Fascinating Aïda

Director Pip BroughtonChoreographerAlan Burkitt

John Mackay and David Johnson present

Charm Offensive Tour 2013/14

Edinburgh Programme 2014

Following a sold-out 2012 tour, three Olivier Award nominations and over 10 million YouTube hits for Cheap Flights (their infamous anthem to budget air travel), Dillie Keane, Adèle Anderson and Liza Pulman celebrate 30 years of Fascinating Aïda with a brand new show. Expect topical new songs hot off the press, plus some outrageous old favourites, as Fascinating Aïda continue to grow old disgracefully!

Fascinating AïdaCharm Offensive Tour

What the papers say...

‘Cabaret Heaven.’

METRO

‘See them before you die otherwise

your life will have been meaningless’

MAIL ON SUNDAY

‘They can rarely have been funnier than this’ TELEGRAPH

'The Glamour is magnetic, the satire razor-sharp, the lyrics brilliant'GUARDIAN

'Engages the brain as well as the funny bone.'THE TIMES

Dear Friends of Fascinating Aïda,

I always say a new show is like a very very expensive designer dress. It took ages to make, we

ruined our eyesight and our health putting it all together. and yes we might have re-used some old

material in parts, but the whole thing is very very precious and it's got to last as long as possible!

That means we are half-way through the life of Charm Offensive, our current show. Obviously, it's

a much shorter show for Edinburgh. (I'd say it was a sleeveless mini-dress but that might be taking

the couture image a little too far.)

But we'll be back on the road in the Autumn, finishing with a short run over the New Year at our be-

loved Queen Elizabeth Hall on the South Bank. And it looks highly likely that we'll do a short tour in

the Spring too. So keep a look out for us as we trundle up and down the country because the longer

show really is worth catching.

And to our great relief, the DVD is finally coming out on August 14th or thereabouts. It has been

agony getting it to completion for various reasons, too numerous and tedious to recount. But we're

proud of the end product and it has been worth taking the trouble to get it right. You can order it

from BAFFA :

3 Catherine Road

Newbury

Berkshire

RG14 7NA

Email: baffa@fascinatingaida.co.uk

Meanwhile, all the best for the rest of the year!

Dillie

Dillie was destined for higher things. A doctor's daughter, she was nicely brought up in a well-ordered household where the 'f' word was flip, and even that was barely tolerated. Her future was mapped out for her - she would marry a nice stockbroker and have four jolly children called Tarquin, Parquin, Marquin and Cassandra. She'd chair a few local committees, excel at golf and bridge, and die 85 years later wondering what it was all about.

However, that well-ordered household was in Portsmouth and Dillie found herself inexorably drifting down to the funfair whenever she could, walking round the docks and hanging round the circus on the Common in summer. She revelled in the earthy poetry of the sailors' language and lurked outside the stage door of the Kings Theatre. As soon as she was old enough, she learned to play bar billiards and darts, and drink like an able seaman. She was thoroughly scolded for all these activities, but she couldn't help herself, and as soon as she was able, she threw off the shackles of the haut bourgeoisie and headed for the tatty, gimcrack, uncertain world of the theatre, and you can still hear the funfair in some of the tunes she writes. She considers the smell of the sea and the sound of the fairground organ two of the best things in the world.

So she never married, nor did Tarquin and his siblings ever pop out of her. Nor did she ever inhabit the large, detached house in Godalming, or raise money for the new church roof. She did eventually find an Irish farmer in Oxfordshire who puts up with her eccentricities in exchange for her cooking and gardening skills.

Her passions in life are her man, family and friends, her dogs, and her gardening, and in particular, her fruit-growing. Oh, and Fascinating Aïda, and going to the theatre. And bottling fruit, and making pickled eggs when the chickens give her a glut. Occasionally, she looks at a large country mansion and thinks, "I was supposed to live there!" But she wouldn't exchange her life for anyone or anything.

Above all, she won't die wondering.

Dillie Keane

Adèle's childhood was spent in Hampshire and Somerset, living in quaintly-named villages such as Sway, West Chinnock, Babcary and Haselbury Plucknett. The nearest bus stop was usually three miles away, with two buses a day, so life was very quiet. When she went to university in Birmingham, she discovered the joys of urban living and regular public transport; she's never looked back.

Joining Fascinating Aïda rescued her from a life of drudgery, working as a secretary (and, before that, as a civil servant). She is scared of heights, which explains her penchant for hot air ballooning, paragliding, bungee jumping, zip wiring and skydiving. Scuba diving and freezing (nearly to death) in a shark cage are enjoyable adjuncts. Alas, her poor sense of balance has ruled out water skiing or gymnastic beam work. White water rafting still awaits, however.

Her father's love of The Goons and Flanders and Swann introduced her to the comic song; his love of opera to fine singing. Alas, her failure to grasp even the rudiments of Italian precluded a career in this field. Similarly, her dalliances with the cello and piano came to naught, although she can still play "A Pavane To The Earl Of Salisbury" by William Byrd, rather badly on the piano..

Her early culinary exploits were deemed a danger to society, so she wisely abandoned her kitchen stove years ago. Luckily, Dillie has cooked her hundreds of meals over the past thirty years, for which she is extremely grateful. She is currently working her way through Dillie's chutneys, jams and medlar jelly.

An early visit to Romania, when the Ceausescus were still in power, instilled a desire to visit more Eastern Bloc countries, which she continues to do in her spare time. Soviet brutalist architecture tugs at her heartstrings. She lives in East London and is delighted with the changes wrought by the 2012 Olympics, not least the Westfield Shopping Centre's extensive food court.

Adèle Anderson

Liza was born, at an early age into a trunk and bearing an uncanny resemblance to Tommy Steele, it was inevitable that Liza would forge a career upon the stage. She began at the age of five by appearing as a supporting role, in an advert for ‘Happy Face’ biscuits; an experience which would shape not only her future performing aspirations, but also her life long love of jam-based, personality-led cookies.

After a brief, if uneventful period at boarding school, Liza returned home to north London to study on Saturdays as a junior at the Royal College of Music, before going on to train for a further six years at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama. After graduating, she joined The Glyndebourne opera where she performed as a member of the company, and in small principal roles in numerous operas for three years. After leaving Glyndebourne she was invited to join the D’oyly Carte and Carl Rosa companies with whom she went on to perform leading roles in various Gilbert and Sullivan and Offenbach operettas.

Despite what seemed to be a perfectly sensible and elegant career, it was at this point that Liza realised that the call to cabaret was proving louder to her ears than Siegfried’s Horn in the second act of Wagner’s opera, Gotterdammerung. Like a creature from the Hobbit, she rose to the challenge and eschewed the world of classical music, heading instead, for the bright lights of the West End. On arrival however, she discovered that a few of the bulbs were missing. Undeterred, she pressed on, adding all manner of roles and skills to her CV, before a conflation of events brought her to the attention of one Dillie Keane who was, once again, on the never-ending search for a soprano. After an evening spent in Ms Keane’s front room, auditioning in front of her and a very poker-faced Dame Adèle Anderson, she was invited to join the fold and the rest, as they say, is history.

In March, Liza will have been with the group for ten years, and is hoping for a small party, a large bonus and a carriage clock. Failing any of these things she will be happy enough going with her two colleagues and great friends Dillie and Adèle to see yet another final tour of some ageing songwriter or a contemporary German dance orchestra playing Prussian songs from the 1920’s and 30’s, and finishing the evening in a small restaurant with a beautiful bottle of wine, probably white for her and Dillie, and most definitely a Shiraz for the Dame.

Liza Pulman

••••The TeamCREATIVEPIP BROUGHTONDirectorBetween 1980 and 1995 Pip worked as a theatre director. Posts held include Artistic Directorships of Croydon Warehouse, Paines Plough and Nottingham Playhouse. Over this period she directed over 50 plays, many of them new plays, but also music theatre, national tours, West End and productions in Europe.

Since 1995 she has been working in film and television. Directing work has included several single films for Channel 4, a feature film, several primetime drama series and recently a documentary series.

Over the last three years Pip has been working as a TV Creative Producer, having produced 17 dramas in the series Playhouse Presents for Sky Arts.

ALAN BURKITTChoreographyAlan was born in Canterbury and started his dance training at the Deborah Capon School where he won All England Tap Dancer of the Year. He went on to graduate from Performers College.

Theatre Credits

Original West End Cast of ‘Top Hat’ (Understudy Jerry Travers), ‘Singing in The Rain’ (Chichester

Festival Theatre), Featured Artist in ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ (Alhambra Theatre, Dunfermline), Andy Lee in ‘42nd Street’ (Chichester Festival

Theatre/Curve Theatre Leicester), The Prince in Adam Coopers’ ‘Shall We Dance’ (Sadlers Wells Theatre), ‘CATS’ (Understudy Rum Tum Tugger and Munkqstrap - German Tour), Featured Artist in ‘Viva La Diva’ ( UK Arena Tour and DVD Release), ‘We Will Rock You’ (Dominion Theatre, London),

‘Movin’ Out’ (Understudy Tony - The Apollo Victoria Theatre , London), ‘Crazy For You’ (Understudy Bobby Child - UK Tour), ‘One Touch Of Venus’ (Opera North - UK tour and Sadlers Wells),‘The Ha’penny Bridge’ (The Point, Dublin),‘Santa Claus The Musical’ (The Mayflower Theatre, Southampton), ‘Children Will Listen’ (Theatre Royal, Drury Lane), and Tap Soloist in’Sondheims 75th Birthday Celebrations’ (Hackney Empire / BBC Radio).

Television and Commercial Credits

‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?’, ‘Dancing In The Streets’, ‘Children In Need’, and ‘Blue Peter’ (BBC), ‘An Audience With Kylie Minogue’ ITV) and Assistant Choreographer for ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ 2011. (BBC)

MIKE ROBERTSON

Lighting DesignerIn 2010 he was nominated for a What’s On Stage Design award for

his design for On The Waterfront (Theatre Royal Haymarket). Recent credits include 1001 Nights (Saudi Arabia), The Dead Wait (Park Theatre), Keeler (Charing Cross Theatre), Piano Piano (Cottiers), Hairspray (Kuala Lumpur/Singapore), Volcano (Vaudeville Theatre and UK Tour), Funny Peculiar (UK Tour), Dry Rot (UK Tour), The Billie Holiday Story (Charing Cross Theatre), Parade (Old Vic Tunnels), Gibraltar (Arcola Theatre), Fragile (Belgrade Theatre, Coventry), Dear World (Charing Cross Theatre), The Father (Belgrade Theatre, Coventry), Murder on the Nile (UK Tour), Verdict (UK Tour) and Larkrise to Candleford (UK Tour).Riccardo Primo (Royal College of Music), The Producers (Arts Ed), Six Actors in Search of a Director (Charing Cross Theatre, Directed by

Steven Berkoff), Death & Gardening (UK Tour, Edinburgh Festival), Oedipus (Nottingham Playhouse and Edinburgh Festival), Third Floor (Trafalgar Studios), Company (Southwark Playhouse), Billy Liar (West Yorkshire Playhouse), Cabaret (Wilton’s Music Hall), Guys & Dolls (Cambridge Arts Theatre), Educating Rita (Watermill Theatre, Newbury), Wolfboy (George Square Theatre, Edinburgh), New Boy (Trafalgar Studios), Hair (English Theatre, Frankfurt), Too Close to the Sun (Comedy Theatre), My Fair Lady (Cambridge Arts Theatre), Anything Goes (Cambridge Arts Theatre), Five Guys Named Moe (English Theatre, Frankfurt), Sunday in the Park With George (Menier Chocolate Factory and Wyndhams Theatre), Othello (Birmingham Stage Company), Sit and Shiver directed by Steven Berkoff (Hackney Empire), Deathtrap (English Theatre, Frankfurt), Seesaw (Arts Ed), The Spring Proms (Royal Albert Hall), Fascinating Aida (UK Tour), The Glee Club (Bolton Octagon and Cochrane Theatre)

••••The Teamand The Wood Demon (Playhouse Theatre).

A graduate of the Guildhall School Of Music and Drama he has lit many a show in many a country and also regionally, in the West End on television and film with departures into architectural projects culminating in designing the lighting for the Virgin Atlantic planes and the Airbus A380, the biggest one to date.

He has just created the New Colour Blue series for global giant Lee Filters. One of the colours is now the 8th highest selling in the world.

When not pointing lights at his favourite girl group he cooks, builds things and dreams of a life in the country with dogs called Babs and Bunty.

MARC ‘Sultan of Sound’ COHEN Sound Design Marc has been behind the sound controls for ‘Fascinating Aida’ on their ‘Never Ending Tour’ for the last 18 years, mixing intricate harmonies and amplifying every word to the audience.

He has also toured extensively abroad as a sound engineer with the ‘Tap Dogs’ dance show.

When he is not ‘on the road’ he spends his time on a farm in the Algarve where he studies Dudeism and plays guitar.

PRODUCTION

DAVID JOHNSON pictured above & JOHN MACKAY(see 'Backroom Boys later in the programme)

ProducersRecent credits include: Fascinating Aida: Cheap Flights, Stewart Lee: Much A Stew About Nothing and Carpet Remnant World, Sandi Toksvig: My Valentine; The Rubberbandits and Alexei Sayle’s return to stand up after 18 years.

www.passwordproductions.co.uk

GAVIN BARKER ASSOCIATESManagement | Agent Back row - Katie Harper & Steven Greenhalgh

Front Row - Gavin Barker & Michelle Burke

Gavin Barker Associates have been managing Fascinating Aida for over 15

years, and have loved every minute of it. With Gavin Barker as Manager and Steven Greenhalgh as Agent, they have arranged for the girls to play locations as varied as Singapore, New York, Kenya, Israel and the Channel Islands.

They oversee all aspects of Fascinating Aida’s work, including corporates and private parties - so if you want to enquire about their availability then email on assistant@gavinbarkerassociates.co.uk

GBA is a boutique management and agency representing an eclectic mix of talent covering all areas of the entertainment industry - actors, musical performers, TV talent and theatre creatives. Other clients include Vanessa Redgrave, John Barrowman and Craig Revel Horwood. They also develop and build new talent, with Fascinating Aida’s choreographer Alan Burkitt being an example.

COMPANY STAGE MANAGER/S

until December 4th - Robyn Clogg

from December 5th - Lucy Barton

Spring tour 2014 - Ella Bolton

NICK BATTLE Merchandise and Fan ClubNick first saw Fascinating Aïda when the BBC filmed a biography of the group for their ‘40 minutes’ series. That was back in 1985. Smitten with the fabulous quality of the music and humour, he became Life President of the British Association for Fans of Fascinating Aïda (BAFFA) shortly afterwards. It is a position he has treasured ever since.

Nick processes orders of all CDs and DVDs from Newbury where he has a publishing company (Countryside Books). He will reply to all emails about the group from anyone who writes in.

His five minutes of fame came when he made a surprise appearance on stage at the Wyvern, Swindon, to present flowers to the girls in a Little Chef ’s costume. It was almost impossible to see ahead from inside and was seriously hot. But it was huge fun, as is everything to do with F.A.

GARY RENNIE Facebook Administrator

Gary first saw Fascinating Aïda at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 1984 when he was still an impressionable teenager and has never been quite the same since. At the time, he thought that they were the most glamorous older women that he had seen and he still feels the same way today - he’s a lot less impressionable but they’re just as glamorous and only slightly older.

In 1997 he set up the group’s first website and ran it for the next ten years before handing the job over to a new Webmaster. With the advent of social networking, he was called out of retirement to look after the FA Facebook page.

In real life, he works in IT at an independent school in Edinburgh where he changes passwords and drinks a large volume of tea. His other interests include collecting and using old film cameras and working on an old van that he bought by accident on eBay.

•••• Unsung Heroes

Charm Offensive Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2014

We’re Next / We’ve had the best of the worldMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Boomerang KidsMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Spending Nigel’s BonusMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

DoggingMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Bulgarians....Music: Keane • Lyrics: Keane /Anderson / Pulman

Song of Genetic MutationMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane/Anderson

Health & SafetyMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane/Anderson

Little Girls In PinkMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Old HomeMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane/Anderson

Prisoner Of GenderMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Cheap FlightsMusic: Keane • Lyrics: Keane / Anderson

Gossip, Chutney & Hobnobbing

Charmingly Offensive ... Fascinating Aïda

Starring two old trouts and a hatchling!

Well, since I have at last started writing this programme, I shall start with my own life, which is a subject very dear to my heart. I live on a farm and my personal enthusiasm is growing fruit, and finding ways to preserve it. See above. My beloved, known as Brian to millions if not to me, is a farmer and that’s him on a tractor, right, doing what

every farmer likes to do when the sun shines.

No I don’t know what that picture of a football is doing on this page, I hate football. Anyhow, keep on

reading, it might get more interesting...

A glut of fruit from the farm ! ! !

Making Hay

The Daily Dillie

Another celebration very soon, woo hoo!Fans of the group will know that we have earned ourselves a reputation as the Spinal Tap of the cabaret world, as soprano after soprano has spontaneously combusted and disappeared into relative obscurity. And that’s just the ones you know about…!

However, what people don’t realize is that Miss Liza Pulman actually joined us very nearly TEN years ago! On March 4th, 2004, she did her first gig with us at the Dulwich Picture Gallery and I have to say that her arrival in the group ushered in a period of peace and stability. Obviously, we were not working all that time: I have to be honest and say the constant upheaval made me very downhearted and I couldn’t see a future for the group. But then the 25th anniversary loomed, and it occurred to me that she had never had her own show, and I’d always promised Adèle we would celebrate 25 years. And it has been a delight since then.

Obviously, she took a year’s sabbatical for personal reasons, but we always prayed she’d come back!

Thanks for ten great years, Liza, it’s going to be one hell of a party!

Interesting factsWe discovered that you need not worry about your health in Sark. This modest wee hoose is the local medical centre on Sark, and we are assured that it is entirely set up for anyone to have open-heart surgery. So if you’ve got a dicky ticker, and you are thinking of having a holiday on Sark, don’t worry, you can have that op if it gives out suddenly. Which it might very well do, as hauling your suitcases around the island (nae transport) nearly gave all us heart failure.

It’s been our ambition to play all the playable islands off the cost of Great Britain. We haven’t succeeded yet, but we keep trying.

So far, we have played:JerseyGuernseyAlderneySarkThe Isle of ManThe Isle of WightSt Mary’s, Scilly Isles

And we keep hoping that the Scottish Highlands and Islands will ask us to do a tour!

This is a picture of Adèle and Liza on the Isle of Sark. Very nice too.

This is us in South Africa, having a very glamorous lunch with our good friend Tony O’Sullivan. I have known Tony since I was a bright young thing and both Adèle and Liza have taken the old rogue to their hearts. He spends part of the year in Cape Town and has been there on both our visits.

Here we are pictured having been most generously wined and dined at Uitzig, the No.1 restaurant in the Cape.

1. I had crab to start with, followed by sweetbreads. If ever I see sweetbreads on a menu, I always eat them. Super yum!2. You can usually rely on Liza Pulman to go for the fish option, although she is not 100% reliable in this regard. Here she ate fish.3. Adèle likes it meaty. Pie on the menu means Pie on the Dame’s plate. Pie wasn’t available, so she had liver. She loves liver.

We had an awful lot of wine that day. Liza knows more about wine than me, and Adèle always drinks Shiraz

Glamorous Life...

... and 'Hobnobbing'Let’s face it, hobnobbing is a thing we hardly ever do. When have you seen us in the pages of Hello! Or gracing the social pages of Vogue, Harpers & Queen, et al? Where are the fancy invitations to openings, first nights, launches and vernissages? Well, of course, the truth is that we couldn’t do our job if we couldn’t take the piss out of the kind of people who like all that sort of mullarkey. However, occasionally we do get to meet people we really respect, and we were incredibly proud to meet the great April Ashley (below). And we had the most wonderful lunch in Cape Town with the legendary Joe Brown (below). He’s a wonderful raconteur, a brilliant musician and performer, and a delightful man.

Backroom Boys People often ask us why our tour dates are booked as follows… Truro, Aberdeen, Birmingham, Eastbourne, Liverpool… That’s because Bookers Don’t Have Maps. However, the man on the left is our producer John Mackaaaaayyyyy (pronounced that way because he is Scottish) and he bought our booker a map. Since then, our tours have been rather logical with nice short journeys.

1) The man on the left is our co-producer John Mackay; he works with his business partner who is known as David Johnson. That's because it is his name

2) The man on the right is not David Johnson, he is my partner Brian, although obviously that’s not his name.

3) I don't know who the person walking away is.

Dangerous Sports!The Dame is nothing if not a thrill-seeker. She likes to spend her holidays in places no-one else would ever think of going. Above, you can see her quaffing a litre of Bratislavan beer with dear old Vladimir Ulyanov in the background. She tells us her next trip is going to be to North Korea. Just fancy! (No thank you!).

In addition to that, she loves to hurl herself off things, into things and out of things. I don’t want too much detail, as I am one of life’s rabbits and prefer the comfort of my own burrow thank you very much. This is a picture of her gleefully about to step off the Auckland Sky Tower. Bonkers.

controlled boat around Hampstead pond with my father in 1978. I tell a lie. I did nearly kill my best friend when I captained a little 50cc engine-boat and sailed a little too close to some rather pointy rocks just off the idyllic Greek island of Paxos.

This information has not deterred my partner, nor Ms Dillie Keane who, for my birthday, presented me with a rather brilliant book entitled ‘Beginners Sailing’

Lest there be any doubt - I am that beginner. Now however, with my book under my arm, and my life jacket firmly secured about me, I am the envy of every Cornish lass I pass.

I am also the proud owner of not one, but two wet suits. One is a very expensive and excellent wetsuit designed for all things watery. It has legs and arms, zips and little Velcro things and it takes me an hour and a half to get into it and three days to get out. My other wet suit is what I like to call my baby wet suit. It only has half legs and half arms and I much prefer it as it only takes me 10 mins to get into it and half an hour to get out. Despite the fact that I am mentally and physically exhausted before I’ve even got into the boat, I have learnt about Tacking and Jibing (which as far as I can see are sort of the same thing as each other only backwards) but both of which are marvellous for getting an even tan, although not when you are trussed up in a wet suit, a harness and life jacket. When not apprenticing on the good ship “Everyone knows what they’re doing except for the small blonde soprano”, I have enjoyed sailing the way I was born to do it, with a straw hat, a glass of champagne and a smile. (see pic Champagne already guzzled!!)

A SOPRANO’S SUMMER!!SO…..

The summer, traditionally, is about recuperating for all of us after a heavy spring tour, but this year rather than rest and spend the summer catching up on my life, I decided to put together my first solo show for a decade.

I was asked to perform at the Ludlow Jazz festival this year and, having been desperate for an excuse to sing the songs of the great Harold Arlen, I jumped at the chance and teamed up with the divinely talented Jazz pianist Gareth Williams. With over 400 songs to choose from, shaping a 45/50 minute set was no easy task, but after a fair few rehearsals we had a show that we were proud of and the gig was a huge success. (I am hoping to record it this autumn so you’ll soon be able to judge for yourselves!!)

Other than singing, the summer has brought my birthday and with it a shiny new bike from my fella, (see Pic)

It turns out that Cornwall (Fella’s home) was not made for cycling. Who knew there

were so many hills? Possibly Daphne Du Maurier. So, a two-wheeled day out for me consists of slowly and painfully pushing the bike up the hill, reaching the top, panting loudly and then whizzing down the other side. There is absolutely no cycling required at any point. Marvellous!

Cornwall was, however, made for sailing. Everybody in Cornwall can sail. Children come out of their mother’s womb sailing on an Optimist dinghy. I on the other hand, was born travelling on a big red London bus. The closest I ever came to sailing was racing a remote

Dillie's Chutney RecipeThe thing about making chutney is that it is not an exact science at all, unlike baking. The great canard about it is that you can't tell what the final result will be until you taste it in three months time when it has matured and proved. This is pretty much nonsense. Yes, it matures and proves, but if it's bitter or vinegary when you pot it up, no amount of storing in a darkened cupboard will make it nice. If, however, it's quite good when you pot it up, it'll be great when you finally eat it at Christmas. So feel free to adjust the taste before you pot up. And remember, everyone's taste is different. I don't like my food too vinegary, other people love vinegar. There is no right or wrong.

The other thing to remember is that you can substitute freely. If a recipe calls for sultanas, and you don't have any in the house, any other dried fruit will do just as well.

I have a glut of redcurrants every year - foolishly, I planted two bushes when one would have done me nicely. So I hunted on the net for a redcurrant chutney because there's only so much redcurrant jelly one family can get through in a year. I found one, and it was not great. Runny and sharp. However, by dint of much adjustment, adaptation and tasting, this ended up lovely and Christmassy.

Redcurrant Chutney. Stage 1500 ml redcurrants, taken off the stem75 ml granulated sugar3 tbsp cider vinegar (I use Aspalls)The original recipe suggested that I boil this until the currants start to disintegrate, then sieve and press to extract the juice. I did, but I don't think I would have minded the pips.

Stage 21 tbsp veg oil2 tbsp mustard seeds20 black peppercorns12 whole cloves1 cinnamon stick2 tbsp dried cinnamon 1 tsp dried ginger1 tsp saltFry these spices in the oil for 1 minute, and then turn the heat down low and add... 3 large Spanish onions, diced and fry this lot till the onion is soft - but not browned!

Stage 3Now add the currant juice and a hefty pinch of cayenne pepper - or half a teaspoonful if you are feeling brave. Then add 1 packet mixed cranberries and raisins (any dried fruit actually) and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. Then uncover and simmer some more, stirring constantly until it's reduced and thickened. Check for taste - add vinegar or sugar, whichever you think it needs, and pot up. I see from my notes that I think it might do well to chuck some apple in so I would do that at Stage 3. A couple of Bramleys chopped would never go amiss.

Happy chutting!

Happy chutting!

Jay SharpeMerchandise and Transport Supremo

Liza's cat

Liza multi-tasking

The Sultan of Sound in the Scillies

Adèle wishes to be alone

Joanna Lumley? Mmm

Team dogs

with Alan Burkitt - choreographerand Gavin Barker - Manager

Us in Constanzia (that's South Africa you know!)

Stepford Wives?

Cirque du Soleil (auf Deutsch)

Fascinating Aïda - Never knowingly understood... CREDITS

The list of people who work on this show is longer than people would ever believe. It's not just the three of us up there on this stage who magic it all out of thin air - we have an incredible

team of creative people who work with us and we're very grateful for their care and attention.

Pip Broughton - DirectorAlan Burkitt - Choreographer

Mike Robertson - Lighting DesignMarc Cohen - Sultan of Sound - Sound design

Thames Audio - additional sound design

Costumes:Act One - Beatrice von Tresckow http://www.beatricevontresckow.com

Act Two - Join Clothes http://www.joinclothes.com/splash/Dillie's red dress - Kevin Freeman

read more about him here :-http://www.highbury.ac.uk/client/content.asp?Contentid=739&NewsId=1139)

Company Stage Manager until December 4th - Robyn Cloggfrom December 5th - Lucy Barton

Spring tour - Ella Bolton

Producers - John Mackay and David Johnson for Password Productions http://www.passwordproductions.co.uk

Management - Gavin Barker for Gavin Barker Associates http://www.gavinbarkerassociates.co.uk

Press and Marketing - Arabella Neville-Rolfe and Nick Boaden for Target Live

Tour Booking - Dave Mauchline and Lindsay Waistell

Merchandise and Transport Supremo - Jay Sharpe

Music Publishing and Record Producer - John Craig for First Night Records, with Andy Pike and Martine Pugh

Maestro of Keeping All The Plates Spinning - Steven Greenhalgh at Gavin Barker Associates Facebook Page Monitor and Internet Sleuth - Gary Rennie

Life President of BAFFA - Nick BattleWebmaster - Rob Stokes

Photography - Johnny BoylanStylist - Martine Alexander

Programme Design - Judy Gibson

Team Dogs Princess Maris Piper Desirée Pomme Boulangère Keane O'Neill

and her page - Spudulike Baby-Jesus Bath Oliver Biscuit Benjamin Barker Toast-Hunter Moondog Fitz-Poodle (known as Spud)