1

If you experience difficulty with audio using your computer speakers, click on the tab “Communicate” at the top and then choose “Speaker/Microphone Audio Test” from the drop down menu. Test your speaker – your microphone will not work as we have muted allparticipants so that background noise will not be an issue. To use your telephone for audio, click on the “Event Info” tab to access the phone numbers, access code, and your attendee ID # (which is unique to you).

DESPERATELY SEEKING ATTACHMENT: PARENTING TRAUMATIZED AND NEGLECTED CHILDREN

Center for Adoption Support & Education

welcomes you toStrengthening Your Family

an empowering and inspiring webinar series

Presented by: Allison Davis Maxon, M.S., LMFTwww.allisondavismaxon.comNational Center on Adoption & Permanency

All participants will be muted throughout the presentation

© 2018 Center for Adoption Support and Education

How to obtain CEUs(for social workers and other mental health professionals) Download Webinar CEU Request Form on “Handouts”

section of this webinar Fill in requested information Send request to webinars@adoptionsupport.org

You must attend the LIVE webinar event to receive CEUs, we will be verifying this information.

Please allow 3 weeks from the time of your request to receive your certificate.

2

Certificates of Attendance

Please e-mail your request to webinars@adoptionsupport.org

Please allow 3 weeks from the time of your request to receive your certificate.

3

Jockey Being Family®

Jockey Being Family generously funds C.A.S.E.’s monthly Strengthening Your Family webinar series.

Who is Jockey Being Family?Jockey International is a manufacturer, distributor and retailer of underwear and sleepwear for men, women, and children and is active in more than 120 countries. Jockey® created Jockey Being Family, a foundation that helps adoptive families remain strong and stay together-forever because Jockey believes that even one failed adoption is too many. To learn more about Jockey Being Family, please visit www.jockeybeingfamily.com

Jockey International’s C.E.O., Debra Waller, was adopted herself as an infant.

“Jockey Being Family is about bringing people together and it is exhilarating to have impacted the lives of so many families. We set out to strengthen adoptive families but we here at Jockey have also been equally touched by this program, the families, and their stories.”

- Debra S. Waller

With decades of experience, C.A.S.E.’s mission is to strengthen the well-being of children and families of all adoptive experiences by providing them the adoption competent services and resources they need, including:

Pre- and post-adoption counseling, assessment and therapeutic services Individual and group therapy for kids, teens and adults Crisis intervention, support and assistance with school issues Training, education & interactive workshops – for families, educators and professionals Nationally recognized post-adoption models Game specifically designed for adoptive families: 52 Ways to Talk about Adoption Award-winning print publications, articles, newsletters and online resources Developers of Training for Adoption Competency (TAC) and National Training Initiative

(NTI )

www.adoptionsupport.org

Objectives:

Identify Attachment Theory, types of attachment patterns and how a crisis in the attachment relationship is an opportunity for change and healing

Describe how attachment-deflecting behaviors serve as a protective mechanism for a child not rooted in permanency

Identify the key clinical constructs of permanency focused, attachment-based services across Systems of Care

Practice utilizing a ‘developmental lens’ to focus interventions on needs, not pathology

Describe how family systems attachment therapy empowers the family system to become the healing mechanism for the child

Identify the 10 Things Your Child Needs Every Day to feel valued,connected and empowered

Objectives:

Describe how systemic trauma occurs and its impact on the developing child and the family system

Describe 5 attachment deflecting behaviors and 5 attachment facilitating behaviors

Describe Developmental Trauma Disorder as a way of understandingthe complex challenges faced by both children and caregivers.

Understand the difference between ‘traditional parenting’ techniques which utilize loss, punishment and emotional distance in response to negative behaviors vs therapeutic and attachment-based parenting approaches based on principals of addition and teaching consequences.

Understand the role of the professional as secure base to the family systemwith the ultimate goal of strengthening all aspects of the systems functioning

The Foundation:

Attachment Theory, Development & Trauma

Every interpersonal skill that is required in order for usto be successful in creating and sustaining relationships

– must be LEARNED

The Art of Attachment

John Bowlby – The Father of Attachment Theory – Tavistock Clinic

The great integrator! Integrating the fields of ethology, behavioral psychology,psychoanalysis, cognitive psychology and child development – with a passion for the scientific method

“Forty-four Juvenile Thieves: Their Characters and Home-Life” Bowlby, l944

‘the infant enters the world w/ an ‘attachment behavioral system’ that allows the biological system (the infant/child) to seek proximity to the parent when threatened, and also allows for exploration behaviors upon activation of the ‘secure base’

Attachment, Separation and Loss by John BowlbyA Secure Base by John Bowlby

What is the purpose of Attachment?

In the animal kingdom, the primary purpose of Attachment is to provide safety and protection for the vulnerable. The young animal that ‘seeks proximity’ to its caregiver – is more likely to survive.

Attachment – in humans has many secondary purposes

the stimulation of the child’s intellectual potential

the development of the child’s socialization skills

the facilitation of Identity Formation

the development of affect modulation skills

the progressive development of a Conscience (which requires the internalization of the object (attachment figure)

the ability to attend/focus and delay gratification of ID needs

Attachment, Development & the Brain

The parent/caregiver is the external psycho-biologicalregulator of the infant/child’s internal affective states

The two primary tasks are:

Attachment and Brain Development

Experience is the architect of the brain – experiencesshape and reshape the neural circuitry of the brain

Experience-dependent neural sculpting is accomplished through attunement with the right hemisphere of the parent (Schore, 2000)

Caretakers do more than regulate the present psychobiological state of an infant; they activate the growth of the brain through emotional availability and reciprocal interactions (Emde, l988)

The Attachment Pyramid

.Primary Attachment Relationships

Secondary Attachment Relationships

Friendly strangers

‘Primary Attachment Relationships’ are not interchangeable

Child Development

The Building Blocks of Development

The first year of life plays an essential role inlaying the foundation for four essential andrelated human thought and personality traits -

- Causal Thinking

- Conscience Development

- Basic Trust

- Ability to Delay Gratification*Cline and Helding

The Attachment Dilemma

Our children often end up in a constant power struggle with their primary caregivers because . . .

. . . the thing they need most - is also the thing they fear the most.

FEAR will keep me from getting close to you!

‘Helpers’ who both understand and empathize with the uniqueneeds and challenges that adoption built families experience

Adoptive Families in Crisis Need:

Specialized therapeutic support from adoption competent clinicians who utilize a family systems orientation and have a depth of knowledge in adoption, attachment and trauma

They need their peeps! As a non-traditional family; the culture doesnot mirror or meet their needs. To avoid isolation and the typicalpitfalls that can occur when parenting a child/youth with a historyof trauma and disrupted attachments . . . a network of adoptivefamilies who can both mentor and support

Learning a new dance . . .

the complexity of the children/families we serve

utilizing a developmental lens

repairing disrupted attachments

attachment-facilitating behaviors

The Child

Multiple Traumas in Birth Family

ViolencePoverty

Multiple Moves &

Separations

Genetic Issues

Further Traumas Along the

Way

Repairing Disrupted Attachments

Many problems of traumatized children can be understood as efforts to minimize objective threat and to regulate their emotional distress. This is critical for new caregivers to understand – as the child can be ‘viewed’ as oppositional and difficult

Why does it appear that the child provokes and/or elicits the negative in others?

The child has learned to expect distress, hostility, isolation and negativity – the child non-consciously (right hemisphere) scans his environment for cues that support his learned ‘internalized core belief system’ – that he/she is not safe, that caregivers are not responsive/sensitive to his/her needs, and that the world is a scary and dangerous place.

What was once input into the RH (fear, terror, chaos, distress) is now output – as the ‘biological system’ has been wired to be ‘stress reactive/responsive’

Misdiagnoses and Diagnoses – Developmental Trauma Disorder

Developmental Trauma Disorder

Developmental Trauma DisorderA new, rational diagnosIs for children with complex trauma histories -

Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD

Most trauma begins at home; the vast majority of people (80 %) responsible for child maltreatment are children’s own parents

People w/ childhood histories of trauma, abuse and neglect make up almost the entire criminal justice population in the US.

When trauma emanates from within the family, children experience a crisis of loyalty and organize their behavior to survive within

their families (fright/terror with no solution)

What happens when Attachment is Disrupted?

deep sense of loss and grief feelings of abandonment and rejection loss of trust in self and others behavioral regression chronic hyper arousal, anxiety and impulsivity Confusion and poor reality testing Attachment-deflecting behaviors

Oppositional/defiant behaviors Isolation & avoidance Anger & rage Lying, stealing and manipulating

I am bad . . . therefore I act bad!!

Systemic Trauma

being moved from home to home with no preparation or explanation

being forced to establish and then relinquish relationships

being placed with relatives and/or caregivers who are not prepared to help me with my pain, fear and trauma reactions

being promised by caregivers & professionals that I will be safe and well cared for . . . only to have those promises broken again and again

losing most of the relationships that were meaningful to me, sisters/brothers, aunts/uncles, grandparents, neighbors, friends

being stuck in a system within systems . . . so often times NOTHINGgets done . . . and my childhood is slipping away . . .

Current Parenting Strategies

Current parenting styles and interventions used in our culture are based on the child having a ‘secure attachment’ with his/her caregiver –

Attachment Precedes Discipline!

These approaches ‘threaten the attachment’ using Punishment and/or Emotional Distance as a consequence for ‘bad behavior’. These interventions are highly ineffective with children who have suffered neglect, abuse and/or multiple attachment ruptures

Effective Discipline

Discipline, simply put, is the way in which we Pro-Socialize children. There is tremendous cultural variation in regards to disciplining practices around the world

Effective parents realize that while they are teaching, disciplining and guiding their child’s pro-social behavior – they are also impacting their child’s on-going social and emotional development

Inherent in all disciplining practices are two messages that parents send to their child: 1) on the cognitive level - from the words the parent uses, or the consequences that are delivered due re: the child’s misbehavior – the child learns using cause and effect thinking and will adapt his behavior accordingly

And2) on an emotional level – what is the child receiving emotionally from his/her parent - “How many times do I have to tell you not to slam the door?!” - (if the parent is angry, the child may experience fear/distress/anger/shame)

Attachment-facilitating behaviors

primary attachment relationships are NOT interchangeable

buckets don’t fill when I’m stuck in fear/distress and survival mode

I need to know that I am valuable enough for you to stay in my life. I need adults that will commit to staying connected to me (a ring!)

find and accentuate my strengths - because I don’t see them!

I need you to understand that I will easily ‘rupture’ our relationshipbecause I don’t know what permanence feels like (I don’t have roots)

when I ‘rupture’ – you ‘repair’!! I need a lot of practice in orderto learn a new way of dancing (being in the world)

Attachment-Based Parenting

1) Prioritizes the parent/child relationship – nothing is more important than the attachment relationship!

2) Based on principals of ‘addition’ – what is the parent actively teaching?

3) Focuses on the child’s strengths – the parent accentuates the positives (what is the positive vs negative feedback ratio?)

4) Emotional connectedness is used to assist thechild in learning from their mistakes

Attachment-Based Parenting

5) Mistakes are encouraged and welcomed as opportunities to learn

6) Teaching consequences are experiential –children learn from doing

7) Structure in the home is maximized – parents have authority over all privileges, and all privileges are earned via pro-social behaviors (parents are careful not to reward maladaptive behavior)

8) The Parent leads the emotional dance (down-regulating and/or up-stimulating)

Filling Your Child’s Buckets

My words tell you what I want . . .

my affect and behavior tell you what I need!

The Ten Things I Need Every Day

The 10 Things I Need Every Day!

1) Listen with your HEART!

2) I need to know, learn and feel I am VALUABLE!

3) I need TOUCH every day

4) I need to feel SAFE and SECURE every day!

5) I need CHOICES every day!

6) I need to be PLANTED IN PERMANENCY!!

7) I need to PLAY with YOU every day!!

8) I need to be able to make MISTAKES every day!!

9) I need to be taught that I have STRENGTHS!!

10) I need an EMOTIONAL TUTOR to show me the way!!

The Dance of Permanence . . .

the clinical constructs; based on principals of addition (not subtraction/loss/punishment

attachment-based parenting; strength based and parent-led

post adoption supportive services that are family systems oriented and adoption competent

Have we REALLY tried everything?

Are we REALLY thinking outside of the box?

Who’s box are we thinking outside of?

. . . in closing

The heart of a child is a scroll,A page that is lovely and white,

And to it as fleeting years roll,Come hands with a story to write.

Be ever so careful, O hand;Write thou with a sanctified pen;

Thy story shall live in the landFor years, in the doings of men.

It shall echo in the circles of light,Or lead to the death of a soul.

Give here but a message right,For the heart of a child is a scroll.

-Author unknown

Suggested Readings:

The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy by Cozolino

Parenting From the Inside Out by Siegel and Hartzell

The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: AttachmentAnd the Developing Social Brain by Cozolino

Becoming Attached by Robert Karen

The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love & Healing

by Bruce Perry

For Parents/Caregivers:

Parenting From the Inside Out by Siegel and HartzellGhosts from the Nursery: Tracing the Roots of Violence

by Karr-Morse and WileyEmotional Intelligence by GolemanI Love You Rituals by BaileyPlayful Parenting by Chen How To Raise a Child With a High EQ by ShapiroThe Connected Child by Purvis, Cross and Sunshine

READ WITH YOUR CHILD

If I Were The Wind by Lezlie EvansYou Are My I Love You by Maryann CusimanoThe Invisible String by Patrice KarstI Love You Stinky Face by Lisa McCourt

“Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness . . . until it flowers again from within.”

- Galway Kinnell

Thank You

Allison Davis Maxon, M.S., LMFTwww.allisondavismaxon.com(949) 939 9016

How to obtain CEUs(for social workers and other mental health professionals) Download Webinar CEU Request Form on “Handouts”

section of this webinar Fill in requested information Send request to webinars@adoptionsupport.org

You must attend the LIVE webinar event to receive CEUs, we will be verifying this information.

Please allow 3 weeks from the time of your request to receive your certificate.

44

Certificates of Attendance

Please e-mail your request to webinars@adoptionsupport.org

Please allow 3 weeks from the time of your request to receive your certificate.

45

Visit us online to learn more about C.A.S.E.’s monthly live stream “Strengthening Your Family” webinar series: http://adoptionsupport.org/product-type/for-parents-family/

Registration is FREE for the first 400 registrants, thanks to a generous grant from Jockey Being Family. Codes for free registration become available on the last Thursday of each month. Sign up for our C.A.S.E.’s newsletter to receive your codes!

C.A.S.E. offers pre-recorded in-demand webinars on our most requested topics. Visit us online to learn more:http://adoptionsupport.org/product-type/for-parents-family/

THANK YOU! Please take a moment and complete our anonymous survey at the close of this webinar so that we may better meet your needs.

Tell us which topics interest you most to help us plan for future webinars.