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David Eckman, Ph.D. is a speaker in

demand internationally. Major universities

sponsor his lectures and training, and he

holds major conferences internationally

and nationally. He is the author of

numerous books and media material.

Becoming What God Intended Ministries is a

dedicated team of Bible teachers and counselors who are

committed to the belief that the Bible – understood and

applied – will bring health and healing to individuals and

families. Our content is the life work by Dr. David Eckman

who has spent over 25 years in Biblical research. He is an

instructor in the disciplines of spiritual life formation, and

he has spent countless hours counseling and discipling

individuals. The result is a uniquely gifted individual who

effectively communicates God’s truths to a hurting world.

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From the other three groups, pick out two people from a different group from you and each other, and describe how you handle a significant difference of opinion with someone close.

Describe (and not just react):

1) When you are stressed and miscommunicate, how do you feel on the inside?

2) When you are stressed and miscommunicate, what you do on the outside?

3) If you are a . . . .

BLAMER, what do you really want the PLACATER to un-derstand about the feeling of hurt?

PLACATER, what do you want the BLAMER to under-stand about the feeling of anxiety?

RATIONALIZER, what do you want the BLAMER and PLACATER to understand about how you shut off?

DISTRACTER, what you want the other three to under-stand?

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Healthy Relationships

Communication Exercise

WHEN PEOPLE GET STRESSED AND WORN DOWN, FOUR STYLES OF MISCOMMUNICATION SOMETIMES APPEAR. THEY ARE:

1) BLAMING: The Blamer runs on hurt and anger, and he or she needs the other person to agree with their feeling of anger and accept their perspective. The Blamer wants a relationship but a friendship based on how they look at life. Is that you?

2) PLACATING: The Placater runs on anxiety and will say whatever will preserve the relationship. The are natural diplomats, and their goal is harmony. Both the blamer and placater value relationship. Is that you?

3) RATIONALIZING: The Rationalizer has overdeveloped the ability to emotionally shut down and withdraw relationally. When stress enters a relationship, they will dis-connect emotionally and keep people at a distance.

They are not as concerned about relationship. Is that you?

4) DISTRACTING: The Distracter has deep internal discomfort and uses various means to keep others from discovering what is really going on inside. They may talk to much, ask too many questions, joke too much, etc. But the goal is to keep people from penetrating the uncomfortable world of their heart. Is that you?

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The Instincts of Our Fallen DNA David Eckman, Ph.D. whatGodintended.org

DNA is one of the greatest discoveries of the modern world. With its

discovery come two great insights: (1) who we are physiologically is

determined by that DNA, our health, our height, our eye color, every cell

in our body, and (2) this inherited DNA stems all the way back to our

first parents. Some think those first parents were apes who got a

phenomenal number of good breaks (otherwise known as mutations);

others believe the Biblical record is true and the parents of humanity are

Adam and Eve.

Those of us who believe the Bible also believe that there is a spiritual

DNA as much as a physical DNA. This spiritual DNA determines the

spiritual realities that are true of all humanity, and, similar to physical

DNA, that spiritual DNA leads all the way back to our first couple. The

spiritual DNA is present in all the history of the Bible; its characteristics

first appeared with Adam and Eve and can be discovered in the history of

the first couple. Unlike the physical DNA that was formed and fashioned

into Adam and Eve by the work of God, this spiritual DNA was created

by the actions of Adam and Eve and the dramatic choice of Adam. Just

as humanity’s form and function was inherent in the creation of the

couple, also the spiritual destiny of their descendants was inherent in

their choice.

What are the elements of that spiritual DNA? We can find them in

Genesis 3 in the great story at the beginning of humanity’s spiritual

history. The first element or mutation of what was originally healthy

revealed itself in Genesis 3.

4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be

opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

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The first mutation that became the spiritual DNA of humanity was

doubt, or suspicion of God. When they doubted God, that choice

became the destiny of their descendants. Our suspicion of God in one

sense is as normal as our skin color or height (all were inherited). That

doubt of God was reinforced by a rampaging sense of need and

deprivation that the serpent introduced into their hearts: “we need more,

we don’t have enough.”

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for

food and pleasing to the eye, . . .

The second mutation was the sense of need and lack. The woman felt

incomplete, cheated. Since they had ruled God out, the woman and

eventually the man defined themselves by what they did not have. They

needed what the tree represented more than they felt they needed God.

God had given them everything in the Garden, but all that they were

considering was what they did not have.

and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.

This need was attached to something within them, a sense of desire,

delight and pleasure. One could call it love. Healthy love was a part of

unfallen humanity because humanity was made in the Image of God,

and therefore had the capacity to love God and others. Because of the

Fall, love became strangely attached to that which was not God. The

third mutation was the normal and healthy love they should have had

for God became attached to that which is unlike God. The Bible calls

that which is not God and unrelated to God darkness. Darkness draws

away from God the desire and love of the person. The third mutation

has affected all of humanity from Adam and Eve. This mutation of

healthy love was categorically defined in the Gospel of John.

19 This is the judgment: Light has come into the world, but

people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds

were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil continually hates the

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Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is this a pattern you slip into? The Blamer normally lives in a world of hurt; what might be some hurts you have not resolved?

The Placater - Both the Placater and the Blamer are trying to sustain relationships by ineffective means: the Blamer by condemning the other so that the other will agree and relate on the Blamer's terms, and the Placater by appeasement and misinformation. Both are unhealthy. Timothy was told that he should not be controlled by fearful anxiety (read II Timothy 1:7) so that the might avoid saying what people wanted to hear (read 1:8). The Placater lives in a world of anxiety; they reduce their anxiety by telling other people what they want to hear.

The Placater does not say things factually: their inner reality does not match their outward conduct and words (thoughtfully read Proverbs 26:22-28). The Blamer leaves no doubt as to what he thinks, but one will rarely hear what the Placater thinks. Truth for them is what works!

Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is this a pattern you slip into? What are some anxieties that might be driving the Placater in you?

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Biblical Examples of Improper

Communication Patterns

The types of patterns you have just observed are described in Scripture. The four patterns appears frequently in Scripture as habits to be put off, or as patterns in people's lives. A short description of where they are found in Scrip-ture will follow.

The Blamer - The Blamer lives in a world where hurt and blame are in the air he or she breathes. Their mental world is like that of Jonah who said he did not want to live in a world where God would exercise mercy and grace (read Jonah 4:1-3). Jonah was nursing a long time hatred for the Assyrians of Ninevah because they had deeply hurt his people by their repeated invasions and atrocities. His life followed the typical pattern of the Blamer: a deep hurt, unresolved anger, an indifference to the feelings of the target of his wrath, and finally a surprise over God's willingness to deal in mercy and pity. Jonah was shocked that another way of looking at the world actually existed. In Jonah's world, somebody was always guilty.

The New Testament says that entire groups of people clothe themselves with anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech. This type of relational clothing needs to be put off like dirty old clothes (read Colossians 3:8), and the clothing of compassion and kindness are to be put on (read Colossians 3:12). The first verse describes a person who does not know what to do with hurt. The second describes what needs to be done.

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light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds

will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into

the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have

done has been done in the sight of God. John 3

Choosing the fruit was to choose three good things, something good as

food, something good to look at, and something good to make a person

wise. Yet they were choosing darkness and death because they were

choosing good over God. That is what is in the spiritual DNA of

humanity: an instinctive sense of feeling needy and then choosing

anything over God to meet that need. Deprivation defined them at the

moment of choosing the fruit, but in choosing the fruit they chose

darkness. Darkness is anyplace and anyone where God is not.

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized

they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made

coverings for themselves.

After eating, they became ashamed of who they were as persons; they

were no longer acceptable. In other words, the fourth mutation,

self-hatred and the hatred of others, entered into the world.ˡ Shame

means I reject who I am. It may sound too strong to say that shame is

self-hatred, but it is the opposite of self-acceptance so it is self-rejection

or self-hate. Further, Adam ended up blaming the woman for his choice

by saying the woman that God gave him gave him the fruit to eat

(Genesis 3:12). The poetry that Adam first expressed upon seeing Eve

became poisonous condemnation.

Immediately following the story of the Fall is the story of the survival of

Adam and Eve: Adam’s desperate work of making the earth sustain him

so that he could physically survive, and Eve’s painful work of child-

bearing so that humanity could survive.

_________________________________________________

ˡAdam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves. We cover ourselves with self-deception so we do not see how bankrupt our inner life is outside of

Christ. Sadly that self-deception can continue after we know Christ.

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There is another way of looking at this. By his choices Adam created a fallen

world for the subsequent generations to live within. What he chose, we

became. How they used what God had placed within them to make a wrong

choice became our ever-present internal realities as a race. We can diagram

the world we live within, and that diagram is actually what Adam and Eve

experienced as they misdirected the life God gave them and chose wrongly.

The first and foundational element is to mistrust God. The result for believers

and non-believers alike is our default belief to mistrust God. A sense of need

arises out of our mistrust of God; we feel a deep need for something other

than God. We then look for something or someone to love to meet that need.

When we do that, we do not realize we are embracing darkness. As a result,

we end up becoming embarrassed and ashamed of who we are, and angry and

critical of those around us. We disappoint ourselves and we find others to be

disappointments. Finally, we conclude, we must do whatever it takes to sur-

vive. Below is a diagram of our fallen DNA, the instinctual world we live in:

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The Distracter - The Distracter is a person who has too much inward pain, so that they instinctively fend off others either by too much talk, irrelevant talk, or by rationalistic questions. Profound shame tends to be their driving emotion. Their motto: "If you knew me, you would join me in rejecting myself."

The woman at the well in the Gospel of John is a good example. She was suspicious of Jesus (read 4:7-9), and she needed emotional enrichment (read 4:10-15). When the subject of her married relationship came up, she fled into subterfuge and religious discussions (read 4:16-20). What Jesus recommended to her as a solution was to be reparented by God the Father (4:21-24). She had all the symptoms of someone from a dysfunctional family background: she did not trust, feel or communicate.

Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is this a pattern you slip into? At what times in your life have you used conversation to keep people away?

Both the Rationalizer and the Distracter are fleeing relationships while the Blamer and the Placater are desperately trying to sustain them.

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Healthy Relationships

THE INEFFECTIVE STYLES

The Rationalizer - This individual will be out of touch with himself or herself and with others. Emotionally they are going away from relationships. An example of a person who is emotionally out of touch is the Rich Young Ruler (read Luke 18: 18-22). He assumed that he had kept all the commandments and was not aware of anything internally contradicting that statement. But as soon as Christ set before him the choice of abandoning his wealth and embracing a relationship with Him, the young man went away sad. He was now in touch with his emotions.

Another example is doubting Thomas. After suffering the hurt of Christ's death, he isolated himself from the other disciples. Keeping himself intellectually aloof from the other disciples, he demanded proof of the Resurrection (read John 20:24-25). Christ confronted him and asked him to have enough trust to place his fist in the wounds. The Rationalizer after having been hurt, 1) retreats from people, 2) gives up on trust, and 3) stays relationally aloof so as not to be hurt again.

Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is this a pattern you slip into? Many times a Rationalizer has been so severely hurt in family relationship that they have become emotionally void: how does your inner life compare with that?

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God created humanity to be interdependent. We all stand or fall together.

He created our physical and spiritual DNA to make us unitary throughout

history; consequently, Adam’s choice became all of our choices². In the same

way, when we become believers we participate in a New Humanity defined by

Jesus the Son of God’s spiritual identity or DNA. The spiritual mutations that

entered with Adam became the defining characteristics of our fallen world.

They have become our instincts. Now as believers in Christ, we need to

develop a whole new set of instincts wherein:ᶾ

I conquer in Christ

I accept me and love you

I love and delight in God

I am content

I trust God the Father

These five replace the five elements of our Fallen World. To understand

what happened in the Fall is to understand ourselves. Since we live in unity

with Adam, his choices became our inner world. That inner world is just as

predictable as what our physical DNA produces in our offspring. Therefore,

we should not be shocked by what is within us, but recognize that is the

human norm, and that means we must pursue our New Life in Christ to

change them. Our hearts need regeneration and the power of the Spirit so

we can rebuild our fallen world in the likeness of Christ!

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²Angels or spirits are individual unique creations of God that cannot reproduce. They are always presented in Scripture as male. But humanity is a collective. We share a profound unity with Adam and we are generated from him and Eve. Who he was we become. In the New Testament Christ is presented as the Last Adam and the Second Man. Only two true men existed and all of the rest of us are imitations. If we stay imitations of Adam, we enter darkness. If we chose Christ, we become imitations of Him and enter eternal life or God’s kind of life.

ᶾIn the same when we become believers we participate in a New Humanity defined by Jesus, the Son of God’s spiritual identity or “DNA.”

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Notes

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Notes