Conflict ManagementHow conflict develops and how to deal with it

What do we fight about?

• Money• Time• Space• Chores• Interpersonal needs (affection, inclusion, control)• Sharing• Kids• In-laws• And on and on and on…

Definition of conflict

• The actions of one person interfere with or create barriers for another

Sources of Conflict

• Differing goals• Differing on the means of achieving a goal• Differing interpersonal needs• Enactment of behaviors

Negative Conflict Management Styles

• Two main types:• Avoiding• Erupting

• Specific types• Belt-lining• Name calling• Gunny sacking

Belt-lining

• A personal attack on another individual• “Hit below the belt”• Use when you aren’t sure what to do• Everyone has emotional beltline• Issues that fall below the belt are sensitive topics

• When you hit below the belt, you cause the other person to raise their belt line (cause them to be more sensitive)

• Most used by people you know

Name calling

• A form of belt lining• Calling the other person names that relate to what they

cannot really change• Socioeconomic status• Physical features• Race• Age

• Name usually has some element of truth

Gunny-sacking

• Involves both avoiding and erupting• Avoid/pile up issues until your “gunny sack” gets full and

you explode• The “final straw” is usually a minor issue

• Most vulnerable to use this when you are tired or stressed because you cannot handle as much

• People who gunny sack will continue to build up issues after an explosion UNLESS they make a conscious effort to change

Positive Conflict Management Strategies

1. Both parties agree to “fight fair”

2. Set out for a win-win3. Set a time for the discussion4. Don’t argue when upset5. Stop when everyone is

happy6. Lower your emotional

beltline7. Take responsibility

8. Test assumptions, perceptions

9. Describe behavior you find objectionable

10. Focus on the issue at hand and the future

11. Be flexible (your way may not be the only way)

12. No excuses13. Do a fun thing after14. Don’t fear conflict

Assertive Communication

• Definition: stand up for your rights and wishes directly while respecting the rights of the other person

Aggressive vs. Assertive

Aggressive Communication• Attack the self concept of

the other individual• Disregards the rights of

the other person involved• Seek to dominate and

damage or defeat and destroy

Assertive Communication• Attacks the position held

by the other individual• Respects the right of both

parties• Seeks to promote one’s

own needs and wants while honoring the other person

Benefits of Assertiveness

• Fair treatment• More likely to be assertive when money, grades involved

• Become able to refuse unreasonable requests• Helps you initiate your own requests• Promotes responsible expression of feeling

Verbal Assertiveness

• E.R.A.Empathy, Rationale, Action

• Empathy: show your understanding• Rationale: present your reason for your answer• Action: tell what you want them to do or what you will

do if they do not comply (don’t be threatening)

ERA Example

In response to a child’s request to stay out late:

“I know that spending time with your friends is important to you, and you want to have fun. However, it is important to me that you are safe and get enough rest. You cannot stay out until 1:00 a.m., but you can have a curfew of 11:00 p.m.”

Practice!

How would you respond to the following scenarios using the ERA method?

• Your sixteen-year-old daughter wants a car of her own.• Your spouse wants to buy an $800 television.• You want to approach your instructor about a grade discrepancy.• You did not receive as much money in your financial aid refund

as you anticipated receiving.• Your friends want to spend the weekend on a trip out of town,

but you have a big project due on Monday.