Chapter 6 Communications

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION - M.Lawrence Express your feelings, thoughts and wishes.Stand up for your legitimate rights without violating rights of others.Assertiveness is a skill you can acquire & not a personality trait.

PASSIVE STYLE

Don’t directly express your feelings, thoughts, and wishes.

Communicate indirectly by frowning, crying, or whispering.

Withhold your feelings & wishes entirely.

Smile a lot.

Do more than your share of listening,

Make disclaimers such as“I’m no expert… I’m really not sure… I really shouldn’t be saying this, but….

Stir up guilt & resentment in others by pointing a finger of blame.

You use “ always” and “never”

Move with an air of superiority and strength.

Style may run from cold & deadly quiet to flippant & sarcastic to loud & shrill.

Eyes are narrowed & expressionless.

Posture is that of a solid rock: feet planted apart, hands on hips, jaw clenched and jutting out, gestures rigid, abrupt, and intimidating.

Sometimes pointing finger or make a fist.

Don’t really hear what others are saying.

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ASSERTIVE STYLEMake direct statements regarding your feelings, thoughts, and wishes.

Stand up for our rights and take into account the rights and feelings of others.

Listen attentively, and let other people know that you have heard them.

Open to negotiation and compromise, but not at the expense of your own rights and dignity.

Make direct requests and direct refusals.

Give and receive compliments.

Start and stop a conversation.

Deal effectively with criticism, without becoming hostile or defensive.

Convey an air of assured strength and empathy.

Relaxed, well-modulated, and firm voice

Comfortable with direct eye contact and not stare.

Eyes communicate openness and honesty.

Balanced and erect posture

ROLE PLAY-PASSIVE STYLE

Pretend to be a very dependent spouse.

Move one of your feet back and put your weight on it. Extend your arms, palms up. Bend over a bit so you don’t get enough air to have a full rich voice, and you are slightly off balance.With a soft voice say,

1. Whatever you say is all right with me. 2. I’m just here to make you happy.3. I don’t have any power of my own.


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4. I depend on you to make the decisions and take care of me.

5. I’d be vulnerable without you, so whatever you say goes.6. I’m sorry if I have inconvenienced you in some way.7. I’d offer an opinion, but it isn’t worth much.

Continue like this for three minutes. How do you feel? How are you breathing? How are your muscles?Feeling off balance, tense, sad, vulnerable, resentful, dependent, dishonest, upset, one-down, worthless, and childish.

Advantage: Don’t have to take responsibility for your feelings and needs.

Disadvantage: loss of independence, stifled needs, stifled feelings. Self- hatred because you can’t seem to change anything or express how you really feel.

AGGRESSIVE STYLE- ROLE PLAY

Pretend to be an aggressive supervisor, bawling out an employee.Stand up & lean forward slightly on one foot. Put hand on your hip, and point the index finger of the other at the employee.In a loud, accusatory voice say, 1. You never do anything right.2. You are always late.3. You are always doing some stupid thing.4. What’s wrong with you?5. You are just lazy.6. We could rent you out as a door stop.7. I’m the only one around here who does anything.8. I get sick and tired of having to make all the decisions.9. You never take any initiative.

Continue in this vein for three minutes using plenty of you.How are you breathing? How are your muscles? What do you sound like?You feel strong and solid. All of your energy is directed outward. Your muscles are very tense especially in the throat, neck, and shoulders. Your voice becomes shrill and breath comes in little gasps as your


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throat tightens.

Advantage: Achieve short- term goals, Able to vent your anger.

Disadvantage: People resist and resent you. Always have to stay on guard. Can’t express your softer feelings or your uncertainty.

I. Assertive Goals

1. What do you get out of being passive?2. What would you have to give up if you behaved assertively instead of passively?3. What do you get from being aggressive?4. What would you have to give up if you behaved assertively instead of aggressively?5. What would you gain from being assertive?

List at least five assertive goals:

II. Assertive _Expression

1. Acknowledgement a. Constructive criticism is O.K. for improvement and feedback checks the mistake. b. Don’t make excuses or apologize for your behaviour. c. Child- supply an excuse; Adult gives an explanation for your actions.

2. Clouding

Useful technique for dealing with non-constructive and manipulative criticism with which you disagree.

a. Agreeing in part: Exaggeration of the critic to be modified and rephrased.

b. Agreeing in probability: “It may be …” or “ you could be right…”

c. Agreeing in principle: Agree with the logic of the critic, without agreeing with his premise

3. Probing


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a. Probe for what is underneath it. b. Listen to the critic’s response to determine what he or she feels, thinks, and wants. c. What is it about my work that bothers you?

III. Special Assertive Strategies

1. Broken Record : Useful when you want to ay no. a. Clarify what you want or don’t want b. Say “I don’t want to.” Instead of “I can’t.” c. Stand or sit erect, look the other person in the eye, keep

your hands quietly at your sides d. Calmly and firmly repeat your statement as many times e. May choose to briefly acknowledge the other person’s ideas, feelings, or wishes before returning to your broken record.

2. Content-to-Process Shift a. Involves some self-disclosure about how you are feeling or thinking in the interaction. b. Useful when drifting away from the topic. c. Useful when two people are raising their voices or angry.

3. Momentary Delay a. Make sure you understand the other person. b. Analyze what has been said. c. Go inside and become aware of what you feel, think, and want in the situation. d. Consciously influence the situation.

4. Time Out a. Valuable when the interaction is too passive or too aggressive. b. Useful when one is very silent, tearful, or frozen into agreeing with everything c. When one is acting hurtful, name-calling, and dragging up antique complaints.

Assertive Skills Practice

1. Using these assertive skills will feel awkward at first.

2. Practice these skills with a sympathetic friend.


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3. Use the empty chair technique if alone. a. Make the assertive chair as though the person were really in the chair listening. b. Move to the empty chair, pretend you are the other person and respond as you think that person would respond. c. Return to your own chair and notice how you feel and

what you think of the other person’s response. Make an appropriate assertive statement.

4. If you feel self-conscious, try going through its steps in your imagination.

5. Or write out a script with your statements and responses of the other person.

6. Rehearse your assertive lines in front of a mirror to make sure your body language is consistent with what you are saying.

7. Recording an imaginary assertive conversation can also be very useful.

8. Slowly integrate the assertive skills into your everyday life.


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Chapter 6 Communications

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Transcript of Chapter 6 Communications