Closer than Ever Facilitating Attachment in

Recovering Couples

Attachment System● Feedback Controlled

– Appraises: Near? Available? Care?

– Regulates: Monitor, Pursue, Protest

● Survival Imperative

– Cognition Narrows

– Behavior Compelled

“Empathy is the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person.”

--Heinz Kohut

Modeling Empathy• Go toward her emotion--“What was/is that

like for you?”• Attune to symbolic language & body response

Empathy Training

• Mostly Nonverbal• Eye Contact• Touch• Heart-Focused

Empathy is “any process where the attended perception of the object's state generates a state in the subject that is more applicable to the object's state or situation than to the subject's own prior state or situation.”

--Martin Hoffman

Common reactions to her trauma…

• Apologize: “So sorry I hurt you”• Promise: “I will never do that again”• Defend: “It’s not a big problem for me”• Explain: “This wasn't personal to you”• Assure: “I’m doing really well now”• Self-Punish: “Maybe you should just leave”• Exasperation: “Will you ever get over it?”

Empathy Homework

• Check in “most days”• “How was today? Want to talk about it?”• She initiates when fear or hurt surges

Discussion Topics• What was it like for you

when_______?• Fear? Specific fears? • Feelings of helplessness?• Feelings about men?• Reminders:

– Media?– People?

• What’s it like when we’re apart?

• Together in public?

• Impact on sexuality?• Spirituality? Feelings about

God?• Our communication?• Feel trapped?• What’s most painful of all?• What need most now?• What do I do that hurts?• What do I do that helps?• What can I do to help?

From Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity

“Mind in the Eyes” Test

• http://glennrowe.net/baroncohen/faces/eyestest.aspx

Client Report

• "I see how much I hurt Her. You can't imagine the destruction. Almost like I killed someone. As much as you can hurt someone without going to jail. I can't go back and do it over, but I can never do those things again. That's easy compared to the alternative.”

Client Report (cont.)• "There's a switch inside of me that has flipped.

I went on trip for work, exactly the situation that would have put our relationship ‘out of sight, out of mind’ before. I found myself responding to women the way I would have if she were with me. I didn't have to try, it’s what’s in me now."

Raising Our Monogamy Quotient

• IF oxytocin fosters monogamy…• AND certain behaviors raise oxytocin…• THEN encourage those behaviors!

“Dosing Up” on Oxytocin

• Hug, Hold• Touch, Caress• Eye Gazing• Encouraging Words• Soothing Vocal Tones

Client Report

• “I feel bonded to her and more of a belonging to her. The idea of getting involved with someone else doesn’t have the same pull. There’s a comfort and inertia to stay where I am. It seems like a lot of unnecessary work to go outside the relationship.”

Empathy References

• Individuals with higher dopamine levels show less empathy. Previc F (2009). The Dopaminergic Mind in Human Evolution and History Cambridge University Press.

• Empathy via eye contact. Harrison NA, Singer T, Rotshtein P, Dolan RJ, Critchley HD. (2006). Pupillary contagion: central mechanisms engaged in sadness processing. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 1(1):5-17. Harrison NA, Wilson CE, Critchley HD. (2007). Processing of observed pupil size modulates perception of sadness and predicts empathy. Emotion. 7(4):724-9.

Pair Bonding References

• Grewen, K. M., Girdler, S. S., Amico, J. & Light, K. C. (2005). Effects of partner support on resting oxytocin, cortisol, norepinephrine, and blood pressure before and after warm partner contact. Psychosomatic Medicine, 67(4), 531-538.

• Light K. C., Grewen, K. M. & Amico, J. A. (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology, 69(1), 5-21. Epub 2004 Dec 29.

• Proc Biol Sci. 2010 Sep 7;277(1694):2661-6. Epub 2010 May 12. Social vocalizations can release oxytocin in humans. Seltzer LJ, Ziegler TE, Pollak SD.