Coaching and Mentoring Skills For...

Coaching and Mentoring Skills For Managers

David Lee HumanNature@Work

1 Copyright, 2017. All rights reserved. David Lee · HumanNatureAtWork.com · 207-571-9898

Why Be a Coach and Mentor and Not Just a Boss?

Guiding Principles For Effective Coaching

1. Try to resist the temptation to showcase your brilliance, reveal your amazing

observations, or instantly offer the solution to their problem. Instead try to foster

self-discovery by asking questions. (By the way, this is often really hard for even

professional coaches to do). For instance: “Can you imagine the roles were reversed

and Jeanne said that to you…how do you think you might feel,” “How do you think

you would have responded?”

2. Related to #1, pay attention to how you introduce a new perspective or point out

something that the person is not noticing or aware of. Avoid “Gotcha!” type

remarks that come across as provocative and almost gloating. For instance:

“Interesting that you have been putting all your attention on what he did to you

and I haven’t heard you talk about your part in the conflict.” Instead you might say:


“You’ve been focusing on all the inconsiderate and downright rude things he’s said

to you, which it totally understandable. While it’s natural for us to do that when

we’re angry at someone, if we don’t balance it with looking in the mirror, we will

miss out on some really important information about how to improve our

relationships…do you know what I mean?”

3. In the fascinating book On Being Certain, Robert Burton, MD writes how the feeling

of certainty is not related to whether we are right or not. It is produced in a very

primitive region of the brain, not in the brain regions responsible for analytical

thought and reason. In fact, the felt sense of knowing and truth can be triggered by

seizures.

Burton further notes that feeling certain is also intrinsically rewarding—i.e., it feels

good to feel certain. Knowing this, it’s useful to be judicious with our use of

certainty—“You MUST do X”, “That’s your fear of success kicking in!!!” Instead, ask

questions to explore whether your hypothesis resonates with the other person:

“What do you think about doing X?”, “Here’s something that’s coming up for me…I

don’t know if this will fit or not, but here it is…could your reluctance to do Z have

anything to do with being afraid that if you succeed at it, it will bring about some

unpleasant outcome which will bring you pain or discomfort?”

4. When making recommendations and explaining The Why, experiment with asking

them what they think the rationale for the recommendation is. For example: “I’m

thinking that this might be one of those times when a more direct approach is in

order. Any thoughts about why that might be the case?”

Doing this not only makes coaching more interactive, it also spares the person from

having to listen to an explanation they don’t need. I believe this is especially

important to do with really intelligent, accomplished people, and Type A

personalities, who have little patient for that kind of thing.


5. If you’re explaining something—especially if you tend to be extroverted or verbose-

--stop every now and then and ask “Do you have any comments or questions?” or

your own version of that. Just the pause helps keep the person from becoming

saturated and tuning out.

6. When using—or contemplating using—a teaching story:

Ask yourself “Am I telling this for MY sake or for theirs?”

Try to keep your stories brief, say one to three minutes, unless they’re super

compelling.

If your story is longer, stop at times and ask a question like:

“Can you relate to this at all?”

“Any comments or questions?”

If you share your inner world—your thoughts, feelings, and reactions—as part

of your story, you might want to say something like “I’m sharing this much

detail because I want to get you thinking about your own internal responses.” I

will do this at times if I suspect the person might be puzzled and wonder if I’m

sharing TMI or telling the story because I need to get it off my chest.

Related to this last point, I recommend that you do NOT tell stories about things

that are still unresolved, situations you still have anger or hurt about. Not only is

that an example of telling a story because WE need to tell it rather than because

it’s in the person’s best interest, it also is likely to cause discomfort in the other

person.

7. If someone has a hard time empathizing with someone, especially if it’s someone on the receiving end of their behavior, try to come up with an analogy that they’re more likely to relate to. “I understand why you think your Jack is being rude because he often interrupts when you’re trying to explain something. I know I can’t stand being interrupted either….I wonder if this might be going on…I remember you talking about how much it drove you crazy in the Electronic Records Rollout Meeting when Skyler gave a 10 minute overview of what’s been happening when two minutes would have done the trick, and you and the others were nodding your heads trying to give her the non-verbal signal ‘Yeah…we get it…we know that.’ Could that be happening with you and Jack?”


How to Give Feedback So It’s Useful And Welcomed

Before the Conversation

1. Have you done your due diligence so you are SUPER clear regarding the facts,

context, details, and backstory?

2. If you’re upset, are you doing the work to get into a constructive emotional and

mental state before having the conversation?

3. Are you going into it with a desire for a dialogue, not a monologue, i.e., are you

genuinely curious about their perspective?

4. Are you willing to discover your perception is not totally accurate…or even wrong?

During the Conversation

1. Your word choice and voice tone…do you use the least amount of intensity and

force to get the point across?

2. Are you using descriptive, sensory-based language for both what you’re not OK with

and what you want instead—i.e., your desired outcome?

3. Do you use language and voice tone that communicates “We’re two adults here” vs.

“I’m the teacher scolding the student”?

4. Do you ask questions both to help you understand where they are coming from,

and to help them explore why they did what they did, and their thoughts about


how to do it better?

5. Do you check in to get their thoughts about what you just said vs. going on and on

and on and on and on…?

6. Do you invite them to share their perspective, e.g. “So that’s what I’m seeing…do

you see it differently?”

7. Do you use paraphrasing at times to acknowledge you understand what they’re

saying, especially if they seem to be getting upset or especially intense about trying

to get you to understand their perspective?

What Else Works For YOU?


Why is THE WHY So Critical When Coaching?

1. Cause and Effect

2. The Big Picture: The Future Story

3. The Big Picture: The Importance of the Project or Inititiative


Professionalism Conversations

Source: National Professionalism Survey: Recent College Graduates Report, Center for Professional

Excellence, York College of Pennsylvania


Questions To Facilitate Self-Awareness and Learning In

“Professionalism Conversations”

1. “When you do ______, how do you think it impacts our department/your team

members/our company?”

2. “How do you think it affects your reputation/credibility/chances for promotion,

when you do X?”

3. “You say your goal is to ________. How do you think this habit impacts your ability

to achieve that?”

4. “I’m curious, when you see people doing that, how does that affect your impression

of them?” (If they say “It doesn’t” then you’ve got more work ahead ).

5. “Who in this organization, or other places you’ve worked, do you really respect as a

pro…it’s clear they know their stuff, they act in ways that foster respect and trust,

and it’s clear that people hold them in high regard?”


How to Communicate So Employees Know What High Value-Generating Behaviors, Excellence, and Your Company Values,

Look and Sound Like In Real Life

1. Conceptual terms like “customer-centric”, “initiative”, “good team player” are just

the beginning when communicating “This is what we’re looking for in you and

employees in general.”

Conceptual terms are NOT enough if you want employees to know what actions on

their part provide the greatest value to your employer, what excellence in any

particular task or project looks like, or how to act in ways that embody your cultural

values.

2. Think “concrete, specific, and sensory-based”—i.e. this thing you’re talking about,

what does it look and sound like in real life? If we were there observing someone

being “customer-centric”, what would we be seeing them doing (and NOT doing),

saying and NOT saying? Another way to think of it is create a Virtual Reality Training

Video for them. Be descriptive enough that they can see the behavior played out in

their mind.

3. When you talk about an important behavior or value, try to follow it up with “…so

for instance…” or “so for example…” and then give the example, being concrete,

specific, and sensory-based.

4. If you can use examples where you’ve noticed THEM having demonstrated these,

that’s ideal.

5. If you can’t, use examples from other and ask them for examples they’ve witnessed

or engaged in.


Important Observations, Takeaways, and Next Steps


About David Lee

David Lee, the founder of HumanNature@Work, works with employers who want to improve

employee engagement, productivity, and customer service through his consulting, coaching, and

training. He has worked with organizations and presented at conferences both domestically and

abroad.

An internationally recognized thought leader in the field of employee engagement and performance,

he is the author of over 100 articles and book chapters published in the US, Europe, India, Australia,

and China. He is the author of Managing Employee Stress and Safety, published by MEMIC, and

Powerful Storytelling Techniques, published by ATD Press. The second edition of the business classic,

The Talent Management Handbook, features a chapter of his about the topic of Onboarding.

In addition to his research and work with both struggling and “best in class” organizations, David

Lee’s work draws from a wide range of scientific disciplines that seek to understand human nature.

Taking this research which typically doesn’t find its way into the business world, David translates

these principles of human nature into practical leadership and managerial strategies that optimize

employee performance.

To capture the impact understanding human nature makes, David borrows from the popular TV show

The Dog Whisperer, and explains “Understanding human nature helps you become a People

Whisperer, and by doing so, dramatically improves your ability to get the best results from others

(and yourself).”

Recently, his work on what makes organizations resilient and employees perform at their best has

focused on the central role productive relationships and productive conversations have on these

outcomes, with this being the take away message:

“Every better business result you want requires having a better conversation.”


Comments About David Lee’s Work

“The value David provided our organization went far beyond the actual classroom experience. In

addition to the wealth of information he provided during class, David provided a broad support

system to further the development of our senior management team. Specific elements included

working with the team to articulate a behavioral vision, one-on-one coaching, individualized

professional development plans, and a variety of other support services that enabled us to build a

culture of teamwork, accountability, and excellent customer service. While everyone says they

will help you be more productive and get better results from your people, David is the only one

I’ve worked with who really helps you get there.” - Eric Henry, CEO and Chief Investment Officer,

Hershey Trust Company, PA

“Weeks after David Lee spoke to our college, people are still talking about the message he sent.

One employee thanked our President and said it was a gift to employees to hear David speak .

David took the time to get to know US before he stepped foot on campus. We didn’t expect the

level of service that he provided. He interviewed people, sent out surveys and dug deep to find

out exactly what our college needed to go from good to great. He then customized a program

that fit what we needed and has been great with follow-up and feedback. It’s clear he truly cares.

David does more that give a great speech a leave, he transforms the culture.” - Deb Carlson,

PhD, Director of Institutional Research and Communication, Nebraska Methodist College, NE

“Having seen a lot of speakers, I can’t tell you just how impressed I was by David. I even waited

in line to talk with him... I learned a great deal and laughed my butt off in the process… When we

have someone who is so genuine and so well prepared, we owe it to each other to spread the

word…. I take it very seriously when I recommend someone else’s work and… he’s great! -

Naomi Judd

“I would just like to say what an amazing program Constructive Communications is. David Lee is

both dynamic and informative. This is by far the best course I have taken in my 25+ years in the

private and hospital environment. I have never been so impressed by a speaker, as well as the

content of his program. I would recommend this program to EVERYONE, as we all need to learn

to communicate more effectively with each other. Thank you David for my very useful new

tools!”– Lauri Winter, Exeter Hospital, NH

“David Lee facilitated our senior leadership retreat recently. I was most impressed with how well

and how quickly David engaged with the team, and the members with him. It provided for a very

smooth and effective transition into what was an open, honest and valuable discussion. David’s

facilitation skills put people at ease and at the same time allowed for broad participation. At the

end of the day, there was unanimous agreement to bring him back for our next retreat!” - Jim

Donovan, CEO and President of Lincoln County Healthcare, ME

David Lee’s presentation at the 2016 SHRM Conference “Why Your Employee Engagement Survey Doesn’t Cut It: It’s Time to Customize the Employee Experience”, was one of the best of the conference. I especially liked his “Help me, help you, help us” approach to managers having engagement-building conversations with employees. Also, the fact that it was spiced up with up-to-date research and examples from the field made it both interesting and useful. I would definitely recommend Mr. Lee to any organization who wishes to keep learning HOW TO GROW THEIR PEOPLE. – Naftali Tooly Ungar, founder, ZeOved, Israel


Related Programs By David Lee

Engagement, Motivation, and Leadership

Bring It On!: How to Create a Culture with a Resilient, “Can Do” Spirit

Inspiring U: How to Bring Your A-Game to Work and Help Others Do the

Same

Why Your Employees Are Just Not That Into You…And How to Change

That

Professional Development for All Employees

Hack Your Awesome: Tools, Techniques, and Practices to Perform at Your

Best and BE Your Best

How to Be a VIP at Work—Valuable, Influential, and Promotable

Coaching and Constructive Conversation Skills

Help ME Help YOU Help US: Manager/Employee Conversations That

Customize the Employee Experience and Optimize the Value Each

Employee Provides

How to Give Feedback So They Want to Hear It…and Act On It

FOR INFORMATION ON CONSULTING SERVICES OR LEADERSHIP COACHING, CALL:

207-571-9898

Coaching and Mentoring Skills For...

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