BOOST YOUR SELF- CONFIDENCE - Everywoman€¦ · Boost your self-confidence 4 Exploring your...

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SELF-CONFIDENCE

B O O S T Y O U R

2Boost your self-confidence

About this workbook 3

Section 1:Exploring your confidence 4

How assertive are you? 9 High or low self-esteem? 12

The Rosenberg self-esteem scale 13

Understanding your strengths 15

Identifying problem areas 18

Section 2: Building your confidence 22

Your personal advisory board 22

Smashing limiting beliefs 26

Setting achievable goals 32

Section 3: Developing your confidence strategy 35

Your personal action plan 41

everywoman experts 43

Further reading 44

Endnotes 44

Contents


About this workbookAT EVERYWOMAN, we deliver a range of innovative products and resources that unlock the potential and talent of women in business globally. For those women starting out or looking to progress their careers, or build and develop their own enterprise, the everywomanNetwork provides a wealth of personal development resources, advice and inspiration to address the challenges faced at key stages in business. We produce workbooks on topics that matter most to our members and we’re constantly listening to your views to give you the tools you need to propel you through your career, at a time and place that suits you.

You might have heard that women apply for promotions only if they possess 100% of the requisite skills, while men have a go if they can lay claim to 60% of what the job ad asks for. This statistic has been widely shared and discussed by academics, business journalists and big name leaders like Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg. It has even given rise to a specific term to explain one of the so-called fundamental differences between men and women when it comes to business prowess: ‘The confidence gap’.

The big problem with this assertion, and one that you might be surprised to learn of given its ubiquity, is that it isn’t backed up by research. The 100% 60% stat was the finding of an internal Hewlett-Packard report, which has never been made publicly accessible, and only made global headlines after a senior executive made the revelation in an interview — along with a big assumption: “It seems like they [women] lack self-confidence.” i

As our career expert, Fiona Morden, states in her webinar on gender myths, it’s hard to disprove this entrenched belief without sounding confrontational. But she urges you to tackle what she sees as a limiting idea that only serves to hold you back. “[What if female reluctance in this scenario] is simply a different behaviour that just happens not to fit the [male] norm and has been incorrectly interpreted, stereotypically, in a way that leads us to believe that confidence is the issue?” ii

We include this story here because we think it’s important to get away from the idea that confidence in business or any other aspect of life is a ‘women’s issue’. That said, we know from our many years of engagement with women’s economic empowerment, that the subject of confidence is one that comes up time and time again in our dealings with countless businesswomen, at every rung of the career ladder.

That’s why we’ve decided to reissue this update to our original 2013 workbook. The exercises have been refreshed and the stories from our associates brought up to date. Underpinning this new version though, just as with that first, ever-popular edition, is the fact that confidence is critical to career success and satisfaction.

We’ll dive straight in, taking some time to explore your confidence, what confidence and self-esteem mean to you, and what actions you need to take to edge you closer to the ‘you’ that you aspire to be. As you progress through the workbook, you’ll discover some concrete tips that will help you form the basis of a tangible action plan for boosting your confidence, however you see fit.

Congratulations on undertaking this commitment to developing your career and or business. We look forward to seeing you on the everywomanNetwork and hearing how you and your career have reaped the benefits.

and the everywoman team


Exploring your confidence

Sometimes the language used around confidence can actually undermine

your quest to possess it. Instructions like “Just go for it!” and “Think big!” are the stuff of countless Instagram memes, but if there’s an underlying issue with your self-esteem that needs addressing, then imagining you simply need to

‘step up’ can leave you feeling even more negative. It’s true that getting ‘stuck in your comfort zone’ can have a limiting effect on your confidence. But equally, taking too bold a step into the unknown can have the opposite effect — seeing you scurry back to that place of safety, vowing to never try again. >

Section I

ONE OF THE most pervasive myths about confidence is that it’s something you either possess or lack. The reality is more akin to a sliding scale that you move along, depending on your environment, who you’re with and what you’re doing — sometimes all in the course of a working day. You may feel amazingly confident performing 95% of your day job say, but crumble every time you’re asked to present before a large audience. Life changes, too, can impact your confidence, taking a career break to raise children, being made redundant or making inevitable mistakes at work or in your choices, can impact even the most outwardly confident.


PANIC ZONE

COMFORTZONE

LEARNINGZONE

If you’ve ever bitten off more than you can chew, you’re no doubt familiar with the sensations that overwhelm you in ‘the panic zone’. While boldness is of course to be admired, the premise of this workbook is that confidence is something that can take time, effort and commitment to build. While we encourage you to step out of your comfort zone, confidence, we believe, is best nurtured through calculated risks, careful goal planning and better self-awareness. We call this environment ‘the learning zone’. It’s here that individuals are stretched, skills sharpened and goals achieved.

Our dealings with thousands of businesswomen have given

us a lot to say on the subject of confidence, however it’s important to remember that true self-confidence can really only be defined by its owner. For one everywomanNetwork member, self-confidence right now might come down to finding the inner strength to grapple with the changes a work environment has gone through during her maternity leave. For another, it might be stepping away from the corporate world to realise her dreams of being an entrepreneur. With that in mind, we’ve collated a series of findings and musings on the subject of confidence that we hope will inspire you to think about what this very broad term means to you and your career at this moment in time. >


“You’re afraid of public speaking at work, so you avoid it at all costs, failing in the process to accrue presentation skills that could help build resilience against the fear, and so your anxiety continues. Children experience this cycle from a young age. For example, they fear they won’t be liked, so they turn down invitations to play with other tots; as a result, they fail to develop social skills and anxiety about their lack of popularity continues. Breaking the fear cycle is the same for adults as it is in childhood. Given help to acquire the tools to face the thing that scares them, children learn skills and build confidence that in turn reduces anxiety.”

“The role would push me out of my comfort zone, forcing me – an unconfident driver – to venture beyond the local streets I felt comfortable in, and go off to sell to complete strangers in their own homes. I returned from my first round resolute that I was going to quit. But then the orders started coming in, £400 on my first attempt, £2,000 on my second. My confidence bolstered, I began to get in touch with strengths that had been asleep for years. As a recovering alcoholic, I’ve had my fair share of struggles but out of all that came an ability to relate to people and their histories. Building rapport, so essential to sales, came easily to me.”

It’s human nature to avoid that which scares us — a limiting cycle that begins in early childhood. However, it can be broken through an understanding of the fear cycle and a determination to break free of it using the ‘learning zone’ versus the ‘panic zone’.

An everywomanNetwork member, who launched her career in her 40s, describes how she found her confidence through building awareness of her skillset. iii

“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case, you fail by default.”

Research by Tupperware, whose female employees make up 59% of the workforce, has found that when individuals feel more confident, the results have a positive impact on the bottom line. Interestingly, the most confident employees taking part in the study were the ones who had been given the space and safety to make mistakes. Those who’d been given permission to believe that “failure can be beneficial” were more confident, productive, innovative and optimistic. >

ANONYMOUS EVERYWOMANNETWORK MEMBER FROM OUR INCOGNITO COLUMN

ADAPTED FROM OUR EVERYWOMANNETWORK ARTICLE ON TERRI APTER’S BOOK, THE CONFIDENT CHILD

J K ROWLING ADDRESSING HARVARD GRADUATES WITH HER COMMENCEMENT SPEECH


EXERCISE

FREE WRITINGUse the space below to outline what confidence means to you right now. It might help to reflect on times you’ve been at your most and least confident and the circumstances surrounding them. Similarly, consider what being more confident means to you and what it would enable you to do. Reflect too on times that you have failed, how mistakes have impacted your confidence for the worse, but also for the better, through improved self-awareness, motivation or resilience.


HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?

CONFIDENCE, AS WE’VE discussed, can be thought of as an umbrella term that has many components, some of which will be deeply personal to you and your circumstances. There are, however, some core elements of confidence, one of which is assertiveness.

Assertive people come across as confident and in control. They express their views and opinions without appearing aggressive; they value the views and opinions of others and can influence outcomes. There are some key differences between 'assertiveness' and 'self-confidence', but they are also inextricably linked: >

ASSERTIVENESSCannot exist without there being interaction with another person.Assertiveness is how we externally demonstrate self-confidence.

SELF-CONFIDENCECan exist in isolation. Confidence gives you the inner strength to take control of a situation.

NON-ASSERTIVENESS May be seen as the use of inefficient communication skills, whereas assertiveness is considered a balanced response, being neither passive nor aggressive. Being assertive involves taking into consideration not only your own rights, wishes, needs and desires, but also those of the other person. Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wants and feelings so that both parties act appropriately. >

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVEIndividuals appear passive on the surface but are affected by dramatic emotions underneath the surface. Rather than confront an issue, they smile sweetly and carry out acts of sabotage on the focus of their resentment. This, again, is born from a feeling of powerlessness and a lack of self-esteem.


EXERCISE

Complete the quiz below to explore your levels of assertiveness.

1. How often do you feel that things are 'dumped' on you?

a. Quite a lot of the time, but that's how it is.

b. Not very often. I'm generally in control because I manage expectations.

c. No one would dare.

2. What do you do if you're struggling to be heard?

a. Nothing. The other person generally knows more than me.

b. I indicate when I'm going to speak by maintaining eye contact and using my body language.

c. I speak louder and more forcefully. That way, they have to listen.

3. How do you handle challenging conversations?

a. I tend to give in; I don't like conflict.

b. I listen to the other person, take stock of the situation and work towards a win win solution.

c. I'll go to any lengths to get my own way.


SCORING

MOSTLY As. This score indicates that you may be at the passive end of the assertiveness scale. Potentially, you are being taken for granted, or at least perceive that you are. It can be a good idea to seek the advice of a trusted colleague or mentor who may help you be more assertive. A passive person will avoid expressing their opinions, generally believing that they are not worth listening to. Passive people will usually not assert themselves or openly verbalise their feelings or needs, allowing others to ride roughshod over them. As a result, a passive person often feels anxious, depressed and sometimes resentful.

MOSTLY Bs. This score indicates that you are probably assertive. Remember, confidence and assertiveness are like muscles, so exercise them. An assertive person is very clear about their opinions, needs and feelings and is able to express these freely without fear of reprisal. They will also generally have a high regard for others, actively listening to other viewpoints and communicating in a calm and respectful manner.

MOSTLY Cs. This score indicates that you may come across as aggressive, causing needless tension at work. Assertiveness replacing aggression is the more balanced way and leads to greater results. Aggressive individuals are clear about their needs and opinions and will step over everyone to win. Verbal or sometimes physical abuse can be displayed in a variety of ways, from not respecting someone’s personal space to verbally attacking or ridiculing them. This ego state is generally born out of a feeling of powerlessness and a lack of self-esteem.

4. How do you feel you are viewed in the business?

a. I don't feel I am valued; I'm always overruled and ignored.

b. I feel respected and feel that most people would say I do a good job.

c. As long as I'm good at what I do, I don't really care what they think. What does it matter?

5. How do you feel about presenting to your peers?

a. I worry because I doubt my ability.

b. It's exciting to share the great things I'm involved in.

c. It's important that my peers understand how good I am.


HIGH OR LOW SELF-ESTEEM?

Self-esteem is the foundation on which your confidence is built. It is your overall evaluation of your worth or value. If you don't hold yourself in high regard, it’s unlikely you will behave confidently around others.

CAUSES OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

SELF-SABOTAGE

NEGATIVE THINKING

LOWEMOTIONAL

INTELLIGENCE


THE ROSENBERG SELF-ESTEEM SCALEDeveloped by Dr Morris Rosenberg, the Rosenberg self-esteem scale is used widely in social science research. It can be helpful in giving you a numerical indication of your self-esteem health — a guide, rather than a precise measure. The clearer you are about your self-esteem, the better you can learn to take care of yourself. >

STATEMENTS

STR

ON

GLY

AG

RE

E

AG

RE

E

DIS

AG

RE

E

STR

ON

GLY

DIS

AG

RE

E

1. I feel I am a person of worth, at least in equal place with others.

2. I feel I have a number of good qualities.

3. All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

4. I am able to do things as well as most people.

5. I certainly feel useless at times.

6. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

7. I take a positive attitude towards myself.

8. At times I think I am no good at all.

9. I wish I could have more respect for myself.

10. I feel I do not have much to be proud of.


For items 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7: Strongly agree = 3

Agree = 2Disagree = 1

Strongly disagree = 0

It is important to remember that your frame of mind when you take a questionnaire like this will slightly affect the results. That said, it will show where you sit compared with others, and reassure you that

most people have average self-esteem. It is perfectly common to not feel 100% positive, useful and effective at all times. If your score is low, don't worry. The next steps in this workbook will help you

become more confident in your day-to-day environment. If your score was medium to high, there are still many areas that you can focus on, such as goal setting and generating peer feedback. >

For items 3, 5, 8, 9 and 10: Strongly agree = 0

Agree = 1Disagree = 2

Strongly disagree = 3

SCORING

The scale ranges from 0-30. Scores between 15 and 25 are within normal range; scores below 15 suggest low self-esteem.

EXERCISE

Think about two periods in your working life: one when your self-esteem was high, the other when it was low. Think of this as your blue print for

maintaining high self-esteem. What lessons can you carry forward to support yourself when you feel your self-esteem take a hit?

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

Where were you in your career?

What wereyou doing?

In what ways did you behave

differently?

In what ways did you think

differently?

Where were you in your career?

What were you doing?

In what ways did you behave

differently?

In what ways did you think

differently?

LOW SELF-ESTEEM


Taking time out to periodically focus on your unique skills and talents is a fantastic way to bolster your self-esteem. Being confident means knowing what you do well and continuing to do it more; identifying and celebrating your strengths is important housework to be done around your confidence and self-esteem. >

UNDERSTANDING YOUR STRENGTHS

MOTHER

SISTER

FRIEND

CONFIDANTE

ASSISTANT

MENTOR

MENTEE

LEADER

BOSS

FOLLOWER

COLLEAGUE


EXERCISE

Think of all the many different roles you have performed over the last few days or weeks. Against each, note the ways in which

you performed this role with success.

ROLE SUCCESS


QUESTIONS TO ASKl What two things do you think I could focus on so that I would be perceived as more confident?

l In that presentation, what was my body language saying?

l What else could I have done to engage the client more?

l In your opinion, what are two or three of my strengths? Could you please provide an example of when you have observed them?

l What could I do differently to be more effective?

l What should my priorities be for my personal development?

l What specifically am I doing well? What could be done even better?

TIPS FOR GATHERING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACKl Make sure you are seeking feedback in order to develop your confidence, rather than just looking for approval or aiming to be congratulated.

l Make it easy for the person to give you useful and relevant feedback by being specific. Asking "How was my presentation?" will not normally get more than a "Great, well done".

l Seek from the right sources. Who will be most honest? Seek upward, peer and lower-level feedback.

l Accept the impact of the feedback (you don't have to agree with it, but you do need to listen). Evaluate before responding, and ask for specific examples if you want clarification on any points.

l Don’t interrupt. Focus on actions and next steps, don’t dwell on criticism and don’t be tempted to justify your position or behaviour.

Modesty, or a simple lack of experience in understanding your strengths, might have made the above exercise a challenge for you. That’s why when you search for confidence through acknowledging your strengths, it’s important to take a broad view, accepting as reinforcement the positive feedback you’ve received from others.

If your self-esteem is currently quite high, you might find it easy to work through the exercise again, asking what someone else could say in support of your achievements and behaviours within each role. If you struggle with this sort of mental role play, consider drafting in the opinion of someone you trust — a positive, supportive boss,

colleague, mentor or friend, who can help you to see things with fresh eyes.

If you’ve decided to seek help, you may wish to do this in a more formal manner, approaching someone and asking them for specific thoughts in relation to your self-esteem and how you can appear outwardly more confident.

FOR MORE INSIGHT, SEE THE EVERYWOMANNETWORK WORKBOOK GIVING & RECEIVING FEEDBACK.


IDENTIFYING PROBLEM AREASAS YOU’VE WORKED through the diagnostic tools and exercises, you may have already hit on particular areas of low confidence. Even so, it’s worth digging a little deeper to highlight your particular problem areas, so that you can move forward with knowledge. >

EXERCISE

For this exercise, you’re going to focus on a goal that you’ve wanted to achieve for some time but haven’t due to lack of confidence.

1. Summarise the goal below.

e.g. Become more confident in presenting at monthly update meetings.

1

2

3

4

5


2. Summarise the thoughts you’ve had about your ability to achieve this goal that have held you back.

e.g. Others are more qualified than I am to deliver; I won’t be taken seriously.

1

2

3

4

5


3. Now imagine that you are a supremely confident individual and you are about to smash your goal. What would you be doing or thinking differently?

e.g. I’d take confidence from the fact that my boss has asked me, and nobody else, to deliver this presentation, and I’d be practising my delivery as much as possible to ensure that I nail it.

1

2

3

4

5


4. What strategies can your real self borrow from your highly confident alter ego to aid your successful goal completion?

Repeat this exercise for as many goals as you’d like, remembering the ‘learning zone’ versus ‘panic zone’ theory. In doing so, you’re laying solid

groundwork for your confidence, on which you can build using the tips and strategies outlined in the next section.

e.g. I can talk to my boss to bolster my confidence about her belief in me. I can ring fence some time for rehearsal to give myself the best shot at a good delivery.

1

2

3

4

5


YOUR PERSONAL ADVISORY BOARD

Building your confidenceSection Il

IN THE PREVIOUS section you’ve worked towards acquiring some important self-knowledge around your self-esteem levels and confidence. Now you’re going to explore the ways that you can build on that knowledge to strengthen your confidence reserves so you can harness them when you need them most.

In ‘Understanding your strengths’, you tapped into the idea that third party input can be a valuable, confidence-boosting tool. Even if you’ve already invested time creating a strong network, it’s easy to fall into the trap of maintaining networks only when you need something, such as a new job or a reference. But your network can be just as useful for tapping into advice, challenge and support in your day-to-day working life.

Chances are, you already have a personal advisory board — a cluster of individuals whose input into your career you value above all other's. Some may play a mentor-type role, providing support when you most need it; another may be a challenger, someone who plays devil’s advocate when your thinking is too narrow. >

1


EXERCISE

INDIVIDUAL ROLES

1. Who’s on your personal advisory board at the moment? What role have they played in boosting your career and your confidence levels?


ADVISORY BOARD GAPS

STRATEGIES FOR PLUGGING THE GAP

2. As you identified those individuals who are enabling your career confidence, did you identify any gaps in terms of the type of input and support you need? What steps can you take to plug these gaps? For example, if you feel that you are lacking and could benefit from a more formal mentoring relationship, how can you go about finding a mentor and embarking on this process?


FINDING A MENTOR – KEY CONSIDERATIONSl A mentor doesn’t have to be a managerial figure, or even someone from within your organisation.

l A mentor isn’t necessarily a ‘yes person’ who tells you only what you want to hear. Be prepared to be challenged and if you’re not being challenged, ask for it!

l The responsibility for the agenda and the direction of each session lies squarely with the mentee — the more specific you make your needs, the better your mentor is likely to fulfil his or her role.

l Commit to actions. Being listened to and advised is great, but it’s meaningless unless all that talking turns into action. Be clear about what you’ll do, and take the time to share progress with your mentor.

l You’ll find more advice about giving and receiving mentorship in the everywomanNetwork workbooks ‘Becoming a mentor’ and ‘Getting the most out of being mentored’.

2


SMASHING LIMITING BELIEFS

THROUGH OUR MANY conversations with businesswomen the world over, everywoman knows that limiting beliefs are hugely common. Many senior and successful leaders have shared with us their experiences of ‘Imposter syndrome’ or the gremlin that sits on their shoulder and tells them they’re not good enough — that they’re just ‘faking’ success. Limiting beliefs can be hugely upsetting and damaging, not just to how confident you feel but how confident you appear to others.

I missed the deadline. It’s a total disaster.

NEGATIVE THINKING LESS-EFFECTIVE THINKING POSITIVE THINKING

I’m so nervous, I’ve blown it!

Don’t get anxious, you’ll blow it!

It’s natural to get nervous, but I’m here now

and I’m coping.

I was a total failure. Everyone will

think I’m an idiot.

I wasn’t a total failure. Maybe next time

I’ll do better.

There were some parts that were OK, and I know

exactly what I need to work on for next time.

I should have been more organised.

The work was done in the end, and I’ve picked up

some tips for how I can be more organised in future. I’m making progress. >

It’s not rocket science, after all, that if you consistently tell yourself that you’re going to be no good in that upcoming meeting, you’re unlikely to perform at your best. Whereas if you tell yourself that you’ve been invited for a reason and have a legitimate place at the table where you have plenty to contribute, you’ll perform better. But, of course, it’s easier said than done.

People often assume that turning negative thoughts into positive affirmations means going from “I can’t do this” to “I’m the best person to do this”, which might feel inauthentic. It’s much more useful to think about how you can tweak your thinking so that there’s a positive spin — an action you can take, a lesson or a goal that can spur you on.


Think about some negative or less-than-effective thoughts you’ve had about yourself, your work and your abilities. How can you reframe these positively in

a way that leaves you feeling more confident about a ‘next time’ scenario?

EXERCISE

NEGATIVE/INEFFECTIVE THINKING

POSITIVE REFRAMING


As you become more and more aware of your limiting beliefs, you might begin to notice patterns in the types of thoughts you have and when they crop up. Notice how they make you feel and what they stop you from being able to achieve. With practice, you can learn to observe limiting beliefs as they arise, as well as how you can put distance between these thoughts and encourage more enabling, positive beliefs. Indeed, some women say that they become so attuned to their limiting beliefs that they assign their voice to that of a gremlin, whose sole purpose is to bring them down. By making this gremlin figure into a hateful, unhelpful character they are able to smash limiting beliefs. Over time, you may find, as one everywomanNetwork member did, that you’re able to permanently silence the negative voice, and replace it with an alter ego of an altogether more empowering nature.

"One of the biggest revelations of my experience [with breast cancer] was the forcefulness of my inner voice. It had always been there, egging me on through challenging times in sport and at work, but during my illness, her voice became louder and clearer – I even named her Diane! If I was having an upsetting day, she was the one saying, ‘Come on, sort it out, you will get through this’. It was like having someone else going through it with me – an alter ego seeing things through a different lens. I know a lot of people have that voice in their heads telling them they’re not good enough, that they won’t succeed; mine can also be harsh, but she challenges me in the most positive ways. I’m the kind-hearted, sympathetic one; she’s the cut-and-dried, black-and-white, say-it-how-it-is one, asking: ‘Why are you even questioning whether or not to have a mastectomy? Do you want a fighting chance or not?’” >



SIX RULES OF POSITIVE THINKING

3HOW HAVE

YOU COPED IN THE PAST?

1DEAL IN

SPECIFICS, NOT

GENERALITIES 2NOTHING IS

EVER ALL BAD. LOOK FOR THE

POSITIVES

4 WHAT CANYOU DO TO

MAKE THINGS BETTER?

5FOCUS ON

OUTCOMES

6RELAX.

WORRYING MAKES YOU NEGATIVE

Sometimes negative thinking is less about a loud voice telling you you’re not good enough, and more about a mindset you can become stuck in. Perhaps there’s a goal you’re struggling to reach, or some aspect of work that, try as you might, you just don’t seem to be making progress with. In those situations, these are six rules for positive thinking: >


Using this framework, brainstorm the ways in which you could turn a problem or stressful situation, about which you’re having negative thoughts,

into something more positive that you can work with.

VALUES EXERCISE

Example

3 I 'VE BEEN

STRESSED, BUT I 'VE SELDOM LET IT SHOW

1 I 'M NOT TERRIBLE AT ALL MEETINGS;

THERE'S ONE IN PARTICULAR I NEED TO GET ORGANISED

FOR 2 I KEEP BEING

INVITED BACK, SO I MUST BE DOING

SOMETHING RIGHT!

4 I CAN WORK ON BETTER

CONTROLLING MY STRESS

LEVELS

5 IF THE NEXT

SESSION GOES WELL, I'LL FEEL LESS

STRESSED AND PROBABLY PERFORM

EVEN BETTER NEXT TIME

6BREATHING EXERCISES

BEFOREHAND WILL HELP BANISH THE

NEGATIVITY


IF THIS SECTION HAS TOUCHED A CHORD WITH YOU, YOU MAY WISH TO UNDERTAKE THE EVERYWOMANNETWORK WORKBOOK ‘SMASHING LIMITING BELIEFS’, WHERE YOU CAN EXPLORE

MORE METHODS FOR SILENCING YOUR INNER CRITIC.

Over to you...

3

1

2

4

5

6

3


SETTING ACHIEVABLE GOALS

Nothing bolsters self-confidence quite like successfully achieving a goal you’ve set for yourself. To complete this section, you’ll need to identify a target or goal you want to achieve — ideally something that really matters to you on a personal level, so that you’ll maintain the motivation to succeed. This is where the ‘panic zone’ is really best avoided — your goal should move you away from that place of inertia but not so far that you want to rush back when you encounter the first hurdle. The ‘learning zone’ should be your desired destination.

“The first stage is to ensure every goal is really important to me on a very personal level; I know that when the going gets tough, I’ll need to remind myself why I wanted this in the first place. The second stage is to break down every goal into manageable chunks; by defining the small steps I’ll take along the way, I’m much more likely to succeed. The final step is to continually review my goals. I do this monthly, examining whether or not the goal is still relevant, or if it’s evolved and I need to rethink its parameters. Taking this approach ensures I stay accountable.” >



1. Summarise your goal using SMART credentials (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely).

EXERCISE

Is this goal for right now? What would a realistic timeframe look like for putting together a plan and actioning it?

SPECIFIC

Summarise your goal in as tangible a way as possible (e.g. ‘Pick up the phone to at least one client for an informal chat each week’ is better than ‘Increase client contact’).

The more specific you make your goal, the easier it will be to determine whether you’re on track or have completed your goal successfully.

Your goal should be realistic. The only thing in your way may be your own limiting beliefs, but now you have strategies for silencing them, nothing is stopping you.

In what way does this goal support your wider plans for success? Is it at odds with anything in another area of your life?

MEASURABLE

ACHIEVABLE

RELEVANT

TIMELY


FREE WRITING2. Has the setting of this goal thrown up any new insights into your confidence or self-esteem that you need to address, e.g. any particular limiting beliefs or lessons about why you may have swayed off course in the past? What new strategies can you employ to ensure it’s different this time?

Outlining your goal and testing its SMART credentials is an important step to its successful completion. However, it is just a first step and one that’s meaningless unless it leads to action. Insight into the psychological aspect of goal setting, as well as the many tools and techniques that can aid the determined career woman, has come on leaps and bounds over recent years.

DELVE INTO SOME OF THIS RESEARCH IN THE EVERYWOMANNETWORK WORKBOOK ‘MAKEOVER YOUR GOAL PLANNING AND SUCCEED’ — THERE’S A VERSION TO SUIT ENTREPRENEURS, AND ANOTHER FOR CORPORATE EMPLOYEES.


The great news is that in undertaking this exercise, and feeling and seeing the positive changes it brings, there’s a strong chance that you’ll boost your confidence further — a truly virtuous circle. >

UNDERSTAND YOUR

CONFIDENCE

LEARN NEW CONFIDENCE

BOOSTING TECHNIQUES

APPLY TECHNIQUES

TO REALWORK

SITUATIONS

FEEL MORE POSITIVE, GAIN

GREAT FEEDBACK, IMPROVED

SITUATIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS

FEEL MORECONFIDENT

AS A RESULT

Developing your confidence strategySection lll

YOU’VE DONE A lot of thinking around your inner confidence. Now it’s time to apply some of that insight, and the techniques you’ve developed for bolstering your self-esteem, to the types of situations you encounter in your working life. It’s tempting to think about confidence as something you should simply possess, but like all skills, it requires purposeful practice. With that in mind, we’ve presented various workplace situations in which you can, over the coming weeks, test out some of your learning around confidence.


EXERCISE

In the table below you’ll find various examples and suggestions for how you can think about and apply your new-found confidence in your

working life. For each one, think about an upcoming situation where you can practise this skill, and record the results. >

SITUATION HOLDING A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION

When you are in the middle of a difficult situation, it can seem impossible to remain calm and see a positive way out.

This testing time can make or break your confidence.

1. Label the situation, not the person. Try to avoid labelling the person you’re dealing with as ‘difficult’.

2. Know what you want from the other person. Set your goal, but remember to use empathy.

3. Banish negative self-talk. Visualise the discussion or situation going really well, rather than thinking of the things that may go wrong.

4. Make sure your message matches what you are saying. Don’t make the other party work hard to understand you.

5. Listen, listen, and listen some more.We all know how great it feels to be listened to. Don’t cut them off. Don’t finish their sentences. Don’t say, “I know, but…”. Breathe deeply and listen.

6. Question without accusing.Use open questions as much as possible to get a dialogue going.


A SITUATION I CAN PRACTISE IN IS...

MY FINDINGS...


SITUATION

DELIVERING A PRESENTATION

Body language (or non-verbal communication) is also important, and particularly so in those situations where you are being observed

and judgments are being made about you.

Examples of non-verbal communication:l The degree of eye contact you make. l How you sit. l How you stand. l How quickly you speak. l The tone you use. l How you use hand gestures. l How much personal space you need.


MY FINDINGS...


SITUATIONMEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME

A confident woman...l Smiles. l Stands tall and upright, with feet planted firmly on the ground.l Maintains eye contact. l Uses arms and hands effectively. l Will be confident in her space. l Has a voice and tone that attracts attention.


MY FINDINGS...


SITUATION

HOLDING A 1-2-1

Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. You know how easy it is to speak to another person without listening attentively. You are often distracted, half

listening and half thinking about something or someone else.

Active listening involves: l Showing the speaker that you are interested and paying attention. l Asking appropriate questions that clarify and reflect what the speaker has said – in other words, reflecting or mirroring questions. l Encouraging the speaker to expand on an issue.


MY FINDINGS...


Your personal action plan

1 Summarise the situations in which you currently feel truly confident. How can you better harness this confidence going forward?

Summarise the situations in which you currently lack confidence. What techniques can you employ in each of those situations to improve your self-esteem?

Of the ideas and techniques discussed in this workbook, which will you commit to employing over the coming weeks? What will you do, and by when? >

2

3


4 Outline a challenge or activity that will move you out of your comfort zone and into the ‘learning zone’. What steps will you take?

List any I-statements or feedback statements about yourself, your skillset and your ability to confidently succeed that affirm your self-confidence.

Outline the ways you will use what you have learned to achieve a goal that you’ve set yourself in your personal or professional life. What affirmative actions will you take to get the ball rolling?

5

6

What further resources will you draw on to continue on your journey towards improved confidence?7


everywoman ExpertsEVERYWOMAN CREATES RESOURCES on topics that matter most to our Network members.We draw on member surveys and the latest thinking from the academic and business worlds, as well as our own experiences as we navigate our careers. Each workbook offers practical advice, enabling tangible actions for your daily working lives.

EVERYWOMAN WORKBOOK TEAM

Rebecca Lewis, Associate Editor and WriterAnna Melville-James, EditorKate Farrow, Head of Partnerships

Any topics you’d like to see covered on the everywomanNetwork? We’d love to hear from you: [email protected]

MAXINE BENSON, MBE & KAREN GILL, MBE

Co-founders of everywoman, Karen and Max have spoken to thousands of women about

the challenges they face at work. Through their own experiences of starting a business, they

uncovered a real need for a network where female entrepreneurs and businesswomen could interact and share experiences. The everywomanNetwork, launched in 2013, serves as a truly global tool to enable members the world over to propel their

careers or businesses through online membership.


Further reading

everywomanNetwork resources

Workbook: DEVELOPING YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Workbook: PREPARING FOR A SUCCESSFUL APPRAISAL

Workbook: RETURN TO WORK WITH CONFIDENCE

Video: MITZIE ALMQUIST’S SECRET TO BUILDING CONFIDENCE

Article: CONFIDENCE-BOOSTING APPS: 6 OF THE BEST

External resources

Book: The Confident Child by Terri Apter

Endnotes

i https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/ ii http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/curt-rice/how-mckinseys-story-became-sheryl- sandbergs-statistic---and-why-it-didnt-deserve-to_b_5198744.htmliii https://www.everywoman.com/my-development/learning-areas/articles/returning- work-after-breast-cancer-survivor’s-life-and-career

Copyright

This edition © 2017 Everywoman Ltd. All rights reserved worldwide. This publication is protected by law and all rights are reserved, including resale rights: no part of this publication may be reproduced and you are not allowed to make copies and distribute or sell this workbook to anyone else. No responsibility for loss caused to any individual or organisation acting or refraining from action as a result of the material in this publication can be accepted by Everywoman Ltd or the authors/experts.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/curt-rice/how-mckinseys-story-became-sheryl-sandbergs-statistic---and-why-it-didnt-deserve-to_b_5198744.html http://

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/curt-rice/how-mckinseys-story-became-sheryl-sandbergs-statistic---and-why-it-didnt-deserve-to_b_5198744.html http://

https://www.everywoman.com/my-development/learning-areas/articles/returning- work-after-breast-cancer-survivor’s-life-and-career

https://www.everywoman.com/my-development/learning-areas/articles/returning- work-after-breast-cancer-survivor’s-life-and-career

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