Becoming Single Again

Written by: Alanzo Smith, EdD

Family Counselor for the Greater New York Conference of

Seventh-day Adventist in Manhasset, New York, USA

From Revival and Reformation: Families Reaching Across.

Presented by: (add presenter name here)

The Reality of A Divorce

• Divorce rate in the USA• 50% of all marriages end in divorce• Highest divorce rate in the world

• Impacts of a divorce• Profound and long lasting• Affects couple, family members, friends,

church and community

• Mourning alone – emotional pain of being single again (Forrest, 1981)

• Feelings of loneliness, devastation• Victimized by labeling of others• Rejection by others• Physical and emotional consequences• Coming to grips with the reality of being

single again

Emotional Impact

• Widowhood may demand major life adjustments.

• Dual dilemma of having to reorganize and restructure the management of life• When children are involved, the dynamics

of the family adjustments can be challenging.

• When the surviving parent is involved in a new relationship it can cause conflicts.

Loss of Spouse to Death

• Singleness is not a dysfunction.• It marks the loss of a “socially valued

status.”• It is not the loss of your valued self.

• The majority of singles lead respectful, honest and wholesome lives.

• As a child of God, singles can face their reality with determination and dignity.

Being single again

• Preoccupation with revenge

• Excessive guilt• Heightened sense

of spirituality• Social withdrawal• Absentmindedness

Emotions

• Undifferentiated sadness

• Episodic anger • Feelings of loneliness• Irrational

helplessness• Shock and Awe

• Provide time for grieving. Grief is normal. Give yourself sufficient time to return to basic functioning such as going back to work and household tasks.

• Recognize your emotional feelings. There should be no rationalization or suppression of emotions.

• Explore defenses and coping style. Defense mechanisms are often used to obscure reality. For example you may shift uncomfortable feelings to a child.

Managing Your Emotions

• Find meaning to the loss. (Romans 8:28)• God is working with us in every good or bad

situation. • Let go and let God

• God has ultimate control over your life. Re-invest the emotional energy of the separation in self and God.

• Get professional help. Sometimes you will not be able to mitigate every situation yourself.

• Improve social competence.

Accept the circumstances

• Get involved in meaningful hobbies and activities.

• Attend and participate in church activities.• Let go of negative emotions and forgive yourself

and your ex-spouse.• God is waiting to partner with you to open new

doors.

See Handout 2

Steps for Growth

• It is a healing gift when done in harmony with God’s Word.• Watch for quick rebounds and the desire to

compensate for one’s immediate apprehension.• The Bible warns against cohabitation. • Society seems to have become more tolerant to

couple living together.• It is still against the will of God. Place yourself in the

center of God’s will.

Remarriage