by Mitch TempleLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist

When Your Marriage Needs Help: You Are Not Alone

by Mitch TempleLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist

AllScripturequotationsinthispublicationarefromtheHOLYBIBLE,NEWINTERNATIONALVERSION®NIV®Copyright©1973,1978,1984byInternationalBibleSociety.Allrightsreserved.

©2006,FocusontheFamily

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Every marriage experiences problems. No matter how long you have been married— whether one year or 40 years —you will have problems. Marital problems can be extremely intense and painful, and those hurts can cut deeply and last a very long time.

Thepaincausedbysomeoneyoucareaboutas much as your spouse may be very difficult to dealwith.Mostof ushavepreconceivedideasabouthowourspousesshouldtreatus.Weexpectmistreatmentfromotherpeople,butnotfromourspouses.Justrememberthatashumanbeings,

weoftenthink,feelandbehaveinwaysthatarehurtful,eventowardthosewelove.Flawedpeopletreat each other in flawed ways; so no matter how muchwecare,we’llsometimeshurteachother.

Yourmarriageisn’tdoomedbecauseyouhurtone another, have difficulty communicating or havedisagreementsoverimportantissues.Coupleshavebeenexperiencingandsolvingproblemsontheirown—beginningwithAdamandEve,andcontinuingtothisday.Themoreexperienceandmaturityacoupledevelopsinamarriage,themoresuccessgainedinmanagingandsolvingproblems.Godcreateduswiththeabilitytosuccessfullymanagerelationshipsinahealthyandproductiveway.

Askothercoupleswhatittooktobuildastrongandsuccessfulmarriage.Restassuredthattheirstrongmarriagesdidnotdevelopovernight.Theyexperiencedsomeof thesameproblemsyouhave.Onereasontheirmarriagesarestrongtodayisthattheywerecommittedtotheideathatnomatterwhatobstaclestheyfaced,theywouldlearntomanagetheirproblemsandovercomecrisisonanongoingbasis.

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Asyoureadthisbooklet,pleaseunderstandthattheprincipleswe’resuggestingarenotintendedtodealwitheveryproblemthatcouplesdealwithinmarriage.Weespeciallydon’twanttoimplythatyoushouldremaininasituationwhereyoursafetyorthesafetyof yourfamilyisatrisk.If youareinarelationshipwhereyourspousedisplaysanyof thefollowingsigns,pleaseseekhelpimmediately:

• Physicallyabusive• Displays symptoms of a significant mental

illness• Hasamajorchemicalimbalance• Threatensthesafetyof youoryourchildren

Thesearenotsimplisticissuesandcannotbedealtwithbysimplyreadingabookortalkingtoafriend.Seekprofessionalhelpimmediately.YoucancallyourlocalmentalhealthhotlineorFocusontheFamily(719-531-3400)forareferraltoaChristianpsychologist or psychiatrist in your specific area.

A Model Couple?ChuckandBettieseemedtobeamodelcouple

astheynearedtheir42ndweddinganniversaryandvolunteeredtoserveonapanelforayoungcouples’classattheirchurch.

Rebecca,marriedonlythreeyears,askedthesmilingpair,“Whyareyoustillsohappytogetherafter42years,andhowdidyougetsolucky?Youseemlikethemostcompatiblecoupleintheworld.Did you ever have any real difficult problems?”

Theclasslaughedalittle,andChuckreplied,“Yes.” His eyes connected with Bettie’s. Then he summarizedeachmajorstageof theirlives,sharingsomeof thetrialstheyhadexperienced.Hewroteonthewhiteboardashespoke:

In year one, Bettie had a miscarriage; inyearthree,shebecamepregnantunexpectedlyandIlostmyjob.Inyeareight, our first child was diagnosed with autism; and in year 13, I took a job that keptmeontheroadthreeweeksoutof

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themonth.Inyear14,IadmittedthatIhaddevelopedanunhealthyfriendshipwithaco-worker,whichledBettieandmetoseparateforsixmonths.

AsChuckcontinuedtolistchallengesandproblemsintheirmarriage,healsolistedsuccessesandvictories—anddescribedhowtheydevelopedtheskillstoovercometheirproblems.Hementionedpeopleandresourcesthatcontributedtotheirsuccess.

ThenBettieconcluded:

Weweredeterminedthatnomatterwhathappenedinourmarriage,weweregoingtoriseaboveit.Havinganunhealthymarriageorgettingadivorcewerenotoptions,sincewebothcamefromhomeswherethosethingsoccurred.Ateachstresspointinourmarriage,wecommittedtosolvetheproblemandallowittobealearningexperience,notanexerciseinfailure.

LikeChuckandBettie,youcandeterminetosolve,manageandovercomeproblems—evencrisis—inyourmarriage.AsChuckandBettiediscovered, you’ll find that marriage problems can actuallybecomethemortarandgluefortheoverallstrengthandsuccessof arelationship.

Problemsandchallengescancauseustogrowdeeproots,likeanoaktree,equippingustoenduredevastatingstorms.Dealingwithmarriageissuescanalsocleartheair,actinglikeasummerlighteningstorm, which first appears loud and destructive but canresultinpurerairandafreshbeginning.

Believeitornot,crisesthataremanagedwellcanbringacoupleclosertogetherandmoveeachpartnerforwardtoenjoyahealthiermarriagethaneverimagined.

Help for Different Typesof Marriage Problems

Problemsinmarriagescanrangefromminortoserioustocrisis-level,witheachdemandinga

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differentkindof help.Thefollowingexamplesillustratehowwide-rangingmarriageproblemscanbe.It’simportanttorealizethathelpisavailableatalllevelsandcanturnevenahopeless-lookingsituationaroundinaradicalway.

Minor Problems:JoeandMaryaren’tcommunicatingliketheyusedto.Theydisagreeoftenabouthowtodisciplinetheirkids,andtheyspendlesstimetogether.Finally,theyrecognizetheneedtorefreshtheirmarriageandattendamarriageseminartogetheratchurch.Athome,theybegintofind success implementing the tools they developed.

Serious Problems:GeorgeandMarthaareeither fighting or withdrawing, and George has threatenedseveraltimestoleave.Itbecomescleartobothof themthattheirmarriagewillnotsurvivewithoutmakingitaprioritytolearntorelateinhealthy ways. They seek out and find a Christian counselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break theirdestructivepatterns.

Crisis:ScarlettisdevastatedtolearnthatRhetthas had an extramarital affair. At first, she is ready to

divorcehim.Shethrowshimoutof thehouse.Butin time, she realizes that she wants to fight for her marriage.Hewantstorebuildtheirrelationship,too.Sheinsistsonaseparationuntiltheycancompleteintensivemarriagecounseling.Aftersixmonths,Rhettmovesbackin,andbothcommittonewpatternsof behaviorandcontinuedcounseling.

Thoughproblemssuchasthosedescribedabovearecommoninmarriage,theycanmovefromnormaltoabnormalinashorttimeperiod.If problemsinyourmarriagehavebecomeunmanageable,unhealthyanddestructive,orcauseextremeemotionaldistress,youmayneedsomeonefromoutsideyourmarriagetohelpprovideobjectivehelp—someonewhocanaddresstherootproblemandnotsimplythepresenting issue,thatis,theapparentproblem.

Forexample,youmayfeelyourspousenolongercaresaboutyou,butthecoreissuemaybethatyouhavesaidordonesomethingthatdeeplyhurthimorher.Thepresentingproblemmightbefinancial in nature, such as your spouse failing to

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controlhisorherspending,oreachof youfailingtocommunicateaboutwhatispermittedornotpermittedregardingspendinglimits.Thecoreissuemaybenotcommunicatingproperlyorsettingappropriateboundaries.

Here’s the bottom line:If aproblemcausesconsiderabledistressandyoudonotseemtobemakingprogressaddressingit,approachtheproblemfromadifferentangle.Thebestrecommendationforongoing,unmanageableproblemswouldbetovisitalicensedChristianmarriagecounselor.It’sbesttoworkwithsomeonerootedinChristianvaluestocomplementyourbeliefs,someoneprofessionallytrainedtoworkwithrelationshipissues.Noteverycounseloristrainedtodealwithcomplicatedrelationshipproblems,nordoeseverycounselorholdtobasicChristianvalues.

Indications You Need Helpfor Your MarriageInput From Family and Friends

If yourfamilyorfriendsrecognizethatyou

haveaproblemthatneedsaddressing,payattention.Peopleoutsideyourmarriagecanoftenspotaseriousproblembeforeyoucan.Familymembersandfriendsoftenhaveintuitivehunchesorbecomeconcernedaboutyourrelationshipbasedonbehaviorsorattitudesyoumaymanifest.Listencarefullyif someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”

Children’s BehaviorAnotherindicatorinvolvesyourchildren.

Theirbehaviorcanoftenprovideabarometerof whatisoccurringinsideahome.Youandyourspousemaybelievethatthecurrentlevelof interactionandhealthinyourmarriageisokayandjustthewayitwillbe,butyourchildrenmaysensethatsomethingiswrongandneedstochange.

Youngchildrenoftenreacttomarriageproblemsthroughabnormalbehavior.Theybegintoactoutatschool,aroundfriendsorevenathome.Thesameistrueof teens,whowilloftenreacttotroubleathomebybecominginvolvedinactivitiesorwithpeoplethatareoutof character.

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Teenstypicallyattempttodealwiththestressof anunhealthymarriageinunhealthyways.Teenbehaviorandattitudesoftenprovideameansof medicatingtheirpain.

The Present Compared to the PastAverypractical,commonsenseindicator

thatyouneedcounselingcomesfromcomparingthewayyourmarriageusedtobe,tothewayitiscurrently.Inthebeginningof marriage,mostcouplesspendagreatdealof timetogether,serveoneanother,compromiseondifferences,communicateandsolvebasicproblems.Yettime,conflict and the stresses of life have a way of squeezingouthealthyhabits.Amarriagecannotsurvivewithoutaregulardoseof basicnurturing.

If thesepracticeswereoncecommonplaceandarenowextremelyrareornonexistent,yourmarriageislikelystruggling.Allrelationshipsbecomesickoreventuallydiewithoutthesebasicingredientsbeingaddedtoeverydayinteractions.

Physical AbuseIf physicalabuseistakingplaceinyour

marriage, the first concern is safety. If you are beingphysicallyabusedorthreatened,gettoasafeplace.Don’tremaininasituationwhereyouarelikelytobehurtagain.Contactyourlocalabusehotlineorthepolice.Thoughyoumaythinkwhatis occurring is justified, and you don’t have any options,don’tbelieveit.Physicalabuseisneverjustified or normal. There are always options and peoplewhocanhelpyou.

Substance AbuseMostaddictionproblemsinmarriage—such

asdrugs,alcohol,gamblingandpornography—cannotbesolvedbytheaddictorthespousealone.Treatment for the specific addiction is a complex andlong-termprocess.Mostpeoplecannotjuststopanaddictivebehavior.Itwillnotjustgoaway.Itrequiresprofessionalhelpandongoingaccountability.Ongoingcounselingandinpatienttreatmentisoftenrequiredtoeffectivelydealwith

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anaddiction.Itcanquicklydestroyamarriage,sodon’ttrytodealwithitonyourown.

Sexual ProblemsBecausesexualdynamicsinmarriageareso

personalandsomuchapartof biblicaloneness,thisareaof yourmarriageshouldbenurturedandprotected.If sexualproblemsarepersistentinyourmarriage,avoidingorignoringthemwillnotmakethemgoaway.Sexualproblemscanleadtomoresevereproblems,suchasaspouseseekingalternativesforhavingphysicaloremotionalneedsmet.TheInternet,pornographyWebsitesandonlinechatroomsareallbreedinggroundsformoreproblems.

Aseatingproperlyisessentialtogoodphysicalhealth,healthysexisvitaltogoodmaritalhealth.Don’tignoresexualproblemsinyourmarriage.

Emotional ProblemsIf youoryourspousebegintoexperience

problemssuchasongoinganger,depression,anxiety,

abnormalstress,guiltorbiochemicalproblems(i.e.,bipolarsymptoms,schizophrenia,paranoiaorotherpsychosis),helpisneeded.Emotionalproblemsareoftenreactionsandresponsestosomethingbeingoutof balancewithyourspouseorintherelationship.Untilthecoreproblem(s)isproperlyaddressed,thepresentingproblem(s)andemotionaldisturbanceswillkeepreoccurring.Oneemotionalproblemleftuntreatedcanleadtomoreseriousproblems.Forexample,unhealthyangercanleadtoseveredepression.Untiltheangerissueisaddressed,thedepressionwilllikelycontinue.

Extramarital AffairsThediscoveryof anaffairisoneof thedarkest

andmostpainfulmomentsinmarriage.Theemotionaldamageandaccompanyingsymptomsthattakeplaceafteranaffairaremonumental.Thereisnohurtorpainlikethepainfeltbyabetrayedspouse. The emotional pain and intensity reflect the experienceof anextremelytraumaticevent.Shock,denial,anger,depressionandotheremotionsarenormal.Whenthislevelof hurtoccurs,youneedto

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getprofessionalhelp.Afteranaffair,mostpeoplecan’tgothroughthehealingprocesssuccessfullywithoutoutsideintervention.Youexperiencethoughts,feelingsandspiritualchallengesneverfeltbefore.

Beingobjectiveandtryingtomanagetherollercoasterof emotionsaloneshouldnotbeattemptedwithoutprofessionalChristiancounseling.Weekendmarriageintensivesarealsoavailable:Theyarespecifically designed to help turn around marriages whichhaveexperiencedcrisessuchasaffairs.Ongoingcounselingandsupportarealwaysnecessaryevenafteracoupleattendsanintensiveorcrisisseminar.

Realizethatanextramaritalaffairdoesn’tnecessarilymeanyourmarriageisover.Infact,as painful and difficult as it can be, an affair has proventobetheturningpointinmanymarriagestohelpthemmovebeyonddysfunctionandpaintohealthandsuccess.

WithdrawalProlongedwithdrawalisalwaysadangerous

sign.Withdrawalinamarriageindicatesthatone

orbothof youhavereachedapointof suchintensepainthatyoucan’tfunctioninsidetherelationshipanylonger,soyouwithdrawphysicallyoremotionally.Thenaturalresultof withdrawalisadownwardspiralintoanapatheticstatewhereyousimplydon’tcareanymore.Communication,sex,affectionandothernormalrelationalnecessitiesbecomenonexistent.

Ongoingwithdrawalisoneof themostdifficult states a married couple can be in or get outof.Aslongasthereissometypeof interaction,includinghealthyarguments,thereisstillsomelevelof concernorcareinthemarriage.Butwhenoneorbothwithdraws,it’sasigntheyhavegivenup.

Counselingistypicallyneededtoredirectthecoupletothebasicsandstartovertorebuildthetrust,concernandemotionvitaltothegrowthandfunctioningof ahealthymarriage.Rememberthatjustbecauseyouhavetriedcounselingbefore,thereisnoreasonnottotryadifferenttypeof programorcounselinginthefuture.

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Destructive PatternsDo you find you continue to follow the same

destructivepattern?If youcontinuetoexperienceaproblem,andthesamereactionssurfacerepeatedly,it’slikelyyouneedoutsidehelp.Doingthesamethingwillonlynetyouthesameresult.Itisextremelyeasyforacoupletogetintoaperpetualrut.Theonlywaytogetoutof adeeplyruttedpatternistochangecourseandresponses.Callingan experienced Christian therapist could be the first steptopullyououtof therut.

Somepatternscanbealteredwithoutoutsideintervention.Forexample,awifemayconsistentlycomplainandnagassoonasherhusbandwalksinthedoorfromwork.If sheismadeawareof thisunconscioushabit,shecouldeasilybecomemotivatedtobreakit.Simplylearningtogiveherhusbandafewminutestounwindafterarrivinghomemayalsoprecipitateawillingnessonhisparttorespondtohiswife’srequestsmorepromptly.

Negative Spiritual Relationship TheBibleteachesusthatamarriageissystemicallyconnectedtoacouple’srelationshipwithGod.If yourmarriageisunhealthy,itwilleventuallyaffectyourspirituallife.TheapostlePeterwrites:

Wives,inthesamewaybesubmissivetoyourhusbandssothat,if anyof themdonotbelievetheword,theymaybewonoverwithoutwordsbythebehaviorof theirwives,whentheyseethepurityandreverenceof yourlives...Husbands,inthesamewaybeconsiderateasyoulivewithyourwives,andtreatthemwithrespectastheweakerpartnerandasheirswithyouof thegraciousgiftof life,sothatnothingwillhinderyourprayers(1Peter3:1-2,7,NIV).

Marriageproblemscanobstructhealthyaccessto God and the spiritual blessings that flow from it.If yourmarriageisinatremendousamountof pain,chancesareyouwillnotfocusonyour

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relationshipwithGod.Youmayevenstartactinglikesomeonewhoisnotachildof God.Youwilltendtosayanddothingsthatareoutof characteranddishonoringtoGod.Painhasawayof overridingourvalues,instinctsandevenourbeliefs.

Forexample,nomatterhowwelltrainedandmildlytemperedadogmaybe,if youstandonhispawlongenoughandwithenoughintensity,hemaybiteyou.Thesameistruewithpain:If youstayinitlongenough,yourthoughts,beliefsandbehaviorcanbenegatively(anddramatically)affected.

If yourmarriageisunhealthy,yourwalkwithGod may be as well. It is difficult to have one right andtheotherwrong.Godpurposelyconnectedourspiritualrelationshipswithourheavenlyrelationship.Thewayweperceiveandtreateach other definitely affects how we perceive and respondtoourheavenlyfather.

Godcommandsustotreateachotherwithloveandrespect:“Eachoneof youalsomustlovehiswifeasheloveshimself,andthewifemustrespect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). God also

viewsyourmarriageasalifelongcommitmenttoyourspouseandtoHim.

Is Your Marriage in Crisis?Amarriagecrisistypicallyoccurswhenan

unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict causesthelevelof anxietytobecometoointenseforthecoupletomanage.Asaresult,anger,resentment,dissatisfaction,frustrationandhopelessnesstakecontrolof therelationship.Thecoupletypicallycontinuesthenegativeinteractions—ordisengagescompletelyfromoneanother,andtherelationshipshutsdown.Icallthistheboilingpointormaritalmeltdowninthemarriage.Itisusuallyatthisplaceinthecrisisprocessthatacouplecallsseekinghelpfromacounselor,minister,friendorfamilymember. Some counselors define a marriage crisis asamarriagewhereoneorbothpartnersdesiretoendthemarriage.

Everyday,you’refacedwithabroadvarietyof challengesandtrials.Individualsandfamiliesareconstantlyexposedtonewsaboutnaturalandman-

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madedisasterssuchasdomesticviolence,terroristattacks,abuse,rape,workplaceaccidents,crashes,military conflicts and weather-related disasters. Accordingtostatistics,thereareapproximately36millionreportedcrimesandcrimevictimseachyearinAmerica.Theemotional,physicalandspiritualresponsesthatfollowacrisisareoftenmorethanmostpeoplecanmanagealone.

Peopleincrisessuchastheseneedotherstohelpthem—includingcounselors,pastors,policeofficers, social workers, Red Cross workers and otherstointerveneintheirlives.Thesameappliestoamarriagecrisis.Youmustbeopentoothers’help.

Butwhatexactlyisacrisis?Howdoescrisisaffectpeople?Whataretheshort-andlong-termeffects?

Basedonpersonalexperienceandknowledge,the definition of a crisis that I prefer is: “any situationorstimulusthatcauseshighlevelsof emotionalanguishordisparityinindividuals,andwhichleavesthemfeelinghelpless,outof balanceand out of control.”

Crisesarecapableof woundingusdeeply,nomatterwhatorwhocausesthem.Someof themostdestructiveanddevastatingtraumasarethosecausedorcreatedbythosewecareaboutmost:ourfamilyandfriends.Anexampleof thistypeof hurtcouldbeamarriagewhereanaffairhasoccurred.Theemotionalandsocialpressureonthewoundedpartnerisfar-reachingandundoubtedlylong-term.Thereisnothingthatcausesmoreemotionalpaininamarriagethantobebetrayedbysomeoneyoulove,dependonandtrust.

Iamconvincedthattheemotionalscarsandwoundsthatoccurinfamiliesaresomeof themostunpleasantanddamagingonthefaceof theearth.Crisis is difficult in and of itself, and even more so whenitiscausedbypeoplewhomwecarefor.

If acrisishasoccurredorif problemshavebecomeunmanageable,youhavearighttofeelupside-down.Yourentirelifehaschangedinaninstant.Yourbody,mindandemotionsarethrownoutof balance.Youprobablyneedoutsideinterventionandhelp.

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Onthepositiveside,acrisiscanleadtoasolution.Itcanbecomethebridgethatmovesyoufrompaintoanewbeginning.

Twosymbolsrepresenttheconceptof crisisintheChineselanguage:dangerandopportunity.IntheancientGreeklanguage,thewordcrisiscomesfromtworootwords:decisionandturningpoint.Thesesymbolsandwordsmostaccuratelydescribetheunderlyingcompositionsof crisis:dangerandopportunity,decisionandturningpoint.

Is My Marriage Worth Saving?Why Even Try?

Withoutadoubt,yourmarriageisworthsaving!Thoughallmarriagescan’tbesaved,divorce

doesnottypicallysolvepersonalorrelationaldysfunctions.Forcoupleswithchildren,itisimportanttounderstandthatresearchvalidatesthefactthatmostchildrendonotwanttheirparentstodivorce,inspiteof theirparents’argumentsandbasicproblems.Infact,oneof thenumberonefearsof childrenintheUnitedStates,ages4to16,

isthefearthattheirparentswilldivorce.1

Dr.JudithWallerstein,apsychologistandoneof thenation’spremierdivorceresearchers,conducteda25-yearresearchstudyfollowing131childrenof divorce.Shestates:

Twenty-five years after their parents’ divorce,childrenrememberedloneliness,fearandterror!Adultsliketobelievethatchildrenareawareof theirparents’unhappiness,expectthedivorceandarerelievedwhenithappens.However,thatis a myth; and what children actually concludeisif oneparentcanleaveanother,thentheybothcouldleaveme.Asasocietyweliketothinkthatdivorceisatransientgrief,aminorupheavalina child’s life. This is also a myth; and as divorcingparentsgoesthroughtransition,theirchildrenliveintransition.2

Dr.JohnGottmanprovidesinterestingresearch

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findings that suggest why it is important to save your marriage. He states, “The chance of a first marriageendingindivorceovera40-yearperiodis67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first sevenyears.Thedivorcerateforsecondmarriagesisas much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers.”

Hegoesontoexplain:

Numerousresearchprojectsshowthathappilymarriedcoupleshaveafarlowerrateforphysicalproblemssuchashighbloodpressure,heartdisease,anxiety,depression,psychosis,addictions,etc.andlivefouryearslongerthanpeoplewhoendtheirmarriages.Thechanceof gettingdivorcedremainssohighthatitmakessenseforallmarriedcouplestoputextraeffortintotheirmarriagestokeepthemstrong.3

Accordingtoanationalstudy(theNationalFatherhoodInitiativeMarriageSurvey),morethanthree-fifths of divorced Americans say they wish

theyortheirspouseshadworkedhardertosavetheirmarriages(seefatherhood.org).

Findingsfromastudyof unhappymarriagesconductedbytheInstituteforAmericanValuesshowedthattherewasnoevidencethatunhappilymarriedadultswhodivorcedweretypicallyanyhappierthanunhappilymarriedpeoplewhostayedmarried.Evenmoredramatically,theresearchersalsofoundthattwo-thirdsof unhappilymarriedspouseswhostayedtogetherreportedthattheirmarriages were happy five years later.4

When people hear about these findings, their responsetypicallyis,

All that research is well and good; but I have triedeverythingIknowtodo,andmyspousesimplywillnotagreetogethelp.Ihavecried,begged,threatenedandpleaded,butnothingworks.SowhatdoIdo?Ican’tdoitonmyown.ThereisnothingelseIcando.

Maybethereis.

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When a Spouse Won’t Go for HelpThreeof themostcommonreasonsone

spousegivestheotherfornotseekinghelpinthemarriagefollow:

• “We don’t have that kind of problem” or “Our problems are really not that bad.” That’sthedenialresponse.Thefactis,if yourspouserequestscounseling,yourmarriageisprobablyworseoff thanyouthink.Yourspouseisapparentlyinenoughpaintoseekrelief fromitinsomeway.If yourspouseishurtingtothepointof takingthisaction,youneedtojoinhimorherinsolvingtheproblem.If yourspousehasaproblem,youhaveaproblem.

• “We can’t afford it.” Most Americans can affordwhatevertheyreallywant.If wecanaffordcellphones,hobbies,cableTV,eatingout,healthclubmemberships,dailyvisitstoStarbuck’sanddesignerclothes,wecanaffordmarriagecounselingoranintensivedesigned

tosaveourmarriage.Aquestiontoseriouslyconsideris:“CanI/weaffordnottogotocounseling?” If you don’t go to counseling, whatwillbetheoutcome?Canyoulivefortherestof yourmarriedlifewiththeoutcome?

• Anothercommonreasonyourspousemightrejectcounselingisthatheorshesimplyisnothurtingasmuchasyouare.Yourspouseisnotwhereyouareonthepainscale.Thetypicalresponseshownbythemotivatedspouseisasenseof frustrationorunhealthyresponsessuchasnagging,pouting,arguing,accusing,angryoutburstsorsimplybeingbitter.Butunhealthyresponsesliketheseonlycausewoundstodeepenandtheotherspousetomovefurtherawayfromtherelationship.Youcan’t “nag” your spouse into getting help.

Onthespiritualside,apossiblefactorthatcouldpreventyouoryourspousefromgettingneededhelpispride.Manymarriagesarefailingandareeventuallydestroyedbecauseoneorboth

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partnersaretoopridefultoadmitthattheyhaveaproblemandmaybewrong.Thesametenacityandstubbornnessthatoftenkeepsapersoninamarriagecanleadtoalevelof pridethatpreventsthatpersonfromreceivingtheproperhelpwhenintrouble.If youthinkyouaretooproudtoaskforhelporfeeltooproudtofacetheembarrassment,youaretooproud.Pridecanstandinthewayof progresslikeasentryguardingacastle.Nothingcangetpastitormovebeyondit.

Oneof thegreatestthingsyoucandoforatroubledmarriageistobewillingtosay,“I’mwrong.I’msorryandIrealizethisproblemhasalot to do with me.” This attitude is the opposite of apridefulattitude.Itsays,“IknowImustbewillingtochangeif Iexpectmyspousetochange.Iwilldowhatever it takes to save and change my marriage.” Thiscouldmeancommittingtime,moneyandenergytoacounselingrelationshipthatwillholdyouaccountableforyourgrowthandprogress.

Aheartdominatedbypridesays,“IwouldratherallowmymarriagetodiethanadmitIam

wrong.” A heart driven by biblicalloveandcommitmentsays,

Iwilldowhateverittakestosalvageandrebuildmymarriage.IwillgiveupeverythingIown.Iwillchangejobs.Iwillmortgagethehouse.Iwilldowhateverittakes,becauseIknowmymarriageisthatimportanttoourchildrenandourchildren’schildren.

Can You Do It Alone? Whatif onespouseiswillingtogotocounseling

andtheotherisnot?Shouldthewillingspousegotocounselingorseekhelpwithouttheother?Inmostcases, the answer is definitely yes. Your marriage can behelpedimmenselyif youinitiatechange.

Whenonespousestopstryingtochangehis or her partner and stops pointing fingers, makingaccusations,andwithholdingaffectionandattention,theenergyoftenshiftstoself-improvement.Whenyoumakepositivechanges,itallowspositivechangestooccurinyourspouse.

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Thefactis,youcannotchangeyourspouse,butyoucanchangeyourself.Oftenthemostobvious point of movement in a conflicted marriageisself-movement.Changesyoumaketoimproveyourself andmarriagecaneffectivelyproducehealthyresponsesintheotherspouse.

Sometimesthebestwaytochangeyourspouseistomodelpositivechangeinyourownlife.Youcanencourageyourspousetocommunicatebetterbylearningtocommunicatebetteryourself.Youcancoachyourspousetorespectyoubyrespectinghim or her first. You can teach your spouse to stop complainingwithabitterspiritbybreakingapatternof complaininganddevelopinganewspirit.

Yourhusbandorwifemaynotbewillingtoreadbooks,gotoseminarsorgotocounselingat this stage; but if you take the first step, your changes may positively influence him or her.

Forexample,whileSharonwasaChristian,herhusband,Joseph,wasMuslim.Theirmarriagewaslessthanperfect,andJosephhadalmostcompletelydisengagedfromtheirmarriage.Sharontriedto

changeJosephrepeatedlywithoutsuccess.Asalaststraw,Sharonwenttoherchurchforcounseling.TheChristiantherapistdirectedSharontolookatherown life and attitudes first, before trying to change Joseph.Heremindedherof thebiblicalprincipleof makingherself beautifulontheinside,insteadof focusingonexternalbeautyandalterations.

SharonbegantoevaluateherattitudeandrelationshipwithJoseph.Sherealizedthatoneweakareainvolvedshowingproperrespecttoherhusband.Sherealizedthatshehadaresponsibilitytorespecthimastheheadof herhome,eventhoughhewasanonbeliever.ShehadmadethatcommitmenttohimandtoherGod.Shebegantoseethatrespectingsomeonedoesn’tnecessarilymeancompleteacceptanceoragreement.

Sharonbegantoreframethewayshesawherhusband.Asaresult,herinteractionswithherhusband changed significantly; and ultimately, these changesinSharontotallytransformedJoseph.

Sharon’sradicalchangesaffectedJosephrelationallyandspiritually.NotonlydidJoseph

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reconnectwithhiswife,hebegantoquestiontheprinciplesof hisbeliefs.HesawsomethinginSharon’sreligiouswayof lifethatwasmissinginhisown.Intime,JosephconvertedtoChristianity.The old proverb stands firm: Change produces change. Sameness produces sameness.

Thinkof yourdecisioninpracticaleconomicterms.Askyourself:If Itakenocourseof actionorevenpursuedivorce,howeconomicallyadvantageouswillthatbe?Thecostof divorceintheUnitedStatescanaverageanywherefrom$10,000to$20,000.Amajorityof coupleswhodivorce find themselves living on half of their pre-divorceincome.Afterdivorce,manysinglewomenareforcedtolivebelowthepovertylinewhileattemptingtoraisetheirchildren.

Divorceisnottheanswertomostproblems.Divorceisnotthebestsolutiontobeingunhappyor unfulfilled. It typically creates more problems thanyoucaneverimagineandwillhavealong-termeffectonyourchildren,aswellasgenerationstocome.Therefore,thequestionis:“Canyou

afford not to go to counseling?” From a practical standpoint,itmaybelikeasking,“ShouldIhaveheartsurgeryif IknowthatIwilldieif Idon’thaveit?” If your doctor says you will live in pain the rest of yourlifeorthatyouwilldie,canyouaffordnottohavethesurgery?

Common Mistakes inApproachingYour Spouse

• Showing disrespect.AsSharonrealized,youcan’tchangeapersonbytearinghimorherdown.There’sonlyoneresponseforthatkindof approach:negative.Thinkaboutit.Howdoyoufeelwhenotherstreatyoudisrespectfully?Doesitmakeyouwanttodosomethingforthem?Doesitmakeyouwanttoshowaffection?No.Showingdisrespectwillonlyalienateyourspousetotheideaof seekinghelp.

• Losing control of your anger. Angerisoftenawayof punishingyourspousewhenheorshedoesnotgiveyouwhatyouwant.It’s

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notonlyineffectiveinproducingalong-termchangeinhowyourspousebehaves,italsodestroysanythreadsof loveorfeelingsthatmaystillbeevident.Sure,if yourspousedoesn’trespondtoyourrequests,thetemptation exists to respond in anger; but if youdon’tgettheresponseyouwant,gettingangryandsparkingaheatedargumentwon’thelp.

• Blaming your spouse. Don’taccuseorpointfingers. Don’t resort to exaggerated or over-generalizedlanguagesuchas:“Youalwaysactlikethis!YouneverdowhatIaskyoutodo.Youjustdon’tcareanymore.It’salwaysyourfault.Youalwaysdothisoralwaysdothat.” That type of language isn’t valuable insolvingtheproblem.Itonlycreatesmoreissuestodealwithandmorewoundstohealinthefuture.

Approaching Your Spousethe Right Way

• Beginbyapproachingyourspouseattherighttimeandintherightmanner.Chooseatimewhenheorsheisnotdistractedortoostressedortired.

• Approachyourspouseinanon-confrontationalmanner.Anangrytoneof voice or condescending “parent to child” approachwillonlycausehimorhertoshutdown.

• Makesureyoubringupthetopicinanon-threateningway.If yourcommunicationpatternhasdigressedtothepointthatwhenyoubringupthistopic,yourspousebecomes defensive and “blows up,” you may considerwritinghimorheralettertobereadwhenyouarenotpresent.Thisgivesyourspousetimetothinkaboutwhatwassaidandrespondwithoutalltheemotions.

• Don’t say, “You need counseling.” Recognize

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and admit that “we” have a problem, and it mustbeaddressedasateam.

Youmaytrystatementslikethefollowingtoencourageyourmatetojoinyouingettinghelpforyourmarriage:

“I’mconcernedthatif weallowthisproblemtocontinue,itwillonlygetworse.Ican’tgoonlikewehavebeen.Ineedthehelpmorethananything.Iknowyouareuncomfortablewiththis,butsoamI.It’sembarrassingandevenfrighteningtome.Irealize,however,thatif wekeepdoingthesamethings in our marriage, we’ll get the same results.”

“Weneedoutsideinterventionanddirection.It’slikebeinginastrangecityandaskingothersfordirections.Localsknowthearea.Theyknowthecorrectpathtotake,andwhichroadsareeasyonesandwhichroadsaredangerousanddifficult. A trained Christian therapist knows the wayaround,hasbeentrainedandiscapableof helpingwithissuesanddangersthatwecan’tdealwith on our own.”

“IknowGodwantsustodobetterinourmarriage,andourchildrendeserveamorestablehomeenvironmentthanthis.It’sobviousthatif wedon’tgethelp,wearemakingthedecisiontocontinueinapainfulmarriage.Ibelievethereishopeforusanditispossibletohaveahealthymarriage like we used to.”

“Iloveyouwithallmyheart,butIamtiredandneedyourhelpandsupportonthis.If youwon’tgoforyourself,wouldyougowithme?Let’stalk about it after dinner tonight.”

Thesenonthreateningapproachestakesomeof thepressureandblameoff theotherpartner.Theytypicallyopendoorstothepossibilityof gettinghelpinsteadof closingdoorsbyusingnegativeapproaches.

What to Look for ina Christian Counselor

ThekeycriteriaforselectingaChristiancounselorinvolvethecounselor’scredentialsandfaith.

Justbecauseapersonreferstohimself asa

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counselordoesnotnecessarilymeanhe’sproperlytrained.Acounselorshouldbelicensedbythestateinwhichhepractices.Also,if youareexperiencingmarriageproblems,youmaywanttolookforaMarriageandFamilyTherapist.MFTshavespecific training in relationship dynamics. Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs) have specific trainingindealingwithindividualproblems,butmanyalsohaveexperienceandtraininginmaritalissues.Youmayalsolookforsomeonewhohasspecific experience in working with couples in crisis.

Youcanaskquestionsthatwillhelpyoudecideif a particular therapist is a good fit for you:

• Whattypeof licensedoyouhave?Themostcommontypesof licensureinclude:LicensedProfessionalCounselor(LPC),LicensedMarriageandFamilyTherapist(LMFT),Psychologist,LicensedClinicalSocialWorker(LCSW)andPsychiatrist(MD).

• Whereisthelicenseheld?Whichstate?Thelicenseshouldbefromastatelicensing

board,notsimplyfromaprofessionalornationalcounselingassociation.Thecounselor’slicenseshouldalsobefromthestatewherethetherapistiscurrentlyworking,notjustfromanystate.

• Isyourdegreefromanaccrediteduniversity?

• Whatothercredentialsdoyouhold?Professionalmemberships?

• Do you have specific experience in working withcouplesincrisis?Whattypeof problemshaveyouworkedwith?

• Areyouactiveinyourfaith?

Justbecauseapersonreferstoherself asaChristiantherapistdoesnotnecessarilymeansheisChristianinbeliefsandpractices.Herearesomequestionstohelpdetermineatherapist’slevelof faith:

• Issherecognizedandrecommendedbythelocalchurchcommunity?

• Doessheattendchurchregularly?

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• Whatactivitiesisthecounselorinvolvedwithatchurch?Doessheteachaclassorparticipateinserviceactivities?

• Whoisthecounselor’sministerorpastor?Doesthecounselorfeeluncomfortablewiththeprospectof youtalkingtoherpastor?

• Doesthecounselorhaveastatementof faith? Do her beliefs conflict with yours?

• Whatdoesthecounselorbelieveaboutmarriageanddivorce?

• Doessheencouragereconciliationandoffertherapeuticservicestocouplestowardthatend?

• DoesthecounseloruseprayerandScriptureinherpractice?

If acounselorseemsreluctantoruncomfortableinansweringthesequestions,feelfreetoseekotherrecommendationsfromtrustedChristianadvisorssuchaschurchleaders,staff,Sundayschoolteachers,denominationalboards,etc.

FocusontheFamilyoffersafreereferralservicetoover2,000licensedtherapistswhoare

screenedandevaluatedfortheirbeliefs,expertiseandethicalpractices.TorequestareferraltoalicensedChristianmarriagecounselorinyourarea,youcancall719-531-3400andasktospeaktosomeoneinourCounselingdepartment.

Inadditiontotraditionalcounseling,thereareseminars,marriageworkshopsandretreatsthat offer education about specific issues like communication, finances, conflict and intimacy. There are also hundreds of specific books, DVDs andCDsthataddressavarietyof marriage-relatedtopicsfromaChristianperspective.YoucangotoFocusontheFamily’sWebsite(family.org)orcall800-A-FAMILY(232-6459)toviewalistof Christianresources.FocusontheFamily’sCounseling,CorrespondenceandMarriagedepartmentsmaintainacurrentlistof recommendedresources.

Thereareanumberof recommendedWebsitesthataddressmarriage-relatedproblems:

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• FocusontheFamilyMarriagesite(family.org/marriage)

• TroubledWith.com• LoveandRespect.com• FamilyDynamics.net• FamilyLife.com

Inadditiontotraditionalcounselingforcouplesincrisis,therearealsospecializedintensivesthataredesignedtohelpyousaveyourtroubledmarriage.Mostintensivesarethreetofourdayslong.Theirpurposeistohelpcouplesinextremedistressbreakdownbarriersandturntheirmarriagesaroundinashortperiodof time.Manyof theseapproachestomarriagecrisisareseeinggreatsuccess.Formoreinformationonintensives,logontoTroubledWith.comorFamilyDynamics.net

ConclusionYou can fight for your marriage and get the

helpyouneed.Youarenotaloneinthebattle,andtherearemanypeopleandresourcesavailabletohelpyou.Mostof all,GodwillstandbyyouasyouactwithintegritytopreservetherelationshipHejoinedtogether.Findhelp,andstarttoday.

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Endnotes1 FromWhen Your Child Is Afraid,byDr.Robert

SchachterandCaroleMcCauley(SimonandSchuster,1988).

2 FromThe Unexpected Legacy of Divorce—The 25 Year Landmark Study, byJudithWallerstein,JuliaM.LewisandSandraBlakeslee(HyperionPublishers,2000).

3 FromThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work(ThreeRiversPress,1999).

4 “Does Divorce Make People Happy?” (Institute forAmericanValues,2002).

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