Breaking Up With Misery.pdf

8/9/2019 Breaking Up With Misery.pdf

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BREAKINGUP

WITHMISERY

natasha akery

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For me.

This book is for me.

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This work is uncopyrighted.

That means you can use i t however you

want, and send it to whoever you want.

You can print it out, make copies, and give

them away as Christmas gi f ts .

You can use the words for a song. Send me a

copy.

Dont worry about getting my permission.

If you want to thank me, just tel l people

how awesome I am.

Just kidding.

Sort of .

:)

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Introduction 5

Misery 6Acceptance 10

Definitions 12

Presence 16

Expectations 20

Control 23

Action 26

In 29

Out 34

Body 38Mind 41

Heart 45

Go 48

Acknowledgments 50

About the Author 51

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Introduction

We al l experience misery from time to t ime,

but there are some of us that grow attached

to it .

Misery becomes our constant companion; i t

f i l ls our conversations and rewires our

brains to see only the negative and overlookthe positive.

Over time, we notice that our social circles

thin out. People excuse themselves from the

table when we start our diatribe. We

overwhelm others with our painfully honestanswers to the question, How are you?

Very soon, we become sel f-conscious and

our misery is reinforced . We begin to avoid

meeting new people or engaging with

friends because we dont have anything

positive to say. It s a vicious cycle, how

misery begets misery.

We feel alone, and then we end up alone.

But we dont have to be. We just have to be

wil l ing to break up with misery.

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Misery

Misery is the bad relationship you stay in

for way too long. Despite how awful i t is ,

staying makes you feel special . Staying

makes you feel wanted.

Staying means you get used to things that

you shouldnt : the constant stress, the

chronic worry, low self-esteem, and

diminishing self-worth. Misery can cause us

to forget that l i fe is worth l iving and that

good things happen all the time. We lose

track of the present because were e i ther

stuck in the past or anxious about thefuture.

Continuing the metaphor, acquaintances

usual ly avoid having a conversation with

you about your awful relationship with

misery. Instead, i t s a topic of discussion

when youre not around, everyone hoping

that you wil l eventually move on to better

things. Sometimes, family members and

close friends wil l muster up the courage to

confront you about it , but too often we ar e

so steeped that we fai l to see the obvious.

Were in denial .

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Misery has a way of holding us prisoner

because we simply dont know any better.

There s a saying, Theyre doing the best

they can with what they ve got, and i t s

absolutely true. If we truly knew what was

best for us, we would choose i t a l l the t ime

and every t ime. I f we knew that there s more

to l i fe than misery, wed leave it in a

heartbeat.

Sometimes, we grow so accustomed to our

misery, that we start to think i t s not so bad

and enacting any sort of change wil l only

stir the pot. Were not wi l l ing to run the

risk of even worse c ircumstances. We think

to ourselves, I have this under control and

it s manageable . I know what to expect, and

that s better than not knowing.

And then there are those of us who have

tried. There are those of us who have fought

the good f ight, have prayed every prayer,taken every mood-enhancing drug. There

are those of us who have meditated,

changed our diets, read every self-help

book. Weve exercised and seen therapists .

Weve done our very best .

But misery wont let go. It fol lows us l ike a

shadow.

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Depression is a serious mental i l lness that

affects mill ions of people. Misery, on the

other hand, is a choice - a l i festyle. It

creeps into our l ives as one or two poor

choices, but then becomes a habit too hard

to break without considerable effort.

It s hard to open up to people about our

misery, especially when it seem s to be al l wetalk or think about. There s a shame that

starts to fester when we look at the l ives of

others and see joy, blessing, and success.

We notice the look of pity on someones face

when were honest about our misery. And

it s almost unbearable when people say, I

just dont understand why you cant be

happy.

We dont either.

You need to be more positive.

You need to look on the bright side.

You need to get outside more.

You need to get a new job.

You need to relax.

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You need to be grateful for what you hav e.

You need to

Weve heard it al l , havent we? It s no

wonder we start turning inward more and

more. Nobody gets itexcept us.

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Acceptance

When we are used to misery, we have no

trouble accepting that i t s a part of our

lives. The real challenge is accepting that

i t s not the only part .

We stay stuck in our misery usual ly because

we have forgotten that there are things to be

joyful about. Sometimes, i t s not that weve

forgotten, but that were unwill ing to

consider that joy is possible. The bad stuff

outweighs the good. The l itt l e things to be

happy about dont measu re up to the big

things that have broken us.

If we want to be free, we have to be wil l ing

to accept the truth.

If we want to break up with misery, we have

to be wil l ing to accept that miser y and joy

both have a place in our l ives.

Acceptance isnt giving up. I t is the act of

embracing every card that l i fe deals us,

good or bad. Acceptance is something that

you do every day, every hour, every

moment, and every breath. One of thebiggest barriers to acceptance is being

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dependent on the idea of duality, which

means seeing the world as black and white ,

right and wrong. Duality is the belief that

there is good and evi l . This isnt necessari ly

a bad thing to believe, but it can get in the

way of our progress, particularly i f we are

adept at identifying the negative.

Duality makes us feel entitled. We think toourselves, This isnt r ight! I dont deserve

this! Or I work so hard and I m a good

person, but bad things st i l l happen to me.

Duality conditions us to believe that we

should have some sort of control over what

happens in our l ives. Duality tricks us into

thinking that we only deserve the good and

the right.

But the rain fal ls and the sun shines on us

al l .

When we move away from entit lement andstep into acceptance, we are abl e to say to

ourselves, Good things and bad things

happen every day to everyone. All I can do

is make the most of i t al l . It doesnt mean

we dont get discouraged or sad sometimes,

but it does mean that we are wil l ing toredefine misery and joy.

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Definitions

When we l ive in a constant state of misery,

we fal l v ict im to over-classi fying. Init ial ly,

only the big stuff was misera ble l ike a car

accident or losing a job. Over t ime, we start

to become afraid of what wil l happen in th e

future and anticipate misery. The

anticipation causes us to lump anything that

causes the sl ightest discomfort into the

misery category.

Out of milk.

Long l ine at the grocery store.

Cut off in traff ic.

Phone battery died.

Rent went up.

Cable s out.

No wi-fi .

These are definitely inconveniences, but we

shouldnt give them so much power as tomake us miserable. The only way to counter

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our negative perspective is to reconsider

what misery actually feels l ike, and to be

wil l ing to f ind joy in unlikely places.

Misery is discomfort in mind, body, and

spiri t . That means we have to raise our pain

threshold a l i tt le bit . It s just l ike exercise.

The f irst t ime you do ten pushups , you feel

l ike your shoulders are going to pop thenext day. But then you do the pushups

again, and again, and again unti l ten

pushups is a piece of cake. The discomfort

goes down, and you build streng th in the

process.

When inconveniences and unfortunate

events take place, inst ead of hopping on the

bus to Whiney Town, use them as

opportunities to overcome. You dont have

to add them to your l ist of grievances .

Instead, you can place them on your l is t of

opportunities for character building.

The best way to get rid of an undesira ble

habit is to replace it with a desirab le one.

It s not enough to just stop thinking that

everything is miserable. We have to begin

recognizing that there is joy and goodnessto be found in every circumstance, no

matter how bleak. Let s revisi t our l ist .

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Out of milk.

Good excuse to get out of the house!

Long l ine at the grocery store.

Finally, a l i tt le t ime to relax and not

rush off anywhere.

Cut off in traff ic.

A great reminder to be more aware ofmy surroundings.

Phone battery died.

I seriously dont need to pull up

Instagram again.

Rent went up.

An opportunity to cut out excess and

reduce fr ivolous spending.

Cable s out.

I could use a l i tt le exercise anyway.

No wi-fi .

Time to unplug and unwind. Where s

that book I ve been wanting to read?

These are positive perspectives to have in

frustrating si tuations, but what about actualjoy? The word is typically reserved for

extraordinary and sacred events l ike the

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birth of a chi ld or a promotion. But just l ike

we became accustomed to identi fying l i tt le

annoyances as miserable c ircumstances, we

can start to see that there are perpetual

opportunities for joy.

Waking up in bed with a roof over your

head.

A nice hot shower.

The crisp feeling of morning when you st ep

outside.

Zero obligations to be anywhere else or do

anything when youre in the waiting room.

Your favorite show on a Sunday night.

Your child wanting to snuggle.

Catching happy hour with some friends.

We need to recognize l i t t le things l ike these

as opportunities for joy, but the only way we

can do that is i f we are present when they

occur. The nature of misery is being rooted

in the past and in the future. The nature ofjoy is being grounded in what is happening

right now.

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Presence

We can fal l prey to the assumption that

rehashing the past and focusing on the

future makes us productive and focused.

Unfortunately, the opposite is usually true.

That s not to say that we cant learn from

what s happened, or that we shouldnt plan

ahead. But when our minds constantly

detach from the present moment, we forget

that where we are now is just as vi tal as

where weve been and where were headed.

Theres a practice called mindful walking,

and it is the act of paying attention to yourphysical sensations and immediate

surroundings as you walk. When you notice

your mind wandering, you bring your focus

back to each step, every movement, the

ground beneath your feet and the sky over

your head.

One day when I practiced mindful walking, I

noticed that I was thinking about some

stressful events that had recently occurred,

as well as worrying about some decisions I

would have to make very soon. Each t ime, I

refocused on my walk, but then a thoughtoccurred to me. We associate presence with

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laziness because we are only doing one task

instead of many tasks at once. The very act

of walking and only walking instead of

having a phone meeting or checking emails

is a luxury that we think we cant afford.

Have you ever downloaded multiple f i les at

once? They download at the rate of a snai l s

pace in comparison to one f i le at a time. It sbecause you are taking a connection and

splitting its potential in multiple directions.

Sure, the job eventually gets done, bu t it

costs more time and energy. If you

download just one f i le , the connection

meets its fullest potential , focusing entirely

on the task at hand.

This is why presence is importa nt. The l ie is

that i f we focus on multiple things

simultaneously, we get more done. The

truth is that when we focus on what we are

doing this moment, right now, there arezero distractions. All the energy can be

poured into one source. That means more

focus, better quality, and a greater

experience.

The fancy word for presence is mindfulness.Sometimes a word starts to lose i ts meaning

when it has been associated with brands or

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celebrities. Mindfulness is a buzzword in

the business world, but it has merely

become another task for the never-ending

to-do l ist. Somehow, you hav e to squeeze in

ten minutes of mindfulness meditation into

your day. But that s missing the point.

Mindfulness is your day, every moment of

your day, every thing that you do.

I choose to use the word presence inste ad of

mindfulness to recapture the idea of

focusing on now in order to disconnect

ourselves from misery. For instance, when

we are stuck in traff ic. The reason why i t

makes us miserable is because we want to

get to a point in the future, where we are

going. We are miserable when someone

hurts us because we cant let go of what they

did back then, instead of the fact that they

arent doing it now.

So, how do we practice presence?

When you drive, focus on the wheel in your

hands and the road before you; not wher e

you need to be or the text you need to send.

When you wait , focus your breath and your

feet on the f loor; not on what you wouldrather be doing or whos wasting your t ime.

When you eat , savor the f lavor and the

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texture of your food; dont watch television

or pull up YouTube.

Presence doesnt mean you have to change

your l i festyle. It just means you have to

shift your awareness.

Because misery is where we were and where

we arent yet. Misery is wishing there hadbeen a dif ferent outcome, that things would

turn out the way we want, tha t people would

act how we think they should act.

Very often, misery is expecting one thing,

but gett ing another.

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Expectations

The reason why we argue is because we have

expectations for how things should be, how

the world works, and how people should

behave. Our expectations have influences

such as upbringing, culture, and society.

Our expectations develop through

experiencing pleasure and pain, developing

likes and disl ikes. It s one thing to have

expectations for ourselves, but when we

project our expectations on the world

around us, we set ourselv es up for

disappointment.

But letting go of expectations doesnt mean

lowering your standards. Letting go of

expectations means you arent affected

negatively when things dont go your way.

You release the world and the people around

you of the burden to always give you

pleasure. Instead of being miserable when

events or people are adverse, you shr ug it

off and move on to the next thing.

Instead of talking trash about your ex, you

acknowledge that the two of you werent the

best match. You both did the best you couldwith what you had.

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Instead of gett ing frustrated and angry

when your children dont do what you ask

them to do, you acknowledge that th ey are

individuals - human beings - just l ike you.

They have desires and frustrations, too.

Disobedience isnt personal. It s just nature.

Instead of casting judgment on the personusing food stamps for what you deem

unhealthy items, you acknowledge that you

have no idea what it s l ike to need

assistance for your daily food needs.

When we stop sett ing the world up for

fai lure, then we stop being so disappointed.

When we cease to put ourselves in

situations that wil l only produce a negative

outcome, then we stop being so miserable.

How do we let go of expectations without

sacri f ic ing our standards?

If you hang out with someone who always

makes you feel bad about yourself , thats

not their problem. It s yours. Let go.

If you are sick and tired of going into yourstressful job every day, i t s not your boss s

job to change. It s yours. Let go.

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If you are mad at your spouse for not takin g

better care of themselves, i t s not their job

to meet your standards. It s yours. Let go.

The only person who needs to meet your

standards is you. I t s your job to remove

yourself from stressful s ituations. It s your

job to cut ties with people who drain your

energy. It s your job to set boundaries andto say no when necessary.

But what about bigger problems? What

about chi ldhood trauma? What about world

hunger? What about murder? What about al l

the things we cant control?

Let go.

The only way the world wil l chang e in a

posit ive way is i f we al l take a step back and

choose to l ive by our own standards, instead

of forcing others to meet our expectations.When you let go of your expectations for the

world and for other people, you also let go

of a mill ion opportunities for misery to rear

its head.

Why wont you let go? Because you want tobe in control.

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Control

Athletes are some of the most superstit ious

people you wil l ever meet. They perform

litt le r i tuals before a game, trying to

replicate actions that took place before

previous victories. But the rest of us arent

much dif ferent. We think that certain

systems, r i tuals , and habits wi l l guarantee a

certain outcome. They give us a certain

amount of control .

But not really.

Control is an i l lusion. The only control weactually possess is over our reactions to the

uncontrol lable . No matter what we say,

think, or do, we cannot guarantee a specif ic

result. You can eat healthy and exercise, but

sti l l succumb to i l lness. You can play it safe

and invest well , but sti l l end up penniless.

You can drive the speed l imit and stay in the

right lane, but st i l l get in a car accident.

Life is full of uncontrollable variables. So,

we fool ourselves. We develop systems that

make us feel better, safer, and in control

because we dont l ike the feel ing ofuncertainty. We dont l ike the feeling of an

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uncontrolled destiny or fate. We dont l ike

being swayed in another direction against

our wi l l .

Imagine you are in a stream. Whether you

decide to swim upstream or downstream is

up to you. The technique is the same either

way, but the amount of effort you exert is

completely different. The i l lusion of beingin control is l ike swimming upstream.

Eventually, we grow tired and burn out. We

cant do it forever. The act of lettin g go is

l ike swimming downstream. How you swim

isnt any di f ferent, but the current carries

you. You could even lean back and just

f loat, effortless.

Your desire for control is really your desire

for a specif ic outcome in the future. Youre

miserable when you cant control your

circumstances, or other people. Youre even

more miserable when youve doneeverything you could to get what you want,

but it didnt happen.

If your happiness is measured by what you

can and cant control, then youre always

going to be miserable.

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Because in reality, you dont control

anything except yourself. But that s the

beauty. If we let go of the need to control

everything around us, then we dont have to

make decisions based on fear any longer.

Instead, we can do what is r ight regardless

of the outcome.

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Action

How many hours have we wasted because

fear kept us from trying something new, or

trying again? How many opportunities have

we missed because we couldnt control

enough of the variables? How many

relationships have suffered because our

expectations were too high?

How long has misery held us captive?

Breaking up with misery is an action.

And then another one.

And another.

It s f i l l ing out your three hundredth job

application. It s going outside for a walk.

It s making a home-cooked meal for

yourself , or for someone else. It s making a

list of al l the things that are going righ t in

the face of what s gone wrong. It s putt ing

on some clothes and making the bed. It s

going for a drive with the windows down.

You wont get over your misery unless youcreate new and joyful experiences.

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For so long your mind has been hard-wired

to only see the bad, the dark, the ugly. Your

brain has been exercising the muscle that

sees what is awful in l i fe, while neglecting

the muscle that recognizes what is beautiful .

The only way to get that part of your mind

in shape is to experience the things youve

been missing out on. You have to move. You

have to act .

You need to get up off the couch.

With every action comes a choice between

misery and joy. You get to make that choice

every single time with the words that you

speak, the thoughts that you think, the

decisions that you make. And sometimes the

action itself doesnt change depending on

what you choose, but your perspective does.

Like washing the dishes . Is i t going to make

you miserable or joyful? It s up to you.

Eating healthier.

Exercising more.

Gossiping less.

Driving safely .

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In

What we see, eat , hear, touch, smell , and

love all have the power to shape our minds

and our emotions. If we want to minim ize

miserys presence in our l ives, we have to

manage the things that com e in. In order to

manage those things wel l , we have to be

aware. We need to take notice.

Which headlines do you read f irst?

What foods do you grab in a hurry?

Which podcasts or radio stations informyou?

Who takes up residence in your l i fe and

heart?

Even the music that you l ist en to, the

movies you watch, and the books tha t you

read can affect your level of miser y and joy.

Emotionally charged material can make our

hearts race and the adrenal ine surge. We

equate that feeling with being alive. But

that s actual ly not what i t is .

That s what i t is to be stressed.

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The stress response kicks into gear when

our bodies feel threatened. Our blood starts

pumping, hormones release, the heart goes

into overdrive. Our digestive and immune

systems shut down so that our bodies can

focus on f ighting or running away. Because

most of us l ive in environments that rarely

offer true l i fe threats, we feel threatened bythings that often are not tangible , things

that dont exist anywhere else except for the

mind.

Like the three-hour movie that has you

gripping the armrests.

Or the angry chorus of a breaku p song.

Like the adamant opinions of a charismatic

speaker.

We wonder why we are so stressed all thetime, or why we are so suspicious of others

intentions. Our culture is addicted to the

stress response without even realizing it .

We love horror f i lms and television series

about f lesh-eating zombies. We love anger

and vengeance. We love violence and chaos.We let these negative things in al l day,

everyday. We barely come up for air because

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thinking that they are part of the reason

why youre miserable .

But we dont know how much time we hav e

in this l i fe , and we only have so much room

in our minds and hearts . Do we real ly want

to waste our l ives, and others l ives, keeping

up appearances?

We must be mindful of what we let into our

lives. What we process with our minds

ultimately affects the state of our entire

existence. If we are constantly processing

terror, trauma, bad news, and awful

relationships, then we hardwire our brains

to only see l i fe through those lenses, even if

they are completely f ictional. We set

ourselves up to be miserable without even

needing miserable things to happen.

So, what should we let in?

Good news. Successes. Triumphs.

Celebrations.

Foods that nourish, sustain, and revitalize.

Positive influences and optimistic opinionsthat dont infringe on truth or real i ty .

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People who respect your boundaries and

augment your quality of l i fe.

And just so you know, what you let in is

often what you let out.

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Out

What we let out is our behavior. The way we

speak, the decisions we make, our reactions

to people and events. Usually, our behavior

is on two ends of the spectrum; either wer e

passive aggressive or confrontational.

Those of us who are passive aggressive want

to keep the peace, or at least the semblance

of it . We treat others the way we want to be

treated, even if they treat us poorly, but

over t ime we start bui lding up resentment.

We say snide things under our breath and

give the ones we love the cold shoulder.Instead of confronting problems head on,

we stuff them because people should be as

caring as we are.

Those of us who are confrontational have no

problem saying exactly how we feel , no

matter the cost. If someone has a problem

with us, we confront them head on. Were so

consumed by being heard and being right,

that we forget to l isten and consider the

other partys perspective. We say hurtful

things without thinking about i t f irst , and

end up teaching people that were notapproachable.

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have a habit of call ing a friend late at night ,

and she tel ls you this affects her job

performance, you tel l her to turn her ringer

off even though you could very easily not

call after 10pm. Acknowledging our

mistakes doesnt mean were wrong, but i t s

the wil l ingness to consider, Well , maybe

I m not entirely r ight e i ther.

Respecting boundaries. Some people

dont have boundaries. They dont know

when to say no and they say yes too much.

Respecting boundaries can mean that we

give others the opportunity to create

boundaries, instead of taking advantage of

their lack thereof. Your friend might be a

photographer who is always wil l ing to do a

complimentary shoot, but i f you sincerely

offer to pay for her services instead of

taking her for granted each time, then

youre helping her create boundaries for her

profession. But respecting boundaries isabout us, too. We have to be responsible for

when we say yes and when we say no. We

cant expect others to acknowledge

boundaries we have not established.

Sometimes we go through l i fe withoutreflecting on the energy we project int o the

world. Maybe we dont realize that we sound

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rude when we talk to our server at a

restaurant. Maybe we dont real ize that we

talk really loud on the phone when someone

else is trying to get work done. Maybe we

dont real ize that what s convenient for us,

isnt convenient for everyone else.

How we behave affects our level of miser y

because there are natural consequences. I fwere rude to a hostess, i t might take longer

to be seated. If we are constantly lat e for

lunch dates, we might not get the invi te

much longer. What we put out there can

ultimately isolate us, hurt us, and confuse

us i f were not mindful. What w e put out

there can also foster community, nurture us,

and enlighten us.

We have the amazing power to affect

everyone we encounter. We have the power

to make someones day better or worse. We

have the power to make the world more orless peaceful. This is a gift and a curse. Th is

is the key to both joy and misery.

Power requires both humil i ty and

responsibil ity. We need simple and effective

tools to help us create positive chan ge forour bodies, our minds, and our hearts .

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Body

Physical activi ty should be restorative,

rejuvenating, and tai lored to your needs.

Sometimes we put too much pressure on

ourselves, assuming that we should set

aside ninety minutes everyday for cardio,

weight l i f t ing, and yoga. I t s enough to make

us feel l ike fai lures before we even try. The

couch ends up more appealing. But i f we

make small goals that we can achieve easi ly

each day, then taking care of our bodies is

easy.

When I say start small , I mean it . 10minutes. Set aside 10 minutes each day for

an activity: walking, stretching, jogging,

weight l i f t ing, calisthenics. Whatever t ickles

your fancy. Set an alarm on your phone for

the same t ime each day or just get up ten

minutes earlier. If you think thats not

enough to make a difference in your l i fe,

then consider the fact that ten minutes is

more than zero minutes. I t al l adds up, and

how you feel is just as important as how

many calories you burn. Youl l never regret

those ten minutes, no matter how dif f icult

they were at the time.

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The food and drink you put in your body

should nourish and energize you. It s easy

to reach for indulgences when were not

feeling our best. Chocolate chip cookies, a

pint of ice cream. Potato chips and soda.

When we feel short on t ime, we grab high

sodium, pre-made foods instead of making

something simple and fresh. The reason why

we take shortcuts is because were makinghealthy choices too diff icult.

Here are some simple rules for customizing

your diet:

1. E at to ns o f veg g ie s , e spe c ia l ly g re e ns .

2. Swee t to oth ? Ch oo se f rui t fi rst .

3. Yo u do n t have to eat me at e very day .

4. Wh en y o ure th i rs ty, dr ink water f i rs t .

5. Me al p ort io n si ze : yo ur h ands cup pe d

together. Trust me.

6. E asy o n th e sa lt , man. L ow sodium.

7. F oo d i s f ue l. Us e p re mi um .

Again, the key here is to start small . You

dont have to throw out everything in your

pantry. Make t iny changes to what you eat

and drink. Drink one more cup of water a

day. Eat an apple instead of chips as asnack. Go meatless one day a week. Just

pick one small change and commit to i t for

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one week. If i t s sti l l hard, do it one more

week. If you feel good about it , add one

more change for the next week. The easier

the change, the easier it is to commit .

Finally, breathe. I mean really think about

your breath. Take the t ime to inhale into

your bel ly and your chest. Exhale nice and

slow so that you get everything out, makingroom for the next breath. This is what

meditation real ly is . This is what

mindfulness is. All of those buzzwords that

you read about on wel lness blogs just boil

down to disconnecting from everything else

so that you can reconnect with yourself .

So, breathe.

When youre driving, inhale deeply and

exhale long. When youre waiting in l ine,

inhale deeply and exhale long. When youve

lost your wallet or your kid is screaming.When youre running late or youve lost

your job.

Breathe.

Because when you feel l ike you have nocontrol, i t s the one thing you can control.

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Mind

Meditate . Makes you want to run for the

hil ls, right? It evokes ima ges of the super

spiri tual and yogis . The truth is , i t does

help you feel more joyful and less

miserable. Why? Because youre not

focusing so much on everything thats going

wrong. Youre only thinking about whats

going right.

This breath. Right now.

Some people think you should focus on an

object or summon an image of something inyour mind. Others think you have to go

through rigorous training from gurus and

masters. Som e people think you should do it

for thirty minutes every day. Others think

you should do i t in the exact same place

each time.

Can we just forget the rules for a second ?

Make your own rules. If you need routine,

then set a time and a place each day. If you

need f lexibil ity, then choose something that

you know you do every day and make it yourmeditation. Do you shower every day?

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Meditate in the shower. Do you drive ever y

day? Meditate in the car. Do you cook every

day? Meditate when you cook. But what is

meditation? How do you do it?

Only two things are required for meditation:

conscious breathing and focus on the

present moment.

That means i f you meditate in the shower,

you take your t ime breathing in and

breathing out. Youre paying attention to

your f ingertips rubbing your scalp as you

wash your hair. You focus on the sensation

of warm water running over your skin.

Youre not wasting t ime thinking about your

to do l ist or the deadline you have to meet.

Youre not thinking about how l itt le t ime

you have to yourself or how you wish your

partner was more considerate . Youre r ight

here, right now. Youre breathing.

And youre taking a damn shower.

If you l ike the idea of l ighting some incense

and sitting on a special pi l low, by al l means !

Theres an appeal to making meditation

sacred, but in todays day and age that s notalways easy to come by. And the truth is ,

meditation shouldnt be a special occasion.

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It should be mundane. I t should be

happening all the time. Our bodies an d our

minds need fresh, cleansing breath moving

in and out. I t detoxif ies us. I t centers us. I t

pul ls us away from our miserable worry

cycles. It grounds us in the present.

Writ ing has a way of doing the same thing. I

dont mean writ ing a novel . I mean justputting pen to paper and letting the words

roll out. It s giving your self the space to be

completely honest with yourself , to say

awful things about your nosey neighbor. To

say that your kid is driving you crazy. To

admit your regrets and your dreams. To

confess that youre attracted to people other

than your significant other. It s a safe place

for your brain. Because we l ive in a society

that is obsessed with being politically

correct , and survives by being passive

aggressive. We dont say what we mean to

each other, and rarely can say what we meanto ourselves.

So, buy yourself a notebook, one thats not

too expensive or pretty so youre not scared

to write in i t . Start small . Set a t imer for

f ive minutes and just write . I f you dontknow what to write , then write , I dont

know what to write , over and over again

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until you write something else. This is a

form of meditating. It s learning to be

honest with yourself , to let your brain think

what it thinks without being scared of the

repercussions.

Let your notebook be the one place where

you can be miserable, then you leave your

misery behind.

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Heart

Our hearts are rooted in relationships, with

others and with ourselves. We can

determine the quality of those relationships

depending on the results: misery or joy. But

in order to foster good relationships with

other people, we have to love ourselves well .

Compassion comes f irst . That means when i t

al l hits the fan, you treat yourself gently.

You take a personal day. You go for a walk.

You remind yourself that we all have bad

days and it s okay to feel bad once in a

while. Imagine youre on the outside lookingin. How would you comfort yourself i f you

were someone else, someone you love and

care about? Youd say things l ike, I m here

for you, and, Everythings going to be

f ine.

Then, benevolence. It s a fancy word for

doing a good thing. How can we be nice to

others i f were not nice to ourselves? That

means you take yourself out on a date once

in a while. You go to the movies or you eat a

nice dinner. You buy yourself the purse

youve been staring at onl ine for threemonths because, well , youve been looking

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at i t for three months. Dont withhold from

yourself . It makes it harder to trust

yourself . It makes it more diff icult to

believe that things wil l be okay in the end.

Final ly , fort i tude. That s pushing through

the diff iculty. Pull ing yourself up by your

bootstraps and pushing the pedal to the

metal. After you have take n the time toreact to your hardships and have done some

self-nurturing, then you f inally say to

yourself , Okay, enough. It s t ime to move

on. And it s a cycle. You have to move

through compassion, benevolence, and

fortitude for yourself each and every day.

You have to do it when you lose your cool,

when you get a speeding t icket . You have to

do it when your cat dies, and when you get

somebodys name wrong.

You have to do it when youre miserable

because that s the only way out.

And then, you transfer compassion,

benevolence, and fortitude into your

relationships with other people. After

youve practiced it with yourself , you know

how to do it for others. It s easier toempathize with people going through a

rough time. It s easier for you to recognize

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l i tt le things you can do for them to help

them out. It s simple to say, H ey, I know

it s rough, but youre gonna get through i t .

As you cycle out of your misery, you help

others break free, too. You becom e a

catalyst for positive change, because you

believed that your l i fe should be a joyful

one and no one should l ive miserably

forever.

Compassion. Benevolence. Fortitude.

Fancy words for what healthy relationships

require.

For what you need, and what everyone

deserves.

Joy.

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Go

Ignorance is bl iss because i t means were

not responsible for our miser y. But now you

know what joy requires.

We have to accept that both misery and joy

have a place in our l ives.

We need to be wil l ing to redef ine joy, and

find i t in the mundane.

We have to practice presence, being in the

moment instead of re l iving the past and

worrying about the future.

We need to let go of unrealist ic expectations

for the world and the people in our l ives.

We have to realize that the only thing we

can control is ourselves, and that s a

beautiful thing.

We need to accept that breaking up with

misery is a choice requiring one positive

action after another.

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We have to be selective about what we let

into our l ives, from the media we consum e

to the relationships we invest in.

We need to monitor and ref ine what we let

out in to the world, which is essentia lly how

we behave toward others.

We have to take care of our bodies.

We need to nourish our minds.

We have to nurture our hearts.

Because we have been miserable long

enough. It s taken i t s tol l and we dont need

to suffer any longer. All joy requires is the

desire to change, and the actions that

change requires. But be gentle . Start s imple.

Change is slow and joy is fragile at f irst . So,

be here now. Inhale deeply, exhale long.

Theres no deadline to meet or rubric tofollow.

Just choose.

Joy in this breath.

Joy in this moment.

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About the Author

My name is Natasha Akery. I am a certi f ied

yoga instructor and professional writer

based in Charleston, SC. In 2014, I launched

Lumenkind with th e hope of helping people

navigate stress and manage anxiety through

movement, writing, and meditation.

Breaking Up With Misery is my f irst book.

Well , the f irst one I managed to f inish.

Thanks for reading.

Contact: Lumenkind at gmail dot com.

Breaking Up With Misery.pdf

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