DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Download this presentation from //bit.ly/1QpU9jl Webinar Emotion...

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Emotion coaching

Dr Tina Rae

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How emotional intelligence develops

Influenced by environment and socialisation including parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and childcare workers.

Some children born with more difficult reactive emotional styles.

These children may need more input from parents/carers to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles


Parenting style

Represents standard strategies that parents use in bringing up their children.

Evolves over time as the children develop their own personalities moving through life's stages.

Is affected by both the parents' and children's temperaments.

Is largely based on the influence of one’s own parents and culture.


3 parenting styles – by Diana Baumrind

1. AUTHORITARIAN

– parents telling their children exactly what to do

2. PERMISSIVE/INDULGENT

– parents allowing their children to do whatever they wish

3. AUTHORITATIVE

– parents providing rules and guidance without being overbearing

4. NEGLIGENT (the fourth style was added lately)

– parents disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests)


What is emotion coaching and why is it important for families?

John Gottman has written a book on Emotion Coaching entitled ‘Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child’ EC is a technique that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening skills.

Develops ‘emotional intelligence’ in young people; term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

Multiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant predictors of a child’s ‘success’ as an adult is their ability to get along with others; more salient than academic achievements/cognitive ability.

Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.

These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and understanding interpersonal communication cues.


Gottman’s theory extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s work with children

Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching parents teach their children strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs.

They don’t object to their children’s display of anger, sadness, or fear.

Nor do they IGNORE them .

Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and use these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.


Emotion coaching is not…

a quick fix

a panacea

a substitute for specific interventions

a therapy (i.e. we can ALL use it and develop our skills)

disapproving or dismissive of emotions.


What informs it?

Neuroscience

Physiology of the physicality

Social constructivism

It directly affects CYP’s capacity to self-regulate through the recognition and management of the physiology of emotional response


Emotion coaching involves:

teaching them ‘in the moment’ about the world of emotion

supporting the development of strategies to deal with ups and downs

accepting ALL emotions as NORMAL

using moments of negative behaviour as opportunities for teaching

building trusting and respectful relationship with CYP.


Five key steps to emotion coaching

1. Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or frustration.

2. View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of negative emotions.

3. Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these emotions.

4. Help child use words to describe what they feel.

5. Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but some behaviours are not.


The teacher as emotional coach

The emotionally literate professional

Transfer of skills

Empathic and nurturing community

Key tools for behaviour management and prevention of difficulties


A three-step approach

1 • Using scripts

2 • Setting limits (if needed)

3 • Problem solving with the child


Step one – using scripts

I can see you get angry when that happens. I would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to feel like that.

Emotion coaching scripts – empathise, validate and label

I can see you get angry when that

happens. I would feel angry if that

happened to me. It’s normal to feel like

that.

I can see that you are frowning and kicking the wall and you’re expressing loads of energy. I would be feeling like that if I didn’t want to do

something.

I noticed you looking round at the others who are working on their projects. I think you might be feeling a bit nervous at the moment that your work might not be

okay. Have I got that right?


Step two – setting limits

Setting limits on behaviour scripts

These are the rules that we all have to follow, doing that is

not okay

We can’t behave like that – even though you are

feeling annoyed – because it’s not

safe

You didn’t put the ball away as we agreed, you’re

probably angry that you can’t play with Billy now because you have to stop

now


Step three – problem solving with the child

Problem solving with the child/young person scripts

This isn’t a safe place to be angry. Let’s go to a safe place and then we

can talk

Next time you’re feeling like this,

what could you do? How do you think

you will react if this happens again?

You need to sit next to Emma or in front

of me – which do you want to do?


Why emotion coaching improves behaviour

1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity, which reduces the need for children to escalate their emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal time to teach children about emotions.

2. If children are emotion coached from an early age they become well-practiced at self-soothing. They are more likely to stay calm, even when they are experiencing strong emotions.

3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of children’s emotions so there are fewer points of conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are more responsive to their requests and feel respected and valued.


Emotion tuning – part of emotion coaching

1. Notice the emotion

2. Clarify with a question

3. Reflect the emotion

4. Locate the emotion in the body

5. Empathise

6. Explore

E.g. Were you scared when you couldn’t find me?

When Michael ignored you how did you feel?

I wonder if you were frustrated when I asked you to share?


Something to think about at the start

Thinking about your own parents or reflecting on conversations with friends.

What are some of the ways people can be dismissive of emotions?

– E.g. Telling you not to worry.


Ways of dismissing emotions

Offer advice

Ask why a child did or said what they did

Tell a child not to worry

Talk only about yourself

Jump straight into problem solving

Take the side of the other person instead of listening to the child’s perspective

Offer distractions


Emotion coaching communication

When you emotion coach you attend to the emotions the child experiences. This involves:

Thinking about how the child is probably feeling Possibly considering a comparable situation for yourself Helping the child put a verbal label on the feeling. You may respond by asking:

– Did that make you feel _____ when ______?

– Were you feeling ______ when _______?

– It sounds like that made you feel _________? You may also respond by reflecting how you would feel in a

similar situation

– That would make me feel ______ too.

– It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens also.


Reflecting feelings statements

It looks like you’re very happy.

You seem a bit sad.

I can see you are very frustrated.

Are you feeling annoyed?

It sounds like you were really scared.

How did you feel when your toy was taken?

I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed?

I bet that made you pretty grumpy.


So, what is emotion coaching?

Empathetic

statements

Name the feeling

Validate the feeling


Can pair comments about negative feelings with positive coping statements

– E.g. “I can see you’re getting really frustrated when the tower keeps falling over but you keep on trying and hopefully it will stay up eventually.”

Avoid asking a child why they are feeling a certain way because they will often have no idea or not have the words to describe the reason


Tantrums

Upstairs tantrum

– Child decides to throw a fit

– Could stop if they wanted to

– Able to control emotions and make decisions

– May look out of control

– Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour

Downstairs tantrum

– No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset

– ‘flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of brain

– Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing

– No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour


Emotion coaching scenarios

You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on Jordan’s picture. Jordan gets angry and hits Braydon.

Harry comes in from playing outside crying and saying that he’s lost his jumper.

Sally suddenly scribbles all over her drawing and says ‘ I can’t draw I’m so stupid’.


Resources

Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne, 2010)

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997)

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011)

Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian Childhood Foundation (2011)


What to look at next from Optimus Education

For non-members

Strategies for identifying and supporting stress in our pupils

Protecting children: engaging the whole school community

Safeguarding essentials for the designated senior person

For members

Promoting pupil wellbeing: implementing circle time

Using positive psychology to boost pupil wellbeing

In-House Training - Managing Self-Harm

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/pupil-safety-and-pastoral-care/strategies-for-identifying-and-supporting-stress-in-our-pupils

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/pupil-safety-and-pastoral-care/strategies-for-identifying-and-supporting-stress-in-our-pupils

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/pupil-safety-and-pastoral-care/protecting-children-engaging-the-whole-school-community

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/pupil-safety-and-pastoral-care/protecting-children-engaging-the-whole-school-community

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/safeguarding/safeguarding-essentials-for-the-designated-senior-person

http://www.optimus-education.com/app/cat/safeguarding/safeguarding-essentials-for-the-designated-senior-person

http://my.optimus-education.com/promoting-pupil-wellbeing-implementing-circle-time



http://my.optimus-education.com/using-positive-psychology-boost-pupil-wellbeing

http://my.optimus-education.com/using-positive-psychology-boost-pupil-wellbeing

http://my.optimus-education.com/training/managing-self-harm

Lead sponsor: In association with:In partnership with:

For more information visit: www.oeconferences.com/PCU16


Thank you for listening


Find more resources at

http://www.optimus-education.com/knowledge-centre/sen-and-safeguarding

Follow us

@SafeguardingOE

Quest ions & Answers

http://www.optimus-education.com/knowledge-centre/sen-and-safeguarding

https://twitter.com/safeguardingoe



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