1 TheCheeseGrater Freshers October 2010TheCheeseGraterThe Other Student Magazine of University College London Union

Freshers’ Fayre Issue October 2010

THIS ISSUETory StoryConservative Socin chaos p.2

Student CookingW.R. Glenfiddich in culinary heaven p.3

Undeniable TwatDavid Irvinginterviewed p.3

Dirty ScrubbersUCL cleaners scour for more dosh p.4

FAQ offWe answer your union queries p.3

UCL WELCOMES FAMOUS ALUMNI

Stars shine brightly at benefit event. res-

sure, Glaxo puts UCL under the knifeWednesday saw the return

of a few famous faces to UCL for a Wine and Cheese evening in the North Cloister. The event, hosted by Provost Malcolm Grant, was put on to raise funds for victims of the recent Colchester mudslide.

Notable names on show included pen pusher AA Gill, 400m diva Christine Ohuruogu and failed underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (above, left).

Abdulmutallab was a shock attendee due to his reputation for being a shy man and also an international terrorist. However, on the night he was seen liberally quaffing champagne with Justine Frischmann and even engaging in a sing-along with two members of Keane.

When asked about the surprise guest, drummer Richard Hughes seemed to be quite taken aback.

‘He’s had a tough time over the past year,’ he said, ‘but

really he’s just like any other UCL student. I’m convinced we would have been friends had we moved in the same circles.’

The fiery fundamentalist, who was allowed twenty-four hours special leave from Michigan Prison to attend the event, was said to be ‘truly humbled’ by the level of canapé on offer.

Ricky Gervais was also present. For more on the party see page 5.

FREE BALLOON!!!

Peter F. Gesbian

plus staple (also free)

2 TheCheeseGrater Freshers October 2010

Join the team......live the dream

The Cheese Grater is looking for writers and cartoonists! We are the only editorially independent publication at UCL and we love what we do. Please come along to our Freshers’ Welcome Meeting, and get to know our team of committed graters.

Tuesday 5th Oct, 5:45pmOutside UCL Union25 Gordon Street

In March 2010 UCL Con-servatives (ConSoc) were hand-ed the Society of the Year Award by UCL Union. Several months later the society appears to be in chaos, beset by infighting and briefly disaffiliated from the Un-ion over the summer.

James Hodgson - last year’s Clubs and Societies Sabbatical Officer - suspended the society’s affiliation to UCLU, banned ac-cess to Union facilities and froze the society’s bank accounts at the end of July.

This followed the resigna-tion of four committee members after their failure to oust society president William Hall with a motion of no confidence at an Extraordinary General Meeting (EGM) in the same month.

Hall has stated that he will not resign as president, despite the quarrels that have dogged the society since his election.

UCLU Democracy and En-gagement Officer, Mandy Smith, recently contacted various Con-Soc members to inform them that ‘the society is going down the toilet. [Hall] survived the

no confidence, it doesn’t matter how dodgy it was. He is not go-ing to give up the power no mat-ter how much he is threatened because he loves it and thinks he deserves it.’

The Union-funded society achieved notoriety following a trip to an Oxford Union Con-servative Association (OUCA) Port and Policy event, which was covered in the national press for expressions of sexist viewpoints.

It was reported that a KCL student Vitus van Rij had visited the now infamous function with UCL Conservatives. Van Rij al-legedly told Isabella Burton, a second year Oxford theology student who was giving a speech, to ‘shush’, adding ‘you’re a woman’. He is said to have then started chanting ‘kitchen, kitchen, kitchen, get back to the kitchen’.

Van Rij’s remarks were picked up by various publica-tions - including The Daily Tel-egraph, London Student and Oxford Student - in which it was denied that ConSoc had invited him to the OUCA event. ‘We didn’t invite [van Rij] or anyone else from King’s College, but

he may have found out about it from our Facebook group,’ com-mented president Hall.

These assertions were somewhat undermined when it emerged that van Rij had attend-ed several UCL Conservatives events prior to this, including their alumni dinner in March, and was good friends with soci-ety members.

Despite his lifetime ban from the society, van Rij would again appear with ConSoc on a group trip to Brussels later that month.

The trip resulted in a for-mal disciplinary after members of the public complained about behaviour on the trip. Former so-ciety president Kieran Weisberg wrote in an internal email that ‘[Hall’s] behaviour in-particular stood out.’ This included punch-ing Matthew Gibbard, General Secretary-elect, in the genitals and heckling him to expose him-self. Gibbard duly obliged to the horror of the public.

Gibbard’s finest hour on the trip was also summed up by Weisberg. He apparently ‘complained that he would not be able to make racist jokes for

three days as he would be stay-ing with a foreign ambassador’. Perhaps this despair explains his erratic behaviour at other times during the excursion.

These events, as well as the mass resignation of committee members following July’s EGM, led to the society being disaffili-ated this summer. Alex Karski, Student Activities Officer, lifted the society’s suspension in Au-gust.

However, ConSoc’s prob-lems remain manifest; Karski de-scribed the society’s budget as in ‘urgent need of a review’. Their Freshers’ Fayre stall has been downgraded due to ‘in-society bickering and division’ and an-other EGM is scheduled for later this term, as important commit-tee positions remain unfilled.

In just six months UCLU Conservative Society has turned from an award-winning organi-sation into an unworkable, cha-otic mess. What comes now is a rebuilding project to restore one of the university’s oldest and most prestigious societies to its former glory. Where will ConSoc go from here? The Tory continues...

The Never Ending ToryUCL Conservatives plagued by internal division and scandalous accusationsSociety budget ‘in urgent need of review’

Simon Balcairn

Contributors: George Potts, Ka Bradley, Thom Rhoades, Hugh Foley, Clio Cornish, Max Titmuss, John Bell, Olivia Pyper, Tim Smith, Paul McKenna, Richard Davis, Simon Balcairn. This issue is dedicated to Frank Kermode.

Investigation

Freshers October 2010 TheCheeseGrater

UCL’s Kitchen First year Ancient History student, W.R. Glenfiddich, cooks on a budget

The baffling array of student cookbooks can lead to confusion. Can you be sure that mummy’s tuck hamper will ingratiate you into your new social circle, or might you sink like the proverbial sixpence in the pudding? This simple three course meal is a recipe for companionship!

Starter: Pheasant surprise1. Pluck the pheasant. This

is done by roughly hacking at the bird in a downwards direction with a large cleaver. Don’t worry if the old girl loses a bit of shape, it’s only natural for a bird to go to pieces over a bit of blood!

2. Force the unwilling pieces of meat into your communal toaster and cook for a strong minute.

3. Turn the toaster on its head and give it a good whack over the Dolmio garlic and onion sauce that you’ve spread on the work surface. This helps to disguise any problems you may have had with the recipe so far.

4. Plate up, and leave resting on a piping hot radiator while you prepare the rest of the meal. Save any charred bits of pheasant for later.

Small touches can add a lot to a meal. Tired of the same old caviar? Why not try thrusting it into a tin of

baked beans! Cheese on toast getting you down? Why not serve it in a champagne flute! There are a million ways to make your meal spectacular.

Main: Fish surprise1. Take the finest swordfish

steaks your local Waitrose has to offer. Mash into the bottom of your kettle and season generously with salt and garlic.

2. Add 500g of fresh Bucatini pasta while conjugating the Latin verb ‘genero’ – to create.

3. Splash in water to the brim, and bash down the switch. When boiling serve in a wine glass

with a pheasant crouton. Pudding: Surprise surprise

1. Take everything in the communal fridge and empty into a large pan.

2. Cook at 220 degrees (gas mark seven) for three and a half hours.

Old favourites such as hog roast can be a fine way to remind your new co-inhabitants of their home cuisine. If unsure what to cook for people you don’t know, it’s always a good idea to cook their own food for them. What can one possibly want more than food that one bought oneself?

FAQ: What is a Sabbatical Officer?We sent our rampant reporter, Richard Davis, to the street to find out

Innocently enough, I updated my Twitter with the above question, hoping to unearth some answers. But what occurred was so frightful that one might think it fictional, made up for your amusement. Milling around UCL Union, I received the following text message from an unknown number:

‘I have the answer to your question. Listen carefully, there isn’t much time. From your current position west of the Gideon Schreier building, walk west down Endsleigh Gardens until you hit Wates House.

Outside is a man in a hat. His name is Stanley Roscoe. Make a noise like a dying koala. He will give you a brown paper bag. Take it and walk south

down Taviton Street to Campbell House West. Say nothing to Roscoe. He knows nothing. He merely owes me a favour.

Open the bag. Inside you will find a balaclava, an energy bar and a lighter. Put on the balaclava immediately. You will need to conceal your identity. Written in permanent marker on the inside of the bag is a 27-digit code. Memorise it. Burn the bag. The energy bar is for you. It will be a long time until you eat again.

Head further south down towards Campbell House East. Throw a stone from the plentiful supply at your feet at the window fourth from the top, eight in from the left. You must break the window. After the window is broken walk south

quickly. Walk. Don’t run. They’re watching.Work your way through Gordon Square

until you reach the west side of the Slade Research Centre. Wait in the foliage outside. When a man with a matching balaclava appears walking from North-East to South-West, apprehend him whilst shouting the code you have memorised backwards. Don’t get it wrong. Your life and more importantly your chances of finding out what a sabbatical officer is depend on it.

You can trust this man. Trust nobody else. He will instruct you further. Good luck and Gods speed.’

Turns out that a sabbatical officer is a type of cake.

David Irving: Not getting any fresher

My Freshers’ WeekEvery year we ask a notable University

College London alumnus to regale us with their memories of past Freshers’ Weeks. Debby Lipstadt spoke to David Irving (UCL 1961-1963), a renowned World War Two historian, whose last book Hitler’s War sold over six million copies- a figure he repudiates.

Debby Lipstadt: What was Freshers’ Week like back in 1961?David Irving: I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about, Freshers’ Week never happened. It’s a mathematical impossibility.DL: But surely you cannot contest the evi-dence contained in photographs and news-reels from the time?DI: Such sources are historiographically du-bious. In fact I tend to agree with the theory that Freshers’ Week was merely an invention of the Soviets, a ploy to cover up their own heinous acts in Eastern Europe, such as the

Katyn Massacre. DL: The Soviets? Why?DI: Why not? DL: How do you explain this photo of stu-dents filing into a building with ‘UCL Fresh-ers’ Fayre’ written over the door?DI: Yes, I admit that does look very much like a freshers’ fayre, but my own private research has in fact proven that it was merely a harm-les shower room. This is a fake. DL: Mr Irving, you are in this photo, that’s you in the corduroy jacket.DI: I never owned such a jacketDL: What about this document signed by the Provost authorising Freshers’ Week for 1961?DI: Oh, well, I suppose it might have hap-pened, but the idea that many people attend-ed the fayre is absurd. DL: We also found your name on several groups’ mailing lists, including Dance Society and Lacrosse.

DI: I guess you win this round, Stalin.

Investigation

4 TheCheeseGrater Freshers October 2010

Cleaners at University College London will continue to be paid the minimum wage of £5.80 per hour despite the increasing shrillness of a fringe campaign demanding a so-called ‘London Living Wage’ of £7.85 per hour.

While other London universities bow down to liberal pressure from the proletar-ian workforce, our great institution refuses to cave in to the outrageous demands of its greedy contract cleaners.

Alone in Bloomsbury, UCL remains an island of sensible business practice in a sea of craven profligacy and just-plain-loony left-ism. The supporters of this campaign- the usual suspects from HSBC to Boris Johnson- say that to live in London is more expen-sive and so requires extra remuneration. But hunky UCL Provost, Prof Malcolm Grant, believes this is bunkum.

His display of contempt for anti-busi-ness political correctness once again justifies his hero’s salary- £160, 000 more per year than his counterpart at Cambridge Univer-

sity. Put simply, he has the equivalent value of approximately nineteen cleaners- and it shows.

Cheese Grater investigated this issue and found nothing but overpaid scrubbers living high on the hog at the expense of hon-est tuition-fee-payers. In fact, most of the cleaners have a ludicrously generous break midway through their six-hour shifts.

‘I am working from 5:30am till 8:30, and then also 1:30pm till 4:30’ claimed one UCL Cleaner, Juan Carlos Luis de la Man-cha Rafael Sancho Panza Benitez, a swarthy

Colombian layabout who didn’t seem to re-alise how lucky he sounded.

‘I don’t see why they don’t make me work all my hours in one go,’ he grunted, ‘so that I could go home to my family with-out having to leave again or wait around for hours’. Perhaps he should be grateful for the siesta.

Someone who’s certainly not nap-ping is Malcolm Grant, who managed to have UCL running a £12 million surplus for its last budget. Despite accusations of ‘Scrooge-like’ practise from The Evening Standard (24/09/2010), our premier has re-mained true to his principles.

Smarmy Standard hack David Cohen was handed a swift rebuttal when he infil-trated a community outreach event on UCL property to pester Prof Grant with ques-tions about cleaners’ pay.

‘Paying contract cleaners the living wage would cost UCL £500,000 to £1 mil-lion a year. That’s a big slug. And what I haven’t got is a spare million pounds, okay?’ quipped the Provost, before adding, ‘Oh, wait. Here it is.’

Malcolm Grant Cleans Up!One man’s brave struggle against the mopping masses

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Societywww.cheesegratermagazine.org

Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009President and Editor: Thom Rhoades Treasurer: Max TitmussE-mail : cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Humour Desk: ascheesegrater@gmail.com

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

Holland Park Dreams: UCL cleaner living it large

Greetings soft-fleshed fresher, and welcome to your birthright. As you enter the pigeon-speckled steps and hallowed dome of University College London, you may feel as if you are embarking upon an adventure truly new and wondrous. We wanted to tell you that you are exactly right, no one has ever done this before.

We have matured the certificate of your final result (2:1 Hons) in a jar of quince jam for 186 years, in anticipation of your arrival. Have you settled into your halls? That building didn’t exist until we heard you were coming. We hope it meets your expectations, we pulled out all the stops for you. Smells! Rodents! Damp rot!

What’s more, eighteen years ago, in a middle-England suburb, we raised a frivolous

wench of extraordinarily cleaving pelvic muscles and a nasty love of doing things orally. Your vows to your childhood sweetheart will be obliterated in one WKD-flavoured tongue Blitzkrieg. Be sure to regale your night of passion and premature ejaculation to the guy in your kitchen who likes ‘XKCD’. (No one but the two of you like this blackly hilarious and yet strangely touching work of minimalist internet art.)

Here is the new best friend we sorted out for you! He’ll tell everyone that she gave you AIDS. Forget school, there’s a reason why your old friends aren’t at UCL. Blog about it on the new laptop you bought with that convenient student discount. We arranged that discount especially for you.

You’re special and unique

and we want you to know it! We arranged an entire Fresher’s Week to celebrate your arrival! And Fresher’s Flu is a term we invented for you, and that you have to use as an excuse every day for the next month! Especially for the classes you skip – ha, the classes! They are

SAL-YOU!-TATIONScalled seminars now.

Of course you don’t need to worry about those, it’s not like you have any competition. Of the 11,970 undergraduates and the 9,650 post-graduates, you are the only true student at UCL. We love you!

Perry Pistons