Broken and Whole By Stephen A. Macchia - EXCERPT

8/20/2019 Broken and Whole By Stephen A. Macchia - EXCERPT

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Stephen A. Macchia

A Leader’s Path toSpiritual Transformation



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© by Stephen A. Macchia

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Contents

Introduction: An Invitation to Discover Strengthin Weakness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Te most excellent way

Impatience Isn’t a Virtue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Love is patient and kind When Envy and Jealousy Ransack the Mind . . . . . . . Love does not envy

Is It Ever Acceptable to Have a Competitive Spirit? . . . Love does not boast

Te ight Grip of Pride and Close- Fisted Greed . . . . . Love is not proud

Te Maddening Manipulation of Self and Others . . . . Love is not rude

Is an Independent Spirit in Your Veins and Arteries? . . . Love is not self- seeking

Te Destructive Power of Unbridled Anger . . . . . . . . Love is not easily angered

Te ruth Always Sets Us Free . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Love keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil,but rejoices in truth

When Fear and Worry Ensnare a Heart . . . . . . . . . Love always protects

Te Pitfalls of Needing to Be Wanted . . . . . . . . . . . Love always trusts




When Hope Waxes and Wanes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Love always hopes No Pain Is Ever Wasted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Love always perseveres and never fails

Befriending Brokenness and Inviting Redemption . . . Te greatest of these is love

Conclusion and Benediction: Broken and Whole . . . . . .

Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Leadership ransformations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .




Introduction

An Invitation to DiscoverStrength in Weakness

Te most excellent way

know they are bothsaint and sinner. Or, as Martin Luther noted long ago, “Simuliustus et peccator” —at the same time righteous and sinner.Tese leaders live with a burning desire to be honest aboutthemselves—acknowledging their strengths as well as theirstruggles and mishaps. Tey live and lead from the depth of

their soul, which is the essence of their existence. And, as aresult, they become more attuned to an experiential knowledgeof the truth about God and others within their reach.

Healthy spiritual leaders recognize the reality of living inthe tension of the already- and- not- yet nature of the kingdom.Tey expect to experience both transformative redemptionand continued brokenness in their generational lifetime. Teyknow that Christ’s kingdom has been inaugurated and is beingrealized here on earth. But their complete redemption is notfully consummated until they are ushered into God’s kingdomfor all eternity.




As continuously redeemed and transformed beings, they

experience the abundant life of Christ with ever- increasing joyand thereby invite others around them to do likewise. Leaderswho embrace their brokenness and submit it authentically intothe hands of God are the ones who marvel at God’s redemptivework and serve others with renewed passion. Teir spiritualeyesight is likened to Saint Augustine, who once said, “In mydeepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me.” Tey are an

inspiration to all.Consider this perspective on leadership as portrayed in the

biblical text. For example, where would the story of Joseph’stested faithfulness be without the jealousy of his brothers or thelure from Potiphar’s wife? Would we know about the leaderMoses without his excuse of a speech impediment and shirkingresponsibilities? And—oh by the way—what about his murderof an Egyptian? Wasn’t Rahab the harlot an instrument of gracefor Joshua? What about Saul’s blatant hatred of Christiansbefore being blinded by the light on the road to Damascus? Andwould we know the full gospel story without Jesus sufferingfrom ridicule, beatings, humiliation and the excruciating painof a broken body and shed blood on the cross?

I am profoundly motivated when I think of the woman whowas abused by her mother growing up and who now serves as amentor to young moms. I’m deeply touched by the severely dis-abled woman who is a faithful servant leader, stuffing envelopesand fervently praying for missionaries in the agency where she

volunteers time and resources. I’m awestruck by the former drugaddict and ex- con who now is clean and sober and leading trou-bled youth to Christ. I’m moved by the fallen leader who, oncecaught in a web of lies and an adulterous relationship, is backwith his wife and together serving couples in marital difficulty.I’m equally delighted when I meet many other leaders who are

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simply willing to own their brokenness, no matter how messy or

complex, and who humbly submit that weakness into the handsof Almighty God to become a redeemed strength unlike any oftheir natural abilities.

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I’m dearly loved by my heavenly Father and I’m deeply sinful—how can the two go together?

I’ve been a leader myself for nearly four decades. I’ve had theprivilege of serving others in local church, parachurch and non-prot environments. I’ve experienced great success and a fewembarrassing failures. I’ve seen incredible highs and a handfulof deep lows. I’ve considered myself effective and I’ve watchedmyself tire into utter exhaustion. I’ve brought others a lot of joyand I’ve both dished out and received from others my share ofdisappointment. In essence, as much as I like to view myself asa good or even a very good leader, I’m more truthfully a blessedand broken leader, one who is daily in need of being restored andrenewed, refreshed and redeemed by the Spirit of God whoresides in me.

Basically, I’ve come to grips with the reality that I am who I

am. I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus. I have made many posi-tive contributions as a leader. I’ve served faithfully as a pastor ina large and healthy church. I’ve experienced effectiveness as aleader of a one- hundred- year-old organization that grew signi-cantly in my tenure. I’ve mentored many young and aspiringleaders. I’ve even founded a ministry that’s been richly blessedby God.

But I also make mistakes. I blunder. I think horrible thoughts.I’m an internal quagmire more often than I desire and in con-tinual need of God’s grace. I know what it feels like to be amanipulator, and when not kept in check I can drive myself and

Introduction




others crazy with my perfectionistic tendencies. I’ve been deeply

hurt by past failures. I’ve been disappointed by the attitudes andactions of others. And I see these same things in many otherswho are in leadership positions in the body of Christ.

I’ve discovered that when I’m authentic, honest and transpar-ent about all my realities as a leader, I can relax more in thepresence of those who previously intimidated me. I can laughmore at my own imperfections. I can live in a deep place of free-

dom and joy. Most importantly, I can embrace my brokenness,befriend it, and watch and wait in trust for God to birth hope inmy heart for the redemptive way forward. In essence, by livingin this reality I can experience the fullness of a loving God andthe richness of an emancipated consciousness that leads me intogenuine freedom and joy.

I’m willing to embrace my own blessed and broken reality. Iknow that my Almighty God sees me as his dearly loved, gracedand gifted child, and he sees me at my worst when I’m a dis-heartened follower or a disobedient sinner. And he loves me nomatter what state I’m in. I can trust his Spirit to redeem thereality of my brokenness, and I can live in the hope of the resur-rection, willing to die to myself, live fully for God, and offer

myself as a living sacrice to all who cross my path in life andservice. Tere’s no better way to live and lead.

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So I ask you: What’s your choice as a leader today? Will youconfess your own belovedness and blessedness as well as yourbrokenness?

If so, I invite you to join me in entering into the truth aboutthe abundant life we have as dearly loved and richly blessedChrist- followers and to embrace our brokenness as humanbeings in constant need of God’s grace. For the sake of this book,

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and with no intention to standardize these categories, I’m using

brokenness or weakness as overarching terms. Underneath thoseterms are four subsets to note, representing both internal bro-kenness (our own sinful choices and painful misfortunes) andexternal brokenness (the effect of others’ sin on us and theimpact of our world’s large calamities):

. Suffering—physical disabilities, emotional illness, societalmisfortune, catastrophic events, inicted without your indi- vidual or human choice

. Heartache—physical or emotional abuse, disappointmentsin others or in life circumstances (mistakes, struggles, mis-haps and shortcomings), shame and guilt, or relational dis-cord afflicted by others and/or contributed also by you

. Sinfulness—prideful choices you’ve made that create inter-nal or external pain for yourself and/or others and that reectoutright disobedience to God, regardless of motivation orrationale

. Imperfections—those areas of your life that seem to follow you daily, such as your idiosyncratic behaviors, nagging hab-its and plaguing mind games that keep you up at night

I will lead the way by telling you the truth about me. I’m will-ing to do this because I’m concerned about the growing need forauthentic Christian leadership today. And, I’m alarmed at howmany are allergic to doing the hard work of looking deep withinto discover their true selves and upward to God for his uniqueblessing on their lives. Instead, many leaders are living unful-lled lives without really knowing why. Some are simply unwill-ing to confess their brokenness or acknowledge their weakness.Others are looking for the perfect leader somewhere “out there”to emulate.

Introduction




Many want to follow leaders who appear put together; we

want to be tutored by them in order to look and sound like them.We will do whatever it takes to reach their perceived status andrecognition. We read their books, attend their conferences,practice their programs, buy their products and begin to speaklike them (sometimes even exploiting their published sermonsand teaching outlines). We want to somehow acquire theirstrength without considering the cost they too have paid (and

the suffering they endured) in addressing their own brokennessand seeing how God has redeemed it and continues to redeemit for his glory.

We long to have what others have earned. We dream aboutour walls being lled with the same framed accolades theseemulated leaders have achieved. We measure ourselves againstthe success of others. Yet the upward ascent to greatness feelsmore like pushing a rock uphill, and we are forced to work allthe harder so we aren’t found out as a failure, a fraud or a quitter.

I’m convinced that the true pursuit of greatness as a leaderbegins and continues in the gentle humility that accompaniesour sincere confession of brokenness and the accompanyingneed for God to heal, redeem and strengthen us from the inside

out. My simple invitation in this book is for you to confess yourbrokenness in the context of your belovedness and yourblessedness—not just once but on an ongoing basis—and thento lead others as you have been led by God: in love.

By giving voice and words to your brokenness, you can indeedexperience the depth of soul and vitality of service you’ve longedfor, though it will most likely look much different from what youcould ever ask, dream or imagine today. Strength will emergeout of weakness—if you prayerfully submit all of yourself intrust to God. Best of all: the true you will emerge like neverbefore, as you become all that God intends.

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Terefore, let’s remember with gratefulness Paul’s paradoxi-

cal insights in Corinthians : - :“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfectin weakness.” Terefore I will boast all the more gladlyabout my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest onme. Tat is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses,in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. Forwhen I am weak, then I am strong.

God delights to welcome you with his loving embrace into acountercultural way of leading and following—from a brokenand redeemed heart overowing with humility, grace and love.Ten and only then will you be made whole.

T M E W

In the book of Corinthians, the apostle Paul writes lovingly anddirectly to a troubled and broken church and invites its leadersto allow God’s love to heal, redeem and transform them fromthe inside out. Paul speaks very specically into their broken-ness: divisions in the church, immorality among the brethren,lawsuits among believers, sexual immorality, inappropriate

understandings of marriage, food being sacriced to idols, pro-priety in worship and the Lord’s Supper, and exercising of spiri-tual gifts. He brings all of it out into the open, inviting the churchin Corinth to embrace its brokenness and lean fully into restora-tion, redemption and renewal. Only then will they becomehealthy and whole.

Te apex of Paul’s rst letter to the Corinthian church leadersis chapter . It is most often read at marriage ceremonies—andappropriately so, since the “love chapter” is chock full of wordsand phrases to be displayed in our marriages and homes—butPaul’s original intention was to invite the leaders and the entire

Introduction




community of faith in Corinth to live as one in Christ in this

“most excellent way.” Instead of competitively hyping or dis-regarding one another’s particular gifts to the fellowship andcontinuously living in a state of disunity, Paul urges them tomove beyond their differences into a harmony dened by love.

And now I will show you the most excellent way. . . . Loveis patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, itis not proud. It is not rude, it is not self- seeking, it is noteasily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does notdelight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love neverfails. . . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.But the greatest of these is love. ( Corinthians : , - , )

We will explore together the sixteen words or phrases Pauluses to describe the most excellent way of love (from Corinthians ), and we will look at the dark undersides of eachphrase to identify our propensity toward brokenness and weak-ness as distortions of God’s love. When we discover that God istruly and forever love, then our restoration and transformationprocess belongs solely to him. When we learn to surrender to

God as love and begin to live into his redemptive love, weembrace both our strengths and our brokenness and lead othersin a radically different way.

At the end of each chapter you will be encouraged to confess your own brokenness and engage in a soul audit that invites yourtruthful response. Here you will discover the value of time spentin self-reection, considering how best to “be still, and know thatI am God” (Psalm : ). And in this spacious place of stillness

you will know how, as Richard Meux Benson, founder of theSociety of Saint John the Evangelist, once said, “the Spiritaccommodates Himself to our littleness that we may expand to

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His greatness.” In that process you will begin to know yourself

and those you serve with a greater depth of insight and wisdom.In addition, you will be encouraged to prayerfully consider howGod is inviting you to assess your current ways of living in orderto embrace a new way of following Jesus and leading others in hisname.

Along the way I urge you to be gentle with your honesty, faith-ful in your authenticity and hopeful in your redemption. Te

confessions ahead of us will be good for our souls. Let’s leavebehind our hiding and hopelessness and enter the pathway tothe abundant life of Christian leadership and followership withprayerful anticipation and joyful expectation.

Introduction




- one -

Impatience Isn’t a Virtue

Love is patient and kind

I and ultimately dismantle my

patience. I tend to be easygoing, and I consider patience a traitevery leader should aspire to reect. At rare times, however, I’msurprised how short- fused I can become; I experience rsthandhow impatience can show my profound lack of virtue as a manafter God’s heart.

I can often be more patient with my colleagues than I am with

my family. Tose dearest to me tend to get the brunt of my impa-tience, mostly because they happen to be with me more fre-quently during the worst times of my day, when I’m more tiredand cranky, or because familiarity actually can at times breeddisdain and result in unkindness. However, it wasn’t very longago when I nearly lost my patience with a team I was leading. Ihad been betrayed by one of the members, and I was attemptingto resolve the issue as swiftly as possible—but to no avail.

Te betrayal came in the form of a misrepresentation of aconicting philosophy between another ministry leader and me.I was being accused of not being open- minded about alternative




personnel strategy and growth models. Even after meeting with

those involved, I was alone in my conviction about what wasmost appropriate.After seeking resolution on the matter several times, even

meeting one on one with my primary adversary, I sought thecounsel of others on the team. Tere was hesitancy in steppinginto the issue with me, even if they were in agreement with me.It was complicated by the fact that my primary antagonist was

involved in many other ministry settings and, further, that mychallenger was a ministry leader with a vested interest in a muchlarger, more prestigious organization.

Te particular team member who betrayed me had been along-standing advocate of my leadership. He had voiced wordsof encouragement on several occasions. In our shared leadershipexperiences that spanned a decade of effectiveness, there werecountless times where he publically affirmed my leadership. Butthis time he believed I had crossed the line. Tis time I disagreedwith the wrong person: one of his closest friends. And I wasconfronted bitterly, rebuked harshly.

And I lost my patience.Without much room to vent my frustration and inner anguish,

I kept reaching out to others for strength and support. My heartwas aching, my mind was confused, my work was affected andmy relationships began to suffer. Te very team I had spentoodles of time building was now beginning to splinter andunravel around the edges.

As a leader, I know this is serious stuff not to be avoided orbrushed aside for any reason. But this time, it seemed muchmore complicated, and it became one of the most difficult lead-ership challenges I had faced up to that time in my leadershipcareer. As my patience was tested and worn thin in this crucibleof community, I realized I was beginning to show signs of

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exhaustion and frustration in my interactions with others.

Questions from others that previously were rather innocent nowbecame laced with (unnecessarily and unintended) suspiciousand darker meaning. I became anxious and frustrated in a set-ting where I had previously been very much at home. In meet-ings and conversations I would allow myself to entertainunnecessary paranoia: What was she really getting at by thatcomment or question? It wasn’t pretty.

I sought the advice of a trained counselor. His concludingcomment at the end of our rst meeting together oored me:

“Te goal of our sessions will be for you to see this painful rela-tional experience as a gift from God.” I immediately thought he was the irrational one! Little did I realize at that moment, hiswas the comforting voice of the redeeming Lord Jesus Christwho would see to it that my impatience would be redeemed forGod’s glory. His words would eventually come true. o this dayI’m grateful for this incident. It forced me to come to grips withmy immature impatience and to see it as a weakness that couldonly be turned to strength by the grace and goodness of God.

Within months of that patience- trying season, I was thankingGod for the pain and suffering associated with what had been

an incredible disappointment and betrayal. As the love of Godbegan to ood my soul, I began to heal from the inside out. Teincident came to an abrupt end, thanks be to God. Te lessonsto be learned had begun to dig deeply into my consciousness.Much of the perceived betrayal and critique of me that ensuedhad kernels of truth for me to prayerfully consider. Te relation-ships were eventually healed and restored, although not to theirpre- conict state. Ultimately the experience made me a muchstronger leader.

My impatience had been curbed by the grace, love and mercyof God. Patience had been restored from the depth of my soul’s





well. I came to know experientially what “Love is patient” truly

means, but only by discovering that God himself is patient, andGod gently encourages me toward patience too. His patiencetoward me generated patience toward those who disappointedor disagreed with me. At the same time I discovered afresh that

“Love is kind,” and through God’s kindness I too can be both arecipient and dispenser of the kindness of God with those I amcalled to serve and lead. Te long-suffering love of God is what

enables me to be patient and kind as a leader.

L I P K

Patience and kindness go hand in glove. When the apostle Paulwas writing to the church in Corinth about the most excellentway of love, he begins, appropriately, with patience: love is patient.He similarly describes the evidence of the Spirit in the heart of abeliever as “patience” (Galatians : ) and encourages theirpatience amidst particular leadership challenges (Romans : ;

: ; Ephesians : - ; Tessalonians : ). Love is also kind. obe kind is to exhibit a grace toward another, and even to oneself,that exudes both warmth and protection. o do so is to offer anembrace of loving- kindness and fortication against any attack

that would seek to destroy love among others. Kindness is softand bold, merciful and strong, compassionate and courageous.

In the church in Corinth many issues were not appropriatelyaddressed due to a lack of kindness. Tese issues includedschisms in the church, false understandings of what ministrylooks like, intellectual pride, social issues, internal strife, sexualimmorality, marital troubles, lawsuits and idolatry, just to namea few. Paul faced being discredited and dishonored himself bythose who were leaders in the church, so he opens his heart anddiscloses his true motivations, spiritual passion and tender lovefor them. He does this with patience and kindness.

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Tere was no backing down for Paul; he fullled his role

among them with courageous determination, knowing the greatneed to preserve the church at all costs. Te changes that neededto be made would be a radical departure from the way they hadbeen addressing the issues.

Paul’s example of godly leadership in the midst of relationalstrife and worldliness is one we must pay attention to today inour respective lives, relationships and ministries. Like so many

others since biblical times, Paul was bold and dauntless in speak-ing directly into the impatient mean- spiritedness of the Corin-thians. He defended his role as an apostle among them, spoketruthfully and lovingly into each and every issue they were fac-ing, and invited them continuously and directly into a moreexcellent way—loving patience and kindness.

In Corinthians , Paul encourages the Corinthian believersto be united as a body and not only to appreciate each other’sspiritual gifts but also affirm the need for and importance ofeach gift. Celebrating one another can require a lot of patience.Since he knew of their propensity toward annoyance with oneanother and impatient irritation, he stresses the importance ofendurance and respect. He highlights the weaker members of

the body and deems the lesser ones of greater importance thanthe body parts that are most visible. In essence, he turns theirprevious way of being present in disunity upside down. Heencourages them instead to embrace a new way of serving oneanother and the immoral people of Corinth as the life- givingbody of Christ, in the most excellent way of love.

Tis way of encouraging them to be united as a body was abold invitation. Paul knew that the only way the gospel wouldbe advanced was through a united body. o try and accomplishall that was before them in such a pagan ministry setting in anyother way would not have worked. He knew that as Jesus prayed





for unity among his followers in John , so too would the church

in Corinth be healthy and vibrant only if they were one in Christ.He appeals to them for such unity and calls them to reignitetheir passion for the gospel message as appropriately manifestin their life together: in marriages, worship, leadership andthrough their generosity. His call was for an open handed way ofliving and being the people of God.

A patient exhibition of kindness is the call of God on all who

claim his name and embrace his mission. But when push comesto shove (guratively and even literally at times), since we aresinful, mortal humans, we don’t always lean in that direction.Instead, we more naturally default to the spirit of impatientmeanness. Are you willing to own your occasional propensitytoward such meanness, whether mild or harsh, voiced or merelythought? What about when a frustration, anxiety or fear emergesfrom within and is acted out toward others in unusuallyirra tional ways?

Patient love comes only from God. We cannot muster up orwill ourselves to patience. God has expressed patience to us overand over and over again. So who else to turn to when we’re inneed of patience but God?

If I had trusted in God’s patience in the leadership scenarioabove, I would have saved myself and others so much unneces-sary pain. My impatience trumped God’s patience. I was moredetermined to be right than to be patiently molded more intoGod’s righteousness. Had I invited God’s patient love to ow inand through me, the circumstances would have been dramati-cally different. Instead, I focused on my indignant need to beright, and it took months (instead of moments) for that to becorrected. Kindness would have gone a long way toward mitigat-ing my impatience, and a lot of unnecessary relational damagecould have been avoided.

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I P K

Tere are endless options for how leaders are tested in theirpatience. Consider how your relationships, responsibilities,temperament and circumstances within or outside of your con-trol affect your personal patience quotient. What category tapsinto your own impatient leanings?

Some leaders nd that family relationships are the most chal-lenging. Impatience can emerge among spouses, with parents,between siblings, toward children and in what can appear to beendless numbers of potential extended family squabbles. alk toany leader today and you’ll soon discover brokenness and at leastone deeply painful family relationship, the ripple effects ofwhich can sour their service to others.

Your team is another environment for potential conict and

resulting impatience. eams are the place where leaders interactmost intimately within their particular context of service and rela-tional connection. eams can either be united or divided, life-givingor life-draining, effective or stalled. Learning how best to lead ahealthy team with patience and kindness is the nest antidote to achallenging team experience. As the leader goes, so goes the team.

Some leaders nd that individuals the team is serving can alsoproduce a spirit of impatience. A leader doesn’t generally have asay over who will receive the services provided by one’s team.Terefore, challenging personalities will ultimately come theway of a leader and can cause her to respond in ways that aren’talways appropriate. Impatience can emerge rather quickly for aleader when faced with such people. We all have difficult per-sonalities in our orbit; how do you deal with them and theaccompanying brokenness they carry?

Leaders who have responsibilities that don’t always matchtheir gifts or passion can become impatient with the work before





them. Examples of this include writing reports when one feels

inadequate to do so or dealing with a conict one isn’t equippedto handle or drawing up a budget when one is not good withnumbers. In these situations leaders can easily exhibit impa-tience with themselves. What are the tasks within your jobdescription that elicit impatience from or toward yourself?

Leaders’ temperament and the temperament of those withwhom they serve can elicit impatience, for reasons often

unknown to those involved. It’s helpful when leaders have agood handle on their own personality strengths and tempera-ment and knows these aspects of the people on their team aswell. However, there are many times when even a baselineknowledge of temperament doesn’t hinder an impatient response.

Adding complexity to our relationships, responsibilities andtemperament are the circumstances within or beyond a leader’scontrol. When, for example, there are mechanical difficultieswith microphones, lights, audio- visual equipment or technologyduring a meeting or presentation, impatience can quicklyemerge. Or when there is a crisis in one’s larger community con-text that hinders one’s work (such as extreme inclement weatherconditions or an economic downturn across the nation), choos-

ing a patient response can be difficult for many leaders.Along with the broader circumstances that surround leaders

are the personal life situations they have experienced. We aresuch complex individuals, with a mixture of broken experiencesthat have formed and shaped our current internal condition.Our hearts and souls are affected by the heartaches and painfulexperiences of life. We’re also shaped by the happier highlightsof our lives that feed our gratitude quotient for the many bless-ings God has so generously bestowed upon us. Both the personalcircumstances and those that are beyond our control can anddo hinder our ability to lead. Having a healthy awareness of our

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authentic reality—the good, the bad and the ugly—remains the

best starting point for the way forward.What would it look like for patience and kindness to reside in your heart and be restored in your life today?

First, consider what arouses a mean- spirited response fromwithin. Most likely the reason for such a reply is far deeper thanthe immediate situation and potentially something that’s beenignored for a very long time. When I sense such a comebackemerging in me, it is tied to an attitude or action that has longbeen troublesome to my heart and soul. Usually it stems from afeeling of being slighted or taken for granted or, worse yet, beingdisregarded, dismissed or ignored. An unkind response cancome from all sorts of places in our hearts and is often con-nected to a wound that’s yet to be healed.

Ironically, it’s often the “disease of niceness” that allows forsuch meanness to occur in the rst place. When ungodly behav-iors and activities are initially encountered, where is the disci-pline to put a stop to them immediately? More times than wecare to admit, a fear of hurting someone’s feelings keeps us fromtruth telling and trust building in many leadership and rela-

tional contexts. We have come to believe, for whatever reason,that “it’s not nice” to confront or discipline another. But whenmeanness is allowed to continue behind the scenes and even outin the open, others allow their own humanity to emerge, con-tributing to relational destruction as well. Instead of defaultingto grace and kindness, which includes a little strictness in orderto safeguard love in the community of faith, they default to amore sinful posture of self- centered mean- spiritedness. Andthat produces a downward spiral and a complex mess that fartoo often is simply swept under the rug—the cause of ongoingconict, which occurs in far too many settings.





Certain tones of voice can evoke an unpleasant response.

ones of anger or frustration, indignation or anxiety, evenuncertainty and doubt can cause us to be tripped up. Pettiness, vulgarity and small mindedness convey meanness that to manyis untenable. Listening to gossip and envy, displayed in pettyconversation, tends to hurt all who participate. Vulgarity is sim-ply embarrassing and disgusting, but amazingly can reproduceitself quite quickly if left unchecked by those in earshot of such

words. Small mindedness comes out in judgmental attitudesfrom those who are usually the most grossly uninformed. Tepower of words and phrases used inappropriately can bring outa mean streak that’s not only visible but audible and, as a result,can cause damaging relational collateral.

Being ostracized, bullied or mistreated by others are yet moreforms of meanness among people. Unfortunately, the Christiancommunity is not exempt. Social media and new social morescan provoke such bullying, which can lead to feelings of insecu-rity. Who is guarding the hearts of adults who are experiencingthis kind of ostracism and exclusion? Such mistreatment seemslike it’s become epidemic today, and Christian families, churchesand ministry teams often nd themselves in these traumatizing

situations.Injustice toward a weaker member of society is another form

of mean- spiritedness. It’s amazing to observe how oftenresponses to injustice mirror the mean- spiritedness of the per-petrator. We must be careful to respond with loving- kindnessand avoid escalating the injustice we are seeking to resolve.

Unwillingness to come to the table and reconcile and forgiveis another form of mean- spiritedness. When a person is invitedto participate in restoring brokenness and refuses to do so, thatcan be interpreted as a form of relational injustice. Te work ofreconciliation is hard enough, but to have someone unwilling to

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engage in that effort breeds a spirit of unkindness that is cancer-

ous. oo many marriages, families, churches, workplaces andministries are strapped with this unfortunate reality. Leadersneed to do everything possible to be reconcilers and restorers of justice, beginning with their own roles and responsibilities.

Outright meanness and malevolence can bring forth unkind-ness in return. Avoiding such a retort requires discipline fromwithin; it can’t always be controlled by legislating change or

demanding a different way of being present with one another.Frankly, the only way kindness can be restored is through thelove of God, specically the kind love of God.

Within the body of Christ, kindness is best exhibited inhealthy relationships. Terefore, the gifts that accompany hos-

pitality go a long way toward the cultivation of hearts and livesthat offer and receive a genuine and welcoming spirit of inclu-sion. When we create such an atmosphere, we discover the joyof spiritual friendship that provokes kindness and goodnesswithin us and in our relationships. In the context of communitywe are given multiple opportunities to lead others into relationaland emotional vitality; this includes both the ways we build rela-tionships and the ways we maintain relationships, even when

sternness is needed to resolve conict.So, regardless of the list of items that can induce an impatient

response, what is God’s invitation for his leaders today? As notedby the apostle Paul, it’s best to befriend our impatience and lookat it prayerfully, seeking to understand why impatience and mean-spiritedness were the response. Selecting a more patient and gra-cious reply will bring our leadership back to the center and restorea harmonious climate. rusting the God of patient love to equipus with patient love is the best way forward—and the most reli-able. Patient love matched with kindness resembles God muchmore than the alternatives we inadvertently select on our own.





Spiritual Leadership Audit

Restoring Patience and KindnessCreating sacred space to reect on the concepts developed inthis chapter will aid your ability to own your brokenness andrecall the times when impatience or unkindness emerged in

your heart and was expressed with your attitudes, words oractions. ake some time in prayer to reect on the chapter

you’ve just read. When the apostle Paul reminds his readers that“love is patient” and “love is kind,” we need to pay attention toour immediate or internal response. What is your heart inclinedtoward when impatient mean- spiritedness is demonstrated byothers or emerges from within you? Don’t glide over these ques-tions too quickly; invest in a few moments of quiet reectionusing the questions and texts below to guide you into patienceand kindness by the God of patient loving- kindness.

Confess your brokenness: Naming your brokenness andowning it as a present reality.

In what way(s) have you found yourself impatient or mean-spirited, or experienced impatience or mean- spiritednessfrom another, most recently?

Consider prayerfully the details of this experience and recountthem here.

Rest and trust in God’s abiding presence and peace: Asking for God’s patience and kindness to be revealed and released from within your soul.

Hopeful in Scripture: Consider prayerfully James : - , and invite

God to reveal his patient intention for you. Ten read Ephesians: - to reveal his intention for you to be kind to others.

Faithful in prayer: Inquire of the Lord in regard to a specicperson, responsibility, temperament or circumstance that

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evokes your impatience or mean- spiritedness, and seek his

wisdom for offering a more patient and kind response. Is therereconciliation needed?

Tankful in reection: Identify with more detail and in prayer-ful contemplation how you plan to develop a more patient andkind disposition under the loving hand and fresh empower-ment of God’s Spirit.

Invite God to redeem your brokenness: Restoring God’s lov-ing patience and kindness in you. Attending to our impatienceand mean- spiritedness and intending instead to embody God’spatience and loving- kindness:

Identify ways you have reverted to impatience (or mean-spiritedness) as a reaction to the person, responsibility or cir-cumstance that most often provokes you. What do you notice?

o whom and for what must you apologize today?

Consider afresh the importance of Sabbath rest and the impli-cations for rest as it relates to your impatience. When has Godever been in a rush to create or re- create something or some-one of beauty? As you cease your normal workweek activities,rest in a quiet and reective way, celebrate your life in God and

community, and embrace your identity in Christ, how will thissoften your heart and allow patience to emerge? Adrenaline-free rest may be the best choice for an impatient soul.

Reect on the signicance of spiritual friendship and theimplications for developing godly community as it relates to your need for the kindness of God. How is his loving- kindness

residing deep within your heart and soul even today? Howcould you receive and/or express loving- kindness proactivelyto one of your spiritual friends today? How can you exhibitGod’s loving- kindness toward all who cross your path today?





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