CHAPTER 34 CHAPTER 34 DIVORCEDIVORCE

Mr. Kondrk Law and Mr. Kondrk Law and SocietySociety

DIVORCE TRENDS: DIVORCE TRENDS:

DIVORCE TRENDSDIVORCE TRENDS

►AMERICANS LIKE MARRIAGE:AMERICANS LIKE MARRIAGE: One One of highest marriage rates in of highest marriage rates in industrialized world.industrialized world.

►AMERICANS DON’T LIKE AMERICANS DON’T LIKE MARRIAGE:MARRIAGE: One of the highest One of the highest divorce rates in world.divorce rates in world.

►AMERICANS LIKE MARRIAGE:AMERICANS LIKE MARRIAGE: One One of the highest remarriage rates in the of the highest remarriage rates in the world (1/3 remarry within a year).world (1/3 remarry within a year).

50% OF ALL MARRIAGES ARE 50% OF ALL MARRIAGES ARE LIKELY TO END IN DIVORCELIKELY TO END IN DIVORCE

► By 1974 more marriages ended in divorce By 1974 more marriages ended in divorce than by death.than by death.

THE RISING PROPORTION OF THE RISING PROPORTION OF MARRIAGES THAT WILL END IN MARRIAGES THAT WILL END IN

DIVORCEDIVORCE

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE?WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE?

Discuss:Discuss:1. When people get married today they don’t need to make a 1. When people get married today they don’t need to make a commitment because it is so easy to get a divorce.commitment because it is so easy to get a divorce.2. Social scientists are increasingly viewing divorce as one 2. Social scientists are increasingly viewing divorce as one path in the “normal” family life cycle.path in the “normal” family life cycle.3. Is falling out of love an appropriate reason for wanting a 3. Is falling out of love an appropriate reason for wanting a divorce? What is?divorce? What is?4. Is divorce the problem or is it a solution to other problems?4. Is divorce the problem or is it a solution to other problems?5. Death is easier for children to accept than divorce. 5. Death is easier for children to accept than divorce.

HOW CAN WE PREVENT HOW CAN WE PREVENT DIVORCE?DIVORCE?

►Make getting out of marriage more difficult? Make getting out of marriage more difficult? It used to be hard for a reason.It used to be hard for a reason.

► Encourage women to stay home with Encourage women to stay home with children so they can’t afford to get out? children so they can’t afford to get out? ( Large contributor to likelihood of divorce.)( Large contributor to likelihood of divorce.)

► Encourage family self sacrifice and less self-Encourage family self sacrifice and less self-fulfillment?fulfillment?

► Impose more religious constraints?Impose more religious constraints?► Should we re-stigmatize divorce?Should we re-stigmatize divorce?

Case StudiesCase StudiesWhy do people divorce?Why do people divorce?List on board and discuss case studies in groups.List on board and discuss case studies in groups.

► CASE #1: Ned worked full-time as a teacher. In order CASE #1: Ned worked full-time as a teacher. In order to make ends meet, he also “moonlighted” four nights to make ends meet, he also “moonlighted” four nights a week as a chef in a local restaurant. It seemed that a week as a chef in a local restaurant. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried to earn enough money, no matter how hard he tried to earn enough money, there was always something more the family needed. there was always something more the family needed. His wife, Ruth, did not work outside the home, and His wife, Ruth, did not work outside the home, and occupied her time caring for their three children. Ruth occupied her time caring for their three children. Ruth felt resentful that Ned did not seem to be able to get felt resentful that Ned did not seem to be able to get all the yard work done and never sat down to read to all the yard work done and never sat down to read to the children at night. She complained constantly that the children at night. She complained constantly that his work did not pay enough, and told her husband his work did not pay enough, and told her husband that she wished he had gone into a different line of that she wished he had gone into a different line of work that paid more. Ned felt unappreciated and work that paid more. Ned felt unappreciated and found himself not wanting to come home right after found himself not wanting to come home right after work. He would rather visit with friends who work. He would rather visit with friends who understood him or go fishing.understood him or go fishing.

Case #2Case #2

Susan had five children under the age of eight. Three Susan had five children under the age of eight. Three were still preschoolers. Her days consisted of doing were still preschoolers. Her days consisted of doing laundry, cleaning, picking up toys and clothes, taking laundry, cleaning, picking up toys and clothes, taking the children to medical appointments, and cooking the children to medical appointments, and cooking meals. She was exhausted at the end of the day, and meals. She was exhausted at the end of the day, and felt angry when her husband had plans after work and felt angry when her husband had plans after work and on the weekends with his buddies. She tried not to on the weekends with his buddies. She tried not to complain but found herself wondering why all the child complain but found herself wondering why all the child care was left up to her. Wasn’t he their father too? She care was left up to her. Wasn’t he their father too? She was so tired that she went to bed about 10:00 each was so tired that she went to bed about 10:00 each night. He husband did not like the fact that she was too night. He husband did not like the fact that she was too tired to spend the evening with him. He felt she should tired to spend the evening with him. He felt she should be anxious to talk and relax with him. It seemed that be anxious to talk and relax with him. It seemed that other wives were more responsive and that he deserved other wives were more responsive and that he deserved better from his wife.better from his wife.

Case #3Case #3

Chris was thirty-four and had a career as a banker. His Chris was thirty-four and had a career as a banker. His wife, Jill, was thirty-six and worked full-time as a wife, Jill, was thirty-six and worked full-time as a newspaper editor. They both had good incomes and newspaper editor. They both had good incomes and earned enough money to travel and buy the things they earned enough money to travel and buy the things they wanted. Now that Chris was secure in his position at work, wanted. Now that Chris was secure in his position at work, he wanted to direct his attention to having a family. He he wanted to direct his attention to having a family. He and Jill had decided when they married that they wanted and Jill had decided when they married that they wanted three children and now seemed the best time for them to three children and now seemed the best time for them to support children. However, Jill was having second support children. However, Jill was having second thoughts about having children. Her work demanded her thoughts about having children. Her work demanded her full attention and on weekends she liked to entertain full attention and on weekends she liked to entertain guests and go sailing. The more she thought about guests and go sailing. The more she thought about children, the more she felt that they would hamper her children, the more she felt that they would hamper her free time and ability to do what she wanted. She tried to free time and ability to do what she wanted. She tried to explain her thoughts to Chris but it always ended in an explain her thoughts to Chris but it always ended in an argument. He thought he should have married someone argument. He thought he should have married someone else who would give him children. He wanted a divorce.else who would give him children. He wanted a divorce.

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?

► Impotency at time of marriageImpotency at time of marriage► Adultery committed after the marriageAdultery committed after the marriage► Desertion of a spouse for more than one yearDesertion of a spouse for more than one year► Failure to provide the common necessities of lifeFailure to provide the common necessities of life► Habitual drunkennessHabitual drunkenness► Conviction of a felonyConviction of a felony► Mental or physical cruelty that causes bodily injury Mental or physical cruelty that causes bodily injury

or great mental distress.or great mental distress.► Being legally separated by a court degree for more Being legally separated by a court degree for more

than three years in a row.than three years in a row.► Permanent or incurable insanity, established by Permanent or incurable insanity, established by

competent medical testimony.competent medical testimony.

DEMOGRAPHIC FACTORS DEMOGRAPHIC FACTORS AFFECTING DIVORCE:AFFECTING DIVORCE:

► High or low income? LowHigh or low income? Low► Woman has the higher or lower income? Woman has the higher or lower income?

HigherHigher► High or low education? LowHigh or low education? Low► More or less religion? LessMore or less religion? Less► Religion? (Jewish, Catholic, Protestant) Religion? (Jewish, Catholic, Protestant)

ProtestantProtestant► Race? (white, African American or Race? (white, African American or

hispanic) African Americanhispanic) African American► Younger or older at time of marriage? Younger or older at time of marriage?

YoungerYounger► 1st or 2nd marriage? second1st or 2nd marriage? second► Parents married or divorced? DivorcedParents married or divorced? Divorced

WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO DIVORCE?DIVORCE?

FACTORS AFFECTING DIVORCE:FACTORS AFFECTING DIVORCE:

►The shift from agriculture to The shift from agriculture to industrialization undermined many of industrialization undermined many of the families traditional functions.the families traditional functions.

►Social integration – the degree of Social integration – the degree of interaction between individuals.interaction between individuals.

►America emphasizes individualism and America emphasizes individualism and this can take priority over family.this can take priority over family.

ASPECTS OF LIFEASPECTS OF LIFEAFFECTING DIVORCE:AFFECTING DIVORCE:

►Adolescent marriages = twice the Adolescent marriages = twice the likelihood of divorcelikelihood of divorce

►Premarital pregnancy does not Premarital pregnancy does not significantly increase likelihood of significantly increase likelihood of divorce.divorce.

►But it increases if she;But it increases if she; is an adolescent.is an adolescent. drops out of high school.drops out of high school. faces economic problems.faces economic problems.

PEOPLE WHO MARRY YOUNG ARE PEOPLE WHO MARRY YOUNG ARE MORE LIKELY TO DIVORCEMORE LIKELY TO DIVORCE

THE ACTUAL DAY-TO-DAY FAMILY THE ACTUAL DAY-TO-DAY FAMILY PROCESSES MAY BE THE MOST PROCESSES MAY BE THE MOST

IMPORTANT FACTORIMPORTANT FACTOR

In descending order:In descending order:►Personality problemsPersonality problems►Home lifeHome life►AuthoritarianismAuthoritarianism►Differing valuesDiffering values

Majority of divorce is caused by idealization of marriage.

Must realize marriage is like LIFE – it is a lifelong commitment involving considerable sacrifice. It is

hard and has many problems.

PUBLIC OPINION FAVORS PUBLIC OPINION FAVORS ENDING UNHAPPY MARRIAGES ENDING UNHAPPY MARRIAGES

ATTITUDES ABOUT DIVORCEATTITUDES ABOUT DIVORCE

► Staying married for the sake of the Staying married for the sake of the children children

► Impact of divorce on childrenImpact of divorce on children► Single parentingSingle parenting► Children living between two householdsChildren living between two households► Child supportChild support► AlimonyAlimony► RemarriageRemarriage► Being a stepmother/stepfatherBeing a stepmother/stepfather

Positive/negative feelings. What were you taught growing Positive/negative feelings. What were you taught growing up about the acceptability of divorce? How did this up about the acceptability of divorce? How did this influence your perceptions of appropriate reasons to influence your perceptions of appropriate reasons to divorce? Draw an imaginary line across the room with one divorce? Draw an imaginary line across the room with one side being positive feelings and the other being negative. side being positive feelings and the other being negative. Stand on the line according to how you feel about these Stand on the line according to how you feel about these issues:issues:

COVENANT MARRIAGE COVENANT MARRIAGE

► Requires pre-marital counseling.Requires pre-marital counseling.► Couples agree to pledge, renew, deepen vows Couples agree to pledge, renew, deepen vows

and improve marriage.and improve marriage.► Couples agree not to leave marriage before Couples agree not to leave marriage before

counseling unless there is infidelity, abuse counseling unless there is infidelity, abuse desertion, addictions, abandonment or criminal desertion, addictions, abandonment or criminal activity.activity.

► Couples agree to seek counseling and have a Couples agree to seek counseling and have a waiting period prior to divorce.waiting period prior to divorce.

► Couples need to disclose before the marriage Couples need to disclose before the marriage anything in their past that could ruin the union.anything in their past that could ruin the union.

DIVORCE PROCESS: DIVORCE PROCESS:

Do you see a judge?Do you see a judge?Do you go to trial?Do you go to trial?

► Attorneys never work to reconcile a divorcing Attorneys never work to reconcile a divorcing couple – catalyst for adversarycouple – catalyst for adversary

► 90% NO CONTEST No Fault Divorce 90% NO CONTEST No Fault Divorce (irreconcilable differences, neither party (irreconcilable differences, neither party responsible)responsible)

► Cost? Cost?

Not a single event but a complex process

DIVORCE PROCESS (continued) DIVORCE PROCESS (continued)

1.1. Emotional Divorce: one spouse Emotional Divorce: one spouse disengagesdisengages

2.2. Legal Divorce: court orderedLegal Divorce: court ordered3.3. Economic Divorce: property settlementEconomic Divorce: property settlement4.4. Co-parental Divorce: Marriage ends but Co-parental Divorce: Marriage ends but

parenting does notparenting does not5. 5. Community Divorce: In-law become ex-Community Divorce: In-law become ex-

laws, friends take sideslaws, friends take sides6. 6. Psychic Divorce (Most Difficult): Former Psychic Divorce (Most Difficult): Former

spouse becomes irrelevant to youspouse becomes irrelevant to you

Why do 1 out of 2 women live below the poverty level? Why do 1 out of 2 women live below the poverty level?

MARITAL SEPARATION MARITAL SEPARATION

1. 1. SEPARATION DISTRESS:SEPARATION DISTRESS: Situational anxiety Situational anxiety caused by separation from an attachment figure.caused by separation from an attachment figure.

► 2nd only to death of a spouse2nd only to death of a spouse► All attentions are centered on spouse with All attentions are centered on spouse with

feelings of anxiety & fearfeelings of anxiety & fear► Sometimes immediate effect of separation is Sometimes immediate effect of separation is

euphoria, but usually slips into separation euphoria, but usually slips into separation anxietyanxiety

► Slowly gives way to lonelinessSlowly gives way to loneliness

= A more crucial event than the divorce

MARITAL SEPARATION MARITAL SEPARATION (continued)(continued)

2. 2. UNCOUPLING:UNCOUPLING: a quiet detachment of a quiet detachment of one of the spousesone of the spouses

When does the last stage of uncoupling really happen? At the When does the last stage of uncoupling really happen? At the announcement, the physical separation, or knowing the announcement, the physical separation, or knowing the relationship cannot be saved? relationship cannot be saved?

3. NEW SELF: Post-divorce identity has two stage: The transition period with separation distress and loneliness and the recovery period with stable life and less emotional.

DATING AGAIN:DATING AGAIN:

►Statement to communityStatement to community►Opportunity for building self esteemOpportunity for building self esteem►Initiates into single subcultureInitiates into single subculture►No relevance between dating and No relevance between dating and

happiness as a singlehappiness as a single

DATING IS DIFFERENT FROM DATING IS DIFFERENT FROM PREMARITAL DATING PREMARITAL DATING

►Is not leisurelyIs not leisurely►Less spontaneousLess spontaneous►Finances may be Finances may be

strainedstrained►Sexual ethic may changeSexual ethic may change

CONSEQUENCES OF DIVORCECONSEQUENCES OF DIVORCE

Most divorces are Most divorces are uncontested and uncontested and settled out of settled out of courtcourt

NO FAULT DIVORCE NO FAULT DIVORCE

►All 50 states have adopted “No Fault All 50 states have adopted “No Fault Divorce”Divorce”

►No one is guiltyNo one is guilty►No adversary processNo adversary process►Settlements are based on equity and Settlements are based on equity and

needneed►Promotes gender equalityPromotes gender equality

Who might be at a disadvantage due to “No Fault Divorce”? Who might be at a disadvantage due to “No Fault Divorce”?

RESULTS OF NO FAULT RESULTS OF NO FAULT DIVORCE:DIVORCE:

►Divorcing women are impoverishedDivorcing women are impoverished►27% decline in income for women 27% decline in income for women ►10% decline for men (1/2 the income 10% decline for men (1/2 the income

to live on)to live on)

What are some causes of women being on What are some causes of women being on the verge of financial disaster at the time of the verge of financial disaster at the time of divorce? Why does the man’s financial divorce? Why does the man’s financial status improve? status improve?

ALIMONY ALIMONY

► Alimony in only 15% Alimony in only 15% of divorcesof divorces

► Investment Investment Doctrine: Medical Doctrine: Medical education support education support entitled to future entitled to future income and income and retirementretirement

Trump to Avana = $60,000/month

CHILD SUPPORT CHILD SUPPORT

►60% of divorces involve 60% of divorces involve children.children.

►90% of moms get custody. 90% of moms get custody. Why?Why?

►Children rarely see divorceChildren rarely see divorce

as the opportunity parent as the opportunity parent

may see it but if abuse may see it but if abuse

stops it is a relief.stops it is a relief.

3 STAGES OF DIVORCE FOR 3 STAGES OF DIVORCE FOR CHILDREN: CHILDREN:

1.1. THE INITIAL STAGE = high stress, THE INITIAL STAGE = high stress, escalated conflict, unhappinessescalated conflict, unhappiness

2.2. THE TRANSITIONAL STAGE = economic THE TRANSITIONAL STAGE = economic and social restructuring of the familyand social restructuring of the family

3.3. RE-STABILIZATION STAGE = RE-STABILIZATION STAGE = establishment of post divorce familyestablishment of post divorce family

6 DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS 6 DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS CHILDREN NEED TO UNDERTAKE CHILDREN NEED TO UNDERTAKE

WHEN PARENTS DIVORCEWHEN PARENTS DIVORCE

1.1. Acknowledging parental separationAcknowledging parental separation

2.2. Disengaging from parental conflictsDisengaging from parental conflicts

3.3. Resolution of the loss of the familiar Resolution of the loss of the familiar parental relationship & everyday parental relationship & everyday routinesroutines

4.4. Resolution of anger and self blameResolution of anger and self blame

5.5. Accepting the finality of divorceAccepting the finality of divorce

6.6. Achieving realistic expectations for Achieving realistic expectations for later relationship success later relationship success

CHILDREN AND DIVORCECHILDREN AND DIVORCE

► Who deals better? Young or older children? Boys or Who deals better? Young or older children? Boys or girls?girls?

► Do they feel guilt, anger, blame? How about teens?Do they feel guilt, anger, blame? How about teens?► How to tell and how to answer questions? How to tell and how to answer questions? ► What are some things that are important for the What are some things that are important for the

children to know about the divorce?children to know about the divorce?► What are some things that the children should not What are some things that the children should not

know about the divorce?know about the divorce?► How to help them adjust? Communicate, continued How to help them adjust? Communicate, continued

involvement, lack of hostility and stable living involvement, lack of hostility and stable living conditions.conditions.

Discuss in groupsDiscuss in groups

IMPACT OF DIVORCES ON IMPACT OF DIVORCES ON CHILDREN CHILDREN

Divorce will not have the same effect on all Divorce will not have the same effect on all children but generally what effect does children but generally what effect does divorce have on:divorce have on:

► Self concept?Self concept?► School performance?School performance?► Peer relationshipsPeer relationships►Dating and marriage?Dating and marriage?

EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON AGE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON AGE OF CHILDOF CHILD

► PRESCHOOLERS:PRESCHOOLERS: Fear of abandonment, Fear of abandonment, sleep disturbancessleep disturbances

► YOUNG CHILDHOOD:YOUNG CHILDHOOD: Fear of being Fear of being displaced and grief, school difficulties, fear displaced and grief, school difficulties, fear for well-being of absent parentfor well-being of absent parent

►OLDER CHILDREN:OLDER CHILDREN: Acting out, fight with Acting out, fight with parent, spying for other parentparent, spying for other parent

►ADOLESCENCE:ADOLESCENCE: Fear of own relationship Fear of own relationship failure, independence, promiscuous-type failure, independence, promiscuous-type behavior could increasebehavior could increase

Taken for “Children and Divorce by Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein

CHILD CUSTODYCHILD CUSTODY

► SOLESOLE: Child lives with one parent who has : Child lives with one parent who has sole responsibility for physically raising child sole responsibility for physically raising child and making all decisions.and making all decisions.

► JOINT LEGALJOINT LEGAL: Child lives primarily with one : Child lives primarily with one parent but both share in decisions.parent but both share in decisions.

► JOINT PHYSICALJOINT PHYSICAL: Child lives with both : Child lives with both parents, splitting time equally.parents, splitting time equally.

► SPLIT CUSTODYSPLIT CUSTODY: Splits the children of a : Splits the children of a couple between parents, girls to mother, couple between parents, girls to mother, boys to father usually.boys to father usually.

► JOINTJOINT: Parents share legal rights and : Parents share legal rights and responsibilities (10% of cases).responsibilities (10% of cases).

NONCUSTODIAL PARENTS: NONCUSTODIAL PARENTS:

► Often have Often have disruption or disruption or disappearance of disappearance of parenting role during parenting role during divorce.divorce.

► Children tend to Children tend to have little contact have little contact with the nonresident with the nonresident parent which parent which weakens the bonds weakens the bonds of affection.of affection.

CUSTODIAL DISPUTES AND CUSTODIAL DISPUTES AND CHILD STEALING CHILD STEALING

► As many as 1/3 of all As many as 1/3 of all post-divorce legal post-divorce legal cases involve cases involve children.children.

► About 350,000 About 350,000 children are children are abducted each year abducted each year by family members by family members in child custody in child custody disputes.disputes.

DIVORCE MEDIATION: DIVORCE MEDIATION:

Mediator attempts to assist divorcing couples in Mediator attempts to assist divorcing couples in resolving personal, legal and parenting issues resolving personal, legal and parenting issues in a cooperative manner.in a cooperative manner.

►Mediators are generally professionals with Mediators are generally professionals with family therapy backgrounds.family therapy backgrounds.

► Encourage shared custody.Encourage shared custody.► Encourage development of communication Encourage development of communication

skills.skills.► It is not a panacea for difficult divorces.It is not a panacea for difficult divorces.►Husbands who feel good about it are more Husbands who feel good about it are more

willing to pay child support.willing to pay child support.

VOCABULARYVOCABULARY► 1. Alimony: Court ordered monetary 1. Alimony: Court ordered monetary

support to a spouse or former spouse support to a spouse or former spouse following separation or divorce.following separation or divorce.

► 2. Covenant Marriage: A new anti-divorce 2. Covenant Marriage: A new anti-divorce reform of legal marriage in which couples reform of legal marriage in which couples acknowledge the life-long nature of their acknowledge the life-long nature of their marital commitment. It includes pre-marital marital commitment. It includes pre-marital counseling, and marital counseling if needed counseling, and marital counseling if needed & only divorce under extreme hardships via a & only divorce under extreme hardships via a fault-based divorce.fault-based divorce.

► 3. Divorce Mediation: The process in which 3. Divorce Mediation: The process in which a mediator assists a divorcing couple in a mediator assists a divorcing couple in resolving personal, legal, and parenting resolving personal, legal, and parenting concerns in a cooperative manner.concerns in a cooperative manner.

VOCABULARY cont’dVOCABULARY cont’d

► 4. Joint Custody: Custody arrangement in which 4. Joint Custody: Custody arrangement in which both parents are responsible for the care of the both parents are responsible for the care of the child.child.

► 5. Joint Legal Custody: Child lives primarily with 5. Joint Legal Custody: Child lives primarily with one parent but both parents jointly share in one parent but both parents jointly share in important decisions regarding the child’s important decisions regarding the child’s education, religious training, and general education, religious training, and general upbringing.upbringing.

► 6. Joint Physical Custody: Child lives with both 6. Joint Physical Custody: Child lives with both parents in separate households and spends parents in separate households and spends more or less equal time with each parent.more or less equal time with each parent.