Cheese Grater Magazine - Freshers' Fayre 2005

Cheese Grater Magazine - Freshers' Fayre 2005
Cheese Grater Magazine - Freshers' Fayre 2005
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Transcript of Cheese Grater Magazine - Freshers' Fayre 2005

  • an unofficial guide from U

    CL U

    nionC

    heese Grater M

    agazine Society

    Music S

    ocs(R

    ock andM

    etal/Live M

    usic)

    Debating S

    ocietyWhether

    you th

    ink you

    may

    have a

    future

    career in

    Law or

    you just love the sound of your

    own voice, th

    is society is for you.Diverse topics of discussion range all the wayfrom Th

    is House believes Bush is Hitler to This

    House believes A

    riel Sharon is Hitler. Week

    lyworkshops will teach you how to attack an oppo-nent

    personally, argue

    the sam

    e point

    threetim

    es over

    while

    appearing to

    make

    new ones;

    indeed anyth

    ing to

    ensure

    the argum

    ent goes

    round in circles and never gets anywhere. This is

    an exact im

    itation of the British Parliamentary

    system and so is a m

    ust for all those interestedin U

    K politics.

    LIVE M

    USIC SOCIE

    TY is the place to be for

    shaggy-haired effete boys wearing faded T-

    shirts

    for bands they are too young to see, and girlsdressed in cloth

    ing that requires a manual and

    sporting asymmetric haircuts. We enjoy playing

    melodic vacuous indie, melodic content-free indie,

    melodic tune-

    based indie and indie with clowns.And as for R

    OCKSOC, weare the society for

    those who like everything from

    obscure-

    even-to-

    fans heavy-doom

    -power-

    rock-metal to m

    iddle-

    of-th

    e-roa

    d dea

    th-bla

    ck-scr

    eamin

    ggrindcore. Get out you

    r Metallica T-

    shirt and

    that rare issue vinyl you saved from a house

    clearance, and demand the right to play it againin a room

    with different acoustics. And again.

    LGB

    Society

    Like Britney? No? Piss off.

    Getting A

    round:An update

    Transport for London, the integrated body

    responsible for

    processing thousands

    of com

    -plaints

    every year,

    would like

    to inform

    new

    visitors to

    London of

    its updated

    advice on

    using public transport:

    -DON

    T wear denim-DON

    T run-DO jum

    p the ticket gates-DON

    T pick up a free paper-DON

    T look distracted (but not tooundistracted either)-DO have wh

    ite skin whenever possible

    If you

    see anyone

    acting in

    a suspicious

    manner, or just anyone who sticks out a bit and

    who isnt a friend of yours, please inform

    one ofou

    r friendly assistants (pictured below), who willbe able to resolve the m

    atter.

    Oh yeah, and always touch in and touchout. H

    appy travelling!Kind regards

    Metropolitan Police Firearm

    s Division

  • Foreig

    n Societies (A

    BA

    CU

    S,

    Indian, Jewish etc. etc.)

    Welcome, student, to U

    CL! You m

    ust sign upto a society that consists entirely of people thesam

    e skin colour as you! From

    the same back-

    ground and

    that spout

    the sam

    e values

    thatyou

    r parents taught you! That way you will notput you

    rself in any danger of losing your reli-

    gion, you

    r wond

    erful hairstyle

    or you

    r dads

    allowance. We will help you to resist the dan-gerous London cultu

    re (it has many evil th

    ingssuch

    as R

    ed Stripe

    and Spearm

    int Rhin

    o)particularly if you are a foreign student witha far superior work eth

    ic. Only we, your society

    friends, are fit to talk to you in the diningroom

    , th

    e com

    mon

    room or

    (if unav

    oidable) a

    Union bar.

    Econom

    ics/Investment S

    ocietyUCL U

    nions Econom

    ics and Investment Soci

    eties are not just for E

    conomists. Ou

    r mem

    berscom

    e from

    diverse

    backgrounds and

    our

    ambi-

    tions are

    very diverse:

    Do you

    want to

    be an

    accountant at KPMG or a consultant at Accenture?

    Or maybe an accountant at Accenture or a consult-ant at K

    PMG! (Just kidding!!!) Wh

    ichever of thesetwo

    many

    things

    you want

    to be,

    youre not

    alone: in fact, 99.87% of U

    CL students (allowingfor statistical error) want only the sam

    e thing

    in life. What else would you come here for?!? Join

    us, and look forward to a bright future wearing

    suits, being

    a highflyer,

    drinking wine

    andhaving som

    e friends. We publish a magazine too,

    and each issue has a picture of E

    ITHER A

    damSm

    ith OR John M

    aynard Keynes on page 3!

    )For m

    ore information, tu

    rn over the leafletuntil you are looking at the other sid

    e.

    Oh its you. W

    hat do you want?

    HI TH

    ERE! Y

    es, and welcome to the U

    CL Un-

    ion FreshersFayre, the most happenin, largin-

    it, ave-it freshers fayre in all of TU

    BE ZON

    E 1

    and possibly 2 as well.. Just joshing! Okay, lads

    and ladettes, before you get on the booze cruis-ing and indecent ex

    posure on Gordon St, com

    e tothe FR

    ESH

    ERS FA

    YRE and take a look at the

    great CLU

    BS and

    SOCI-ET-

    IES

    on offer.

    Justfollow the arrows (and dont you fucking daretrying to go backwards or another way, because Iprom

    ised the

    second deputy

    assistant head

    ofEstates &

    Facilities nobody would) and look atall those weird, wonderful stalls. Whether itsplaying with Balls youre into (ooer!) or becominga M

    ember of the Conservative Party, this is the

    place! Were

    diverse! Cause

    thats, like,

    reallypositive!

    Take it easy cats,

    Wayne Roll-

    PickfordsEntertainm

    ents & Photocopying Officer

    UCL U

    nion

    And finally...

    If, like us, you cant take Freshers Fayreor indeed life too seriously, and youd like totry you

    r hand at writing or cartoons, The

    The

    The

    The

    The

    Cheese Grater

    Cheese Grater

    Cheese Grater

    Cheese Grater

    Cheese Grater m

    ay be for you. We were set upin 2004 and are U

    CLs only unofficial andeditorially independent m

    agazine. We do theth

    ings Pi (the official mag) doesnt: h

    uhu hu

    huhum

    oumou

    mou

    mou

    mou

    r,r, r,r,r,satiresatiresatiresatiresatire

    and inv

    esinv

    esinv

    esinv

    esinv

    estigative

    stigativ

    e s

    tigative

    stigativ

    e s

    tigative

    storiestoriestoriestoriestories

    that

    dontget covered elsewhere. A

    nd some of the fines

    finesfinesfinesfinestt ttt

    cartoocartoocartoocartoocartoonn nnn

    s in

    Los

    in Lo

    s in

    Los

    in Lo

    s in

    Londondondondondonn nnn.

    Oh yes,

    and we

    got the

    Provost to shave h

    is mous

    mous

    mous

    mous

    moustach

    etach

    etach

    etach

    etach

    e off for Comic

    Relief earlier th

    is year. (It grew back.)

    Whether were complaining about m

    usic inthe U

    nion or digesting the literary output ofAnn Widdecom

    be, we try to raise a laugh (usu-ally at som

    eones expense) and project the

    views of a disaffected minority, i.e. those with

    nothing better to do than write for us. Were a

    small society and the m

    agazine in question isphotocopied (som

    etimes appallingly) but were

    serious about what we do. If you are too, getin touch....

    Our nex

    t issue comes out in October.

    YOU

    can contribute!

    Interested? Com

    e to ourW

    elcome G

    eneral Meeting:

    Wednesday 5 O

    ctober, 5-6pm,

    Rehearsal Room

    (2nd floor, Bloom

    sburyB

    uilding, 15 Gordon S

    t)

    Any question

    s? Got a story?cheese_grater_m

    agazine_society@ucl.ac.uk

    Read every issue online at:

    ww

    w.cheesegraterm

    agazine.uclu.orgPublished by R

    ene Lavanchy on behalf of UCL U

    nion Cheese Grater Magazine Society