The Royal BannerFairview High School Friday, December 10, 2010 1515 Greenbriar Blvd. Boulder, CO 80305Vol. 51 No.5

Guess whose facial hair: No-Shave November

b. c.

e. f.

a.

The pitfalls of homecoming relationships.

Winter sports preview

See Page 5 See Page 10

Through the month of November, students, faculty, and staff participated in the hairy endeavour of No-Shave November. The pictures below feature some of the highlights. Can you name that beard? Answers on page 3.

d.Photos: Stan Whitcomb

Period 4 Periods 3 Periods 1 Periods 2

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday7:35 – 8:55 AM Tutoring time/makeup testing9:00 - 11:00 AM Testing Block #1

11:00 – 11:55 AM Lunch Block

12:00 – 2:00 PM Testing Block #2 Period 6 Periods 5 Periods 7 Periods 8

Finals Schedule:

An A-Z guide to survive Finals Week.

See Page 6,7

Royal BanneRnewsFriday, December 10, 20102

Jenelle Winter (JW): Why did you decide to become a teacher?

Courtney Nicholson (CN): I’ve always loved working with people. I like learning and I enjoy lis-tening to people’s ideas and gaining insight into the way that other people view our world. I’ve worked in several schools in other, less fortunate, countries and those experiences have made me aware of just how much an education can influence a life. Having an education provides us with opportunities and the ability to make choices about the way we live our lives. Being informed and educated gives us power and offers us prospects that we would not have had otherwise. I decided to become a teacher because I believe that education is vital to make positive changes in our lives as well as in our world.

JW: What are you going to miss about Fair-

view?CN: The people! All of the staff members here at

Fairview have been so welcoming and helpful while I was doing my student teaching. I’ve really learned so much from the people I have worked with this

semester and I am so grateful for this experience! I loved getting to know all of the students in our classes and learning more about their interests and their lives. I’ve met some really amazing people this semester that I hope to stay in touch with for a long time to come.

Oh, and my office. I’m going to miss my cute little office.

JW: Since you were a student at Fairview, is it weird coming back and teaching here?

CN: It’s certainly strange to be back and to see kids running down the halls, laughing with friends at their lockers, or performing on the stage and think-ing that I did that exact same thing in that same place... But to be honest, a lot has changed since I went to school here; sometimes it doesn’t even feel like the same place! There are a lot of new faculty members that have come to Fairview in the past few years and the remodel has made much of the school look and feel quite different. As always, it is a great school and I’m so happy to be back here at Fairview.

JW: Would you want to be a full time teach-

er here?CN: Of course, I would love to work here! Fair-

view is a wonderful school with a fantastic staff, and you can’t ask for a better location than Boulder. I’m also still really interested in traveling and do-ing some more teaching abroad, so I’m not sure yet what my next step is going to be…

Q&A with Fairview Student Teacher

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Royal BanneRnews Friday, December 10, 2010 3

St. Jude Heroes, one of the newer clubs at Fairview, strides forward this year hoping to raise funds to help St. Jude Children’s Hospital fight cancer.

St. Jude Hospital is a research hos-pital seeking cures for cancer. When a new cure is discovered, St. Jude Hospital shares the research to hos-pitals around the world. The hospi-tal does not charge families for their treatments.

Lisa Driscoll, senior started St. Jude club at Fairview last school year. “Our primary focus is to raise funds for St. Jude Children’s Hos-pital which is located in Memphis, Tennessee,” said Driscoll.

Driscoll said that her motivation to run St. Jude club is her family. “ Many people in my family have been diagnosed with cancer,” said Driscoll. “I feel that St. Jude is a

wonderful organization to support.”The Team Up event is a major

fundraiser St. Jude club host to raise funds. Team Up event took place on December 3 at Fairview. The event asked Fairview students to write let-ters to friends and families asking for financial support. According to Driscoll, Fairview High School was the first high school in Colorado to have a letter writing campaign for St. Jude Hospital.

Besides the Team Up event, St. Jude club is planning on hosting oth-er fundraisers and events. “We plan on having many bake sales, benefit concerts, and more next semester,” Driscoll commented.

Fairview students can get involved by contacting the club for extra let-ters to write or become a club mem-ber. St. Jude club meets every other Wednesday block lunch in room 854.

St. Jude Heroes club strives to giveBy LEO LEONG

St. Jude Club members Lena Basta and Iris Belenski, juniors, hold a bake sale (STAN

WHITCOMB).

It’s the end of an era for a member of the Fairview community. School resource officer Brian Pedigo is moving on after two years of service at the school.

“All the people and students I met were the best part of working here,” he said. “Except Ron,” he joked, referring to his co-worker Ron Saleem.

He may seem intimidating in his officer clothing and his coffee mug in hand, but most students here like him because of his friendly nature. “He’s a good dude,” said senior Cole Bradley.

Pedigo is changing positions from school officer to “patrolling graveyards.” This means he will be working between nine at night and seven in the morn-ing, the night shift. “Tell your friends to watch out for me,” he said.

The Boulder Police Department is so small that officers rotate duties ev-ery five years, so Pedigo must relieve his duties at Fairview. Someone new will be taking his place at the start of the next school year.

Pedigo hopes to return to Fairview as soon as he can, but that is “not for a couple of years.”

By MIAH YAGER AND VALLY DIKOVITSKAYA

Officer Pedigo evacuating the premises

School resource officer Brian Pedigo has reached the end of his term

(STAN WHITCOMB).

Answers to the “Whose Beard” Competition: a) Alex Bisberg, Senior; b) Paul Strode, Biology teacher; c) Alex Lorentzen, Senior; d) Dan Neidringhaus, History Teacher; e) Pablo Mendieta, Senior; f) Patrick Burke, History teacher.

Royal BanneRop/edFriday, December 10, 20104

Want to Join the PaPer?Take Beginning Journalism to become a reporter! Let’s face it, Fairview, the

GPA is a primary motiva-tor for many students here. This is a problem to discuss another day, but to me, step number one in chang-

ing the school’s focus on GPA is to get rid of

“weighted” grades.I know this sounds cra-

zy for those of you with a highly inflated 4.9999999, but please, just let me explain.

Weighted grades cause people to become more concerned with credit than actual learning. For example, a friend of mine (who shall remain anon-ymous) took all of her unweighted classes online so that their mere 4.0 weight wouldn’t tarnish her perfect 5.0. (And may I point out that we all know the true merits of a BYU online gym class.) What the heck, Fairview? Is this really what we’ve come to? The fierce competition for a lofty GPA is slowly murdering the well-rounded student.

If we really want to enter college as well-prepared scholars, we can’t just take a bunch of weighted class-es and ignore educational electives. We have to ac-

tually learn something besides differential equations, like how to sew, or cook, or use a computer. Un-weighted classes deserve some recognition too.

I’ll admit it, I took Advanced Physics this year just because it was a weighted, non-IB course (couldn’t hurt my GPA, right?), but it’s an attitude like this one that is detrimental to the learning environment of Fairview.

Think about it: if there were no weighted grades, you could take that extra art class. Maybe you really hate standardized tests like the AP and IB exams, so your GPA could afford college-prep Language Arts. The opportunities are endless!

I do realize that kids who take more challenging courses do deserve some kind of reward. Hey IB kids, why not just be satisfied with your advanced knowledge of astrophysics or the college credit you can earn through exams? Why isn’t learning some-thing new and challenging satisfying to us?

In my opinion, weighted grades are the main cause of unnecessary and unhealthy competition among students at Fairview. We shouldn’t judge one another on the weight of our classes, but on the actual knowl-edge we have gained from them.

Emily Sandoval

I can still feel the ring-ing pain in my neck. A response to the sheer arrogance of the fol-lowing statement, I had the worst double-take-induced whiplash of my life.

“Hey, what’s the chemistry homework?

Oh right, you’re in stu-pid science.”

After a few minutes of seeing scarlet, I calmed down. Sure, I had jokingly referred to my regular chemistry class as “stupid science” in front of my ge-nius friends before, but I figured no one actually be-lieved that. Truthfully, I put a lot of blood and sweat into that class, even if it had the dubious “college prep” label.

Frustrated, I hated defending my decision to take a regular science class to my peers and their parents. Why did it matter, anyway?

Then my thoughts turned to the athletes of the school. How could a reasonable high school student put in 15 hours of practice and games each week AND maintain a high grade point average? That life-style decidedly deserved respect.

The beauty of high school lies in the diversity of our choices, and the classes we select are simply an-other component of that vast experience. Weighted grades aren’t the problem; it’s the internal pressure

we place on students and the de facto prejudices among IB, AP, and college prep kids.

Fairview culture, I’ve found, has an often myopic view of success. It’s as if grade point averages are the arbitrary scores posted after an ice-skating per-formance, glossing over the nuances of a routine. I cringe when kids post “35 on the ACT!!! Score!!!” on their Facebook walls and talk about their prospec-tive colleges like old men discussing fine wines.

What we need is a collective attitude adjustment, where the 4.8 student is venerated as equally as the guitar phenom who takes regular history. Where the girl who works five nights a week is considered just as responsible as the boy who took five advanced sci-ence classes. Where the guy who has ADHD has the same capacity for success as the kid who gets a 5 on his AP Literature test.

In a town as unique as Boulder, undoubtedly the hue of values will vary from person to person. Some will devote hours to keep up with a heavy course load; others will make movies or perfect their jumpshot. Thankfully, I truly believe Fairview supports arts, ac-ademics, athletics, and volunteerism with equal zeal. And I believe students are mature enough to make choices--even sacrifices-- for themselves.

I love being a spectator of any Fairview event, watching the stereotypes evaporate from the audi-ence. A spectacular soccer goal is simply spectacular. A sweet jazz lick is simply sweet.

No G.P.A. could ever measure that.

Lindsay Sandoval

A plea for the abolition of weighted grades

Weighted grades aren’t the problem

Point/Counterpoint:Should we keep weighted grades?

the royal Banner

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Letters to the Editor: The Royal Banner encourages reader re-

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Royal BanneRop/ed Friday, December 10, 2010 5

You are, of course, familiar with the concept of LARPing--or, at least you think you are. LARPing is when geeks get to-gether, wear crappy costumes and hit each other with fake swords, right? Right?

WRONG.Dead bloody wrong,

as a matter of fact. About as wrong as it is possible to be. The spectacle that has been put on at the so called Olympiad for the past sev-eral years is about as far away from LARPing as it is possible to be while still successfully besmirching the reputations of those who participate in the real thing.

Let me include a quick disclaimer that all those who organized or participated in the LARPing event are undoubtedly wonderful individuals and committed this atrocity against actual LARPers accidentally. All insults are directed at the event itself.

First off: the Olympiad event defies the fundamental nature of LARPing. Many people know that LARPing stands for Live Action Role Playing, but very few con-sider what that means. Let me run that past you one more time: live action role playing.

Does something there seem a bit out of place?The fact of the matter is that the Olympiad LARP-

ing event completely ignores the second half of the ac-ronym itself. Presumably the participants are alive, and they’re certainly engaging of action of some variety, but any and all traces of role playing are conspicuously ab-sent.

LARPing is about storytelling! It’s about creating a character and developing it to the point where it be-comes a person in and of itself! Hell, it’s really more an improv acting drill than a game, when it boils down to it. None of this whatsoever was present at the event, replaced with a total focus on the sword fighting aspect of the game--an aspect that is not even present in a large number of LARPs.

Not to say that the event even got the sword fighting right. Again, this isn’t precisely the fault of the partic-ipants--no one could fight decently with weapons that I can state for a fact have been sold at the dollar store down the street from Fairview.

LARPers take pride in the skill and style that goes into sword fighting. Winning takes a secondary seat to finesse--there’s no point in winning a fight in a LARP if you don’t make it look good.

The Olympiad did not make it look good. It didn’t even make it look like a fight. It looked like a bunch of kids who had never even seen a real fight before beat-ing each other about the head with foam sticks.

What’s the point of laying out the rules of the game if you don’t even make a cursory attempt to follow them? To say that any particular team won the event is laughable. The participants flailed at each other un-til the judges arbitrarily declared one team the winner. Calling it a competition is a misuse of the word.

Events like this make it clear that the stigma that LARPers suffer is in no way due to our own doing. The myth of the pimply teenager shouting ‘lightning bolt!’ at his friends while flailing his arms is a construct as-signed to us by a society that did not even bother ask-ing what our practices were really about.

Look at real LARPers, and then look at the belittling staged youtube skits and faux-LARPing events like the one featured in the Olympiad. Then ask yourself: which culture is really the pathetic one? fnord

[/nerdrage]

The mind of an unrepentant geek

Tristan Hill

A LARP only in the loosest sense

In general, the holiday season between Thanks-giving and Christ-mas is a time for us to stuff our faces, spend time with family, and selfishly

demand gifts that we don’t

have the money to purchase ourselves. This season is also the make or break of the seemingly solid relation-ships formed in the weeks immediately follow-ing homecoming. As we roll through December, those relationships are cru-cially evaluated and few make it through the rough trials and tribulations brought forth in the high school realms. As teenag-ers, we are emotional, hormonal, greedy, and lust driven. Unfortu-nately, these are not the characteristics of a suc-cessful duo, but instead the undermining factors of broken hearts and hurt emotions

As humans, we are desperate for companion-ship, relying on the foundation or “social norm” we believe in that there is indeed someone out there to spend our lives with. The missing part of this rule is that finding a soul mate is not a task often accomplished in high school. The cor-rect approach is to develop those skills that re-sult in a successful acquisition of a mate later in life. Instead, we desperately cling to the first per-son we find that has seemingly serious interest in us, hoping that it will lead to the promise land of happiness the social norm seemingly guaranteed us as young children.

Instead, these rapidly formed post-homecom-ing relationships lead to problems. Bonds made in such a fury create a direct path to emotional pains, psychological problems, drugs, alcohol, lower grades and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, the normal post-homecoming relationship may

end in simple heart break, but it can be a slip-pery slope when it comes to inexperienced high schoolers caught in the midst of confused love and feelings.

In high school, dances and “get togethers” can cruelly pair people together only to sick-ly toy with their emotions when reality tears them apart. December, more or less Thanksgiv-ing break though finals, becomes the month of evaluation, as lust filled boys try to move the relationship to the “next level” and girls rely on the mostly false hope that boys legitimately care about their infinite amount of feelings. Then the trail of rumors, tears, and lost friendships takes its toll. Sure, some couples decide that they do

indeed “care” about one another, and the mutual agreement of spending time together outside of school contin-ues. Other couples tear the landscape apart, as long time friends turned

couples tear apart each other in hopes to regain any lost self confidence.

In high school, girls are absolutely crazy, com-plete with more emotions than any boy could ever handle. Boys, on the other hand, are jerks, being selfish and greedy in the pursuit of sex. The proper process involves a girl that sees the nice side of a jerk and a boy that sees the sane side of the crazy girl. Homecoming doesn’t re-spect that process. Instead it throws together hormone driven teenagers in a hot and sweaty dance and tries to create couples.

In a sad and bitter conclusion, the sick mind of high school uses dances to pair infinite amounts of people together, and uses the real world to tear them apart. As we move into December, I urge you to take notice of your friends and their homecoming date turned girlfriend. Observe them, carefully and cautiously, and try not to grin as you see reality takes its toll and create heartbreak and despair among your colleagues.

Kevin Waida

The tidal wave of new found relationships simmers down as we head into December

Triple EntendreBy Stan Whitcomb

Homecoming High:

“The sick mind of high school uses dances to pair people to-gether, and uses the real world to tear them apart.”

Royal BanneRFriday, December 10, 20106 Royal BanneR

Friday, December 10, 2010 7FeaturesBy M

egan DeBruyn

Survival Guide for a Relaxing Finals Week

Color Frosty in an original way! Submit your drawing to Room 814 by January 19 to win a special prize!

Wickham’s Advice:

1. Do and study thor-oughly the review sheet for the class2. Reread all notes3. Look over all home-works and make sure that you can still work the problems

As we remember stumbling out of

bed last year at 8 am for finals

instead of 6:30 for school, we asked ourselves

, “what

should we wear to promote success on our fin

als?” We

understand the desire to dress in

a more relaxed manner;

however, we want to dress fulfilling a happy mediu

m, look-

ing good and ready to ace those e

xams. Honestly, we do

not think finals are the time to add

ress this balance. First

and foremost wear clothes that will not be distract

ing

to yourself. Dress in a way that you will be comfortable

and work your best. Our only advice is to

dress in many

layers so if it is cold you are prepa

red to stay warm and

if it is too hot you can take off

a few layers to cool

down. Being distracted by something

so little like being

uncomfortable due to the weather has a grea

t affect on

how focused one will be. So ladies snuggle up in those

Uggs

and sweat pants and make sure to dress

in many layers

on top. Men wear comfy sweats with your favorite hoodie

with layers under obviously. The last

thing on your mind

should be your fashion this week. Just rememb

er you had

a full semester to impress your p

eers, now is the time

to crack the whip and focus all your attention t

owards

these final assessments.

Want Moore Kruger? Layers for

“A-ers”?

When you look at all the pictures and trophies on the

bricks, What do you see?Do you see the major hours they accomplished ? or

Do you see yourself portraying the history in Fairview in

any field? I know that creating your future is a challenge

with a bunch of a obligations to handle, but underneath

all that is your self and finding what you want to be.

To clarify, everything in your life and what you are do-

ing to your self to be successful is affecting your abilities

to achieve everything that your ever wanted.

I talked to people around the school to try to find an-

swers that summarize stress in the student body that’s

out there and to support the people that really need

acknowledgment right now. And here is some advice and

the fun things that some classmates do:

I know a lot people in this school are always on Face-

book, but it can affect poorly on school work. It may be

a bad choice to update your Facebook during your 1st

hour class, so be careful teachers it may take a while for

your students to listen to you.

I may know that most people worry about prioritizing

because it’s tough to be organized in all of your classes,

but the best thing to do is to reward yourself

with things that you may like, TV or food or

more creative things to do. (This may be for

teachers too if it gets crazy.) For some people they might do it differently.

They may do some homework in classes where

they don’t have to pay attention so they might

refrain of taking homework to home to do. So

teachers if some one is like this then talk to them

or their parents about it. So as weeks go on by, you have to realize that not

only stress is number one in high school or in col-

lege but the best thing to do is to have wonderful

friends and amazing family to let you know that

having a passion is everything that you ever want-

ed. For seniors who are applying to colleges, you

have to take one step at a time to listen to your gut

and find yourself again. For teachers who are out

there, you have to realize that your students care

about you even you are screaming at your students

when they don’t do their work, and try to find

those moments when you feel happy. For juniors,

sophomores, and freshmen, not only homework is

really hard, but your dedication to your passions

is your number one thing to do in high school no

matter where you are.

Unlock the stress

that’s overwhelming you

BY MIAH YAGER

Zerwin’s Advi

ce:

Trust that y

ou probably k

now

more than you

think you d

o

and relax. Re

view your no

tes,

pay attention

to what you

r

teachers hav

e told you ab

out

the exam, form a stu

dy group

and talk with

your class-

mates about th

e material, and

be sure to ge

t a good nigh

t’s

sleep! Oh, an

d eat oatmeal for

breakfast.

Aries (March 21-April 19): The moon is in the seventh house! Age of Aquarius, here you come!

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your health would benefit from making your new year’s resolution

a few months early. Get jogging!Gemini (May 21-June 21): Guess what! You can’t just BS your way through finals. Seri-

ously, start studying already!Cancer (June 22-July 22): Don’t worry, Cancer. Your mom will forgive you for not buying

her a Mercedes-Benz this holiday season. Try a cheaper gift, like a new KIA Sorento.

Leo (July 23-August 22): This December is your lucky month! You’ll succeed at anything, but

leave parkour to the professionals.Virgo (August 23-September 22): Hey, you! Stop running your runny nose over your sleeve.

Everyone knows you do it. And the stains are gross.

Libra (September 23-October 22): As it turns out, your grandma visiting from out of town

doesn’t want to hear about your math class issues. Give her some news she could use.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): A good study habit is NOT, as it turns out, sleeping on

your textbook. Despite popular belief, the knowledge doesn’t just transfer through physical

contact.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): It’s time to turn over a new leaf. For your birthday,

paint over those pink walls in your room and find your high-school-age self! Kindergarten is

over.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): If you’re looking for study music, Ke$ha is not a good

place to start. And don’t try that F**k You song, either - it’ll be stuck in your head all

week.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Treat yourself to a nice, pre-finals bean burrito! Oh wait...

Pisces (February 19-March 20): A wise man once said, “You know I’m bad, I’m bad. You know

it, you know.” Take Mr. Jackson to heart and do something “bad” over winter break. But

get your mind out of the gutter.

Finals Horoscopes Artemis Wysteria

Paa Rogers’ Advice:

“Use those study guides! If your teacher gives you a study guide make fl ash cards and write out sample essay questions. Time spent up front studying will re-lieve stress as the test day approaches. It feels great to absolutely nail a final be-cause you were prepared!!!”

Coloring Contest!

Top 10 Studying TipsBY MEGAN MOORE1. Eat Breakfast, no excuses. Not only on the days of your fi-nals, but especially the weekend before. With a meal in your stomach, your studying will be most efficient.2. If you are a visual person make diagrams of your notes, if you a kinetic learner ask your teachers about hands-on ac-tivities or tutorials, and if you are an auditory learner repeat your notes aloud. (Just because your teacher taught it one way does not mean you can’t review it in another way.)3. Yes, it is Friday. Suck it up and go home. The more you

study early on the more pleasant Sunday will be for you.4. Only drink caffeine if you are used to it, if not it can dam-age your performance during finals.5. Take breaks between study sessions even if you feel be-hind. The efficiency of your studies will be at their highest if you study in bursts.

6. Set goals. For instance, “I want to finish studying for my math final by seven p.m.” Then when it gets close to seven you will be motivated to finish your studying strong.

7. Even if your most important finals are not until Wednesday or Thursday, start studying over the weekend. Just review over your notes generally so that come Tuesday or Wednesday night you can still begin to remember your notes from September.8. During the one hour lunch, relax. If you study for

your next final you will just fry your brain and lose your concentration.9. Sleep: an hour of sleep is worth more than an hour of studying.

10. Study in groups; however, make sure the group members are as dedicated to studying as you are. Make sure to supplement this with individual study-ing also.

A+

Dear Aunt

Moophie,

My m

om every y

ear always

makes me s

it on Santa

’s lap... I fe

el re-

ally awkward, e

specially sin

ce the oth

er

kids are 5-

6 years yo

unger than

I am.

Plus, I always h

ave the fe

eling the S

an-

ta is prett

y creepy. H

ow do I avoid

my

mother who won’t l

et me grow

up?

Sincerely,

Sick of “rein

deer games”

Dear Hoofed Creature,

It is a widely known fact that mall Santas were never loved as children,

and neither are you. Your mother is a brutal woman who drinks the sweet, delec-

table tears of babies. That being said, if I were put in this pickle, I

would appeal

to the second highest authority I know, the United States Coast Guard. They can

relocate you to a positively charming little island (in less than an hour to boot) o

ff

the coast of Mexico where you can live peacefully with other refugees, monkeys,

and drug lords. Who are just sharpest young men you ever have met. However,

if your mom is continually tapping your phone calls or monitoring your Internet

activity, I know many a good young Betsey who has escaped on a log raft down the

Missuhsippeh like little Tom Sawyer. The litt

le rapscallion in you may enjoy

partaking in some skulduggery and making your mother pay for the humiliation,

pain and years of therapy you will no doubt experience.

Your favorite,

Aunt Moophie

Royal BanneRFriday, December 10, 20108 enteRtainment

What’s worse than a reality show about the life of Sarah Palin? How about a reality show about the life of Sarah Palin narrated by Sarah Palin? “Sarah

Palin’s Alaska” is just that, and it turns an

average hour of televi-sion into an excruciating test of mental perse-verance.

The show’s name itself is deceitful, as very little of the program actually revolves around the state of Alaska. More appropriate would be “Sarah Palin’s Boring Family,” “Sarah Palin Makes Things Up,” or “Sarah Palin Wastes Your Time.”

In essence, the show is a weekly hour long in-fomercial for Palin. So far the runaway governor has gone fishin’, huntin’, and many other things exclusive to Alaska. Along the way she throws out her asinine catchphrases that slightly relate to nature. When she’s skeet shooting with Bris-tol she tells her daughter “don’t retreat, reload” (where you would retreat to in skeet shooting is beyond me). When she paddles past a grizzly bear and cubs she pounces on the opportunity to ponder what the role of a “mama grizzly” is. Unfortunately, the grizzly bear she spots is bail-ing its children out of trouble, so the analogy fails to suit Palin’s purposes. I suppose in Sarah Palin’s Alaska, everything suits her purposes.

Palin’s aim for this show is unclear. Half of it feels like a misguided nature tour lead by the national park ranger who just transferred from Newark, the other is an uncomfortable and voyeuristic look into the Palin family. This sec-ond half is what makes the show so bizarre and unwatchable. Palin assumes that the viewer is deeply invested in the trivial ongoings of her family. When she’s not pretending she’s a natu-ralist, she’s poking into her daughters’ rooms and checking up on her wordless husband, who I like to call silent Todd. In one of the most un-comfortable moments I’ve ever had watching television, Palin scolds her 16-year-old daugh-ter for having a boy in her room on national television.

The show is almost as unbearable as the woman herself. After watching Sarah Palin argue with her children and shoot things, I know little more about Alaska than I would if I huffed paint in a shed outside of Anchorage. Sarah Palin’s Alaska isn’t infotainment, because it’s neither of the two things that make up that ridiculous word.

Yet in spite of all the things that this show has going against it, a plethora of viewers have flocked to invest in it. The show’s premier had a viewership of 5 million, breaking a record for TLC and coming in higher than the finale of Mad Men.

I’m fine with this woman ruining the coun-try, but does she have to ruin television as well? Her corny brand of folksy non-wisdom perme-ates Sarah Palin’s Alaska like cheap perfume, making it an overall nauseating experience. TLC, a channel built on a foundation of midg-ets and cake, should be even more ashamed of itself.

Boonin-Vailable for Comment

Eli Boonin-Vail

Sarah Palin vs. Reality

I offered to write a song review. I thought it would be fun. The entertainment editor assigned Cee Lo’s “F**k You” and my first thought was, “really? There’s a song with that title? This should be interesting.”

Here’s how the song starts: “I see you driving ‘round town / with the girl I love and I’m like, F**k you! Ooo, ooo, ooo.” As you might expect an Eng-lish teacher to do, I immediately tried to figure out who the characters were. The lyrics are in the first person--but does the speaker equal the author here? Is this song coming straight from Cee Lo himself or has he created some other character to deliver these lyrics? Then I wondered who the “you” is--apparent-ly someone driving around with the girl the speaker loves angering the speaker enough that he throws an obscenity at the person driving the car. What has happened? Why is the speaker so angry? But then things get a little muddy a few lines later with “I said, if I was richer, I’d still be with ya”--assuming the sec-ond person “ya” now refers to the girl who refused the speaker due to the lack of actual money (and not just change) in the speaker’s pocket. Why the shift here? To whom is the song actually addressed?

Okay, this is perhaps getting a bit too Eng-lish teacher-y. My initial review of the lyrics revealed that the song essentially calls out a girl as a gold dig-ger and heart breaker. The speaker loves her even

though she refuses him for his lack of funds. It’s not a terribly original story, and with “oh s**t she’s a gold digger,” the lyrics do make a direct allusion to that other song essentially about the same situation.

But Cee Lo is not Kanye. Kanye’s intensity and simmering anger color “Gold Digger.” (Does he ever smile?) Cee Lo does not take himself so seri-ously. “F**k You” starts with pure happy Motown. It’s the piano and tambourine, the chorus, the electric organ, the infectious energy and rhythm of the song. The chorus is horribly catchy, but I don’t want “and I’m like F**k you and F**k her too” stuck in my head--so I found a “clean” version-- “Forget you” (now on repeat in my head).

I’m not necessarily opposed to strong lan-guage when it’s the only way to communicate the truth of a situation. My favorite author, Toni Mor-rison, uses strong language to great effect in many of her works. But I’m sorry, Cee Lo, the potty language just isn’t necessary here. With great lines like “I guess he’s an xbox and I’m more atari,” why sully the song with an obscenity that is repeated over and over and over again since it’s central in the chorus? The song is witty and clever and achieves a bit of human truth through its comedy. And this is all still there without that four-letter word.

Cee-Lo Green has a potty mouthAn English Teacher takes on modern musicZtUnEs

“The Walking Dead” staggers onto the spotlightIf you love blood, gore

and zombie apocalypse, then you have to check out the new hit television show, “The Walking Dead.” It first aired on Octo-ber 31st, 2010 with an hour and a half premiere. The Walking Dead has received great reviews from sourc-es like Time Magazine and the New York Times, and it recently landed the front page of Entertainment Weekly with the headline “The Best New Show On Television”. On Nov. 12th, ratings showed that one out of every 30 Americans were watching the show live. Many more of the people who missed it logged onto Hulu to watch it. The show airs on AMC (Channel 64) at 8:00 p.m. MST on Sunday’s.

The hit television show is based off of a comic book series of the same name. The graphic novels started in 2003, portraying a post-apocalyptic story about the only survivors who hadn’t been infected with the virus. The virus is a plague that has infected people to become cannibalistic and eat the liv-ing. Viewers meet the main Character Rick Grimes, a small town police officer who bands together with his family and a small group of people outside of Atlanta to stay alive and search for other survivors.

Rick, who got shot during a police operation six months prior to the outbreak, wakes up in alone in an abandoned hospital. During his hospitalization, a virus that turned the living into flesh-eating zombies destroyed civilization. After waking up, Rick must

battle with the perils of the zombified post-apoca-lyptic world, encountering, friends, enemies, and of course, many zombies.

“The Walking Dead” has been very controversial for its high concentration of gore. In fact, many say its splattering violence is enough of a reason for the FCC to cancel it. In one of its most recent episodes, a woman takes a pick axe to her abusive husband’s head after he has been attacked by a zombie.

Compared to many zombie movies, “The Walking Dead” is vastly different. Be-cause it is a series, the shows almost always end on cliff-hangers, as opposed to the movies which almost always end in tragic disaster. In ad-dition, the show is far more gory than your average “The Night of the Living Dead” or “Dawn of the Dead.”

This unique take on the genre is mostly due to the show’s astounding produc-tion. Developed by “Shaw-shank Redemption” director Frank Darabont, the show has enough inventive tech-nique and storytelling to keep viewers continuously

intrigued. The show also benefits from being both written and produced by the same person. Robert Kirkman, the writer for the comics and the show, has been involved in production both in writing and shooting from the start.

The show recently landed a contract to continue on the AMC network for a second season, thanks to the ratings and viewers it has received. As more and more episodes air, more and more viewers watch.

The cast of AMC’s breakout show “The Walk-

ing Dead” (WIKIMEDIA COMMONS).

By BRETT MATISSEN

With Doctor Zerwin

Royal BanneRenteRtainment Friday, December 10, 2010 9

There are so many awesome shows on FX it’s hard to know where to start. On the comedy end of the spectrum, you have Comedian Louis CK’s brilliant show “Louie”, the completely hilari-ous “Archer”, and the always lewd “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. On the

darker side are the massively successful “Sons Of Anarchy” and the best law enforcement show on television, “Justified”. In between the two is the aston-ishing (yet soon to be canceled) neo-noir comedy-drama “Terriers”, possibly the best new show on television. There is no downside to watching this chan-nel.

The Colombia Broadcasting System touts itself as being “America’s most watched network”, but this is only true because it has rights to 4-6 elite NFL games that bring in viewers in hoards. This channel offers absolutely nothing in terms of its original programming. Their crime scene investigation shows have grown stale and after that there is nothing worth mentioning. They are ruining that hilarious tweets of “s*** my dad says”, by making it into a series, showing that they have absolutely run out of ideas. It is safe to say that CBS offers the worst programming out of the three major networks.

ABC Family targets one specific demograph-ic with their programming - hormonally chal-lenged women. Teenage girls can feast on the drama provided by the television-destroying “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” and menopausal women can enjoy the antics of Melissa Burke and the male nanny she has hired for her children (really?), in the gag-worthy drama “Me-lissa and Joey”. The hormones cover what ABC’s relentless promotional cam-paigns can’t - the shows just aren’t that good.

Television is a scary scary place. Terrible shows and even worse news

can turn a wonderful experience into a terrifying nightmare. Luck-

ily, you can avoid said nightmares by navigating channels smartly.

This graph is here to help you do just that. Bad TelevisionGood Television

While non stop re-runs of “The Office” and “Sein-feld” are admittedly awesome, this channel does provide a home for the unbearable “Lopez Tonight”, which is an absolute television sin. Their original programming is where all comedy goes to die. Im-pressionist Frank Caliendo suffered a lonely death there, and so will Conan O’Brian in the next two years.

This is a channel that thrives off of train-wrecks such as The Gosselin family, Sarah Palin, or crazed cake-makers. While watching shows such as “Obese and Pregnant” is, admittedly, entertaining, it’s ex-ploiting people’s problems, and making money off of them.

If Fox News is bad, than so is MSNBC, and for all the same reasons. These left-leaning liber-als, led by former Sports Center anchor Keith Olberman, are perfectly adept at identifying problems in America, but they find very few so-lutions to these problems.

There is nothing wrong with being biased, but when you claim that you are unbiased and all your programs and correspondents are right wing nut jobs, than you’re just lying to yourself and the American people. Also, why is Glenn Beck yelling about $11 corn husks and wearing wonder bread bags on his feet?

National Broadcasting Company is the only major television network that still deserves to be around. While its news passes for information, it’s the chan-nel’s comedies that make it worth watching. Young shows like “Community” and “Parenthood” mean that the channel still has a future, while old-timers like “The Office” are still worth tuning into. Perhaps the best thing about NBC is that it’s self-deprecating enough to put out “30 Rock”, a show that constantly mocks NBC. Points deducted for the “The Tonight Show” still being hosted by Jay Leno.

How could a channel that housed “Monk” for eight seasons possibly go wrong? USA deliv-ers the most consistently good original televi-sion of any cable channel. From thrilling shows like “Burn Notice” and “White Collar” to the all-out laugh riot “Psych,” this channel is almost entirely reliable when nothing else is on. The downsides: they inexplicably run WWE occasionally, which is unfortunate. Also, you’re probably going to want to be an “NCIS” fan, just trust us.

“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” alone makes this channel worth applaud-ing, but it has so much more to offer. “South Park”, “Ugly Americans”, and “Futurama” add to Comedy Central’s impressive repertoire, and the channel’s choice of standup comedians can be sur-prisingly diverse. However, since it’s in-ception in 1989, the channel has yet to air a good movie. Be warned.

“Breaking Bad” is the single great-est television drama of this gen-eration and possibly all others. Unless you think it’s “Mad Men”, which is also on AMC.

By ELI BOONIN-VAIL By MATT SPARKMAN

Logos provided by WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Royal BanneRSpoRtSFriday, December 10, 201010

In 2008, the Fairview boys basketball team went to the state semi-finals and lost a heartbreaker to George Washington. In 2009, the team went to the state finals and lost to a hated Regis squad. What surprises does Frank Lee have up his sleeve for this Fairview team?

The absence of returning starters never hinders the spirits of Fair-view’s finest team. Last year, the Knights had only two returning players, and this year is no different. Fairview brings back only two players with experience, so Frank Lee has plenty of coaching in front of him. “We tell our players, ‘fair, friendly, and firm.’ That’s our philosophy,” said Lee.

Craig Saltarelli and Shane O’Neill aim to lead this explosive of-fensive attack, out-running opponents and dominating through hustle.

Seniors Keegan Lamar, Bryce Dolan, Brandon Boyle, Josh Hill,

Nick Vincent, Stephen Fung-A-Fat, Thomas Grant, and Christopher Cartwright all have little to no varsity experience. Nonetheless, each strive to represent the storied program.

The team also features a hearty crop of Juniors -- including O’Neill, Alec Pronk, Gibson Farone-Collins and Jacob Lorentzen-- that will definitely bring a unique skill set to the table. “We coach every year the same way. We never assume that knowledge is known,” commented assistant coach Michael Morse.

The Denver Post ranked the rival Boulder Panthers ninth in the state, and the Fairview boys failed to make the cut. Hardly anyone is certain of what lies ahead of this team, but the boys are confident

heading into the season. “You’ll never know until you try,” said Lee.As of Monday night, the Knights are 2-0 on the season with wins

at Thunderridge and at home, against Bear Creek.

O’Neill, Saltarelli look to lead Knights deep into state tournament

By RYAN PATTERSON

Girls open basketball season

Last season, the girls’ basketball team had its best season in recent years and finished in the sweet sixteen with an overall record of 20-6.

This year, the team features five returning varsity members including seniors Caitlin Higgins, Carlee Lough, Kristen Narum, Nina Ball, and Issi Funke.

“We have some really good leader-ship,” said the head coach, Rod Beau-champ.

Sophomore Georgina Ryder, a cen-ter who is over six feet tall will bring needed size to the team.

“She’s the tallest we’ve had in years,” said Beauchamp. “I expect her to con-tribute.”

Unfortunately, she will begin the

season with a broken wrist, but is ex-pected to be ready for league play.

This weekend, the squad will com-pete to defend their title of the an-nual Fairview Festival. Last year, they handed Broomfield their first loss in 75 straight games. The festival field is tough again, with Broomfield, Arvada West and defending state champ Den-ver East in the bracket.

“We have a lot of potential this year,” said senior Rori Flanagan. “And if we live up to this potential we’ll go far.”

As of Monday, the Knights are 0-1, with a loss at Longmont. Junior for-ward Hannah Hyde paced the team in scoring with 14 points.

By EMILY SANDOVAL & JUSTIN SONG

With nine varsity spots to fill the Knight’s varsity wrestling squad, Coach Jim Lefebvre is excited to see aspiring varsity wrestlers step up and contribute to the program.

Despite the holes to fill, Lefebvre returns three state qualifiers, seniors Josh Gregory, Michael Chavez, and Chris Chavez. Gregory, who is home schooled, has fully recovered from a torn muscle in his shoulder and is ranked in the top five in his weight class. Michael and Chris will look to make their second and third trip, re-spectively, to the Pepsi Center.

Other returning starters include se-niors Tyler Ollanik and John Sims and sophomore Maddy Lignell. Ollanik was out most of the last season be-cause of an ankle injury, but Ollanik is back in the lineup healthy.

The squad also consists of the best freshmen Coach Lefebvre has ever seen, and one has already claimed a varsity spot. Eddie Chavez will an-chor the 125 pound spot.

The team hopes to continue their recent success against Boulder and capture a fourth straight city champi-onship. Also, the Knights look to win all thirteen of their dual matches and double the amount of state qualifiers they had last year.

Awrestling Development

By JUSTIN SONG & ALEC PRONK

Fairview may not have a pool, but it does have an impressive girls swim team. Just down the road at South Boulder Rec-reation Center are daily practices that test the limits of Fairview’s water lovers. Lead-ing the charge this year are potential All-Americans Caroline Patterson, senior, and Kourtney Fosse, junior, with Abbie Houck and Lacey Smith, both sophomores, not far behind. Patterson is simply dominant, excelling in the 100 yd. backstroke. Smith and Houck both swim freestyle, with Lac-ey competing in the 100 yd. competitions and Houck going hard for a solid 200 yds. Fosse swims in one of the most competi-tive events: the 100 yd. breast. As always,

the girls swim team expects a top three fin-ish at state to round out the accolades.

Earlier this year, the swim team ven-tured on their annual trip to Florida to train and have some team bonding. The trip prepared them for their upcoming swim meets this season. As they look for-ward, the Florida trip looks to be a huge and helpful component as they progress forward in their aspirations to succeed at state.

Practices can certainly be rigorous, of-ten involving warm-ups, technique prac-tice, intense time trials, and tons of core exercises. The girls work extremely hard all season, and the fastest swimmers will move on to the state team.

Against the tide: Girls Swimming ready to stroke again

O’Neill (KEVIN WAIDA).

lefeBvRe lookS foR ReSultS fRom new contRiButoRS

winteR SpoRtS pReview

By KEVIN WAIDA

A Fairview swimmer flies across the pool (KEVIN WAIDA).

Royal BanneRSpoRtS Friday, December 10, 2010 11

1) Under Interim Head Coach Brian Ca-bral, Colorado Buffaloes football won two straight Big 12 games (Iowa State & Kansas State). When was the last time this occurred?

2) Who was the first Big 12 team to lose to Harvard?

3) Which current SEC head football coach was an assistant coach at Colorado under Bill McCartney?

4) Colorado point guard Chucky Jeffery registered a triple double against Loyola Chi-cago on November 27. Who was the last Lady Buff to record a triple double?

5) Which of CU’s three revenue sports (football, men’s basketball & women’s basket-ball) was the last to record a winning season?

ANSWERS AT BOTTOM OF PAGE

Stump SparkyBy MATT SPARKMAN

1) 2007 (Oklahoma & Baylor) 2) Colorado 3) Les Miles (LSU) 4) Sandy Bean (1979) 5) Women’s Basketball

Among the 2,000 students me-andering the halls of Fairview, how many would know of a senior by the name of Craig? What about the underclassmen? Would anyone be able to pick Craig out of a crowd? Then take the same group of students, and ask them about Salty the bal-laaaaa. Chances are that you will notice the spark in their eye when they realize that Salty actually has a real name.

That’s right folks, it’s time to get to know the man be-hind the nickname. Good ol’ Craig Saltarelli.

Craig “Salty” Saltarelli’s life is just about entirely centered around basketball. He admit-ted that on days that there was no practice, you’d probably find him at the rec with his friends, and teammates, playing some pick-up basketball anyways.

Saltarelli started playing basket-ball in kindergarten for a YMCA league. He stepped up his game in the Gold Crown league. In fact, if it wasn’t for this, Fairview proba-bly wouldn’t be able to boast about their salty basketball star.

“I did Fairview Gold Crown in 6th grade; if I hadn’t been on that team I probably would’ve gone to Boulder High because I live right by there.”

Although many of the upper-classmen with any knowledge of Fairview basketball would prob-ably refer to him as this year’s Dar-ragh O’Neill, you might just see him streaking at the next football game, running across Recht field

at halftime, with security guards on his tail, wearing nothing, or perhaps nothing but a sock. Only joking. But when asked about po-tentially streaking, he had this to say:

“I think it would be cool to do, I just wouldn’t want to deal with the [consequences].”

The prospects for this year’s varsity men’s basketball team are looking up, even after losing many star seniors last year. Saltarelli said that the boys mesh well on the court.

“Most of these guys have played

together forever, we’re all friends outside of basketball.”

Would he and his teammates ever be more than just friends? No they wouldn’t. But when asked about possible “bromances”, Saltarelli responded first with un-

certainty about the serious-ness of the question, and then laughter when he finally reached a decision.

“What? I need to think about that. Bryce and Cart-wright have been my friends forever, but Brandon Boyle is definitely the best-looking dude on them team.”

Saltarelli recognizes the importance of getting fired

up before games, and he uses his soundtrack to do so.

“Last year’s play list in-cluded Good Life and Touch the Sky by Kanye. Oh! And the entire Space Jam soundtrack. Always.”

After getting himself pumped up, he knows that as one of the star seniors on the team, it’s his re-sponsibility to get his teammates energized as well. And as for the fans, just remember: “Everybody get up it’s time to slam now. We got a real jam goin’ down, welcome to the Space Jam. Here’s your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam.”

Craig Saltarelli steps into the spotlight

Saltarelli (MEGAN DEBRUYN).

On Monday, December 6th, the Universi-ty of Colorado introduced its 24th full-time head coach, Jon Embree.

“We’re going to put swagger back in this program,” said Embree, 45, a former tight end under Bill McCartney.

Embree spent the last five years as the tight ends coach for the Washington Red-skins of the NFL.

Prior to his time in the nation’s capital, Embree was the assistant head coach and tight ends coach at UCLA.

Embree honed his coaching skills at Colo-rado, where he spent a decade under three coaches as a position coach.

Along with a wealth of Pac Ten and Big 12 experience, Embree brings Minnesota Vi-kings running backs coach and former run-ning backs coach at UCLA and Colorado, Eric Bieniemy.

Bieniemy looks to lead a staff that is gen-erally regarded as a recruiting juggernaut.

CU hires Embree

Countless hours spent per-fecting their two and a half minute dance routine paid off for the Fairview varsity poms team last Friday when they took home second place at the Colorado State Spirit Champi-onships which were held at the Denver coliseum.

Preparation for the state championships began months in advanced. Practices led by senior captains Leigh Citarel-la and Maggie Andrews were more intense then years be-fore: “This year we had more discipline. We knew that when we stepped into practice we just had to work hard for those three hours in order to accom-plish our goals.” Citarella said.

The twelve member team finally got the chance to show what they were made of at two regional compe-

titions. They took home fourth place at both, beating out stiff competi-tion such as Cherry Creek.

Regionals was just the begin-ning for the poms team. After mak-ing the state championship finals, the team had one more opportu-nity to perform their dance. They

nailed it beautifully, earning them a second place trophy and bragging rights. Fairview poms were less then two points shy of tying Grandview High School for first place.

The team will travel to Walt Dis-ney World in Orlando, Florida this January for the national competi-tion.

Five, six, seven, eight: Poms take second at stateBy CHELSEA CLAMPERT

By MEGAN DEBRUYN & PAIGE REISMAN

By MATT SPARKMAN

Jeffery (WIKIMEDIA

COMMONS).

Maggie Andrews & Leigh Citarella (PHOTO:

DONATED).

Cabral (WIKIME-

DIA COMMONS).

“It feels good to have all our hard work be recog-nized.”

Royal BanneRFriday, December 10, 201012 SpoRtS

The Athletes Sarah Palin’s Alaska is...

Least Favorite oppo-nent?

What’s in your wallet?

What was your last Google search?

What was the last song you played on your iPod?

Favorite TV show?

Chris Chavez (Wrestling)

... I don’t like it. None Money Youtube Rock Star by Lil Wayne UFC

Bryce Dolan (Boy’s Basketball)

... my favorite show. Boulder A check for $8.30 Sarah Palin Somewhere Over the Rainbow by IZ

Sarah Palin’s Alaska

Carlee Lough ( Girl’s Basketball)

...the worst show ever. Boulder Money, license, University of Regis basketball schedule

Alfred Adler

Erase Me by Kid Cudi Law and Or-der: SVU

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Skiers and snowboarders, this week, I'll keep it brief. As you know, over the week of November 14th-November 19th, most of Colorado's ski areas have received more then two feet of snow! Let me put this into perspective for you, on November 20th of Last Year, Keystone only had 14 runs open on 2/3 peaks. This year, the ski areas have been very fortunate. Since the opening of Breckenridge, November 12th, to November 19th, they have received over 55 inches of snow! In addition, on, December 3rd, Vail opened the Blue Sky Basin area along with additional openings at Beaver Creek. Aspen-Snowmass opened over Thanksgiving Break with well over 1000 acres a piece and Aspen Highlands and Buttermilk will

open December 11th with a lot of terrain open, seeing as they have waited well over a month then the other ski areas in Colorado. Till next week, keep on shredding!

Shred the slopes, ski season is upon usBy BRETT MATISSEN

Winter sports pop culture grid

Lough (KEVIN WAIDA) Chavez and Dolan (STAN WHITCOMB)