Comedy - Dramatic Publishing

A Full-Length Comedy

I~I••II.Ii I~e I~;ll;llil it\~

BY GARY PETERSON AND DAVID BYRNE

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY

.............J' J'" " v. tI'••••tI'••••J'. © The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

*** NOTICE *** The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled exclusively by TIlE DRAMATIC PUBUSHING COMPANY without whose permission in writing no perfonnance of it may be giVerL Royalty fees are given in our current catalogue and are subject to change without notice. Royalty must be paid every time a play is performed whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged. A play is perfonned anytime it is acted before an audience. All inquiries concerning amateur and stock rights should be addres;ed to:

DRAMATIC PUBUSIDNG P. O. Box 129, Woodstock, illinois 6CX>98.

COPYRIGHT LAW GIVES THE AurHOR OR THE AurHOR'S AGENT TIlE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT W MAKE COPIES. This law provides authors with a fair return for their creative efforts. Authon; earn their living from the royalties they receive from book sales and from the performance of their work Conscientious ohiervance of copyright law is not only ethical, it encourages authors to continue their creative work This work is fully protected by copyright No alterations, deletions or sul:6titutions may be made in the work without the prior written consent of the publisher. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any me3llS, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, videotape, film, or any infonnation storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. It may not be performed either by professionals or amateurs without payment of royalty. All rights, including but not limited to the professional, motion picture, radio, television, videotape, foreign language, tabloid, recitation, lecturing, publication, and reading are reserved On all programs this notice should appear:

"'Produced by special arrangement with TIlE DRAMATIC PUBUSHING COMPANY of Woodstock, lllinois"

~MCMLXXVIll by GARY PETERSON and DAVID BYRNE

Printed in the United States of America All Rights Reserved

(KLONDIKE KALAMITY)

ISBN 0-87129-572-5

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

KLONDIKE KALAMITY

A FuJI-Length Melodrama For Six Men and Three Women

plus a Be~r*

CHARACTERS

NELL OUDT a sweet and innocent girl

WARREN OUDT her father

ROGER B. UPRIGHT a midnight visitor

FARLEY GOODBODY a stranger in disguise

VI LLAIN (FANGDUSTER T. BARRELBOTTOM, VIII a nasty character

CHIEF WAPAKONETTA a determined Eskimo

GWENDOLYN OUDT a face fro m the past

PRINCE K'NOOK an educated man

JUS-riCE DUNN an iti nerant judge

BRUNO a bear

PLACE: Somewhere in the Yukon Territory

TI ME : December, 1888

*Bruno, the bear, is seen only as a furry arm coming through an open window. No lines.

3


CHART OF STAGE POSITIONS

FOOTL.GtI .... S

STAGE POSITIONS

Upstage means away from the footlights, downstage means toward the footlights, and right and left are used with reference to the actor as he faces the audience. R means right, L means left, U means up, D means down, C means center, and these abbreviations are used in combination, as: DR for up right, R C for right center, D Lefor douJn left center, etc. A territory designated on the stage refers to a general area, rather than to a given point.

NOTE: Before starting rehearsals, chalk off your stage or rehearsal space as indicated above in the Chart of Stage Positions. Then teach your actors the meanings and positions of these fundamental terms of stage movement by havin[ them walk from one position to another until they are familiar with them. The use of these abbreviated terms in directing the play saves time, speeds up rehear sals, and reduces the amount of explanation the director has to give to his actors.

4


ACT ONE

SCENE: Yukon Territory, 1888. The small and hurrtble cabin of Warren Dudt, a poor free-lance lumberjack. Upstage along the wall L is an old wooden table topped by an upturned bench, both of which are stored there when not in use for dining. Next to them stands a small kitchen stove. At DL, is a compact little cot. Along the wall R can be seen a si mple chest, DR and beyond it, the front door. In the corner UR leans a spind Iy coatrack with one well-worn shawl hanging from it. Along the back wall, URC, there is a simple fireplace, and the faded daguerreotypes of various members of the Dudt family which rest on the mantelpiece giving a cozy touch to this isolated, but tidy I little outpost. Above the mantelpiece, an aging Confederate flag is proudly displayed; also a mounted shotgun. ULC, along the back wall between the fireplace and the table, is a curtained window which opens outward. 'n front of the fireplace an inconspicuous air bellows, a small stool and a bearskin rug round out the picture.

AT RISE OF CURTAIN: A terrible snowstorm can be heard 'raging outsid'e the ·cabio as NELLI E OUDT stokes UR a tiny blaze in the fireplace. The wind howls even louder, and sh~ worriedly crosses to the window to look through the curtain. The entire cabin is buffeted by a violent gust; she hurries back to the fireplace. Casting a troubled glance at her father's portrait, she steps C to address audience:

5


KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act I

NELL. Oh, how the merciless furies of nature tear at this humble abode! Would that the dying embers of this tiny fire could

warm more than body alone, for I am frozen to the marrow with anxiety of the tardiness of my beloved father. (She takes his photograph from the mantelpiece.) It was on a night such as this in early April that dear Papa ventured out

boldly into the frozen waste in search of a friendly mining camp whence he could obtain his annual pack of cigarettes and newspaper. To think, at this very instant, he may be struggling somewhere, alone, helpless, lost in the clutches

of this relentless blizzard I Listen how the wi nd wai Is' (Offstage voices: IWaill") Alas, since his departure my

tender heart weeps with loneliness, and the dim hope of

companionship seems but hapless self-deception. Indeed,

not one single solitary soul has entered into my miserable

existence ... (Outside window, three steady, we II-paced

knocks are heard.) ... except Bruno. Truly, were it not

for Bruno1s daily visits my solitude would surely lead to

madness. His reassuring voice beckons me along roads of hope and happiness I (A low grow I is heard.) Hark ~ Even now he callsl (The window swings open. As NELL runs to it, a huge bear arm comes groping in.) Dearest friend, the hours between your visits are unbearable' (Takes

bear's arm.) Is there anything I can do for you today? (A growl of hunger.) Oh, he is weak with hunger' Would you like to share my meager fare of flapjacks again? (A

growl of affirmation.) Alas, these mere dozen are the last I can procure, as now the stock are deplete. (She takes a panful of flapjacks from the stove and places them with in

Bruno's grasp.) Nevertheless, as always, we sha II share.


Act I KLONDIKE KALAMITY Page 7

(As she daintily lifts a coin-sized flapjack from the batch, Bruno swipes the entire panful.) Even though I cannot foresee whence tomorrow's meal comes, we shall proceed with our custom of eating together, praying all the while for some

miracle to descend on us from above. (A growl of sympathy as a clean tray with a bear-sized bite out of it is returned.)

Oh, Bruno, you are a good and trusty friend, but how I wish

you could speak the King's English! (A growl of great sadness.) If only there were someone, anyone, who could talk

back to me! But, reluctantly, I subm it myself to the cruel design of fate; there is not one single solitary soul within

miles to enter into my miserable existence ... (Outside the

door R, three steady, well-paced knocks are heard.) WARREN (outside R). Nelliel Nellie girl! Open the door, child.

I can't seem to get my keys out! NELL. 'Tis my father! He must not see us together; he would

never understand. Fly, quicklyl (Bruno's arm goes out as

NELL closes window.) Coming, Father I (She hurriedly

adjusts her hair and dress, then opens door.) Oh, Father, you're hamel

(WARREN enters, accompanied by a whistling wind and a thrown bucketful of IJsnow." It covers the shawl and hat he wears and the bags 9f groceries he is loaded down with.)

WAR REN. Thundering Tundra I It's so cold out there I had to put anti ~freeze in my canteen' Br-r-r, I've seen some angry northers in my day, but th is!

NELL (turning to him after hanging his shawl on the coatrack). Oh, Father, you are frostbit! (She looks in the bags.) Food'



(Moving to embrace him.) Oh, Father! WARREN (pulling away). If you value your ruby red lips, dearest

child, do not kiss this walking iciclel NELL. Then come, warm your toes by our small fire. WARREN. Toes I I had to chop them off to use as earplugs when

I crossed the timber line!

NELL (hand to forehead). Oh, despairl

WARREN. All is not lost, my dear, I have retrieved a newspaper.

NE LL. And what of the cigarettes? WARREN (wistfully). Oh ... I lost them.

NELL. Then we must make do with what we have, Father. Pray, what provisions did you bring to help us through this heart

less winter?

WAR REN. Well, dear heart, knowing your partiality to flapjacks,

I bought two bags of flour and some eggs ... a few necessities. .. (The IInecess ities" might include Frosted Flakes,

Cool-Whip, Snowy Bleach, Kool-Aid, Ivory Snow, all of which he upends from the bags near stove among varioussized ice cubes. A newspaper also is among the Hgroceries.")

NELL. Oh, I could sing with joy! WAR REN. Donlt chirp yet, dearest. When this meager ration is

gone, only Providence can tell from whence will come our next meal. Whilst going through my tattered trousers in the mining camp, I found that our paltry savings had dwindled to nothingness. Oh, angstl What are we then to do?

NELL (near tears, yet optimistic). Oh, Father, do not torment

yourself' You are yet a dilig'ent lumberjack; surely you will find a wayl

WARREN. In a blizzard like this I can It even find the trees' NELL. Then sit and warm your weary bones. Somehow we shall

weather this crisis.



WARREN (sitting on the stool in front of fireplace; fondly). Your innocent faith shines like the northern star, my precious. You are indeed the light of my life.

NELL. I shall hear no more of sadness and grief. (Hands WARREN the newspaper.) Enjoy your newspaper whilst I light the stove, for our tummies sha II sing with flapjacks this night. (A growl denoting eavesdropping is heard outside.) Oh, Bruno! (Window opens, bear arm romes in.) Be patient, dear friend, they will not be long in coming.

WARREN (looking up from newspaper, doing double-take to window). Muckraking mongooses' Where's my hunting knife? (He jumps up.)

NELL. Run, Bruno! (Closes window on BrunoJs arm; he roars. She opens window and bear arm goes out.) Run for dear life) (She runs to WARREN.) Papa, pleasel Do not harm my dearest friend and constant companion'

WAR REN (aghast, to audience). Walloping walruses! live been away too long I

NELL (at window). He is safely away_ Oh, beat again, my fragile heart r

WARREN. Nellie ... Nellie. I should have known these endless nights would surely take their toll on you.

NELL (go in 9 t~ him). Father dear, Bruno asked on Iy my fla pjacks in return for his friendly visits. He was a good and true guardian always. You must believe me ...

WARREN (sitting with her near fireplace). Perhaps. (Sadly.) But I am heavy with dismay. Surely it is my fault you haven 't had the benefit of a friendly human voice or the guidance of a hand that wasn't covered with fur. (Slowly removes hat.) If only your dear mother were here to help.


KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act r

NELL. Oh, Father. Pray do not burden yourself with the terrible memory of her disappearance.

WARREN. No, the nightmare of it will not return her to me, so for your sake, Nell, I shall not be reminded of it. (His voice rises.) I shall not be reminded of that cursed day fifteen years ago when she and your elder sister Gwenda Iyn di sappeared mysteriously while ice-fishing on the frozen Poppycock pond

... Gwendolyn was but a toddling tot at the time ... NELL. I know, Father, , know ... (Snapping out of it.) Let us

be haunted by the dim tragedy no longer. WARREN. Dim, perhaps to you, Nellie dear, but a heartbreaking

calamity for me to this day. (Breaking down.) Oh, hope

lessnessl

NELL. Father, please ... (An inspiration.) Read me from the paper, Father, as you did when I was small. (Aside to audience.) Perhaps I can replace his bitter memory with a

pleasant one. (To WAR REN again.) Oh , the wonderful stories you would entice me with, till I drifted sweetly off to sleep on this very spot, with visions of romantic Mounties and fair maidens dancing in my head. Please, Father, read again to me.

WARREN (after a huge sniffle). Very well, Nellie-pie. Let's see what we have here ... Ahemt (He reads:) IIStumpy Goober

lost five teeth last week in a drunken brawl over the favors of a soiled dove in Nome. When questioned, Stumpy explained ... II (Grows wide-eyed.)

NE LL (innocence personified). What did Mr. Stumpy say I Father? WARREN. Never mindl ... (Talking to himself as he riffles to

another page.) There/s no place like Nome. . .. Hmmm,

says we can expect a mild winter. (Wind wails.) Of course, this news is a few months old by now.


Act I KLONDI KE KALAMITY Page 11

NELL. Is there nothing then, Father, of our noble Royal Canadian Mounted Police, defenders of the weak, and builders of civilization?

WARREN. By gum, there is a big story here of a certain Mountie.

NELL (enraptured). Do they want to award him for assisting some

sorry soul in a snowbound settlement?

WARREN. No ... they want to capture him for burning down a village!

NELL (horrified). A Mountie? Is it possible?

WARREN. An Indian village. Says here he's eluded capture so

far, but that when they find him he'll be dismounted without

delay and chastised severely.

NELL. A dismounted Mountie. Oh, the shame of itl WARREN. There's a rotten raccoon in every pack! All I can say

is if that turncoat remains at large he'd do well to give our

humble cabin a wide berth. A friendly Indian village' Whimpering whales! How could he disgrace his honored uniform in so dastard Iy a fashion?

NELL (worried). I cannot sleep tonight, Father, knowing such a villain ison the loose.

WARREN. There now, Nellie. The news is so old they may well have captured him already. Fear not, child. On a furious night such as this - - (Wind howls even louder.) - - there surely canJ:lot be one single solitary soul within miles of this place. (Knock, knock, knock on the door. Both freeze.)

NELL (innocently). Who do you suppose that could be? WAR REN (just as innocently). I donlt know. (Calls.) Who is it?

(There is no answer. WARREN, with NELL close behind,

inches toward door and opens it. Followed by a blast of .

wind and a bucketful of snow, ROGER B. UPRlGHT stands weakly in the doorway I dressed in beggarly cloth ing.



He carries a small bag.) Well, stranger, what maya poor free-lance lumberjack and his lovely daughter do for you? (ROGER falls into WARREN's arms.)

NELL. Who could this frozen wayfarer of the wild north be? WARREN (dragging ROGER to fireplace). I know not, child I

Let us guide him to our fire; mayhap thence he will be restored to his norma I vigor.

NELL (kneeling with ROGER's head in her lap). I wonder what could bring such a handsome young man this far from civilization? Surely this noble gentleman could not be one of the many wandering rogues and ruffians who have been known to frequent this forgotten territory, fleeing from the hands of justice. I can see his pure heart in his eyes.

WARREN. They look glazed to me. (Aside.) Can my inexperienced daughter be blinded by this young man's good looks?

NELL. Surely you are not looking with the same light I am. (Aside.) Much as I should suspect this stranger, I feel, for the first time in my young and innocent life, an irrational trust in him. This man could harm no one. (To WARREN.) Father, look I There is a name on his carrying bag!

WAR REN (interested). What does it say? NELL (reading). Upright, Roger B. WARREN (a light dawning). What was that name? NELL. Roger B. Upright. WARREN (frantically to himself). WhereJs that periodical?

(Scans newspaper; equates visually to ROGER.) Blue eyes ... red cheeks ... lantern jaw ... tousled hair . .. Bed ~

ridden baby beavers' This is the bounder who burned that Indian billage ... uh, villager

NELL. What is it, Father? What IS wrong? WARREN (aside). I cannot let her trusting heart know. (To



NELL.) Oh, nothing. NELL. Something in the paper? Let me seel WARREN (keeping it away). Er , I"think this fire needs more fuel

if it is to revive our frozen guest. (Tosses ne\tvspaper in fire.) NELL (as ROGERJs inert form shivers). Look, Father, he thaws!

There must be something I can do to assist his recovery. Perhaps, in some miraculous way, the warmth of my tender young heart will defrost this tundra traveler. (Holds ROGER"s head even closer to her heart.)

WARREN (aside). Every bone in my work-worn body tells me to throw this turncoat of the territories out to the wolves. And yet ... I have never seen such a glow in my daughterls fair cheek as when she gazes upon him. Oh, decisions, decisions'

NELL (softly, to ROGER). Can you hear me? (Aside.) He is almost more handsome than I can bead

WARREN (aside). I simply cannot break her lonely heart with th~

painfu I truth about th is scalawag - - not yet, at least. It is enough that I know; but I shall remain ever on guard, lest he wend h is wi les on her innocence. Besides , hels better than Bruno by a long shot.

ROGER (softly). Have I died in the blizzard and gone to heaven? Are you possibly the Angel of Mercy I have dreamed of so sweetly sinGe childhood? Surely no mere mortal could be

blessed with such breathtaking beauty. NELL (aside). Could this mean he likes me as well? (To ROGER.)

Pray do not tax your strength, for your lips have taken aI

terrible chapping. ROGE R (aside). Her voice laughs with the music of a clear trick

ling stream. (To NELL.) My last memory is of battling the

relentless storm. How in the name of heaven did I arrive in such a desirable position?


KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act'

WARREN. You are safe in the humble cabin of I, Warren Dudt,

a poor but honest lumberjack, and proud son of the late

sovereign Confederacy. (Sa lutes flag.) ROGER (his eyes always on NELL). And you, then, are his ...

devoted wife? (Aside.) Oh, say it ain't sol

NELL. No, I am his loving but spinster daughter, Nellie Dudt. ROGE R (a pause). Well, I feel warmer already.... (Tries to

rise.)

.WARREN. Steady now, Mr. Upright ...

ROGER (thunderstruck; face to audience). How do you know my name? (Steps toward audience.) Is it possible they have

learned of the heinous crime - - a crime I've been falsely accused of? For until I can seek out in this trackless waste the true culprit and bring him to a long-awaited justice, I am myself a hunted fugitive, with only my conscience and

the north wind to attest to my innocence. (Wind howls accordingly.)

NELL. Why, it was here on your traveling bag. Here ... (Holds out bag to him.)

ROGER (aside). Then they are as yet unaware of my predicament. Oh, I can breathe again I (Looking at his name.) I see ... (Their faces almost meet; they gaze closely at each other.)

WARREN (aside). Moonshining muskratsl I can tolerate this charade no longer. Time to set this villain straight as to my knowledge of this nefarious deed. Still, I cannot upset young Nell. Somehow I must subtly engage her elsewhere whilst I have a private word with Upright. Er ... Nelliel Get over

on the far side of the room' NELL. Shall I prepare our guest some flapjacks, Father?

WARREN. Say, that's a fine ideal (To himself.) Oh, Warren,



you are a crafty one!

NE L L. Surely you are in a desperate need of a warm serving ... Roger.

ROGE R. I appreciate not so much the mea I itself as I do the

hospitality of the one who prepares it ... Nell. NELL (aside). He is as poetic as he is handsome. (Turning to

stove.) Oh, joy in heaven!

ROGE R (aside). She is a vision on earth. (To himself.) Watch

out, my foolish heart'

WARREN. Rightthisway,Mr.Upright. (Leads him DR.) ROGER. Such a gallant old gentleman. (Safely away from NELL,

WARREN whirls on ROGER.)

WARREN (in an undertone). Now listen to me, you bedwetting

bag of soybeans~ I know all about your village-burn ing

hobby - - (ROGE R reacts in horror.) - - and rest assured my

eye is upon you till the moment you leave my home, which

may well be in the armed company of the Royal Canadian

Mounted Police ...

ROGE R (hands to throat). Oh, frustration! Let me explain ...

WAR REN. There's nothing more to say~

NELL (from stove). Flapjacks coming up! And lumpy, Father,

just as you like them. ROGER. If you'd only let me ... (Quizzically.) You like

lumpy flapjacks?

WA R REN. Are you out of your mind? Of course I don't. Poor

dear, she tries, but she's just not the cook her - - (Hat off.)

- - mother was. '" Oh, Nell, this time take the eggs out

of their shells before you mix them, won't you, dear? (To

ROGER.) It is only because of my love for her that you are not this moment back in the clutches of the white fury

outside. (Wind howls louder.)


KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act 1

ROGER (aside). I am afire with fear for the possible answer to my

next question. (To WARREN.) Is Nell aware ... If nice

!\Iell knew ...

WARREN. No, no. Nothing. Nell need not ever know ... Oh,

my tongue~

ROGER. Thank heaven.

WAR REN. Your kindness to her has been your saving grace so

far. Provided your amorous advances are kept in check you

may stay, for I can never approve of a disgraced dismounted

Mountie as a suiter. (More gently.) But fear not. Though

I remain uncertain what to do about you, I am sure you are

safe from your captors for the time being. (Wind rises.) On

a terrible night such as this, there can1t pO,ssibly be one

single solitary soul within miles of this place. (Knock, knock, knock on door R.)

NELL. The "flapjacks will be ready soon I ROGER (worried). Who could that be? WARREN (with a glance toward the stove). I hope itls not Bruno.

(WARREN opens door warily. Wind and snow as FARLEY GOODw BODY takes a step in. The false wig and mustache she sports thinly disguises her true sex. All are fooled.)

FARLEY (huskily). Excuse me ... is this the Dudt house?

WARREN. It is.

FARLEY. Dh , relief~ May we enter this warm and desirable refuge,

kind sir?

NELL (coming from stove). Certainly, and we welcome you with

open arms. There are no strangers here, on Iy friends we

have not met.


Comedy - Dramatic Publishing

Documents

Transcript of Comedy - Dramatic Publishing