Developing Developing AssertivenessAssertiveness

                        

               

            

What is this session about?What is this session about?

• Define passive, aggressive, & assertive behaviors

• Assertiveness – important life skill• Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general• Handling criticism/verbal attacks against

your ideas• Role play – group exercise• Summary

3 Categories3 Categories

Passive – do not confront problems & people, dislike ‘rocking the boat’

Aggressive – ignores other people’s feelings, open & direct, not good at taking criticism

Assertive – able to state views/opinions w/o upsetting others, ‘win-win’ situation, proactive

So what exactly does So what exactly does assertivenessassertiveness mean? mean?

It is getting your thoughts across and dealing with a situation in a straightforward manner without harming others.

Why is this important?Why is this important?

• Because it is an essential workplace skill.

• Because genuinely assertive people are better to work with. They establish more effective relationships.

• Technical and professional skills are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

Traits of an Traits of an assertiveassertive person person

• Confident in a relaxed way• Able to openly state views/opinions w/o upsetting

others• Do not ignore problems – looks for ‘win-win

situations’• Proactive – looks for solutions instead of blaming

others• Able to admit mistakes w/o excessive apologizing

The Assertiveness Continuum The Assertiveness Continuum of Behaviorof Behavior

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Self-denying Self-enhancing Self-enhancing at expense of others

Inhibited Expressive Over-expressive

Others choose Choose for self Choose for others

Uncertain, anxious, depreciates self

Confident, feels good about self

Depreciates others

Does not achieve desired goal(s)

May achieve desired goal(s)

Achieves desired goal(s) at expense of others

Handling criticism Handling criticism in generalin general

Passive Response

Assertive Response

Aggressive Response

You simply accept criticism

Maintain self esteem if criticism is true and defuse critic’s anger

You simply attack back

3 3 assertiveassertive techniques to use techniques to use for handling criticismfor handling criticism

1. Fogging – this is useful if there’s some truth to the criticism or attacker is very angry

• Agree with any truth in criticism

“Yes I did come in late last night.”

More More foggingfogging techniques techniques

• Agree with the possibility you could be wrong

“Yes, I might have come in late other nights this month.”

• Agree with attacker’s logic“Yes, I can understand why you think I’m

selfish.”

Last 2 Last 2 foggingfogging techniques techniques

• Accept attacker’s feelings

“I can understand why you are feeling angry with me.”

• Allow for improvement

“Yes, I could get in earlier.”

*By keeping calm, you control the situation.

22ndnd assertiveassertive technique to use technique to usefor handling criticismfor handling criticism

2. Negative assertion – use this if you know for sure you have done something wrong.

If you calmly admit mistake w/o excessive apologizing, both you and attacker can maintain dignity and anger of attacker is defused.

Negative assertion Negative assertion techniquestechniques

• Agree with criticism

“Yes, I do talk too much in class.”

“Yes, I am moody sometimes.”

• Agree with the critic’s values

“Yes, I should have worked harder.”

“Yes, what I said last night was stupid.”

Should I say Should I say I’m sorryI’m sorry??

Yes but only if you really are.

An insincere apology can just

make the situation worse.

33rdrd assertive assertive technique technique to use for handling criticismto use for handling criticism

3. Negative Inquiry – best to use if:

a) You are not sure why you are being criticized

b) You suspect that the criticism is not based on factual evidence

c) You have a strong hunch that critic is trying to manipulate you.

Negative InquiryNegative Inquiry

Critic: “I think you’re really selfish.”You: Hhmm, can you give examples of how and when I’ve acted selfishly?

Critic: “I’m really disappointed at your performance in this project.”You: Oh, can you tell me what I’ve done to disappoint you?

What to do when your ideas get attacked

This is a useful life skill.

Ideas – part of our identity.

Rejection of our ideas – rejection of us.

Technique?Technique?

Try and anticipate their attack and plan ways to allow them to save face.

To allow a person to save face you must find something to agree with in their argument against your idea.

6 6 assertiveassertive sentences to try sentences to try

1. Agreeing in principle: “As a general rule you’re absolutely right …”

2. Agree with part of their argument: “Of course you’re absolutely right that …”

3. Admit it is a reasonable argument: “Yes, what you are saying is very logical …”

6 6 assertiveassertive sentences to try sentences to try

4. Appreciate their feeling: “I can totally understand why you feel that way …”

5. Raise objections as an afterthought: “Yes that seems true … but if …”

6. Show that you have anticipated that attack: “Thank you, I was hoping that someone was going to mention that …” (useful if presenting idea at meetings!)

Sentence to Sentence to watch outwatch out for for

“I don’t want to be rude but …”

- simple warning that person saying it is about to be very rude/aggressive

Let’s do a quick reflection exercise

Write down a circumstance when you have been criticized recently:

a) How did you react? Which approach did you use?

b) What was the effect on both you & your critic when you used that approach?

c) Which assertive strategies could you have used instead?

Role play Role play exerciseexercise

20 minutes

So we’ve gone over:So we’ve gone over:

• Assertiveness test & interpretation of results• Define passive, aggressive, & assertive

behaviors• Assertiveness – important life skill• Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general• Handling criticism/verbal attacks against

your ideas• Role play – group exercise

To conclude: What happens To conclude: What happens when you behave when you behave assertively?assertively?

• You feel more comfortable with yourself

• Your self-esteem improves

• You become more valued and respected

• Your technical & professional abilities are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

Last noteLast note

In most situations we have the choice to be In most situations we have the choice to be passive, , assertive, or , or aggressive..

Being Being assertive is often the best choice. is often the best choice.

Thanks for Thanks for your timeyour time