CONFLICTCONFLICT

CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICTCONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT ATTITUDESATTITUDES

– Toward Conflict ItselfToward Conflict Itself– About Specific Problems or OutcomesAbout Specific Problems or Outcomes

DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM OR DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM OR SOURCE OF CONFLICTSOURCE OF CONFLICT– Common Areas of Conflict in Close RelationshipsCommon Areas of Conflict in Close Relationships

» Finances; Sex; In-laws/friends; having/raising children; Finances; Sex; In-laws/friends; having/raising children; career demands; spending leisure time; personal habits career demands; spending leisure time; personal habits (sleeping/waking patterns, neatness, eating, etc.)(sleeping/waking patterns, neatness, eating, etc.)

– Soften Initiation of the ProblemSoften Initiation of the Problem– Look Beyond the Topic At HandLook Beyond the Topic At Hand

» Issues Can Be Hidden--e.g., can’t face real issueIssues Can Be Hidden--e.g., can’t face real issue

» Added Issue May Be in Manner of ArguingAdded Issue May Be in Manner of Arguing

– Avoid StockpilingAvoid Stockpiling– Deal With One Issue At A TimeDeal With One Issue At A Time– Consider The Source of the Problem As Consider The Source of the Problem As

Situation-Bound At FirstSituation-Bound At First

METHODS OF INFORMATION METHODS OF INFORMATION EXCHANGEEXCHANGE– Reduce Cross-ComplainingReduce Cross-Complaining– Reduce Arguing About ArguingReduce Arguing About Arguing– Reduce Negative Affect/Tone & SarcasmReduce Negative Affect/Tone & Sarcasm– Reduce Labeling Partner NegativelyReduce Labeling Partner Negatively– Increase QualifiersIncrease Qualifiers– Increase Statement LabelingIncrease Statement Labeling

– Increase Concern For Other’s FeelingsIncrease Concern For Other’s Feelings– Increase Listening Skills/Inquiries/QuestionsIncrease Listening Skills/Inquiries/Questions– Increase “Good” Apologies & “Good” Acceptance Increase “Good” Apologies & “Good” Acceptance

of Apologiesof Apologies» Good=No Excuses--e.g., “I was wrong.” or “I am really Good=No Excuses--e.g., “I was wrong.” or “I am really

sorry I hurt you.”sorry I hurt you.”

» Bad=Avoids Dealing With Problem--e.g., “Ok. I’m Bad=Avoids Dealing With Problem--e.g., “Ok. I’m sorry. Can you please just drop it now?!” or “I’m sorry I sorry. Can you please just drop it now?!” or “I’m sorry I did that, but I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t…”did that, but I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t…”

» Bad Acceptance=“I’m glad you understand that. Now let Bad Acceptance=“I’m glad you understand that. Now let me tell you what else is wrong with you…”me tell you what else is wrong with you…”

BE QUASI-LITERAL ABOUT WHAT BE QUASI-LITERAL ABOUT WHAT OTHER SAYSOTHER SAYS

USE PAUSING/REFLECTION IF USE PAUSING/REFLECTION IF NECESSARYNECESSARY

IN DEALING WITH SOLUTIONSIN DEALING WITH SOLUTIONS– Consider the value of face-savingConsider the value of face-saving– Consider multiple and/or delayed solutionsConsider multiple and/or delayed solutions– Consider compromiseConsider compromise

AFTER THE FIGHTAFTER THE FIGHT– Consider Periodic ReviewsConsider Periodic Reviews– Consider Progress Reports on Agreed Upon Consider Progress Reports on Agreed Upon

SolutionsSolutions– Consider Reassurance RitualsConsider Reassurance Rituals– Consider Ways of Assessing Areas of Conflict Consider Ways of Assessing Areas of Conflict

Prior to FightingPrior to Fighting