The Enquirer.

Victory for Israeli hawks disappoints Israeli vultures

DOCTORS have informed the

British press that the Jade Goody

saga has just weeks left before it

finally dies for ever.

Tabloid editors everywhere have been left shocked by the news. Fight-­ing back the tears, one said:

“This is unfortunate. We’ve given over months of column inches turn-­ing a “slovenly, racist chav” into the “most courageous woman in Britain”, and to hear she’s actually going to die is a bit of a shame, really. What’s

important now is that Jade’s last few weeks are as lucrative as possible. She has our full support there!”

Miss Goody is reportedly in talks with OK! magazine for a full-­issue funeral spread.

• There has been yet more sadness at the news that Jade Goody’s friend and PR consultant, Max Clifford, remains alive and well and disease-­free. “It’s such a shame”, said every-­body, “that he’s not (cont. page 2)

IN AN ELECTION

closely fought in the

skies over Gaza, the

hyper-­right-­wing Re-­

pressah appears to have

emerged victorious over

the ultra-­right-­wing

F16 Glory of Zion par-­

ty, disappointing right-­

wing Israelis nowhere.

Said a spokesman:“By God’s will we will

continue to expand the (continued forever and ever)

The Israeli Political Spectrum at-­a-­glance

CAYMAN ISLANDBritain’s leading off-shore fashion retailer

Financial Meltdown 2009

CLOSING DOWN SALE*

Due to the American financial authorities closing in on the world’s

leading fraudsters, CAYMAN ISLAND is swiftly announcing its

biggest sell-off of stolen and misappropriated stock EVER!

ALL LINES REDUCED! Just look at the savings on men’s suits:

BROWN TROUSERS — reduced to ZERO!

That’s right — they’re ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS!!

The CAYMAN ISLAND sale cannot last. Invest all your capital in

a dodgy scheme NOW and see its price halve and then disappear

into NOTHING as the bank comes to take your house away!

Just look at this testimony from one gullible investor:

“The CAYMAN ISLAND sale seemed too good to be true—because it was. Now I’ve lost absolutely

everything and want to commit suicide” * Subject to improving regulatory controls. so, er, possibly not many, to be honest.

YOUR VIEWS ...................................................

......................... Because they “matter” and stuff, yeah?

Jade Goody

“... I mean, everybody knows about AIDs, but what about cancer?? I think Jade Goody deserves praise for finally bringing this terrible dis-ease to the public’s attention. I mean, this just proves that anyone can catch it, even the rich and talentless.” — Felicity, office temp, Bungay

“Feel well sorry 4 her---wud h8 2 lose all MY hair, wud b well rubbish!! get well soon xxxxxxxx” — JoJo, via text message

13-year-old dad

“Really shocking, really really shocking. 13 years old?? Unbelievable—I was 17 before I got laid. Nice one” — Justin, Grunting Crotches

JOBS CLASSIFIED........................

...................................

Goody story “has just weeks to live”by Rivers O’Crocodile Tears

Goody story: “Still got wheels”

Jimmy Carter Doves Envoy (no seats)

Socialists(no hope)

The Rest(no peace)

Left RightCentre

by God’s Chosen Correspondents

An  Academic  Writes:  The  alarming  propensity  of  the  British  Underclass  to  breed  copiously  and  at  will  is  well-­documented.  To  quell  the  grim  spectre  of  disfigurement  within  the  native  gene  pool,  what  is  needed,  first  of  all,  is  to  establish  the  obligatory  sterilisation  of  all  council  tenants  at  birth.  This  will  enable  the  state  to  imple-­ment  what  I  term  a  system  of  “Benign  Eugenics”,  whereby  (—yes,  erm,  better  cut  this  one  short  I  think)

SOCIAL SCIENCE NEWS.....................................

In  advance  of  a  public  forum  to  be  held  at  the  University  of  East  Angular  to  discuss  Kiddie  Chav  Dad  Disorder,  and  simi-­lar  contagious  infections  of  the  tabloid  gland,  to  be  chaired  by  Professor  Red  Topp  Trascher

GORDON BROWN is to praise

the government’s achievements in

tackling home-­grown extremism in

a speech to the party faithless.

The Prime Minister will be refer-­ring to the recent news that the far-­right British National Party is expect-­ed to win two seats in the forthcoming European elections.

“My government pledged to rid Britain of extremist individuals and here is that promise in action. Two highly dangerous individuals, mem-­bers of the extremist BNP party, are being taken off our streets and relo-­cated to Brussels, where (cont. page 5)

Brown cheers ondepartureof BNPhatemongers

TRASHNEWSPHOTOS.COM

GAZA PROTEST

Oh  when  will  

the  Occupation  

end?

As  soon  as  we’ve  

run  out  of  crisps

Your  classes  have  

been  cancelled

You  have  our  full  

support!

Dear Betty and Ted