CourseSession 245475 Stress Sanity and Survival

8/7/2019 CourseSession 245475 Stress Sanity and Survival

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Stress, sanity, and survivalStress is a normal, life-preserving instinct that has allowed human beings to survive for thousands of

ears. But too much of anything is harmful. You can't escape stress, but you can learn to harness it. In

his course you'll learn the LifePACT -- four practical principles that can help you replace old habits,noculate yourself against stress, and take charge of your life.

Lessons

Stress: you can't live without it1.

At times, stress can be your guardian angel, and at other times it's your worst

enemy. But there's no magic bullet for eliminating stress. In this lesson, you'll

come to understand the attributes and impact of stress, including how to acquire

habits that moderate its effects.

The LifePACT model of stress management2.

Stress cannot and should not be eliminated from your life entirely. This lesson

dispels some of the myths surrounding stress as well as reinforces some of thetruths. You'll also learn how the LifePACT model can help you manage stressful

situations.

Perspective: manage your mind3.

Now that you understand some basics, you'll begin your transformation into a

self-affirming individual with a closer examination of the first element of the

LifePACT model: perspective. We'll also touch on the second element of

autonomy.

Autonomy: managing your hands4.

This lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying

and then dealing with procrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT

principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your heart.

Connectedness: managing your heart5.To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow

humans with whom you live out your life. Today we'll learn how to strengthen

connections with your community, including becoming assertive and dealing

with difficult people.

Tone: melding your body and spirit6.

Your body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the

LifePACT principle of taking care of this vehicle. By developing a proper tone,

you'll find the key factors for dealing with the physical demands of managing

stress.

Putting it all together7.

By managing your mind, hands, and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and

spirit that acts as one, enabling you to master your emotions. This lesson putsthe four principles of the LifePACT model together to balance personal and

professional demands.

Managing your emotions every day8.

In this final lesson, we'll explore the three main forms of emotional stress --

anger, worry, and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for improving your

daily life so you can balance your emotions and keep your life on an even keel.

Stress: you can't live without itAt times, stress can be your guardian angel, and at other times it's your worst enemy. But there's no magic

ullet for eliminating stress. In this lesson, you'll come to understand the attributes and impact of stress,

ncluding how to acquire habits that moderate its effects.

What is stress?

Stress saved my grandpa's life. Visit themessage



He lived on a farm in a home without an indoor toilet. One night, he put on his slippers and set

ut through the darkness for the outhouse, which was some 10 yards from the house. As he

umbled with the latch on the outhouse door, he felt what he thought was the tail of one of the

many housecats brushing back and forth against his bare leg. Then something totally

nexpected happened. The cat's tail started to rattle. Grandpa was standing on the head of a

attlesnake! But not for long, believe you me.

n an instant, his entire body was three feet off the ground. When he came back down, he

prang back up a second time and many more times until he was all the way back in the

afety of his bedroom. Being bit by a rattler at that hour in that remote part of Texas wouldrobably have been fatal. But stress energized my grandfather, saving his life by sending him

eaping through the darkness.

Chances are that stress has also saved your life a time or two. But then again, it may also be

illing you.

That's the paradox of stress. Sometimes, it can save a life. As when some careless driver

uts across your lane and you slam on your brakes. Or when your three-year-old daughter

oses her balance on the monkey bars and you dive under her to break the fall. At moments

ke this, stress is your guardian angel. But at other times it's your worst enemy. When it takes

ver too often, when it stays too long, when it is too intense, stress can be an overwhelminglyestructive force.

A fact of life

There's no magic bullet for eliminating stress. There's no patch you can wear, no tonic you

an drink, and no shot you can take. In other words, you can't live without it. On the other

and, you can't live very comfortably when it's your constant companion. The key to dealing

with stress is learning to live life in the middle -- to acquire the habits of moderating stress.

This course will teach you to harness the positive attributes of stress so that it can actuallyecome a dependable friend, one that will never turn on you. Also, in the next five lessons,

ou will learn about the LifePACT model: a system that helps you define your principles for

festyle management so you can maximize the benefits of stress while mitigating its costs. By

managing your mind, hands, and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that act as one,

nabling you to master your emotions. In Lessons 7 and 8, we'll see how to put everything

we've learned in this course together and apply stress management techniques to everyday

ituations.

Now let's look at some of the symptoms and behaviors that accompany excessive stress.

You know you're stressed out when . . .

Your behavior will tell you when you're overly stressed. You might notice the quality or

uantity of your work starting to slide. Perhaps you find yourself unwilling to deal

onstructively with conflict, or withdrawing from social contact. You might notice yourself

isplaying an apathetic attitude, or backbiting, or nitpicking. You may also find your personal

rooming starting to slip as well.

Your emotions can also tell you when you're too stressed. You might have feelings of

itterness, depression, gloom, anxiety, guilt, or worthlessness. Or you might just feel empty

motionally.

Your body will let you know with headaches, backaches, upset stomachs, or a sense of

isorientation. You'll notice weariness, tiredness, irritability, and a loss of energy.

And your thoughts will let you know. You might find yourself thinking, "I hate this job" or "I

ate my boss" or "I hate school." "What's the use? I don't care anyway. People are so stupid,

board

Welcome to

the course!

Now is a great

time to begin

using the

Message

Board to

introduce

yourself and

share what

drew you to

this class. The

Message

Board is not

just a place to

post questions

for your

instructor or

classmates --

it's a great

vehicle for

discussing thematerial and

exchanging life

experiences

and

information.

Use it!



ncaring, and hypocritical." "What's wrong with me? Am I having a nervous breakdown? I

an't relax. Something bad is going to happen. The future is so hopeless. Nobody appreciates

me." Or simply: "This is terrible. I can't stand it anymore."

The story of stress is composed of both an inside and an outside part. As we'll see next, the

utside part of stress is all the hassles in our little world that upset us.

Stress from the outside

The classes of hassles

is literally impossible to get through even a single day without encountering one or more of

he endless varieties of hassles. As you read through the following list, think about an average

ay and how these hassles, commonly called stressors, may be reducing your enjoyment of

fe.

Emotional hassles. This category includes the fears and anxieties we struggle with. For

example: Can we prevent nuclear war? What if I run out of gas? How am I going to pay the

light bill?

Family hassles. Interactions with family members can be stressful: The striving of

teenagers for independence, a spouse who drinks too much, in-laws visiting.Social hassles. Our interaction with other people: Asking a person for a date, expressing

anger at another's behavior, giving or going to a party.

Change hassles. There's a limit to the amount of change we can comfortably sustain

before something becomes a hassle: Leaving a job, buying a house, moving to a new city.

You may be able to handle one or even two changes at once, but the third could send you

spinning.

Work hassles. Whether you work in an office or from home, you'll experience work-related

stresses like asking for a raise, rushing to meet deadlines, or cleaning tracked-in mud off

the floor for the fourth time in one day.

Commuting hassles. This is the category of unpleasant life events like the stress of

discourteous or reckless drivers that occurs in rush hour traffic. It also includes the hassles

of air, bus, or train travel.Decision hassles. Making decisions, especially regarding important issues or when there

is no perfect solution to a problem, can drive you bananas: Should I have the surgical

procedure now or wait? Should my aged parent be institutionalized? Should I get a

divorce?

Pain hassles. Pain stressors are the aches and pains of new and old injuries, or of

ongoing medical conditions like a sore tooth, migraine headaches, and PMS. Chronic pain

and discomfort can lead to social isolation and depression.

Environmental hassles. This category of stressors includes aspects of our surroundings

that are often unavoidable: Smoke-filled rooms, cramped offices, the glare of the sun, or

the cold of winter.

The first step toward managing your stress is to identify the external events that set you off.

And now that you can recognize the day-to-day categories of life's hassles and that you're notalone in combating them, let's peer into the inner part of the story of stress. This discussion

will give you a better understanding of why stress affects you in the way it does.

How you reactto stress

Our society

rewards

people who

deal with

stress by

working harder

and faster to

produce more

in a shortertime. But all of

us respond to

stress

differently, and

many of us are

incapable of

handling it

productively.

Go to the

Message

Board and

discuss with

yourclassmates

some of the

methods

you've used to

combat stress

in the past.

Which one

worked best?

Which one or

ones didn't

work? Why?

Your tool toless hassle

One of the

greatest

stressors is

feeling like we

have to

remember a

million pieces

of information.

Take thepressure off

yourself by

storing your

contacts,

calendar, and

to-do list in

your HP



handheld PC.

The inside story

What happens within you as your body copes with these external hassles is indeed the inside

tory of stress. When my grandfather performed his gazelle imitation all the way back to the

armhouse, it wasn't a well-thought-out plan. Rationality wasn't involved at all. Something very

rimitive intervened. Another side of his humanness stepped forward and said, "I'll handle

his." Immediately, a series of changes was set in motion: an instinctive process that started in

a part of the brain called the hypothalamus mobilized glands and immediately affectedespiration and muscle groups. In an instant his entire body reacted to the danger of the

attlesnake.

This marvelous capacity for self-preservation comes at a price. I once saw a bumper sticker

hat read "I brake for the heck of it." That's a good way to wear out a perfectly good set of

rakes. In the same way, getting stressed too often is a good way to wear your body out.

Preparing to fight when somebody in front of you has one too many items for the grocery

xpress lane, or allowing your blood pressure to skyrocket because you can't stand the

hought of facing another day at work -- these are misuses of a perfectly good survival

nstinct.

Next, let's lay the foundation for the LifePACT model I mentioned earlier by taking a look at

he anatomy of stress.

The anatomy of stress

magine this:

's 2:00 in the morning on a Sunday. The police have just delivered one of your children to

our doorstep. There was a car accident. The driver, your child's friend, was drunk and the

olice found several bottles of liquor in the car as well as some drugs. The police have just lefthe house. Since no one was seriously injured and it was a first offense, the police agree to

ake no legal action . . . this time. Now that they have left, the only thing left for you and your

hild to do is "have a talk."

This situation is full of stress, plain and simple. If you have ever been in a situation like this as

a parent, you may recall how confused you were by your feelings, thoughts, and impulses to

act. You wanted to do something; you felt compelled to take some kind of action. But the

ecision of what to do had gone to some type of internal committee, and the members of that

ommittee couldn't agree.

Your body wanted to take action now. Your emotions were bouncing from feelings of relief to

eelings of betrayal to feelings of shame and guilt and back to anger, round and round, over

and over again. And above this fray, there was the voice of rationality saying, "Take it easy.

No one got hurt. Stay calm. Do the right thing." Who's in charge here, anyway? A

undamental aspect of learning to deal with stress is by understanding its components. So

et's now disassemble this real-life drama and see if we can identify the separate pieces.

How wouldyou react?

The difference

between

sympathy andempathy is

infinitesimal

yet immense.

Can you relate

to all aspects

of the incidents

on this page?

On a scale of 1

to 10, how

upset would

you be if you

were theparent? How

upset would

you be if you

were the child?

How would

you feel if you

were the police

officer?

Bringing your

sympathy as

close to

empathy as

possible willenable you to

improve your

ability to

manage

stress.

The structure of stress episodes

While all stress episodes are unique in their particular circumstances, they all have a similar

tructure. For instance, every episode of stress begins with a trigger. In the above incident,he trigger is the arrival at your doorstep of a member of the local police department. That

vent sets in motion a chain of other events. Things happen very fast when you're in a

tressful situation. Although it's difficult to ferret out the sequence of what follows, most

xperts say that the trigger then stimulates the resident translator in your mind.

The resident translator looks at the details of the trigger, quickly sizes them up, and interprets

Stress-free

desktops

Performance

and flexibility

come together

in the HP

business



what is happening as crisis, non-crisis, or somewhere in between. How the translator labels

he situation determines the intensity of stress or, more precisely, the extent of physiological

hanges in your body triggered by the event. Your stress reactions can range from "not upset"

o "mildly upset" to "totally blown away." The intensity of the physiological changes

etermines what happens in yet another link in the sequence of events: behavior.

Your behavior is the action you take to discharge the stress brought about by the translator's

abeling of the trigger, which happens in an instant. Before you know it, you find yourself

ompletely confused. Your heart is pounding, and you don't know what to do. You can avoid

his confusion by recognizing that an episode of stress is composed of these separate pieces.

Knowing this, you are able to tinker with each of the separate pieces until you can take

harge of the stressful situation.

Considering the trigger

For instance, consider the trigger. Are there any steps you can take to undo the policeman-

n-the-porch problem? No. He's there, and so is your child. But what about the spin you are

utting on this situation? Your first take might be, "My God, this is the end of the world. My kid

s an addict! I can't believe she would betray me like this! After all I've . . ." In other words, you

end the message to the rest of you, "Catastrophe! Major train wreck!" And in an instant your

ntire body is mobilized for a panicked reaction.

But there is another course things could take. What if, in mid-sentence, you intercepted your

nitial translator and interjected a less extreme perception on the situation? What if you had

eveloped the capacity to think, "Slow down, everyone, let's get our responses together. Let's

et some facts first." Now the message to your body is not full mobilization but a more

easonable "Stand by."

What if, in addition to moderating your thoughts, you also had the presence of mind to take

hree slow deep breaths? Slow, deep breathing goes directly to the core of the stress and

uts the brakes on runaway feelings. The trigger itself hasn't gone away, but the situation no

onger seems like a total emergency. In addition to this, the bodily reactions (stress) haveeen tempered with relaxing breathing. You were on your way to a 10 on the stress

arometer but, by taking charge of your thoughts and feelings, now you're only at a 6 or 7.

You're not indifferent -- you are still upset. But you're not overwhelmed by the situation. You

ave managed the situation by managing yourself.

Let's now add one more element to the mix. Imagine saying to the officer in a calm steady

oice, "I am so relieved to see no one is hurt. Thank you, Officer." It doesn't matter that you

on't feel calm. Acting calm sends yet another message to the primitive side of you that things

are under control.

Moving forward

No one is an expert at taking charge of runaway thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It is

absolutely normal to muddle your way through all the ups and downs that come your way. It is

mportant to understand that managing stress does not mean eliminating stress. You can't do

hat -- nor should you even want to. Stress can be your ally. Stress is nature's way of

heltering you from the unpredictable mishaps of life. By understanding the anatomy of a

tress reaction, you can see more clearly the choices available to you.

Your successful completion of this course will not result in the total eradication of stress from

our life. You will see that success is achieved by regulating your behavior so that you're not

verreacting to certain situations. The key is matching your stress response to the demandsf the situation, a skill that you can sharpen with practice. In the next lesson, we'll take a more

n-depth look at managing stress, including an introduction and discussion of the LifePACT

model of stress management.

desktop PC.

Quiz #1Question 1:



Stress is something that serves no purpose in our lives.

A) True

B) False

Question 2:

You know you're overly stressed when:

A) You notice yourself displaying an apathetic attitude, backbiting, or nitpicking.

B) You have feelings of bitterness, depression, gloom, anxiety, guilt, or worthlessness.

C) You notice weariness, tiredness, irritability, and a loss of energy.

D) You find yourself thinking, "I hate this job" or "I hate my boss" or "I hate school."

E) All of the above.

Question 3:

You can entirely eliminate stress from your life, so that should be your goal.

A) True

B) False

Question 4:

There is no structure to an episode of stress.

A) True

B) False

The LifePACT model of stress managementStress cannot and should not be eliminated from your life entirely. This lesson dispels some of the myths

urrounding stress as well as reinforces some of the truths. You'll also learn how the LifePACT model can help

ou manage stressful situations.

The myths and facts of stress management

You now know that stress can be your best friend or your worst enemy, depending on the

ituation and your ability to cope with it. Stress cannot and should not be eliminated from your

fe entirely. By first recognizing the external hassle and then analyzing the anatomy, or

tructure, of the stressful event, you'll soon be able to regulate your behavior so that you don't

verreact. The key to this trick is managing and matching your stress response to the

emands of the situation, a skill that can only be sharpened with practice.

n today's lesson you'll be introduced to the LifePACT model. Understanding all of the basic

echniques of managing stress that are incorporated into this model will help you define your

rinciples for lifestyle management, enabling you to maximize the benefits of stress while

mitigating its costs.

Myths

First, let's take time to dispel the myths surrounding stress management before reinforcing

ome relevant facts.

Myth #1: only high-level executives, law enforcement personnel, and air traffic

controllers experience high levels of stress

Although this is untrue, some professions are accompanied by more stressful demands thanther professions. I know a person who's been knocked unconscious on the job three times.

On several occasions he has had injuries to his back serious enough to require medical

attention. He's had his ribs broken three different times. Generally, his body is covered with

ruises. What do you think he does for a living? Do you think he's a rodeo rider, stuntman, or

wrestler? No, he's a self-defense instructor who teaches women how to protect themselves

against physical assault.

Take home justthe work, notthe stress

Reduce your

work stress by

getting out of

the office. With

a high

performance

HP notebook

PC, you can

avoid those

long hours at

work by getting

some of it

done at home.



Every profession carries its own burden of stress. Even in high-pressure jobs, it's surprising

what people find stressful. For instance, you'd think the most stressful aspect of being an air

raffic controller is keeping airplanes from crashing. But that's not the case. Surveys with

hese professionals have revealed that what they find most stressful are mundane things like

ealing with management and bureaucracy.

And I know from the work I've done with emergency room nurses, who negotiate life-and-

eath issues every day, that what stresses them is not keeping the patient alive. They feel

uite confident in that arena. The things driving them crazy are the conflicts they're having

with another nurse or a particular surgeon. As you can see, every job presents its own set of

tressful demands and no occupation is exempt.

Myth #2: stress is inescapable

This is also not entirely true. Some stressors are indeed inescapable. We saw earlier the wide

ariety of hassles that you and everyone else faces each and every day. While you can't get

d of all of these, you might be able to eliminate some of them. You could, for instance, quit a

ob that is overly demanding. You could end a friendship that you feel is no longer bringing

ou any joy. Or you could confront a colleague who's rubbing you the wrong way.

's a good idea to try and eliminate stressors from your life. But trying to eliminate all

tressors from your life is futile, and could become the biggest stressor of them all. A better

approach is to learn to moderate your response to different stressors. You don't have to allow

he intensity of your stress reaction go unchecked. In this sense stress, although inescapable,

s manageable.

Myth #3: it is never a good idea to use drugs to deal with stress

Although it is never a good idea to misuse or abuse drugs, the above is not true. Getting high

and getting drunk, making yourself comfortably numb -- these are not constructive ways of

oping with stress. On the other hand, there are many people performing quite effectively inociety who owe their ability to face life to prescribed medications.

The problem of drug abuse has preoccupied our society for decades. It's no wonder that

many people distrust drugs. Because of this, they hold off seeking the support they might gain

rom prescribed medications. Extreme shyness, anxiety, depression, and other disorders due

o chemical imbalances in the brain respond very well to drugs.

n fact, millions of people are able to function professionally and find fulfillment in their lives

ecause they take prescription medication. While some people develop a dependency on

rescription drugs, the majority of people on medication are not abusing the drugs they take.

Don't rule out chemical intervention. It may be the responsible thing for you to do, even if onlyor a short period of time.

Facts

And now, some facts about stress.

Fact #1: work stress can affect your home life

This is very true. Wouldn't it be great if you could walk out of your office, get in your car, and

rive home to your family and loved ones without carrying any baggage from your work day?

's the rare person who can leave the office behind. You may take home an empty briefcase

n occasion, but your mind and your heart are full of the day's events. Memories of these

vents echo in your mind as you go back and forth between the domain of your work life to

our personal life.



Stress contamination can work in the other direction as well. You can take the stress you

ave at home into your business life. Right before putting your child on the school bus, she

hrows a tantrum over her tennis shoes. Or someone pulls up next to your car and yells an

bscenity or slur at you. These events can cause stressful feelings that linger with you

hrough the workday. Keeping the stress from one domain of life from infiltrating another

omain is a skill that we will discuss more fully later in the course.

Fact #2: stress can radically affect your behavior

This is also true. I teach a course on anger management for people charged with

misdemeanor assault. I know from the stories I hear that the stress of anger can drive people

o outrageous extremes of behavior. The story of one participant in that class stands out in my

mind. He lost his temper with another player in a pool game. Eight different times he went to

he cue stick rack, grabbed a cue stick and broke it over the head of the other person. Eight

mes! That's a lot of cue sticks.

's a sad commentary on our times that workplace violence is becoming a regular occurrence.

Violence has moved into our schools, as we all witnessed in the Columbine High School

ragedy. These are examples of people driven to desperation by high levels of stress.

ntense stress can be directed to acts of heroism as well. You may have read of superhumaneats of strength performed by people in crisis situations. A mother was working in her kitchen

when she heard the crash of her son's car slipping off the jack, pinning her son under the car.

Remarkably, she was able to lift the back of the car high enough to allow her son to squirm

ut. She saved her son's life. More precisely, stress energized her to save her son's life.

Always keep in mind that stress is a powerful force that can be directed to acts of evil or great

estures of benevolence.

Fact #3: stress management is a learnable skill

No matter how much stress you are under today, no matter how long you have struggled with

anger, depression, worry or other forms of stress, you can learn to take charge of your stress.

Managing stress does not mean eliminating stress. Stress can be a good thing. It becomes a

ad thing when you have too much of it, when it's too intense, or when it lasts too long.

Beginning to manage your stress

The advice found in stress management books can generally be summarized into five basic

ategories. During this discussion, think about which technique or combination of techniques

as the potential to manage your stress response the most effectively.

. Get away

These methods of stress management involve removing yourself from the

circumstances that are causing you stress. You can do this in a number of

ways. You can leave the scene for a while (nap, take a walk, take a breather,

take a day off) or end a relationship. You can even change jobs, schools, or

where you live. The decision is entirely up to you.

2. Change how you relate to the stressor

If you can't get away from what's stressing you out, there is an array of things

you can do to manipulate your initial response. Learn more effective behaviors

through professional counseling. Become more assertive. Be more honest and

candid, and learn to say no. Increase your understanding and empathy by being

less critical of yourself and others. Change negative self-talk. Stop irrational

patterns of thought like catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, or thinking in

Finding therightcombination

Now you know

that there are

five different

ways

individuals can

respond to

stress. Which

technique or

combination of

techniques has

proven to work

best for you inthe past?

Which

technique or

techniques

have led to

more problems

or confusion in



black-and-white terms. Set realistic goals for yourself.

3. Change the stressor

This approach to dealing with stress amounts to approaching the problem by

asking yourself, "Do I have any control over the situation?" If the answer is yes,

do what you can to change the situation. It may be that what you thought was

out of your control may not be. Or perhaps you can't change the entire situation

but you can change some parts of it.

4. Accept the stressor

This is a powerful philosophical technique. Essentially it involves resigning

yourself to the fact that some things cannot be changed. Life is not always fair.

Even the difficult things in life have value as opportunities for developing a

greater tolerance for frustration.

5. Work on building stress tolerance

The point of this fifth category of stress management is building up stress

stamina. Such techniques are particularly useful when you're faced with a

stressor that won't go away and that you can't change. Your goal is to build your

emotional and physiological resilience. Here are some things that can help do

that: Get enough sleep and exercise, set aside a time for daily relaxation, talk

out your problems, develop tolerance and patience, maintain a strong support

group of family and friends, and watch what you eat.

By stepping back and taking stock of all these techniques, you will likely realize that you are

ot alone in facing the stresses of life. Everyone deals with stressful situations in their own

way, and only you can decide which method works best for you. Right now, I want you to

make a pact with yourself to take charge of your life. And, in order to help you achieve thatoal, I would like to introduce you to LifePACT, a method that has proven to reduce unhealthy

evels of stress.

your life?

Why? Go to

the Message

Board and

discuss your

answers with

your

classmates.

ntroducing LifePACT

The acronym PACT represents all you need to know and do in order to master the

management of stress. The four principles in the LifePACT model encompass all the stress-

management techniques listed above. In addition, the model presents these to you in a user-

riendly way that makes understanding each principle much easier. It also narrows your

hoices so that you'll actually apply the principles to stress you encounter rather than justhinking about it. I will briefly introduce here each principle and then elaborate on them in the

ext four lessons.

. The P stands for perspective

Perspective is the skill of managing your head. By mastering the habits of

constructive thinking, you'll find that you can size up situations in a much more

rational way. This principle will also allow you to determine, for each hassle you

encounter, which technique or combination of techniques has the potential to

manage your stress response the most effectively.

2. The A stands for autonomy

Autonomy is the skill of "managing your hands." To manage your hands is to be

judicious in what habits you pick up, what responsibilities you take on, and what

thoughts or emotions you hold on to. Most importantly, autonomy allows you to

DissectingLifePACT'selements

As distinctindividuals, we

each have

different

strengths and

weaknesses.

Which

LifePACT

principle do

you have the

most difficulty

with? How do

you think this

can berectified? If

you have ever

tried

meditation,

breathing

techniques, or

self-hypnosis,



let go of whatever's bothering you.

3. The C stands for connectedness

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. We are all related. We have

survived to this point in our evolutionary history primarily because we have

banded together as individuals. To manage your heart is to manage your place

in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life.

4. The T stands for tone

Tone is the skill of managing body and spirit. To manage your body is to

cultivate habits of care and attention to your physiological makeup. To manage

your spirit is to nurture your soul.

Moving forward

After dispelling some of the myths surrounding stress as well as reinforcing some of the

ruths, this lesson introduced you to the LifePACT model of stress management. When

mastered and implemented, LifePACT will help you combat crooked thinking, deal withrocrastination, develop and maintain constructive relationships in your life, relax and unwind,

and prevent the accumulation of tension in your body. In the next lesson, let's begin our

ransformation into self-affirming individuals with a closer examination of the first of these four

rinciples: perspective.

what has

worked for you

and what has

not? Why?

Discuss your

responses with

your

classmates on

the Message

Board.

Assignment #1

You may take home an empty briefcase on occasion, but your mind and your heart are full of the

ay's events. Memories of these events echo in your mind as you go from the domain of work life to

ersonal life. How would you apply each of the LifePACT model's principles to the following

ituation?

David is a college professor who found out today that his research grant would not be

renewed for next year. He comes home exhausted, after spending the day scrambling

to find alternative sources of funding.

At 6:00 David walks through the door, looking forward to an evening with Jenny, but

he is so tired that he can only give her a half-hearted hug.

At 6:01 Jenny moves toward David, anticipating a kiss. As the recipient of an

unenthusiastic hug, she feels rebuffed and slightly angry.

At 6:02 Jenny berates David for not stopping at the cleaners. She starts reading the

newspaper, treating David with indifference, and gives up her romantic fantasies for

later that evening.

At 6:03 David is confused and angry about Jenny's aloof response. He tells her he

needs to work in his study after dinner.

How could Jenny and David begin to change their perspectives? Has either one of

them practiced the principle of autonomy? If so, how? Does this couple have anyconnectedness? How might their relationship be improved? Discuss your responses

with your classmates on the Message Board.

Quiz #2



Question 1:

Only high-level executives, law enforcement personnel, and air traffic controllers experience high levels

of stress.

A) True

B) False

Question 2:

When dealing with stress, drugs can play a helpful role.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:

Stress can radically affect your behavior.

A) True

B) False

Question 4:

When managing stress, there is only one technique that people can choose from.

A) True

B) False

Perspective: manage your mindNow that you understand some basics, you'll begin your transformation into a self-affirming individual with a

loser examination of the first element of the LifePACT model: perspective. We'll also touch on the second

lement of autonomy.

Managing your mind with good habits

Habits can be useful. When you operate habitually, you need to be only half-focusing on

what you are doing because your habits are doing the other half of the thinking. When theyield good consequences, they are called good habits. Washing your hands before eating -

that's a good practice. But if you do it every two minutes, you have a bad habit.

Habits fall into two categories: Public habits are behaviors that are visible to others while

rivate habits are habits of thought. Perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing

tress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. Your private thoughts

lay such a key part in day-to-day stresses that they are actually a better predictor of the

amount of stress something will elicit than the actual stressful events themselves.

Making false readings

What this means is that much of the stress you experience is the direct result of losing

erspective, or putting an irrational spin on what is happening in your life. If you are

xperiencing a lot of stress, chances are very good that you have cultivated private habits

f thought that are making your life more hassled than it is has to be. Irrational patterns of

hinking are so common that psychologists have come up with names for them all of us

an recognize, including " overgeneralizing ," " catastrophizing ," "jumping to conclusions,"

and "pleasing others." We'll take a closer look at these bad habits in this lesson's

assignment.

magine that your thoughts are like the dials on the dashboard of your car. If the

emperature gauge registers that your car is overheating, you are going to pull over as

oon as you can to have it checked. If the oil light goes on, you'll do something right away

o ensure no serious damage is done. So you take it in and the mechanic tells you, "Your

ar is fine. I think that gauge needs replacing because it's giving you a false reading."

The same can be true of your mind. To gain perspective, you'll need to replace bad habits

Getting swept

away by it all

Why do we allow

our thoughts to

sweep us away?

What you see

happening is the

force of habit.

Your thoughts are

automatic. They

pass through your

mind so quickly

that you may noteven be aware

that anything took

place. You are

aware, however,

of the debris of

negative feelings

and behavior they

leave in their

wake. Think

about a recent

stressful event.

Can you identify

any bad habitsthat arose in your

reaction?

Gettingperspective



f thinking with more constructive habits. While going through the initial stages of this

rocess, you may not have the presence of mind to stop an irrational thought before it has

licited in you a stressful reaction. You'll probably find yourself doing more cleaning up

after the damage has been done rather than preventing it from happening.

But you will also become aware of the negative feelings and habits, and you can use this

awareness as a signal to hunt out and replace destructive thoughts with more constructive

houghts. And, as your skill level with this technique grows, you'll be able to nip crooked

houghts in the bud. Let's now see how we can begin to master our private thoughts and

abits.

While unforeseen

accidents are

likely to happen,

rather than

panicking and

making the

situation worse,

you can protect

yourself with

services that will

help you get backon your feet as

soon as possible.

Mastering your thoughts

recommend the following four steps for gaining control of a situation in which your private

houghts are likely to give you false readings:

Step #1: What am I telling myself?

As soon as you find yourself getting tense, stop and reflect on what your

thoughts are telling you about the situation. The best way to do this is to take

out a piece of paper and start jotting down all the ideas that come to mind.

Step #2: Is my self-talk helping?

Seriously consider whether the way you are sizing up a situation is reallyconstructive or destructive. In other words, what are you gaining and losing

in looking at things in your habitual way?

Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative

houghts?

In this step, you are inviting other perspectives into your mind. It helps at this

point to label your irrational thoughts. Are you making a mountain out of a

molehill? Ask yourself if things are really all that bad, and answer truthfully.

Jumping to conclusions? Offer yourself some alternative explanations for

what has happened.

Step #4: How can I behave in a way that is consistent with these positive

houghts?

This final step is a powerful way to regain composure. In effect, act like you

want to feel. If you want to feel calm and composed, act like a calm and

composed person. Your body will be getting the message to maintain control

from two sources: Your well-reasoned thoughts about the situation and the

signals from your behavior that everything is under control.

Let's look at how you can apply these four steps to an actual stressful situation.

Applying these steps

Let's put ourselves in Gayle's shoes. She's been on a diet for several months. Lately it

Feeding yourselfpositive thoughts

Your irrational

thoughts and their

impact on your

stress response

are better

controlled when

they are caught

early. Let them go

unchecked and

you will find

yourself

overwhelmed withintense feelings

that are

disproportionate

to the event that

you are

responding to.

You are what you

think. Feed

yourself positive

thoughts and you

will be a positive

person.



asn't gone very well, and she has exceeded her calorie limit more than a couple of times.

Gayle suspects that the culprit (trigger) is her fear that she will not meet her weight loss

oal by the time she takes the vacation she has been planning for months. Gayle wants to

urn off this mounting pressure, but doesn't know how.

What would do if you were Gayle?

Step #1: What am I telling myself? "If you don't start losing weight faster, you won't be

thin enough for your trip to Hawaii and everything will be ruined."

Step #2: Is my self-talk helping? Definitely not. This pressure is making me feel

anxious, which means I eat more. I'm seeing myself as a failure. And I'm getting irritablewith my kids, which is unfair. Pressuring myself is making me gain weight, not lose it.

Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative thoughts? I

will allow myself to take my time. Even if I go to Hawaii at this weight, I'll still have fun. I'll

start losing weight again anyway. I shouldn't catastrophize because it's not the end of

the world.

Step #4: How can I now behave in a way that is consistent with these positive

thoughts? You know what, since this self-punishment is very depressing and

counterproductive, I'm going to take a nice long walk tonight. Plus, I'll do something for

myself tomorrow by buying that nice sweater I've been eyeing.

Progressing through your thoughts in a logical manner is a very powerful technique, and

ou'll find that it plays a major role in managing stress. Because your thoughts help define

our perspective (that is, your external actions and internal reactions), it is important toake note of inaccurate or unreasonable thoughts that may contribute to stress. Awareness

f what you are saying to yourself and why is important in stopping the stress that is

manufactured by irrational thoughts. Equally important is your skill in countering self-

efeating thoughts with more constructive rebuttals.

These four steps will help you achieve this goal. So will the LifePACT model's second

rinciple, autonomy, which we'll introduce next before discussing it in greater depth in

Lesson 4.

ntroducing the second LifePACT principle

When you accept that problems and frustrations and disappointments are inevitable in this

world, then life becomes more enjoyable. By practicing the second LifePACT principle,

Autonomy, and replacing "Why is this happening to me?" with "What can I do about what

s happening to me?" you will move from feeling victimized by life to taking charge of your

fe.

We saw earlier that perspective is developing constructive habits in the private behaviors

f our thoughts. Autonomy is developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving

and action. The first step toward achieving autonomy is recognizing that there are only two

ways in which life can be stressful: When you don't get what you want, and when you getwhat you don't want.

A quick example

Let's say that Bob's boss gave him a really great performance appraisal session last

month. Bob was also led to expect a six-percent salary increase, and he had begun to plan

n it. He opens up his salary statement expecting to see the increase but there is no

ncrease. Obviously Bob didn't get what he wanted, but how does he react?

Depending on the spin or perspective Bob puts on this event, his private thoughts andeelings can range from mild disappointment to outrage. But in and of themselves, these

houghts and feelings will change nothing. The basic fact of the situation remains: He didn't

et the raise. That's a problem. What should Bob do? Should he accept this reality without

uestion? Should he appeal? Should he seek more information? What's Bob's next step?

When you start asking yourself these questions, you begin to invoke the principle of



autonomy. In other words, you are on the way to becoming a problem solver.

Making autonomous decisions

Finding a suitable life partner, for instance, is an important developmental task. There are

wo correct decisions you can make: You can either choose the right person or you can not

hoose the wrong person. Likewise, there are two ways of making a mistake: You can

hoose the wrong person or you can not choose the right person.

am oversimplifying things, of course. Relationship success is more than a single decision.

The point is that every act of problem solving is basically choosing a course of action.

There are things you can change even though you think you can't. There are things you

an't change, even though you think you can. Competent problem solving is being able to

istinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control.

Let's take a look at another example.

ake arrives at work completely worn out. Last night, his next-door neighbor had a wild,

runken party at his house, keeping him up all night. The neighbor is a blustering,

isagreeable man who has no consideration for others. When Jake called him at about

:00 a.m. and asked him to be less noisy, the neighbor was abusive and insulting. Things

uieted down later on, but when Jake finally got some rest, he overslept. Because of this,e skips breakfast and hurries to work.

As he is leaving the house he notices that someone has driven a car across one corner of

is lawn and torn out several feet of his new hedge. Jake is sure it was either the neighbor

r one of his drunken guests. Jake storms up to the neighbor's door and demands an

xplanation. The neighbor denies everything and then tells Jake to get off his property.

When Jake gets to work, he is more than an hour late, and his nerves are so ragged he is

actually shaking. Every conceivable thing has gone wrong.

To evaluate the quality of problem solving exhibited by Jake in this slice of his life, let's

onsider the problems he chose to deal with and those he chose not to deal with:

ake chose to confront the neighbor at 3:00 am. Was that a good decision? We know the

eighbor is a "blustering, disagreeable man who has no consideration for others." There's

ttle surprise in the outcome of that confrontation. On the other hand, instead of taking

teps to wake up on time, Jake oversleeps. What's more, he could have eaten, but he

hose to skip breakfast. So, now, stressed about being late and, on an empty stomach, he

makes another run at the neighbor.

Based on this example, Jake is not a competent problem solver.

Moving forward

As you now know, perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing

our private habits of thought and expectation. Much of the stress you experience is the

irect result of losing perspective, or putting an irrational spin, on what is happening in your

fe. By following the four steps we discussed above, you'll be able to gain control of a

ituation in which your private thoughts are likely to give you false readings that only lead

o unhealthy levels of stress.

We were also introduced to autonomy, which is developing habits in the public behaviors

f problem solving and action. In the next lesson, we'll take a closer look at this LifePACTrinciple, including rehearsing to avoid negative reactions and recognizing then stopping

rocrastination.

Quiz #3Question 1:

There is only one kind of habit.



A) True

B) False

Question 2:

There are bad habits and good habits. To gain perspective, you'll need to replace bad habits of thinking

with more constructive habits.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:One way to manage stress is to do the first thing that occurs to you when approaching potentially

tressful situations.

A) True

B) False

Question 4:

Autonomy is developing constructive habits in the private behaviors of our thoughts.

A) True

B) False

Autonomy: managing your handsThis lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with

rocrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your

eart.

Putting autonomy into practice

n the previous lesson we learned that our habits fall into one of two categories, public or

rivate. We learned that perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by

irecting your private habits of thought and expectation. We were also introduced to theecond LifePACT principle: Autonomy, which concerns developing habits in the public

ehaviors of problem solving and action.

As we saw at the end of Lesson 2, Jake only exacerbated his stress. If he had perspective

and practiced autonomy, he would have known that competent problem-solving begins with

eing able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and things that cannot be fixed.

Before discussing connectedness , the third LifePACT principle, let's take a closer look at

he major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination.

Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now. It is

a form of poor problem solving that can lead to needless stress. According to noted time-

management expert David Allen, unfinished tasks are stressful because they lead to mind

lutter. When you tell yourself you ought to do something and then don't do it, you don't quit

hinking about it. The task that you haven't performed occupies your attention like the

emains of a smashed grasshopper on your windshield.

Soon you feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. But, because the things you

ostpone accumulate, besides these emotional consequences there are a number of

ractical ones as well. Procrastination can eventually lead to a number of problems with

riends, employers, spouses, and others.

The causes of procrastination are varied. For some people it may be the pressures of a

ifficult schedule. For others it may be an aversion to mundane or boring tasks. Here are

ome of the more common reasons people procrastinate:

Depression: When you are depressed, any activity will seem pointless. In the extreme,

Rehearsing toavoid negativereactions

When

overwhelmed by

emotion, we

have an

overpowering

urge to do

something

immediately. But

every time you

tackle a problem

impulsively, youset yourself up

for needless

stress. In this

lesson's

assignment,

you'll learn a

method to stop

the upsetting

effects of

impulsive

behavior by

taking a "time

out" to formulatehealthy

responses to

stressful

situations.

A step in the



you may come to the conclusion that nothing you do will ever be able to make you feel

better.

Overload: You can overload yourself into not wanting to do anything. You may assume

you have to do everything at once, or you may assume that you have to carry out a huge

task to completion before stopping.

The "I can't" habit: You automatically assume that you are incapable of performing

some task. So, as soon as the thought of doing it comes to mind, you quickly snuff it out

with "I can't" or "I would, but . . . I just can't."

Self-labeling: If you've been procrastinating for a while, you may have accepted the label

"lazy" or "procrastinator." This leads to expecting little of yourself and serves to justify old

patterns.

No payoff: You may procrastinate not because the task is hard but because you simply

don't feel the reward is worth the work.

Perfectionism: You put off doing things because you have goals and expectations that

won't let you settle for anything less than a magnificent performance.

Fear of failure: You imagine that putting in the effort and not succeeding would be an

overwhelming personal defeat, so you refuse to try at all.

Fear of success: You feel that your accomplishments will raise expectations that you

can't meet, or you fear that people will make greater demands on you, which you then

must meet.

Fear of disapproval: You fear that a mistake or flub will provoke criticism from others.

You can also fear rejection when asserting yourself in a stressful situation.

Coercion resentment: You feel intense pressure from within and without to perform.

Thoughts of "should" and "must" and "have no other choice but to" only make you feelobliged, resentful, and tense.

Low frustration tolerance: You assume that life and reaching your goals should be

easy. You react against the "unfairness" of things being difficult or unpleasant by giving

up or not taking on tasks.

Guilt and self-blame: You are frozen in the conviction that you are bad or have let others

down. This leads to not feeling motivated or wanting to do anything.

Next, let's learn how we can stop procrastination.

right direction

When stressed,

you will put off

the things that

you know you

should do -- and

then it's too late

when a crisis

happens and

you're not

prepared.

Protect yourself

with easy-to-

purchase

services from

HP.

How to stop procrastination

f there is something that you've thought about needing to do but haven't done yet, chances

are that it's eating at you. You've got to get that item off your mind. Since procrastination is a

abit, it can be changed like any other habit. By approaching tasks systematically and with

easonable goals, most people can expect to find significant relief from their looming

roblems. The following tips will also help you achieve this goal:

Positive payoff method: "What do I really enjoy doing?" The answer might be talking to

a friend, reading the paper, or listening to music. After selecting this enjoyment, make a

contract with yourself to keep doing the postponed project a minimum number of times or

length of time each day. Only reward yourself with the enjoyable thing after you have

worked on the project. No excuses.

Set time method: Setting a precise time for doing something can help a lot. For example,forcing yourself to exercise first thing in the morning could result in a habitual routine of

exercise.

Visualization method: Go anywhere to be alone. Close your eyes, completely relax, and

put all distracting thoughts out of your mind. When you're fully relaxed, think of

completing a task that you have been postponing. Try to visualize in every detail the

carrying out of that task.

Friendly partner method: Enlist the help of another person to assist you. If you find

studying difficult, join a friend who doesn't have an aversion to studying. By associating

with someone who, simply by completing the task, is a good example, you will be more

likely to tackle an unpleasant task.

Billboards method: This method requires posting little reminders around your office or

home to keep the idea of doing something on your mind. For example, "DOING GETS IT

DONE" or "DO IT NOW."Public commitment: Any task has a greater chance of being completed when you

formally commit yourself to doing it. You will be more likely to work on losing 10 pounds,

quitting smoking, or writing a book if you make a promise to do it to a friend, a spouse, an

employer, or someone else you respect and trust.

The five-minute plan: In the five-minute plan, you agree to start a project and to stay

with it for at least five minutes. At the end of that time period, you ask yourself whether

Be honest withyourself

It sometimes

takes a lot of

frank honesty

for an individual

to distinguish

between

problematic

procrastination

and healthypostponement.

One way of

determining

whether or not

you have a valid

reason for

putting

something off is

to take a piece

of paper and list

the advantages

and

disadvantages

of doing the

pending task

immediately.

The longer of

the two lists will

be an objective



you will continue for another five minutes. You don't have to work beyond the original time

period, but once the inertia builds you may find yourself wanting to.

Greedy partner method: This is a variation of the friendly partner method. In this

instance, you contract with a friend to call you any time during a prescribed interval. If at

the time of the call you are not doing a specified task, your friend wins lunch or some

other prize.

Good procrastination?

A popular misconception about procrastination is the belief that all forms of procrastination

are bad. But the only kind of procrastination that is problematic is the kind that has negative

onsequences. There are some situations in which procrastination is a good idea, including

he following:

Energy shortage: You're too tired or overextended. If you went ahead with a task under

such conditions, you'd probably use bad judgment, make a poor decision, or simply end

up having to do the job all over again. Acknowledge your limits and take time out when

you are frazzled.

Knowledge shortage: You don't have enough information to start or finish a project.

Going ahead without it could mean wasted effort in the wrong direction, such as filling out

your tax return for a fast refund without having all the documentation you need.

Trigger-happiness: You have a tendency to act impulsively. If you're angry with your

boss and you really want to go in and argue with her, putting off a meeting for a few days

will give you time to cool down and avoid a potentially self-destructive encounter.Similarly, if someone asks you to do something for him and you always say, "Sure,"

without evaluating whether you can or want to do it, tell the person, "Let me check my

calendar and call you back." Putting off an immediate answer can save you from stress

later.

Subconscious avoidance: You find that you consistently put off action in a specific

situation. Your delay may be a subconscious signal to "rethink" your involvement. If you're

putting off sending a job application, you may not really want the job. Or if you don't want

to call a boyfriend or girlfriend after repeated messages from him or her, maybe you're

ambivalent about pursuing the relationship. Asking yourself, "Is this what I really want to

do?" can help if the required action just doesn't feel "right."

Always remember that autonomy is the principle of managing the stress in your life by sizing

p the problems that come your way, fixing those problems that you can fix, and acceptinghe problems that you cannot. If you are frequently not getting what you want in life, it may

ot be that you aren't trying or aren't doing the right things. It could be that the battles you're

waging are not winnable.

basis for taking

the proper

action.

ntroducing the third LifePACT principle

n a Psychology Today editorial, Robert Epstein tells about a treasure hidden in a beat-up

walnut desk in the Old Executive Office Building in Washington, DC. Nicks and gouges are

learly visible despite several heavy coats of lacquer. But it deserves to look worn out. For

ears it served a succession of American presidents and vice presidents. That fact alonemakes it worthy of respect.

However, for those who take the time to look beyond the external flaws of this venerable old

iece of furniture, a quaint secret awaits discovery. In the softwood of the main drawer are

he signatures of all the officials who have ever sat at the desk, including Harry Truman,

Richard Nixon, Al Gore, and Hubert Humphrey. Imperfect on the outside, this worn out desk

s a lot like the people in our lives. After taking the time to look more closely, you'll be able to

nd something unique inside.

Connectedness is the LifePACT principle of managing stress through quality relationships

with other people. Supportive relationships with others reveal the treasures hidden in them.More importantly, relationships with others will reveal the many treasures that are hidden

within you.

People need people

Evaluating yoursocial network

Take stock ofyour social

network by

making several

lists. Who do

you see when

you have a

problem? When

you want to

socialize or be

challenged?

Who do you go

to when youwant

acceptance and

approval or

good advice?

When you want

to learn

something new,



You benefit in many ways from social contact. Other people act as support while you unload

he baggage of hurts and distress. Many times all you need is a sympathetic ear. By hearing

ourself speak, you'll gain a new perspective. Frustrations and fears seem less intimidating

when they have been aired in the presence of another person. Support from others

mboldens you to confront situations that you might otherwise avoid.

People who have a number of contacts and an effective support network usually do best

with change and challenges. There are relatively few things in life that you need to go

hrough alone. Reach out to others in times of uncertainty and stress. People can help by

eing a resource for relevant information, emotional support, perspective, distraction, fun,

and alternative solutions.

Different people can meet different needs. Family, friends and co-workers are all able to

meet different needs, but no one person can meet them all. Building supportive relationships

means spending more time with friends you want to know better and letting them know

ncreasingly more intimate things about yourself -- your likes and dislikes, your fears and

oals, etc.

Connectedness also means disclosing increasingly more personal information when you

ense that the other person is willing to do so as well. Finally, building supportive

elationships means that you, too, provide a supportive ear. True support is built on a

oundation of active listening and mutual self-disclosure.

f you don't have a network of people who can meet these needs, it may be because you

ave difficulty in reaching out for help. You may believe that you will be considered weak or

umb if you don't do everything on your own. An attitude of rugged individualism may have

worked for you in the past, but it's out of date in this age of interdependence. The image of

he fearless entrepreneur who faces impossible odds in a solitary quest for success is a

myth. Talk to successful business owners and they will tell you there are no self-made

millionaires. Nobody succeeds without the assistance of mentors, advisors, and supporters.

Moving forward

Autonomy solves problems by helping you distinguish between things that can be fixed and

hose things that are out of your control. Procrastination, on the other hand, is a form of poor

roblem solving. By procrastinating for no good reason, you are only postponing the

nevitable. In fact, you may be exacerbating an already stressful situation. It not only can

make you feel overwhelmed and depressed and discouraged, but it can also lead to any

umber of problems with the people in your life. But, since procrastination is a habit, it can

e changed like any other habit. As we learned in this lesson, most people can expect to

nd significant relief from procrastination by approaching problems and tasks both

ystematically and with reasonable goals.

You also learned about connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle.

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your

lace in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. In Lesson 5, we'll

ee how to build quality relationships with other people.

feel better about

yourself, or

simply to learn

what's going

on? Does one of

these lists look

skimpier than

the others? How

can this be

rectified?

Assignment #2

is not easy to work on the bad habit of reacting impulsively to stressful situations. When you are

verwhelmed by emotion, there is an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time

ou tackle a problem in this way, you're setting yourself up for needless stress. Here's a good way to

ut a stop to this kind of impulsive behavior: in moments when you are not particularly upset, rehearse

ow you want to behave when you are upset. To do this, take a "time out" and finish each of thesehree statements: When I _____ , to avoid _____ , I will _____ .

Let's give it a try by applying these statements to the following episode: Barbara has the bad habit of

inge eating whenever she is having conflicts with her boyfriend.



How would you help her finish each of these three statements?

When I am having a conflict with my boyfriend, I start to feel sad and upset and sorry for myself,1.

and I begin thinking, "What's the use, I owe it to myself to indulge myself a little . . ."

To avoid eating until I make myself sick, then feeling guilty and even worse than I did before I2.

started eating, and gaining extra pounds which are hard to lose, I'll . . .

I will ask my boyfriend, as soon as I notice we are arguing, to help us not fight. If he doesn't3.

agree, then I will . . .

Please discuss your responses with your classmates on the Message Board.

Quiz #4Question 1:

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now.

A) True

B) False

Question 2:

All of the things you put off each day only accumulate and exacerbate your stress.A) True

B) False

Question 3:

Procrastination can be caused by

A) Depression

B) A fear of failure or success

C) Feeling overloaded by work

D) All of the above

Question 4:

There is no such thing as good procrastination.

A) True

B) False

Connectedness: managing your heartTo manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your

fe. Today we'll learn how to strengthen connections with your community, including becoming assertive and

ealing with difficult people.

Learning to be assertive

Now you know that, in order to develop your newfound sense of autonomy, you'll need to

dentify and then bolster good habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action.

The major element of this LifePACT principle is dealing with bad forms of procrastination in

a productive rather than a destructive manner. No matter what your reasons for

rocrastinating, by approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, you'll be

able to find significant relief from this stressor.

You were also introduced to connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle.Managing stress through quality relationships with supportive people you enjoy spending

me with is an extremely powerful tool. In this lesson, we'll learn how to deal with difficult

eople and build a network of intimate connections and healthy relationships. But first, let's

ake a look at becoming assertive -- without being overly aggressive or defensive.

dentifying non-assertive tendencies

Assertivenesstraininginformation

The Internet is a

handy weapon

on your quest to

becoming an

assertive butsociable

individual.

Psychology

Information

Online is a font of

information. Also,

try the archive for

http://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.html





f reaching out to others is difficult for you, it may be because you're not being assertive

nough. So let's begin our discussion of connectedness by looking at an example of non-

assertiveness that most of us can relate to:

The elaborate dinner Stacie made for herself and Carlos has grown cold. Instead of being

ome at 7:00 as promised, Carlos has finally arrived at 10:30 -- the third time in two weeks

hat he has gotten home from work late. It's also the third time he has failed to let her know

hat he would be delayed. Stacie feels hurt and angry as she reheats the dinner and

repares the table. But she bottles it all up inside, thinking, "I should complain, but I don't

want him to feel I'm being petty."

Sound familiar?

Reaching out to others

Assertiveness is the quiet, purposeful expression of your feelings without being aggressive

r defensive and in a manner and tone so as to indicate that you are not about to be

manipulated, bullied, or cajoled. Instead of labeling other individuals or attacking their

pinions, assertive people rationally express all of the feelings that need to be expressed.

n other words, they avoid accumulating, or "bottling up," inner tensions.

Opportunities are lost when people bottle up their emotions, and unpleasant situations

oon become intolerable. In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more event

an trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn provokes criticism or rejection. Research

as shown that most people can be assertive in some situations while being ineffectual in

thers. Becoming assertive on a full-time basis entails a long learning process. Therefore,

ou can learn to become as assertive as you wish, depending upon the time and effort that

ou are willing to invest in acquiring the necessary skills.

Here are some tips for helping you improve your assertiveness:

Keep track of your assertiveness: Keep a log or diary for a week. Record each day

those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you

"blew it," and those you avoided altogether so that you would not have to feel

uncomfortable. This will not only help you identify patterns in your behavior but also help

chart your progress as an assertive being.

Set realistic goals: Be conservative in the goals you set. Especially in the beginning,

you'll need a lot of reinforcement to maintain efforts to improve your interpersonal skills.

So be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success.

Rehearse before you act: If possible, think about how you plan to handle a particular

situation before actually entering that situation. To do this, spend a few minutes getting

yourself calm. Then, as vividly as you can, imagine yourself going through the steps of

dealing with the person with whom you wish to be assertive. Include in your fantasy thefeelings of tension and nervousness that are likely, as well as the thoughts that you will

probably have. Follow the image all the way up to the point where you feel good about

having handled the person so effectively.

Reach out: Make it a point, as you go through your day, of expressing warm and

friendly feelings to the people that you encounter. People trying to improve their

interpersonal effectiveness often overlook this highly assertive behavior. A hug, a

compliment, a warm, firm handshake conveys to people the message, "You mean a

great deal to me at this moment."

Anticipate reactions: Your new patterns of assertiveness and confidence may be

upsetting to people who are accustomed to a more passive you. When this happens, it

sometimes is helpful to recreate in your mind the exchange that the other person took as

offensive. Perhaps in your attempt to be assertive, you went into the aggressive end of

behavior. This is not at all uncommon, so don't be dismayed by this. You may evenrealize that you're experiencing another's surprised reaction to the newly confident you!

Take care of yourself: Become an advocate for yourself. Don't put up with putting

yourself down. The human machine works best when uncluttered with negative material.

It's OK to be a fair judge of your own behavior, but don't go overboard in the process.

Start catching yourself when you engage in self-put-down behavior. Replace these

messages immediately with positive, self-confident ones.

Expect lapses: Don't get discouraged if, after a few weeks of doing well, you find

assertiveness

training

information at

Selfgrowth.com.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/assert.html



yourself slipping into some of your old habits again. That is pretty typical of most people

learning any new skill. Simply learn what you can from these slips and get back on the

program.

By developing a proactive and assertive self you'll be able to create and foster a supportive

ocial network. As we'll see in the next section, assertiveness can help you deal with

ifficult people while also furthering intimate connections.

Dealing with difficult people and building intimate connections

There is a dark side of interpersonal relationships as well. While people can be supportive

and nurturing, they can also be difficult and draining. These difficult people are everywhere.

Any occupation or activity that involves interacting with a group has the potential to lead to

nterpersonal stress.

A difficult person is anyone who evokes in you a negative emotion such as anger, guilt,

adness, or anxiety. The problem needing to be fixed is a negative emotion, which has

een evoked by a gap between how we want things to be and how they actually are. The

oal is to alleviate the negative feeling by closing the gap between what we want and what

we have.

One way to do this is to adjust our expectations so that they are more in line with what we

are experiencing. Another approach is to accept the negative feelings and move on to

omeone or something else. A third, but less effective, option is to try to change the

ehavior of the other person so they begin to behave like we would like them to behave.

Skillfulness in dealing with the difficult is a seamless meshing of the private victory of self-

management and the public victory of effectively relating to others. Here are some tips on

ealing with difficult people:

Keep difficult people in perspective: Don't dignify their behavior by taking them too

seriously. Their offensive behavior is their problem, not yours. Don't allow them to ruin

your mood.

Don't expect them to change: They usually won't. In a way, that's good. Because they

are more predictable, you can plan ahead and prepare your tactics for the next time you

meet.

Respond as well as listen: Come forward and state that you feel upset, annoyed, or

enraged. No one can read your mind. Sometimes the offense is unintentional and easily

resolved.

Manage yourself first: Take control of yourself if you find your feelings getting too

intense. Go somewhere to vent your feelings and cool off. Think about the result you

want. That will help you let go of the hurt.

Stay calm and unemotional: Be straightforward and matter-of-fact. The more you do

this, the more respect you'll gain. Don't continue a conversation with anyone who

refuses to give you the courtesy you deserve. Remember that you have options, such asasking for politeness or leaving the room.

Be gracious: Someone else's rudeness doesn't give you the right to be rude. You can

turn a bad situation to your advantage by disarming the offenders with the kind of

kindness you'd like to be shown and allowing others to feel important.

Give and request feedback: Don't stew about what someone else is thinking -- ask.

Use open-ended questions to let emotional people vent their feelings before you try to

reason with them. When you link your objectives with another's wants, you both will win

something.

Be patient with yourself: Let your goal be to become a human relations expert. Look at

each exchange, whether good or bad, as a new lesson in your course on how to deal

with others. Distance yourself from the fray in highly charged situations and marvel at

the fascinating complexity and variety of human behavior.

Become a role model: Let your day-to-day behavior be an example to others of thevalue and power of assertive respect and dignity in interpersonal dealings. Others will

grow to admire, respect, and recognize you for the personal power you possess.

Although becoming an assertive social being is not an easy task, always remember that

ou have an entire lifetime in which you can continue to improve. Next, let's see how we

an begin to build intimate connections with others.

Anything you'dlike to add?

As unique and

vibrant

individuals, we all

look for different

things in a

relationship. Do

you feel that this

discussion has

left somethingout? What would

you add to it?

What do you look

for in a

relationship? Do

they end up

emulating your

vision, or do they

become difficult

and disappoint?

Will your

newfound sense

of assertivenesshelp you achieve

your relationship

goals? Go to the

Message Board

and talk about it.



ntimate connections

Perhaps the most important connection you will make is with a life partner. What follows

are several characteristics common to most good intimate relationships:

Both partners feel they are getting most of what they want from the relationship.

Both partners are productive in ways that are important to them as individuals. Some

experience individual productiveness through professional careers or hobbies. Others

experience it by being in charge of the home and family.

Both partners are comfortable about sharing their satisfactions with one another, now as

well as in times to come.

Both partners are comfortable about sharing the tasks and trials that are unpleasant to

the other.

Both partners get satisfaction from being supportive to each other.

Both partners have the ability and willingness to adapt to the never-ending changes and

circumstances that affect the relationship.

Now that we know what to look for in a supportive, loving and truly intimate relationship,

et's see how we can begin to nurture a healthy network of friends and family.

Fostering healthy relationships

A rewarding relationship doesn't just happen. It requires skill and commitment. Merely

taying together won't strengthen your feelings for each other. It requires daily effort. The

ollowing tips have proven to assist other couples:

Encourage each other often: Make it a practice to encourage your partner daily.

Nobody ever gets enough positive feedback. It seems simple, but the most common

complaint among couples is that each is not appreciated by the other. In lasting

relationships, partners make an effort to value and encourage one another.

Communicate openly and honestly: Be open and willing to share your thoughts and

feelings, as well as to listen to your partner. Since sharing is more appropriate at certain

times than others, sometimes it is wise to postpone a discussion.Deal with conflict: Life involves conflict. In healthy relationships, couples can manage

and respond to conflict in effective ways. Believe that you can work out your problems

together. Then invest the time and do it.

Develop the courage to be imperfect: Be willing to apologize. The forgiveness process

should not dwell on the past but focus on "Where do we go from here?"

Support each other fully: Provide consistent and dependable support. Learn to

suspend judgment and provide encouragement even when your partner's goals

temporarily conflict with your best interests.

Develop regular times for fun each week: Schedule time to be alone with each other.

Fun should be a weekly, even a daily, activity.

Manage your relationship: Hold partners' meetings. Prepare a short agenda of things

you want to discuss. This can range from decisions that have to be made, plans that

have to be confirmed, or anything that may be bothering either one of you. Renegotiateagreements around partner issues that may have unraveled or for which circumstances

have changed.

Develop shared dreams, goals, and interests: Shared dreams and interests provide

opportunity for conversation and mutual enjoyment. Couples with shared goals are less

disturbed by minor or major crises.

Be self-accepting: The more you accept yourself, the more you will accept your

partner. Mutual self-acceptance promotes both personal growth and growth of the

relationship.

Adopt realistic expectations: Society fosters unrealistic, romantic expectations of

relationships. Even in the best relationships some dreams and expectations go

unfulfilled. Always be honest and realistic with yourself when assessing relationships.

Protect your investment: Think of your relationship as a highly valued enterprise.

Nurture a relationship by giving it the time and attention it needs to grow. Since there's

so much at stake, also be willing to repair it when it needs fixing.

Supportive relationships are created. They don't just happen. They take effort and

ompromise.

Barriers tosuccessfulrelationships

To move toward

better

relationships,

partners must

imagine and

specifically define

what the new andhappier

relationship will

be like before

acting. There are

many barriers to

completing this

process,

including pride,

anxiety about --

and an inherent

resistance to --

change, and a

simple lack ofskill in creating

desired

relationships.

Which barriers

are hindering

you? How might

assertiveness

help you

eliminate these

barriers from

your life?

Stay in touch

Open lines of

communication

are a cornerstone

of healthy



How to build your social network

Here are three steps you can take to achieve rewarding connections with others:

The first step: learning to like yourself

Stop abusing and neglecting yourself and start treating yourself in a more

loving and responsible way. Make a commitment to get creatively and

productively involved in life. Give up the habit of putting yourself down and

learn to think about yourself in a more realistic and compassionate manner.

Get rid of certain self-defeating attitudes and develop a healthier and more

positive personal value system. Look attractive. Make yourself look terrific.

Think attractive. Think about yourself in a positive way. Stop saying, "I can't."

The second step: getting organized

Think of things you used to enjoy doing in the past. Why don't you do them

now? Do something you've been putting off doing, such as balancing your

checkbook, writing letters, etc. Do something for self-improvement, such as

dieting, jogging, or exercising. Develop a talent or skill. Start a hobby. When

you begin thinking along these lines, you'll realize that your options are

endless.

But don't wait until you feel like it before acting. Make a schedule of what you

want to do and keep to it. This will give you things to look forward to and

counteract the tendency to sit around and feel bad.

The third step: reaching out

Do something for others. Get involved in charitable activities or volunteer

work. Think of people in your neighborhood who are lonely, ill, or troubled

and then do something for them.

Moving forward

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage

our place in the community of fellow human beings with whom you live your life. The first

tep in this learning process is to become assertive. By reaching out to others, you'll not

nly be able to deal with difficult people, but you'll also be able to build quality relationships

as well.

Anything unfamiliar to you will seem awkward and unnatural at first. Overcome the

endency to avoid risk-taking in initiating social contacts and go where all the people are.

Practice smiling. During the next week, smile at a minimum of three strangers a day.

Practice saying hello. Once you're comfortable with smiling at strangers, start saying hello

o them. Begin by smiling and saying hello to three strangers every day for the first week.

Give compliments. To begin with, give ten compliments in the first week.

n Lesson 6 we'll see that, in addition to the above, you'll be able to deal with the physical

aspects of stress by toning your body.

relationships.

Keep yourself in

touch by having

your handheld

PC available at

all times.

Quiz #5Question 1:

Managing stress through quality relationships with supportive people you enjoy spending time with is

n extremely powerful tool.

A) True

B) False



Question 2:

Assertive people label other individuals and attack their opinions.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:

Becoming an assertive social being is an easy task so you should be able to improve this aspect of

your personality very quickly.

A) TrueB) False

Question 4:

Supportive relationships are created. They don't just happen. They take effort and compromise.

A) True

B) False

Tone: melding your body and spiritYour body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the LifePACT principle of taking care of this

ehicle. By developing a proper tone, you'll find the key factors for dealing with the physical demands of

managing stress.

Understanding your body's needs

We previously learned the importance of creating an external social network in which to

romote our emotional stability and well being. But in order to alleviate the negative effects of

tress more comprehensively, you'll also need to take into account the needs of your own body

and its internal processes. When you live your life with the belief that your body will never

reak down, when day after day you neglect your needs for proper nutrition, rest, and exercise,

's only a matter of time before you collide with the iceberg of poor health, burnout, and even

remature death.

Your body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the LifePACT principle of

aking care of this vehicle. By developing a proper tone, you'll find the key factors for dealing

with the physical, and thus emotional, demands of managing stress.

The chemistry of stress

Stress is a physiological event. When you are confronted with a demand or change that

equires you to cope, physical, chemical, and psychological changes occur. Adrenal and

ituitary glands produce ACTH, cortisol, and cortisone. This shot of adrenaline stimulates youreart to pump blood faster and releases stress hormones, making you feel alert and ready for

action.

Your arteries constrict and pressure causes blood to go to large muscle groups allowing you to

move quickly. Your stomach shuts down and digestion slows. Your liver releases seven times

he normal amount of fats, cholesterol, and blood sugars to give you a vast resource of energy

hat can be tapped upon demand. Your breathing becomes shallow, and your vision and

earing become more acute.

n other words, you are physically and psychologically wired for action! The more often you are

tressed, the more frequently this elaborate life-preserving instinct is mobilized. While the

rinciples of perspective, autonomy, and connectedness can bring you some relief, it is tone

hat goes right to the physical center of your stress.

Tune in to your body



You may be one of the many people who don't even realize that they are carrying a lot of

ension in their body. To become more aware when tension is building up, check throughout

he day for signals your body sends you. That throbbing headache is one sign. An

mbarrassing facial tic that starts up when you are in the middle of a conversation is another

ndicator. Neck aches, hives, clammy hands, and stomach pains all point toward tension

uildup. Don't ignore other signs such as tapping your foot, drumming your fingers, or

epeatedly jabbing the elevator button.

Let's take a look at some practical ways in which the principle of tone can help you manage

oth the emotional and physical aspects of stress.

Calming the body: progressive relaxation

Since you cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time, relaxing the muscles of your body is

he most direct way of relieving stress. As you learn to relax, you will find that you will have

more energy, you will be able to fall asleep more easily, and your sleep will be deeper and

more restful. In addition, you'll have a general increase in your mental alertness.

Talking you through the steps

Here's how you can begin to just kick back and let everything go:

First you must schedule at least a half-hour (or even better, a whole hour) in which you can

disappear" each and every day. Then choose a quiet, darkened room where you will not be

nterrupted. Do not try too hard to relax; allow it to develop. Effort is the opposite of relaxation

and relaxation cannot be forced.

You will find it very helpful either to have someone read you the following script or to record it,

ither in your voice or in the voice of your support person or other loved one:

Take a deep breath. Hold it. (Pause.) Feel it all the way down in your stomach

when you exhale. Curl your toes. Hold it. Wait for some tension to develop.

(Pause.) Let the tension go. (Pause.) Tighten your calf muscles. Hold it. (Pause.)

Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten your muscles in your thighs

and upper legs. (Pause.) Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.)

Feel the tension drain out of your upper legs. (Pause.) Relax.

Now tighten your back muscles. Arch your back. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the

tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your back. (Pause.) Relax.

Tighten your abdominal muscles by slightly raising the head and slightly raising

the feet. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension

drain out of your abdomen. (Pause.) Relax. Take a deep breath. Hold it. (Pause.)

Feel it all the way down in your stomach when you exhale.

Tighten the muscles in your hands. Make a fist with both hands. Hold it. (Pause.)

Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your hands.

(Pause.) Relax. Tighten the muscles in your arms. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let

the tension go. Feel the tension drain out of your arms. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten

the muscles in your shoulders. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go.

(Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your shoulders. (Pause.) Relax.

Direct your attention to your neck. Raise your head slightly until some tensiondevelops. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension

drain out of the muscles in your neck. (Pause.) Relax.

Direct your attention to your face. Squint your eyes. Wrinkle your nose. Clench

your teeth. Tighten your mouth. Raise your eyebrows. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax.

Feel the tension drain out of your face, all the way from your forehead, out from

Relax in thecar

Commuting is

particularly

stressful.

Take

advantage ofred lights or

slow progress

by relaxing.

Grip your

steering

wheel as tight

as you can,

hold that grip

for a few

seconds,

before

releasing it.

Then grip thetop of the

steering

wheel and

pull your body

forward. Keep

your lower

back and

buttocks

against the

back of the

seat. Music

can be a

great help.

What type of

music do you

listen to while

driving?



your eyes, out from your nose, out from your cheeks, out from your mouth, out

from your lips, out from your tongue, out from your jaw. Let all the tension go.

(Pause.) Relax.

Take a deep breath. Exhale and allow the entire body to come to a state of

comfortable relaxation. Let any remaining tension drain away. Then let it drain

away even more. (Pause.) Feel your entire body relaxed and comfortable and at

peace.

f you tighten up your body first, as you did in this exercise, it's easier to recognize relaxation

when progressively tightening and then relaxing muscle groups. Your eventual goal, though, is

o be able to relax without tightening your muscles first.

This technique can be tailored to a variety of situations and used throughout your day. You

an, for example, learn to relax at your desk.

Relax at your desk

Once you are at the office, there are a number of things you can do to mitigate the negative

ffects of stress.

Wad up a piece of paper in each fist. Squeeze it as hard as you can before releasing.

Spread your fingers and lay them palm down on your desk. Tighten your shoulders and

upper back muscles as you push down on the desk.

Bring to mind a serene scene of yourself at the beach or in your backyard hammock. Rest

your chin upon your chest. While doing this, open your mouth so your lower jaw droops

slightly. Hold this position for about 10 seconds. For obvious reasons, make sure you're

alone before trying this.

Perhaps the easiest way to relax is to take three or four deep breaths. Hold each breath and

exhale slowly as you say to yourself "Calm" or "Relax."

Make it a point to get up and walk around outside for even a few minutes after or during

lunch. Not only will you burn off the calories you have consumed but you will also unwind

from the tensions of the morning.

No matter how successful we are in reducing the physical aspects of stress, there will always

e times where we feel burned out or run down. Let's see how we can recharge our batteries

n order to face yet another day.

Recharging your batteries

Not only can you relax your body, but you also have the ability to recharge your run-down

atteries, too. Here are some tips:

Proper rest

The most underrated epidemic in our society today is sleep deprivation. You're typical if you

orrow from your sleep time when you need a few minutes at the end of the day to wrap up a

roject, finish the laundry, or make a run to the all-night grocery store. If you've ever wondered

ow important sleep is to you, just watch how you act the day after a sleepless night. Cheating

our sleep is an open invitation for stress and all the things that come with it, so be sure to get

our rest.

Sleeplessness is a different kind of a problem. Turn your insomnia into an opportunity. Rather

han resenting the inability to fall asleep, keep handy a particularly interesting book or

magazine and treat yourself to some special reading. Read until you feel drowsy, then allow

ourself to drift away.

Exercise

Mentalgrazing

Some people

have

improved

their lives by

replacing the

traditional

three large

daily meals

with several

small ones.

It's called

grazing. Why

not nurtureyour mental

health the

same way?

Throughout

the day, set

aside some

time to sit and



You probably knew this one was coming. Nothing has been more consistently proven as

eneficial for dealing with stress than regular exercise. Exercise will build your physical

esilience, strengthen your immune system, keep down your weight, and improve your overall

njoyment of life.

You must find a form of exercise that is enjoyable and fairly accessible to you. For some this is

walking; for others, it's cycling. Whatever it is, though, you are more likely to stick with it if it is

omething you enjoy -- something you do only for its own sake. Each of us has a favorite

method of exercising. Which do you prefer?

Time alone

Time alone is a great way to recharge. It's a time to read and learn and think and rest. There

are a variety of ways for doing this. A participant in one of my workshops reported that he

egularly takes a day off from work to spend in his "boat bed." He explained that he would load

is bed with videos, magazines, and music. He would take the phone off the hook and either

over or remove the clocks. He would spend the entire day in bed, pretending he was in a boat

at sea, alternately reading, enjoying movies and music, or snoozing. He went back to work

efreshed and with a new spirit of enthusiasm.

Some people set their alarms to get up one hour earlier in the morning. This gives them alock of time to be alone before the rest of the household is up. They watch the sunrise, read

nspirational material, meditate, or just sit and enjoy the silence of a new day.

Cruise control

Regain your composure by taking the car out for a cruise. Drive through new neighborhoods or

a park. Go out into the country, put some nice music on the radio, or just meander about town

or a while. A good friend remembers the trips he took in his childhood with his father. His face

was glued to the window watching the blur of scenery flying by. His father's mission was to just

et to the destination. There was never any time to stop along the way to explore an interesting

andmark or look around. If you are living your life with the pedal to the metal, take the time tolow down, look around, and smell the flowers along the way.

Moderate your drinking

Alcohol is a drug that, when used in moderation, has many benefits. For many people drinking

and socializing go hand in hand. But as you know, alcohol can also be abused. Here are some

deas for using alcohol responsibly:

Start in neutral: Don't have a drink before heading off to a party or reception. That's a trap

many couples fall into. While the woman is putting on last-minute make-up, the man mixes

himself a drink. Not smart. You'll have plenty of time to drink once you're at the party.Stop early: Probably the biggest mistake that social drinkers make is not knowing when to

stop. You don't have to drink right up to the last call. Set an absolute cut-off time before you

go to a party. Drink only nonalcoholic beverages after that.

Start late: The opposite tactic works just as well -- perhaps better. Come to the party late,

and don't start drinking the minute you get there. You might want to establish a new routine

for yourself by setting a time of day before which you will absolutely not have a drink.

Switch on and off: To dilute alcohol's affects, drink an eight-ounce glass of water before

each drink.

Someone's watching you: A good way to keep yourself from having too much is to remind

yourself constantly of your professional stature. While you may forget it momentarily at a

party, others won't. Always maintain a professional decorum.

Set the tone: If you want to avoid a boozy meal, take the initiative when the waiter comes to

the table. Order a Perrier or a wine spritzer. That way you may feel less conspicuous ifeveryone else has ordered liquor before it's your turn to order.

Keep it light and make it festive: In some cases, you may just feel like having something a

little stronger than soda water. If so, be sensible about it. You don't have to order a drink

that's going to knock your socks off. A light beer may be a better idea.

While we are on the subject of watching your drinking, caffeine's another drug you should

moderate. If ou et headaches when ou miss our coffee, ou are robabl addicted. The

be quiet for a

few minutes.

Don't wait

until your

body tells you

that it's

tense.



affeine in coffee, tea, colas, and chocolate is a strong stimulant that causes your body to be

tressed.

Cut down gradually over a three-week period, perhaps eliminating one cup of coffee each day.

Then see what you feel like without it for a while. Either moderate your caffeine consumption or

liminate caffeine altogether. You'll feel more relaxed, sleep better, feel less jittery throughout

he day, and have more energy.

Laugh and play

Do you remember your favorite toy or the games you played as a child? Hide-and-seek was

ne of my favorites. I still play it with my children today. Watching children at play can teach

ou some things you may have forgotten. When my daughter is outside playing, she stops to

xamine whatever catches her eye. Children seem oblivious of time when active. They operate

n what is called "event time." Things happen when they happen.

Laughter is one of the most effective ways to manage stress. Cultivate the habit of taking

ourself less seriously and you will find you have less stress. There is scientific proof of the

tress-reducing impact of laughter. Laughter can even help you boost your immune system.

This, in turn, means that you will be less prone to colds and flu.

Moving forward

Bottling up your intense feelings leads to both emotional and physical pressure. And, whether

ou are aware of this pressure or not, it must be dealt with and dissipated. If you don't, you are

etting yourself up to becoming a "time bomb," ready to go off at any second when another

tressor, no matter how small, occurs.

Tone will help you take care of your body, which is the vehicle that takes you on your journey

hrough life. The tips in this lesson were designed to help you develop a proper tone so you

an overcome the tension in your body and achieve a state of physical relaxation andmotional ease. In the next lesson we will learn how to put the LifePACT model's principles of

erspective, autonomy, connectedness and tone together to balance all of the personal and

rofessional demands besetting you.

Quiz #6Question 1:

When dealing with stress, you only have to worry about your emotional well-being.

A) True

B) False

Question 2:

Relaxing the muscles of your body is the most direct way of relieving stress.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:

f you have trouble relaxing, just bear down and try even harder.

A) True

B) False

Question 4:

You can only use progressive relaxation techniques while alone, at home.

A) True

B) False



Putting it all togetherBy managing your mind, hands, and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that acts as one, enabling you

o master your emotions. This lesson puts the four principles of the LifePACT model together to balance

ersonal and professional demands.

Balancing personal and professional demands

The previous lesson was designed to help you develop a proper tone so you can overcome

he tension in your body and achieve a state of relaxation and ease. You'll find that, by using

he LifePACT model to define your principles for lifestyle management, you'll be able tomaximize the benefits of stress while mitigating its costs. By managing your mind, hands and

eart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that acts as one, enabling you to master your

motions.

Today we'll learn how to put the LifePACT model's principles together so that you can begin

o balance all of your personal and professional demands.

The importance of balance

The hottest topic in personal growth books today is balance. So consider yourself in goodompany if you want to find greater competence in juggling your time and energies. The

mage of the individual flawlessly and effortlessly attending to the demands of family life,

ocial life, and community life while still having time for herself is a figment of our collective

magination.

People who find a balance in their lives -- who utilize their time for work, family, and personal

eeds -- have less stress, are more at ease, eat and sleep better, and enjoy greater rewards

n their interpersonal lives. One major reality makes the achievement of perfect balance a

ifficult challenge. Let's take a look at it.

Pacingyourself

Do you pace

yourself

throughout the

day? Pay

attention to

your natural

rhythms. When

do you perform

best?

Schedule your

most difficult

tasks for thattime. Also try

to set up your

day so that you

shift back and

forth between

pleasurable

and difficult

tasks. Take

small breaks

throughout the

day in order to

prevent the

symptoms oftension and

stress.

Barriers to achieving balance

One barrier to achieving balance is the multitude of external demands being thrust upon you.

As a child, your network of social responsibilities was limited to your family and school. But as

ou mature, your life became more socially cluttered. Maybe you found a life partner, had

hildren, or landed a job in the private sector. Maybe all of the above! Simply put, the older

ou get, the greater the number of people who occupy room in your life.

People who depend on you for some type of support are called stakeholders . The problem

with the accumulation of stakeholders is that generally when you get a new one, you don't get

d of an old one. It's much like getting new Christmas ornaments. Just add one or two new

rnaments to your collection each year: in no time, you're going to have trouble finding room

or them on the tree.

Typically, by the time you're an adult, you have a crowd of people looking to you for emotional

upport, to do certain tasks, or to just have fun with. A life rich with stakeholders wouldn't be a

roblem if it weren't for one thing: Each stakeholder wants all of you.

When everybody wants you

Many stakeholders don't know how to share. Remember that teacher who always gave you

oo much homework? Didn't he realize you were taking other courses that also demanded

our time and energy? Although you might never have confronted him, if you had there's a

Managing jobstress

Job-related

tensions neednot carry over

into the other

aspects of your

life. By

identifying your

sources of job

stress then

motivating

yourself to take

control of

these

stressors, youwill have a

greater chance

of pacing and

balancing

yourself.

Kee in the



ery good chance he would have said: "I don't care."

Stakeholders are the same way. Work doesn't care that you have a family and family doesn't

are that you have a career. Church or other community groups don't care that you have

another life apart from their activities. They all want everything you are willing to give. Step

ack and listen to this litany of everyday demands:

The boss says, "Don't let me down, I'm counting on you" while your staff says, "What about

s? We have rights too" and your customers are saying, "Faster, cheaper, better." When you

et home your spouse is asking, "What about us, don't you care?" Your kids are screaming,

Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy!" And in the midst of all this, you hear your own voice

aying, "Slow down, relax, take care of yourself." Does this situation sound familiar?

f there were just one voice, you could respond to it and feel that you had fulfilled your

esponsibilities. But it's rare that you get the luxury of dealing with just one demand. More

ften, there are multiple stakeholders demanding your attention. By trying to meet the

emands of all the stakeholders in your life, it's easy to lose sight of what is really important to

ou. The result is that your life begins to wobble. You have, in other words, lost your balance.

dentifying imbalance

mbalance is generally easy to spot. For instance, when your tires are out of balance, the

whole car is affected. When your checkbook is not balanced, you'll find out about that soon

nough. When the tightrope walker loses his balance, the crowd gasps and hopes he can

ecover. But a life out of balance is a slow boil. It may be years before the problem is

apparent enough to register on your radar screen. You may even be the last person to realize

. Let's take a look at the following example of a life out of whack:

Gary loves his family. He also loves his work. Lately, he has not been

successful in giving equal amounts of attention to both priorities. He's on a fast

track at work. The more he does, the more recognition he gets. The more

recognition he gets, the more hours he puts in. Due to frequent conflicts with hiswife, Gary is now spending time at work even when there's no pressing need to

do so. He wonders how things got to this point.

Clearly Gary's life is unbalanced. He is spending far more than 40 hours out of each week on

is career. Also, even when he's not at work, he's taking time dressing for work, commuting

o work, thinking about work, and decompressing after work. Although he may be a star at the

ffice, the rest of his existence is withering. In other words, he's on a gradual downhill

rajectory. The very pattern that is earning him accolades today will ironically lead to a decline

n Gary's health, peace of mind, and, ultimately, his productivity.

f life were perfect you would have a job that offered enough challenge to be interesting,nough ease to be enjoyable, enough fellowship to be nourishing, enough money to pay the

ills, and that still left you enough hours to spend on your relationships and self-renewal. But

hat's not the real world. The real world is a place where trying to have it all can mean losing it

all. It's full of compromises and consequences for the choices you make. Let's look at some

ways we can achieve the highly-sought prize of balance.

stakeholdershappy

Being

proactive in

your job

training is a

great way to

demonstrate to

your bosses

your

commitment to

your career.

Training

services have

never been

easier to

purchase or to

implement,

thanks to HP.

Ways to achieve balance

Effective stress management requires that you establish boundaries between the different

arenas of your life: Personal, work, family, and goals. Here are some ideas for keeping thetress of work from infiltrating and contaminating other parts of your life.

Creating lists

As the workday draws to a close, you may be facing the next day with a vague sense of

Don'toverspend

yourself

There is a

happy medium

somewhere

between

saying "yes"



read that can very easily be brought home. If you feel overwhelmed by the tasks you need to

nish, try to dissolve the dread by translating your free-floating anxiety into specific goals. List

all the tasks you need to do the next day. Then look at your list. Are there any tasks that can

e delegated? Any that can be handled later in the week? Finally, assign a priority to each

ask and a preferred time of day to tackle it and then start cracking.

Visualize

Another way of dealing with unfinished business is to use the same list of tasks and to close

our eyes and imagine yourself finishing them. See yourself shaking hands with an interested

lient after your presentation. Then picture yourself coming to the bottom of your in-basket.

End your day with a vision of yourself completing tomorrow's work. This kind of relief from

nfinished business can be a powerful tool in your successful passage from work to home.

Stop!

Consider Steven's situation. His job involves giving monthly reports to the senior

management team in a large organization. For days before his presentation, Steven would

always be haunted by doubts: "Will I stammer? What if I don't know the answers to their

uestions?" When you are preoccupied with similar fears, try saying loudly, "Stop!" This

ommand interrupts your negative review of the day or preview of the future and offers thepportunity to redirect your thinking.

Slow down and reorganize

At 4:15 you may find yourself doing your most demanding work. When your day ends with a

everish finale, you probably will carry that intensity with you all the way home. Instead, why

ot schedule the least-demanding tasks for your last hour in the office? Listen to soothing

music, consult your next day's schedule, return phone calls, use the copy machine, proofread

etters. In this way, you will be able to change the focus from your task-oriented day so that

ou can have a relaxed and spontaneous evening.

Uninvited guests

Each workday brings intense encounters with difficult or disturbing people. These people tend

o become uninvited guests in your mind, which you then bring home with you. The key to

ectifying this problem is by creating a distance from the close encounters of the day. Ask

ourself, "When I left work today, what were the my strongest feelings about the difficult

eople I encountered?" Then consider a number of words that might describe these feelings.

Frustration, anger, and confusion are common negative feelings in the work arena. By

abeling your feelings, you are beginning to prevent them from interfering with your personal

fe.

Choose your responsibilities wisely

Have you ever left a buffet line with a plate embarrassingly overloaded with food? It all looked

o good you didn't know what to pass by.

Life presents you with many options, and it is sometimes difficult to choose between them.

The best stress managers have a deep sense of commitment. They make commitments to

he things that truly matter to them and then spend their time and energy on those

ommitments. For some, this means owning a large home. For others, it means lots of leisure

me. Still others value financial security or their children's future above all else.

As we'll see next, what is important is that you take stock of your values and choose

ommitments that are consistent with them.

whenever you

are asked to

do something

for someone

else regardless

of the personal

cost, and

saying "no" to

all requests.

Although you

should be

something toeveryone,

recognize your

limits and

realize that you

can't be

everything to

everyone.

Findingbalance atwork

Balance your

hardware while

you're

balancing your

professional

and personal

lives. HP

multifunction

printers allow

you to

substantially

reduce costs,increase

productivity,

and improve

workflow.



Managing your social behavior

Periodically take stock of your life, including your achievements, your activities, and your

elationships. Then evaluate where you are going. What are your goals and aspirations?

Where do you see yourself in the future? It is not uncommon to set out for a particular goal

and forget what it was along the way. When you lose sight of your purpose, you risk

ecoming compulsive. In other words, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing!

Below we'll see how this can be accomplished.

Take time to recharge

ust as you add more cash to your bank account to avoid being overdrawn, you can add

nergy to your emotional bank account. Recharge your personal resources by participating in

activities that energize, refresh, and fulfill. These include participating in spiritual activities,

eremonies, or personal reflection; rewarding yourself when you are happy with your efforts;

reating yourself to something special; telling yourself you're a good and worthy person;

xpressing your needs and asserting yourself to obtain those needs; and laughing with others

ach and every day.

Set priorities

Ultimately there are just three priorities: Work, relationships, and self. When you wake up in

he morning you are given a pie. This pie is equal to the amount of energy you have for the

est of the day. You only have one pie per day. Every Sunday, take time to reflect on how you

will divide the pies for the coming week. Each weekday morning take a few minutes to decide

what slice of your pie will go to work, which slice to relationships, and which slice to yourself.

Take something off your plate

Learning to say "no" is the single most important thing a person can do to bring order to his or

er life. Don't be afraid to remove things from your overloaded plate. Not everything has

qual value. Discriminate between what is worth doing well, what is worth just doing, andwhat is not worth doing at all. Don't say "yes" right away. Stall by asking, "Can I get back to

ou on that?" Then consider carefully what you will take off your plate if you add another thing

o it before replying.

Remember your legacy and be realistic

Which inscription will be placed on your tombstone: "Beloved Parent, Brother, and Husband"

r "Off to Another Meeting"? Make lists of the roles you play in your life; for instance, your

elationships with your father, mother, son, daughter, etc. For each role, ask yourself, "How

o I want to be remembered by the people who depend on me?"

Cultivate a sharing attitude with your spouse

Sit down periodically with your significant other and discuss what you can do for mutual

upport in your respective jobs, at home, and at work. Many husbands and wives report great

elief when their partners lend an ear to their complaints, offer a sounding board, and give

advice and encouragement.

is impossible to reach an ideal in both family and job. Aim for the best balance among your

arious activities. Don't expect to be a perfect spouse or parent. Lower your standards on the

ome front and accept some degree of disorder around the house.

Do something for yourself

The remarkable thing about taking care of yourself is that it is the most unselfish thing you

an do. Have a "just for me" fund of money to spend each month on a new book, some new

Commonforms ofstress

Everyone

suffers from

anger, worry

and the blues.

All of us have

a variety ofunique ways of

dealing them.

What do you

do when you

get angry?

Were you able

to vent it in a

healthy

manner? Why

or why not?

What about

when you wereoverly worried?

And when you

had the blues?

Do you think

you can start

applying the

LifePACT

model to them

right now?

How would you

begin?



lothes, a new CD, or some other tangible reward for working so hard at meeting your

esponsibilities and fulfilling multiple roles. The refreshing benefits of these rewards will

ncrease your tolerance and make you a more giving person.

Moving forward

You don't have to give up the intellectual, emotional, and financial rewards that go with

rofessional success to achieve balance, but there are tradeoffs and tough choices. In

ringing greater order and moderation to your life, you will find you can deal more effectively

with problems. Your productivity will increase dramatically and you'll gain higher self-esteem

and confidence. Most importantly you will have the energy and clarity of mind and spirit to

ontinue to grow towards your full potential.

Balance is not a static condition that you can possess and preserve. It is an activity that you

ontinually engage in as you make mid-course corrections throughout your life. In the next

esson we will explore anger, worry, and the blues, which are the three most common forms

f stress. We'll then conclude our course with tips on how to have a great day everyday.

Quiz #7Question 1:

The image of the individual flawlessly and effortlessly attending to the demands of family life, social life,nd community life while still having personal time is something we should strive for.

A) True

B) False

Question 2:

People dependent on you for some type of support are called triggers, also commonly called

ranslators.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:

A great way to combat the negative effects of stress is by leveling the boundaries separating your

personal, business, and family lives.

A) True

B) False

Question 4:

You can manage your social behavior by:

A) Partying all the time!

B) Keeping everyone in your life at arm's length

C) Trying to maximize your intimacy with as many people as you possibly can as fast as possible

D) None of the above

Managing your emotions every dayn this final lesson, we'll explore the three main forms of emotional stress -- anger, worry, and the blues. Then

we'll discuss strategies for improving your daily life so you can balance your emotions and keep your life on an

ven keel.

Managing your emotions

n this, our final lesson, we'll learn that there are three main forms of emotional stress --

anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for keeping your life on an even

eel. The LifePACT model can help you balance your emotions so that you can channel them

nto dealing with the daily pressures that push and pull you in all directions.

Managing anger



Everybody gets mad. Anger is a natural human emotion. It's nature's way of empowering us

o "ward off" our perception of an attack or threat to our general well being. When handled

onstructively, anger brings about progressive change, stops injustices, and rights all sorts of

wrongs. But just like any other form of stress, anger can cut two ways. One out of five

Americans has an anger management problem. For them, anger is a destructive force. It

ccurs too often, lasts too long, is too intense, and can lead to consequences that are

estructive.

Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few

xamples of what happens when anger is mismanaged. What's more, anger can give you a

oronary. Recent studies have found that people who are highly anger-prone are nearly three

mes more likely to have a heart attack.

Anger is something everybody experiences, but it's still a very misunderstood emotion.

Contrary to popular belief, letting your anger out is not always the best policy. In fact,

xpressing your anger often makes you angrier. Even talking to someone else about the

errible things your partner does to make you angry often entrenches you in a negative

attitude toward your partner. Keeping some of your angry feelings to yourself won't give you

an ulcer. It is likely to make you a more tolerant person. What it comes down to is that the

roblem is not anger in and of itself; the problem is the mismanagement of anger.

How would you apply the LifePACT model to improve your anger management skills?

Managing worry

There's literally no limit to the things you can worry about. The most common involve

nances, diseases or safety issues, family problems, relationships, and work. Surveys tell us

hat practically everyone worries at least sometimes about some of these things. You can

worry about anything. For instance, if you walk across the street, a car might hit you. If you

ry to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. You

an go on and on for hours spinning your wheels like this, getting nowhere.

ust remember that not all worry is bad. The good kind of worry is called adaptive worry.

Without it you would not be able to hold a job, make and maintain wholesome social

onnections, use money wisely, or do any of the other things necessary to function in society.

Adaptive worry functions as a problem solving mechanism, energizing you to close the gaps

etween what you want and what you are getting from life.

Excessive worry is stressful worry, which is entirely devoid of problem solving. It is the habit

f ruining perfectly good moments of your day with pointless exaggerations of impending

oom and gloom. You may think you are solving problems. In reality, though, you're just

etting yourself needlessly distressed without any progress toward resolving the object ofworry. The next time you find yourself worrying excessively, try applying the principles of the

LifePACT model. It's in your best intereststo learn how to distinguish between healthy and

nhealthy worry, then channel needless worry into problem-solving behavior as well as

trategies for managing worry.

Blues or depression?

Everyone experiences the blues. When a loved one dies, a person goes through a

omplicated but natural process of grieving. In addition, feelings of shock, despair, and anger

may follow many other experiences involving loss, such as the end of a relationship, the loss

f a job, a divorce, or a serious illness or accident. Even with happy events, such as when ahild begins kindergarten or leaves home for college, or when you move to another

ommunity or accept a new job, you may find yourself feeling bereaved. Feeling blue is a

ormal, common reaction to disappointment, change, and loss.

Depression is different from the blues. Depression is generally suspected when feelings

ersist for a long period of time and seem extraordinarily intense given the nature of the



ircumstances, or when there is a continued pattern of responding to any kind of stress with

hese feelings. It is a condition of gloom, sadness, and other depressive symptoms that goes

eyond -- in terms of intensity and duration of the feeling -- what would be expected in

esponse to a given disappointment, loss, or significant change.

You should suspect you have something more than the blues if you have a pervasive feeling

f sadness that exists most days for a period of two weeks. Consider seeking professional

elp if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions: Is your mood interfering with your

ersonal relationships or your job performance? Is your stress from a single, identified stress

for instance, the serious illness of a child) that does not have a clear end in sight? Are you

eginning to feel worthless or guilty about the situation? Is the stress not allowing you to findappiness in other parts of your life?

Having a great day every day

s it possible to have a great day, every day? It depends on how you define having a great

ay and what you are willing to do to achieve it. I would like to conclude this course by

uggesting two things you can do to have a great day every day of your life.

Mindfulness

magine viewing each day and every moment of each day as great, simply because it is.

Mindfulness is a discipline practiced all over the world that has precisely that attitude as its

oal. The key to mindfulness is to be a nonjudgmental and dispassionate observer of life.

Rather than maintaining a running commentary of the goodness or badness of life's events,

bserve your life without judging moment by moment, without editing or censoring it, without

ntellectualizing it or getting lost in your own incessant thinking. Mindfulness is the ability of

he mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, you see things without condemnation

r judgment. You just observe.

When you observe life rather than measure and evaluate it, you begin to see things as they

are actually happening. There are no biases. You observe that you feel, fear, and accept the

act that you are afraid. You accept your depression, irritation, agitation, and frustration, and

all those other uncomfortable emotional states as simply another of life's occurrences, just

another thing to be aware of. There's no pride, no shame, and there's nothing personal at

take -- what is there is there.

Mindfulness does not take sides. It does not get hung up in what is perceived. It just

erceives. Mindfulness does not get infatuated with the good stuff. It does not try to sidestep

he bad stuff. There is no clinging to the pleasant, no fleeing from the unpleasant.

Mindfulness sees all experiences, all thoughts, and all feelings as equal. Nothing is

uppressed. Nothing is repressed. Mindfulness does not play favorites.

This state of perception has to be learned. It takes regular practice. Once you learn the

echniques of this approach to living each day of your life, your whole view of the universe will

e transformed. You'll become more aware of the content of your thoughts, the feelings

associated with them, and your reactions to them. You'll also become more aware of

agendas, attachments, likes and dislikes, and inaccuracies in your ideas. You'll gain insight

nto your fears and aspirations so that you see more clearly the surrounding world, including

what drives you and, most importantly, who you are.

Start today on your journey toward a more accepting experience of life by trying to live a few

moments totally suspended in the present. Soak in the feeling of all that surrounds you. Don't

well on the past or anticipate the future. Just savor this one long, delicious moment. Livingompletely in the present is one of the best stress relievers. It can help you to ground

ourself during times of confusion and, when it is necessary, you'll be able to totally immerse

ourself in a problem at hand or even a simple chore that needs to get done.

The simple life

Cultivate adifferent set ofvalues

While many are

embracing the

so-called fast

track as the

surest path to

success, others

are cultivating

a different set

of values. In

increasing

numbers,

professionals

both young and

old are taking

control of theircareers rather

than letting

their careers

take control of

them. Studies

show that most

people would

be willing to

take a salary

cut if it meant

more family

and personal

time.



The second principle is to simplify your life. To simplify your life is to remove from it the things

hat distract, burden, or stress you: Possessions that are no longer meaningful, social

activities that you attend simply out of politeness or duty, relationships that no longer work,

ousehold and other duties that have lost meaning or purpose.

To simplify is to evaluate the meaning and purpose of the people, tasks, and events that fill

our life. Life simplification is best approached slowly, starting with the little things, like a

luttered closet or social calendar. Once you have removed a few things, it is amazing what

nsights into yourself will begin to appear. The goal is to begin to know those things, people,

areers, and activities that hold the most meaning for you. And to begin to let go of an outer

efinition of self (expensive cars, large homes, etc.) and to stop trying to layer yourself witho many possessions, titles, and activities that you are unable to enjoy your life.

Here are some easy first steps:

Reduce unwanted sales calls at your home. You can request that your number be

removed from the call lists of telephone solicitors. Every time I receive a call at home from

a salesperson, I immediately ask to speak to the person's supervisor. I then politely ask

the supervisor what he can do to assure me I will not receive another call. I hardly ever get

a call anymore.

Eliminate unwanted e-mail. Ten years ago, this was not a problem. Today, e-mail is a

source of stress and unnecessary clutter. Use mailbox filters to block the sender address

of each unsolicited piece of e-mail. You will notice the difference in no time at all.

Clean up your mess. If you are person who tends to hoard, there is probably an element

of perfectionism running behind your reluctance to clean house. You don't want to make

the mistake of throwing away something important. So you hang on to everything. The

very first thing you have to do is to acquire the ability to admit that you have -- and will --

make mistakes. When you get past this, it gets much easier. Actually, you may find you

rarely regret having gotten rid of something. It just seems that way when you are pitching

things.

Simplify your relationships. Social relationships are so precious. Friends and confidants

are some of life's greatest treasures. These relationships should be nurtured. But not all

relationships fit into this category. Friends change and you change. This means that from

time to time you need to reevaluate the relationships in your life. In which relationships in

your social network has their ceased to be any type of reciprocal benefit? Many timesthese sterile relationships end spontaneously. Other times, compassionate assertiveness

is called for. I was in a coffee shop and I overheard one woman say to another, "My life

has gotten so complicated recently, I really don't feel I have the time or energy to continue

our relationship."

Cultivate the habit of keeping your life simple. Stay focused on truly meaningful things. Rid

ourself of extraneous things that weigh you down and you will find your life is much less

tressful.

Have a great life

n an interview a few years ago when Mike Tyson was about to fight Michael Spinks, he was

old by an announcer, "Spinks has a plan to knock you out." Tyson replied, "They all have a

lan until they get hit." This exemplifies the fact that an unexpected life crisis can knock you

own, making you forget your commitments. The important thing is to get back up and start

ghting again.

Here are some closing thoughts:

Make a personal commitment. Don't wait to mobilize yourself to deal with stress until you

or someone close to you becomes ill from an overload of pressures. As a means of

protecting yourself against the negative consequences of stress, begin today bycommitting yourself to a simplified lifestyle.

Be patient. You may be tempted to correct all your vulnerabilities to stress overnight. The

real benefits of a changed lifestyle are not immediately apparent; improvements in health

and well being accrue slowly. View learning to cope with stress as a lifelong project.

One step at a time. You cannot make lifestyle changes on a wholesale basis.

Concentrate on a particular change for a minimum of three weeks. Decide to continue on

this project after this trial period. If you do continue, you can then enter into a period of

Always movingforward

We are all

different in both

the things that

cause us stress

as well as the

methods that

will work best

to manage that

stress.Recognize your

uniqueness by

looking into the

various

philosophies of

both life and

stress



stabilization for approximately two months before undertaking another project. This way,

lifestyle changes do not become overwhelming.

Take calculated risks. Other people often do not want or expect us to change because

they are used to our behaving in certain ways. Relationships with supervisors, peers,

subordinates, families, and friends may all be affected by these changes. This is another

reason to break down your personal changes to a series of gradual steps.

Start on the easy things. You may want to try something uncomplicated like keeping a

list of daily work goals before trying something more difficult like giving up smoking. Early

success experiences help to build momentum and to lessen the difficulty of later changes.

Anticipate success. Expectations become self-fulfilling; if you expect to succeed, your

chances of doing so are much higher than if you expect to fail. An optimistic approach is

not difficult to maintain if you follow the guidelines of taking one step at a time, takingcalculated risks, and building on successes.

One final tip: As you lie in bed tonight and reflect back over your day, don't think of the

mistakes you've made or the regrets that you have. Think of one thing you did today that you

eel good about. Do this consistently and I guarantee that, as you drift off to a peaceful sleep,

ou will be able to say to yourself, with all honesty, "I had a really good day."

Goodbye and good luck

A man was found dead in the desert. Near him was a package. If he had opened the

package he would not have died. What was in the package?

People give a wide variety of answers to this riddle, anything from water, food and maps to a

ompass or cell phone. Every once in a while someone will give the right answer: A

arachute. When you are falling through space, what matters more than a parachute?

The larger question is: Why didn't he open it? It was there, available to him. It seems

utrageous that he didn't make use of it. My hunch is that he thought he had one of those

hutes that opened automatically. He didn't realize he had to pull the ripcord. All the way

own, perhaps right up to the last hundred feet, this poor individual fully expected things to

appen all by themselves. This mistake cost him his life.

This man's attitude is fairly common. A lot of people are falling through life, waiting for their

arachutes to open all by themselves. People with this attitude would never expect to get a

ob without interviewing for it or a new home without applying for a loan. But when it comes to

uccess in managing stress they expect things to happen spontaneously.

You are not one of those people. You took this course because you recognize that the more

ou invest in your life, the more you'll find it rewarding. I want to congratulate you for staying

with the course through all the lessons. We have covered a lot of ground in a relatively short

me. I hope in the following weeks you will continue to make progress and achieve even

igher levels of stress management competence.

mproving your life as you live it is like rebuilding a ship while at sea. Just when you think

ou're gaining in some area, a crisis knocks you off balance again. Everyone dreams of a life

ree of problems. This is an illusion. Life will always present you with challenges and personal

istress. Competence in managing stress is within your reach. You don't need exceptional

ntelligence. All you need is persistence in your efforts and clarity in the vision of what you

want to make of your life.

hope that, by applying the LifePACT model each and every day for a variety of episodes

and situations, you continue to have a great life that you enjoy leading.

management to

find the

techniques that

you personally

find most

effective.

Quiz #8Question 1:

Letting your anger out whenever you are angry is a great policy.

A) True

B) False



Question 2:

Not all kinds of worry are bad.

A) True

B) False

Question 3:

You should treat depression and the blues the same exact way.

A) True

B) False

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CourseSession 245475 Stress Sanity and Survival

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Transcript of CourseSession 245475 Stress Sanity and Survival