Beyond Academics: Social Emotional Needsof the Gifted

By Carolyn Kottmeyer

©2005-2014 Carolyn Kottmeyer

Who am I? Carolyn Kottmeyer, a.k.a. Mrs. Hoagie Director, Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page

Hoagies’ Gifted Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter ERIC EC NO paid advertisements

Board Member, SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)

Parent of two profoundly gifted young adults

Who are you? Why are you here?

Parent? Teacher? Administrator / Counselor Outside professional?

What do you hope to take from this session?

Needs of the Gifted… Academic needs

Advanced classes Subject or grade acceleration

… at least 13 options A Nation Deceived www.nationdeceived.org

Social / Emotional needs Positive social interactions

Not teased, bullied, excluded Friendships… Acceptance!

Unshelved

By Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum ©2003 Overdue Media LLC

Have you ever heard…? The gifted child must learn to…

Get along Fit in Play with Work with

… his / her age peers… … “normal” kids…

Have You EVER Heard…? The other children must learn to…

Get along Fit in Play with Work with

… THE GIFTED CHILD???

Why??? Must the “fitting” always be done by the

gifted child? Are the gifted child’s needs and feelings

never considered? What does this do to social / emotional

development of the gifted child?

When…? After 6 straight games of Candyland,

when does the 5-year-old gifted child get his “peers” to play Battleship with him?

Who will act in the gifted child’s elaborate play acting… Or even hold still long enough to hear the

parts??

Terman… “Precocity unavoidably complicates the

problem of social adjustment. The child of eight years with a mentality of twelve or fourteen is faced with a situation almost inconceivably difficult. In order to adjust normally, such a child has to have an exceptionally well-balanced personality and be well nigh a social genius. The higher the IQ, the more acute the problem.” (Louis Terman, 1931)

Social / Emotional Needs Acceptance

Kids: Classmates Adults: Teachers, Parents

Friends Two-way relationships Similar level of friendship

Pitfalls of Social Development “Of all the special problems of general conduct which the

most intelligent children face, I will mention five, which beset them in early years and may lead to habits subversive of fine leadership: (1) to find enough hard and interesting work at school; (2) to suffer fools gladly; (3) to keep from becoming negativistic toward authority; (4) to keep from becoming hermits; (5) to avoid the formation of habits of extreme chicanery” -- Leta S. Hollingworth, Children Above 180 IQ, Origin and Development, 1942

Social Development Social Development

“a deep, comfortable level of self-acceptance that leads to true friendship with others” (Silverman, 1992)

≠ Socialization

“the ability to adapt to the needs of the group”

Successful Social Development Self acceptance Freedom to be themselves “Children need to be aware of and

accept their own extreme reactions and emotions without shame or embarrassment.” (Rivero, 2002)

Successful Social Development Friends with similar interests, intensities Adult acceptance Must be allowed to learn and play with

other children like them Must know there are others like them –

they are NOT alone

Successful Social Development Make sure kids have social interaction

ALONG with appropriate academics Early college kids still need kid social

time Don’t go AWAY to college until you can

experience ALL of college Maybe Graduate School

Imagine…“Imagine that you live [where] everyone is convinced that in order for children to have appropriate social adjustment they must be grouped with children who are of similar height. That way no one feels bigger or smaller than anyone else and it is easier to play team sports. You happen to be extremely short. In fact, you are in the bottom two percentile in height, so you have been grouped with children three years younger than you who are the same height. You are nine years old and they are six. You will be with this group for the next twelve years. There is no way out of the situation because everyone on this planet agrees that this is best for your social adjustment. What does this feel like to you? What do you do to survive? (Linda Silverman, 1993)

Gifted Children are thought… Immature

Crying / tantrums / over-sensitive Unsocial

Refusing to play with classmates Shy

Prefer solitary play / reading

May Be More Mature! Prefer complex games

Detailed role playing Searching for new experiences

Sensitive / empathetic Seeking deeper friendships Often turn to books

When age peers / classmates don’t meet their needs…

Who lacks maturity? The child who can adjust her play to fit other

kids in her class for an hour, a day, or a week, but eventually has a tantrum in frustration?

The child who sits and reads while the other kids play, because she has nothing in common with age “peers?”

The child who prefers the company of older children or adults?

Hollingworth… “To have the intelligence of an adult

and the emotions of a child combined in a childish body is to encounter certain difficulties.”

“The years between four and nine are probably the most likely to be beset with problems.” (Leta S. Hollingworth)

What is a “Peer”? Dictionary definition: “One that has

equal standing with another” Psychological definition: “Those at a

similar level of behavioral complexity” Where do these definitions mention

having the same birth year?

Who are YOUR Peers? People who share your interests

Hobbies / Passions Children / Gifted Children Job

Were all YOUR peers born the same year you were?

Who are gifted child’s peers? People they have something in

common with Classmates in APPROPRIATE level

academic classes People who share their hobbies People who work in their passion areas

A Gifted Child’s Story Throughout her life, the child has sought out

older friends At two, her best friend & constant companion was

13 months older By four, her friends were 6. She yearned for a

“best friend” (her words) at an age when other children engage in parallel play

At 11, her best friends were 14-15 year old gifted kids from her middle school… she told her parents that “these are the kids I will graduate with.”

At times when she could not find a friend, she sought out adults, parents of neighbor children!

Gross’ Factors of Friendship 1 – Play Partner

Shares toys and games, includes you 2 – People to chat to

Lot of friends, likes the same TV and music, very popular with other kids

3 – Help and encouragement Shares sense of humour, helps you, talks

about things that worry you, encourages

Factors of Friendship 4 – Intimacy / empathy

Shares your hopes and dreams, understands your deepest feelings, feels the same about things that are important, wants to be with you when they are lonely or happy

Many adults do not reach this level What happens when gifted kids / teens

DO?

Factors of Friendship 5 – Fidelity – the sure shelter

Accepts you for what you are, will be honest about what they think about you, will keep on being your friend even if you quarrel, won’t talk about you behind your back

Many people NEVER reach this level of friendship…

Gifted Friendships Significant differences found between

average and gifted / highly gifted children

Significant differences also found between girls and boys Girls friendship concepts appear 2 - 4

years ahead of boys Most significant at third grade, decreasing later

Gifted Friendships No significant differences were found

between gifted and highly gifted children

BUT…

Gifted Friendships Significant differences found in small

sampling of exceptionally / profoundly gifted children, compared to gifted / highly gifted children… Very small sample – 34 eg/pg children More research needed

A Sure Shelter… “A faithful friend is a sure shelter;

whoever finds one has found a rare treasure.” (Ecclesiasticus, 6:14)

Rare means exceptional, incomparable…but it also means “scarce”

Thanks to Miraca Gross “From “play partner” to “sure shelter”

How conceptions of friendship differ between average ability, moderately gifted and highly gifted children” www.hoagiesgifted.org/play_partner.htm

We are not alone!

Not our kids,Not us.

How to find friends? (Younger) Other young gifted children Older children

“Mother’s Helper” Specific friends for specific types of play

Swing / bike / etc. with age peer Talk about books with older child Work on science projects with adult friend

How to find friends? (Older) Other gifted children Talent Searches

www.hoagiesgifted.org/talent_search.htm Elementary, middle and high school

programs Fall testing for following summer’s

programs Out of level testing

Friends in Person Hobby groups

Adult groups often accept competent youngsters with (and later without) adult companion

Chess Remote Control (RC) planes Museum aids Religion / Bible study Lots more…

Friends in Person Gifted Conferences

State conferences National Conferences

SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)

Beyond IQ – Boston area Davidson Young Scholars

Friends in Person Parent Connections

Mailing Lists TAGFAM / TAGMAX / TAGPDQ GT-Families / Gt-Special

Facebook Pages and Groups Hoagies’ Gifted Education FB Page SENG, NAGC Gifted Homeschoolers Forum Lots of others, big and small

Electronic Friends Internet

Mailing lists Facebook/Google groups

Text / Skype / Google Chat …with real-life friends …with kids of your e-friends Minecraft

Electronic Friends Safe teen chat spaces

Sheroes - She-heroes, based on appreciation of Tamora Pierce books – girls / young women

Haven – founded by a gifted Canadian teen CTY Cogito – “Connecting young thinkers around

the world” Online communities

With parental supervision! 10 Safer communities… bit.ly/qkInjI

ScuttlePad, Togetherville, WhatsWhat.me…

True Friend Someone at the same level of

friendship Shares interests of gifted child Maybe not the same age

May even be an adult… Maybe not the same level of giftedness But these would be ideal…

Sometimes difficult to find Even more difficult when outgrown!

How many friends? Average children tend to have more

friends Popularity counts

Gifted children tend to have 1 or 2 deeper friendships Early change to considering friends

qualitatively And that’s OK!

Introvert Recharges alone, with self and

surroundings Prefers a small group to a party Enjoys spending time alone

May find it difficult to share feelings Prefers to watch first, mentally rehearse Strong sense of personal space

Extravert Recharges from others

Enjoys a group rather than being overwhelmed

Drained by being alone Lets you know what he thinks and feels Frequently interjects, doesn’t mind

interruptions Needs verbal input and approval

Shy or Outgoing? Not necessarily tied to introvert /

extravert Can be shy and extraverted, or Outgoing and introverted

May be changed / outgrown Best not to force change

Gifted: Introvert or Extravert? General population*

70% Extravert 30% Introvert

Gifted population inverse… 30% Extravert 70% Introvert

*Controversial: some research suggests 50/50

Gifted: Introvert or Extravert? Exceptionally Gifted population is said

to be 80%+ Introverted! Though many do not seem introverted

when they’re in a comfortable group of eg/pg friends…

And that’s OK!

Gifted = AsynchronousGiftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching, and counseling in order for them to develop optimally. – The Columbus Group, 1991

Multiple ages… Physical age

Eye development, coordination, experience Mental age

Academics, subjects of interest Asynchronous academic levels

Emotional age Varies, usually in between…

Spiritual age

Emotion…“Emotion cannot be treated separately from intellectual awareness or physical development. All three intertwine and influence each other.” -- Annemarie Roeper, 1981

Physical vs. Mental Age Gifted child of IQ 130 is mentally similar

to average child… Physical age 5 = mental age 6.5 Physical age 9 = mental age 11.7

But without the life experiences… Maybe… Gifted children often experience and

understand much younger

Physical vs. Mental Age Disparity becomes more dramatic as IQ

increases… Exceptionally gifted 5 = mental age 7.7 Profoundly gifted age 5 = mental age 9

“But people don’t know your mental age, and don’t acknowledge you for your mind, or talk to you like your mental age.”

Highly gifted high school student, age 11

Emotional Age Usually between mental and physical

age Often closer to mental age than

physical age Varies, depending on activity, situation,

how tired… lots of factors

Emotional Support Model positive values Be optimistic Treat their concerns as real Volunteer…

Food collection Reading programs

Gear support to the child’s concerns

Spiritual Age The 5 year old who wants to help all

homeless people get off the streets The 6 year old who chooses to become

vegetarian, to save the animals The 11 year old who wonders why she

exists in this world! Existential depression…

Spiritual Higher level of morality Disturbed by social injustice Deep philosophical questions

At surprisingly young age!

www.stephanietolan.com/spirituality.htm

Spiritual Support Treat their questions as real Listen! Discuss

Or find people to discuss with them Pastor, rabbi, adult friend

Not necessarily in YOUR religion

Difficult expectations Parents expectations are often closer to

mental age Sometimes punish the gifted for “acting

their age” “Current age” neon forehead sign!

Gifted children need the chance to think at their own levels as much as they need the chance to play at their own levels

Difficult expectations School expectations are almost

universally closer to physical age Many punish the gifted for preferring older

students, subjects, activities, curriculum Hold back or worse, try to “fix” the child

Gifted children need the chance to think at their own levels as much as they need the chance to play at their own levels

Most Difficult Expectations The gifted child often expects far more

of himself than he can deliver 8 year old brain, working through 5 year

old hands… frustration! 11 year old social conscience in 6 year old

mind… Sees the injustice, but considered too young to

take action… Sometimes develops intense fears

Social Emotional Pitfalls…

Outdoor Play! Our generation had more outdoor free play

time; Our kids have more screen time Outdoor free play linked to Creativity, Self-

esteem, Independence & autonomy, Sensory development, Social interaction, more!

Lack of outdoor play linked to violence and anti-social behaviors

Solution: Geocaching! www.hoagiesgifted.org/geocaching.htm

Underachievement Mindset Teachers and parents may create

perfectionism / underachievement Early praise for being smart, rather than for

effort When things eventually get challenging,

kids think they can’t do it because they aren’t smart enough!

Positive Praise Praise for effort, not result

All kids should have to work at academics Appropriate level work!

Praise for specifics I like how you described the characters… Not: Great job on this assignment

Appropriate Difficulty ALL children need schoolwork that

challenges them Without challenge children don’t learn…

Hard work Study skills Failure, and recover from failure

Mindset, by Carol Dweck Fixed mindset

I must be perfect (or people won’t like me) Failure = lack of competence or potential Don’t want to work to improve weakness

Because it means admitting weakness! Variable mindset

Willing to admit failures And work to improve and try again

The Wrong Thing… Forcing the gifted child to be someone

she is not may cause… Hiding her true “self” Perfectionism Underachievement Imposter syndrome Low self-esteem Depression, or worse

Perfectionism Never happy with less than perfect

results Endless corrections Never finished even simplest tasks

Often doesn’t recognize own efforts as “good enough” Sometimes frozen by the imperfection

Perfectionism Adult expectations, or self-expectations

don’t meet up with reality… Asynchrony – 9 year-old ideas, but 6

year-old hands to complete the ideas… frustration!

Learning disabilities, but the understanding of “what could be”

Help the Perfectionist Model…

Mistakes Spilt milk!

Imperfection Realistic goals

Good enough for the situation Offer support… unconditionally Unconditional love

Fear of Perfectionist… After years of praise for little effort,

when the perfectionist isn’t producing perfect results at more difficult tasks, he may fear rejection from those who love or respect him, since he can no longer provide “perfect” results…

Underachievement Task problems

Doesn’t care about task Not interesting enough to focus on Boredom (the forbidden word)

Fear of failing Failing by choice is easier than failing by

accident Fear of success

Underachievement Support Model expected behavior

Watch yourself for… Procrastination Smoke / Drink Complaining about job / life

Don’t rescue Natural consequences

Imposter Syndrome More common in gifted females, but

occurs in gifted males too! If I do something well…

Accident or chance If I do something poorly…

My fault – didn’t try hard enough Fear of “being caught”

…so they don’t try!

Over-sensitivities Gifted children take in ALL senses

faster Academics Hearing, sight, taste, touch

May be “over” sensitive… Tags in shirts, seams in socks Loud noises / too much silence Bright lights / too much darkness Crowded spaces / loneliness

Social / Emotional Needs The needs of the gifted child are the

same as any other child… Peers with similar interests Friends at similar levels of friendship Acceptance for who THEY are

Not who others think they should be Not necessarily what their physical age

prescribes!

Gifted Children Need… To be children!

Carefree and fun and safe Unconditional love of parents

To be themselves!! Learn at their own level and pace Play their own games Accepted by friends, school, church,

society…

Gifted Children…“Gifted children are not better or faster than others, nor do they necessarily excel in the usually considered areas. They are basically different from other children… They have special awareness. They are concerned with the complexities of the world.” -- Annemarie Roeper, 1986

Professional Development GERRIC Professional Development Package for

Teachers Identify the gifted & talented students in your class or school,

and differentiate the curriculum to respond to their individual learning needs.

Decide which students may benefit from various forms of ability or interest grouping, and which may possibly be candidates for one or more of the many forms of academic acceleration.

Explore a wide range of issues in the cognitive and social-emotional development of gifted students.

https://education.arts.unsw.edu.au/about-us/gerric/resources/pd-package/

Internet Resources SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)

SENGifted.org Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page

Pages on Social Emotional, Underachiever, Perfection, Imposter Syndrome, ….

HoagiesGifted.org Stephanie Tolan

Non-fiction articles, fiction for gifted children / young adults

StephanieTolan.com

Print Resources: Kids/Parents Smart Teens' Guide to Living with Intensity: How to

Get More Out of Life and Learning A Parent's Guide to Gifted Teens: Living with Intense

and Creative Adolescents Both by Lisa Rivero

Being Smart About Gifted Children By Dona Matthews and Joanne Foster

Gifted Kids Survival Guides (10 and under, Teen) Both by Judy Galbraith and Jim Delisle

101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids By Christine Fonseca

Print Resources Counseling the Gifted and Talented

Linda Silverman, editor Annemarie Roeper: Selected Writings

and Speeches Understanding Our Gifted

Social/Emotional, Volume 14, Issue 3 Mindset

Carol Dweck

Beyond Academics: Social Emotional Needsof the Gifted

Thank you for caring!

Socialization… “Many well-meaning persons speak of

such efforts as “socializing the child,” but it is probably not in this way that the very gifted can be socialized.” -- Leta S. Hollingworth, Children Above 180 IQ, Origin and Development, 1942

Secret Weapon – IQ to grade

 Age

IQ

 4.0 5.0 6.0 7.0 8.0 9.0 10.0 11.0 12.0

13.0 14.0

15.0 16.0

100 4.0 5.0

K.0

6.0

1.0

7.0

2.0

8.0

3.0

9.0

4.0

10.0

5.0

11.0

6.0

12.0

7.0

13.0

8.0

14.0

9.0

15.0

10.0

16.0

11.0

1305.2

K.2

6.5

1.5

7.8

2.8

9.1

4.1

10.4

5.4

11.7

6.7

13.0

8.0

14.3

9.3

15.6

10.6

16.9

11.9

18.2

13.2

19.5

14.5

20.8

15.8

1606.4

1.4

8.0

3.0

9.6

4.6

11.2

6.2

12.8

7.8

14.4

9.4

16.0

11.0

17.6

12.6

19.2

14.2

20.8

15.8

22.4

17.4

24.0

19.0

25.6

20.6