Complete Guide To Assertive Livingunit 8

Its not what you say,

its how you say it.

Role playChoose 5 volunteers to role play: 4 complainants and 1 clerk.1] Nonassertive complainant

2] Aggressive complainant

3] passive aggressive

4] Assertive complainant

One person will volunteer to be Mikail;

Give each volunteer time to study their roles.Each complainant will be given a copy of the book.

Plot Material aid: 6 copies of a book on assertivenessA counter with the book store sales person behind it. The moderator will read the scene and introduce the participants and their roles.Mike is the clerk.A dissatisfied customer who wishes to return a defective copy of: Everything you always wanted to know about assertiveness, but were too timid to ask to the bookstore.

The clerk in the book store. [ 2 copies of the book with him]

Scene 1:the nonassertive complainant approaches him Scene 2: the aggressive complainant approaches himScene 3:The passive aggressiveScene 4: the assertive complainant approaches him

Using essentially the same words:

I bought this book here last week, and discovered that 20 pages were missing. Id like a good copy or my money back.

Role play

We observe 4 different ways:

The participants are allotted their role play slips.

And the role play starts.

After the role play the following slides will be reviewed to analyze the key components of behavior.

1] Nonassertive

Nonassertive/ passive complainant walks slowly and hesitantly to the counter. His eyes are downcast at the floor. He speaks just above a whisper. His face looks as if it belongs on the cover of a book. He has a tight grip on the book. And a please dont hurt me posture.

2] AggressiveAggressive complainant swaggers toward the counter, glares at mike, addresses him in a voice heard all over the store. The posture and fist-like gestures are an obvious attempt to intimidate the clerk.

3] Passive aggressive

Incongruence Words are passive Actions are aggressive We stare and roll our eyes but deny that anything is wrong.

4] AssertiveThe assertive walks up to the counter facing the clerk Mikail. He stands relaxed and erect, smiles, and looks directly at Mikail with a friendly expression; he states the message, gesturing to point out the flaw in the book.

[ Mikails role]The nonassertive, self defeating style say to mikail that is customer is a pushover, and the slightest resistance will cause him to give up and go away.

The second aggressive approach may achieve the goal of refund or exchange, but the aggressive customer will leave with Mikail s hostility directed at his back.

Passive aggressive: mikail will be somewhat confused.

With the assertive approach, the complainant gets what he came for, and Mikail feels good about having helped solve a problem for an appreciative customer.

Key components of assertive behavior

Eye contactBody postureDistance or physical contactGesturesFacial expressions Voice tone, inflection, volume Fluency Timing Listening Thoughts Content

1] Eye contact:

There are cultural differences however, A relaxed steady gaze looking away occasionally as is comfortable. The gaze should neither be shifty nor an intense stare. The gaze should show an interest in and a respect for the other person.

2] Body posture:

Some people will talk by only turning their head towards the other person and keeping their torso facing away. . But the torso turned slightly towards the other person makes the conversation more personal. An active and erect posture while facing the person directly lends assertiveness.

3] Distance or physical contact

One can see the cultural differences in situations such as in standing in a cue, in an elevator or in how people greet each otherin how much distance to keep.

Standing or sitting very close or touching can reflect intimacy

orBeing too close may offend the other person and be taken as an intrusion into his personal space.So be sensitive to the comfort level of the other person.

4] Gestures:

A relaxed use of gestures can add depth or power to your message by emphasizing warmth, and openness. Uninhibited movement also suggests openness, spontaneity and confidence. [Unless the gestures are erratic and nervous]

5] Facial expressions:

Have you ever tried to be angry while smiling or laughing? Thats right, it doesnt come across.

Effective assertion requires an expression that agrees with the message.

An angry message is clearest when delivered with a straight, non smiling countenance. A friendly communication should not be delivered with a frown. Let your face say the same thing that your words are saying.

6] Voice tone, inflection, volume:

The way we use our voice is a vital element in our communication. The same words spoken through clenched teeth in anger, offer an entirely different message that when they are shouted with joy or whispered in fear.

A level , well modulated conversational tone is convincing without being intimidating.

Three dimensions of voice:

1 Tone: [ is it raspy, whiny, seductive, soft angry?]

2 Inflection: [do you emphasize certain syllables , as in a question? They were married last summer.They were married last summerThey were married last summer.They were married last summer?Or speak in a monotone, Or with a sing song effect?

Voice 3 Volume: [ do you try to gain attention with a whisper of try to over power people with loudness, or is it very difficult for you to shout even when you want to?

If you can control and use your voice effectively, you have acquired a powerful tool in your self expression.

7] Fluency:

Clear and slow comments are more easily understood than rapid speech which is erratic and filled with long pauses or stammering. A speech interrupted by long pauses shows hesitation and is boring.Notice pauses of three seconds or more.. or fillers such as uuhh.. you know you see

8] Timing:

In general we advocate spontaneity as a goal. Sometimes the ideal moment has passed yet it is still worthwhile to express your feelings later on.

Yet it is not advisable to confront someone in front of others.

9] Listening:The most difficult component to describe and to change is listening;

Tuning in: stopping all other activities such as T.V, phone etc.Attending: to the message, make eye contact if possible, nod to show you hear , perhaps touch him or her too. Paraphrase what the other is saying. Modify your paraphrasing till you get closet to the meaning intended.Actively attempting to understand the feeling behind the words. Paraphrasing or and questioning rather than trying to interpret.

Assertiveness includes respect for the rights and feelings of others. That means assertive receiving .. sensitivity to others as well as assertive sending

10] Thoughts:

This escapes direct observation but one knows it intuitively. Recent research has been focusing on the cognitive dimensions of behavior.

An event takes placeA person sees it and Interprets it internally Generates the emotion The person reacts in some way

11- Content:

Express your feelingsUse I language not you

Saying no or taking stands:State your position: I feel..Explain your reasons: because/ when.Express understanding.. I see how you feelI want.. I need you to..

Content .. Continued Asking favours and asserting rights: State the problemMake a requestGet a clarificationFinally express feelings in words

SyntonicsCreate rapport by sensory matching

by listening to the words the other is using. I see what you mean.. a visual personI hear what you are saying.. reflects an auditory person.. Tactile: I feel for you.so match your words to align with the other persons thinking.

What you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it. Appropriate..

Homework : Evaluate yourself on a scale of 0 to 10 on each of the components.

Thank you .