, we ALLOW ourselves to get

angryangry becausebecause we actuallywe actually ENJOY itENJOY it

once we blow the fuse, no rules apply,once we blow the fuse, no rules apply,no need to hold back.no need to hold back.

A N G E R M A N A G E M E N TA N G E R M A N A G E M E N TIF YOU AREIF YOU ARE ANGRYANGRY: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT! SKILLSSKILLS


70/75

IF YOU AREIF YOU AREANGRYANGRY: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!: PLEASE BE INTELLIGENT!++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DECIDE (NOW)DECIDE (NOW) THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS,YOULL SHUT UP!THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS,YOULL SHUT UP!((Dont expect to make that decision after becoming angry!)Dont expect to make that decision after becoming angry!)

3.3. DecideDecide nownow, while cool, while cool--headed: vow toheaded: vow tobe silbe sil ent ever time we detect an erent ever time we detect an er

SKILLSSKILLS


beginning to surge in us.beginning to surge in us.4.4. Shut up. Excuse ourselves humbly. GoShut up. Excuse ourselves humbly. Go

work on it. Let it out somewhere else ifwork on it. Let it out somewhere else if

you have to.you have to.5.5. Be honest with yourself: acknowledgeBe honest with yourself: acknowledge

anger when its there.anger when its there.

A TIP FOR GOODA TIP FOR GOOD

SKILLSSKILLS


71/75

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATIONALL PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVEDALL PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVEDIMMEDIATELYIMMEDIATELY!!

A problem is NOT a problemA problem is NOT a problem

IFIFouou acknowled eacknowled e itit existsexists identifidentif itit ex loreex lore allall ossibleossible


steps/actionsteps/action byby bothboth parties,parties, thenthen dodo allall thatthat isis withinwithinyouryour powerpower (for(for thethe present)present) towardstowards resolvingresolving itit .. .. .. .. ..THENTHEN WAITWAIT forfor thethe otherother partyparty toto act,act, oror TILLTILL ITIT HITSHITS

YOUYOU AGAINAGAIN meanwhile,meanwhile, getget onon withwith youryour lifelife thethe

problemproblem isis alreadyalready solvedsolved [for[for thethe present]present] andand worryingworryingaboutabout itit oror thinkingthinking endlesslyendlessly isis simplysimply unproductive!unproductive!

The ball is now in the other persons courtThe ball is now in the other persons court

ANGER MANAGEMENT (2)ANGER MANAGEMENT (2)SKILLSSKILLS


72/75

( )( )

A PRINCIPLE WORTH REMEMBERINGA PRINCIPLE WORTH REMEMBERING

A problem is not a problem if (a) you acknowledgeA problem is not a problem if (a) you acknowledgeits there; (b) isolate it and identify all elementsits there; (b) isolate it and identify all elementsinvolved; (c) after examining all possible lines ofinvolved; (c) after examining all possible lines of

SKILLSSKILLS


ac on ava a e, o w a ever you are a e oac on ava a e, o w a ever you are a e o

towards solving the problem under the presenttowards solving the problem under the presentcircumstances.circumstances.

In this way, your weakness can become yourIn this way, your weakness can become yourstrength. Its a weak spot only when you dontstrength. Its a weak spot only when you dontidentify it or dont take remedial measures!identify it or dont take remedial measures!



73/75

( )( )GUIDING WORDSGUIDING WORDS

(if you hold on to them now, theyll be very helpful to(if you hold on to them now, theyll be very helpful toclear your mind when your deep in some conflict.)clear your mind when your deep in some conflict.)

1.1. Dont wear your heart on your sleeve or youllDont wear your heart on your sleeve or youllhurt yourself Hide it and open up at the right placehurt yourself Hide it and open up at the right placeand time with the right person.and time with the right person. (& close up again when done.)(& close up again when done.)

SKILLSSKILLS


2.2. Dont ever become a pretenderDont ever become a pretender remember theremember thesaying:saying: Above All Else, To Thine Ownself Be True.Above All Else, To Thine Ownself Be True.

3.3. If youve been hurt by a friend, do be honestIf youve been hurt by a friend, do be honest youyoumust let him know in good time.. if not, themust let him know in good time.. if not, the

relationship will not grow problems in arelationship will not grow problems in arelationship are like mountains that must be crossed,relationship are like mountains that must be crossed,to bring us to a higher plateauto bring us to a higher plateau its natural in theits natural in thegrowth of loving relationships.growth of loving relationships.



74/75

more guiding wordsmore guiding words44.. SometimesSometimes wewe hurthurt ourour belovedbeloved onesones unknowinglyunknowingly..

SometimesSometimes wewe dodo soso knowinglyknowingly oror subconsciouslysubconsciously..

WhyWhy wouldwould wewe wantwant toto dodo that?that? BecauseBecause wewe needneedtoto testtest andand findfind outout ifif theythey stillstill carecare forfor usus:: IfIf theytheydodo care,care, theythey willwill getget hurthurt notnot otherwiseotherwise.. ItIt helpshelps

SKILLSSKILLS


insecuritiesinsecurities atat beingbeing exposedexposed toto potentialpotentialexploitationexploitation oror hurthurt byby thatthat personperson.. (Take(Take carecare notnottoto bebe manipulativemanipulative though!!)though!!)

5.5. LoveLove bringsbrings withwith itit expectationexpectation.. ExpectationExpectation ofof

gentleness,gentleness, ofof reciprocationreciprocation.. DoDo notnot expectexpect anyanyhonourhonour oror reciprocationreciprocation wherewhere mutualmutual relationshiprelationshipdoesdoes notnot existexist

6.6. {Pure{Pure LoveLove existsexists onlyonly withwith GodGod.... SeeSee trnadtrnad apiapi }}

Introspect

Identify AllElements

Acknowledge& Admit Are there any

relationships

S T A R TH E R E

CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN PERSONAL & WORKING RELATIONSHIPSCONFLICT RESOLUTION IN PERSONAL & WORKING RELATIONSHIPS


75/75

Introspect

& Incidentsinvolved

Existence ofProblemAs Early As

Possible

relationshipsinvolved?

Ask Qn. (a)&

Qn. (b)

If YES

If NO, takeremedial

measures

Go let it out

with aloving friend

He must bea sounding board

Thengo

What type?Personal

Or WorkingOr Both?

Deal with

each oneseparatelyDont judgeyourselfor yourfeelings

1st deal withyour emotions,

then ensureyour own

objectivity

Separateyour thoughts

from your

feelings

Use the Solve All Problems

Immediately formula

Write theNasty Letterthen sit tight

one

moretime

Anything

UnderThe carpet!Face it each

time it

comes back

DinaDina--Anukampana DasAnukampana Das RR ee LL aa TT ii OO nn SS hh IIpp SS H__H__o__o__ww D__D__oo T__T__h__h__e__e__yy H__H__a__a__p__p__p__p__e__e__n__n__??

Dina's Conflict Resolution Guide Apr 08 BBSR

Documents

Transcript of Dina's Conflict Resolution Guide Apr 08 BBSR