CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION...2 CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION AUTHOR ’S NOTE Chennai...

1

CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION

CONTENTS

1. Author’s note –

2. Introduction – Pages 4–6

3. Developmental Age (0–3 years) – Pages 7–10



6. Developmental Age (13+ years) – Pages 18–20

2


AUTHOR’S NOTE

Chennai Counselors’ Foundation (CCF) is a pioneering group of mental health

professionals who have been proactive in the society at times of crisis. During COVID-19

pandemic, we felt responsible to release an e-book to educate and empower

parents/caregivers to face the challenges in parenting. The need for this book also came

from the fact that parents today have an added pressure of working from home and lack

the resources that they had earlier (like domestic help, cooks, drivers and nannies) and

children are also around all day without a structured program like school and

extracurricular activities.

We hope you find the e-book insightful and useful in this trying time. Our

concepts have been inspired by some of the famous psychologists like Bowlby, Maslow,

Erikson. Bowlby gave importance to the attachment between the parent and the child in

early childhood; a bond that has shown to impact relationships over the child’s lifetime.

Maslow emphasised the merit in understanding hierarchical needs in human beings. At

this crossroads, we find ourselves in the need for safety and security that dominates our

behaviour and that of our Children. Current scenario has brought our love and belonging

needs to the surface and the need to improve intimacy and sense of connection between

parents/caregivers and children. Erikson’s psychosocial developmental changes and

challenges gave us the edge to bring this handbook to tough out the current turbulent

times and emerge as healthy responsible parents. We acknowledge that the framework of

this e-book concept was derived from “Talking to Children about Illness” advice from the

Division of Clinical Psychology, an offshoot of British psychological Society 2020. We

thank the illustrators and individuals who shared pictures and gave their consent to use

them in this handbook.

Anita, Mathangi, Nandini and Saras

3


INTRODUCTION

It is a wonderful bond from the time a child is born, he/she starts teaching

parents/caregivers on how to know what their needs are through their

expressions and crying. The parents, on the other hand, become mindful of

every single cue and sound that the child makes and offer their utmost care.

This journey, of course, doesn't happen overnight and is very essential for the

healthy development of the child.

The attachment that parents/caregivers show towards the child determines

the psychosocial development of our children. Yes, it is as early as infancy that

the child develops a sense of security/insecurity. For example, a

parent/caregiver who is available and responsive to their child’s needs feels a

sense of security. Here, the child begins to comprehend that the

parent/caregiver is dependable, thereby creating a safe base for the child to

explore the surroundings. This supports the child in forming strong, secure and

comfortable relationships even in adulthood.

When a parent/caregiver is uninterested, unavailable and unable to take care

of the child’s physical and emotional needs (like feeding, cleaning, playing,

hugging, petting and responding to cues), they could end up raising a child who

subconsciously believes that their needs will never be met. The child can turn

up as a self-centred adult (for self-care) and exhibit avoidance and emotional

disconnect with parent/caregiver or they can also become clingy and seek

attention in most of the relationships.

4


There is also an extreme case of the child becoming angry or anxious. This

happens when the parent/caregiver is absorbed with their own struggles

(physical/psychological) and hence they neglect the needs of the child. When

such parents/caregivers are unable to teach them to express their needs or

create a routine for them, they end up not providing a natural environment for

bonding thereby influencing negative emotions such as anger and anxiety.

Basic needs for survival are food, clothing and shelter. Only when these needs

are met, one moves into safety and security needs. Providing this safety and

security comes when there is a healthy attachment and nurturing. In this

current COVID-19 situation, we adults play a key role in helping our children

understand what is going on and provide necessary information for their

safety.

The global crisis of COVID-19 is making many children restless and confused. At

this time, much of the information that children hear about COVID-19 is

intended for adults. While one cannot deny the fact that media gives relevant

information, there is also the social media that can distort facts. Not children

of all ages can process the information thereby generating fear and worry

about themselves, their parents, grandparents, pets, friends and academics.

Based on the developmental changes and challenges, we as adults need to

communicate with our children about what is happening at a level that is age-

appropriate. Not all children will need the same content to help them feel safe.

For example, some children have a higher need for consistency and

predictability, while others have health conditions and allergies that can make

them vulnerable to illness and some others would already be experiencing

5


feelings of anxiety or low mood even before COVID-19 came along. With the

firm belief that all children are creative human beings, they can gain their own

understanding of what they see, hear and experience. We must help them

reinterpret when their perceptions are misinterpreted.

Children learn more from what they see you do rather than what they hear to

them.

Here’s your guide to positive parenting.

6


Developmental Age (0–3years)

What children say or do

Baby Advaitha at play

• Children in this age group have an increased need to experience physical

touch in the form of hugs and cuddles to feel reassured by the parents.

• They do not understand why adults are worried, sad or scared and begin

to parrot the parents’ emotions with confusion.

• Sometimes they carry on with playing even when people around them

may be experiencing distress (innocence and not ignorance).

• They do not understand adult talk but are quick to pick up signs,

especially those of distress.

• They can show their distress of any slack or change in their usual routine

by being clingier, changes in toilet routine, eating and sleeping pattern.

7


• At this age, the children cannot understand about things that they

cannot see and touch, so personal hygiene such as covering one’s mouth

when sneezing and washing hands need to be modelled appropriately.

What parents/caregivers can say or do

Amma reading a story book to Baby Advaitha

• Ensure that you have enough me time, support system and help, so that

you will have physical and mental energy to deal with your child’s needs.

• It is important for children to establish trust with their

parents/caregivers.

* When a parent promises 30 minutes of ‘play-time,’ they need to make

efforts to honour it. Considering the current uncertainties, if they are not

able to attend to it immediately, they need to make efforts to do it later.

• Stick to simple words. Use small sentences (maximum of three to four

words).

8


* Let’s wash our hands now.

* Who is going to be first?

* Everytime we sneeze, we use a hankie/tissue (make a game of it at non-

usage times to ensure familiarity)

* Come, let’s put the toys back in the box now?

• Focus on the here and now.

• Focus on routine and discipline – Keeping things as normal as possible.

• Do not argue or fight with other adults in the family either in person or

on the phone. You will be unnecessarily agitating the child.

• Spend a fair amount of time playing with the child.

• Limit your own screen time.

• At this time of work from home option, ensure that you develop a

schedule for sharing childcare with your partner or family members in a

joint family.

• If you have been a working parent and your parents/in-laws have been

caring all along, during this lockdown, arrange your work schedule in

such a way to give them some relief and switch chores when applicable.

* Reading a story, playing with the child, or giving bath and feeding.

• Keep your explanation honest and brief during a routine change.

* Mama must work now; Mia will you colour your book?

* After Appa rests, Ram and Appa will listen to nursery rhymes.

• Apologise and say Sorry when you make a mistake and say Thank you

when they extend help.

• Edutainment via Play-way method.

* Washing the doll’s hands before she pretends play to have a meal.

* Teaching child to sneeze into a hanky or a tissue.

9


* Placing the hand sanitizer on the table and letting the child see the

parent/caregiver use it whenever she does something.

• Use colourful and attractive artwork materials to teach personal safety.

• Do not generate fear by saying, “If you don’t do this, God will punish

you”, or by instilling fear of punishment such as “Appa or grandpa will

scold you”.

• Punitive actions such as calling names and beating will impact their

confidence level.

• Hence assertive yet kind communication without raising the voice and

repeating the same words until they follow instructions will yield better

results.

* Maya cannot play with you today. Can we play with the blocks instead?

• Functional behaviour can be encouraged by small rewards such as pat on

the back, peck on the cheek or an applause.

10


Developmental Age (4–7years)


Mahi Kesari Pai, being happy!☺

• They may ask a lot of questions repeatedly as they are trying to make

sense of the information and their fears.

• As children are exposed to fairy tales, you might witness them playing

out stories with their toys. Sometimes, some of the things they do or say

may be confusing and not accurate.

• They may carry on with their playing or make noises even when people

around them may be experiencing distress.

• They may “fill in the blanks” with their imagination which sometimes

may be illogical, and you may wonder “where did they get that from”?

• Attention seeking behaviours may increase for they seem to conclude

that adults are only talking to each other and not involving them.

11


• This is the age when moral values of right and wrong, cause and

consequences begin to surface. They may comply or exhibit remorse to

avoid punishment.

o Knowing that they have misbehaved, if not caught, they tend to

blame themselves and feel guilty. E.g. If a family member falls sick.

• The child now has the need to and wants to experience purpose and

competency.

What parents/caregivers can say or do

Creative artwork with pencil shavings by Mrs. Priya Mehta

• Help them build their self-esteem and self-confidence.

• Engage with the child and do not hand them gadgets to pass their time.

• Use story-telling to shape a child’s perceptions, where necessary and

appropriate.

12


• Make sure that the child understands cause and effect (e.g. washing

hands will help stop germs from spreading rather than will stop

spreading germs).

• Answers to questions need to be simple, even though you have repeated

the information. If one is not sure or don’t know, say so instead of

making something or shutting the child up.

• Help your child into naming and labelling their feeling by giving simple

examples of naming your own feelings.

* Mama is sad that she has not gone to work for 10 days. But she is very

happy that she has had the time to play with you ☺

* I am afraid when there is no power, but having a candlelight dinner with

the family makes me happy.

* I am disappointed that my friends couldn’t come over for my birthday.

13


Developmental Age (7–13 years)


Mrishal cooking Maggie noodles

Neel mopping while listening to music on headphones!

• At this stage, they can now view themselves as different from others and

comprehend that others have different needs and perspectives.

• Children now are mainly influenced by their own perspective.

14


• They also begin to understand that infection can be present through a

lot of different symptoms.

• They understand that they can be infected by germs and viruses that

cannot be seen by the naked eye.

• They can develop a fear of falling sick and contracting the virus and blow

every symptom out of proportion, almost like a hypochondriac. Some of

these behaviours can also be only to gain attention.

• They understand that medicines and following medical advice can help

them get better but still need a lot of cajoling and prompting to follow it.

• Children are vicarious learners and when they misbehave and are pulled

up, they can quote you as parents when you have faulted thereby

putting you on a tight spot.

• The child is gradually able to understand the concept of time,

impermanence and death and that it is a normal life process.

• They may ask several questions about its impact on other people and its

changes to life.

• They might also be worried for their grandparents’ health and wellness.

• They are likely to experience physical symptoms of stress like headache

and stomachache.

• They might become clingy.

• Difficulty verbalising distress – they may not know why they feel worried

or stressed and may also act out.

• Believe in what they see and hear on TV.

* Fear of basic supplies and necessity items running out, as media reported

a news item on the similar lines.

15


* Repeated exposure to violence and death in news channels can create a

sense of disturbance and sadness and a feeling that it can also happen to

their near and dear ones.

• Tend to believe friends more than families because friends may glorify

their experiences and awe them.

• Either talk back or not wanting to voice concerns for fear of upsetting

parents, friends or others.

• Comparing self with nieces, nephews and friends. This happens more so

when parents themselves do these comparisons either between siblings

or within family or friends.

• Showcase lethargy and upset body clock and food pattern by not

following a routine and a schedule as it is only “holidays”.

• Become really nagging, restless, bored and frustrated as there is no

great meaning to their day being locked down at home.

What you can say or do as parents/caregivers

• Normalize different feelings appropriately through drawing, stories and

questions.

• A “Worry Box” set aside for them to write down their questions with

regards to their thoughts/feelings that is opened later and discussed

gently with parents.

• Ensure that you do not transfer or displace your anger inappropriately.

• Make sure children do not take on adult roles in a desire to help others.

While the thought can be appreciated, extend help to the point where it

is pragmatic and achievable.

• Age-appropriate house hold chores to be allocated to the child.

16


• Make sure your child is active and educate them about the positive

hormones that are released that would help alleviate anxiety and diffuse

the physical symptoms of stress.

• Explanations need to be simple and easy to understand.

* “Cough can be worrying but not every cough is a symptom of COVID-19”.

• Make a “Gratitude Box”, that every family member uses once a day. At

the end of the day, before going to bed, each member of the family

writes down what they are thankful for. Children learn to count their

blessings. At the end of the every week, family members rotate and read

them out loud.

• Encourage the child’s positive behaviour – every time the child does

wash his hands, give him a positive reinforcement.

* “Rahul is a smart boy and knows how to keep the germs away!”

17


Developmental Age (13+ years)


Mrishti washing the lunch dishes!

“Lockdown be like this for us!” –Illustrated by Yuvaananthan Balaji

* I am locked down and you are busy working.

* I am bored and can’t have any fun.

* No school is so boring.

18


* I can’t meet and play with my friends outside.

* I am under house arrest.

* You don't need to tell me what I need to do today.

* I don't want to help you now.

* I will eat when I am hungry.

* I am anxious that my boards haven’t finished as yet.

* No new dates have been announced as yet and I am really disappointed

as I was looking forward to my holidays.

* I know I should be revising but I am unable to focus and concentrate

because the lockdown is extended now.

• At this age, they have a good understanding of time. They can imagine

the future and its possibilities. As a result of their imagination, they may

worry more about things that have not happened or might happen.

• Teenagers can understand the different causes and effects of virus and

the role of stress and worry on the mind and body.

• They are intelligent enough to understand the facts by this age.

• Being heavily influenced by their friends, they tend to behave in

accordance with them.

• They might be more concerned with social and emotional aspects of the

virus and how it impacts everyone.

• This might lead to more distress and sadness than it does in smaller

children.

• They may want to find ways of helping and being there for each other.

• They miss their friend’s face-to-face contact very much and test the

patience of parents/caregivers.

19


What you can say or do as a parents/caregiver

• Offer space for support, affection and discussion.

• Create responsible boundaries and discussion including children’s

opinion.

• It is better to ask open-ended questions such as “What did you think of

the news that . . . .”?

• Provide them with information from reliable sources.

• Offer choices and promote interdependence within the context of what

is possible and appropriate.

* If a teenager can’t go out, ask them on activities that they can enjoy

them at home rather than telling.

• Suggest ways of helping others that are safe and appropriate.

• Help them reframe negative expression of anger or worry by helping

them think differently.

• Giving them options to choose their chores that they would like to

contribute to the home – cooking, chopping, cleaning the dishes,

cleaning the home, washing, drying and folding the clothes – the list is

rather exhaustive and endless and so let them have their pick ☺

• Appreciate them for their contribution in sharing and caring and that

their support means a lot to you currently.

• Be aware of your tone of communication with the child while reminding

them to study for their impending exams.

• Help them follow a mutually agreed timetable that works for them.

• Be encouraging of screen time with regards to e-learning.

20


Hope this concise e-book has given you an insight and some tips to handle

and tide over the current crisis effectively. Stay Safe and Enjoy Responsible

Parenting!

21


CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION...2 CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION AUTHOR ’S NOTE Chennai...

Documents

Transcript of CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION...2 CHENNAI COUNSELORS’ FOUNDATION AUTHOR ’S NOTE Chennai...