Coney ebook (5.01MB)

The Power of Personal Resilience

CindyConey.com Page | 1

The Power of Personal Resilience: Unleashing Your Unsinkable Spirit™



A courtesy publication of Monarch Training and Consulting © 2013 Cindy Coney

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this e-book or any portions thereof in any form.

For further information, contact the author:

(813) 833-7026 or [email protected] CindyConey.com



Table of Contents

What is Resilience? 4 Change and resilience

Me First 7 Self-care

Connection 9 Caring and supportive relationships

Let Go of Things You Cannot Control 11 The T-Chart

Optimism 14 The glass is half-full

Hope for the Future 16 Survive and thrive A Note from Cindy 19 Unleashing your unsinkable spirit! About the Author 20 Cindy Coney References 21



What is Resilience?

Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit. ~Bernard Williams

Introduction

We have all heard a great deal about resiliency. The media carries stories of people surviving and thriving against all odds. We have seen New Orleans rebuild after Hurricane Katrina’s devastating landfall. We have watched our favorite sports team come from behind and against all odds beat a worthy opponent. Where does such strength come from? Research shows the personal strengths necessary to fight back from adversity are innate. When human beings are given opportunities to engage and develop these strengths in a supportive environment, we can overcome incredible challenges.

There are personal strengths, such as courage, optimism, empathy, faith, purpose

and many others, which are "developmental possibilities that can be engaged in all individuals through the provision of supports and opportunities" (Smith and Werner). When these strengths are engaged, we display resiliency. Some of these strengths come naturally to us, some can be developed. When other people support us and create an environment ripe for success, we are better able to access these inner strengths. Change

Change. The very word may send shivers up your spine. Or you may be one of those lucky people who embraces change and views it as an adventure.



Unfortunately, the day may come when the change you must confront is challenging and possibly life changing; when adversity strikes and that fun loving, joie de vivre spirit of yours says, “Whoa, this is more than I bargained for.” This is the time the power of your personal resilience gets you through.

What is Resilience?

The word resilience has many definitions. Miriam Webster’s online dictionary defines it as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” When most people think of the word resilience they think of the ability to bounce back from challenge and adversity, or how well someone is able to adapt to adversity or crisis. Some researchers feel that the heart of resilience is the belief in one’s power, whether or not one actually has the power (Bandura, 1995, 1997).

According to the American Psychological Association, resilience is the “process of

adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”i Resilient people still experience a full range of emotions, including sadness and stress. But it is their ability to walk through the process of facing life’s challenges and their own emotions that sets them apart.

The good news?

Resilience is a learned trait. Anyone at any age can learn to be more resilient.



My entire adult life has revolved around the concept of resilience. For over 25

years I led a nonprofit organization that developed prevention education for students. The curriculum we developed was based on resiliency research.

I have also had personal experience in learning (forced) to become more resilient

after I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease lupus in 1980 and also suffered through infertility. We all have challenges in life. Lupus and infertility happened to be mine. Yours may be something very, very different, or it may not be a single big event, but a series of small challenges you face every day. Either way, becoming resilient to change and challenge will improve your quality of life.

Who wants to live a life focused on stress and strife? Challenges may be inevitable,

but discovering and nurturing your own resilient spirit is essential to a happy life. Where do you start? Following are some of the techniques I’ve found most beneficial.

Ambassador of Hope and Resiliency Cindy Coney―Speaker, Writer, Coach



Me First

Remember when you were a small child and you wanted to be first for everything?

You waved your hand around wildly to be called on in class or to be first in line for recess. What happened to that ability to put yourself first? It has probably been misplaced somewhere along the road called life.

First step in becoming resilient is TAKE

CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Practice self-‐care, so you can practice other care.

First we must deal with guilt, because if

you are like most people, you feel guilty when you put your needs above the needs of others. Yet, if you’ve ever flown on an airplane, you will recall the flight attendant safety review and being told that, should the cabin lose pressure and the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, it is essential you put your own mask on first, so you will be better able to help those around you. Why are we okay with this concept of putting ourselves first when our plane may be crashing toward the ground, but not okay with the idea when it comes to day-‐to-‐day living? We are better able to help those around us when we are healthy, rested and feeling good about ourselves.

I recently had the opportunity to work with someone who was experiencing a

great deal of knee pain for quite some time. She was effective at work, but definitely not functioning at her normal 110%. Finally, the time came to have a knee replacement. Although I know she was worried about what might happen at work in her absence, she reluctantly agreed to take the time off and have the surgery. Afterward, she dutifully went to physical therapy and gradually got stronger. She realized how much better she felt when she was working out. She subsequently hired a trainer, created an exercise space in her home, and became physically fitter than she had been in years.

Image courtesy qualitystockphotos.com



I can tell you that the change in her energy level was amazing. None of us could

keep up with her; all because she let go of the guilt, put herself and her needs before those of the organization for a while, and took control of her physical well-‐being. The organization is now benefitting from her renewed zest and enthusiasm.

Repeat after me: “I will not feel guilty for taking care of myself.”

Once you are over the guilt hurdle, it is time to take an honest look at the physical,

mental and emotional aspects of your life. Consider the checklist below. Are there things on this list you might like to work on?

Eat nutritious meals, most of the time Exercise at least a few times a week Practice a meditation technique-‐especially when stressed

(could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths) Leave work at the office Find time to enjoy family and friends Have enjoyable outside interests, like hobbies or sports Get enough sleep each night Practice self-‐care without guilt or feeling

selfish

How did you do? If you checked that you would like to improve in every area, take a moment and commit to making some changes in your life. These do not have to be gigantic changes. Set a goal, break it down into manageable pieces and get going. It is very difficult to be resilient in the face of adversity if you are not physically and mentally strong. Exhaustion, fatigue, and feeling overwhelmed are not conducive to bouncing back from challenge!



Connection Caring & Supportive Relationships

Now that you have laid the foundation for resiliency by taking care of yourself and

are physically and mentally as strong as possible, let’s take a look at another factor that contributes to resiliency: Connection.

Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and

supportive relationships. A great deal of research on social connection and isolation has been conducted by both John Cacioppo and, more recently, by Andrew Steptoe. Although they differ slightly in their findings, one point is clear: social contact can have profound and positive psychological effects.

Think of the last time you faced a

challenging or adverse situation. Did you reach out to someone who cares about you for support, or did you “go it alone” and withdraw?

People diagnosed with chronic illness

often do not feel like going out and can become more and more isolated. Executives who have risen to the top of their organization may feel lonely, because there is no one with whom to discuss issues. It is crucial in both of these very different situations that a connection is made to someone who is supportive. This may be a friend, family member, colleague, or even a personal coach.



Look at the checklist below and see if there are areas you would like to improve:

I have a person in my life who loves and cares about me I have friends I connect with regularly I am involved in social activities I have people in my life who I love and care about I reach out to connect with others

In the research that we built our prevention programs on years ago, the critical

role that one caring adult can play in the life of a child was stressed over and over again. We have all seen the Olympic athletes who overcame obstacles because one coach

or teacher cared and believed in them. I believe this is true for all of us. One caring person in our lives can help to lift us up on the days when giving up seems so much easier.

Take a minute now and answer this question,

“If adversity struck today, who would you call?”

My hope is that you can comfortably and confidently name at least one person you can turn to and rely upon for support.



Let Go of Things You Cannot Control

For some reason, we humans love control and desperately want control over everything in our lives. We do not like uncertainty and research backs this up. Individuals who feel a sense of personal power or of being in charge in general are more resilient. According to research, in a survey conducted by David Watt, 78 percent of resilient adults agreed that “a primary requirement for transcending adversity…was to understand that they were able to control the course of their lives.”ii

I do believe wholeheartedly that I have control over the course of my life. I also

believe there are many things which I do not control, which may lead to unnecessary stress and worry.

I was forced to learn two things walking

through my own personal challenges: 1) life is not always fair; and 2) I do not always have control over everything that happens to me.

Years ago my world was illuminated upon

by the realization that every minute I spend worrying about things I have absolutely no control over is actually one less minute of potential joy and happiness. And so I chose – and continue to choose – happiness.



Here’s a technique I use to sort out what I do and do not have control over. I carry

around in my head a little t-‐chart (among various and sundry other items) like the one below:

When I find myself getting stressed and worried, I ask myself which side of the chart does this situation (whatever is on my mind) fall on? Does it fall under Things I Can Control, or Things I Cannot Control? If it is something I have some control over, I take action; if it isn’t I let it go.

There are events in our lives that we have no control over. In my case, it is the

autoimmune disease of lupus. Though I may not have control over the disease, I do control my response to it. I can choose my doctors, participate in my treatment decisions, and manage my day-‐to-‐day living in a way that supports my health. I am not powerless where the lupus is concerned. I cannot control the fact that I have the disease, but I can control how I choose to live with it.

I’ve often heard people say they are (unhappily) stuck in their job because they

need the money. Of course we all require an income. However, how often is a person truly “stuck”? Perhaps there are steps that could be taken to move toward a new and more fulfilling job? Sending out resumes, networking with friends and associates, going back to school are just a few steps that could promote change.

Things I Can Control Things I Cannot Control



Knowing which things we do or do not have control over can sometimes be

confusing. So be careful! For even when you can’t control what is happening to you, you can control how you choose to respond. And for those times when you truly have no control:

Practice letting go

Here are some questions to guide you.

Do you spend time worrying about things you cannot control, including past and future events?

Do you break large goals into more manageable pieces?

Do you have a technique to help you break the worry cycle?



Optimism: The Glass is Half-Full

Do you ever listen to those little voices in your head? Exactly what is it that you tell

yourself in times of stress, challenge and adversity? Is it, “This always happens to me?” or “This too shall pass?” According to Martin Seligman in his book Learned Optimism; there are differences in the explanatory styles of optimists and pessimists:

"The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe that bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault. The optimists, who are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world, think about misfortune in the opposite way. They tend to believe that defeat is just a temporary setback or a challenge, that its causes are just confined to this one case."

Seligman also states, “Optimists are higher achievers and have better overall

health.” Who doesn’t want that? Do not worry, if you tend to naturally be more pessimistic. Optimism can be learned. But how do you do it?

The key is to become familiar with your

thought patterns. Once you begin to recognize negative thought patterns, you can challenge them and begin to replace them with more positive alternatives. I did not say this was easy and, remember, it might take some time. Again, it is helpful to begin to notice how you respond to change. Do you instantly begin to look for the negative?



I have found two little words are very helpful for controlling my self-‐talk. When my

mind starts to wander to the “this always happens” or “I’ll never feel good again,” I tell myself NOT HELPFUL. It seems so simple, but the next time you are stressed or facing a challenging situation and your mind starts heading in a pessimistic direction, say to yourself over and over again...

Not helpful!



Hope for the Future

I’ve saved the very best for last! I believe the most important thing we can do to

build resiliency is to believe that the future holds something better than today. HAVE HOPE.

Often, in the very dark times, this is the only thing that we have to hold onto and

the only reason we have to get out of bed in the morning. My favorite quote is:

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark” ~ George Iles

In the midst of pain and suffering, when we are beaten down emotionally, finding a tiny ray of hope in the situation will give us the strength we need to continue. Werner and Smith (1992, 2001) found that ‘The central component in the lives of resilient individuals which contributed to their effective coping in adulthood appeared to be a confidence (a hopefulness) that odds can be surmounted.”

Hope also affects those around us, lifting

them as well as us. The power of hope is always evident in stories we hear of fellow human beings overcoming insurmountable odds and not only surviving, but also often thriving.



Hope may come to you in the form of a phone call or simple words from a friend, a

word of acknowledgement from a coworker, a doctor or nurse who says they will stick by you until you feel better, a favorite quote, an uplifting story or speaker, or simply a hug from a loved one that says ‘I care about you.’ It does not matter who it comes from, or how, what matters is that you find the strength to carry-‐on through the really, really tough days.

My continued wish for you is that if you must face challenge and adversity, you will have the strength to not only survive, but also unleash your unsinkable spirit and thrive!

For further information on resiliency, visit Cindy at CindyConey.com

Facebook.com/CindyConeyFla



A Note from the Author

Unleashing Your Unsinkable Spirit™

For years and years, I have been certified as a journaling instructor. Like many things I’m “certified” to do, I don’t formally “teach” them, but instead incorporate the learning into the fabric of my life and my personal well-being. Being an educator, I’ve always loved to learn, so enjoy the process of certification. I have always journaled and find it a great way to make visibile those invisible thoughts, feelings and ideas inside. The health benefits of journaling have been well documented, especially by James Pennebaker. My friend, Kay Adams, author of several books, including Journal to the Self and The Write Way to Wellness, has always been my personal mentor. You can listen to an interview we did together on living with chronic illness. I was recently “mining” my journals and found a list of things that contribute to my unsinkable spirit™ and resiliency. I thought it would be fun to put them into a format that you can print and keep handy when you are looking for ways to build your own reiliency. ENJOY!!!!

Cindy Coney



Hope Creativity Connection Acceptance Passion Flexibility Harmony Dreams Curiosity Humor Gratitude Contemplation Faith Beauty Compassion Altruism Forgiveness Purpose Resourcefulness Peace Vision Play Celebration Reflection Strength Courage Love Kindness



About the Author Cindy Coney is a nationally recognized speaker, writer and coach. For over 30 years, she has effectively helped individuals and the nonprofit organizations who support them to move beyond surviving to thriving. Her pioneering educational work in prevention and resilience has been federally recognized and continues to positively impact the lives of hundreds of thousands of students nationwide. Cindy holds a Master's Degree in Educational Leadership. She has been a Master Trainer for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and The Center for Prevention Workforce Development. She authored the following publications for nonprofit organizations: Earned Income: A Critical Resource for Sustainable Nonprofit Health Organizations, and Intellectual Property for Non-profit Organizations. She considers The Wild Woman's Guide to Living with Chronic Illness her most creative work, to date. Her keynote addresses and conference presentations have been enthusiastically receive from Kansas to Kalamazoo, New York to New Mexico, and Belize to Baltimore! Despite being diagnosed with lupus in 1980, Cindy has an unsinkable spirit. Her zest for living life fully and helping others do the same is contagious. Since her diagnosis, she has flown in a hot air balloon, driven a race car 124 miles per hour and completed the Chicago Marathon, all 26.2 miles! She is someone who sees the glass not as half full, but overflowing! She has a smile (and often a hug) for everyone she meets. Her warmth, humor and down to earth nature, combined with her knowledge, experience and expertise make her a sought after speaker, coach and consultant.



References i "The Road to Resilience." American Psychological Association, n.d. Web. 25 June 2013. ii Watt, N., David, J., Ladd, K., & Shamos, S. (1995). The life course of psychological resilience: A phenomenological

perspective on deflecting life’s slings and arrows. Journal of Primary Prevention, 15, 209-246.

Coney ebook (5.01MB)

Lifestyle

Transcript of Coney ebook (5.01MB)