Before the Living God - Ruth Burrows

8/16/2019 Before the Living God - Ruth Burrows

1/127


2/127

g G


3/127


4/127

Before the

Living God

VLL W RY


5/127

Pub by

DMNON OOK Nw J

F Ac E

SBN #

Copyright© 1975 b Daniel Mulns. Fist pubished 975 This edition(second mpession) 1979 Al ighs reserved bs R. J Cuming,Censor pu David Noris Vicar Geneal Westminste 7 May

1975


6/127

o ay o may oo on man rn aay or y

I 53:


7/127


8/127

CONTENT

To Mor Ea o J

Yor mrcy gr m Yor an pon m 3 Yo ar min Yor ac I 5 Groaning in raai 59 6 Y i I r

7 Liing ig 8 Cri i in m

(vii)


9/127


10/127

JCm

n nn gg n (0 nn In l n g nd I

n n n d m n nn n dnn n n dd ndn n n d m m n nn m n m

n n d g I m n m n ddgn n n m n ng n n ml l n n n m m I n n n m n n d gzng

n g d n h md

n n n nd g Mn n n d I n nd d n n n nm


11/127

Befoe the living Go

og i anxii an oy o c popl . My xpnci no i p o I m o a gi o aig omo aiiy o loo a an xp m a ona aing on my on xpnc a lp m an I, i my

pig poiion a la a o om mI o ay a a an o o pop i a a aly

ma i in Go a i canno ni a o al an a oo in poy a m iing o go o Go i mpy an an a ol maning o xinc an on conming i o ar o Go i

a ol o o, many piial pon olmi a my na Ty a lily o mm: B no alla can a a in any iia oo. Do in iing oming n l I can ay i a alog I oo anon i in oy i i ony no a i i inga ino my i a o i m. Poay in i ya im o n nx ya Ii ai a no I no nx o nong ao i a i moooing a my a in liing o Go aning ony im, I inac a oming i y aning o m Ty a no com opc Ty l y a piia ai ca i ano appn o m an a a no appn o m; y ly a mi o on oming ca i xpnc cainon o a ic ai on pay an conmpai

i m o man a ign o a ly anic pia i Tyno y a o y Go an a paing o im an y ian inina anxiy ic inii a oal n o loic ig gap n io man o oman an ain I m o m a Go i aing on ing mo an onyon ing mo an i pciy i a y a ing o giI i in ac p nia an o in om ay in

ic y a ing o o ing o Go an a i ying o Go goo pa om i can a. Ti alm o m o ping om ac o inig an naning c-ainy no om ac o goo i I a popl giinggno o a g l o o o Go an y i anxio iian o a p ic il la m om m

an y m in Go. I m ning i a n o ai o


12/127

To Moth Elsa of sus

n ia on prayr i mig prap ork ttr hough thi irainy no rm y ou u Yoga Zen necoa may a oming o or I long o coninc m har i no n or i a r an no in r pren un-aiaory a in i ailur Go i gig ime o ema i a o poy i priy a an and hi ay inom . a aour i lo o opn up i ay an l heyno ock i I cou l m a in ac y ar urning rom raig pa up mounain pa o po, an ching ining roa o pirual r

I a knon i ou i arng anxiy o a gful deeFor nary iry yar I a grop in arkne Bu o o x-n a any ra no I In ay o arng an iaog ianno oug ou o pa pr an prumpion o an oar my inig i or Tr i aoluy nog xra-orinary or inring in my i. I i omply commonplaceu i may a r ommonpacn i lp or I

a i i in ory o my i o my on ar an ourny,a a I an o ay il ra an may rik om in a aya a pury oria xpoiion o ru nr dor again my on xprn gi i auran

T auoiograpy o anor oman a n rom arlyyar o my uring iiu piriua li one o God ay o

ringing m ig an pa. I a my on rlc in r anr gro an inig am my inig I rr o Tr oLiiux You kno Ela a an inpiraion a n o many im a ak ogr o r . or canno xpra I unran aou Tr an r miion Ony in you aI oun a imiar grap o r orin. I ar a, in gra pa, rmag a aln on a ar. a no n in o An

i a o om xn n unroo in e paoug Ia I mu quion o many a raly unroo r ioroo oay Y i m o m r i a ing n aa a aug u ou gin o mo orl I amo a morn gnraion a no im or r . I oul anra y o no no r I a aing i young rligiou,

apian or rigiou i an young omn in or n3


13/127

Bfor th lvng Go

o liig fo od. ppo m i ir piriod prolm I fid mf poo pig of T Ig m o d pg fom ig. Tr fid i S i dd o

Rig id of oiogp I prpd o oo o Tr o o o ogi id I oldi m lif fo o iid i od i ilf xpoiio ofS T do i idiom of or im Y, I ii m b I op i i o I op oo i ill b i i o m d pii ir o i I o

o mTi oo il rl oig o o El I i r r

dil of m lif i o do o o b m o o o. I i ig I m fo po o f r drood bor o ompl ofid o i o dpdo o l o of i g iiio i

m o of of d o io o od. Ti pi- gif gi o m. i o ffirmd m dpiig d oio i od i oldpid do o gi i id d d idd i omig ipiig i od og o d mogr o diffr i god d mpm d i od d og og fom d of .

So o I m gi m o o i lo d i M mmo i. Mo o oo o d of i ooo d l i i i d m mo id i r of od.

4


14/127

1

I a bon no od a o n o ong ad o a o m ooga ang nk

xanaon n ga a n d ob aggaad bman I o af m a o m da an I od b mob o

o d I od m a o d o akno o a o a n og I n To m and add and o od gd ndna moon o o n o ng No n I

a an ad od I a o oo on m ob an mam a man on. T m o no o a nomo an an.

mo ognd od d o m b a omnaab o nng no a no dob a aab ofndandng n m a T a nong ad abo m

mo. S a an an nd I am ffdnm and dmb bo ng a a m . I n on o aon o a m a j on an a ng o A fo m aa I am dd no ndand m and a no o om m . . man o gnaon and a a nm no on o bng n and fo x

o ana I am a a an m o f To aaaan a a ng man m a of fa A d a n add a aond and fd n a o o o In m a dood a mdmn a T d aanng dd no om n oa o a n I a a a no o o

o ndna o a a qng n5


15/127

Before the ng G

m ow, probabl al h mor pal ha was oafrom hm ad s mafsaos ms hav b xpabl ahmlag. s a pa o m ow ha d o sa hbr I was h o who old hav hlp hm As was, mh as

od hm I had o ral ma wh hmI hr h of a faml of gh, sm o mslf h

wo sharpl ffrg mprams of m pars ss haah fad m h sr of h ohr whh f ah sffrgAs hav sa, am sr m mohr od o omprh hmafsaos of m fahr's ssv No omprhg hm

sh wod msr hm O hs sd m fahr wold shrfrom showg hr hs hd fars v f h wr awar of hmTh od o aohr dpl, of ha hav o ob a mwas o rva ambgosl, b vab hr wr sos,sos whh rah a lmax wh I was s Ths sa ofso aggaa m bor fa

Aso m poso h fam was favorabl for a ovr

ssv hld l mor ha wv mohs v s hldrfom o aohr h am o h s m mohr alra hadhr hads f was js wl mohs old wh Jams was boTh sag of s ddlg was ovr for m h ssp ha Idd mor ha m ordar sar ad possb rv ss hah ohrs. as ha I smd rsrd a p? a

rmmbr oog o o wh jaos( ao rmmbrfg alos of a mmbr of m faml h h pdrss whh bod m h flsh o m brohrs a ssrsrd o h possb of alos Th wr pa of m)b whogg I ogd o b dd ad hgg ookg bak o mhdhood ms sg o far as h prporag moo asfar as I a ral M drams as a hld wr rrfg Th pra-

g o was of hlg, sdg dow a gr, slm, dar abssas hs a mmor of bh sf ? M mohr od m ha m brhwas dff ad ha sh was l. was p asd ad, o s hr owword gd whs ao was gv o hr Thr s somhg aw sprg rag h mom of os brh mabrh wsh od spak adqa of hs p ms a doohg b rall h rab wodr ha od oo had a

6


16/127

Your er gree e

huan bh: he cae nto he world as w co o drnk wth u the btter cup of huanns He drak o and thereby tranfoed ts btteess Btr s s d y for h lp eet our over the br

For e there were bogey dden n ve dark n thng unteted and untred. would scra ad kk when ute unwttngly tho n charge of e ndud ooe new expernce. wa a lvely cd bght and ay udynexplcably, n the d of gaety, would dssolve no a d ftear Mne were not uet unobtruv oes On t co y

were vocferou and accopaned by fghtng sptg racookng back would ay that alost always y s nothng but fear and wounded entvty oon tytrod on y t a ene of enace perhap due to a passn odor a darkenng atophere, would suddeny descend on ydefencelene reacted wth olent tors

My father ued often to take u out for pcnc or drves no t

count nvarably would pot ysef at th back wdow of car o that coud watch for any lons or tge ha bu outof the wood and wa Daddy to dve faster. told no o of thsfear, fear whh changed ter haracter as the yea wet by Bythe te wa nne year old t wa terror of beng kdnappd for had heard talk of kdnappng and urders feard brds ad

tarae ollapng Gong up n a lft, beg on second of btore ung n teo to y other' hand. rber that eat eleen yea of age, enturng on to a per at the asd dsgraed yef, gvng way to teor a n a aw te sea beneatthe latted board cung bg gl that wa to y oer dny fae n her coat unt we reached the end wher the bad wplayng She at e n a corner, coeng y eyes wh a ewspapr

o that oud not ee the wate al about usThere wa anothe de to y character whch cae o no

evdence a grew older. had haracter a they say could y own way and wa hewd enough to act a part for hs end aut ad that I aed the ght to eel at the back wndow of har Th wa neer duted. Lkewe claed a pecal place a

tabe The whoe faly undertd that ths was e and by u


17/127


18/127

Your mrc gts m

madow, onc a a f ga and flow bcom a bldng Y, I fl ll and ha o ag wh mlf o g n ppc- I can ba n pac on b flcg ha h nc ofba na and nohng can do M ha cng wh ao of fanacm o m m hom and gadn Th wa a alhawhon hdg a h nanc and h nchand m wh maof wh bloom ah dcdd ndd pnng. Whn I hadh wa cng down I hd o and babod hm wh bwod f no wh bow fmng and wpng ad m wold b all h b n a a o wo a a o

mall chld omhng dfng magnaon and who a Iwa h pn ha mad h pn wh m hawhowond dod Ionca m fah had an qa o foal naa hng wold ha bn h a o do anhng . Ihn h ndood m ag; canl I wa no coldd

nfan Jam and I w n h am claoom n o ool ma chool wo cla had h on oom Th nfan

fnhd afoon choo a han h oh and h and Id hom ogh. I wa af nogh ho wal and wboadd a am whch oo o h mn a h f of a hll fom whch banchd off h dadnd oad a h nd of whchwa o hom. om m o m I wold fnd mf who hpnn nndd fo o fa I wa oo h o h ach and

pfd o a h i of alng a d Uall I go awa wh .Th condco w nd mn d o chdn and mad nof la on on of h pnnl id an npco go on andbgan o a fo c I had non o how Wh o fa?I' lf n m pnafo oc n h blad oom', I ad (hblad oom of h paih clb d a h nfan laoom)Yo' go o nafo on ad Jam nd o I had nd m

coa. Th fac wa I nw I had o h pnn b dd no wan oadm ha Scl I wa fghnd b p on an a of dgn andn od o ndca o h nco ha I had no mo o a dm had o h wndow and bgan pacng m adng pllngo alod h admn on h pacad 0VRI Lo pad down h ln.

ah hima id a of ha h wa no h

9


19/127

Before te iing God

sightest dobt Heena had actay heard the s of s segh twas ony natra that she shod be the favod one steed ain We had or crb and we tod of the hstmas story bt forme it was this knd mysteros beng from another word who made

hrstmas t was a wonderf thoght Een at th eary age tnk experenced the drabness of fe and eagery wecomed he ceatythat ths word was not everyhng that becase there was a FatherChstmas and fares a sos of thngs mght hapn one day began to bd my nner word of fairy castes, ovey gardens whmagic frt fower faires, ees and secret drs

If other chidren tod s there wa no Santa as we knew at hedd not sit them bcase they dd not beieve. One day Heena anMary, mmaging n a cpboard fond some sspcos ngpresents which they tk to Mother She assred them that theywere ntended for the charady's chdren and, n fact they weret Heena wept thnk she reased the trth. do not thnk waspset when knew for the awareness came graday; besdes

cod retire into my wn dream word when wanted to.1 was seen years od when made my frst confesson and frst

commnion They made itte or no mpresson on me Both parentswere fathf cathoics We were taken to mass regary and taghtto say or prayers Night prayes were pa of the famy rotne fDaddy was at home he insisted on beng caed n from the garden

Daddy, Daddy we're gong to say or prayers' He wod come n,sit in an armchair, one of s wod make a dve for hm to prayinto, one or two wod se Mother for the pose, another UnceWi Ony one other person was qafed for beng prayed toand that was my mother's edest sister who sted s freqenty nMay we had a itte atar decorated wth sprng fowers and we tkit in trns to choose a hymn can reca no reigos mpresson

whateer Others hae tod me hat God was ery rea to them intheir chidhood I cannot say the same knew my catechsm andshone at answerng a qestions on confession the mass and hoycommnion bt so far as know it was not in my hea Hereaready is that dness which has been my ot a my fe What s tseaning? Why is it so? t is t eary n my narrate to attempt an

answer Going to bed on the ee of my ft commnon fet


20/127

Your mr grt m

hod be feelg o dffeet ad ted to pay bed rectg thehym we had leaed epecally Je tho art comg bt ao feelg came thogh

Ca a chld ? Utl ecetly I wa cled to awe o t

't og ce wold ay that I fod dffclty takg eoly. I meat omethg lke th e ae o bd co-dtoed o e de ca be o tog admot mpoatGod abet ow the ca he be offeded whe we fa ad tlle whe a chd fa? I myef hae kow ch btte tgglehae epeeced to my depth how weak I am hat God he

t be a my epeed thoght to be th offeded emade he kow o ate to the coe ad what moe he keephmef o hdde ow ca he epect to oe hm ad fo h akeaod a el? hat wa I to make of ch tatemet O hae ccfed o Lod t wa ot the ode t wa o mythat ccfed hm? I a hoety I cod ot ay th

A a tte oe pepag fo cofeo I wa coco of a o

of actg I had to daw p a t of wth the mbe of tme thk I ca ay wth cetaty that my md dd ot ay wayelate the tem of th lt to God ee thogh called them

Latey I hae come to eae that my oto of ha bee tmted. I thoght of a a debeate offece agat God apata o total eecto of hm Of th cod ot code a chdcapabe ad I wod ee qeto f ayoe capabe of t Ae webg eogh? Bt ow I ee that t a mtake to etct topecfc ad oewhat ottadg act a thogh the et of oact a actty act whe ot Godceted ae eta. Rathe to be ee a a oetato a moe o e cota ee ofchoce agat what oe kow oe deepet heat ght t a eao of fe a efa to tad the tth of oe beg h

the offece to God that h beoed ceate to whm he log toge hmelf efe th gft h gft of h loe ehed theacceptace of oele ad fe a t ealy hope to how mytoy how God h mecy o arraged my fe ad elghteed mypt a to bg home to me the pmal obgato to be eal ad toee how all mae of way we hma beg hk t daeta mmo to tad the tth My fe my had


21/127

Bfor th lvng Go

th tre of each of ca treare every drop of my lfe or caqader t, lettg t drp throgh y fger a omethg of oaccot.

Dtorte mage of God mpted o the md of a chld arehard to eradcate later o No oly are they mprted o the mdbt embedded the emoto, the very fleh ad thogh theadlt md ha prfed t dea, the emotoal fee' of God ecretlytyrae f ot to affect mora codct, at leat to poo the wellprg of joy am makg my eghth year a haltgplace to kbackward over the road covered, before peakg of Helea ad her

death my th year Already, wth me, there wa a mage omyelf a gy ad dgtg thk wa bor wth th wod thk t jt part ad parcel of extreme etvty Never for amomet dd qeto m paret' love t wa take for gratedad ever reflected o jt lke the ar breathed hether wagood or bad beloged to Mother ad Daddy ad they wated me thk that the heer ecrecy of my er world, the fear, theghtmare a well a the coco daydreamg ht me of fromthem erhap tctvely kew that my er word wold everbe dertood, that f t were revealed wold be codemed hado reao for thkg th ad am re ever cocoly thoghtt t wa bt a bcoco kowedge

A lttle cloed word of fear ad pa' Ad o oe had the kl

thoe day to peetrate t A temperameta whmcal dffct bteetaly ovable chd what mt have eemed had a greatcapacty for eoymet bt the ghtet hadow ad my moodchaged wa affected by al ort of trva thg of daly lfe heModay mog feeg depreed me t the tme eteredCarmel aother week begg the mel of wahg, a hahedpder of cold meat becae there wa o tme to cook, Mother

tred Frday ceag day caet p, a ee of dreare adhomelee O the other had, kew qet ectay ttg therch ct gra of the law beeath a arch of rambler roegazg at a hy brthday card had receved A ty chd doe otreflect back ad foh t take fe a t come. t eem to me t precely th ack of reflecto whch gve ch patho to a chd'

fferg 2


22/127

Your mrc grts m

T o am a o o oc' a cadan o m na a omg o a go I xpc a a Mo amc a arard od m. a pca o Mor an o a aod ao

na a a g aa om r cod o a. Tao ag a o c a and b a agaco g an a o m no o a a a on a c o . Innc I o a ag o o xn o o md o m a m I do ono n ac o ag a ror

o g a mo I a S aaa m om m o m og ad q m a no n a a a om I can no n a bcom Mo og n am aond o o ab o r a o a an o ac bn o S a mgo ag m o coo and g m gra

In Ma o m nn a I no rg om orano an on. Sc I a a a a m r orgng . I mm g c d m g go a aac a Ing og a a m pama ang oang o M ma a an maramn I a a og c m o o oma a c o a apr og a d oo a n ma an a a o oc E c o oo nmn n a xan o bg od a go mc om a n o mang o abrr am I codno a g o . a mo I noc omg oagn ga o m an a a a o omo c a

aam g I a g am do b oc I cono. T a r mbaamn rgo cam o m an a m I bg rg om an a dcdd: No a o go om' T a rpad a a n am room o S o a o d o m a. I g Mor cam o m. a odan n a o o m ag o Sr abo a ho

3


23/127

Bfo th Livng Go

aan a n l N da I a d hm I ke m n d I d e hgh h d ag fadd d I f I d a a mme lg Ia ad n a g and ad m d ad e a ng am. a h hm d Bda I an a and l ad. I had ad fe a b d and a l f am a S ad ada a n m m I a bd f a f dana a n n m. I had mn hh I am a d' nd h da Mh am

b d n a and I a l. Te h uh bamnn a na a . gd a ffd ook af a a n h gadfahe ad an d n a ad. ndf aed b Ia bm and ala ang h m a O da Ian ff dnd g ba he. I a m h a b n m ba h a harp bke f beg

b n a d and a bg gd . n ba aad.

T n daggd n and ha m ad aad m h. a h b k hadn' I ndd. I mmb beg ad ena Sh d a ad ale ad d

a an a d. On d m he had be ag a n bg ng aa n h b f a land gd b na d' . I h ld b ang m ad ad b ng m ha' n agn add a ng ang agan

anda ad gn a llng a I bgh a gn anng n. T n I

n a na na I d b g a ll bgbn b aa a b d La h k na In a a ankd m f h ll I ad gn I d n a a he ea I ang ba d nlld lf aa I nga a a I n a ghd dn I

ndd

4


24/127

You mc gts m

A te week we by I bega o ae a age eeece.alkg ome fom cool wi a ed o a bg y eeg wold feel tat wa lfed o o my odg Te famlaoad oce o ad old ee ow eemed alie ad emoteT feelig wold at fo ome me Oe eeg we aw a cowdad ead a mo deadl od Two dog wee gtig o edeat Te feeg of goig away fom myelf became tee b gae o ig o t. It wold occ a oe time i a e acte om.At i time, M ad wold occaioaly come wit o ea atGradfae' I wa alway glad o ae e. Se ad Aty k

fo a wak i e coy. Afe a we ey ecoaged cideo go aead wi oe aoe. Atog I dd o eaig ta teywaed o ak togete I ed o od back o a o catc wa eywee ayg I kew ey wee takig abot Heea I caotemembe all at I ead b I do emembe tem eakg of mymote' ge ad my at ayg ta e ad ee my daddycg a day a wok. My ea wa cotced. I fod myef

walkg o a a deam wodeg aytg wa eae came back ad ea ad bega o wa e ea tg wt

Mi ad By ti time I eay fet a if wa leag myef adcold tad i o oge ieked Mi ad M ad Imdyg! M ad ted towad me eye mo oe k ead fom te ik ad ed tem o o me Dag yo'e ot' .

Se claed me i e am ad ke me imioed at e idewakg me ad dow e gade otact wit e body ade wam eoaty eoed me I ik my mote mt aebee od o fom te o I et a ome. Lyg i bed oe gtbeoe t wa dak i aeed aga I ted to ede itictiely kowg a Moe wold be co B I cod otad ced o Mote Moe I am dyig Helea' weak oce

oed me om aco te aage Moe R ay e dyg' Tee wa a ote o mocke i e oce o o t eemed tome My o moe came g ar kdly bqe admateoffact, told me ot to be a lly gl beed me wt olywate tcked me ad eft me I am e mt ae bee ealythe lat traw fo my mote' tetced eve ad beakg ea caot exla exee ca oly gget tat t wa te

S


25/127

Bfr th Go

n nn n n n n mn n

n n n. M n n nn m n I n M

n n nn n n mnm n n mn n mm n M n nm n m M n n mn nn m l.

nn Tn n nn n mn n m n N n n . M n mn Tn m . n n n n n n T nn m n

n n n. T m

n n I n n M m m . nn I n nnn nn m mn I mn n n n T nn

n T n n n n mmn nn I n n I I n M n . M n I n n m n m m n n. M

M m n nnn

n n n m m n n n nn n . n M n I M n n n n n I n n n nm mnn R

n n I n I n m. I n 6


26/127

Your mercy ree me

hay any moe infoaion fo I co no bing myelf o qeionMohe ing o comfo he befoe leaing home fo Cael Ipiy emake ha ime leen oow an ha he wol geoe he epaaion I i nine yea ince eena ie an I hae no

go oe ha Yo can ge oe hee hing he eplie genywiho any biee.

eea eah e e cae. ae oeone wa o gge haI ha nee fogie Go o akig he. Fogiene iplie a eneof peoa eaiohip a wih Go I wa concio of none ewa oo ch Go o ha. ha i moe I nee hea om eih

of my paen anyhing o gge ha Go ha wonge no helea compain o noe o ebeion only wo inicaing nqeioning accepance o hi wi hey e o him o comfo an iwa obio ha hey o i. I hik y aie wa moe ikehi : ohig i ae ay moe. nyhing ebe can happen i hahappene once an can happen again an hee i no one can opi. Go won op i he menace ha aken fom an bance

an I connece hi wih Go e ha no ineene o ae eenahogh we ha paye o him. Inee i wa he who ha aken hefom eeone ai o e wa a eibe Go ngaen on myfeh wa he eeing o Go a he one who epe who waeao o o han oe. e e oe anyone an Go wa e oemoe my oe one. hi wo wa ony ae heae by a fen

Go gae me a en who oe e wih a eep loe an in whom Ihae on oy. he obe wa on an emoiona ee an Gocame o me on he emoiona ee hogh fenhip

1 7


27/127


28/127

2

O AD PO M

A new ea of my lfe began at nine yeas old endng at eght wmy entance into Camel o pehaps a yea and a half eale wth my

convesion . It was an ea of conflict and panfl seaching f htheto I had accepted lfe its wondng hashness, neflectngly, now began to eflect to esent to ebel My shinkng sensbty soghtdefences and escapes my powel ceative nate to domnate adcontol the fow of events A clealydefied conflct emeges between egotism and love of my famly, wth the gowng vctoy of thelatte I begin to qestion the meanng of lfe and God s pt n the

dockThe smme afte elena's death my vital eneges wee pord

into playing the boy Longlegged slm, I was an ecellent neand oined te boys n the games O neghbohd abonded ichlden and we fomed what we called o gag had headMote speaking with admaton of an Eton cop she had s

That was enogh fo m I demanded one tended to dentify wthMothe This , I thnk, was the pme eason fo he cop , bt theewas also te cavng to be singla to take a sk and be otstandgI soon egetted ths hasty decision bt was t pod to admt t was not indffeent to petty desses and weaths and saw the ncogty of a boys ead stickng ot of fils, and stl moe, cownedin a weath of magetes I played and tmbled with the boys

comng home with bldy chin and foehead fo which Mothe hadno sympathy mst ecel epected to be beaten by the boys btesented beng beate by a gl he knew was lkely to be otstpped wold ot ete the lsts My fathe poited s ot to ead sheer shae forced me nto acceptg defeat gracefly

ven nomal, eveyday things whch othes cold take ther

stde wee a bden to me. hen my mothe told me of mest9


29/127

Before he living God

tion my eaction was one o teau ange: 'That, evey month! Itisnt ai I ced Mote epoved me sapy: Evey woman as

it wy shoud you be dieent You ave to accept it ike eveyoneese. Ou Lady had it This atte point was a ea comot to me.

Late in Came I was made to undestand tat in act she didnot. Tis exemption was impi d in the vigina conception It was a

cue bow. Needess to say I ejected this ase notion as soon as I

had investigated suicienty I ave aways ound not meelycomot but inspiation and evegowing appeciation o woman-

hood om the tue womanood o May. Mothe gave me no unde-

standing o te natue and purpose o menstuation As fas as Iknew it was just an unai imposition. God did it He needn't havemade us ike that. Why did he make things so ugy and diicult?

Thus an my secet toughts wich with my catholic upbinging I

coud not utte Menstuation was anote o my misees not esoved unti I enteed Came. Mote neve aowed us to think that

we had eason to ee unwe and I do not tink it occued to me to

connect eadace atigue and genea maaise with an oncomingpeiod But te misey ay in not knowing how to manage duing aong day at schoo teo est someting shoud appen in pubicgames swimming te discomot and chaing I usd to see otesseemingy so caeee and wonde ow they managed I was too shyto te Mote o my diicuties.

Wen May was consideed od enoug to make the ong jouneyacoss te city we wee taken away om te pimay schoo and sentto the convent high schoo Mary Betty and I ist, Magery, Benda

and Cispin the oowing tem James ad been sent some yeasbeoe to te catoic boys' seconda scoo Looking back I tinko te poo itte pimary scoo wit aection. It was pat o theome situation bound up wit te pais and the peope I knew

Tee was a homey pesona tone even though the standad oteacing et muc to be desied. Mote had tied to suppement

tis. She bougt us inteesting books and we woud have eadingsessions togete o pose and poety Se woud ask us questionsand set tests o us. I enoyed anyting in te iteay ed but wenit came to sums no

The convent scoo seemed uge and teeming wit gis. At te20


30/127

Your han uon

pma schl we had bee leadg lghts, here we we bdesehaps ths was oe of the reasos why was happy was st a cowd was shy, felt adeqate, awkward gly w a badacoss my teeth ad a plate my mth whch preveted clearspeech he headmstress Vm we called her, was a ste dscplaa. e were teed of her be set t V was abt thewos pshme ayoe cold devse Later was t dscverthe damd hdde der ths gh exter, the stre o wa,selfless lve careflly cocealed erhaps, eve early yea, had a glmpse f the tre pers My mer ght e wrd

her ad ths fleced meSchl ad hme were tw dferet worlds or me ad had efeelg that schl was a threat t hme am s the sppsdhostly was a prodct f my ow md ssct t ay thempesoal ae of so large a establshmet Myl my sstead my paes wee o scetly valed hat s mre, at schlI was ot myself was too frghteed to relax ad express yf

to fghteed o apply mysel t wrk ad t was sme yea beremy abltes bega t show Of ce there were happy tes addelghl people at schl bt all my affecto ad lyalty wereceed o my home As ote as t my father wld cme to takes home. Mothe was varably watg o s, a cked tea readye wold st dow happly eght chlde ad Mother ad Daddy

ad Ucle ll Daddy wld ask s abot the day ad we wldchae o f oe f s had bee trble we carelly avdedrefeece t t leavg t to the delqet t tell Mother heel r,f we elt she had bee jstly teated, e of s wd tell her the qe e ew we wold get o sympathy whatever we hadbee at falt o mpeet ay way

Ae ea came hmewok all of s sttg d a bg table the

dawg m Mthe was sre to lk whst we wer at wrkOh how dea she was She was the sshe of the hme ad qo o heas Cealy she was q o me e wer s prd her She was always beatlly dessed wth he swwhte hasoftly waved Oce vehead eds remarkg She s ve cebt st she old ? hs ht me had ever thoght o Mer asld bt o crse, comparatvely, she was Helea's ess ad


31/127

Before te ng God

dea ad aged er in aearance u in ear e wa one of uWere' Moer? ' w eeone' queion fro Faher downward,i er reence wa no iediaely eiden know we a fel eoue wa ey on e rare ocaion e wa no ere

n e ring and umer on Sunday or oliday, Faer wouldake o e ea for e day or, ore delighully fro y o ofiew o e coun Wiin a few ile of ome ere wa anamaing ariey of landcae oorland of eaer ey andiked grae, ee loe dee in racken, iidly green alleywi wi rnning rook and rer woodland and aure Oen

we wold go iking and Moer wold coe , and ofen we wouldoerreac orele Ten we ake for e neare ae andring or addy o come and ick u Tey lie in my eooe golden day o eauy and era o of al e eareaking weene o e luee wood

We were ond of earical, aloug ink i would e orecorrec o ay a wa ond o earical and roed in y younger

ier and roer I wroe e lay, rodced e and layed aleading ar I would o ully y ca a, one y one, ey wouldleae me in indignan ear aying ey woldn' e in i' Tere wanoing or i o go o Moer and ak er o erade em ocome ack Ti e inarialy did conelling e o e genleand kind o em I ried i only o enre e ucce of e lay,

I ink oo I egan o lea ow o andle eole Te lay warodced on Crima nig or Moer, Daddy and Uncle Willame wo wil we were raciing mu need e o laying wii al on Crima nig iel ere eing no queion of oerdierion, waned o ake a ar, o we would iroie one forim e would el oo wi e liging effec Ma rarelyaced a e qickly aumed e role of e grownu Se would

lay e iano o accomany e inging oon a e lay waoer Daddy wa re o ay wa oo o le' ae i all oeragain

wele year o age a newcomer oined our gang Two yearolder an mo o I ond i dieren rom e oer oyWa i more e reaed me qie dierenly I ddenly realieda I wa a girl a yong woman Te deire o ecel in gae, o


32/127

Your ad u

beat the boys died away. Adrew wold treat e as were adeof china ever bowlg e ot helpig e off a wal awaysag e prede hi throgh a gate We were i love. hs wo childaffectio; it was passio here was dp itive recogi

tio of the other ot the slightest dobt of or ie iaceto oe aother. had a resct for yself that was altogether ewkowig yself loved i this way. he world was asfigred Ady

was y world felt that cold ot live withot hi He w i ythoghts ight ad day Yea later oters sister caed aafte had spet with her ad y coversatio had b of

the woders of Ady. Whe he was abset lived for the oet ofhis coig ad wold stad o the bak whe cold e te trascoig ito teris watchig for hs wi figre to leap off tetra with a twist all his ow ad p the hil

he gag accepted his loveatch ite siply ept that heywere aoyed whe or gaes wet aw beca of paaty fore. Bt early always we were o the sae side ad his w take

for grated Uashaedly we wold wak aog or as odeach others eck or playates ite cotet for s to a ltleway ahead or behd oeties tied with or play we woldthrow oelves o te grass to st ad he wold lay his head o ychest or wold lay ine o his. loved to feel his hard boyishbody differet i feel fro a girls. Oce or twice we exchaged

shy kiss ever reeber wating to go off in cret to show orgive ore of or bodies to oe aother. here sed o eed to doso Or love was ceai free fll of tal respect isctivelyfelt Adys itegty kew cold tst hi He was p eversaw or felt aytig bt what was atifl he growps siedat s bt kew had to keep Adrew away fro y faer whocae icreasigly itolerat of boys coig to the hoe hs

inet love affair died a atra death thogh paratio t isstil a ebarasset to e that soething whch affected etotaly was sholved Jst before eted ael et hiagai with his fiace felt ot the sghtest ealosy or desie btlked o hi with great appciao for the fie a he hadbecoe

My love for Ady was ashaed he whole world cold kow of


33/127

Before the living Go

t. I d t teetig ad giicat that my oe o a yog pieteig the parh a oe which peited om abot the age othrtee to xtee mt be hdde at a cot Not oy mt t behdde I et gty ad wa ahamed o t hy? hee wee o

eere o timacy which detadaby cod hae aoegt eeig It wa the oe ite which hamed me. I t that cha oe a thia ch a atatio et to be wohy oty hma? It i beeath hma digty to be atated byaothe hma beig expectg othg et It a ieecta paio eadg owhee I thi y pide ged me to cocea

thi ioemet thogh eede to ay t wa mpobe to co-cea t y It i te eogh o dobt that che ae oma adoecece a pepaatio o te oe ate o; a the ame theyae ot y hma ad mt be woed thogh re hma oecotai two eemet a giig a eede to the beoed btao a competio i the beoed.

I hope I hae wtte eogh to gie a picte o the geea bac-

god agat which I wa deeopig By ee tadad t wa agood happy home peided oe by deoted paet. hee wa ahadow imeceptibe at it ad maig o geat impeio othe cocio md whatee t eect o the bcocio. I do otwat to ay mch oy eogh to gie a te picte o my eiomet e ew o paet qaeed ad at the tme wod ee

gpped with teo ad omethig ie hoo Bt the tom wodpa ad the ee o wamth ad ecity et Yet why weethee time whe I wod ie awae waitg o Daddy ca ight totea aco the ceig beoe cod go to eep? A hatig eathat oe day he mght ot come bac? Ad the ame dead wheoccaioay othe wod aoce that he wa goig ot. I ame he meey wet to et o team to he ite bt I ed to ie i

ea et he might ot come bac Yet i pite o a thi by a theoea mpeio wa that o ecty o paet ad eedobted that they oed oe aothe. It wa oy ate o that thhadow became a etabe ghtmae a I mt te.

A I gew ito adoecece the diictie o my tempeamet -ceaed ad I eame a bde to me ad a tobe the home.A ey ight aot a hap wod a impatet gete om my

24


34/127

Your hn upon

n i aning in a bla md On in n ag and i i ld n g ag and l p T ag b b ing. iab

n iab . l a id ai and n. lngd n n agan b a pd i Si g am n iSn ng i ing ba a agln n M n add pd . ad ln d n and dp

b a npp and i n n a a a. T d ba. i n in d n aa

a aa ind d n a M an a n. M a a n in a d. n i ba d nn gni b dn n a d

n a i n i n i a baing ba i n bing nd a i i M a a d n an b n ad n b a p n a i gdb - in n gn in g ddgn

ng n M d in ngi ang M g a nd d n ba a nd d in aa n n i i a ang i nd gng . d p m ind ng n n n gn gg i a gn n da. T

an n a d annial.n n bai dpn

n n ain i i n a pin n paiang a ad in ai a a ga n a inn n p. nngd i n a igi b a ll b ld a nng gi a g liag. T lig

25


35/127

Before te g G

affront or crtcsm brught me face to ace wth t hated myfrejected myself and shut out love And the more shut out ove, themore saw mysef beng bad the more fstrated and hatef seemed.

Many, many years ater, wtnessed an ncdent whch demo-strated how mght have been helped n ths extremely dcutdlemma My brother brought hs lttle famly to the parlour. Wth-out warnng the eldest went to the back of the rm and hd her facen the cushon. Some ttle remark had wounded her knew justwhat she felt ke and the sheer knowledge that already she had gone

so far as to dsgrace herself before Aunty made the stuaton all themore hopeess My brother, wth tremendous undertandng, wentover to her uely gathered her up n hs arms and cuddled herer face was flamng wth shame and he bued t n hs breastAfter a lttle whle he brought her over to us, remarkng on her lovelyplats Apparently she was very conscous of her straght har Shehought ugly was deeply moved by ames' understandng and

perfect handlng of the chld As for the chld, dentfed wth hercompletely Aas, no one n my really lovng home grasped the nneronelness of the dffcult chld that was me thnk f Mother orFather had come over to me and put ther as round me wouldhave burst nto helpless ears that would have been my healng wasnot scoded was just lef to get over The famly crcle was alwayswde open and at the frst sgn was welcomed, but had to makethe frst move and t was ths whch was so appalngly hard Thstrouble s wth me stll stll have o resst the feeng of panc whchases when I am n any way ctcsed or found to be at fau

was growng pump and bursng my dresses Moher dd notfd t easy o keep up wth our uck growth for the school unfowas epensve One day at assemby found mysef wthout kneelng

room and sefconscous as was, knet down anyway ust o be nconspcuous We had our backs to Vm on the rostum er vocecalled out: Who s hat great fat lump ? I had a sckenng feelngha was Tu round, let me see who you are

When I was n ffh form, to add to my general sense of msery, myeyesght became defectve and had to wear glasses hough I waspan enough wthout havng a par of oroseshe sectacles suc

6


36/127

Your ad upo

on my nose Many a time wept in secret oer themIt might appea that I had deot ideas and feeln nt

so I was conscios of a sense of hocry when I wrte lpoems ealiing that the Sisters at schl and other wld -

pressed and think me rather special h fact gae me oe _pleabt essentially it embarassed me Ceainly did not wte t ipreI was beginning to feel that thee was nothing woh wtg atecept God and yet there was not the slightest flg of h began to ook fo word abot him in al sos of bks magedon the eigios sheles of the pblic ibra peeping with a creep

fea into noncatholic books bt refraining fom readg the athis was fobidden fond omething of F Fabers bt cannotemember what it was

Between the ages of thieen and foreen I began to wonderabot God Did he realy eist? Did I not beliee st becase hadbeen boght p to beliee as I had beieed in Father Chrtma?hen ate on we ead more freey in histoy and when began to

ease that seemingy the maoty of peope cleer people did notbeiee in him the dobt gained in impets Added to thi wa agowing sense of the meaninglessness of ife itheo I had takenthings fo ganed ome was soid a shee must be that een theominos wanings had receied faied to shake bt now ealsedwith piecing gief that it was not so One day Mother and Daddy

wod die. One day not ey far away I mst eae home

woldgo to Ofod teach mar and then ? hen death he thoghtof death as the end of a things became ey eal to me cold telno one of my nhappiness

Fo forh form onwards my immediate ambition was to wn astate scholaship which wod take me to Oford This ambition hadnothing to do with an academic caee bt with the romantic dese

fo the city of deaming spies I wanted to escape from the indstia ties to what was amost another world of ancient colegecathedas and sier steaming Thames . I kept my secret to myselffo at this time thee was itte to indicate that I had the abiity waqte se I had I nee dobted bt that if I worked reaonablhard I wod win the schoaship. In some ways I was etremely selfconfident and probaby oeassessed my capabities

7


37/127

Before he lng Go

Byn his rmanc am ay a mch p n h ngng may. N c n b anyn my n sain n n Ic s an m b smn q spca. I is ha m rap ha I ha n mn ha my a maag as I as

. I an b y by smn niqyChin n ssnia. I as h cmpannship h hich as my ngng. h back my min as h ncm-ab aanss ha h as anh sa ha hcnscra ign I n aay rm his an sppr mysih h aing rm Prrbs h aan man hch I n

as h ssn h mass r a man sain n a igin Par mysi g O as h hp ming smn h a n h m an an may m

in I as cnscs mys as ging p any manyims I ha k in h m n hs ay n ha ing s h as anyhng ab m ha c b ca ba b sm q can hr as n. n I as n s s

Smims hn I cagh mys n a can igh i as a caah y ac ha k back a m I as gh B ak asp back in anhr gh an I as i b han a npbaac sgy sran I cns mys h h hghha phaps hs sa h is imag an i sm ha ahm a any a his as s y as an my mr paymas

ma m ha I as arac I as cr I grasp ha i aspcisy h mag h pr rsh yng g grng nmanh hich appa an I k car prs i Sanngih can /hr h bk an r m' 0 ys I asc ngh s hs I a h as sphiscan ansmingy as inin ss Simpciy as my kr Ichs my s ng ss I as h gan h a crmsn

mmng Ys I as ahr sasi h mys ha Chsmas as Igaz in h mr n h s g cangh

Th ar as rang a cs an my ahr an mhr c sn s barng sch y ahr sa ha h bbig g abra n r hr yars m hch cas hyngr chirn ha bar y pans cnsi haspaain m hm cncing ih sng in a ign cnry


38/127

Your ad upo

wod e oo mc fo em emooay ad eefoe e eaa-on od come now w Ma ad wee a wem. Femoe n e eo yea Vm ad eged e oa eadme of e day coo fdg o bg a oeyond e eg ad wa ow carge of a ma bodgcoo o a few ye' dg abo iy me fom e cy Sogeay dd my aen eeem nn a ey waed o bende e gdance and wee fa fom afed w e ae of edycoo ince e deae

1 w e y my en an aog I cod ndeand

ei moe and boom ey wee eekg oy wa wae o I ed e de o odg coo d I e off myeeed eenmen on e coo. I w biey omeckieo I d een ae o ece fom e ynny o e coo Iw e eind eac eenng and we eneed e oed wod ofoe ow ee w no ece. I wa coo e me I aedi ed eing o n ion eened e o of dee-

dence nd e comee coo o e coo oyO en cme o ee eey Sndy feoo Ma ad

I oo in n o go ome eac Fday eeng o e w Moe.Te enion eween my aen wee egeg e cded een ei ond o nion and common deoon Now we weegone oe w oney o e oe ad ddeny become a

dee Fe ge ime nd enegy o i g oec adndendy e e negeced. I w deey ffeced by conic y yie wee wi my moe I cod ead eeine o e de ce nd knew ow miied d oey ee deee o e wi e nd ye my eece cod aeeen coo eeing ow dig I wa B I oed mye nd w on w y o i een og e ngeed me.

oio e ny nd w owng me ocy o ece o e I m e a good adie codeiy e ing g eween em eig ec o ndend e oe o I d oo oe nd oe agin ow deey eyced o one noe. I w eciey ecae ey caed a ey one noe nd eed o mc Aa i oe day ey

od nee e demed o eeing oeion e9


39/127

Before the living God

he comg of pg boght a eae apect to lfe at chool had alway oged to le the coty ad hee wa dog o heloely od mao hoe whch fomed the ce of o choolbdg lay a alley A wfty flowg e cog oe aocky bed ag day ad ght below o wdow ad mallmota oe beyod All aod wa fetle pate lad makedoff wth gee hedge It wa a heepeag dtct ad the lopeof the hll ad dale wee dotted wth heep Daffodl gew wldpofo to be followed ate by blebell e pet oely ho the aley o amog the hll by the cea mota team had

made fed wth a g of my ow age Sya d he wa able tohae my emotoal epoe to ate


40/127


41/127

Before he lg o

o pay any conrcie par in he commniy or one can accephi diaiacion a a goad rging one o eek he rh o eek heimae he re meaning o ie. I cod ay ha amo ncon-cioy I wa being ed o chooe he aer core The age o hir-een o ieen repreen I hink a ery rh era o my ie Iwa rgging nhappy oney; ie wa grim and ye I had de-iberaey reed o ecape rom i I i re ha here wa ameare o payacing a choo b hi wa pericia I wa myhomee which I acknowedged a my rh. I wa a home ha Ihowed mye in my re coor wih my dread mood and o-

br And i wa a home ha my chie bae were ogh. ere Imade eor o be neih o be hogh and hep owardmy paren ere I earn o be eniie and kind o oher Seniie mye I came o be mo eniie oward oher, aoidinganyhing ha I knew wod wond. There were conina aireb he rgge wa on and hi wa o o peak wiho God Imean I wa no concioy rying o peae God I wa oowing ninner igh wiho reerence o whence he igh came

I earier raied he qeion o why no reigio impreion gohrogh o me hy I wa o empy and dry a my ir commnioneary i wa no he dryne o hee indierence ee why wa Iaware o i aware ha i wa incongro hy did I e mye opray o hink abo or Lord coming o me An epanaion

poiby ie in he ereecion in he image I had o mye Unconcioy I wa aying God can oe me. I am no a bi good'B perhap oo i ay in capaciy ere no he image o or Lordwhoy inipid o me I hink i i re o ay ha my reigio apiraion ond oe in my aiyae heroe and aer in my imagineryb neer deined oerobe. I eem o me ha I wa reayearching or a peron my reigio eacher had known how o

epoi hi inner word o mine i may we be ha my hear wodhae been won concioy or or Lord A i wa he word oreigion wa a drab a he rea word.

A ieen year o age wa becoming aware o my gi and wihhi awarene came danger he danger o aemping o deny ieapar rom he hadow ide I wa ryingncceyo

change my eimage B he odd were again hihappiy32


42/127

You in

an m mamn aca. B a ag aad aa n ca m g cn a cam ga- man a ca m m g .gan n mc d a m m a aa

ang m ca I ann g an ma a I am a a n ac an n a ndg. n I m a aanng cm a I I a

L cac g m ga dcad a a c

c I a aa a a c a g a gcan an a a n a a a g m ac a n a ca g ma a can aag g m gn cn a cn R I kd ad maag

I a a cm n c g ma a da a anna I a a ac n am da

n. a a ca a ag a c a a m c ca a an m . nn a n g c n . am m an an m a ac. ad g ac n a mann a a a aa I ag a cc m gd a

ng n c an n nn nn a aa. Ina mng n a m a anc. n an ca an a ng a m g ang a an a aa m I a n a a ac a a I cann mm a ng . Q d mdde cn a I a z a n a c a I

a n nn a a dc d a mn a n a a ng an ggrace", an a a n m n ng nhe g n mn g n m a aa an ca c ma caa Moe a gng cnn an .

I a a gng an cn 33


43/127

Before the lvng God

nnoyed e wh hs fssy piey b now I delbeely wen o hh insnc y ehind hs s h fo once y confessonws o be n dedy ees nd h I lid sde ll eely pesonlwhis nd wen o he os expeienced pes of he hee senghe pish Soehing like h hnk I old h in e sighfowd wy wh I hd done. e sked e why I hd behed sond eped h I ws d wih he nns. I fe hey hd no igh obe kng s pos. e sked ws I se h ws he only esonws I pehps fid h God ws sking soehng of e nd didn wn o isen I ssed h qe definiely h ws sply

becse ws d wih he nns I knew wh he Cnon wshinng I ce o of he confessonl wh sense of elef nd pece. he

pies hd ged e o spend he nex few dys well nd ws de-eined o do so. hoh oe wh he hd sd Yes I knewqe wel wh he ws eng hning h pehps I hd ocion eised h n fc I ws fd of beng good' h is if

once I decided o be good nyhing gh hppen hee wod beno known whee i wold end his ws he oen fo he gcewhch chned y ife A he deepes lee of y sef saw h Godexised e fied ife e offeed inicy o n ws possiblefo s o be inie wh God Bewideng elsion h beingso fe cod he no ohe enn I s ge yself p o seek-

ng his inicy wh God. he sefeiden wy ws o be n nn n he os bsole wy possible n enclosed coneplenn. hese sccessie hoghs wee los nsnneos Alhppened in oen b y nd ws de p n he so of wyh i wod he been possbe o nke My wod ws copleey chned

So powef ws his ce ws no expeienced in n oe-

whein wy he i ws eiled n obscy nd so by web ofn oeensh chned e in n insn nd dicllyI ws e coneson I ws ned igh ond se he psseense deibeely I ws no I who ed God ned e Myoienon ws hencefoh dffeen ws o hi nd so fndenl dic ws hs oienion h I hnk wod he beenpossible fo e o eese i o wihdw fo he powef

3


44/127

Y a ne

ce which ow had me i is gp ha ohe have o coe ohogh seady applicaio ad labor had bee doe or e i mome A wor of deachme had b wrough or e s wa shocu sch as S Teresa speas of a mysicl grace which ois ery are is efficacios There has bee o oher such i y eFom he o had o sbmi o he oilsome slow clib o heodiary way. This grace was b a beig me o emoai a is base b so my so surly ha i has b s say impossible o wihdraw would have bee ecss omae my fabric o o spea for ha o happe

B fom he o ad apa from ha my pah ay daressdeep daress ad I had o srgge bierly for he pracice ofie. Nohig of ha was made easy. Ye I hi ca say lyha has o his iiial gace o fo oe hour hae I ve up heclimb. I hae ow er deecio ad eardespair have owioerable bieess ad ye eer hae I ceased o ur wihi ohi who so obscrey so hiddely drew me o himself ihou

his specia gace I cold o hae goe o him iho i I wouldeer hae eered Came Ad wha wod have become of me?Possiby for some yeas wold hae followed a pah o successPossibly maied B sooe o lae he coflic bewee he twosides of y are wold each a csis old I hae resoved isccessfy I is hard o hi so If I had mared cold gve

my affliced woded a my spersesiiiy hae made asccess of i Agai i is had o hi so. seems o me ha my wayo God ad hs o pesoa ffilme i God cold oly be iael Oly hee cod I be freed o gie myself o God. ere wassbec o a ser disciplie which hogh i seemed lie a cruelsaiace segheed my wi giig i masery oe my emo-ioa isabiliy ee I faced myself aedly ere here were o

escapes ere I leaed o accep myself ad o s i God ad sfid wholeess

y habi of sefwachig ad aalysis deeced simlaeousywih his speraral isighideed i was i dager o o giighe ae de ipoacehe agle of selfceed srads weavigaod h precios coe ee was a way of escapig fom he ru

e a way of bei qi spial he cere of aeio ee w5


45/127

Befre he lg

e ie te o efined abiion. ow do ice i wod toti be of conay oeent? Fit e pe heart of theae c a I ae decbed en e feei pecia' and deitin in ti ae a feein o efdepiin fo the peicia ie owoff tha I wa od God eay be in thi? ad Ino ade it p ? ee i ot fo e pofond efect I wod haedobed te eaity of te ace ie

A e tie i occred I wa i paed by eiio dobt Foa wee o two nde e infence o i ace tey diappeaedcopeey in e oio eaiaion o God exiece. e wa

otay eoe o e Tee wa no eation betwee a yet btee cod be Ta wa y abition Ye wa oi to aeoe wondef expeence and feein wic te ait had i-ance o and wic I aw depiced in picte anin in te cooSddeny I wa ee o te bond wic tied e to y faiy Itink it wod ae been qie ipoibe fo e to beak te btnow tey ad eed wio efo on y pat ery oe died iny ea I waned no one. I waned to be ao I no one wantedy ieo inepaabe copanion Syia And yet I caefy eained o iin any in o ti deacent Deibeatey I ooke eae cae o ow y ote and fae a oe Afte a ittewie oin eein ened bt no in e ae way I wa feeTi deacen wa wot in an inan wiot pain Afte a

o ie oo e feein a God did no exi eedI wen bac to coo o ini e a ap of e e tewi a fain aa od y ead I wa o one bect to oodine ad fi of depeion It wa eay to be kind ad tohtf Iwa pecia I waned o be aone and pen o o y fee tiebeoe te beed acaen. I wa bot peaed and ebaaedwen oe cae aon and aw e tee . ypaye a away wa

ey ban. I I wa teped o fee I wa appoacin oiee awaene o y coceiedne y oe o aenion payacinand ininceiy ade e depie ye I wa awae o a ort oy in in e te deie to be he oe to be eao of oere endency o win eee at a co ee not c tin incopatibe wit a ocaion ? I did not wan o cai o be c a ceate

a at a I not e i wi a ocaion? Gien e baic pit in6


46/127


47/127

Before te lvng God

n dire wy I w oo uble or h Ve independenmye, nd hing o be odered bo or reed in n horiivewy, I oo reined om uhoririn or hughy wy I wnown I oered no h never pid peil enion o ny

one nor bu ed or hem l Three younger ier in heoo, eqly populr nd he me ime devoed o me, ddedo my pege nd inluene Vim d he hd never nown hlye e hi one She gve me ompee ru ing me ino herondene over dil gl ing me o i wh hem blend ep em n ny wy I ould roubeome hild he would

p in my dormoy nd invby I won her She pu me in hrgeo dormory ompoed o he mo dul girl in he hl whoo begn wih hd n ngonm o me I quiled bu mde up mymind o wn em by genene nd ndernding Wihin ewwee ey were loving end I w gre help o hve h end Sylvi Se nd I od ppor one noher nd huepe beng involved wh gl younger hn oureve u I neve

ed oo om my ie Syvi moe hn one emred h,og we uow d lo o iend we did no relly need hemwe wee ien o ouelve I in i w e udgemen

I o e Ood enne eminon I mye wel heie wo oed me, e I d done bdly I did no mndvng no nenon o gong o Ood ing o ge he enrne

wod mpliy e ie I d gven p ny de o hving pedwen, one moning, I eeived n envelope opened i bend old dy beeve my eye on eding h I hd beeneped or Oord I br ino e I hdy now why

old I ve ome vey ppy memoe o h l ye oo o bei mn ellowp, unon o he nd mind, eove nd oweng o vie u honou indne,

epe o one noe ppeon nd gride I w eepnd In rh I ve o y I w we o e ole I hdpyed n e me enomou prege ony deepenede wene o e meble ee I elly w

en I old my pen o my w o be nn ey eed in eme wy ey dd ove een de I oveed my oeyng o me: I God wn her e m go nd h


48/127

You are mie

Fer recn were r but s lwys he lked o oern uc mtter er ny cre w t I should hve gd cond cnven were I wuld be wel cad for She w uelled wen I mde t cler I ntended enteng ecod

cnven I envely entned he rppstnes nd t s shewe N n yu re nt cut ut for lfe lke th'. I kept senfrm en untl I w mre ure wh I would do

S I wed fr te cle f te chl yer. I receved leerwelcmn me Oxfrd nd enclsn the prsptus. I ws notwlly ndfferen I ws nful fr me st dwn nd wrte to e

uhre declnn te lce. n, wen I herd y schl cnn nd er dcun er ln fr the future I would fl n bu ll w uerfcl nd e tught w predonnt I d een ven metn nfntely eer My cmnnculd never undernd. culd undertnd excet ne w hseen uced n e me wy?

I w ll undecded wc rder I uld jn. I lened towrds

e Cercn. On e ne nd he rn cunty srt whchI leed w mjr feure f er wy f lfe led umnne c eled me n te ter fern he tendency tove cru nd reln tt nvce mstre wuld be lkelyvcm e Cercn d lence eemed fegurd ButCrmel w ennn exerce n el. hrse erself ved

me. ere w ne rl lke myelf w d becme the ntmtefrend f Gd Smewere n e endx f he vlume of her u-ry I cme cr reference t he eremcl rt fCrmel nd demnd frhened me I used methngf e dee nvlved n uc cncet nd yet he e te tdrew me

y mer ked me cnul wellknwn exerenced ret.

S I l e ce efre m telln m I mly dd nt knw whchf e w rder I huld jn e decded n Cel. I tnk thenfluencn fcr w t I ld m f Mter dsre t heu f e rne Crmel dd nt eem frhten her ne me wy e ret rrned wrte e re f newlyfunded Crmel f wc e d me knwledge hs he dd nd w cceed


49/127

Before te living God

Yo allo I nee oe o me a I ol elay myenane an ay w my paen fo anoe yea o wo wa lkea f o of wae an ey knew , an mae no e lge efoo keep me bak Moe e gef o an exen a I begano nk e aly ae B one o we, e b no beweepng. I og my ea wol beak Day wol look a mew a bown eye So yo ae gong o leae Ry?Moe an one I wol wake o fn m anng by my be lookng own a me ee wa omeng mb an elple abo ae. One e followe me no e beoom an ake f e

ol ee me n e blak e Moe a mae fo me aenmake a fa geae afe an e popee polan Se gong o a new lfe e lfe e a oen an fo a eaon omeof e ege aken off e nfe of epaaon No o fo e paen Lfe fo em goe on a al b w a gapng o

en e me ame fo my epae I eeme o be ne ananaee I wa nmb an nfeelng. fe ln Moe a

genly I ol ge off now ea ee no pon n angngabo. I new e eom ben enene Se wa yng oae me pan. I on wan o mae ae fo yo' e aobbe on e oaon of e beaown) Se ke me n amaeoffa way a f I wee gong o ool I looke aon foDay b e wa no ee nkng e wol be neng w

e a I wen own e lle pa. I ea a boen an ngon aw m n e ooway w am we open e eaeamng own eek I an ba an fng myelf no am e le me o melf n a wl paonae g, kngme oe an oe agan. Moe neene n e genle way aneleae me fom gp n o I lef ome n a o of ane


50/127

4

O FAC K

traveled by bus to the Carmel chosen for me by the pest whoseadvce asked. sat aone, coud not speak f aowed my

thoughts to dwel for a moment on the famy the tears would sprngto my eyes. realised that must keep them out of mnd had visitedthe Carme twce before My parents had taken me to meet theprioress. t was a strange experence sitting before the ge seeingthe tny hooded fgure on the other side, who eventaly rased herveil to show a pleasant freshcomplexioned face She spoke gentyand reassuringy to my parents and invted questons from me wasunabe to ask any t seemed to me quite rrelevant what happenedor did not happen behind that grille. had made up my mind toaccept al details were of no consequence At this visit too met thetal statey novice mstress and a postulan t. he latter fascinated me. immediatey concluded she must be a wondefu person the realthing conscious al the time that was not the real thing. Later

other Mary and attended the cothng of ths postulant heceremony upset other because she thought the postuant ookedstrained and unhappy.

Wel here was on September 1st, 1947, sitting on a ittle stool atthe enclosure door waiting for it to be opened had receved myinstctions from the outsster When the door opens you go inknee down an d kiss the feet of the ccifix a nd then the hand of ou

Mother Proress' Uncle Wi the ast hold on the word that hadbeen mne stood by he door ground open moved foard intodarkness; a few veied figures stirred n the darkness, knelt kissedou Lods feet and a hand held out to me flicked a pece of clothbefore my face the scapular no doubt My eyes grew accustomed tothe dimness veils were thrown back and was embraced he novce

mstress led me away to my cel where exchanged my gn dress4


51/127

Before te liin God

nd oat fo the blak de othe had ade fo e wth h aependg on t oe opon than old be paed and pngthe bet wllen teal on the aket wa etl pd o tShe povded e wth a handoe k ndek a we a a plaateen one Ala the foe ade h an poant whngound a walked that t had to be abandoned

kng bk now t ee to e an alot nopehenblethng that I hold have done what dd Hee w eoltel detened neve to leave th hoe wa now enteng Hoe? t wan nknown wold of whh no one otde old have an eal dea

Had I been boe on the wng of enble love of God, of enth o oane t wold have been ndetandableM Cael wa fonded a few ea befoe the wa All te nn

exept thee who had been eeved a potlnt, and the novete fo nothe ont, wee fo the fondng hoeWth the popet of akng a fondaton bjet had bneeved ndnatel, a event poved he peon ognall

detned to ake the fondaton and be t ft poe, ded teddenl h upet plan oewht nd, n he tead, eeaw gven the tak She wa a woan of abot t ea of age ofteendou neo eneg, wth a gant apat fo wok, kd btlkng n entvt, wth lttle ndetandng of the hghltngneou hte How often we head he pot ot that thogh

he had toe of ne eneg that wa not the ae thg abeng neoa ondton he obvol deped He dea o thedel nove o good nun wa one who ate heat, lept well pt onweght had no onflt and ould wok had She ade effo tondetand thoe who dd not t thee eeent bt wa oftenwoefll ough and htfl hough he ae fo a wetdoa fal he had eeved no pope hoolng and th wa an

fet n all ot of wa, epeal n tht whh atteed ot, hegp of theolog nd the pnple ndelng the elgo lfehee t have been a deepdown awaene of th lak, ne heopenated fo t b beng an authot on evehng

It w onl a tte of week befoe I fond elf bewldeed not andaled b he behavo Ued a I wa to the ot andofed behavo of the Ste who had edated e, fond t

42


52/127

Your face seek

dffut to thnk of he a a tue nun voed y opon to thenove tre, who kndy explaned that . erea had not bnpepaed fo the tak now thrut upon he, that he wa a otdffult poton but had gven heelf opetely to t and hat theounty owed her a lot

he upero of the foundng houe, realng that eea wanot ftted for the tanng of nove and n any ae, would not havethe te had eueted a nun utabe fo the offe fo anotherhoue It wa ute ear to e that S Age wa of a dffeent eedonforng to y de of what a nun houd be She wa an ntele

tua woan wth an exeptonal eduaton fo he geneaton Onthe othe hand he teated he nove rathe a h glhewa not alone n th t wa the aepted atttudeand he tton were not aove fourth or ffth fo leve of an Englh hooHowever I repeted her for he wa a tuly fathfu nun who pated what he preahed. . eea' goveent ut have been aore ta to her a the two were exteey dvee n bakgound

teperaent and outook ut he obedene wa peet Whenpoton wre revered th dfferene beae tkgy appaent toa

S gne n ontat to erea wa ve gentle wth e Cea-y he loved e wth a ove that wa at ft a delght and then atorent. Her ove awoke a paonate yeang h' y own

tang heart What I had feaed and ted to avod had happenedI wa aught fro the outet n the to of an eotonal voveentwth the peron repone for y foraton wth who I uthave ontnual and ntate ontat Cael wa no eape fo e !ft to yef I woud have eaped n any way but God neve lete. He wa thle wth e and needed to be ould have no faledea aout yef Oh ye I ght poe a ltte befoe othe a the

uddng onteplatve and ant ut y hea had no luon Iwa ade to ee yelf a I reay a he anguh of thoe ealyyear eyond realng I wonde how I endued Pde, obtnay,huan repet ye undoubtedy, ut I woud ugget that theehuan fator ony heped e to hod on to what n y deepetheat I knew wa y treaure I had een ut fo one bref oent

the dak door of vn, the toveed ountan ut, and I43


53/127

Before the livig God

ould nee go bak he wold had died fo e oud nee gobak to odina life Wee to tun y bak on Cael would bedenying what had beoe pat of e had beoe y own ealityhi eotional attahent wa the fit, oewheling poble hd to fae.

needed no one to tel e that uh a loe a thi wa an obtale fet it to be o wa obeed with it t fied y thought expeiened aute ealouy if aw nothe noie eeiing the attentionfo whih aed. And yet hd no doubt that held upee paein the ite hea. My ene of utie wa offended when aw

he unfaily ha with othe while he woud be allloing to eoeik hid that wa aed fo he loe and at the ae tie expeened teang guit. wa ahaed of y ioleent deaded onfeene o publi eading et anything be aid aboutattahent and inodinte affetion ade patheti effo towithdaw fo he knew he wa ut a inoled a and thiade the ituation infinitey woe t wa who had to take theinitiatie in oeoing o odifying th inoleent She woudnot undetnd y ude effo ould not ope with the ituation.Moe than one alone in y od, dak ell between opline ndatin, y oneine woud oeoe e and would un to wheehe wa next doo She weoed e loingly She eeed the onyw thing in the deet whih buied e at eey tu At the bak

of y ind wa the fea that the pioe woud oe to know of thiatthent and how he woud onden it! oud talk to no one of the diffiuty on the ontay toe to

onea it ooking bak woud y that y intint wa oetNo one woud hae undetood. ee thing wee blak and whiteOne ight hae onoed e by telling e that of oue we anloe whilt y heat woud be telling e that thi wa not the o of

loe that wa eant Anothe would hae ondened it otght andony ineaed the ene of guilt hee wa no one to how e heignifiane of the expeiene, the fundaental nence of it andhow to wok though it into a ate elationp Bt t aue, wa in God plan wa to lea by hee epeene e pholog of the huan heat and how to lay it open to Gd he ffeng

wa wothwhile an undetand othe and thei touble a dp4


54/127

You face I seek

way I feel the fro wth ad they reale tItrodu y uperor ha led e off to th depto of

y eotoal tate I ut o ak to ore fatual th heewa a ea har the atophere of he ft few daySeteer a e eautful ad I pet oe lovely hou wth theovethe oy oe at the te ad a pleaat opaopk- ae or weep eave he et of tored apple bakthe eory of toe lear lea day. Ye there wa a ee ofea auterty epealy y el ad ed ad the refetorye overty hoked e oewhat ut at the ae te lked t

ere wa the leaat ee too of e a teret ewoerad I wa well aware that I wa looked uo wth affeto adarova h I wa ever to dout. It ever etered y head that t e et away I took t for rated that the deo etedwth e. I wa ot lo erev, ut ot at that teoouy foruat tat I had a atural aeday aouty of e peope wthout reat talet or eroalty yyoutfu oetede uded the harhly I wa oly a fewot old we I aked te tre erouly f he oderedth a real Care Were they reay u? h wa a heafeltqueto. I wa ot e pertet or try to e lever I waoered Her awer dd ot reaure e ut ave e a oreyatet aroa Over ad over aa we ove were told

tat we were e ve oportute whh had ee deed theret of te outy h ould ot reaure a very you perooo for udae to te heht of the prtual lfe! y atureudet tat te fathfu few who perevered were ero of readedato wt a pt of devoto ad arfe ad ot dear tood hey aed tra ad were auht the tol of ara yte hey roved to e dear, lov, eerou fred

Soo the frot ae ad od weater et e y eaeea. I uffer fro te old. Not oly doe t affet e phyallyut t edue e yooay. ere wa o heat the oldda oue ave a fre te outy roo ad the ovtateoratoryuooroo Day ad ht I wa old I woderedow I woud edure t. Oter eeed to ear t o heerfully whle I

fet uttery rued. e foow year oe etra heat wa45


55/127

Before the ivig Go

se u een so ol ws n exree penne or e woldo o e o n e up ol. I rede he long wner Added oe o ws he rkness whh epresse e here ws noeery ny s res s lush lgh on he srsn psses Eh o s hd lle o p by whh we ould seeo ress uress I ws no uh use or nythng else Whenress en o ll bou our ook n e Oober ndNoeer so y sps A eelng o nense loneness er, urey wou eno e would be workng he grden ne eroos s he s n rkness el ggng p hokes

or ween rouh pr o he ren hs exerse ws onseredeessry or e Wh penne ws! ws he worsgre oes oe rou e sky hokes I wou sudenly ndoe s r y y oo noher gns y hn or suk one en o y ork I nerly sree. I ohed he nd oldneer e use o he I ws he pre o he r y one's sdeo oe e hrow e o he hens I ws unbe o o hs

we w re he y whe woul e orere o pk p wor neer e

ereo ws e soe espely when he hree s oulde oeher e noe Bu knew woul soon end nwe wou o o o e y hor or opne he he hour lone ne r o el wn he ell or ns. Durng y poslny

wou o o e ery seer es week Wh rele hs ws!We ws o o ns I ws oble o res ung hs hours oowe y us (hs srne speen o us desro e e o S eres) n qurer o n hours exen ks o ou 4 wen we rere, o se 54 How ery hrd ws he oe ws n n n ennless o e een houh ou uners n I oul no see how oul be pryer nd

one s w soe he us jus s well e rlng o nurseryryes ws shrpy reproe. suer e we rose 44u ook ours ses y Ahouh he k o sleep ws uy s ws suer h opensed wse wer w ws so ery r. We se ro Sepeber4 ul ser n hs re he ol Fro he e ws

roesse eee ws eep he u rege se or n46


56/127

You fc eek

occaioa ay ght had gm dd fo a yog g ackga tio comfo h ay ya w itt mo tha a tt ofdac It wa impoib to giv o g to ahg btdig h I ad aoth o Phyca hadhp, tm

hood tadad of atity, ca b mca to t gowth th pta f Phyica atty mt b cafy mad tocapacity it mt b kpt t pac, pt whoy at th c ov, v aowd to pac ov I wa tty ahamd of myim motificato . I thoght of St h hoim ag mchhad atity tha I ad w jt ook at m!

I my ay ya i Cam w w xpctd to at a v gdi, pciay th fatg ao h food apat fom thvgtab ad ft w gw ov, wa of poo qaty admakdy dfict poti W w too poo to by k id o o poty fo gg-o wod wom w vad!Coqty it wa coid cay to at ag qatit fth food w had My compicatd f tid tf kot t

fctoy I dd ot wat to gt fat ad th dt wa a fattg What i mo, I had com to thik it ath coa to hav a gapptit ad at a ot I thoght it ath bcomig that hod at o hatiy. o ay book o th pta f o pckdp pok of th cty of fatig O ow Rule nd onttutondmadd t Wh th wa th cotcy? h md to m

a ack of athtcty h o of th may itac whch I wa toot, to ft ov ad fay wok to ov My ov of bgiga ad to xc pomptd m aog th path of abtto adabov a th cavg fo atttio ad ympathy ot to at wa away a dhot way, of tatig that I am ot w I am ffgWith th po M a th wa o po av a habk o at what I wa gv

Lat o, wh I wa wokig had, kpg th f tmtabad ffig fom cod food bcam a obo T dfcwa to at fo may may ya. I fod it xtmy hmatgad td v to t ayo how bothd I wa abot fd Iaw that oth ffd fom th am dffcty ad I wadtmd I wa ot goig to b aogd thm I at ya Ihav ookd cafy at th phomo which a wd xpc

47


57/127

Bfo th lvng God

has shown to b quit common in our monastrs h xplanationsms to b that in a lif so dprivd of comfort on v lvl anlittl comfort offrd is rabidly graspd. hr ar two sourcs ofcomfort bd and food and nd for ths can b trannical Su rl

thr must b somthing unbalancd in a rgim which far fromfring pop binds thm to such animal nds Exprnc hasprvd that whn sistrs ar trul happy ar gvn adquat worthintrsts wholly compatibl with th contmplativ lif such as goodrading intrsting crativ rsponsibl work and abo allmotional satisfaction in human rlationships food and slp cas

to b important. hy fall into th normal patt Proccupationwith food and slp always lads m to suspct th supposdwllbing of a givn community. t is a smptom of a disas andshould not b ignord or considrd of littl consqunc.

y first lttr ro hom arrivd at th nd of my first wk a fatnvlop addrssd n Bttys handwriting. lrady had graspdthat in Carml ons tim is not ons own it blongs to rligion

that on livs strictly according to schdul with no fr intrluds inwhich on can rla and us as on plass. Any spar fw momntsmust b givn to swng which was always at hand in on's cll Soth prcious lttr would hav to burn a hol in my pockt until thmidda sista or until aftr complin. Howvr our mistrss mt mand told m to opn it took it to m cll and rad it or thm for

thr wr svral lttrs in on; chatt lttrs tlling m what wasgoing on full of slang and joks no moaning or wailing Mothrslttr was quit and factual. Sh knw that lttrs wr opnd bforbing givn to m and that my lttrs hom wr cnsord Carfully controlld my imagination. shut of motion and livd awarom m famil Possibly it was th onl thing to do at th t im Latron cannot rmmbr wh our mistrss told m that must hav

it out with mslf did allowd th ull lood of sorow to swpovr . had lost thm my mothr athr m lovl dar sistrsand brothr. Btty and ary wr particularl clos to m. hywoud grow up without m Gradually would slip out of thir livsand cas to b part o th amily. Ys thy wr trul tl lost.ohow or othr was abl to grappl with this thought of

trnit and that i it was or God cut mysl rom thm thn48


58/127

You fc

ltatly all old b ll n havn old b th h aganBt havn sd to hav lttl alty n y dak blak onsosnss.

Moth and Daddy togh h so bs o h ayold o to s glaly. lookd oad nnsy o hvst althogh anoth a o told t as oolsh o do so Thvst old ass and old b lt n dsolaton And so t as nv gav y aly th slghtst sson o y nhanss old at ot o sgns to nda hh h tnson btny ants had abatd at al bgan to thnk so. had o a nl

y vlng day v yas lat hn o h st t Moh and alon o hal an o and sh told tha thngs v soh bt. On as th ay lavng th alo asa stly ov to th gll and hsd Moth and addya h btt Rddy Whlst as a nov as allod o balon n th alo th y dat aly althogh o sssotn aoand . As t hand y ants so kd h and

sh t that th oanon n th alo as no hadsh nat a s ty od av ssd not sng h.

ov th at tsl st gatly A y stosson as told tat hnoth old nv go o th aloaon alays soon st b th . Ths dsgsd and gav ay to ndgnant ang and tas. thnk hs as std

Ths o o otaton ss to to ants as ll as todagt t as ay sayng T s a gl btn yo and sW ay l s to t at that lov o als stll and aonnd o th bt n alty nd to k th at as gat adstan as ossb. y a n a dnt old o s t assy nogh tat t as a salshd on gll as ll as aoodn ad on saatng s along not th slghts hysal

ontat thot dvng s o th ntay o vay shddno n thn o at y ot st hav sd sh holov h hldn t s a d assona lov

ay th as snt t sa onlt th had bntn shool and o. ght had hosn to v n Calbas God antd t t t as not ho and nv old b. t

a no oo anyon tng to sggst that had n Cal any49


59/127

efore he lvng God

substtute fo y hoe Cael was hateful o the level that hoeas sweet No one n Cael ould eual y othe ad ssteOny n the ast few yeas have I bought yself to speak of yonastey as hoe oe fo e was y faly Always thee was asot of hostility fo Cael as though I had bee put thee agasty wi I thk it had a lot to do with the loss of depedee aeeing o iseuty beause of ths loss a feelg of helplessessthat I had no pivate lfe any oe

A postuant osdeably olde than yself eteed a oth otwo ate. She was of obke popoios ad had a waspy togue

I was told that she was a lay postuat hs puled e Stefaa Iknew was a ualfed teahe why should she be a lay sste? hedeision seeed opletely abta Oe of the th lay sstewas falng ad anothe was needed Stefaa was physally stogLate I leaed that she had been aothe Cael but was otaepted fo sole pofessio hese ustaes udoubtedlyaffeted he spt he stuato was faught wth teso ee wasa youge peso obvously oe lked uike evey way Sheust have elt ealous of e eve though she was fod of e Shewould ut e wth he togue e ae teded o be haughtyand ude wheeas I thanks to y hoe ad ovetshool bakgoud was osdeed kind ad oueous It was atual fo e toe espetfu to y edes Poo Stefana foud t had gog and I

was so fo he oweve the poess lealy pefeed he adhose o have he wokig wth he I ad o evy of the pvlege !One when ou stess ae to tell e, thkg t would be apeasant supse hat ou othe wated e to help he wth soewok I ealy wept with dsay I was afaid of eesas shatogue, afaid of al she std fo If she epeseted the sp ofCae the I hated Cael

Moe than oe I ollapsed eas ude .eesas shatongue I was ubeaably senstve It was the usto to ask leave togo fo ho f oe had a ft of osy oughig Oe ight at atsduing y postulay havg a bad old, I bega to ough a wayI ould not otol ad pluked up ouage to go up to thepoess and ask if I ght leave She sad a soful sot of way

ou need to lean to blow you nose popely thats all I wet toso


60/127

You ae ee

my ce and burs no ears I was an was ony onn o oved Anoher m a ceaon sh snapped a m caus Iupse somehn or oher. Aan I coud no hod ac h as andfaure o do so d o a hopss f of weepn My nsnc was o

dash from he oom bu knew I mus no ha mus say hand accp he msry and humaon Th commun w awayssw and noncondmnaoy Th poss my shud hshouders and sad somehn abou ben a supd bay

Ofn MTesa woud spak of ou hoy Moh Tesa as f shwre n hr confdnce quon her sayns and ancdos fom h

f. I ended o dnfy he wo. Wha s mo had dvd o hWay o Pecton and had aken umae a S Tsas ado womn-so ke our proress who had spc fo womn was he boas ha she had enoyd he a advana of nbrouh up wh boys Ths we we od had mad h dffncAnyone coud e sh had pofd y ma nfunc My houhswen o my fn mohe and sss. I was shocd by S Tsas

aude o ons famy as epoundd n h Way o Pton Shnvehd aans aachmens and had no paenc wh wpywaes I feared S Teesa for I fe so far movd fom h A 28 coud moan fom my hear o a confsso I am su S Tsa woudneve have acceped me' . Sh woud hav accped you and mad afne nun of you' was hs fm assuranc

The novce who was my frs companon was sn away was donsecrey and I was no od un she faed o appear a h nnovae eercse Laer sh maed. On of h sss n fna vowsef Ths was a b shock I was od was du o connuanfdey. I sounded dreadfu.

The sron fen ha here was no God accompand m nohe house of prayer Wha an anomay seemed Afe som me I

od ou msress of I canno emember wha sh sad A one ofmy ae neews wh he prorss od hr and she pd whhe usua busqueness Of cours he s a God Ths unhsanasson of an obvous fac hped me. Bu h was no hshes am no he shes houh ha made any mpssonon me o feen ha ouchd m. Dun h o hours of mnapaye whch s par of ou ue he posuans and novces w n


61/127

Bfo th lvng God

he dde o he hor ng he lk huer whh w lwro he openng lookng on o he nu For hehuer w drwn k u hn ve overed h openng hroughwhh he prie nd r oud vgue e een u, le he nun

hould e een he pre or eer he ho w n ngdrkne Pree w heer edu nd I w onl oo gd whenor oe reon or oher I w exued ro M nner erghened e. Soehng u e ver wrong wh e. I u nole ny one know or ee wl e hough I hve no voon o heonepve le I red o ke e oehng hppen o e

h gh ound onvnng nd nereng here were one or woook n he nove on pryer I red ou he derengeredng reeon eon nd hen he prer o p-y edon nd kng o eon eeed ue poeher hn d h I hd o egn he egnnng nd epen deded h I wou op or he pryer o ply or e reng y re I oon hd o d uer hepene.

eerhee genune hue eor were o no v d ro hy o h how o r h een n enor proe I hve neereen e o onvne hoe whoe help I hve ough o heround re o y proe. I el no one h rel grpedhow ol y ny w or Fro y ere hdhood od hhdden he nd hde he u now I hppy h h

ohe nove r w ver poverihed he ouny hdno he oney o uy n ook u here w keen dere oud up rry nd we were od o k or ook when riend orree whed o ke g. There w lle h red e Iw rd o ook on he ru e or hey de e ee ohopee o ron' Cht th L1j of th oul w on he

hee nd h eed o e. I w oee I dd no kou degree n he pru e ked ou Chr nd ourunon wh h I ound oe oor nd uppor n h ook.Lkewe our re ued o red ree on he Pcuton oft John of h o y Spnh Cree h w no righenng ook. I w ul o ove nd genlene nd, he e he onlook on Crele pruy h I lked I heped e ge del

2


62/127

You fc k

n wu sy se rectn r e n the way rctsngue. I ws sl ery wrre ut the ttchent t r stressu n he her hn hs wrer se wth sch nderstndngh el less guy. I lerne nt t cnce ysel wth ther

ees usness t n n cnstrctn r her alts, t hve suerntur ew the Suerr n the tngs esdes I n syng I crre u these echngs u hey sn nt y ndn eslshe snd cnuct n atter hw r I e elw . I ws stuly I culd undersnd and wnt It ws te ndull e

I S hse s y de thulness n ttle thngs Ihn hs ws I hd erne r her s r In the nvtte wewee ugh hs tny ctces regung st the whle u cnuc hrughut the y h get u, hw e thee hw t swee he ce hw t e n the eectr n s n.Once ne h stee hese wys the n cu e ccued wth whlst ne ccshe ues ney n ecenly We were

s ugh ht y he thu sence hese dels we werecen ng he w ng unt nght I seeedh hness cnsse n hs St hse wu see t su hsechng n s I ge yse unquesnngy t Yung qcwh g ey I ws sn e I sue th I wnte t dhs he e u hee ws n ens nt

see n I ws n eern sgn eectn wy engthe eec nce . A hs he hu sence sence evenwhen ccse y sen n uwd cty wllngness hewheee I ws neee n t s esy see th I ws cnsdered resue y se ees he cunty

I e un n sw h ew were s thu s I Athugh Iun suec sscn n hs y het cndened e

ecgnse he ny he c chy n enness n regr thes I ws n eue n hnng ysel g een thgh tws ee h hes hugh e s er I ws ctcseseeey hs whe cnce sence' Se ee y teeen e que une y enn hese nue heye senne rgeu cng n sen nd suwy ay uch nd uge y the ctern delt n


63/127

Before the Jvng God

obevne wold be ekoned nfthfl, wtg te obedene w th hppen How fle vew

A f eebe ptl fe oted e oethn efl obene of l tht w pebed tng to ethe hbt of the pte of the peene of God we wee tght,offeng eh new dt to God befoe begng t nd kgfeent t dng wok o whe wlkng log the pge wnted to be onteptve bt eeed hopeel eoved foh go Al w tte blnk Fo e God w not

t poble to offe n explnton of th pnfl phenoeno?

One tht edl png to nd tht t w elt of elfejeton bono pojeted on to God own ee of begttel lovbe n othe wod, thee w n eotol blk to expeene h be o bt the ft tht God w hddenfo ve elet hldhood e dobt he eto oldbe ked f oe wene of God love hd bee thee nhdhoodot hden ee to bob th ne ntll

gven lovng hoewod the elfejeton hve been theewod t hve gown? Rthe, wold not the ene of beng lovedb God hve onteted t? Anothe poble explnton fo thebekne of el ego lfe wold be pl lk ofbkgond knew o tte bot God o of oe og tope thee w nothng to fl bk on hee , thnk, ot n

th bt, oped wth n othe potlnt, hd n exelentbkgond; boght p n good thol hoe nd the pteoon to hpe togethe fthf hh ttendne hd lw ttended thol h nd eeved thooghtheoet knowedge of dotne t whh hone V gve week onfeene whh w n ft ptl tlk nd eof ot hepfl knd devoton t eft e ntohed We hd n

nn etet of thee d n the two e of xth fo V took fo oe of theoog Al th ened otde e God, theobet of t ll ened opetel pt

gget tht the dden, powef ge he gve e nllfed, n ene, ll th theoetl knowedge Fo n e w totggle wth bte poble whh now debe thtbetween God nd the pphenl of God, f he wll pdon e fo

4


64/127

Your face see

ng the expeon hee ed no elaon betwn God and that had bn pented to e teacng at chl o what wbeng offeed to e rego lfe h conct wa to lt oan, an ea takng a oewhat deent fo ow ethat, n a ene, t t alwa ean n the el da teacngwa hn apa fo Cht the Le of the Soul, tee w notg topa eal chne had not et fond Je and God n h wa lot, bewdeed, wth no help decton o one ndetd pobe How cod the? I cold not expe what cold notbng to the face of own d

Fndaental to e a natal fagt whole akepnetab thnk t expeence od, pe, aonene l anetraordnar tcal gace cod cancel thee negate expeenceand od ha not choen to ge e th and do not expt that heeer w He gae e one to ta e of , to awaken e to k foi, to ge woe ef to i, to how e that he alone wa theeanng of etence Fo the ret, t h wll that I hold gope

pinf ong epeencing to the depth what t to be han, afri an crete, beongng wth a e fbre to th wod etoned beond t to a detn bond p wth the lng od acid of eart caed to be, dare I a t, te Son of God fo th wat it en to be a crtn to be taken p nto Je, to be den-tifed wit i, to becoe on in the Son to enter the e fal

ife of te nit. He becae pr that we gt becoe ch w to eperence the bae bone of han poeteding trog wat I ae wrtten on t peod of lfe

fee tat I ae not gen an adeqate ipreon of the dark hodca nd dap wc eneoped e contnal t wa preceti wc de eerting ee o ad to bea It wa alwa wthe It fet ke n . t eeed n eeed to ndcate that thee wa

no oe for od in ert How w t copatbe wth loe? HeeI wa ating te ife wc wa i choice and appaent o l ofi tter bored wit paer, findng not a cap of atfacton inte diine office wc fter l wa pae t wa the ae wth ecept tt tnk to ep I d eceed fo the pet whodirected e to are I d few idea wic eped e to at ta. nd ere w St erea ng tat we ake t o jo to


65/127

Bfor h lvng God

pease Gd' e priress ad sent me a ard insribed wit tsqtatin befre I entered is pae is a paadise fr anynewse se am is t pease Gd bt e fr ne nt aed t t. Andtere was yng rse and Eizabet f te rinty rapsdising

teir y at being n Carme As a pstant I nfessed t bengaways depessed and sad e nfessr tk p te pnt sayngtere was n sin n tis raer it was a ea rss aid n me seary in reigis fe. It wd pass and Gd wd gve me nsatin is mfrted me fr a itte wie bt I fnd t ve ardt trst anyne sffiienty t aept is dgement.

Were tere n peasres in my yng ife? Ve few Simpe festivites and reaxatins at Cristmas tie and ter rare asins. Ifnd mysef twing mysef nt tese wit intensty ny t fndmysef sik and weary afteards. I remember king frward tr mistress feast We ad ea tger in te nvitae and rereatn fr abt an r It d e an asin wen I dembrae and kiss r wit nv eing f igimay A aqarter t fie te aper d fr rparatin r ryrsine wd fa and deressin even der invade my peart. avid tis intense feeng f sadns fe s an snI earned t d bak frm tem neer give myef wy trea tat tey wd sn pass tat ny Gd was t be ad nded in Carme. Ony y my Jess is wat my desate frzen

eart as wispered a tsand sand times t im frm myeariest days nti nw bt tere was n answering respnse f ven t t reassre me tat e was tere ta e ared. I fet eared nting tat e ad brgt me nt te deset t die f nger and d I was ttery frrn As I said befre te ve f rmstress was te ny man mfrt bt tat was embittered wt

sefentred passin and nseqent git feeings He seemed t

ave et me dwn tere as Had I nt tried t avid tis atastrpe ? I smie at im nw. y tgts are nt yr tgts nryr tgts my tgts Qite s rd

Hwever tis is nt te we trt Wist nt wanting t minimise te wenig tta absene f sense and emtina mfrt Imst empasise tat in a strange way I was ntented. Befre Ientered I tk it fr granted tat I wd rm time t time get a


66/127

Your fce I eek

d dee epe nd h i wee ee eep wy heundy w Wing und he gden w, p f huew nd gdenng he le f exee nd we n newevey lde f g, evey pee f u ll gden A lw wll

uuned y ewh peu fene whh eve nw ndhen ew dwn w u und. he d n dwn ne de ndhe he hee de wee deed wh hue Neve dd fl heghe wih ge u Nw nd hen I fund yef efeng hhee w nhng I wned We hd evehng hee nd ye wehd nhing Pehp gd wy f expeng y h I

new w lvng Oh ye w pinful u i w lfe, nd hehugh ife ude I hd nwn nd , ee w expeiened y he y f pepe, eeed hdy e lfe wud e ple n du in he d f hediffiue f du fe yeng f he efee e f heunnwing hd

w gven he h x nh fe y enne Al he fy

e f he eeny I fund e fn i he lle fund unuune. Any e wih uine w wele I hd e fnd ie eief even in uing dffeen f hnge! de y pfein f pe vw f hee ye n h heflwing ye he ee f en ful dy efe pfen nideed ve ed in Ce I w d h u he wuld ee

e evey dy fu h w w u I ed yelf fwheve igh npie he hu w pen n he elg eu he fundn f he hue nd hed nd hee f Cel. I w n eiu gving f nfn fel iw ie e hn gip nd unning dwn f he hdhed i dne eein nd I new i w wn I hd n heuge y nyhing I peended ene in eee

yng he end I gd e in hi Cel hee neviewhe ne nd ue e f heupe e ve uhn y puny wy I hd wned pend he ee well u h nfin uped y ind

On he eve f y pfen wh he uny w een in he evening I wen ile uehue n he gden eee ndig hee ng he hue lng he

7


67/127

fo lvng God

a sky. I ha eure the orea o my secon wnter sprnwas the ar, the are patches aroun me were newy turne anrake, reay or the see, there was a suspcon o swen n thebus o the appe trees . Spr was beore us . I ha no usons now

here was noth whatever to ook orwar to humay speakn Iwas twenty years o an

Before the Living God - Ruth Burrows

Documents

Transcript of Before the Living God - Ruth Burrows