https://learn.extension.org/events/2588

This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.

Communication “In the Crunch”

Connecting military family service providers to research and to each other

through innovative online programming

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Connecting military family service providers to research and to each other

through innovative online programming

MFLN Intro

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Join the Conversation Online!

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MFLN Military Caregiving

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Military Families Learning Network

Webinar Presenter – Jane Riffe

• Professor, Therapist• Research & Teaching in:

• Couple and Relationship Education

• Mindfulness to reduce everyday stress

• Co-Parenting Strategies

• Podcasts for MFLN online for your use

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Communication in the “Crunch”

Jane Riffe, Ed.D., LICSW, LPCAssociate Professor, Retired

West Virginia University Extension

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Today we will…

Identify personal agendas that limit communication and undermine relationships.

Describe practices which open communication possibilities.

Identify specific ways to improve your communication style under stress.

Please use the chat to share!7

Guiding Principles

• Empower families

• Work as partners, not from “one-up” position.

• Individuals and families are experts in their own experiences.

• Daily choice points in communication affect relationships.

• Mindfully notice slips and correct the course.

• Permission to use all handouts

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Poor Communication

• #1 reason couples split up• Excessive family conflict• Ineffective problem solving • Children: More behavior and school

problems• Weak emotional bonding• Physical and mental health risks for adults

and kids 9

Satisfied with Communication

• Relationship satisfaction and stability• Admiration for each other• Confidence in current and future ability to resolve

unavoidable problems• Better mental and physical health• Increased longevity• Fewer lost work days

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Benefits to Children

• More effective parenting• Better academic performance• Better health behaviors• Reduced school misbehavior

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Our Intention

• Clear• Courteous• Compassionate• Connected

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The Reality

• Times you have missed this mark?• Percentage of times you feel you really

communicated or listened? 50%?

• What problems have you have experienced communicating with your families?

• What communication problems have you have seen in your families?

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“The Crunch”

Losing Agendas in Relationships

1. Being right2. Controlling the other person3. Unbridled self-expression4. Retaliation5. Withdrawal

Terrence Real (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. www.terryreal.com

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#1 Being Right!

• According to whom?

• Her Truth vs. His Truth

• I know what is best for you.

• Endless battles “persuading” the other

• Leads to frustration and anger

• Can become abusive or disempowering

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Would you rather: Be Right or Be in Relationship?

Share via Chat

• Have you ever found yourself in this Being Right cycle?

• How did it work for you?

• How about being on the receiving end of listening to someone who always has to be right?

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#2 Control

• Trying to get another adult to do/not do something

• Often cloaked as advice, teaching, care-giving Don’t you think you should…?

• Comes from one-up position, “I know what you need better than you know for yourself.”

• Can be direct or indirect (manipulation)• People don’t like being controlled. Payback is

inevitable.

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#3 Unbridled Self-Expression

• Misconception: “I have the right and need to share all my feelings with you right now.”

• Myth: Spontaneously sharing all my thoughts will increase closeness.

• Truth: Better to think before you speak • This might be called the “Barf Bag” approach to

relationships.

• Your experiences with those who use this approach?

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#4 Retaliation

• Offending from the victim position “I’ll get you back.”

• Trying to “make you feel what I feel.”• Can be explicit or covert (passive aggressive)• Verbal, financial, physical• Can be a reaction to control

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#5 Withdrawal

Turning away Angry silence or passive resignation

Unwilling to stay with an important talk “Stonewalling” (Gottman)

Differs > Responsible Distance Taking “I love you.” “I will be back.” “We can discuss this later, I just can’t productively do it now.”

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So what are your favorites?

• Think about the last argument you had with your partner/spouse/child/or close friend.

• Knowing your own tendencies can help you change a pattern and recognize it in others.

• “Learn first what you want to teach to others.”

• How might you use the Losing Strategies Quiz with your clients, co-workers, family?

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Five Losing Agendas

Vote for the strategy you recognize that you do most often.

1. Being right2. Controlling the other person3. Unbridled self-expression4. Retaliation5. Withdrawal

Thank you!23

Recipe for Communication

• Reflective listening • Encouragement • Compromise and cooperation • I messages • Practice • Engagement Adapted from Penn State FRIDGE (Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group Experiences) curriculum.http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge

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Listen with Curiosity

Put yourself aside, you are at their service.Goal: Help them feel betterGoal: The other person feels understoodBe fascinated in how s/he sees it differently.

Tips for staying curious: (REFLECTION)“So this is what is going on for you, right?”“If I am understanding, you are feeling super irritated

with…and want….am I getting it?”

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RASA – The “Juice”

• Receive • Appreciate• Summarize• Ask

Julian Treasure – 5 Ways to Listen Better TED Talk: https://youtu.be/cSohjlYQI2A?t=330

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Encourage! 5:1 Ratio

• Be positive• 5 positive: 1 negative (Gottman)• Frequently give verbal compliments to those you

love.• Don’t assume they know how much you

appreciate them.• Give weekly “Family Hero” awards

FamilyHero!

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Compromise

• No one ever gets everything they want.• Cooperate to find solutions.• Be willing to let go of hurt feelings to move

forward.• Find ways to work together rather than fight.• “If you help me with the checkbook, I will fix us a

nice meal.”

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Shift from Complaint to Request

Complaining is not the easiest path to change.• Avoid the temptation to criticize or blame. • “What’s past is past.” • State your request - ask for specific behaviors

that will make you feel better right now “Reasonable and “Video-clear” “Going forward, I’d really like if you talked it over with

me before making appointments/decisions that affect us both.”

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Respectful Requests:Say What You Want Using “I”

“When you yell at me/roll your eyes,

I make up that you are really tired of all this work, and

I feel scared that you might leave.” “What I’d like is for you is to let me know when you are feeling overwhelmed and about to blow, maybe we can be in different rooms for a while, then come back to talk it through.” (future) 30

Practice, Practice, Practice

• Expect that conscious communication can be feel unnatural at first.

• Acknowledge “Right, it seems a little weird. We are trying to speak more kindly and directly to make our family happier.”

• Allow other family members time to get the new style and skills.

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Engagement

• Give your loved ones your full attention.• When you can’t, say so and agree to listen later.

“Susie, I really want to hear what you are saying and I can’t focus right now.

Would it be okay if I just finished this and then we could talk in about 10 minutes?”

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Engagement

• Favor your right ear.• Avoid interrupting or re-directing the conversation

to your concerns.• Set aside judgment. Exhale slowly when you

notice judgment in words or thoughts.• Not necessary to agree or like someone, just

withhold blame or criticism to fully understand.

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Remember Love!

If you have to choose between being kind

and being right, choose being kind

and you’ll always be right.

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“Magic Days” Experiment

• Decide on 2-3 Magic Days for the week ahead.• Magic Days give you the power to experiment

with new moves in your communication. • Pick one thing, like changing a complaint to a

request, or telling your partner or child what you cherish about her or him.

• On magic days, you can’t do the same old thing.• On ordinary days, continue with how you have

always talked with others.• See if you notice a difference.

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Your Plan?

Based on today’s presentation, please write:

• Two specific things you will do to improve your communication when you are “in the crunch.

-OR-• One significant thing you learned today?

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Questions?

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Resources

• Futris, Ted. 9 Important Skills for Every Relationship (Downloadable Tip Sheet) http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/extension-resources-publications-enrich-couple-relationships

• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.

• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication. Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092. https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html

• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com

• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military Families Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-podcasts/

• ELEVATE for couples – Downloadable couples education curriculum blending practical skills with an understanding of the physiology of human interaction to enhance couple communication and relationship satisfaction http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/elevate 38

References

• Adler‐Baeder, F., Calligas, A., Skuban, E., Keiley, M., Ketring, S., & Smith, T. (2013). Linking changes in couple functioning and parenting among couple relationship education participants. Family Relations, 62(2), 284-297.

• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.• FRIDGE Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group Experiences Curriculum) http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication  Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092. https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.

Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com• Robles, T. R. (2014). Marital quality and health: Implications for marriage in the 21st century.

Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 427-432.• Schneider, B., Atteberry, A., & Owens, A. (2005). Family matters: Family structure and child

outcomes. Retrieved from http://www.acpeds.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/FamilyMatters.pdf

• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military Families Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-podcasts/

• Wiley, A., Adler-Baeder, F., & Warzinik, K. (2012). Care for self: Maintaining physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual wellness. In Futris, T. G. & Adler-Baeder, F. Eds. (2013). The national extension relationship and marriage education model: Core teaching concepts for relationship and marriage enrichment programming. www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/nermem-book-chapters

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www.extension.org/62581

42This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.