Chapter 12: Practical Steps in RevisionCopyright © 2014

Visiting the Writing Tutor—Some Practical Lessons in Revision.

You might conclude after reading chapter 11A that revising your essays for style is difficult, and when viewed from thirty thousand feet, you would be right. For example, when a professor tells you that the way to good writing is “to find your own voice,” that can be a little frustrating. It sounds good, but how do you make it happen? There is a way. You can learn to revise your essays for style, by taking small, practical steps.

Imagine you’ve signed up for a series of tutoring sessions in the Writing Lab. At each tutoring session, you’ll receive specific instructions on one manageable chunk of revising essays for style. After each session, you’ll be able to practice what you learned. With some work on your part, I’m betting you’ll become quite good at it, and the quality of your essays and your grades will improve accordingly.

Let’s start with the tendency we have to write like we talk with our friends. You would never talk with your professors the same way you talk with friends, and your writing should have the same quality.

Be sure to ask if you have any questions!

The Writing Tutor Session 1: Informal wording.

Lesson 1: Slang

http://images.publicradio.org/content/2009/10/21/20091021_tutoring_33.jpg

Student: “Is it okay to write the same way I talk with friends?”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: Let’s face it. We’re an email-instant message-Facebook-Snapchat-Twitter culture, which is not all bad as it lets us communicate with others anywhere, anytime, anyplace. We can message our sister in the next room, our friends down the block or across town, or folks from around the country or the world.

However, there’s a downside: when talking with friends, we use lots of incomplete sentences, little or no punctuation, and *slang (informal words and phrases – more common in speech than writing). You can look at slang as a kind of jargon, that is, words and phrases that fit a particular profession or group. Jargon cuts both ways: It’s a problem when you’re trying to understand a professor whose lectures are filled with professional **jargon, but it’s also a problem when your professor is trying to read your essays if they evidence the jargon you use with friends.

* Words can have informal and formal meanings. For example, words like “neat” and “cool” have a formal meaning of “tidy” and “chilly,” and an informal meaning of “interesting” and “popular.” Informal wording is called slang. Slang works well for friends, but not in college essays.

** Here’s how E.B. White, the greatest stylist of the twentieth century, summed up academic writing: “[Academics] often appear to be dedicated to the task of making complex what is simple and making obscure what is obvious.”

When revising for style, pay attention to the informal wording, jargon, and slang that slip unaware into your writing. Consider a student essay titled, “The Advantages of Going to College.” The essay has two drafts. The first has informal wording, jargon, and slang, and in the second draft the student has made appropriate revisions (see blue type).

Advantages of Going to College First Draft Revised DraftDoes working at your local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important for you to take a look at college before going out on your own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages college gives you. Going to college can give you more job options, more all-around

Does working at a local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important to take a look at college before going out on one’s own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages of going to college. Going to college can give more

knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where you take it.

College can give you so many job options; the possibilities are endless! When people go to

job options, more all-around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where it is taken. A person will be organized and ready.

College can give many job options; the possibilities are endless! When people go to

college, they can go to learn about stuff they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make them a shoe-in for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction gig. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

No matter where they are looking to get a job, having a degree on their resume means a lot. If a person is hired and has little experience in the industry, or little education after high school, there are not many

college, they can go to learn about subjects they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make them more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

No matter where they are looking to get a job, having a degree on their resume is important. If a person is hired and has

possibilities that they have to be an awesome employee in the company. Companies want someone who has after high school knowledge in the bag, who can keep his cool in different situations, and that can be molded into the next manager, and showing the ability to go to college opens many possibilities. I was psyched to go to a car college, and my experience was two years of automotive training at a Career Development Center. This neat experience would have helped me into the college which in turn would open more cool stuff.

There are a ton of ways that College can help take care of business, so it is super important to take a look at the up side. I know that college will take my success to the next level and will also help me get a higher paying gig. Who knows, it may even help me to have a go at helping others to get better jobs.

little experience in the industry, or little education after high school, there are not many possibilities that they have to be a successful employee in the company. Companies want someone who has after high school knowledge, who can remain calm in different situations, and that can be molded into the next manager, and showing the ability to go to college opens many possibilities. I was going to go to a technical college, and my experience was two years of automotive training at a Career Development Center. This experience would have helped me into the college which in turn would open more possibilities.

There are many ways that College can help with a person’s future, so it is important to take a look at the advantages. I know that college will take my success to the next level and will also help me get a higher paying job. Who knows, it may even help me help

others to get better jobs.

The more you communicate informally, especially text messaging and hanging with friends, the harder it is to realize when you’re using slang in your writing. The good news is with practice you’ll get better at recognizing slang.

The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 2.1 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the online “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. There was an awesome study on twins separated at birth.

Your revision:

2. He was blown away by my grades.

Your revision:

3. The graduation party was at a glitzy hotel in downtown Denver.

Your revision:

4. The job is really cool.

Your revision:

5. I hear that it's a down and dirty movie.

Your revision:

6. This class is a drag.

Your revision:

7. He is too flaky to do the work.

Your revision:

8. He flipped out when he heard the news.

Your revision:

Practice 2.2 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the online “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. Lots of students smoke grass/weed/dope in college.

Your revision:

2. The top way is to tax marijuana like crazy and use the money from the tax to fix our public schools.

Your revision:

3. The results of drinking too much are gross.

Your revision:

4. He only hangs out with his friends.

Your revision:

5. Your proposal was a hit with the boss.

Your revision:

6. Don't get hyper about what she told you. You know it isn't true.

Your revision:

7. They had a wicked discussion.

Your revision:

8. I am glad you got yourself out of that jam.

Your revision:

Practice 2.3 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the online “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary Link: http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. I have a ton of work to do.

Your revision:

2. I’m really psyched up to take the exam.

Your revision:

3. After the game, they split.

Your revision:

4. He is really stressed out during final’s week.

Your revision:

5. There is a lot of stuff you need to know.

Your revision:

6. People need to chill when they don’t get their way.

Your revision:

7. I really got into playing guitar in high school.

Your revision:

Practice 2.4 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the online “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary Link: http://www.manythings.org/slang/

Video Games

I first got into playing video games in middle school, but they offer

a lot more stuff than just having a blast. Playing video games is an

awesome way to set up your life for the future. There are

different cool things that video games can help you do. One of the

ways is by helping u get a career. In the military they use different

types of drones. To control the drones, they use the latest

controllers that are so good they will blow you away. The most

common one is the Xbox 360 controller. It is the most common

because it is boss and a snap to use.

Another reason that video games rock is because they can help

with your hand eye coordination. This has been proven with

doctors. They put two docs in different rooms with the same

surgery to perform, and the one that played video games did a ton

better job with the surgery than the other one. That’s because

video games helped him with his hands.

The third reason that video games are rad is because they are a

primo stress reliever. They help with stress by preventing the

person from thinking about what is maxing them out. The games

make them focus on what they are doing in the game. I was

totally stressed out from work and from pulling an all-nighter

cramming for a test, and when I came home I turned on a video

game and started playing. After a while, I spaced what I was bent

out of shape about and was able to get back to work and after

even caught some Z’s.

So the next time you see someone playing a video game ask if u

can give the game a go. You might be surprised at what a blast

you’ll have.

The Writing Tutor Session 1: Informal wording.

Lesson 2: Contractions

Student: I once had a teacher who told us never to use contractions in our essays. Do I need to ban all contractions, even the nice ones?

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: That’s a good point! First, let’s review:

Contractions make use of an apostrophe to combine two words into one. Contractions are not a recent invention. The little floating comma first made an appearance in English about 400 years ago—about the time contractions were invented.

Here are some common contractions:

I am = I'myou are = you're

she is = she's it is = it's

do not = don't

she would = she'd

he would have = he would've

let us = let's who is = who'sshe will = she'll

they had = they'd

Guide to Grammar & Writing http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/apostrophe.htm

Just like today, contractions were invented to save time. They were especially important before there were computers and even typewriters, when you had to dip a feather pen into an inkwell to form letters and words on a page.

Writing with a Feather or Quill Pen and Ink Well.

(Click Here) for YouTube video of using a feather pen and ink well.

Now back to your question. You asked is it okay to use contractions in school essays? The short answer is that contractions are informal and in many cases should be avoided. Still, there’s nothing wrong with using contractions, especially in informal or personal essays. And if you go to endless lengths to avoid contractions, your essay is likely to sound stilted. As Jodi Foster writes in her Slam Support Blog: "There will be instances when a contraction will sound too informal, but I think there are even more situations when avoidance of contractions makes writing sound stiff.” Completely avoiding contractions makes your writing

robotic. After all, not using contractions is how Data, the Star Trek character, convinces us he’s a robot!

Data of Star Trek Famehttp://mentat-mookie.blogspot.com/2006/11/data.html

(Click Here) for YouTube Video of Data not using contractions in Star Trek:)

Here’s an example of a thesis statement from a formal essay that works well without contractions:

Child abuse can occur in many situations and in many communities. It is a very serious problem today, a problem that is in need of prevention, a problem we cannot ignore.

Mayland Community College http://www.mayland.edu/aca111/CollegePapers.pdf

On the other hand, here’s an example of a sentence from an informal narrative essay (an essay that tells a story to prove a point—see chapter 4) that works well with contractions.

A compact car pulled up to the bungalow across the street. A woman wearing a white nurse's uniform got out. She'd just moved in recently. I'd seen her a couple of times before. She stood looking

across the street, then came over. “The Paranoid Nurse” by Phillip Gerard https://www.creativenonfiction.org/brevity/past%20issues/brev13/gerard_nurse.htm

Notice that the topic in the first sentence is a societal problem (child abuse), and the essay will provide evidence for the main idea of the essay (that child abuse is serious problem in need of our attention). The essay is formal and is supported by research. Therefore, the first essay avoids contractions, setting a formal or academic tone.

The second example is a personal story from the writer’s experience or imagination (the nurse who arrives in a compact car). This essay is informal and does not need research to provide support. In the second essay, using contractions sets an informal or conversational tone.

Deciding when to use contractions can be tricky. If you’re not sure, it’s a good idea to ask your professor or tutor. She can help you decide how formal your essay assignment is and when it’s okay to use contractions, and when not using them makes the essay stilted.

Some especially tricky contractions:

1. Ain’t or am not: The contraction ain’t is a shortened form of am not and are not. Ain’t is so informal, it’s called slang (see Writing Tutor Session 2 Lesson 3 “Slang”), and like other slang words, avoid using ain’t unless you are quoting someone.

2. Could’ve or could of: Could of sounds like the contraction could’ve, which is a shortened form of the verb could have. Using could of makes of into a verb, and of is a preposition (for example, “Birds of a feather, flock together.”) and not a verb. Therefore, using could of is never correct.

Correct: He could have approved the law. Correct: He could’ve approved the law. Incorrect: He could of approved the law.

3. There’s: There’s is a contraction for there is, as in: “There’s only one correct answer. The problem comes when the writer forgets about the subject and uses there’s with a plural subject with a singular verb:

Subject Correct: There is one correct answer.

Correct: There’s one correct answer.

Incorrect: There’s two correct answers. Incorrect: There is two correct answers.

Correct: There are two correct answers.

4. Its or it’s: Its (without an apostrophe) is possessive as in: “The cat cleaned its fur.” It’s (with an apostrophe) is a contraction for it is, as in: “It’s time to go.”

Correct: It is time to go. Correct: It’s time to go. Incorrect: Its time to go. Correct: I shortened the assignment

because of its difficulty.

5. Your or you’re: Your is possessive as in “your car.” You’re is a contraction, which is short for you are as in: “You’re coming with us, right?”

Correct: You are coming with us, right? Correct: You’re coming with us, right? Incorrect: Your coming with us, right?

Correct: Your keys are on the counter. Correct: The ball and glove are yours.

Practice 3. Revise the following sentences to change the contractions into formal English. If the sentence is correct, leave it as is.

1. A large part of American life was affected, a part that’s quite often taken for granted: the life of the American farmer.

2. When I arrived at the gate, I realized I’d lost my ticket.

3. Teaching’s made easier by using the Internet.

4. There’s experts that can debate the financial pros and cons of home ownership.

5. The choice is your’s.

6. The man seemed to be looking for a fight when he said, “You ain’t going one step closer!”

7. Its not often I get to go to a day baseball game.

8. When writing about war, it’s difficult to remain objective.

9. The law could of been interpreted differently.

10. These authors often place the farming literature there studying into an historical context.

Writing Tutor Session 1: Informal wording.

Lesson 3. Clichés.

http://www.ncc.commnet.edu/dept/tutoringcenter/images/overview_tc.JPG

Student: “How can I tell if my writing has washed out, overused expressions – what my professor calls clichés?”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: Did you know that cliché is a French word with a French pronunciation. The first syllable is cli is pronounced like “clee,” and the syllable ché is pronounced like “shay”: clee-shay! A cliché is any expression that’s been used too much and gone out of fashion, like those 80s haircuts!

Word choice is a lot like fashion. A clothing style, for example, may have been nice-looking when it first appeared, but loses appeal and originality over time, especially when worn by too many people. The same can be said about words. What was an original and interesting

expression 60 years ago loses its originality and interest overtime. Here are some examples of expressions that held readers’ interest when Agatha Christie wrote the famous mystery Murder in Retrospect in 1942, but today are called clichés:

“Now then, [detective] Poirot, what are you driving at?”

“Of course she did it…it was written all over her.”

Then suddenly [the man] laughed. He said: “Elsa’s as strong as a horse!”

People loved to read Agatha Christie mysteries, so we can believe that the expressions she used were popular in their time, like short ties were fashionable for men and floating hats for women.

Fancy Hats and Short Ties

Myrna Loy (1905-1993) wearing a straw hat in the popular 1936 movie, Shadow of the Thin Man.

William Powell (1892-1984) with short tie. Powell was Myrna Loy’s leading man in the

Thin Man movies

A short biography of Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie, mystery writer, was born in Devon, England in 1890, the youngest of three children in a conservative, well-to-do family. Taught at home by a governess and tutors, as a child Agatha Christie never attended school. She became adept at creating games to keep herself occupied at a very young age. A shy child, unable to adequately express her feelings, she first turned to music as a means of expression and, later in life, to writing.

It was while working in a hospital during the World War I that Christie first came up with the idea of writing a detective novel. Although it was completed in a year, it wasn't published until 1920, five years later. The Mysterious Affair at Styles gave the world Hercule Poirot, a retired Belgian police officer who was to become one of the most enduring characters in all of fiction. With his waxed moustache and intelligence, he had an almost unbelievable ability to come to the solution to any murder, or as he put it: "I want to show you that even in a small unimportant matter I am something of a magician. There are things I know without having to be told."

In all, Agatha Christie wrote over 66 murder mysteries, numerous short stories and screenplays. Several of her works were made into successful feature films, the most notable being Murder on the Orient Express (1974). Christie is the most translated individual author of all time; her books have been translated into at least 103 languages. Just one of her books, And Then There Were None, has sold over 100 million copies, making it the world's best-selling mystery ever, and one of the best-selling books of any kind. Agatha Christie is the single most popular mystery writer of all time.http://christie.mysterynet.com/

When revising your essays, change or delete overused expressions or clichés, searching instead for more interesting and original language. Consider a student essay titled, “The Advantages of Going to College.” He

has two drafts: In the first, the student relies on clichés, while in the second draft he’s made the necessary revisions (see blue type).

First Draft Revised DraftJake had been sleeping like the dead when his alarm clock screamed like crazy at him. It was 1:36 P.M., and Jake had planned to be up bright and early that morning. His eyelids were as heavy as lead as he wracked his brain for excuses. It had been the mother of all lost weekends. Now he had to pay the piper. Even he could connect the dots —he'd missed College Algebra again, and the hand of doom was heavy upon his grade in the class.

Jake had been sleeping soundly when his alarm clock screamed at him. It was 1:36 P.M., and Jake had planned to be up on time that morning. Sleep threatened to take him at any moment as he searched for excuses. It had been a wild weekend. Now he faced the consequences of his actions—he'd missed College Algebra again, and he had little reason to believe he could pass the class.

http://www.misterconnor.com/2010/12/writing-avoiding-cliches.html

It’s only through practice that you discover ways to recognize and rewrite clichés. The following exercises give you a start.

Practice 4.1 Revise the following sentences by changing the worn-out expressions into more interesting and original language.

1. This job is a piece of cake.

Your revision:

2. My friend’s big weakness is that she runs off at the mouth.

Your revision:

3. Everything is in the bag. There is nothing to worry about.

Your revision:

4. It takes a lot of guts to give the boss your true opinion.

Your revision:

5. The problem is really eating away at me.

Your revision:

6. My brother is one in a million.

Your revision:

7. If given a responsibility, he never falls asleep at the wheel.

Your revision:

8. He is not one to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Your revision:

9. To make a long story short, I have tried to be like my older brother.

Your revision:

10. The bottom line is I’m not coming.

Your revision:

Practice 4.2 Revise the following sentences by changing the clichés into more interesting and original language.

1. He was so concerned with the details that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Your revision:

2. This is just the tip of the iceberg on this subject.

Your revision:

3. Don’t be afraid to push the envelope in your decisions.

Your revision:

4. In her job interview, she was cool as a cucumber.

Your revision:

5. That's what relationships are about - you stick with someone through thick and thin.

Your revision:

6. This movie about a woman who is brave, funny, and smart as a whip.

Your revision:

7. It's time to take the bull by the horns and get this job done.

Your revision:

8. This book is worth its weight in gold.

Your revision:

9. He fell head over heels in love.

Your revision:

10. The explanation is long and involved, but let me put it in a nutshell for you.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 2: Ways to make pronouns work in your essays.

Lesson 1. First-Person Pronouns (I, me, mine)

Student: “When is it okay to use a first-person pronoun, like I or We?”

http://www.dvc.edu/commoncontent/tutoring-services/images/tutoring1.jpg

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: Use the first-person pronoun (I or We) for informal writing including narrative (telling a story), journaling, and personal writing. Here’s an example of an informal essay written in the first person.

Tameca WinstonENG 0902/2/14 Journal Essay

To Know My Future

If I were to know one thing about my future, I would want to know if my family and I would be financially stable. My husband and I have decided to both go back to school now that we have three kids. We have a two year-old little girl who is as smart as a whip and four-month old twin boys. I want to be

able to be financially set with a good job so that I am able to provide my family with the necessary things in life like a home, food on the table, and health, as well as the fun and entertaining things like having my kids play sports, eating out, seeing a movie on weekends, and taking family vacations.

I had a good job as a medical assistant for a large cardiology clinic before I found out I was pregnant with twins. When I was about three months pregnant, my husband and I decided that I was going to have to be a stay at home mom because we couldn’t afford daycare let alone rent or a mortgage for a family sized home, and it’s especially worrying that we can’t afford health care. Things have been tight for us for the last few months on only one income. My husband and I decided this would be the perfect time for me to get my nursing degree and his criminal justice degree. We want to be able to give our children a better, but not spoiled, life than we had growing up. Neither my husband nor I were able to go to college when we were eighteen. Now at twenty-six and twenty-eight, we have a second chance. We believe that with college degrees we can make that better life happen.

It’s impossible to look into the future to see what is in store for us. After all, who predicted the financial meltdown our country finds itself in, where so many of our friends have lost their jobs? Still, we hope that by returning to college we have helped to shift the odds in our favor. Being financially stable would be the only thing that I would want to know about my future.

Notice how the first-person pronoun “I” helps readers get to know the student writer and her personality. You get a sense of determination, motivation, and intelligence, along with a bit of concern about bringing kids into a world when their parents’ prospects are not certain. You can guess that she gets along well with her husband, that they communicate, and support one another. You want Melissa to succeed, and you believe her because she uses her own voice through the lens of first person in a personal essay.

The Writing Tutor Session 2: Ways to make pronouns work in your essays.

Lesson 2. Second-Person Pronouns (you, your)

http://ioanalazarov.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Tutors_Avatar.jpg

Student: “How do I decide when to use the second person pronoun (you) in my essays?”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: Using the second person pronoun (you, your) is tricky because the pronoun you can easily be misused or overused in writing. Students lapse into the second person in many of their essays because that’s the pronoun they use when talking with friends. However, this is a bad idea on two counts: In a personal essay, using you separates the reader from the writing and the personality of the writer. The result: the reader loses interest.

On the other hand, in a formal essay, using you makes it seem like the writer is trying to talk to the reader, and personal conversations are not part of formal writing. In formal essays, it’s better to use the third person pronoun: he, she, it, they, and occasionally one.

Still, it’s not a matter of ridding your essays of all the second-person pronouns. Sometimes, using the second person is only way to avoid a

phrase sentence sounding awkward. At other times, when used sparingly, and judiciously, the second person creates variety in the writing. At the end of this section, we’ll assign some practice. As you complete the practice, try to figure out when it’s okay to use you. And, if it’s at all confusing, ask you professor or tutor for help,

There are a couple types of essays where it’s okay to use the second-person pronoun. The first is called the process essay—writing that explains how to do something like change the oil, bake a cake, study for an exam, or explain how to write essays—like this book, for example. Since you’re explaining to someone how to do something, it’s convenient to call that person you. In fact, the second-person pronoun is understood in most commands and directions, even if not directly stated (see page …). Whether you put it in or not, it’ll be part of your essay.

For example:

Giving Directions: “Take the second right to get to the college.” (The Subject you is understood as in “[You] take the second right to get to the college.)

Issuing Commands: “Take out the dog and bring in the cat.” (The Subject you is understood as in “[You] take out the dog and [you] bring in the cat.”

Here’s an example of a process essay that makes use of the second person.

Kool-Aid, Oh yeah!

It has been said that Kool-Aid makes the world go 'round. Let it be advised, however, that without the proper tools and directions, the great American beverage is nothing more than an envelope of unsweetened powder. There are five simple steps to create this candy-tasting concoction.

Picking the proper packet of flavoring is the first step in making Kool-Aid. Check the grocer's shelf for a wide variety, ranging from Mountain Berry Punch to Tropical Blue Hawaiian. If it is a difficult decision for you, knock yourself out and buy two. The packets usually run under 65 cents.

After choosing the flavor that best suits your taste buds, the second step is making sure that your kitchen houses some necessary equipment for making the Kool-Aid. Find a two-quart pitcher. Plastic is nice, but glass pitchers allow the liquid to shine through and add festive coloration to any refrigerator shelf. Next, find a long-handled wooden spoon, a one-cup measuring cup, a water faucet that spouts drinkable water, usable white sugar, and an ice cube tray full of ice. Then, you are ready to mix.

Third, grab the left edge of the Kool-Aid packet between your thumb and index finger. With your other hand, begin peeling the upper-left corner until the entire top of the envelope is removed. Next, dump the contents of the envelope into the pitcher. Notice how the powder floats before settling on the bottom of the pitcher. Then, take the measuring cup and scoop two cups of sugar into the pitcher as well. At this point, adding the water is a crucial step. Place the pitcher under the water faucet and slowly turn on the cold water. If the water is turned on too quickly, powder will fly all over when the initial gusts of water hit. After the pitcher is filled within two inches of the top, turn the water off and get prepared to stir. With the wooden spoon submersed three-quarters of the way in the liquid, vigorously stir in a clockwise motion until all of the powder is dissolved. Taste it. If the Kool-Aid is not sweet enough, feel free to add more sugar.

Fourth, when you are finished seasoning the Kool-Aid to your liking, rinse off the spoon and the measuring cup. Take a glass from the cupboard. An eight-ounce glass is usually sufficient. But stronger thirsts might prefer a 32-ounce mug. Add ice and then fill the glass with Kool-Aid. Find a comfortable chair, put your feet up, and drink away. After all, Kool-Aid makes the world go 'round.

St. Cloud State University – LEO: Literacy Education Onlinehttp://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/process.html

http://scripting.com/images/koolAidPacketGrape.gif

Kool-Aid: A Brief History

Kool-Aid was invented by Edwin Perkins in Hastings, Nebraska. All of his experiments took place in his mother's kitchen. Its predecessor was a liquid concentrate called Fruit Smack. To reduce shipping costs, in 1927, Perkins discovered a way to remove the liquid from Fruit Smack, leaving only a powder. This powder was named Kool-Aid. By 1931, the drink was already popular nationwide because it could be stored as a powder at a time when most people did not have refrigerators. The powdered beverage was also inexpensive, selling well during the Great Depression. Kool-Aid was sold to General Foods in 1953 and later to Kraft Foods.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/300572-ingredients-nutrition-information-for-lemonade-kool-aid/#ixzz1zOdae6ez

It’s also okay to use the second person pronoun for a persuasive essay—writing that convinces readers to see an issue as you do (Chapter 6). However, be a bit careful with persuasive essay assignment; make sure to ask your professor. She is likely to have her own ideas on the subject and will appreciate your interest!

Here are two drafts of an illustration essay, an essay that proves a point by examples (Chapter 5). The first is sprinkled with second-person pronouns, while in the second, the student has made helpful revisions that rid the essay of most of the second-person pronoun references (see blue type). Notice that the second draft still has a (you) here and there, because there are a few cases when (you) actually helps the sentence to read better. See if you agree.

Advantages of Going to College – Two Drafts

First Draft Revised Draft

Does working at your local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so

Does working at a local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important to

important for you to take a look at college before going out on your own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages college gives you. Going to college can give you more job options, more all-around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where you take it.

When people go to college, they can learn about anything they are interested in. Learning about what you are interested in will make you more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

take a look at college before going out on your own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages of going to college. Going to college can give more job options, more all-around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where you take it.

When people go to college, they can learn about anything they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make applicants more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

Notice how the first draft moves back and forth from the third-person pronoun (he, she, they, it, one) to the second-person (you). The reader can feel batted around like a tennis ball!

In the second draft, the student writer revises or edits her essay for the second-person pronoun you in the following ways:

1. She takes out the second-person pronoun (you) altogether. In most cases, (you, your) is just extra wording. It always pays to delete words that are not needed (See further discussion below). Here are some examples:

“working at your local fast food restaurant” can be changed to “working at a local fast food restaurant”

“Many people don’t know the advantages going to college gives you.” can be changed to “Many people don’t know the advantages of going to college.”

“College can give you more job options.” can be changed to “College gives more job options.”

2. Change the second person pronoun (you) to the plural third person pronoun (they/their/them), or use a plural noun (students, people, workers, etc.).

“what you are interested in” can be changed to “what people are interested in”

“When the company hires you, you are expected to start work the next day.” can be changed to “The company expects new employees to start work the next day.”

“Completing an internship will make you more qualified.” can be changed to “Completing internships make applicants more qualified.”

3. Occasionally, it’s okay to substitute singular third-person pronouns (one) or a third person pronoun (he or she, but not both!), (his or her), (her or him) for the second-person pronoun (you/your).

“will make you more qualified” can be changed to “will make her more qualified”

“will make you more qualified” can be changed to “will make one more qualified”

Be careful not to overuse the third person pronoun (one), or your writing will quickly become stilted and annoying. As a rule of thumb, don’t use the pronoun (one) more than once or twice per essay, and if you choose not to use it at all, that’s okay. Here are some annoying examples:

Annoying—using he and she

A college student must take responsibility for how he or she spends his or her time, or he or she is not likely to succeed.

Annoying—using lots of ones!

A college student must take responsibility for how one spends one’s time, or one is not likely to succeed.

Better College students must take responsibility for how they spend their time, or they are not likely to succeed.

An historical note: Did you know that fifty years ago people wrote essays using only the masculine third-person singular pronoun (he/his/him) whether they were writing about men, women, or either? Even the word history is a combination of a masculine pronoun and a noun: his + story. It seemed as if women had no place in history or in essays. In the last fifty years, however, women have moved to greater equality in the workplace, home, and community, and that equality is reflected in our writing. The bottom line: Using only the masculine pronoun (he/his/him) when writing about either gender is not a good idea. Of course, if you are writing about a particular man or a woman, in that case, use the gender specific pronoun. Here are some examples:

A student should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement. The reader should assume you are writing about a female student as in, “Carla should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement.” Or that the writer is using the feminine third person pronoun to refer to both genders—turn-around is fair play!

Martin Luther King was the most famous civil rights leader of the 1960s. He helped people to understand in his speeches and his civil rights work that if we are to be true to America’s values and constitution, whites and blacks cannot be treated differently in education, employment, and at the lunch counter. Since Martin Luther King was a man, the writer uses the singular third-person masculine pronoun. No problem here!

Often, you can change the second-person pronouns (you/your) to the plural third person pronouns (they/their/them), or use a plural noun (students, people, workers, etc.) and avoid problems.

A word of caution: Some teachers demand that you match singular nouns with singular pronouns, and plural nouns with plural pronouns. Here are some examples:

Incorrect A student should ask their advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct A student should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct A student should ask his advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct Students should ask their advisor about the transfer requirement.

You can avoid using male or female pronouns (he/him, she/her) — and even being called sexist — by using Indefinite Pronouns (everybody, no one, none, most, many, someone) Click here for review of indefinite pronouns. That’s because it’s okay to use third-person plural pronouns (they/their) even if the Indefinite Pronoun is singular. Writers as famous as Jane Austen have been using this “trick” since the late 1700s, so maybe it’s okay for us.

Jane Austen writing in her novel Sense and Sensibility, published in 1811:

“Each of them was busy in arranging their particular concerns.”

Jane Austen writing in her novel Pride and Prejudice, published in 1813:

Singular Verb Plural Pronoun “*Every body was pleased to think how much they had always

disliked Mr. Darcy.”

*Notice that Austen spells everybody as two words—evidence for how spelling changes over time, and, of course, so does grammar!

Jane Austen: A Brief Biography

(Click Here) for YouTube Video of Kiera Knightly and Matthew Macfayden in the movie version of Pride and Prejudice written by Jane Austen.

Jane Austen (16 December 1775 – 18 July 1817) was an English novelist whose works of romantic fiction, set among the landed gentry, earned her a place as one of the most widely read writers in English literature. Her realism and biting social commentary has gained her historical importance among scholars and critics.

Austen lived her entire life as Lesson of a close-knit family located on the lower fringes of the English landed gentry. She was educated primarily by her father and older brothers as well as through her own reading. The steadfast support of her family was critical to her development as a professional writer. It became quite common for the family to invest time and energy into making home-based productions of existing plays or writing and acting out their own creations. One can only assume that it was in these exercises that the true talent of Jane Austen was being nurtured - through observation, improvisation, acting and participation.

From 1811 until 1816, with the release of Sense and Sensibility (1811), Pride and Prejudice (1813), Mansfield Park (1814) and Emma (1816), she achieved success as a published writer. She wrote two additional novels, Northanger Abbey and Persuasion, both published posthumously in 1818, and began a third, which was eventually titled Sanditon, but died before completing it. Jane Austen's six novels are some of the most widely read pieces of literature in the world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Austenhttp://www.janeausten.org/jane-austen-biography.asp

Discovering ways to recognize and revise the second-person pronoun (you) can be tricky, but you’ll get better with practice. The exercises that follow are a start.

Review for Practice 1

Delete the second person altogether

Example: “College can give you more job options.” can be changed to “College gives more job options.”

Rewrite the sentence using the third person plural noun and pronoun (they/their/them). Example: “When the company hires you, you are expected to start work the next day.” can be changed to “When the company hires people, they are expected to start work the next day.”

If the sentence refers to a specific man or woman, use the third person singular pronoun (he/his/him) or (she/her).Example: “In 1979, Lilly Ledbetter began work at the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company. She started with the same pay but by retirement, she was earning $3,727 per month compared to 15 men who earned from $4,286 per month (lowest paid man) to $5,236 per month (highest paid man).”

With indefinite pronouns (everybody, no one, none, most, someone), it’s okay to use the third person plural pronouns (they/their) Click here for review of indefinite pronouns.Example: “Everyone who came brought their entry fee.

It’s okay to revise with gender specific pronouns (he/she), (his/her), and (him/her), choose one, but not both.Example: “A student should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement.” Or “A student should ask his advisor about the transfer requirement.”

From time to time it’s okay to keep the second person pronoun (you/your), especially if revising the sentence makes the writing awkward.Example: “A college degree bolsters any resume no matter where you take it.

Practice 1. In the following passage:

1. Underline the words (you/your) each time they appear in the passage.

2. Then revise the words (you/your) in one of the ways reviewed above. (Remember, you do not need to revise all the second-person pronouns!)

For the Money

You can tell there are people out there who are only in it for the money. Sure you all want to get paid, but what about your personal growth and passion? Greed can be a very dangerous thing; the more you want, the more it can affect your personality and your success. Do your job because you like it first and then making money will increase your enjoyment.

Having a life purpose is important because it’s the foundation for all your goals and your daily tasks. Most of all, a purpose in life fuels your desire to achieve what you truly desire. This will make you a happier person in everything you do, both personal and professional. For example, say you have a job that you’ve held for five years but you have no promise for a promotion. You decide to get your degree in accounting, and now you have the chance for a better paying job that you would enjoy with opportunity for advancement.

If you don’t have confidence at work, this will hold you back. If you lack confidence and you are not willing to make mistakes, you will not gain the experience that those mistakes have to give you. You are going to make mistakes so you should not let the fear of failure hold you back from trying. You need to learn from them and move on.

***** ***** *****

We often find ourselves with sentences that although get the job done, lack force and clarity. They meander along like a lazy river. Far preferred is the fast-flowing current of a mountain stream. You immediately see the difference!

A Lazy River Mountain Stream

Writing Tutor Session 3: Revving up Lazy Sentences

Lesson 1. Too Many Words

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“It seems that perfection is attained, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away.”Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Student: “How do I keep my sentences from having useless words?”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: That’s a good question! One of the most effective ways you have of revising an essay is to get rid of extra words. E.B. White, the highly respected essayist of first half of the twentieth century, and William Strunk, his college professor, said it best when they wrote:

“A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts” (The Elements of Style, Strunk and White).

Strunk and White went on to summarize their approach in just three words: “Omit needless words.” Need we say more?

Here’s an excerpt from one of E.B. White’s books, the classic Charlotte’s Web. Notice how beautifully crafted the sentences are, how each word has a place, and no words are used that are not needed to advance the story:

E. B. White’s beloved children’s book, Charlotte’s Webhttp://blog.syracuse.com/shelflife/2008/07/charlott.gif

Charlotte’s Web: Chapter One

by E.B. White.

Before Breakfast

"Where's Papa going with that ax?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.

"Out to the hoghouse," replied Mrs. Arable. "Some pigs were born last night."

"I don't see why he needs an ax," continued Fern, who was only eight. "Well," said her mother, "one of the pigs is a runt. It's very small and weak, and it will never amount to anything. So your father has decided to do away with it."

"Do away with it?" shrieked Fern. "You mean kill it? Just because it's smaller than the others?"

Mrs. Arable put a pitcher of cream on the table. "Don't yell, Fern!" she said. "Your father is right. The pig would probably die anyway."

Fern pushed a chair out of the way and ran outdoors. The grass was wet and the earth smelled of springtime. Fern's sneakers were sopping by the time she caught up with her father.

"Please don't kill it!" she sobbed. "It's unfair."

Mr. Arable stopped walking.

"Fern," he said gently, "you will have to learn to control yourself."

"Control myself?" yelled Fern. "This is a matter of life and death, and you talk about controlling myself." Tears ran down her cheeks and she took hold of the ax and tried to pull it out of her father's hand.

"Fern," said Mr. Arable, "I know more about raising a litter of pigs than you do. A weakling makes trouble. Now run along!"

"But it's unfair," cried Fern. "The pig couldn't help being born small, could it? If I had been very small at birth, would you have killed me?"

Mr. Arable smiled. "Certainly not," he said, looking down at his daughter with love. "But this is different. A little girl is one thing, a little runty pig is another."

"I see no difference," replied Fern, still hanging on to the ax. "This is the most terrible case of injustice I ever heard of."

A queer look came over John Arable's face. He seemed almost ready to cry himself.

"All right," he said. "You go back to the house and I will bring the runt when I come in. I'll let you start it on a bottle, like a baby. Then you'll see what trouble a pig can be."

It is unlikely that any of us will ever write as beautifully as E.B. White, but we can communicate effectively, and with style, in college and at work. White’s essays inspire us to improve and set our sights higher.

When thinking about unnecessary words, it’s important to keep in mind that with the first draft of an essay, your concern is organization, not sentence style (see page …). That’s because it’s difficult to do both at the same time. If you try to do both, you’ll likely to do neither well.

So it’s okay not to worry about extra words and phrases in the first draft, but when you’ve revised the essay for organization, that’s the time to turn your attention to removing words, phrases, or sentences that are not essential for effective communication. When revising your essays, let the following maxim be your guide:

If the word or phrase does not improve the essay, take it out.

Here are some examples; each sentence has two drafts: The first has extra words and phrases, and in the second the writer, in this case Dr. Charles Darling, has made the necessary revisions (see blue type). Read each version carefully to see if the extra words in the first draft help the communication, or if in fact they just weigh the sentences down.

Original draft with extra wording

Revised draft taking out extra wording

As far as I'm concerned, there is a need for further protection of woodlands.

They made a significant amount of progress.

Further protection of woodlands is needed.

They made significant progress.

I think smoking should be banned in public places.

It’s my opinion that there should be stricter laws against drunk driving.

Smoking should be banned in public places.

There should be stricter laws against drunk driving.

There are fewer farmers at the present time.

There are fewer farmers now.

Woodlands have been shrinking because of the fact that more land is being used for development.

Woodlands have been shrinking because more land is being used for development.

Due to the fact that their habitats are being taken, forest creatures are losing population and becoming endangered.

The Camry is a better choice all things being equal.

Because their habitats are being taken, forest creatures are losing population and becoming endangered.

The Camry is a better choice.

The uniform that she wore yesterday is from her work in the post office.

The poor pay more for the food that they buy because merchants overcharge them.

This is a decision of which there will be consequences.

The uniform she wore yesterday is from her work in the post office.

The poor pay more for food because merchants overcharge them.

This decision will have consequences.

It would be appreciated if you would send me an application.

I wish Alex would have emailed.

Please send me an application.

I wish Alex had emailed.

The era in which we must aggressively defend our woodlands has not, for all intents and purposes, passed.

The era in which we must aggressively defend our woodlands has not passed.

In the event that enough people protest, it will probably be revoked.

If enough people protest, it will probably be revoked.

Something in the nature of a repeal may soon take place.

A repeal may soon take place.

It seems that they can't wait to get rid of this one.

They never have and never will forget their hike in the Rocky Mountains.

They can't wait to get rid of this one.

They never will forget their hike in the Rocky Mountains.

They have monitored the activities of conservationists in a cautious manner.

So the cell phone industry started really thriving in 2001.

They have cautiously monitored the activities of conservationists.

The cell phone industry started thriving in 2001.

The point I am trying to Sometimes public policy

make is that sometimes public policy doesn't accomplish what it set out to achieve.

The point I am going to try to make in this essay that sometimes public policy decisions do not work.

doesn't accomplish what it set out to achieve.

Sometimes public policy decisions do not work.

Legislators need to be more careful of the type of policy they propose.

Legislators need to be more careful of the policy they propose.

What I mean to say is that well intentioned lawmakers sometimes make fools of themselves.

Well intentioned lawmakers sometimes make fools of themselves.

In the final analysis, the state would have been better off without such a policy.

Thus, the state should adopt a new policy on wetlands.

In conclusion, schools should offer healthier food options for students.

Being that he was late for class, he missed the assignment.

The reason Jerome stayed

The state would have been better off without such a policy.

The state should adopt a new policy on wetlands.

Schools should offer healthier food options for students.

Because he was late for class, he missed the assignment.

Jerome stayed home because he had the flu. [or]The reason Jerome stayed

home was because he had the flu.

Where is the advisor at?

The plate fell off of the table.

I would argue that the law is not needed.

She smiled happily.

She frowned sadly.

He jumped up and down excitedly on hearing the news.

home was he had the flu.

Where is the advisor?

The plate fell off the table.

The law is not needed.

She smiled.

He frowned.

He jumped up and down on hearing the news.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

Here’s a helpful Website (About.com). It has a long list of words that are often just extra baggage. For each word, the website suggests a better choice: http://grammar.about.com/od/words/a/redundancies.htm

A word of warning! College professors are especially guilty of using unnecessary words and phrases. As we wrote earlier, when it comes to writing, they are not your role model. Steven Pinker, neuropsychologist and booster of the importance of clear writing, found this particularly ridiculous example from a journal article written by a well-known professor:

"Participants read assertions whose veracity was either affirmed or denied by the subsequent presentation of an assessment word." Good luck in figuring out what that means!

After re-reading the article several times, Pinker rewrote the sentence as follows: "Participants read sentences, each followed by the word true or false."

Here’s an example taken from part of an essay written about the courts and the rule of law. There are two drafts: The first was written by a well-known and widely respected university professor (good luck in understanding it!). The second draft has been revised for clarity and style. As it turns out, the idea is not so difficult to understand after all!

Wordy and Pretentious Simple and EffectiveOne of the most important reforms mentioned is the unification of the organization of judicial institutions and the guarantee for all the tribunals of the independence necessary for securing to all classes of the community equality before the law. (42 words)

One of the most important reforms is to unify the courts to guarantee their independence and thus the equality of all people before the law. (25 words)

The Oxford Dictionary American Usage and Style by Bryan A. Garner, page 7

The only way to recognize and remove unnecessary words and phrases is practice, and lots of it. Still, if you’re willing to put in the work, you’ll find yourself becoming pretty good at it. The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 5.1 The following are examples of sentences with unnecessary words and phrases, include those from Michael Dolan, a student at Villanova University. Practice revising the sentences to remove any unnecessary wording. (The first five sentences have unnecessary words and phrases highlighted for you. In sentences 6-10, you’ll have to find the unnecessary words yourself.)

Example: Wordy: For the most part, people's suspicions

are based on a misunderstanding of the facts.

Revision: People's suspicions are based on a misunderstanding of the facts.

1. He was really late to his English class due to the fact that he had to finish his math test.

Your revision:

2. Bob provided an explanation of the computer to his grandmother.

Your revision:

3. He found his neighbor who lived next door to be attractive in appearance.

Your revision:

4. During the time when I lived in South Carolina, it was my intention to go to college in Florida.

Your revision:

5. In order to prove that he could hold his own on the track team, Gordo had to train hard like the older runners.

Your revision:

6. I know everyone says that there are those people that no matter how many times you put them in jail for a DUI, or something related to that, that they will never learn.

Your revision:

7. My third and final point of why drunk drivers should get punished is because it will keep the good and responsible drivers feeling safe and at ease.

Your revision:

8. I know you might think that most people aren’t scared of this thought, but I know plenty of people that have had friends or family that were killed by a drunk driver and it frightens them every time they get behind the wheel.

Your revision:

9. Do you know where I can find Otis at?

Your revision:

10. I dropped the book off of the counter.

Your revision:

Practice 5.2 Revise the following sentences to remove any unnecessary wording.

1. If you go to the store, you will see that the store is closed on Sundays because the storeowner likes to go to church.

Your revision:

2. Due to the fact that Jim liked chocolate, he was very upset when the candy company canceled production of his favorite chocolate bar.

Your revision:

3. I believe people are unsuccessful at work for several different reasons.

Your revision:

4. I think that there should be stronger penalties for drunk driving.

Your revision:

5. The first reason why I think there should be really strict consequences for drunk driving is because it would save lives.

Your revision:

6. I am definitely going to vote this election.

Your revision:

Practice 5.3 Revise the following sentences to remove any unnecessary wording.

1. It is extremely important that there should be strict penalties for drunk drivers, or you may find yourself or your family or your friends as the next victim of drunk driving.

Your revision:

2. Money is definitely something that is handled in a lot of different ways.

Your revision:

3. In my opinion money is a very stressful subject.

Your revision:

4. I think people get stressed out for a lot of different reasons.

Your revision:

5. In today’s society, these young teens having babies do not fully understand how difficult it can be.

Your revision:

Practice 5.4 Revise the following sentences to remove any pretentious (show-off) wording.

Example: Show-off: The minister gave us an elegant and

searching discourse the past Sabbath.

Revision: The minister preached a good sermon last Sunday.

Example: Show-off: What the country needs is a monetary

policy that will end the violent fluctuations in unemployment and inflation.

Revision: What the country needs is a monetary policy that will help put people back to work.

Example: Show-off: In my personal opinion, we must listen to

and think over in a ccareful manner each and every suggestion that is offered to us.

Revision: We should consider each suggestion carefully.

1. The adolescents who had effectuated forcible entry into the domicile were apprehended.

Your revision:

2. Our lack of knowledge about local conditions precluded determination of committee action effectiveness in fund allocation to those areas of in greatest need of assistance.

Your revision:

3. The Director made an affirmative decision for program termination.

Your revision:

4. Our discussion concerned a tax cut. Your revision:

5. We have a proposal that the government initiate a taxation on carbon.

Your revision:

Writing Tutor Session 3: Revving up Lazy Sentences

Lesson 2. Losing track of who or what the sentence is about.

http://images.publicradio.org/content/2009/05/12/20090512_choerap_tutoring_33.jpg

Student: “How do I keep my sentences focused on what’s important?”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: You’ll recall from an earlier tutoring session that the Subject is who or what the sentence is about (see (Chapter 13), so the Subject should be front and center in your writing. Writers often make the mistake of hiding the subject in their sentences. They think that since they know what’s important in the sentence, their readers will too. However, if you bury the subject somewhere in the sentence, you’ll sow the seeds for confusion and misunderstanding. The expression, “you reap what you sow,” is true of writing as it is with so many other parts of life.

“You reap what you sow.”

The expression is a quote from the Bible. Jesus spoke to the Galatians, a farming people who lived in what is now Turkey. In the King James version of the Bible, the quote reads, “for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

The quote refers to farming, which the Galatians well understood. To sow means to

plant one’s crops, and to reap means to harvest the crops. If a person plants good crops, he can expect a good harvest, and if a person plants bad crops, he can expect a poor harvest. The same can be applied to other parts of life. For example, if a person puts effort and caring into friendship, he can expect to have good friends, and if he does not put effort and caring into friendship, he can expect bad results.

In the following sentences, the Subject has been downgraded and hidden. We follow with revisions that bring the Subject back in starring role.

Sentence 1. The attraction of the movie was its suspense.

Looking carefully at the above sentence, you can see that the subject is the noun attraction, but the reader might wonder: Who is attracted to the movie? Confusion can result. You can craft a sentence that is more direct and interesting by bringing the subject back to prominance (in each of the examples, the subject is underlined):

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friends: My friends enjoyed the suspenseful movie.

Formal essay focused on the audience: The audience enjoyed the suspenseful movie.

Formal essay focused on the movie and not the audience: The suspenseful movie attracted viewers from all over.

Sentence 2. One way used to increase sales is by putting sugary cereals, drinks, and candy on the lower shelves at children’s eye level.

The subject of the sentence one way gives the reader little idea about who is trying to increase sales. To improve the sentence, just bring the

subject front and center — like grocery stores do with sugary cereals, drinks, and candy!

Formal essay focused on grocery stores: To increase their sales, grocery stores place sugary cereals, drinks, and candy on the lower shelves at children’s eye level.

Sentence 3. Jumping on board, the bus pulled away too fast, causing him to fall.

The subject of the sentence is bus, but the first part of the sentence makes the reader think that the bus is jumping on board and falling. You can revise the sentence by bringing the real subject (the rider who tried to jump on the bus) front and center:

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friend: When the bus pulled away too fast, Carlos tried to jump on board but fell.

Formal essay focused on a rider of the bus: When the bus pulled away too fast, the rider tried to jump on board but fell.

Sentence 4. Much has happened since enrolling in college.

The subject of the sentence is much, but readers are likely to be confused on two counts: 1) they don’t know who or what the subject much refers to, and 2) the second part of the sentence seems to say that “much is enrolling in college.” You can revise the sentence by bringing the real subject (the person who enrolled in college) front and center:

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friend: Much has happened since Sanjay enrolled in college.

Formal essay focused on this year’s class of college students: Much has happened since the class of 2014 enrolled in college.

The exercises that follow give you practice in restoring the subject —what’s important in the sentence — to its top billing.

Practice 6.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the subject to center stage.

6. The taking and emailing of photos is popular with Smart phones.

Your revision:

7. It proved his innocence in the court case.

Your revision:

8. Finding errors in essays is the responsibility of copy editors in newspapers.

Your revision:

9. When things at her job become stressful, she then carries that with her and it affects her parenting methods and the way she responds to her children.

Your revision:

10. Solving the math problem wasn’t easy because of all the steps involved.

Your revision:

11. Running over the curb wasn’t intended in the middle of the

driving test.

Your revision:

Practice 6.2 Revise the following sentences by bringing the subject to center stage.

12. Next up was interviewing the job candidates.

Your revision:

13. Getting the homework done was a priority.

Your revision:

14. Going to the movies was enjoyable on weekends.

Your revision:

15. Arguing with the policeman about the speeding ticket was not a good idea.

Your revision:

16. Finding another class seemed to be the best option.

Your revision:

Writing Tutor Session 3: Revving up Lazy Sentences

Lesson 3. Editing sentences that confuse the reader.

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Student: “How can I keep my sentences from confusing my readers?”

Your friendly writing tutor: First, we need to bring in a bit of grammar—but only a bit! Modifiers are words or groups of words that describe something in the sentence (see page …). The simplest modifiers are called adjectives. For example in the sentence, “The big green car sped over the long, narrow bridge,” the words “big green” describe the car, and “long, narrow” describe the bridge. Most people know about adjectives.

What’s not so widely known, is that modifiers can also be groups of words, or phrases (see page …). One popular type is called a verb phrase. Verb phrases are helpful because they add variety to your writing. There are three kinds of verb phrases. Here are some examples:

“ing” verb phrase Turning the boat around, he sailed back to shore.

“ed” verb phrase Discouraged by the long hours and low pay, my sister finally quit her job.

“to” plus a verb phrase

He told Jorge to turn the boat around.

Because verb phrases add variety and interest to your writing, we encourage to experiment with using them. However, a word of caution: putting the verb phrase in the wrong place, can cause confusion. That’s because verb phrases tend to attach themselves to the noun they are closest to. Here are some examples:

a. “ing” Verb Phrase

“ing” Verb Phrases

Confusing: Flying over San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge came into view. (The Golden Gate Bridge is not flying over San Francisco!)

Clear: Flying over San Francisco, I could see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Confusing: Swinging wildly through the trees, the children were delighted by the monkeys. (The children are not swinging wildly through the trees!)

Clear: The children were delighted by the monkeys, who were swinging wildly through the trees. [or]

The monkeys, swinging wildly through the trees,

delighted the children.

b. “ed” Verb Phrase

“ed” Verb Phrases

Confusing: Once recognized, a writer can fix his misplaced modifiers. (The writer is not being recognized!)

Clear: Once recognized, misplaced modifiers can be fixed.

Confusing: Having laid an egg weighing two pounds, the farmer proudly displayed his favorite ostrich before the photographers. (The farmer has not laid an egg!)

Clear: When his favorite ostrich laid an egg weighing two pounds, the farmer proudly displayed the bird before the photographers.

c. (“to” plus a verb) Phrase

(“to” plus a verb) phrase

Confusing: To please the neighbors, some fireworks were set off a day early. (The fireworks were not trying to please the neighbors!)

Clear: To please the neighbors, the parks and recreation department set off some fireworks a day early.

Confusing: To be cooked well, you must steam vegetables.

(You are not being cooked well!)Clear: To be cooked well, vegetables must be steamed.

With a bit of practice, you’ll get pretty good at recognizing and revising misplaced verb phrases.

Practice 7.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the ing, ed, and “to” plus a verb phrases closest to the noun they describe.

1. Changing the oil every 3,000 miles, the car seemed to run better.

Your revision:

2. To keep the young recruits interested in getting in shape, an exercise program was set up for the summer months.

Your revision:

3. Spending way too much money on his old car, Fred's salary just wasn't enough.

Your revision:

4. To become a respected politician, campaign funds must be carefully administered.

Your revision:

5. I like to listen to hip hop doing my homework.

Your revision:

6. To raise a good dog, patience is useful.

Your revision:

7. Sworn to secrecy, the spy club accepted five new members.

Your revision:

8. After sweating in my apartment through the summer, winter will be welcome.

Your revision:

9. Fixed the night before, Sara was ready to drive to the job interview.

Your revision:

10. Walking to class, the thunderstorm drenched Dameika.

Your revision:

Writing Tutor Session 4: Three ways to lose your writing mojo.

Lesson 1. Weak Verbs.

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Student: “How do I make my sentences stronger and more fun to read?”

Your friendly writing tutor: In writing, you want readers to move at a good pace while understanding and enjoying what they read. For example, writing benefits from action verbs (see page ..). Action verbs move the reader along like a car on a well-paved highway. The speed limit and traffic signs keep the passengers safe, but do not needlessly slow the reader down.

One threat to action verbs are something called linking verbs (see page …). The most popular linking verb is the (to be) verb. It’s an important verb, no doubt. Even Shakespeare uses it as in Hamlet’s famous opening line:

To be or not to be, that is the question.

However, we are often tempted to overuse the (to be) verb, and that gets inn the way of forceful writing. One example are phrases like (there is, there are, here is, it is, and this is). While there is nothing wrong with using these phrases in your essays, problems come when they needlessly replace action verbs. As Bonnie Trenga writes in The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier:

When you rely on the same verbs over and over, your writing becomes boring. To be is such a basic verb that you could probably use a form of to be in every sentence. However, readers have seen am, are, is, was, were, and will be thousands of times. Specific action verbs add variety (42).

In the following examples, we revise sentences that rely on weak (to be) verbs. Notice that the revised sentences feature action verbs, resulting in clearer and more engaging writing.

Example 1. There were answers to the questions on the quiz that we had to find.

The first part of the sentence, “There were answers,” is a weak construction, slowing the momentum of the writing. Yes, the reader knows “there were answers,” but where is the action in the sentence? Also, the essay is not about answers, but about who was asked to find the answers. You can solve both these problems by substituting an action verb and bringing what’s most important in the sentence, “we” or “students” front and center.

Revised: We searched for the answers to the questions on the quiz.

Example 2. It was possible to fail the quiz by ignoring the directions.

The subject of the sentence, It, is confusing, giving the reader little idea about who is likely “to fail the quiz.” The expression “it was possible” is also weak, slowing the momentum of the essay. To improve the sentence, bring the subject front and center and substitute an action verb.

Revised:Students who skipped the directions failed the quiz.

or

When students skipped the directions, they failed the quiz.

Example 3. To make the most of your college experience, it is essential that you understand what your goals are and it is important that you understand what your talents are.

By inserting so many (to be) verbs, the writer both hides the Subject and uses unnecessary words. To improve the sentence, bring the subject front and center, substitute action verbs, and get rid of the extra words.

Revised: To make the most of your college experience, understand your goals and talents.

There are times when using the pronoun (it) without a clear reference works well. You can create a sense of mystery in your writing by hiding what the pronoun refers to. Here’s an example:

It happened, as crises do, without warning.Karen Stabinor, Denver Post, June 2, 2013

There are also cases when using there is or here is works well, for example, when you are introducing a subject or ideas that the next sentences will build on. For example:

There are three reasons why she changed her major.

Here are the key points in our business plan.

Example 3. I talk only with Skype. This is so much better than an ordinary phone call.

The subject of the sentence, (this), tends to confuse the reader because it’s not clear who or what this refers to. The reader wonders: “What is much better than an ordinary phone call?” Moreover, the expression this is slows the momentum of the essay. To improve the sentence, bring the subject front and center and substitute in an action verb.

Better

I like Skype much better than an ordinary phone call because I can see my girlfriend when we talk.

Example 4. It was time for the wedding to start. The first person down the aisle was a young man who played the bagpipes.

“It was time” and “was the young man” are weak constructions that slow the momentum of the essay. Bring the subjects front and center and substitute in action verbs.

Revised:

The wedding started, as a young man playing the bagpipes marched down the aisle.

orAs the wedding started, a young man playing the bagpipes marched down the aisle.

Example 5. I was a manager of a group of six people.

You can also strengthen your writing by changing out weak verbs with prepositional phrases with a strong verb instead.

Revised: I managed a six-person group.

In the following exercise, look for expressions like there is, it is, here is, and this is to guide your revisions.

Example: This was an inspiring speech.

Revised: He gave an inspiring speech.

Practice 8.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the subject front and center and substituting in action verbs.

1. There was erosion of the land from the floods.

Your revision:

2. Another way stress can have a negative effect on physical health is hypertension. Hypertension is called the silent killer. Why? This is because often there are no indicators that you have high blood pressure.

Your revision:

3. There are health problems like diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure if we don’t follow a healthy diet.

Your revision:

4. It is possible that my grandmother suffered from diabetes and heart problems because she did not follow a healthy diet.

Your revision:

5. Many students are inside on their couch playing video games. This can help people relax from a hard day, but this also gets in the way of completing homework and is expensive at the same time.

Your revision:

6. Many students are inside on their couch watching television. It’s a distraction.

Your revision:

7. There are consequences of spending too much time playing video games.

Your revision:

8. Growing up, I had many family members take part in raising me and my older sister. This is because our father died when I was little and my mother had to work at two jobs to support us.

Your revision:

9. Although I loved to work out with weights, I had not been one for cardiovascular exercise. This is very important in helping to maintain blood pressure.

Your revision:

Practice 8.2 Revise the following sentences by bringing the subject front and center and substituting in action verbs.

Example:

Revised:

1. When it comes to cell phones and driving not only is it not safe, but it can have severe consequences.

Your revision:

2. World War II, lasting from 1941 to 1945, was fought throughout Europe, Northern Africa, and the Pacific, including China. This was the costliest war in U.S. history.

Your revision:

3. The police arrived at the scene about 30 minutes after the car rolled into the ditch. Both the driver and a passenger were taken to the hospital with multiple injuries. It was thought to be a hit-and-run accident.

Your revision:

4. There is conflict between U.S. forces and the drug cartel. This is a criminal army formed only because of the illegalization of marijuana in the United States.

Your revision:

5. The bride was ready for the wedding to start.

Your revision:

6. The movie, Reefer Madness, originally aired in 1936, the same year as the movie, Tell Your Children. It was re-discovered in the 70s and has been viewed since as a sort of unintentional satire comedy.

Your revision:

7. Ada was practicing for the audition.

Your revision:

8.Thousands of people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico. This is the result of a conflict between the Mexican government and well-armed drug cartels like the Zetas.

Your revision:

9.It is the promise of the top three candidates in the Mexican Presidential election — Enrique Peña Nieto, Josefina Vázquez Mota and Andrés Manuel López Obrador — to shift in the country’s drug war strategy.

Your revision:

10. There are multiple drug cartels around the world.

Your revision:

Practice 8.3 Revise the following sentences changing out weak verbs with strong verbs

Example:

Weak verb. She was responsible for collecting all the data for the school project.

Strong verb. She collected all the school project data.

1.

The Writing Tutor Session 4: Three ways to lose your writing mojo.

Lesson 2. Passive Voice

Student “If I only knew what the Passive Voice is, I might be able to avoid using it.”

Your Friendly Writing Tutor: Good point! It’s annoying to have teacher throw these strange words and phrases at you that only they know. It’s tricky, but let’s start with the dictionary. It defines passive as “lacking in energy or will: tending not to take an active part” (m-w.com). No wonder the passive voice slows the reader down and slows the momentum of the essay. Your friend, the one who’s too lazy to get off the couch, has the same problem.

The passive voice has two difficulties: 1) the subject is not front and center; and 2) the action verb — what drives the sentence forward — is replaced with a passive (to be), and we’ve talked about how this verb can slow the reader down, like having a speed limit of 15 mph on a road where it’s safe to drive 40 mph. That’s no fun! Here’s an example:

Passive: The new rule was approved by the committee.

The actor in this sentence, the committee, has lost its rightful place as the subject of the sentence, and the action in the sentence is slowed down by the passive form of the verb, was approved. Writers often make matters worse by removing the subject altogether:

Passive: The new rule was approved by the committee.

Passive and Confusing: The new rule was approved.

Ask yourself: Who approved the new rule? The answer is: Who knows? The writer doesn’t bother to share that information. The sentence not only lacks an action verb, but the subject is hidden.

Using the active voice (Subject + Action Verb), you solve both problems.

Active Voice: The legislative committee approved the new rule.

Politicians’ Passive Voice

Politicians love to use the passive voice, so they can distance themselves from their mistakes. A favorite expression is “Mistakes were made,” but who made the mistakes? Probably the politician or his allies, but he hides that reality from the voters.

It takes time to recognize when the passive voice is slipping into your writing. Here are four clues that can help:

Clue 1: The passive voice always has a form of the to be verb (am, are, is, was, were, and will be).

Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.A note of caution: Not all forms of the (to be) are passive. For example, “She is happy,” uses the (to be) verb, but as a linking verb and not as a passive voice. To avoid confusion, use all four clues! Here’s the second:

Clue 2. The (to be) verb is followed by a form of an action verb – approved, made, bought, sold, etc.). When used by themselves, these words are action verbs, but combined with the (to be) verb makes the sentence passive, for example, is approved, were made, was sold, etc.

Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.

Clue 3. The passive voice often hides the Subject in a prepositional phrase that begins with the preposition (by), for example, “The report was written (by the project team, by the president, or by the lawyer). If you’re searching for the Subject in a passive voice sentence, you’re likely to find it hidden in the prepositional phrase introduced with the preposition (by).

Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.

Here are some examples of passive voice sentences and ways to revise the sentences, using an active voice that gets your writing mojo back.

Passive Voice:

The mayor was criticized by the local paper.

Active Voice:

The local paper criticized the mayor.

Passive Voice:

The car was fixed by the mechanic.

Active Voice:

The mechanic fixed the car.

Passive Voice:

An “A” was given to Marshall by Professor Gonzalez.

Active Voice:

Professor Gonzalez gave Marshall an “A.”

You might ask: Why does English even have a passive voice, if it’s a bad idea to use it? The answer lies in the exceptions. It’s okay to use the passive voice when you believe the actor in the sentence is not important. The classic example is when newspapers are reporting a robbery. In this case, the store is more important than the thief.

Okay to use passive voice: The Tinson Clothing store was robbed last night.

You focus attention on the store, not the robber.

Okay to use passive voice: The comet can be observed in the early morning hours.

You focus the reader’s attention on the comet and not the observer.

Okay to use passive voice: Research models were adjusted for age, sex, and body mass.

In scientific papers, it is customary to use the passive voice because scientists want to focus attention on the research and not the researcher. It doesn’t make it good writing, however!

It takes practice to discover ways to recognize and revise passive voice in your essays. The trick to revision is to put the subject front and center

in the sentence while substituting action verbs for (to be) verbs. The exercises that follow give you a good start.

Practice 8.3 Revise the following sentences by bringing the subject front and center and substituting action verbs. If the sentence is okay in the passive voice, type OK in the space provided.

Example:Passive Voice:

The game was won by the home team.

Active Voice:

The home team won the game.

11. The new fire policy was approved by the city council.

Your revision:

12. An illegal time-out was called by the University of Minnesota coach.

Your revision:

13. The employees were informed of their layoffs by the supervisor.

Your revision:

14. The important dates were memorized by the students.

Your revision:

15. Darlene was raised by her aunt.

Your revision:

16. Her home was robbed last night.

Your revision:

17. The story was written by Alex Gianopoulos, a first time author.

Your revision:

18. Dangerous mountain roads were avoided by Raoul.

Your revision:

19. Hamburgers were eaten by the customers.

Your revision:

20. The email was sent by Zhang to her friend in Chicago.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 4. Three ways to lose your writing mojo.

Lesson 3. Sentences that run on and on and on.

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Student: “How do I keep my sentences from going on and on and on…?”

Your friendly writing tutor: You’re right about long sentences. They not only confuse readers, but also erode their interest. Occasionally, you do want longer sentences to provide variety in your writing (see section on sentence variety), but problems multiply when you have a few overly long sentences or too many long sentences.

Here’s a way you can discover when a sentence is too long:

1. Count the coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor – see Chapter 15) that connect multiple sentences into one. When you have more than one coordinating conjunction, it’s a clue that the sentence is probably too long. There are several ways to revise overly long sentences. The first is to substitute a period for one or more of the coordinating conjunctions. Here’s an example:

Too Long

We are all connected to the past through our ancestors, and with the internet, making this connection to the past is now easier than

ever, so the internet has made doing family history work so easy that even teenagers and young children can do it with little or no help, and online family history work is making the past come alive like never before.

Revised

We are all connected to the past through our ancestors, and with the internet, making this connection to the past is now easier than ever. In fact, the internet has made doing family history work so easy that even teenagers and young children can do it with little or no help. Online family history work is making the past come alive like never before.

Too Long

I currently work at Target, which is fine for what it is, but I’m hoping that having a degree will help me land more jobs (or gigs, seeing as I’m a musician), and a college degree would be very beneficial in getting raises or promotions.

Revised

I work at Target, which is fine for what it is, but I’m hoping that having a degree will help me land more jobs (or gigs, seeing as I’m a musician). A college degree would also be beneficial in getting raises or promotions.

Too Long

Having a college degree would be beneficial in not only my daily life, but also my music, so I would take everything I learned while getting the degree and put that in my playing, and I’ve actually written a tune

called “College Degree.”

Revised

Having a college degree would be beneficial in not only my daily life, but also my music. I would take everything I learned while getting the degree and put that in my playing. I’ve actually written a tune called “College Degree.”

Practice 9.1 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) with a period.

1. Baltimore’s professional football team, the Ravens, won the Super Bowl, and Pamlico Race Track is home of the world-famous Preakness Stakes, and Rolling Stone magazine named Baltimore “the best music scene in the country,” and once a person has been there they will know why.

Your revision:

2. It’s obvious that having a college degree is very beneficial in one’s life, and I’m very excited to finish up the semester here at Front Range, and move on to CU next semester to continue my jazz education and get a degree myself!

Your revision:

3. Telluride is set in a box canyon and offers three hundred and sixty degree views of the beautiful San Juan Mountains and is topped with a view of Bridal Veil Falls at the head of the canyon, and in the winter Telluride offers world class skiing, and the summer months are dotted with various festivals.

Your revision:

4. Thousands of people are living in tents for a week, and security could be a major issue because many people bring valuable instruments and other necessities to the festival, but there is hardly ever a theft.

Your revision:

5. The festival itself is only four days long, but the grounds open to campers on the Sunday before, and campers haul in supplies to construct small buildings for themselves and their many friends to enjoy, so last year there was an old time saloon, a twenty-foot high dome structure, and a tiki bar, and all were constructed just for the weeklong celebration.

Your revision:

The second clue that you your sentence rambles is when there are more than two subordinating conjunctions (when, before, after, because, although… see Chapter16 and Chapter17 . Writers often make sentences even longer by adding one or more coordinating conjunctions as well. Here are some examples of sentences that go on for too long. Revise these sentences by substituting a period for one or more of the conjunctions.

Too Long

These makeshift buildings hold nightly, “picks,” which are impromptu bluegrass jams, and which often go until early morning hours, and after the campers have enjoyed music all night, the next day they like to hike in the nearby mountains, wander through historic downtown Telluride, or even take a dip in the ice-cold San Miguel River.

Revise These makeshift buildings hold nightly, “picks,”

d which are impromptu bluegrass jams. They sometimes go until early morning hours. During the daylight hours, campers may hike in the nearby mountains, wander through historic downtown Telluride, or even take a dip in the ice-cold San Miguel River.

Too Long

Since festival organizers are aware of the festival’s environmental impact, they employ hundreds of sustainability personnel who ensure that campers and attendees produce as little garbage as possible because each waste station is also accompanied by a trained volunteer who guides patrons with composting and recycling the majority of their waste.

Revised

Festival organizers are aware of the festival’s environmental impact, so they employ hundreds of sustainability personnel to ensure that campers and attendees produce as little garbage as possible. For example, each waste station is accompanied by a trained volunteer who guides patrons with composting and recycling the majority of their waste.

Too Long

Planet Bluegrass also has invested in carbon offsets and renewable energy credits, which helps offset the carbon footprint created by the electricity, diesel, and gas which is used by both the festival and its attendees, and this year Planet Bluegrass is offsetting 100% of the emissions created.

Revised

Planet Bluegrass also has invested in carbon offsets and renewable energy credits. The credits help offset the carbon footprint created by the electricity, diesel, and gas used by both the festival and its attendees. This year Planet Bluegrass is offsetting 100% of the emissions created.

Practice 9.2 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more of the coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) with a period. Or you can replace one or more the subordinating conjunctions (see list below) with a period.

List of the Subordinating Conjunctions

1. I lived in Baltimore, Maryland, for seven months, and it has become one of my favorite cities because it is a great place to visit, and here are three reasons why.

Common ADVERB Subordinating Conjunctions

afteralthoughasas ifas long asas thoughbecausebeforeeven ifeven though

ifif onlyin order thatnow thatoncerather thansinceso thatthan

thoughtillunlessuntilwhenwheneverwherewhereaswhereverwhile

Common ADJECTIVE Subordinating Conjunctions

Who Which That

Your revision:

2. Baltimore is home of the Washington Monument of 1829, which is one of the first monuments built to honor our country’s first president who is George Washington, and it is also home to Fort McHenry, which is home of the famous flag that inspired our national anthem.

Your revision:

3. If it is culture you are looking for, you can spend all day at museums such as The Walters Art Museum, and if there is one thing Baltimore is known for it is seafood, since Baltimore crab cakes are the best in the world, but even if you don’t like sea food, visit Lexington Market where you can find just about any kind of food.

Your revision:

Practice 9.3 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) and/or subordinating conjunctions (when, while, after, before, although, if, since….see Practice 9.2 for full listSubordinate_Clause) with a period.

1. I have a few friends that don’t really feel like going to college because it’s too hard, too much work, not worth it, etc., which are their words, and it would be great to be able to convince them that earning a degree is entirely worth their time, and I’m not sure they understand how much it would help to have a degree, and maybe if they saw one of their friends with a college degree, it could help convince them to go to school.

Your revision:

2. My dream throughout high school was to move to Costa Rica to surf, and after I graduated from high school I made my dream a reality

when I left Florida with two surfboards, one backpack full of clothes, and $2,000 but at the time I did not even speak any Spanish, which made it difficult because Costa Rica is a Spanish speaking country.

Your revision:

3. Telluride is set in a box canyon which offers three hundred and sixty degree views of the beautiful San Juan Mountains and is topped with a view of Bridal Veil Falls that is at the head of the canyon, and in the winter Telluride offers world class skiing, and the summer months are dotted with various festivals.

Your revision:

4. Being accepted as a local and not a tourist was hard and acceptance only came with time and patience when I made close friends with the locals, who accepted me because I shared, I was respectful, and I made an effort to speak Spanish.

Your revision:

5. The people of Costa Rica were rich in happiness, beautiful surroundings, family and friends, and that included my friend, Francisco who was the happiest person I have ever met, even if he did not have much wealth, yet Francisco was my best friend while I was living in Costa Rica, and we would hang out a few times a week.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 5: Tips on Creating Sentence Variety.

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Student: “How do I keep my writing interesting?”

Your friendly writing tutor: That’s a key question. An important part of style is sentence variety. If you think back to the papers you wrote in middle school, which were often about “What I did on my summer vacation,” you’ll have a good idea of writing that lacked sentence variety. The typical middle school paragraph usually has one kind of sentence: a compound sentence with the conjunctions and, but, and sometimes or.

Here’s an example that might bring back memories (not of camping, but sixth grade English!):

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

We went to the mountains, and we camped in a state park. We went fishing each day, and we caught some really good fish. My father cleaned the fish, and my mother fried them for dinner. My brother and I got to sleep under the stars, and we stayed awake, and we told ghost stories. We were really scared, and it was awesome, but our parents made us go to sleep!

Of course there is nothing wrong with compound sentences with tried and true conjunctions (and, but, or). It’s only when they are overused that they become repetitive and predictable, making for a boring essay that you didn’t even want to write in the first place.

Fortunately, you can add interest to your writing with a variety of sentence types that also allow you to communicate your thoughts and experiences more precisely. We compare each sentence option to the most basic sentence form, the subject-verb pattern “She found the car,” for example.

Variety tip #1. Adding variety with Prepositional Phrases

Prepositional phrases support the subject-verb, usually by locating where the action in the sentence happens. For a full discussion of prepositional phrases, see (See Chapter 14).

Basic sentence Prepositional phrase (tells the reader where she found the car.)

She found the car in the west parking lot.

Shojun put the keys on the table.Tania took the bus to the college.

Here’s an example of three sentences, all with the subject-verb pattern:

Boulder , Colorado, hosted the Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament. They held the tournament in 2010. Team North Florida won.

Notice that the sentences do not tell you which is more important (that the tournament was held in Boulder), (that the tournament was held in 2010), or that (Team North Florida won). Using prepositional phrases to show readers where and when the important part of the sentence (subject-verb) happened solves the problem:

(At the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament) (in Boulder, Colorado,) Team North Florida won.

Now the reader knows that “Team North Florida won” is what’s important in the sentence, and the prepositional phrases provide support. They usually tell you when the (subject-verb) happened, and also where it happened.

Since prepositional phrases can be placed anywhere in the sentence, you can add variety to your writing by changing the location of prepositional phrases.

Consider the following examples:Prepositional phrase at the beginning of the sentence

(At the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament) (in Boulder, Colorado), Team North Florida won.

Prepositional phrase in the middle of the sentence

One (of my best friends) won the lottery.

Prepositional phrase at end of the sentence

Team North Florida won the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament (in Boulder, Colorado).

Variety tip #2. Adding variety with compound sentences

Two sentences with subject-verb pattern:

The runner won the race in the first 100 meters. The spectators did not know the outcome until the end.

In this sentence, notice that both ideas are of equal importance. That’s the time to use coordinating conjunctions.

Example compound sentence: The runner won the race in the first 100 meters, but the spectators did not know the outcome until the end.

While the ideas are still of equal importance, now readers know that the second idea contrasts with the first, which is a more accurate account of what happened.

Here’s a list of coordinating conjunctions you can use to add variety and precision to your writing. The most common are in bold type.

And

But

Or

So

For

Yet

Nor

For a full discussion of compound sentences, see (Chapter 16).

Variety tip #3. Adding variety with subordinate clauses

A subordinate clause is a group of related words containing a subject and verb that connects to the main sentence for support. The subordinate clause and the main sentence have their own subjects and verbs.

There are two kinds of subordinate clauses: adverb and adjective. Both support the main sentence, usually by helping readers know when the action occurs, but as you’ll see, they answer a host of other questions as well.

Subordinate clauses are connected to the main sentence with a subordinate conjunction. Here’s a list of subordinate conjunctions (the most common are in bold):

Common Adverb Subordinating Conjunctions

afteralthoughasas ifas long asas thoughbecausebeforeeven ifeven though

ifif onlyin order thatnow thatoncerather thansinceso thatthanthat

thoughtillunlessuntilwhenwheneverwherewhereaswhereverwhile

Here are some examples of Adverb Subordinate Clauses used for support in sentences:

Basic sentence Adverb Subordinate Clause (tells the reader when the action in the sentence occurs).

I took my first class in photography.

when I was a sophomore.

Jake made it to class

We arrived at the stadium

before his best friend left home.

after the game started.

Basic sentence Adverb Subordinate Clause (tells the reader why the action in the sentence happened, or the cause or effect of the action in the sentence).

I like apples because they are sweet.

You will need to study hard

Our family has been without electricity

if you expect to do well in the chemistry class.

since the tornado passed through town.

Common Adjective Subordinating Conjunctions

Who Which That

Basic sentence Adverb Subordinate Clause (shows contrast with the action in the main sentence.)

I like lobster although I usually cannot afford to buy it.

The primary responsibility for doing well lies with the student

Our family has been without electricity

though the teacher can make a big difference.

even though we paid our bill on time.

For a full discussion of Subordinate Clause sentences, see (Chapter17) and (Chapter18).

Variety tip #4. Adding variety with verb phrases formed with a verb ending in (ing).

Here’s an example of an (ing) verb phrase — a phrase is a word group that does not have a subject or a verb.

Two subject-verb sentences

Some people read faces extremely accurately. They interpret nonverbal cues.

ing verb phrase Interpreting nonverbal cues, some

to add variety to the writing

people read faces extremely accurately.

By removing the subject of the first sentence people and adding an (ing) to the verb, we create the verb phrase, “interpreting nonverbal cues.” Keeping the subject-verb pattern emphasizes the more important concept in the essay: “People read faces extremely accurately.” A verb phrase supports the main sentence and provides greater precision and variety in writing.

Variety tip #5. Adding variety with verb phrases formed with a verb ending in (ed).

Here’s an example of an (ed) verb phrase.

Two subject-verb sentences

Popular herbs are widely available in capsule form. They are manufactured in laboratories.

ed verb phrase Manufactured in laboratories, popular herbs are widely available in capsule form.

Two subject-verb sentences

Chris is taking accounting. It is believed to be the most difficult course in the major.

ed verb phrase Chris is taking accounting, believed to be the most difficult course in the major.

In the first example, the second subject repeats the first subject (herbs/they). In the second example (Chris/it) we’re not sure what the pronoun it refers to. (See how to avoid weak sentences – Writing Tutor Session 7: Lesson 1: Lesson 1 ) Also, the second subject (it) is left out in the verb phrase.

Variety tip #6. Adding variety with (“to” plus a verb) phrases.

Here’s an example of a (“to” plus a verb) phrase taken from two simple subject-verb sentences where the first sentence is converted into a verb phrase.

Two subject-verb sentences

“Juan went to college. He majored in veterinary medicine.”

(“to” plus the verb) phrase (beginning of sentence) adds variety to the writing.

To study veterinary medicine, Juan went to college.”

(“to” plus the verb) Phrase (end of sentence)

“Juan went to college to study veterinary medicine.”

A verb phrase is used to replace the less important of two simple sentences. In the example, the second subject in the two simple sentences repeats the first subject (Juan/he), and the second subject is left out.

Variety tip #7. Adding variety with transition words

Writers use transition words to shepherd readers along. But they have an added benefit: They bring variety to your essay, especially as they can be positioned in the beginning, middle, or end of sentences. Here are some examples:

Transition words in the sentence:

Simple subject-verb People fail to have their

sentencepets vaccinated against rabies.

Sentence with transition word at the beginning

*In addition, people fail to have their pets vaccinated against rabies.

Simple subject-verb sentence

Drinking and driving is dangerous.

Sentence with transition word in the middle

Drinking and driving is, *therefore, dangerous.

Simple subject-verb sentence

The bill was defeated.

Sentence with transition word at the end

The bill was defeated, *however.

* Notice, the transition words are accompanied by commas.

Here’s a list of commonly used transition words:

Of courseClearly NeverthelessFirst, second, third… Finally Frequently

For instance HoweverIn factThen For exampleOn the other hand

Variety tip #8. Adding variety with simple sentences.

You may be surprised, but simple subject-verb sentences also add variety to your writing! The famous quote often attributed to the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson applies: “All things in moderation.”

Examples of simple sentences beautifully crafted:

“This too shall pass.” (Corinthians 10:12) “The greatest of these is love.” (Corinthians 13:13)

When used sparingly, simple subject-verb sentences add emphasis and importance to an idea or action. That’s because there are few words, phrases, and clauses to draw the readers’ attention away from the idea or action you want to emphasize. That’s why in mysteries the most suspenseful action is often a simple subject-verb sentence:

He pulled the trigger.

Here’s an example in which a student writer uses a short sentence to increase the suspense as he recounts an encounter with a mountain lion in the Colorado Rockies:

As I swung my headlamp along the length of the clearing, a reflection caught my eye. I’ve seen this kind of reflection a million times before, but it still took my mind a second to register exactly what I was seeing. They were eyes, but not eyes like the foxes, deer, or even elk that we had seen before. These eyes were different.

Variety tip #9. Adding variety by asking questions.

A good way to add variety in your writing is asking questions. Readers are attracted to questions, because they seek answers. A question naturally engages their interest. Here are a couple examples of sentences that have been refashioned as questions:

First Draft Revised“This essay discusses the factors that cause names to rise and fall in popularity.”

"What makes a name rise and fall in popularity?"

“In this essay, I turn attention to the problem of child language acquisition. Recent research on this process will be reviewed.”

“All children acquire the ability to speak a language without explicit lessons. How do they accomplish this feat?”

Steven Pinker, “Why Academic Writing Stinks”

Once you take asking questions out for a spin, you’ll find they are not difficult and they are a big help. Of course, all things in moderation. Don’t overdo it. One-to-three questions per essay is about right. Here’s some to help you get the hang of it.

Practice 9. Revise the following sentences/paragraphs so they feature a question to stir reader interest. (Hint: The best sentence to rewrite as a question need not be the first sentence. Experiment!)

1. Unlike modern day detectives, we have no solid evidence. There was no one recording our ancestors’ historic invention. Their words are lost in time. There are several suspects for this crime.Revised by adding a question:

2. We go back further. We can guess, for example, that human language got its start in Africa before humans began migrating out of Africa and

across the planet. It’s also probably true that language originated and developed multiple times with different tribes and cultures.Revised by adding a question:

3. Our ancestors used sounds that added emphasis and emotion to gestures.We still have fossils of those emotionally charged words today. These kinds of words are called profanity.Revised by adding a question:

4. Some irregular verbs like put, hit, and cut don’t change from the present to the past tense. If you say, (“I hit the ball”), the listener uses context to know whether you’re hitting the ball now or you hit it yesterday.Revised by adding a question:

5. Most of reality is invisible to us. Entire worlds are hidden from our view. That’s why people believed that disease was caused by miasma, a noxious form of "bad air." They did not think invisible bacteria was causing the problem.Revised by adding a question:

6. As soon as we open our eyes, we can’t help but see categories. It’s clear, for example, that broccoli is a vegetable, apple is a fruit, and robbery is a crime.Revised by adding a question:

7. People stereotype other people based on their skin color for purposes of discrimination and resource allocation. It’s something that can’t be hidden and can’t be changed. In the United States, the majority European population used skin color, as well as accent and dress, to place African Americans in the most tragic of categories—slavery. Resources were distributed accordingly. Revised by adding a question:

As you deploy questions to create variety and interest in your essays, remember: It’s not about the first draft. In the first draft, concentrate on getting your ideas out there, and don’t worry about how the sentences read. It’s only after you have the essay organized based on support for your thesis that you turn attention to revision—crafting sentences that are forceful, direct, and attractive.

Adding Variety: Putting it all together

Let’s see how we can apply the tips we’ve learned. The following section contains multiple drafts of a narrative paragraph (see chapter 4). In the left column is the first draft. It has only compound sentences with coordinating conjunctions (Ex: Pham and Dat went to the mall, and they met two of their friends). Notice how in the left column, the writing quickly becomes repetitive, then uninteresting, and also fails to communicate precisely. In the right column, a professional writer uses a variety of sentence patterns to add variety, precision, and interest. First, read each draft to get a feel for the differences.

Compound sentences only Sentence patterns with variety and greater precision

The 1912 Olympic Games were held in Stockholm, Sweden, and a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon. This event

At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden, a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon. Among the five different skills in this

involves five different skills, and one of them requires shooting a gun at a target. The American was competing for a gold medal, and he fired his gun, but the judges said that his bullet had missed the target. He didn't agree, and he claimed that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center, and the hole had been made by an earlier contestant. The judges did not accept his argument, so he lost. The contestant was an army lieutenant, and his name was George S. Patton.

event, one requires shooting a gun at a target. After an American who was competing for a gold medal fired his gun, the judges said that his bullet had missed the target. He didn't agree, claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center made by an earlier contestant. The judges did not accept his argument, so he lost. The contestant was an army lieutenant named George S. Patton.

Now, we’ll carefully compare the two drafts, so you can see why the writer made each revision. Notice that his revisions accomplish two goals: First, he elevates the part of each sentence that supports the thesis of the story (a controversy occurred) and casts it as the main idea of the sentence; and, second, he recasts the rest of each sentence into a variety of phrases and clauses. Let me explain with examples.

Sentence 1:

Compound sentence Sentence pattern using the prepositional phrase for variety and precision

The 1912 Olympic Games were held in Stockholm,

At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden, a

Sweden, and a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

Since the thesis of the paragraph is that “a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon,” the writer also makes that word group the main idea (subject-verb) of the first sentence. At the same time, he demotes the rest of the sentence into two prepositional phrases (see chapter 15). So the revised sentence looks like this: “At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden, a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.” As we discussed, a prepositional phrase helps readers locate where the action in the sentence happens, and that’s exactly what these two prepositional phrases do — they tell the readers where the controversy occurred.

Notice that the author also adds variety by placing the prepositional phrases at the beginning of the sentence. Prepositional phrases can be located almost anywhere in the sentence, so they’re an excellent tool for generating different sentence patterns.

Sentence 2:

Compound sentences Sentence pattern using the prepositional phrase for variety and precision

This event involves five different skills, and one of them requires shooting a gun at a target.

Among the five different skills in this event, one requires shooting a gun at a target.

Which part of sentence 2 do you think advances the thesis statement that a controversy occurred? Is it that “one event requires shooting a gun at a target,” or that “The event involves five different skills?”

It’s “shooting the gun at a target” that creates the controversy, and not that “the Pentathlon involves five different skills.” And that’s exactly how the writer revises the sentence. He makes “One requires shooting a gun at a target” as the main clause, and demotes the rest of the sentence into support, in this case with two prepositional phrases: among the five different skills and in this event.

The author also adds variety by placing the prepositional phrases at the beginning of the sentence, so the sentence reads like this: Among the five different skills in this event, one requires shooting a gun at a target.

Sentence 3:

Compound sentences Sentence pattern using two subordinate clauses for variety and precision

The American was competing for a gold medal, and he fired his gun, but the judges said that his bullet had missed the target.

(After an American who was competing for a gold medal fired his gun), the judges said that his bullet had missed the target.

In sentence 3, the support for the thesis statement (a controversy occurred) is “the judges said that his bullet had missed the target,” because if the judges did not say he missed, then there is no controversy. That’s why the writer makes the judges’ decision the main clause in the sentence. He lowers the importance of the first word group into two subordinate clauses (see chapter 18-19): After an American fired his gun and who was competing for a gold medal.

Notice that the second subordinate clause who was competing for a gold medal is placed inside the first subordinate clause: (After an American who was competing for a gold medal fired his gun), allowing the author to achieve greater precision and variety.

Sentence 4:

Compound sentence Sentence pattern using “ing” and “ed” verb phrases for variety and precision

He didn't agree, (and) he claimed [that] his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center, (and) the hole had been made by an earlier contestant.

He didn't agree, claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center made by an earlier contestant.

In sentence 4, the important support for the author’s thesis statement that (a controversy occurred) is “the contestant disagreed with the judges,” because if he accepts the judges’ ruling, there is no controversy. That’s why the author makes the disagreement in the main clause: “He didn't agree.” He demotes the other word groups into two verb phrases (see page) — an (“ing” verb phrase—see chapter 19): claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center and an (“ed” verb phrase): made by an earlier contestant. Notice that in sentence 4, he begins with a subject-verb pattern, which he hasn’t yet done in the paragraph, and ends with the two verb phrases, adding variety to the writing.

Sentence 5:

Compound sentences Sentence pattern using prepositional phrase for variety and precision

The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

If you think there is no difference in the two drafts of sentence 5, you’re right! Both word groups “The judges did not accept his argument” and “he lost” are of equal importance to the thesis that “a controversy occurred.” If “the judges accept his argument,” and he wins, there is no controversy. The author uses a compound sentence (see chapter 16) to express that the two ideas are equal. He also adds variety by using a compound sentence, proving there’s nothing wrong with a compound sentence if used in moderation.

Sentence 6:Compound sentence Sentence pattern using an

“ed” verb phrase for variety and precision

The contestant was an army lieutenant, and his name was George S. Patton.

The contestant was an army lieutenant named George S. Patton.

Sentence 6 is tricky because George S. Patton, ranked as one of the most famous Generals of the Second World War, is more important than the fact that he was once an army lieutenant. Yet, the author makes the less important idea, “The contestant was an army lieutenant,” into the main clause of the sentence. He demotes the more important idea: “His name was George S. Patton,” into a simple (“ed” verb phrase). Why? Has the writer made a careless error after so systematically expressing his ideas in the rest of the paragraph? Not really.

Think of his strategy like giving a surprise party. The key to keeping the surprise is making it seem as if there is nothing important going on. You might say to your friend, “Oh, let’s drop by my apartment because I forgot my coat.” But you have all the guests in the living room ready to shout “Surprise!” You hide the surprise behind the pretense of getting your coat.

The writer does the same in the essay. He distracts the reader’s attention with a main clause, “The contestant was an army lieutenant,” which is nothing more than support. He then reveals the surprise: The story is not about an army lieutenant, but a famous general, George S. Patton. The surprise is hidden behind a little (“ed” verb phrase).

George S. Patton in his dress uniform, 1943http://topper10.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/george_s_patton1.jpg

George S. Patton: A Bit of History

George S. Patton was one of the most famous World War II generals. He was known for his aggressive military tactics, gigantic ego, and his willingness to accept casualties if he could advance against the Germans, especially in competition with the British General, “Monty” Montgomery. Patton was also known for his super-shined silver helmet, impeccable uniform, twin pistols with ivory handles, and almost knee high black leather boots. There’s an excellent movie on George S. Patton called Patton staring George C. Scott. You can watch the trailer to on YouTube. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L9FMBbFJZY).

Practice 10. Creating sentence variety: “The Mummy”

Read the passage below. Notice that the sentences are short, choppy, and repetitive. After studying the paragraph, rewrite it to create better sentence variety. Take out or replace informal wording, clichés, or slang. Create sentence variety, using some or all of the following:

Simple sentence with a subject and a verb.

Example: The contestant was an army lieutenant.

Prepositional phrase (on, from, with, for, at…) at the beginning, middle, or end of sentence to demote less important ideas.

Example: At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden, a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

Compound sentences with coordinate conjunctions (and, but, or, so…) to balance equally important ideas.

Example: The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

Use subordinate conjunctions (after, which, although…) to demote less important ideas.

Example: (After the American fired his gun), the judges said that his bullet had missed the target.

Combining related sentences with a semicolon to show that two ideas are related.

Example: The contestant was an army lieutenant; his name was George S. Patton.

Phrases starting with an "ing" form of the verb to demote less important ideas.

Example: He didn't agree, claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center.

Phrases starting with an "ed" form of the verb to demote less important ideas.

Example: His bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center made by an earlier contestant.

Phrases starting with 'to' and the verb to demote less important ideas.

Example: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ― Albert Einstein

Include at least one ing, ed, or “to” plus a verb phrase in your revision.

The Mummy

The mummy was moving. The mummy's right arm is outstretched, and it was gross. There are torn wrappings that were hanging from it. The being stepped out of its gilded box! You could tell the mummy was dead as a doornail. There was a scream stuck in her throat, and she was flipped out, and the thing was coming towards her. Then it was coming towards Henry, he stood with his back to it. So he really didn’t have a clue. You could see that. It was moving with a weak walk, and it was moving with a shuffling gait. A lot of dust was rising. Rotting linen covered it. A great smell of dust filled the room, and a great smell of decay filled the room.

Your revision:

The Mummyhttp://www.hotflick.net/pictures/999TMY_Rachel_Weisz_042.html

YouTube of the trailer for the 1932 version of The Mummy (Click Here).