Conflict is not a bad Conflict is not a bad word; Conflict is an word; Conflict is an

OpportunityOpportunity for Discussion for Discussion CTEBVI ConferenceCTEBVI Conference

March 17, 2012March 17, 2012

Presented by: Marc Purchin Alternative Dispute Resolution Services

Southwest SELPA 320 Knob Hill

Redondo Beach, CA 90277 310-944-3217x 229 310-202-1155 home office

mpurchin@purchinconsulting.comSw_adr@lacoe.edu

THE MYTHS:THE MYTHS:• CONFLICT IS BAD

• SIGN OF POOR SKILLS

• SIGN THAT YOU ARE BAD

• CONFLICT WILL RESOLVE ITSELF OVER TIME

THE FACTS:THE FACTS:• CONFLICT IS

INEVITABLE

• MAY ALLOW FOR GROWTH AND POSTIVE CHANGE

• MAY IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS

• IT IS NOT GOOD OR BAD, IT JUST IS

• PEOPLE ARE NOT GOOD OR BAD

• CONFLICT IS A PART OF LIFE

CONFLICT CONFLICT ....IS INEVITABLE

BUT...GROWTH IS OPTIONAL

Our PositionsOur Positions

• Things you say you want Things you say you want • DemandsDemands• Your solutions to a problemYour solutions to a problem

Sample PositionsSample Positions

Lets get it on the board…..Lets get it on the board…..

What are some Demands that you What are some Demands that you

get from Parents and District Staff ?get from Parents and District Staff ?

Interests Interests

• Underlying MotivationsUnderlying Motivations• Concerns and FearsConcerns and Fears• Basic Human NeedsBasic Human Needs SecuritySecurity

Economic well beingEconomic well beingSense of BelongingSense of BelongingRecognition Recognition Control over ones’ life Control over ones’ life

Effective Communication Effective Communication Tips: Getting to Tips: Getting to

Interests Interests

• Builds trust between listener and Builds trust between listener and speakerspeaker

• Demonstrates understanding and Demonstrates understanding and acceptance. acceptance.

• Encourages discussion of important Encourages discussion of important issues issues

Tips for Effective Tips for Effective Communication Communication

1. STOP TALKING2. ASK QUESTIONS WHEN YOU DON’T

UNDERSTAND3. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON THE SPEAKER’S

WORDS, IDEAS, AND FEELINGS4. LOOK AT THE PERSON5. CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS6. GET RID OF DISTRACTIONS7. SHARE RESPONSIBILITY FOR

COMMUNICATION8. REACT TO THE IDEAS, NOT THE PERSON

Tips for Effective Tips for Effective Communication Communication (cont.)(cont.)

9. DON’T ARGUE MENTALLY10.LISTEN FOR WHAT IS NOT SAID11.LISTEN TO HOW SOMETHING IS SAID12.AVOID JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS13.AVOID CLASSIFYING THE SPEAKER14.RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN PREJUDICE15.TAKE AN ATTENTIVE BODY POSTURE16.MAKE APPROPRIATE HEAD NODS AND

OTHER MOVEMENTS

I Message Formula –I Message Formula –Worksheet Worksheet

STEP ONESTEP ONEI feel…I feel…(Talk about your feelings)(Talk about your feelings)

STEP TWOSTEP TWOWhen …When …(State the (State the specific specific behavior)behavior)

STEP THREESTEP THREEBecause…Because…(State what happens to you) (State what happens to you)

STEP FOURSTEP FOURAnd what I NEED is …And what I NEED is …

(Say what you need to make the (Say what you need to make the situation better)situation better)

THE ART OF THE THE ART OF THE QUESTIONQUESTION

THE ART OF THE THE ART OF THE QUESTIONQUESTION

Ask questions that encourage Ask questions that encourage communication:communication:

• Tell me more about …Tell me more about …

• I am not sure I understand the part about…I am not sure I understand the part about…

• Let me make sure I understood correctly…Let me make sure I understood correctly…

• Can you help me understand?Can you help me understand?

• Can you help me get a better idea of the Can you help me get a better idea of the reason for your request?reason for your request?

THE ART OF THE THE ART OF THE QUESTIONQUESTION (cont.)(cont.)

• Help me understand your view/perception Help me understand your view/perception of the issuesof the issues

• Tell me more about how you feel about Tell me more about how you feel about this…this…

• What will happen if this is not worked out What will happen if this is not worked out today?today?

• I want to thank you for discussing such a I want to thank you for discussing such a hard issue with us and hope you can tell us hard issue with us and hope you can tell us more about…more about…

Other QuestionsOther Questions

• What would it look like for you if What would it look like for you if this matter was resolved? How this matter was resolved? How would you feel?would you feel?

• Paint a picture for me of the Paint a picture for me of the future if this is settled/not future if this is settled/not settled?settled?

• What ideas do you have that What ideas do you have that might help solve the problem?might help solve the problem?

What to Avoid?What to Avoid?

• Avoid a question that can only be Avoid a question that can only be answered yes or no.answered yes or no.

• Avoid a question that begins with Avoid a question that begins with why.why.

• Avoid asking anyone to talk Avoid asking anyone to talk about their “side”.about their “side”.

Sample QuestionsSample Questions What Might be beneficial about your/this

situation not changing?

What would be the worst consequence if I/you don’t do anything?

What will you notice when he/she is truly interested in Resolving this situation?

How will you know when the fight is over?

If this weren’t about me/you—what would you/I be noticing?

What is your intent?

Sample Questions (cont.)Sample Questions (cont.) How will you know his/her intentions are sincere?

What needs to change in order for things to be different?

What have you been doing differently (recently) that has led to these results?

How could this be handled so that the outcome will be positive?

How will you know when you’re ready for a change?

How have changes in one area affected the rest of your/my life?

What is the longest period I can remember during which things were going well?

FORMULA FOR FORMULA FOR SOLVING A SOLVING A CONFLICTCONFLICT

1. COMMIT TO WORK IT 1. COMMIT TO WORK IT OUTOUT

• Find a good time and place to talk

• Agree to trytry to solve the problem

• Establish Ground Rules

2. DEFINE THE 2. DEFINE THE PROBLEM PROBLEM

•Each person says what happened and how he/she feels

•Use Active Listening and I-Messages

•Focus on Needs

3. BRAINSTORM 3. BRAINSTORM SOLUTIONS SOLUTIONS

•Suggest many ways to address the issue

•Do not judge the suggestions

CHOOSE A SOLUTION AND CHOOSE A SOLUTION AND MAKE AN ACTION PLAN MAKE AN ACTION PLAN

• Consider all options; look at Consider all options; look at possible outcomespossible outcomes

• Select a solution that Select a solution that everyone everyone agrees to agrees to

• Decide the specifics (i.e. Who? Decide the specifics (i.e. Who? What? Where? When? How?) What? Where? When? How?)