CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS …mastering the art of small talk

People. Performance. Possibilities.

NG

Course Content

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Module 1 – Starting a Conversation Relationship Initiation and Self-Disclosure Uncertainty Reduction Theory Language Pattern Features of a Good Conversation Module 2 – Communication Fundamentals NLP Communication Model Listening SATIR Communication Techniques Nonverbal Immediacy Module 3 – The Neuroscience of Conversation Dimensions of Conversation Wired for Trust

The Amygdala and The Prefrontal Cortex Co-Regulation Module 4 – Interactive Conversation The use of metaphor Skills for Interactive Conversation 10 ways to have a better conversation

Learning Outcome

1. Understand conversational skill and its role in relationship initiation

2. Recognize the levels of anxiety and uncertainty management theory.

3. Learn ways of how to have a better conversation.

4. Understand the neuroscience of conversation.

5. Improve their conversation in a professional way.

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At the end of the training, delegates will be able to

Module 1 – Starting a conversation

Introduction

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Conversation, as a social construct, serves as a building block in the creation and maintenance of relationships. It also serves as a gateway, which if navigated successfully, can lead you to the information or results you want. On the surface, conversation is a simple dialogue of thoughts and ideas, but underneath, it carries rich opportunities to build and strengthen bonds, uncover new information, and present information of your own.

Starting a conversation

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Situations where you might want to strike up a conversation

Ending up at the lunch table with people from another job department or school class.

Standing with others in the hallway waiting for class to start.

Sitting next to another traveler on the train or plan

Don’t ask direct questions

Ask a simple question about the situation rather than the

other person

Example “Excuse me, do you know if they serve snacks here?”

Relationship Initiation

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Why do people initiate relationships in the first place? Here are four reasons why

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People initiate relationships with those they see as attractive

People initiate relationships based on proximity

People initiate relationships with those who are useful to them

People initiate relationships with others because humans are naturally social.

Uncertainty Reduction Theory

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The uncertainty reduction theory, also known as initial interaction theory, is one of the only communication theories that specifically looks into the initial interaction between people prior to the actual communication process. The theory asserts the notion that, when interacting, people need information about the other party in order to reduce their uncertainty. In gaining this information people are able to predict the other's behavior and resulting actions, all of which according to the theory is crucial in the development of any relationship. The Two Types of uncertainty

1. Cognitive uncertainty Beliefs & Thought process

2. Behavioral uncertainty Predictability of behaviour

Charles Berger and Richard Calabrese (1975)

Language Pattern

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As human beings, we communicate through our senses - although it's unusual to find someone who communicates via smell or taste. We, therefore, word everything in terms of sight, vision and feel.

Language Pattern Cont’d

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Visual People who communicate from a visual perspective might use words such as view, sight, see, picture, overview, saw - you get the idea, do you know anyone who uses a visual communication style? Auditory People who use an auditory style of communication might use words such as hear, sound, tone, listen, in-tune, vibe or wavelength Kinesthetic Someone who is kinesthetically based might use words such as touch, feel, grip, concrete, smooth, rough.

3 Strategies of Uncertainty Reduction Theory

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PASSIVE STRATEGY - Reducing uncertainties by unobtrusive observation

3 Strategies of Uncertainty Reduction Theory Cont’d

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ACTIVE STRATEGY - Exists when someone engages in some type of effort other than direct contact to find out more about someone

3 Strategies of Uncertainty Reduction Theory Cont’d

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INTERACTIVE STRATEGY - Engage in direct contact or face-to-face interaction. Conversation that may include self-disclosure, direct questioning and other information seeking techniques.

Features of a Good Conversation

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Should shift back and forth

Clear and Concise

Delivers complete message

Self-Disclosure

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Self-disclosure is a process of communication by which one person reveals information about themself to another. The information can be descriptive or evaluative, and can include thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, and dreams, as well as one's likes, dislikes, and favorites.

Superficial

Intimate

Personal

Care

Levels SPT proposes that, as relationships develop, interpersonal communication moves from relatively shallow, non-intimate levels to deeper, more intimate ones Depth

VS Breadth Depth

The range of topics discussed

The degree to which the information

revealed

Stages of self-Disclosure

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Orientation Stage

Exploratory Affective Stage

Affective Stage

Depenetration

Stable Stage

Factors that affect Self-Disclosure

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Below are factors can affect the amount of self-disclosure among people.

1. Gender

2. Race

3. Religion

4. Personality

5. Social status

6. Ethnic background

Module 2 – Communication Fundamentals

Communication Fundamentals

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Communication is a process in which one person or group evokes a shared or common meaning to another person or group

Keys stages in early communication development Pre-intentional Communication Intentional Communication

Forms of Communication

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The Fundamentals of Communication are woven into this process of pre-intentional and intentional communication development. They are not learned in a sequence, rather they are learned alongside one another as part of the process of communication. The Fundamentals of Communication are a set of basic communication skills that form the foundations of more advanced communication skills, including speech. The 3 forms of communication are;

1. Verbal 2. Written 3. Non-Verbal

Basic elements in the communication process

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Sender Medium Encodes Decodes Receiver

Feedback

Organizational Communication Flow

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Upward

Information Downward

Instruction

Horizontal

Coordination

Barriers to Communication

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NLP Communication Model

Mind Filters

DELETE DISTORTION GENERALISATION

Listening

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Listening is defined as paying attention in order to get the message in a communication. Human being listen with the mind. Types of Listening

1. Passive Listening

2. Active Listening

3. Reflective Listening

A good listener engages physically and mentally, shares eye contact, and uses positive affirmation to show they are paying attention. When we listen to connect, we activate Wernicke’s area: the part of the brain that allows us to comprehend spoken language.

11 Barriers to Listening

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1. Selective Listening 2. Talking speed VS Speed of thought 3. Lack of interest 4. Reaction to the speaker 5. Preconception 6. Physical distraction 7. Belief and attitude 8. Previous experiences 9. Preoccupation 10. Having a Closed Mind 11. Mind Reading

SATIR Communication Techniques

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1. The Blamer

2. The Placater

3. The Computer

4. The Distractor

5. The Leveller

Immediacy Behaviour

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Immediacy behaviors are nonverbal actions that signal warmth, communicate availability, decrease distance, and promote involvement between people. Nonverbal communication expresses dominance and affiliation. There are multiple categories of nonverbal communication.

Body language Eye contact Facial expression Gesture Posture Touch

Spatial Usage Personal Space Acoustic Space

Module 3 – The Neuroscience of Conversation

The Neuroscience of Conversation

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Conversations are not just a way of sharing information; they actually trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain that either open you up to having healthy, trusting conversations or close you down so that you speak from fear, caution, and anxiety. Conversations have the power to change the brain by boosting the production of hormones and neurotransmitters that stimulate body systems and nerve pathways, changing our body’s chemistry, not just for a moment, but perhaps for a lifetime. As we communicate, our brains trigger a neurochemical cocktail that makes us feel either good or bad, and we translate that inner experience into words, sentences, and stories. “Feel good” conversations trigger higher levels of dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and other biochemicals that give us a sense of well-being.

The Neuroscience of Conversation

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Conversations are not just a way of sharing information; they actually trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain that either open you up to having healthy, trusting conversations or close you down so that you speak from fear, caution, and anxiety. Conversations have the power to change the brain by boosting the production of hormones and neurotransmitters that stimulate body systems and nerve pathways, changing our body’s chemistry, not just for a moment, but perhaps for a lifetime. As we communicate, our brains trigger a neurochemical cocktail that makes us feel either good or bad, and we translate that inner experience into words, sentences, and stories. “Feel good” conversations trigger higher levels of dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and other biochemicals that give us a sense of well-being.

Multiple Dimensions of Conversations

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Conversations are multidimensional. Understanding how to access the right dimension for a situation is the art of conversations. There are 3 levels of conversations, each representing a way of interacting with others.

Level I: Transactional Conversations

Level II: Positional Conversations

Level III: Transformational Conversations

Level I: Transactional Conversations

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Transactional conversations are internally focused on confirming what I know and telling someone else about it. These types of conversation do not build trust, nor require a great deal of trust to occur – and we have them every day when we purchase something at a store or we tell someone that something needs to get done. For examples: A great example of a transactional conversation is when I “tell” my children that they need to empty and fill the dishwasher. It’s not a debate …

Level II: Positional Conversations

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Positional conversations are about persuading and influencing others to our own point of view. We have an opportunity to explore space together - and we might even seek a win-win solution – provided it fits with our desired solution. We ask questions (often leading), we advocate, and we work hard to move people to our point of view. For example:

-Alice wants the team to prioritize Project A over Project B. -She asks Bob what he thinks, but doesn’t really listen to what he says. -Instead, she offers arguments in favor of her position. -Bob either defends his position, attacks Alice’s position, or gives in.

In this example, you can see that it’s impossible to get to a solution where both parties win.

Level III: Transformational Conversations

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Transformational conversations, also called co-creating conversations, include interaction dynamics such as sharing and discovering. This means asking questions for which you have no answers, listening to the collective, discovering, and sharing insights and wisdom. This generative way of communication leads to more innovative insights and deeper listening to connect to others’ perspectives. For example:

-Alice asks Bob to help her decide which project the team should focus on. -Bob feels safe, because he knows Alice values his input. -With full access to higher-level thinking, they analyze the problem and predict possible outcomes. -They co-create a solution that they are both happy with.

Wired for Trust

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Wired for Trust

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Our brain is designed to detect trust and distrust in our everyday conversations. This hardwiring is millions of years in the making. Trust is the first signal we seek to determine if we can open up or need to close down. Trust is the feeling of “I am safe, and I know you have my back.” It is associated with the release of the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is associated with love, bonding, and collaboration. When we feel safe, we down-regulate the activity of the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis, which lowers our stress response, and we up-regulate our social engagement systems through the production of oxytocin and other prosocial hormones

The Amygdala

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The amygdala is a small structure in the brain embedded bilaterally in the limbic system, which is classically viewed as our emotional processing center. This little almond in our brains can be thought of as air traffic control, sifting through salient information and categorizing it as either pleasurable or threatening. If we determine a stimulus to be threatening, the amygdala prompts the stress response: fight, flight, or freeze. This locks us into our limbic brain and brings us inward in order to protect against the threat.

The Prefrontal Cortex

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Through co-creating conversations that focus on how we can cooperating ideas, we activate an appreciative mindset, changing our neurochemistry. We turn off the fear-based messages from the amygdala and turn on the brain connections that feed up into the prefrontal cortex. By translating current information, impulses, and our biochemistry, the prefrontal cortex helps us make judgment calls, have empathy and compassion, and anticipate the future of the conversation. When we find positive patterns of engagement, we can utilize nature’s critical catalyst, oxytocin, to reinforce a bonding experience.

Co-Regulation

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Co-regulation is based on the mammalian biological need for connection, which is the ability to mutually regulate physiological and behavioral states. Understanding how the levels of oxytocin and cortisol shift during engagement—and how to regulate this neurochemistry in real-time with others—is the critical catalyst for enhancing your C-IQ. In order to build trust, partners need to be able to transparently “read” each other’s intentions and determine if the trust is reciprocal

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Module 4 – Interactive Conversation

The Use of Metaphor

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The use of metaphor in conversation is ‘demotic creativity. In conversation, metaphors are typically used for humorous and interpersonal purposes rather than for more serious aims, such as explaining difficult abstract concepts. Metaphors are very powerful modes of conversation. They sit deep in not just our conscious mind but also the subconscious mind. The paint pictures for us, they create images. They connect things to things and connects us to the world Expressions of metaphor in our everyday conversations present themselves as both conventional as well as more creative instances. That metaphor is ingrained in our daily lives has become part and parcel of cognitive linguistic theory.

Skills for Interactive Conversation

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1. Confidence

2. Fluent Speaking

3. Nonverbal Communication

4. Turn-taking

5. Reflective Listening

10 Tips to have a better conversation

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1. Don't multitask.

2. Don't pontificate.

3. Use open ended questions.

4. Go with the flow.

5. If you don't know, say that you don't know.

6. Don't equate your experience with their.

7. Try not to repeat yourself.

8. Stay out of the wits.

9. Listen.

10. Be brief.

To be a great conversationalist

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Exchange Greetings

Reciprocate

Be Courteous and Polite

Be Concise

To be a great conversationalist cont’d

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Be Specific and vivid

Use appropriate body lang.

Don’t end abruptly

3 Things not to say

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THANK YOU

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