Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan

7/29/2019 Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan

1/14


2/14

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PREFACE

At rst, theres just darkness and silence.

Are my eyes open? Hello?

I cant tell i Im moving my mouth or i theres even anyone to

ask. Its too dark to see. I blink once, twice, three times. There is

a dull oreboding in the pit o my stomach. That, I recognize. My

thoughts translate only slowly into language, as i emerging rom a

pot o molasses. Word by word the questions come: Where am I?

Why does my scalp itch? Where is everyone? Then the world around

me comes gradually into view, beginning as a pinhole, its diameter

steadily expanding. Objects emerge rom the murk and sharpen into

ocus. Ater a moment I recognize them: TV, curtain, bed.I know immediately that I need to get out o here. I lurch or-

ward, but something snaps against me. My ngers nd a thick

mesh vest at my waist holding me to the bed like awhats the

word?straitjacket. The vest connects to two cold metal side

rails. I wrap my hands around the rails and pull up, but again the

straps dig into my chest, yielding only a ew inches. Theres an

unopened window to my right that looks onto a street. Cars, yel-low cars. Taxis. I am in New York. Home.

Beore the relie nishes washing over me, though, I see her.

The purple lady. She is staring at me.

Help! I shout. Her expression never changes, as i I hadnt

said a thing. I shove mysel against the straps again.

Dont you go doing that, she croons in a amiliar Jamaican

accent.

Sybil? But it couldnt be. Sybil was my childhood babysit-

ter. I havent seen her since I was a child. Why would she choose

today to reenter my lie? Sybil? Where am I?

The hospital. You better calm down. Its not Sybil.

It hurts.

The purple lady moves closer, her breasts brushing against my


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x i i P R EFA C E

ace as she bends across me to unhook the restraints, starting on

the right and moving to the let. With my arms ree, I instinctu-ally raise my right hand to scratch my head. But instead o hair

and scalp, I nd a cotton hat. I rip it o, suddenly angry, and raise

both hands to inspect my head urther. I eel rows and rows o

plastic wires. I pluck one outwhich makes my scalp stingand

lower it to eye level; its pink. On my wrist is an orange plastic

band. I squint, unable to ocus on the words, but ater a ew sec-

onds, the block letters sharpen: FLIGHT RISK.


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BRAIN ON FIRE


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P A R T O N E

C R A Z Y

I have elt that odd whirr o wings in the head.

Virginia Woolf, A Writers Diary:

Being Extracts rom the Diary o Virginia Wool


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8/14

3

C H A P T E R 1

B E D B U G B L U E S

Mybe t be wth bu bte, m bedbu tht ddt

exst.

Oe m, Id wke up t d tw ed dts the m

pupsh-bue ve u dw my et m. It ws ey 2009,

d New Yk Cty ws wsh bedbu sces: they ested

ces, cth stes, mve thetes, d pk beches. Thuh

I wst tuy we, my dems hd bee ccuped

tw hts stht by e- bedbus. It ws esbe

cce, thuh te ceuy scu the ptmet, I cudt

d se bu y evdece the pesece. Except thse

tw btes. I eve ced extemt t check ut my pt-

met, vewked Hspc m wh cmbed the whe pce,

t up my s bed d sh shht t pces I hd

eve bee thuht t ce. He pcmed my stud bu ee.

Tht seemed ukey, s I sked w-up pptmet hm t spy. T hs cedt, he ued me t wt bee she

ut stmc sum t d btte st wht he seemed t

thk ws my estt. But I pessed hm t d t,

cvced tht my ptmet, my bed, my body hd bee veu

by bus. He eed t etu d extemte.

Cceed s I ws, I ted t cce my w uese m

my cwkes. Udestdby, e wted t be ssctedwth pes wth bedbu pbem. S t wk the w

dy, I wked s chty s pssbe thuh the ewsm

the New York Post t my cubce. I ws ceu t cce

my btes d ted t ppe csu, m. Nt tht m

mes t t the Post.


9/14

4 B R A I N O N F I R E

Thuh ts tusy bsessed wth whts ew, the Posts

ey s d s the t tse. Estbshed by Aexde Hm-t 1801, t s the est ctuy u ewsppe the

cuty. I ts st cetuy e, the ppe cusded the b-

t mvemet d heped pmte the cet Cet Pk.

Tdy the ewsm tse s cveus yet ess, ed wth

ws pe cubces d ut cbets pcked wth

decdes uused, tte dcumets. The ws e ecked

wth ccks tht dt u, ded wes hu upsde dw tdy, pctue mkey d bde ce, d b m

Sx Fs e, memb m eptes ssmets. The

PCs e cet, the cpy mches the sze sm pes. A

sm utty cset tht ce seved s smk m w hds

suppes, d s mked by wetheed s w tht the

smk m e exsts, s smee mht ccdety

wde cette m the mts d vde equp-

met. Ths hs bee my eccetc tte wd the pst seve

yes, sce I stted hee s sevetee-ye-d te.

Especy ud dede, the m buzzes wth ctvty

keybds cck, edts ye, eptes cckthe pe-

ect steetype tbd ewsm.

hees the uck pctue t wth ths cpt?

Hw s t tht he ddt kw she ws psttute?

ht c wee the scks the uy wh jumped thebde?

Its ke b wthut ch, ed wth dee-sked

ews jukes. The cst chctes hee s uque t the Post:

the bhtest hede wtes the busess, the hdeed ews-

huds hut te excusves, d type-A wkhcs wh

pssess the chmee bty t ethe beed tze

mst ye. St, mst dys, the ewsm s subdued,s eveye sety cmbs thuh cut dcumets, tevews

suces, eds ewsppes. Ote, ke tdy, the ewsm s

s quet s mue.

Hed twd my desk t stt the dy, I wve thuh the

ws cubces mked by ee Mhtt steet ss: Lbety


10/14

B ED B U G B LU ES 5

Steet, Nssu Steet, Pe Steet, d m Steet, thwbcks

t tme whe the Post ws ctuy ked by thse dw-tw steets ts pevus hme t the Suth Steet Sept. My

desk s t Pe Steet. Amd the sece, I sd t my set besde

Ae, my csest ed t the ppe, d ve he tese sme.

Ty t t et my quest ech t udy css the seess

m, I sked, Yu kw yth but bedbu btes?

I te jked tht I eve hd duhte, Id wt he t be

ke Ae. I my wys, she s my ewsm he. he Ist met he, thee yes bee, she ws st-spke, shy yu

wm m Quees, y ew yes de th me. She hd

ved t the Postm sm weeky ppe d sce the hd

mtued ude the pessue b-cty tbd t e the

Posts mst teted eptes, chu ut ems u best st-

es. Mst te Fdy hts, yud d Ae wt u st-

es spt scees smuteusy. I cudt hep but k up t

he. Nw I ey eeded he dvce.

He tht deded wd, bedbugs, Ae scted he ch

wy m me. Dt te me yu hve them, she sd wth

mpsh sme. I stted t shw he my m, but bee I cud et

t my te we, my phe .

Yu edy? It ws the ew Sudy edt, Steve. He ws just

bey hs mdthtes, yet he hd edy bee med hed ed-

t the Sudy ppe, the sect I wked , d despte hsedess, he tmdted me. Evey Tuesdy, ech epte hd

ptch meet t shwcse sme hs he des tht Su-

dys ppe. At the sud hs vce, I ezed wth pc tht I

ws cmpetey upeped ths weeks meet. Usuy I hd

t est thee cheet des t ptch; they weet wys et,

but I wys hd smeth. Nw I hd th, t eve euh

t bu my wy thuh the ext ve mutes. Hw hd I et ththppe? Ths meet ws mpssbe t et, weeky tu

tht we stdusy peped , eve du dys .

Bedbus tte, I wdeed my eyes t Ae s I std

bck up, mey hp t wud wk ut ce I t t Steves

ce.


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Nevusy, I wked bck dw Pe Steet d t Steves

ce. I st dw ext t Pu, the Sudy ews edt d cseed wh hd meted me sce I ws sphme cee,

v hm d but vd dect eye ctct. I edjusted my

sctched-up wde-med Annie Hallsses, whch pubcst

ed ce descbed s my w m bth ct becuse

e w seep wth yu wth thse .

e st thee sece mmet, s I ted t et myse be

cmted by Pus m, e-th-e pesece. th hsshck pemtuey whte h d hs ppesty t tss the

wd uck ud ke pepst, he s the essece thw-

bck ewsm d bt edt.

He hd ve me sht s epte du the summe my

sphme ye cee te my ed tduced us. Ate

ew yes whch I wked s ue, cve bek ews

d eed mt t the epte t wte the pece, Pu

eed me my st b ssmet: tce the debuchey t

New Yk Uvesty tety huse. he I etued wth

sty d pctues me py bee p, he ws mpessed wth

my chutzph; eve thuh the exps eve , he ssed me

me stes ut I hd bee hed u tme 2008. Nw, s I

st Steves ce why upeped, I cudt hep but ee ke

wk pess, t wthy Pus th d espect.

The sece deepeed ut I ked up. Steve d Pu weest t me expectty, s I just stted tk, hp sme-

th wud cme. I sw ths sty b . . . , I sd, despe-

tey puck up wsps h-med des.

Thts ey just t d euh, Steve teupted. Yu

eed t be b bette stu th ths. Oky? Pese dt

cme wth th . Pu dded, hs ce bz ed.

F the st tme sce Id stted wk my hh schewsppe, jusm dseed wth me. I et the meet u-

us t myse d bewdeed by my w epttude.

Yu ky? Ae sked s I etued t my desk.

Yeh, yu kw, Im just bd t my jb. N b de, I jked

my.


12/14


She uhed, eve ew chmy cked cs teeth.

Oh, cme , Sush. ht hppeed? Dt tke t seusy.Yue p.

Thks, A, I sd, spp my ukewm cee. Ths

just et my wy.

I bded ve the dys dsstes tht eve s I wked

west m the News Cp. bud Sxth Aveue, thuh the

tust custeuck tht s Tmes Sque, twd my ptmet

Hes Ktche. As pupsey v the cch New Ykwte, I eted cmped e-m stud, whee I sept

puut s. The ptmet, eey quet, veked the cut-

yd seve teemets, d I te wke t t pce ses

d umb be tucks but t the sud ehb

py the ccd hs bcy.

St bsessed wth my btes, despte the extemts ssu-

ce tht I hd th t wy but, I peped hm t

spy the pce d spet tht ht dscd ths tht cud

be hb bedbus. It the be wet my beved Post

cps, hudeds tces emd me hw bze my jb

s: the vctms d suspects, deus sums, pss d hs-

pts, tweve-hu shts spet shve sde phtphes

cs wt t phtph ppceebtes. I hd wys

ved evey mute t. S why ws I suddey s tebe t t?

As I shved these tesues t the tsh bs, I pused ew hedes, m them the best sty my cee t dte:

the tme I med t d excusve jhuse tevew wth

chd kdppe Mche Dev. The t med wee ht

the sty, d I ws y se t sht Uvesty

St. Lus, yet Dev spke t me twce. But the sty ddt

ed thee. Hs wyes wet uts te the tce , uch-

sme cmp st the Postd c judc de, whe the c d t med be debt my

methds ve T d quest the ethcs jhuse te-

vews d tbds ee. Pu eded seve teu phe

cs m me du tht tme, whch bud us tethe, d

the ed, bth the ppe d my edts std by me. Thuh the


13/14


expeece hd tted me, t s whetted my ppette, d m

the , I becme the esdet jhuse. Dev ws evetuyseteced t thee csecutve etmes ps.

The thee ws the butt mpt sty, Re d Peset D-

e, hede tht st mkes me uh. I hd t udecve

s stppe k chep butt ehcemets m wm

wh ws ey dspes them ut mdtw hte m.

As I std thee wth my pts ud my kes, I ted t t

be suted whe she uced tht she wud eed thusdds pe cheek, twce the mut she ched the wm wh

hd cme wd t the Post.

Jusm ws th; I hd wys ved v ety

tht ws me bust th ct, thuh tte dd I kw tht

my e ws but t becme s bze s t be wthy cve-

e my w beved tbd.

Eve thuh the memy mde me sme, I dded ths cp t

the w tsh pewhee t bes, I sced, despte the

ct tht thse czy stes hd met the wd t me. Thuh

t et ecessy t the mmet, ths cus thw wy

yes wth wk ws cmpetey ut chcte me. I

ws stc pck t, wh hed t pems tht I hd wt-

te uth de d twety-sme-dd des tht dted bck

t ju hh. Thuh thee ddt seem t be much cec-

t m my bedbu sce, my etuess t wk, d mysudde stct t pue my es, wht I ddt kw the s tht

bu bsess c be s psychss. Its tte-kw pb-

em, sce thse sue m pstss, Ekbm sydme,

s ts ced, e mst key t csut extemts dem-

tsts the my estts sted met heth

pesss, d s esut they equety udsed. My

pbem, t tus ut, ws vste th tchy em d tte meet.

Ate hus pck eveyth wy t esue bedbu-

ee ze, I st ddt ee y bette. As I ket by the bck

be bs, I ws ht wth tebe che the pt my stm-

chtht kd ee-t ded tht ccmpes het-


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bek deth. he I t t my eet, shp p ced my

md, ke whte-ht sh me, thuh I hd evesueed m e bee. As I stumbed t the bthm, my

es d bdy just wudt ect, d I et s I wee s

thuh qucksd. I must be getting the fu, I thuht.

Ths mht t hve bee the u, thuh, the sme wy thee my

hve bee bedbus. But thee key ws pthe sme

st tht hd vded my bdy, tte em tht set eveyth

mt. Mybe t cme m tht busessm wh hd seezed

me the subwy ew dys bee, ees ms vus

ptces t the est us tht subwy c? O mybe t ws

smeth I te smeth tht spped sde me thuh

ty wud my sk, mybe thuh e thse mysteus

bu btes?

Thee my md es .

The dcts dt ctuy kw hw t be me. hts

ce s tht tht m hd seezed yu, yud mst key just

et cd. F me, t pped my uvese upsde dw d vey

ey set me t syum e.

Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan

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Transcript of Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan