A Guide to Pipe Smoking bySomeone Who Owns a Pipe

Bret Hammond

To my dear friends Dave, Dave and Dave. And—someonewithout whom this would not have been possible—Dave.

A Word to the ForeFirst things first, let me say this: I

didn’t write the book.I guess I just wanted to seem like a bigshot.Y’know, make it look like I’ve actuallyaccomplished something, but the sad fact is I stolepretty much this whole thing. I stole theillustrations, I stole the text, I even stole the pipe Iwas smoking on the cover. God help me, I’mpathetic.I mean, it’s not like I couldn’t write a book likethis, I’ve been messing around with pipes for awhile now, I think I know what I’m doing, I thinkI could probably give someone SOME advice onhow to smoke one. It’s just that I haven’t hadenough time, I’ve been pretty busy. Then there’sbeen the whole chronic fatigue syndrome thing.Dog gone it! I could go on my whole life makingthese excuses or I could go out there and DOsomething with my life! Y’know, I probablycould write this book! In fact, I’m going to scrapthe whole stolen book idea and crank this babyout! I’m even gonna buy my own pipe for thecover!Happy puffing!

BretP.S. Actually, I still stole a lot of stuff. Bite me,like YOU could have written this!

The Pipe Smoking ExperienceFrom Picking to Packing toPuffing to . . . Ummm . . .Uuuhhhhhh . . Popping? Idunno, make it up yourself!

o, you’ve decided to get a pipe, huh? Or,perhaps more appropriately, someone hasgotten sick of your stinky nasty cigars andhas decided you need a pipe. Yeah, that’sprobably the case anyway.

First of all, don’t fool yourself—one pipewill NOT do. You need more. You will not behappy until you own at least one pipe for everyday for the rest of your life. This will be difficult,so it’s best you get started right away.

More to the point, your pipes need to rest.If you smoke them every single day they’ll get wetand then they’ll start to taste sour and then youhave to do this special pipe treatment thing and letthem rest even longer. This can be a very long andannoying process, but actually, it makes for a greatstory when your wife asks you why you need somany dang pipes.

Building a pipe collection takes time andmoney, but there are a few things you can do thatcan save you a bit of money. Of course, when Isay “save” I actually mean “spend less,” much like

when your wife says, “but honey, it was $20 off, ISAVED $20!!”

1. Buy Corncob Pipes. Yep, you’ll looklike a hillbilly, but if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.The fact is, there are a lot of pipe tobaccos outthere and some of them can make your pipe tasteNAAASTY. Smoking a corncob lets you try outdifferent tobaccos without the hassle and worry ofscrewing up a pipe. They also don’t require anyreal break-in period and did I mention they’reCHEAP? Yep, about $3.00 or so. So, buy acouple of them. Just don’t smoke them in public,Jethro.

2. Estate Pipes. “Estate” is a fancy way ofsaying “someone else has sucked on this.” Now,while that might be a problem in some areas ofsociety, it really works out well in pipe smoking.Your local pipe-dude (also called a kapnismologistby people who aren’t afraid of mispronouncing bigwords) probably has a large stock of pre-ownedpipes that have been cleaned and recondition andare ready to sell. For the price of one of thosecrappy Dr. Grabow’s you’d buy at Walmart, youcan get a nice pipe that’s already broken in andready to go.

Stick THIS in Your Pipe andSmoke It!

ow it’s time to pick out your tobacco.The type of tobacco your smoke cansay a lot about you—everything from“I’m contemplative” to “I’madventurous” to “I shop at gas

stations.”There are a lot of tobaccos out there and sooner orlater you’ll try almost all of them. You’ll findsome you absolutely hate and others that taste theway silk feels. There are a few things you shouldknow about the different types of smokes out therebefore you buy them.

Aromatics. These babies smell the wayyou think pipe tobacco is supposed to smell.They’ve been cased (meaning “sprayed) withflavors that make them pretty dang tasty. It canalso make them moist and goopy, meaning you’llneed to use a lot of pipe cleaners to get thesesmoked down. One of the best ones out there isLanes 1Q. One friend of mine says it’s better thansex, but I just think he’s not doing it right(smoking, I mean).

Latakia. The first time you smell this stuffyou’ll be reminded of the bottom of the closets inyour grandma’s house. I’d stay away from thehigh percentage latakia for a while. Go withsomething nice and mild. Dunhill’s My Mixture965 is good.

(Ok, so I got really bored writing about the rest ofthese types and stole the descriptions from theFAQ at www.pipes.org. They’re pretty dang goodat this)

Cavendish. A term with a variety ofmeanings. Generally, a cavendish is "sweetened"in some way, either by a processing technique orby additives, or both.

Burley. A low-sugar, high nicotine, slow-burning tobacco with little flavor of its own,burley is often used as a base for aromatics or tomodify the burning characteristics of a naturalblend.

Orientals. By definition, "Orientals" arethose tobaccos indigenous to the Near East,including the various "Turkish" tobaccos andlatakia. An "Oriental blend" contains at least oneand often several of these tobaccos.

Perique (pronounced puh-REEK). Another"spice" tobacco grown only in St. James Parish,Louisiana. Perique is subjected to extremepressure and is allowed to ferment as it is cured,which results in a very potent, distinctive tobacco.Like cayenne pepper, a little goes a long way.

Turkish. Any of a number of tobaccosgrown in numerous locales throughout the easternMediterranean region. Common "Turkish"varieties include Basma, Smyrna, Xanthi, Samsun,Izmir, Drama, and Yenidje. Generally, these namesare derived from the region in which they aregrown.

Virginia. Despite the name, Virginias are grownin numerous locales. There are several varieties ofVirginias, but all are characterized a relativelyhigh sugar content. Virginias are often used as thebase tobacco in blends, but they are smoked"straight" as well. Straight Virginias undergochanges in flavor as they age, similar to finewines. Lighter in body than Oriental blends, theyhave a subtle complexity of flavor that makesthem a favorite of many experienced smokers.How you store your tobacco is as important as thekind of tobacco you buy. You’ll be tempted tospend big bucks on humidors and leather pouchesand that’s fine because you’re a bigshot anyway,right? But, if you can’t get around to it yet, thoseziplock baggies your tobacconist uses work justfine. I also like those glass jars with the rubberseals, you can get them cheap at Walmart. Themain thing is keep your tobacco moist—but nottoo moist. Most people go with what they call the“pinch test.” Squeeze some between your fingers:if it springs back, you’re doing great, if it stayssquished, it’s too wet (leave it out in the open for acouple of hours), if it crumbles it’s too dry (spritsit with some distilled water and seal it up in itsbaggy/jar/humidor).

Take the Tobbacy TestThe following is a list of pipe tobaccos—or isit?!?!?!I’ve thrown in several different blend names alongwith a few that I’ve made up, see if you can decidewhich is which.

Real Made Up1. Frog Morton2. Scraps O’ Virginia Slims3. And So To Bed4. Floor Sweepinz5. Independence6. Escudo7. Escalator8. Frog Jimmy9. Three Nuns10. A Priest, a Rabbi and

Jimmy Swaggart

Answers:2,4,7,8and10weremadeup,whichmeans,yep,youCANsmokesomethingcalled“FrogMorton.”

Proper Pipe Packing forPleasurable Puffing

moking a pipe is not just a matter ofstuffing some crumbled up leaves into apipe and lighting up. If it were that easyanyone could do it. Now, here’s an easy to

remember method of packing your pipe thatanyone can do!Step 1 Lightly crumble your tobacco into yourpipe, filling it to overflow. Gently but firmly pushthe tobacco down until your bowl is half full.Give it the suck test, make sure you have a gooddraw. It should be as easy to suck as simplysucking air.Step 2 Once again, fill your pipe up, justoverflowing. Press down again, tamping yourpipe down to about 2/3 of the way full this time.Still suck ok?Step 3 Overflow the pipe again, and then pressdown to fill the pipe flush with the rim. By thistime, the draw on your pipe should be about thesame as sucking a drink through a straw.Also, make sure your tobacco stays “springy” inthe bowl. Give it a little push, make sure it popsback up at you. If you do this right, you’ll have agood smoke all the way through, if you screw upit’ll be like trying to suck a baseball through acoffee stirrer.

Stuff You’ll Need to Own ForPipe Smoking

(I mean, other than a pipe)ipe smoking isn’t like cigarette smoking.I mean, with cigarettes you just stop bythe 7 11 and pick up a box of Luckys anda Bic lighter and puff away. Pipe

smoking is more like a job. You’re going to needcertain tools to do it right. I maintain that this iswhy pipe smoking has never really caught on withwomen. Well, that and the whole Mammy Yokummotif.

A Tamper. A tamper is an object usedto . . . well . .tamp. From time to time it will benecessary to push the burnt tobacco down a bit(this makes the tobacco burn cooler and moreconsistent). You’ll use a tamper pretty often, soget used to carrying one with you. By the way,you’ll be tempted to just use a common everydaynail as a tamper substitute but be warned—youMUST have an expensive professionally madetamper to be truly happy!

Pipe Cleaners. Don’t make the mistake ofbelieving these are just for after-smoke cleaning.You’ll need to run them down the stem severaltimes during your smoke to keep your pipe dry.They’re also great for little craft projects butlisten, even Martha Stewart wouldn’t make asnowman out of a USED one!

A Lighter. All pipe smokers will tell youthat the best thing to light your pipe with is awooden match. This is true, this is the gospelaccording to Dunhill, but it’s also probablyimpractical. The problem is, you’re going to gothrough a box of matches a week, which amountsto about 75 acres of Brazilian rainforest. Do theearth a favor and buy a Zippo. There are moreexpensive lighters and some of them are better, buteveryone loves Zippo, right? Just make sure youlet it burn a few seconds before lighting your pipeor you’ll be enjoying the great flavor of naphtha.

There’s a whole world of other stuff you’llprobably end up wanting: leather tobacco pouches,humidors, pipe rests, pipe racks and —ofcourse—pipes. You’ll figure out which of thesereally fit your needs and budget and then make dowith what you can afford.

The moment a man takes up a pipe he becomes aphilosopher. It's a poor man's friend. It calms the mind,

soothes the temper, and makes a man patient underdifficulties. It has made more good men, good husbands,kind masters, indulgent fathers, than any other thing on

this blessed earth."

—Thomas Chandler Haliburton

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Light It Up, Big Boyou’ve got your pipe, you’ve got yourtobacco, you’ve got your tobaccoproperly loaded into your pipe. Allthat’s left is the basic element that

separates man from beast. The servant of thelowliest savage and the greatest, highest poofiestmuckity-muck alike. FIRE.

The first step will be to actually have thepipe in your mouth before you light it. This goeswithout saying, but I felt it necessary to say itanyway. Pipe lighting is NOT cigarette or cigarlighting. This is a delicate ballet between man andfire that will require astute attention and carefulchoreography. You’re likely going to makeyourself cross-eyed the first couple of times youtry it!

With the pipe clenched betwixt your teeth,light your match, lighter or other open flamesource. Place it above your pipe. I say above!Do not touch the flame to the pipe. Your pipe ismade out of wood! Are you NUTS?!?! You’llburn it!!!!

Gently suck, pulling the flame down intothe pipe’s bowl. While doing this, circulate thematch or lighter, hovering it in circles over thebowl.

Once the pipe is lit, give it 6 to 10 gentledraws. Then, gently take your tamper and pressthe tobacco back down into the bowl and let thepipe go out.

HA HA! You thought you were done, didn’tyou?!?! Not so fast, Speedy, you’ve onlycompleted what’s called “the charring light.” It’sonly the first step in enjoying your pipe. And youthought you were so big, didn’t you, MR. PIPESMOKER!

The charring light is necessary to providethe rest of the tobacco with a nice even layer ofash. Don’t tamp it down too much, the idea hereis just to sort of smear it around. Imagine the ashas an air filter that’s going to make the rest of thesmoke with a nice and cool. You get the idea.

Now, re-light and puff. Remember, the ideawith a pipe is that you go slow, sipping the smokerather than devouring it like a nicotine crazedcigarette jockey. Plan on re-lighting often—infact, make sure the pipe doesn’t get too hot. If itfeels so hot that you’re not comfortable holding it,sit it down and let it rest a bit. Re-light and tryagain.

They say the best pipe is the one that’salways on the verge of going out. Don’t count ofthis being your experience the first time you suckon one of these things. It takes time. I think Isucked my first bowl down in about 30 minutes.Now, it often takes me twice as long to finish apipe. Imagine a cigarette taking that long! Y’see,when viewed that way, you can’t afford NOT tosmoke a pipe!

While You’re Puffing . . .

Pay attention to the heat. If the pipe starts to gettoo hot, slow down a bit. You’re not in a hurry,you’re a pipe smoker!Hear that gurgle? After a while, your pipe willmake a few noises, sorta sound like someone’sfrying bacon. When this happens, run a pipecleaner down the stem. Expect to see some nastybrown stuff, we call it sauce. Sounds lovely, huh?Notice the flavor. Do you notice it? If not,you’re going too fast. Slow down. Try this:lightly puff back through the pipe a time or two.This seems to help concentrate the flavorsometimes. Nice?Tamp that ash. Tamp early and tamp often.Keep the ash spread out over the top. Is your ashwhite? Then you’re doing it right!Blow a smoke ring. What, you don’t know howto blow a smoke ring? Well, they take time andpractice. Lucky for you, you’re a pipe smokernow! You’re going to have about an hour to getthose rings down pat!

When You’re Done . . .fter a while, you’ll try to light yourpipe again, and it simply won’tsmoke—you’ve finished your bowl.When it finally happens you’ll be sad.

It’ll be like saying “goodbye” to an old friend. Itcould also be like saying hello to an ashtray inyour mouth if you’re not careful! Don’t make themistake of sucking HARD on that last puff—believe me, I know what I’m talking about!

When you finish the pipe, run your pipecleaner back down the stem and leave it there.Rest your pipe somewhere with the bowl down. Ifyou don’t have a proper pipe rack you can make asubstitute out of someone else’s pipe rack. Simplysteal it when they aren’t looking.

Allow the pipe to rest about an hour beforecleaning it. Then, remove the cleaner and bend itinto a U shape. Give it a few good twists in yourbowl to get the loose ash out. Do this with one ortwo pipe cleaners, and running them down thestem again a few times to make sure the airwayisn’t blocked. Then, set your pipe aside to dry.This can take a while . . . did you buy any morepipes yet?

Mmmmm, Cake

ne real big mistake you can make iscleaning your pipe too much. Pipes,like good Chinese woks and wienerdogs, do NOT need to be scrubbed.

For your pipe to smoke well, you’ll need to allowit to build up a good amount of “cake” on theinside of the bowl (that’s the black stuff thechimney sweeps are covered with).

A good rule of thumb is to allow the cake toget as thick as a dime (hopefully you haven’t spentall your money on pipes and have actually saved adime somewhere).

By the way, some new pipes come with a“pre-cake” build-up that helps ease the break-inperiod. But others come without any cake and canbite and taste bad. I’d explain how to fix that, butchances are you can’t afford a new pipe anyway.

If the cake gets too thick—whooah, that canbe trouble too! You can crack the pipe! Makesure to trim the cake back when it gets too thick.This can be done with either a pocket knife,sandpaper wrapped around a dowel rod, or a toolcalled a “reamer.”

I’ll let you do your own reamer joke.

Basic Pipe ShapesPipes come in a variety of shapes. Here is a list of

the basics

Basic Pipe Smoker ShapesOn the other hand, pipe smokers come in two

basic shapes

Why Does My Tongue Hurt?

rom time to time you’ll notice a nastyburning feeling on your tongue. This iscalled “tongue bite” for reasons that willbecome obvious to you. What causes it?

Well, there can be several sources:1. Smoking too wet. Your tobacco is much toomoist. Let it air out for a few hours and use morepipe cleaners.2. Smoking too hot. Remember, take it slow,keep the fire down to a bare smolder.3. Smoking too little. Tongue bite often happensto people who are new to the pipe. You justhaven’t built up a good tongue callus. Keepsmoking until lemon meringue tastes likecardboard.

Another thing that helps ward off tonguebite is to keep a nice, cool drink next to you.Personally I like Vernors ginger ale, but somepeople like a cup of coffee or tea or juices—fermented juices, if you know what I mean.

Also, you’d be amazed just how much gooda nice glass of milk will do you after a smoke.

A Few Final Caveats1. Never take your pipe apart while it’s still hot oreven just warm. Wait at least an hour beforetaking it apart (by the way, no one says you haveto take it apart anyway).2. If your pipe gets too hot, just put it down for awhile. A good way to tell if your pipe is too hot isto lay the bowl against your cheek. If it sticks, it’stoo hot.3. Rest your pipe for at least a day betweensmokings. Otherwise your pipe will get too wetand then it can crack. That’s not good.4. Keep a pipe cleaner in your pipe after eachsmoke. It’ll sop up all the nasty stuff.5. Never ever EVER inhale pipe smoke—unlessyou really really REALLY have to.

For Further Information about pipes and pipesmoking, check out www.pipes.org on the web, orgo to your local library and look for The UltimatePipe Book by Richard Hacker, or look for Pipesand Tobaccos magazine at your local newsstand,or just play around with your pipe until you stoptasting charcoal.