Chapter 5: The Illustration EssayCopyright © 2011

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vLbMuPkqGIw/TNg88w6txHI/AAAAAAAAHr0/--7LM5_YXyQ/s400/thagomizer.jpg

The first time many students hear the term, “Illustration Essay,” they think: “What does that mean? Illustrations are drawings they put in books. What do illustrations have to do with writing?” Surprisingly, the little known Illustration Essay is the most important essay for you to learn. That’s because an Illustration Essay models the organization you use to write all kinds of essays in college, work, and in life. If you learn to write an effective Illustration Essay, you’ll have the secret to effective writing.

The organization behind an Illustration Essay is simple: it’s writing that proves a point (The Thesis) by examples. Examples are just another word for the Specific Support we studied in the earlier chapters. Because the Illustration Essay most accurately models using Specific Support to prove your Thesis, it’s a great way to practice and improve your writing.

The Illustration Essay is often defined as “writing by example,” and that’s exactly what you’re doing: You’re giving examples – examples with details – to support your Thesis Statement.

Practice 1. “Writing by example” – Take a look at the following drafts of the same essay and decide which essay uses Examples to give you a better idea of what the writer is trying to prove about the Topic.

“Effects of Lack of Sleep”

Essay 1

I’m a student taking a full load of classes, and I work twenty hours a week so I can pay the tuition for college. With this busy schedule, I’ve realized there are many bad effects when I do not get enough sleep at night. The first effect is I tend to fall asleep in class. Falling asleep means I miss everything. It’s hard to concentrate when you haven’t had enough sleep. It’s hard to pay attention when you haven’t had enough sleep. I miss most of what the professor is lecturing on. I find myself nodding off and soon I’m asleep. I am doing nothing more than wasting my time in class.

Another effect of not getting enough sleep is that I lack energy. My body will not have much energy if I don’t get enough sleep because sleeping allows my body to rest and recharge. I am not lazy, but without sleep I feel low energy without the drive to complete my work. That lack of energy is almost all caused by not getting enough sleep. I know my low energy level could be solved if I just could get more sleep.

The third effect is the quality of my work won’t be very good. If I am tired, I don’t focus well and I won’t do well in college, at my job, or wherever I am. I am not happy with the quality of my work, but without enough sleep, I don’t seem to be able to do anything about it. I think the quality of work in college or at my job is dependent on how much sleep I have had. I am not happy with the quality of my work, but I know I could solve this problem by getting enough sleep.

These are some of the bad results I have experienced from not getting enough sleep. Don’t you think that after a while I would figure out that

if I want to do well in life, I should get more sleep?

Essay 2

I’m a student taking a full load of classes, and I work twenty hours a week so I can pay the tuition for college. With this busy schedule, I’ve realized there are many bad effects when I do not get enough sleep at night. The first effect is I tend to fall asleep in class. Falling asleep means I miss everything. For example, last Sunday night I only got three hours of sleep because I stayed up late talking with a friend. That next day in my English class I was listening and the next thing I knew my professor was shaking me awake! I was definitely embarrassed, and I remembered none of what was covered including what we were assigned for homework and what our essay was on and when it was due.

Another effect of not getting enough sleep is that I lack energy. My body will not have much energy if I don’t get enough sleep because sleeping allows my body to rest and recharge. I have to wake up early to go to class. I have three classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, all in the morning. After class, I have to go to work at Target. I’m at the cash register from 2:00 until 6:00, five days a week. Then when I finish work, I go back to the apartment, cook some dinner, and then I need to do homework for at least two hours a night. I cannot keep up with everything I have to do if I don’t get a good night’s sleep. I just don’t have the energy. Last week, for example, I ended up missing my classes on Wednesday, did not make it to work on Thursday, and failed to do my homework all week!

The third effect is the quality of my work won’t be very good. Without enough sleep, I make stupid mistakes at work, and I am not able to concentrate on my homework at night. As for that essay that was due in English, the best I could do was a “D,” which is not good enough. My professor told me I can do better, and I had to admit that he was right. I know that the quality of my work would improve significantly if I could get enough sleep.

These are some of the bad results I have experienced from not getting enough sleep. Don’t you think that after a while I would figure out that

if I want to do well in life, I should get more sleep?

Which Essay uses Specific Examples to help the reader understand each Support Point?

___ Essay 1 ___ Essay 2

Not getting enough sleep?http://media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper949/stills/436b1d3b197be-23-1.jpg

Here’s how the concept of Examples fits into the organizational structure of the Illustration Essay.

1. Introductory Paragraph – a. Gets the readers’ interestb. Sets the context for the paragraph/essay (provides

background)c. Thesis Statement (Topic + Main Idea) – The last sentence

of the Introductory Paragraph

2. Support Paragraph One – Topic Sentencea. General Support Sentence 1b. Specific Support 1 – Example with details

3. Support Paragraph Two – Topic Sentence

a. General Support Sentence 2b. Specific Support 2 – Example with details

4. Support Paragraph Three – Topic Sentence (The third reason your reader should believe your Thesis.)

a. General Support Sentence 3b. Specific Support 3 – Example with details

5. Conclusion –a. Restates the Main Idea (what you have proved in the essay in

different words)b. Takes the reader a step further

It’s the Examples or Illustrations in the Support Paragraphs that gives the Illustration Essay its name.

In the following Illustration Essay, the student writer uses the organizational structure outlined above. (We’ll use this essay as a model throughout the chapter.)

We’ve identified the organization of the essay using the following key: The Introduction designed to get the readers’ interest and give

background to the essay is in Italics The Thesis Statement for the essay is underlined and in bold type; The Topic Sentence for each Support Paragraph is underlined; The Transitions for the Topic Sentence at the beginning of each Support

Paragraph are in (parentheses). The Transitions for the Specific Support Sentences – the examples – are

in [brackets]. The General Support Sentences are in Blue Type; The Specific Support Sentences are in Red Type; The Conclusion that restates the Main Idea in different words is green,

underlined type, and the Conclusion that takes the reader a step further is in Green Type.

1Brooke Stillman3/10/09ENG 090-501Illustration Essay

2Informal OutlineThesis Statement: My three obstacles in returning to college are time, lack of focus, and working two full-time jobs.Support 1: TimeSupport 2: Lack of focusSupport 3: Stamina

3Obstacles to Being in School Again

4I have been working as a teller in the banking industry for the past several years and have recently come to realize that I want to do more with my life. To be able to succeed in the area that I want to, I must get my accounting degree. Now that I have finally started taking classes, there are three major obstacles that I’m encountering along the way. 5Those three obstacles are time, lack of focus, and working two full time jobs while being a good mom to my son.

6 The 7 ( first ) obstacle that is holding me back from pursuing my accounting degree is time. 8There never seems to be enough time in the day to finish everything. I wake up every morning at 6 am at the latest to get myself and my son Josh ready for the day. I get my son dropped off at daycare and get to work. When I’m off

1At the upper left hand corner, include your Name, Date, Class, and Type of Essay – single spaced.

2Every essay you write in this class needs to have an Informal Outline, which contains the Thesis Statement and three main Support Points.

3 Capitalize the first letter in each word of your title (except for a, the, at, of, in and to unless one of these words begins the title). Center the title above the essay.

4The Introduction provides background to the essay, in this case the writer’s experiences that influenced her decision to return to college.

5The Thesis Statement has the Topic (returning to college) and the Main Idea (Those three obstacles: lack of focus, and working two full time jobs while being a good mom to my son.)

6Topic Sentence for Support Paragraph 1: (“The first obstacle to returning to college is time.”)

7Transition words signaling the first Support Point: “The (first) obstacle”

work at 5 pm, I pick Josh up and drive home. By the time we’re home and we’ve eaten dinner, it’s time to get him in the bathtub and then ready for bed. Once I get him to bed, I need at least twenty minutes to relax before I can begin focusing on doing homework. I find myself at the end of every day struggling to stay awake to complete all of my homework on time.

6A 7 (second) obstacle is that I seem to have a very hard time focusing on my schoolwork. 8That lack of focus comes from being a single mom, working full time, becoming engaged and trying to plan a wedding, buying a new house, and going through a custody battle for my child. I just have so much going on it’s a challenge to give my complete attention to my schoolwork. 9[For example, yesterday], 10after I got my son to bed and started reading the chapter on the Civil War for my history class, a half hour went by before I realized that I was thinking of the custody battle with my husband and had not read a single line of the history chapter. I guess you could say it was the wrong war!

6(Last), 7having two jobs and taking care of my four-year old son seems to drain all the energy I have. 8My four-year old is a constant spitfire of energy that never seems to slow down. Josh can play all day and not get tired! 9[Last weekend], 10he was

8 General Support Sentence that sets context for the specific example that follows: (“There never seems to be enough time in the day to finish everything.”)

9Specific Support – example with details. (I wake up every morning at 6 am…. struggling to stay awake to complete all of my homework on time.)

6 Topic Sentence for Support Paragraph 2: (“a very hard time focusing on my schoolwork.”)

7Transition words signaling the second Support Point: “The (a second) obstacle”

8 General Support Sentence that sets context for the specific example that follows: (“There never seems to be enough time in the day to finish everything.”)

9 Transition Phrase from General to Specific Support. [“For example, yesterday”]

10Specific Support – example with details. (after I got my son to bed and started reading….it was the wrong war!)

6 Transition words signaling the third Support Point: “The (last) obstacle”

7Topic Sentence for Support Paragraph 3: (“having two

going strong all morning and most of the afternoon. I only knew he was tired because he started crying when I told him that the book he wanted me to read to him had been returned to the library, and no other book would substitute, not even the book he had been so excited about the day before when we checked it out from the library! I also work as a teller at a credit union and find it to be a stressful job as I constantly have to be in a good mood and talking to people. I get home at the end of the day and after putting my son to bed, the last thing that I want to do is get on my computer and work on school.

11Although there are a number of obstacles that get in my way of completing my classes, it is worth my time, focus, and energy. 12I know that one day I will be proud of myself for sacrificing these things in order to better myself and to better provide for my family. Until then, I will put forth one hundred percent into these classes so I can have the job that I desire.

jobs and taking care of my four-year old son seems to drain me from all the energy that I have.”)

8 General Support Sentence that sets context for the specific example that follows: (“My four-year old is a constant spitfire of energy…can play all day and not get tired!”)

9 Transition Phrase from General to Specific Support. [“Last weekend”]

10Specific Support – example with details. (he was going strong all morning and…. the last thing that I want to do is get on my computer and work on school.)

11 Conclusion that restates the Thesis in different words:

Original Thesis Statement: (“Those three obstacles [to returning to college] include lack of focus, and working two full time jobs while being a good mom to my son.”)

11Restated Thesis in the Conclusion: (“Those three obstacles are time, lack of focus, and working two full time jobs while being a good mom to my son.”)

12Conclusion takes the reader a step further: (“I know that one day I will be proud of myself….until then, I

will put forth one hundred percent into these classes so I can have the job that I desire.”)

Brooke with her College Algebra textbook, and her son Josh holding his long-flying paper airplane!

Using the above essay, let’s review the steps you’ll need to use to organize and write an effective Illustration Essay.

Steps in Writing an Illustration Essay

Step 1. The Thesis Statement

A. The Topic

The first step in organizing your Illustration Essay is to develop a Thesis Statement. All Thesis Statements have two important parts:

The Topic or the Subject you are writing about The Main Idea or what you’ll prove about the Topic by using examples.

As we mentioned previously, the Topic is usually given by your professor. In fact, in most college classes you’ll receive a list of Topics to choose from.

Here’s an important point: Choose a Topic that you know something about, and as importantly, are interested in. Remember, “When you care about the topic, you’ll do a better job and have more fun!”

Here’s a typical list of Topics that you could receive in a writing class:

1. Traffic2. Teen

Pregnancy3. Inflation4. Child care5. Crime

A College Child Care Center http://www.hallmarkinfrastructure.co.in/images/daycare.jpg

If you have children and are trying to figure out how you can go to college and take care of your kids at the same time, the Topic of “Daycare service for student-parents” might be a good choice for you.

Or, here’s a different example: if you drive I-25 to Denver each day for a job, the Topic of “Traffic in the greater Denver area” might be worth considering. The same is true of the Topics “Crime” and “Inflation.” In deciding on a Topic, it’s a good idea to ask the following questions:

What is your experience with the Topic? How much do you care about the Topic?

Your answers are the key to making the best decision about which Topic to choose for your essay. Remember, if you care about the Topic, the writing will be much easier, you’ll do a better job, and have more fun!

B. The Main Idea

Once you have the Topic, the next step is to develop a Thesis Statement. The Thesis Statement not only contains the Topic, but also the Main Idea (what you will prove about the Topic by using Examples). Remember, you need both a Topic and a Main Idea for a Thesis Statement. It’s not enough to announce that “you’ll be writing about crime.” You also have to prove something about crime. For example:

Topic + Main Idea The effects of crime go beyond the individuals involved; or

Topic + Main Idea Crime has not been reduced by mandatory sentencing.

It’s up to you to choose what you will prove about the Topic through Examples.

Given the list of Topics outlined above, we might come up with the following Thesis Statements:

Topic + Main Idea1. Day care is critical to non-traditional students staying in college.

Topic + Main Idea2. Traffic in metro Denver is becoming intolerable.

Topic + Main Idea3. The effects of crime go beyond the individuals involved.

Topic + Main Idea4. Inflation affects the ability of working families to pay basic

expenses.

Practice 2. Crafting your own Thesis Statement – Using the following list of Topics, develop a Thesis Statement by adding a Main Idea.

Topic: Trains Topic + Main Idea Example Thesis Statement: Trains are a much more relaxed way to travel.

Topic + Main Idea = Thesis Statement1. The Internet

2. Gas prices

3. A college degree

4. Stress

5. Teen pregnancy

Introductory photograph and paragraph to a Time magazine article on teen pregnancy and foster care:

“What's tougher than being a pregnant teenager? Try being a pregnant

teenager in foster care. Miranda Sheffield had pinballed in and out of more than 10 foster homes in Southern California by the time she became pregnant with her daughter at the age of 17. "I was close to aging out [of the system]," she says of the program that in most states finds temporary homes for children until they are 18. "And when I got pregnant, I found there was no support for me. It was like, 'We need to get you out of foster care because we won't be able to handle you and a baby.' "

“Teen Pregnancy: An Epidemic in Foster Care”Amy Sullivan, Time Magazine, July 28, 2009http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1911854,00.html

Practice 3. Choose one of the Thesis Statements you developed above. If you like, this Thesis Statement can serve as the Thesis Statement for an Illustration Essay that you’ll be assigned at the end of the chapter.

Topic + Main Idea = Thesis StatementYour ThesisStatement:

Step 2. The Informal Outline

After writing down your Thesis Statement, the next step is to outline three Support Points that will provide evidence for, or prove your Thesis. The Thesis Statement and three Support Points make up the Informal Outline that will guide your writing like a roadmap guides you on the road.

As an example, here’s the Informal Outline that served as the basis for the Illustration Essay on the obstacles to returning to college that we presented earlier in the chapter (view Illustration Essay).

Informal OutlineThesis Statement My three obstacles in returning to college are time,

lack of focus, and working two full time jobs.Support Point 1: not enough timeSupport Point 2: not enough focusSupport Point 3: two full-time jobs

Practice 4. Developing an Informal Outline – For each of the Topics listed below, write a Thesis Statement and three Support Points.

Informal Outline 1. Topic: “Gas prices”

Thesis Statement:Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

High gas prices, Summer 2008 Lines form at gas stations during the 1973 oil embargohttp://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photo_StoryLevel/080624/080624-gaslines-hmed-4p.h2.jpg

Informal Outline 2. Topic: “The Internet”

Thesis Statement:Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

Students take advantage of free Internet at college

Informal Outline 3. Topic: “Teen pregnancy”

Thesis Statement:Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

Informal Outline 4. Topic: “Exercise”

Thesis Statement:Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

Taking a run after classhttp://blog.mlive.com/chronicle/2008/04/large_01running.jpg

Informal Outline 5. Topic: “A college degree”

Thesis Statement:Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

College graduate!http://blog.mlive.com/kzgazette/2008/04/kalamazoo_valley_community_col.html

Step 3. The First Draft

Once you have an Informal Outline with a Thesis Statement and three Support Points, you’re ready to write the first draft of your essay!

An Illustration Essay usually has five paragraphs, each with a different purpose. Let’s review:

A. The Introductory Paragraph

1. Introductory Paragrapha. Gets the readers’ interest

b. Sets the context for the paragraph/essay (provides background)

c. Thesis Statement (Topic + Main Idea)

There are many ways to write the Introduction. Chapter 9 reviews the methods you can use to get a readers’ interest and sets the background that needs to be included in the Introduction to your essay. And, remember, the Introductory Paragraph ends with the Thesis Statement .

Here’s the Introductory Paragraph from the student writer’s Illustration Essay that we presented at the beginning of this chapter on “obstacles to returning to college”:

[Introduction]: I have been working as a teller in the banking industry for the past several years and have recently come to realize that I want to do more with my life. To be able to succeed in the area that I want to, I must get my accounting degree. Now that I have finally started taking classes, there are three major obstacles that I’m encountering along the way. [Thesis Statement]: Those three obstacles are time, lack of focus, and working two full time jobs while being a good mom to my son.

Notice that the writer gets her readers’ interest and sets the background for the essay by telling a story of how she worked as a bank teller before realizing

she wanted more from life, and so made the decision to return to college. Her Introductory Paragraph ends with the Thesis Statement (“three obstacles to returning to college”).

B. The Support Paragraphs

The Support Paragraphs in the Illustration Essay have three parts:

Support Paragraphs: 1. Topic Sentence2. General Support3. Specific Support – Example with details

In an Illustration Essay, each Support Point in the Informal Outline becomes the basis for the Topic Sentence for each Support Paragraph, and the Examples you use are the Specific Support Sentences. Let’s use the student essay about the “obstacles to returning to college” to illustrate the point. Support Paragraph 1:

[Topic Sentence]: The first obstacle that is holding me back from pursuing my accounting degree is time. [General Support]: There never seems to be enough time in the day to finish everything. [Specific Support – The Example]: I wake up every morning at 6:00 am at the latest to get myself and my son Josh ready for the day. I get my son dropped off at daycare and get to work. When I’m off work at 1:00 pm, I attend two classes until 4:00 pm. Then I pick Josh up and drive home. By the time we’re home and we’ve eaten dinner, it’s time to get him in the bathtub and then ready for bed. Once I get him to bed, I need at least twenty minutes to relax before I can begin focusing on doing homework. I find myself at the end of every day struggling to stay awake to complete all of my homework on time.

The Topic Sentence of the first Support Paragraph is: “The first obstacle that is holding me back from pursuing my accounting degree is time.” That’s because

“not having enough time” was listed as the first support point in the Informal Outline.

Notice also that there are two kinds of Support in this paragraph:

1. General Support: (“There never seems to be enough time in the day to finish everything.”) This sentence focuses the readers’ attention on her support, but does not give the detail.

2. Specific Support or Examples: (“I wake up every morning at 6:00 am at the latest to get myself and my son Josh ready….”). It’s the examples that make for an Illustration Essay!

Support Paragraph 2:

[Topic Sentence]: A second important obstacle is that I seem to have a very hard time focusing on my schoolwork. That lack of focus comes from being a single mom, working full time, becoming engaged and trying to plan a wedding, buying a new house, and going through a custody battle of my child. [General Support]: I just have so much going on it’s a challenge to give my complete attention to my schoolwork. [Specific Support – The Example]: For example, yesterday, after I got my son to bed and started reading the chapter on the Civil War for my history class, a half hour went by before I realized that I was thinking of the custody battle with my husband and had not read a single line of the history chapter. I guess you could say it was the wrong war!

In Support Paragraph 2, the Topic Sentence – the second Support Point in the Informal Outline – is that she has so much going on in returning to school that her focus gets scattered, and she gives a Specific Example: (“after I got my daughter to bed and started reading the chapter on the Civil War for my history class, a half hour went by before I realized that I was thinking of the

custody battle with my husband and had not read a single line of the history chapter….”)

Support Paragraph 3:

[Topic Sentence]: Last, having two jobs and taking care of my four-year old son seems to drain me from all the energy that I have. [General Support]: My four-year old is a constant spitfire of energy that never seems to slow down. Josh can play all day and not get tired! [Specific Support – Example 1]: Last weekend, he was going strong for all morning and most of the afternoon. I only knew he was tired because he started crying when I told him that the book he wanted me to read to him had been returned to the library, and no other book would substitute, not even the book he had been so excited about the day before when we checked it out from the library! [Specific Support – Example 2]: I also work as a teller at a credit union and on weekends I do secretarial work for a real estate company. I do a good job with both, but I put out a lot of energy to get through each work day. I get home at the end of the day and after putting my son to bed, the last thing that I want to do is get on my computer and work on school.

In Support Paragraph 3, the Topic Sentence – the third Support Point in the Informal Outline – is that she does not have enough energy to do everything, followed by a Specific Example of how much energy she put into taking care of her son last weekend. Notice that she also has a second example (how much energy she puts into working two jobs). The longer the essay, the more examples the writer gives, and the more detail in each example.

Transition Words and Phrases

Notice how the student writer uses transition words and phrases to help guide the reader through her essay. Notice also that one kind of transition is used for the Topic Sentences at the beginning of each Support Paragraph and a different kind of transition is used to introduce the Specific Examples.

The Transitions for the Topic Sentence are words and phrases like:

First, second, third, Next, finally, last, Most important,

The Transitions for Specific Examples are words and phrases like:

For example, for instance, Specifically, In fact,

Practice 5. Focusing your support – The defining characteristic of an Illustration Essay is the Example that supports the Thesis Statement. In the essay below, each of the Support Paragraphs fails in some way to be consistent in its support for the Thesis Statement. See if you can identify the mistakes the writer makes in her first draft of an Illustration Essay.

Renae Adams2.9.2009ENG 090Illustration Essay

Informal OutlineThesis Statement: The recession has affected many aspects of society including the working environment, tourism, and the ability to provide basic everyday needs.

1. Many people are losing their jobs.2. With tourism down it is affecting many businesses.3. People are struggling to provide basic needs for their family.

The Impact of the Recession

[Introduction]: As most Americans are aware, the United States has been having problems managing its money. Our free spending, big debt binge has caused the United States to go into a deep recession. The recession has

affected almost everything including employment, tourism, and the ability to provide basic everyday needs.

[Support Paragraph 1]: The recession has caused many people in the country to lose their jobs. With so many businesses closing and so many of jobs being outsourced to other countries, it is hard for the unemployed to find jobs. It has impacted our workforce across the board, from blue collar to corporate.

Support Paragraph 1 is missing a Specific Example. Add your own Example in the space below. (Remember a Specific Example has detail including “who, when, and where.”) The example should be about unemployment that is happening in your own life and experience. Introduce the specific support with the transition phrase “for example.”

Your Specific Example:

[Support Paragraph 2]: We are seeing the number of tourists going down in Leadville. With Leadville’s main source of income coming from tourism, the recession has hit hard. This area thrives off the retail, construction, real estate, and recreation. With tourism down, layoffs and business closings have increased. Unable to find local employment, many have been forced to move out of the area. My aunt is worried about her future now that she has been diagnosed with cancer.

Support Paragraph 2 brings in a different focus than is mentioned in the Topic Sentence. Can you find it? Put the sentence that does not support the Topic Sentence in Blue Type.

[Support Paragraph 3]: The recession is making it difficult for families to provide for the basic needs. With unemployment on the rise, many are struggling to provide for the basic needs of their family including housing, food, transportation, health care, and other living expenses. We have seen people start carpooling, riding city transportation such as the bus, and walking/riding their bikes to various locations. We have also seen a decrease in the number of people dining out at expensive restaurants.

Support Paragraph 3 introduces Support that does not provide evidence for the Topic Sentence of the paragraph. Can you find it? Put the sentence that does not support the Topic Sentence in Blue Type.

Unemployment Line, Great Depression, 1933 Unemployment line, Great Recession, 2009http://sum2llc.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/unemployment-line-nyc-depression.jpghttp://bossip.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/unemployment-line.jpg

C. The Conclusion

The last paragraph in the Illustration Essay is the Conclusion. The Conclusion has two goals.

Conclusiona. Restates the Main Idea (what you have proved in the

paragraph) in different words.b. Takes the reader a step further.

Chapter 10 reviews the methods you can use to develop an effective Conclusion. Here is the method chosen by our student writer in her essay on the “The Impact of the Recession”:

[Restate the Thesis in different words]: The recession has had a major impact on Colorado including high unemployment, less tourism,

and families that are struggling to make ends meet. [Take the reader a step further]: It may take years for our state return to better times, and until then life will be hard and difficult choices must be made.

Notice how the student writer changes the wording but repeats the Thesis using different words in the Conclusion:

Thesis Statement (last sentence of Introductory Paragraph)

Restate Thesis in Conclusion using different words

The recession has affected many aspects of society including the working environment, tourism, and the ability to provide basic everyday needs.

The recession has had a major impact on Colorado including high unemployment, less tourism, and families that are struggling to make ends meet.

The last step in the Conclusion is to “take the reader a step further.” In the example essay, the student writer “takes the reader a step further” by writing that “It may take years for our state return to better times, and until then life will be hard and difficult choices must be made.” We know this statement takes the reader a step further because none of the support in the essay concerns how she’ll be proud to reach her goal.

Practice 6. In the Illustration Essay below titled “Determined to Open a New Chapter in My Life,” identify the Organizational Structure using the following guidelines:

Put the Introduction designed to give background to the essay in Italics.Underline and put in bold type the Thesis Statement, which includes the Topic (who or what event your story is about), and the Main Idea (what you will prove about the Topic through your story—why the story is interesting or meaningful to you).Put the Topic Sentence for each Support Paragraph in Blue type.

Put the Supporting Detail (specific examples) for each Support Paragraph in Red type.Put (parentheses) around the Transition Words and Phrases that signal the Topic Sentence of Support Paragraphs.Put [brackets] around the Transition Words and Phrases that signal specific support or examples.Put the Conclusion that restates the Thesis and takes the reader a step further in Green type.

Jon ParisEng 090-5013/30/2009Illustration Essay

Informal OutlineThesis Statement: I have encountered several obstacles that have impeded me from furthering my education.Support Point 1: Cost of tuition and course related books Support Point 2: Not enough time Support Point 3: Finding out the steps needed for enrollment seemed daunting.

Determined to Open a New Chapter in My Life

Throughout my youth, I recall my father’s longing to see me further my education. I remember the long hours he would work to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. Although he was reasonably successful within his career, he often lamented about how he could have provided for the family better had he completed college. After I had graduated from high school, I saw the hurt in his eyes when I chose to follow in his footsteps by choosing military service instead of enrolling in college. I told both him and myself that it was only a temporary delay towards higher education, although I was always looking for excuses to put off the enrollment process. I was always citing long work hours and family matters as justification for my procrastination. Now as an assistant engineer working amongst engineers that all have completed their college education, I feel that if I don’t enroll quickly I will soon add “being too old” to my list of excuses. I fear that I will share the same fate as my father, telling my children

how I wish I had done things differently. Much to my dismay, I have encountered several obstacles that have impeded me from furthering my education.

Being able to budget in the cost of tuition, course related books, and other costs of college always seems to be an uphill struggle. I have tried to put money aside for tuition costs, but the needs of my family and unexpected cost expenditures would deplete these funds in short order. Three years ago, for example, I had planned to enroll at Front Range Community College. I had even taken my placement assessment and talked with an advisor about what classes to take. I was ready to enroll in Calculus 1, ENG 090, Computer Science, and Accounting. Then two months before the start of the semester, my wife was diagnosed with a tumor. Fortunately, it was not cancer, but she still needed an operation, and since my company had dropped our health insurance, the operation was not covered. My wife and I found ourselves with a $25,000 bill! I was forced to put college off, as we used every available dollar to pay off the debt.

Time always seemed to be in short supply, and for years I commented that I just didn’t have the time to invest in schoolwork. Working a full time job that often required large amounts of overtime and raising two young children left little time in a day for study and course work. What I was really missed was the discipline to adequately manage my time throughout the day. My wife was the sensible one and helped me map out a plan that would allocate two hours a night for course study without the loss of family time and a good night’s sleep. With her help, I was able to enroll part-time and am taking two classes a semester. Two classes a semester is doable where a full load of five classes can be overwhelming. It may take longer, but I can achieve my goals.

As I read through the course catalogs, the sheer number of course codes and degree requirements were bewildering to me and finding out the steps needed for enrollment seemed to be a daunting challenge. Truly, I could not have been more mistaken. Advisors were on hand at the campus to help me through the enrollment process, and I found the experience to be quite enjoyable in the end. One of the counselors, Nancy West, has been especially helpful. I met her when I first tried to enroll three years ago. I quickly realized that she understood the needs of returning students. In fact, she has kept up with me as I had to put off college for my wife’s operation, and she was the first person I spoke with when I returned. It was Ms. West who helped me to

realize that I could enroll in two classes a semester instead of four or five so that I could meet my job and family responsibilities while still achieving my academic goals.

There have been road blocks to returning to college, but I have never before felt such a sense of urgency as I do now. I have squandered too much time by not bettering myself through education. I will not allow myself to become a man that regrets where my life could have led. The words of Andrew Carnegie ring true: “People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.” It may take longer than other students, but I plan on completing my degree from Front Range Community College in three years, and three years later I’ll be walking down the aisle of Colorado State University with a degree in

Engineering with the promise of a substantial raise from my company. I’ll be a senior engineer; my father would be proud.

Returning to college http://conted.colorado.edu/career/

Steps in the Writing Process

The advice we gave in the chapter on the Paragraph bears repeating for the Essay: Writing is a process; it takes work, lots of work. The best way, and for most people the only way, to write an effective essay is to carefully follow a series of steps, producing multiple drafts that slowly builds quality. In Practice 7, you’ll be writing your

own essay. In doing so, take it one step at a time, like following directions to a distant city or a recipe to make an excellent dinner. Here are the steps in writing an Illustration Essay:

1. Prewriting

2. Drafting

3. Revise for organization(draft 2)

4. Revising for style(draft 3)

5. Editing(draft 4)

Choose a Topic for your essay – what you will be writing about.Develop a Topic Sentence – what you will prove about the Topic).Put together an Informal Outline containing your Thesis Statement and three main Support Points

Following the “Organization of the Essay,” write your first draft.

Review and revise your draft to make sure that the organization of your essay is sound and follows your Informal Outline

Revise your essay for the flow and readability of the sentences – (see Chapter 11 on Style)

Review and revise your essay to make sure you get the grammar and punctuation right (see Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Checklist).

Practice 7. Writing your own Illustration Essay

Graded Essay Assignment: In this assignment, you’ll write a 1-2 page Illustration/Example essay, using one of the topics given below. If you like, you can use the topic you developed in the Progressive Writing Assignments in this Chapter (see pages 123-130).

Remember, your essay must be organized according to the principles of organization covered in this chapter and outlined below.

1. Topics you can choose from for your Illustration Essay (If you like, you can use the Thesis Statement and Informal Outline you completed earlier in the chapter:

Topic + Main Idea = Thesis Statement1. The Internet

2. Teen pregnancy

3. A college degree

4. Stress

5. Exercise

6. A Topic of your choice

2. Complete an Informal Outline to plan your essay. The Informal Outline should have the following parts:

Thesis Statement:

Support Point 1:Support Point 2:Support Point 3:

3. Write an Illustration Essay from 1-2 pages long on the topic you chose that follows your Informal Outline.

A. Organization

(Check when you are certain you have included the following:

Introductory Paragraph____ Introduction to get readers’ interest and set background____ Thesis Statement

3 Support Paragraphs____ Topic sentence for each Support Point in your Informal Outline that

should appear at the beginning of each Support Paragraph____ General Support Sentences____ Specific Support Sentences – Examples with details;

Conclusion Paragraph____ Conclusion that restates the main idea, and____ Takes the reader one step further.

4. Place the Informal Outline and Organization Checklist directly above your essay. (You will receive 3 points added to your grade for completing the Informal Outline and the Organization Checklist and lose 5 points if the Informal Outline is missing.)

5. Make sure to include the heading with your name, date, course information, and assignment in the upper left corner of the essay!

Here’s how to format your essays: At the opening of your essay, single space your name, the course, date and something that identifies which assignment it is (Illustration Essay for example) in the upper left hand corner. You will need a title. Capitalize the first letter in each word of your title (except for a, the, at, of, in, and to unless one of these words begins the title). Center the title in bold type above the essay. Also, make sure to double-space the text of the essay (Use ctrl-A, then ctrl-2). Also, make sure your essay is in 12 point type with 1 inch margins.

6. Use the “Steps to Writing an Essay” (Click Here) for producing multiple drafts each until you reach a quality product.

7. Complete the following Grammar Checklist, by checking carefully for each type of error in your essay. Correct the errors and place an “X” by each type of error you checked for. Attach the Grammar Checklist in a separate file with your essay.

Grammar Checklist

1. ____  Spelling (Use the spell check on your computer)  ____  Spelled as one word instead of two!

Anyone AnythingSomeone EverybodyAnybody WheneverSomebody Cannot

2. Fragments  _____  Make sure you have a subject and a verb in all your sentences; otherwise

the word group is a fragment. Here are some examples:

Fragment: Getting to class on time.Sentence: Getting to class on time has been a problem for me.

Fragment: When I knew he was there.Sentence: When I knew he was there, I dropped off the contract.

Fragment: Such as the games that are on-line. Sentence: There are many video games that I play, such as the games that are

on-line.

Fragment: When she arrived at class after the bus had dropped her off. Sentence:  She arrived at class after the bus had dropped her off. 

3. Run-ons

_____  Run-ons are caused by combining two full sentences, each with a subject and verb and no conjunction, into one sentence using a comma or no punctuation. You can correct a run-on by:

Run-on: She arrived at class the bus had dropped her off.Sentence: She arrived at class after the bus had dropped her off. Run-on: You know the answer, it’s on the board.Sentence: You know the answer because it’s on the board.

4. Comma Errors _____  Commas with Coordinate Conjunctions – Notice the need for a

comma in compound sentences with a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or), where there are two equal ideas (see page … in the text).

Examples:I walked to class, and I carried my books.I walked to class and carried my books.Notice that you do have a comma when there is a second subject but do not have a comma when the second subject is left out.

 _____  Commas with Subordinate Conjunctions – Use commas after

subordinate clauses that introduce sentences. A subordinate clause is less important than the main sentence and is signaled with a key word.

Examples: When I got to class, the fire alarm rang. After I got to class, the fire alarm rang.                                 The fire alarm rang after I got to class. I like apples because they are sweet.

Notice that you need a comma when the subordinate clause starts the sentence but do not use a comma when the Subordinate Clause does not start the sentence.

 _____ Commas in Opening Phrases and Introductory Phrases – Use a

comma after opening phrases.

Example: “In fact, I did it my way.”

“In early morning light, I saw the battle.”“I saw the battle in the early morning light.” (Notice there is no comma because the prepositional phrase comes at the end of the sentence.)

 _____  Commas in Series – Put a comma after each item in a series including

the last item before the conjunction.

Example: “I like apples, oranges, and bananas.”“She read the chapter on Monday, visited the Writing Center on Tuesday, and took the exam on Wednesday.” 

 _____  Commas with Which but not That – It is almost always true that

“which” takes a comma, and “that” does not.

Example: “I am taking the umbrella, which is in the closet.”“I am taking the umbrella that is in the closet.”

 _____  No Comma after a Subordinate Conjunction – You never have a

Comma after a Subordinate Conjunction.

Never like this: “Although, it was raining, we played the soccer match to the end.” Always like this: “Although it was raining, we played the soccer match to the end.”

 

5. Correct Wording  _____  Its/It’s This is an exception to the possessive rule. “Its” is the possessive

as in “The cat cleaned its fur.” “It’s” is the contraction meaning “It is,” as in, “It’s time to go.”

 _____  Then/Than These two words are tricky. “Then” is used to show a

change in time. For example: “First, I washed my clothes; then I did my assignment.” “Then” is also used with cause-effect sentences. For example: “If you want to leave on time, then you better start packing.” “Than” is used for comparisons. For example: “I like your choice better than mine.”

 _____  There/Their/They’re These words are pronounced the same but have

different meanings. Here’s what they mean:

1. “There” is a direction like: “over there.”2. “Their” shows possession like: “their car.”3. “They’re” is a contraction meaning: “They are.”

_____  To/Too/Two These words are pronounced the same but have different

meanings. Here’s what they mean:

You have “to” as in “to the store”; “too” as in “too many assignments”; and “two” as in “two pencils.” Make sure to use the right form in your essay!

 _____  In formal writing, avoid using “and” or “but” to start a sentence. Usually

you can just take the “and” or “but” out, and it will fix the problem, or you can combine the word group that begins with “and” or “but” with the sentence that comes before.

Incorrect: I walked to class. And I took the quiz.Correct: I walked to class, and I took the quiz.

_____  Slang – In a formal paper, try to avoid using slang words like “Got,” “Lot of,” “thing,” “stuff,” or “bunch.” See if you can find another word to do the job.

 _____  I believe/I think/in my opinion/Next I’ll talk about – In a formal

paper, avoid writing “I believe,” “I think,” “in my opinion,” and so on. Readers will assume that you would not write it if you didn’t believe it, so it’s unnecessary to write, “I believe.”

Extra Wording: I believe 16 year olds should have the right to vote.Revised: Sixteen year olds should have the right to vote.

_____ The words “very,” “a little,” “a lot,” “kind of,” “sort of,” and “you know,” “that,” and “In this essay, I’m going to write about, “at the present time,” due to the fact that,” “in the event that,” “The point I am trying to make is that,” “What I mean to say is that,” “In the final

analysis”…” are most often unnecessary and don’t add anything to your writing. Just take them out.

_____  Numbers – In a formal paper, write out your numbers unless they are triple digits (10 or greater), or a paper where you are presenting data.

Incorrect: There were 8 stores in the city.Correct: There were eight stores in the city.

_____   Second Person “you” – In a formal paper, try to avoid the second person “you” unless you’re giving instructions or directions. Stick to the third person (“it” “he” “she” “they”) and so on. Or in personal essays, use the first person “I.”

Process Essays are the exception where you are explaining how to do something (like how to change the car’s oil, or how to write an essay!)