CONTENTS

Cover

Acknowledgments

Foreword

1.WHATDRAWSMETOPEOPLE?Understandingthequalitiesyouenjoyinothers

2.WHATDRAWSOTHERSTOME?Understandingwhatpeoplelikeaboutyouandwhy

3.HOWTOBECONFIDENTWITHPEOPLELearningtofeelcomfortablewithothers

4.BECOMINGAPERSONPEOPLEWANTTOFOLLOWDevelopingthequalitiesofaneffectiveleader

5.MOTIVATINGPEOPLEFORTHEIRBENEFITDevelopingtheartofdrawingoutthebestinpeople

6.HOWTOBEAPERSONPEOPLERESPECTUnderstandingthevalueofyourcharacter

7.YOUCANBEANENCOURAGERUsingyourskillstoinspireotherstoexcellence

8.LOVINGDIFFICULTPEOPLEUnderstandingandhelpingdifficultpersonalities

9.HOWTOBEAPERSONWHOCANHANDLECRITICISMLearningtouseconfrontationasanopportunitytogrow

10.BEINGAPERSONPEOPLETRUSTBuildingintegrityintoyourrelationships

11.DEVELOPINGAWINNINGTEAMLearninghowtohelpothersbecomesuccessful

Extras

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ThisbookisdedicatedtothethreecongregationsthatIhavebeenprivilegedtopastor.

TheChurchofChristinChristianUnionHillham,Indiana1969–1972

FaithMemorialChurchLancaster,Ohio1972–1980

SkylineWesleyanChurchLemonGrove,California1981–1995Thesechurchesrepresentthousandsofrelationshipsthathavemoldedmeas

a leader. It is from theseexperiences that thisbookhasbeenwritten.Theonetruththatringsclearerthananyotheris…

People don’t care howmuch you knowUntil they knowhowmuch youcare.

FOREWORDOneofthemostimportantdecisionsI’veevermadeistobeapeopleperson.

Honestly, itwasn’t a difficult decision forme. I naturally lovepeople and amattracted to them.But Ialsohave tosay, I’veworkedat improvingmypeopleskills.WhenIwasgrowingup,IknewthatIwasgoingtobecomeapastor,andthatmeantthatIwouldbeworkingwithpeopleeverydayofmylife.

Myfatherknewthis too.He isapastor.Becauseheunderstood thepowerand importanceofbeinggoodwithpeople,Dadhelpedme to startdevelopingthoseskillswhileIwasjustaboy.Hecoachedme.Hegavemebookstoread.AndbythetimeIhadgraduatedfromhighschool,hehadtakenmetotwoDaleCarnegiecoursestolearnhowtowinfriendsandinfluencepeople.

My father also modeled great people skills to me. What makes thatespecially impressive is that unlike me, he is not naturally a people person.Where my temperament is very sanguine, his is melancholic. Where I am anaturaloptimist,hisbent is towardpessimism.Yethehas taughthimself tobebothoutgoingandpositive.Hecontinuestobeaninspirationtome.

IfyouareabelieverinChrist,thenyouneedtobeapeoplepersontoo.Jesusexhortsustoloveoneanother(John13:43).AndtheapostleJohnexplainsthatifwetrulyloveGod,thenwemustloveourbrotherstoo(1John4:20–21).

The good news is that with God’s help, anyone can learn to be a peopleperson—regardlessoftheirpersonalityorbackground.BeaPeoplePersonisthefirstrelationshipbookIeverwrote.Itcontainselevenkeylessonsthatcanhelpapersontobecomebetteratconnectingwith,relatingto,andleadingothers.EachlessonistaughtfromabiblicalperspectiveandcontainsreferencestoScripturetohelpyoulearnmoreaboutwhattheBiblesaysaboutthebestwaystointeractwithpeople.

Itrustyouwillfindthisbookhelpful.AndmayGodblessyouasyoublessothers.

JohnC.Maxwell

JohnC.Maxwell

2007

CHAPTER1

WHATDRAWSMETOPEOPLE?Understandingthequalitiesyouenjoyinothers

THE BASIS OF LIFE IS PEOPLE and how they relate to each other. Oursuccess,fulfillment,andhappinessdependuponourabilitytorelateeffectively.Thebestwaytobecomeapersonthatothersaredrawntoistodevelopqualitiesthatweareattractedtoinothers.

Just as Iwaspreparing this chapter, I receivedananonymouscard fromamemberofmycongregation. Itwas especiallymeaningful because it reflectedtheimportanceofwarm,rewardingrelationships:

Whenspecialpeopletouchourlivesthensuddenlyweseehowbeautifulandwonderfulourworldcanreallybe.Theyshowusthatourspecialhopesanddreamscantakeusfarbyhelpinguslookinwardandbelieveinwhoweare.Theyblessuswiththeirloveandjoythrougheverythingtheygive.Whenspecialpeopletouchourlivestheyteachushowtolive.

Does that reflect the kind of person you are to others? Itwas a humblingblessingformetoreceivesuchagreetingcard.Irealizedhowappropriateitistothischapterasweconsiderwhatqualitiesweneedtodevelopinourlives—thequalitiesweenjoyinothers.

This poster in a Nordstrom’s department store once caught my attention:“The only difference between stores is the way they treat their customers.”

That’s a bold statement. Most stores would advertise the quality of theirmerchandiseor theirwideselectionaswhatsets themapart fromthe rest.ThedifferencebetweenNordstrom’sandother stores, according toanemployeeofthe competition, is that other stores are organization-oriented; Nordstrom’s ispeople-oriented.Their employees are trained to respond quickly and kindly tocustomer complaints. As a result, according to writer Nancy Austin,“Nordstrom’sdoesn’thavecustomers;ithasfans.”

AstudybyTARP,TechnicalAssistanceResearchPrograms,inWashington,D.C., shows thatmost customerswon’t complain tomanagement if somethinggoes wrong with the purchase. But TARP found out that, depending on theseverityoftheproblem,anaveragecustomerwilltellbetweennineandsixteenfriends and acquaintances about his bad experience. Some13 percentwill tellmore than 20 people!More than two out of three customerswho’ve receivedpoorservicewillneverbuyfromthatstoreagainand,worse,managementwillneverknowwhy.

Every company is bound to goof now and then, but from the customer’sperspective,what’simportantisthatthecompanyresponds.ThisisthesecretofNordstrom’ssuccess.TheTARPstudyalsoshowsthat95percentofdissatisfiedcustomerswill buy from the store again if their problems are solved quickly.Even better, they will each tell eight people about the situation’s happyconclusion.The trickformanagersandsalespeople is togivecustomersampletimetoofferfeedbackontheservicetheyreceive.

This chapter certainly isn’t about department stores and customersatisfaction,buttherearesomeprinciplesfromthesereportsthatshouldspeaktousaboutourrelationshipswithothers:

Arewequicktorespondtoothers’needs?

Dowerunfromproblemsorfacethem?

Dowetalkmoreaboutbadnewsorgoodnews?

Dowetalkmoreaboutbadnewsorgoodnews?

Dowegivepeoplethebenefitofthedoubt,ordoweassumetheworst?

TheGoldenRuleWhat’sthekeytorelatingtoothers?It’sputtingyourselfinsomeoneelse’splaceinstead of putting them in their place. Christ gave the perfect rule forestablishingqualityhumanrelationships.Wecall it theGoldenRule,anameitgotsometimearoundtheseventeenthcentury.NeartheendoftheSermonontheMount,Christsummedupaseriesofprofound thoughtsonhumanconductbysaying, “Therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you”(Matt.7:12).

Inthisbriefcommand,Christtaughtusacoupleofthingsaboutdevelopingrelationshipswithothers.Weneedtodecidehowwewanttobetreated.Thenweneedtobegintreatingothersinthatmanner.

Recently I tookmy daughter Elizabeth out to a restaurant for lunch. Thewaitress,whose job it was to take care of people,made us feel thatwewerereallyinconveniencingher.Shewasgrumpy,negative,andunhelpful.Allofhercustomers were aware of the fact that she was having a bad day. Elizabethlookedupatmeandsaid,“Dad,she’sagrump, isn’t she?” Icouldonlyagreewithalookofdisdain.

Halfway through our experience I tried to change this woman’s negativeattitude.Pullingouta$10bill,Isaid,“Couldyoudomeafavor?I’dlikesomechangeforthis$10billbecauseIwanttogiveyouagoodtiptoday.”Shelookedatme,didadouble take, and then ran to thecash register.After changing themoney,shespentthenextfifteenminuteshoveringoverus.Ithankedherforherservice,toldherhowimportantandhelpfulshewas,andleftagoodtip.

Asweleft,Elizabethsaid,“Daddy,didyouseehowthatladychanged?”Seizingthisgoldenopportunity,Isaid,“Elizabeth,ifyouwantpeopletoact

right toward you, you act right toward them. And many times you’ll changethem.”

Elizabeth will never forget that lesson because she had seen a noticeablechangetakeplacerightbeforehereyes.Thatgrumpywomandidn’tdeservetobetreatedkindly.Butwhenshewastreatednotasshewas,butasIwantedhertobeandbelievedshecouldbecome,herperspectivesuddenlychanged.

Whateveryourpositioninarelationship,ifyouareawareofaproblem,it’syourresponsibility tomakeaconcertedeffort tocreateapositivechange.Quitpointing your finger and making excuses, and try being a catalyst bydemonstrating and initiating the appropriate behavior. Determine not to be areactorbutaninitiator.

FiveWaysYouWantOtherstoTreatYouThese next five points seem too simple even to mention, but somehow weoverlookthem.Thequalitiesthatmakerelationshipsrightaren’tcomplicatedatall.There’snotapersonreadingthiswhodoesn’tneed,like,orrespondtothesequalitiesinothers.

1.Youwantotherstoencourageyou.There isnobetterexercise for strengthening theheart than reachingdownandlifting people up. Think about it; most of your best friends are those whoencourageyou.Youdon’thavemanystrongrelationshipswithpeoplewhoputyoudown.Youavoidthesepeopleandseekoutthosewhobelieveinyouandliftyouup.

SeveralyearsagoDr.MaxwellMaltz’sbook,Psycho-Cybernetics,wasoneofthemostpopularbooksonthemarket.Dr.Maltzwasaplasticsurgeonwhooftentookdisfiguredfacesandmadethemmoreattractive.Heobservedthatineverycase,thepatient’sself-imagerosewithhisandherphysicalimprovement.

In addition to being a successful surgeon,Dr.Maltzwas a great psychologistwhounderstoodhumannature.

Awealthywomanwasgreatlyconcernedaboutherson,andshecametoDr.Maltzforadvice.Shehadhopedthatthesonwouldassumethefamilybusinessfollowing her husband’s death, but when the son came of age, he refused toassume that responsibility and chose to enter an entirely different field. ShethoughtDr.Maltzcouldhelpconvincetheboythathewasmakingagraveerror.The doctor agreed to see him, and he probed into the reasons for the youngman’sdecision.

Thesonexplained,“Iwouldhavelovedtotakeoverthefamilybusiness,butyoudon’tunderstandtherelationshipIhadwithmyfather.Hewasadrivenmanwhocameupthehardway.Hisobjectivewastoteachmeself-reliance,buthemadeadrasticmistake.Hetriedtoteachmethatprincipleinanegativeway.Hethoughtthebestwaytoteachmeself-reliancewastoneverencourageorpraiseme.Hewantedmetobetoughandindependent.Everydayweplayedcatchintheyard.Theobjectwasformetocatchtheballtenstraighttimes.Iwouldcatchthat ball eight or nine times, but always on that tenth throw he would doeverythingpossibletomakememissit.HewouldthrowitonthegroundorovermyheadbutalwayssoIhadnochanceofcatchingit.”

Theyoungmanpausedforamomentandthensaid,“Heneverletmecatchthe tenth ball—never! And I guess that’s why I have to get away from hisbusiness;Iwanttocatchthattenthball!”

This young man grew up feeling he could never measure up, never beperfect enough to please his father. I would not want to be guilty of causingemotionaldamage tomywife,mychildren,ormy friendsbynotgiving themeveryopportunitytosucceed.

WhenElizabethandIusedtoplayWiffleball,Iwouldpitchandshewouldswing.I toldheritwasmyresponsibilitytohit thebatwiththeball.Onceshehadswungatleasttwentytimeswithoutmakingcontactwiththeball.Finally,in

desperationanddisgust,shesaid,“Ineedanotherpitcher;youcan’thitthebat!”I was duly brought low for my failure to let her succeed. I have since donebetter.

ThestoryofEugeneLanggivesusanultimateexampleofencouragement.Entrepreneur Lang was Success magazine’s “SuccessfulMan of the Year” in1986.ThefollowingispartofafeaturearticleaboutLang’sencouragementofothers:

Agray-hairedmanstandsaloneinthecenteroftheauditoriumstage—a distinguished, paternal presence sporting a fine woolsuitandthebaresttraceofamustache.Hescansthesunlitroom,withitspeelingpaintandfrayeddraperies,buthisgazelingersonthepeople.

TheyareBlackandHispanicmenandwomenwhofillmostof the seats in the auditorium. Though some do not speakEnglish, their attention is fixedon themanat thepodium.Buthis speech is not aimed at them.He has returned to this placewhere he once was a student to address the 61 sixth graders,dressed in blue caps and gowns, who are seated in the frontrows.

“This is your first graduation—just the perfect time todream,”hesays.“Dreamofwhatyouwanttobe,thekindoflifeyouwish to build. And believe in that dream. Be prepared toworkforit.Alwaysremember,eachdreamisimportantbecauseitisyourdream,itisyourfuture.Anditisworthworkingfor.”

“Youmuststudy,”hecontinues.“Youmustlearn.Youmustattend junior high school, high school, and then college. Youcangotocollege.Youmustgotocollege.StayinschoolandI’ll…” The speaker pauses, and then, as if suddenly inspired, he

blurtsout:“Iwillgiveeachofyouacollegescholarship.”For a second there is silence, and then awave of emotion

rolls over the crowd. All the people in the auditorium are ontheir feet, jumping and running, cheering and waving andhugging one another. Parents rush down the aisles to theirchildren. “What did he say?” onemother calls out inSpanish.“It’smoney!Moneyforcollege!”herdaughteryellsbackwithdelight,collapsingintoherparents’arms.

The placewas an elementary school in a poverty-stricken,drug-ridden, despair-plagued Harlem neighborhood. ThespeakerwasmultimillionaireentrepreneurEugeneLang,who53yearsearlierhadgraduatedfromthatveryschool.ThedatewasJune25,1981,andthebigquestionwaswhetherthewarmandever-confidentLang,amanwhobelieves that“each individualsoul is of infiniteworth and infinite dignity,”would fulfill hispromise.

Well,hedidandhestillis.Of61graduates,54stayedincontactwithLang,and90percentof those achieved ahigh schooldiplomaor equivalent, and60percentwentontohighereducation.Youhavetounderstand,atthattime,inthatcommunity,thehighschooldrop-outratewas90percent.

Langbeganthe“IHaveaDream”foundationandnowotherentrepreneursall over the country are also going into classrooms offering the same kind ofscholarships. Even the U.S. Congress took notice and used Lang’s ideas as amodelforanationwideeducationprogramcalledGEARUPstartedin1998.

People need to be encouraged. Eugene Lang believed in these kids and itmadeallthedifferenceinhowtheylivedtherestoftheirlives.ThearticlegoesontoshowLang’simpact:

Lang’s students speak confidently of becoming architects,computerexperts,entrepreneursofall types.Langsays25willgo to college this year, the others will have high schooldiplomas, opportunities for vocational training and, eventuallyjobs.“Thisapproachisexactlyright,”observesCharlesMurrayof the Manhattan Institute of Policy Research, whose bookLosingGroundlamentsthatpoorpeoplearelosingtheirdrivetoclimbtheladderofsuccess.

AriAlvarado expressed it from the students’ side: “I havesomething waiting for me,” he said, “and that’s a goldenfeeling.”Andif thisprogramworks, itmayinfactbecometheultimate capitalist success story—for, as George Gilder pointsout, the roots of capitalism lie not in greed but in giving:Thetrue capitalist is one who invests money and energy today inhopes of a return in the uncertain future. That’s what EugeneLanghasdone, and it’s likely that someofhisdreamstudentswillfollowsuit.“IwanttobecomeadoctoranddowellsoIcanadopt a class of my own someday,” says the optimisticAlvarado. “Just think, if all of us adopted classes… it couldspreadacrosstheworld!”

That isexactlywhatEugeneLanghopeswillhappen:“Wehavetocreatetheopportunitytoworkwithhope,toworkwithambition,andtoworkwithself-respect.Therewards?There isnowaytodescribethejoyofhavingayoungpersontouchyourarm and smile because you have taught him new values andtouched his heart and mind. The greatest experience you canhaveistoseethatchildwithhisnewaspirations.”

Thehappiestpeople are thosewhohave invested their time inothers.The

unhappiestpeoplearethosewhowonderhowtheworldisgoingtomakethemhappy.KarlMenninger,thegreatpsychiatrist,wasaskedwhatalonely,unhappypersonshoulddo.Hesaid,“Lockthedoorbehindyou,goacrossthestreet,findsomeonewhoishurting,andhelpthem.”Forgetaboutyourselftohelpothers.

2.Youwantotherstoappreciateyou.WilliamJamessaid,“Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobeappreciated.”

Have you heard the story about the young politician’s first campaignspeech?Hewasveryeagertomakeanimpressiononhisaudience,butwhenhearrivedattheauditorium,hefoundonlyonemansittingthere.Hewaited,hopingmorepeoplewouldshowup,butnonedid.Finallyhesaidtotheonemanintheaudience,“Look,I’mjustayoungpoliticianstartingout.DoyouthinkIoughttodeliverthisspeechordismissthemeeting?”

The man thought a moment and replied, “Sir, I’m just a cowhand. All Iknow is cows.Of course, I do know that if I took a load of hay down to thepastureandonlyonecowcameup,I’dfeedit!”

Principle:Wecannotunderestimatethevalueofasingleperson.Withtheadvicefromthecowhand,thepoliticianbeganhisspeechandtalkedonandonfortwohoursasthecowhandsatexpressionless.Finallyhestoppedandaskedthecowhandifthespeechwasallright.

Themansaid,“Sir,IamjustacowhandandallIknowiscows.Ofcourse,IdoknowthatifItookaloadofhaydowntothepastureandonlyonecowcameup,Isurelywouldn’tdumpthewholeloadonhim.”

Principle:Don’ttakeadvantageofpeople.J.C.Staehle, after analyzingmany surveys, found that theprinciple causesofunrestamongworkerswerethefollowing,listedinorderoftheirimportance:

1.Failuretogivecreditforsuggestions.

2.Failuretocorrectgrievances.

3.Failuretoencourage.

4.Criticizingemployeesinfrontofotherpeople.

5.Failuretoaskemployeestheiropinions.

6.Failuretoinformemployeesoftheirprogress.

7.Favoritism.

Notice that every single item has to do with the failure to recognize theimportanceoftheemployee.We’retalkingaboutpeopleneedingappreciation.Itry to apply this principle every time I meet a person.Within the first thirtyseconds of conversation, I try to say something that shows I appreciate andaffirmthatperson.Itsetsthetoneoftherestofourtimetogether.Evenaquickaffirmationwillgivepeopleasenseofvalue.

Treat others as you want them to treat you. Treat them as if they areimportant;theywillrespondaccordingtothewaythatyouperceivethem.Mostofusthinkwonderfulthingsaboutpeople,buttheyneverknowit.Toomanyofustendtobetight-fistedwithourpraise.It’sofnovalueifallyoudoisthinkit;itbecomesvaluablewhenyouimpartit.

3.Youwantotherstoforgiveyou.Almost all emotional problems and stress come fromunresolved conflicts andfailuretohavedevelopedrightrelationshipswithpeople.Becauseofthis,manypeople have a deep desire for total forgiveness. A forgiving spirit is the onebasic, necessary ingredient for a solid relationship. Forgiveness frees us fromguiltandallowsustointeractpositivelywithotherpeople.

EarnestHemingway,inhisshortstory,“TheCapitaloftheWorld,”tellsthestoryabouta fatherandhis teenagesonwho lived inSpain.Their relationshipbecame strained, eventually shattered, and the son ran away from home. Thefather began a long journey in search of the lost and rebellious son, finallyputtinganadintheMadridnewspaperasalastresort.Hisson’snamewasPaco,a very common name in Spain. The ad simply read: “Dear Paco,meetme infrontof theMadridnewspaperofficetomorrowatnoon.All isforgiven.I loveyou.” As Hemingway writes, the next day at noon in front of the newspaperofficetherewere800“Pacos”allseekingforgiveness.

TherearecountlessPacosintheworldwhowantmorethananythingelsetobe forgiven. The two great marks of a Christian are that they are giving andforgiving.ShowmeapersonwhowalkswithGod,andI’llshowyouapersonwhohasagivingheartandisforgivingofothers.

The unfortunate truth is that many of us, instead of offering totalforgiveness,praysomethinglikethisIrishPrayer:

Maythosewholoveus,loveus;Andthosewhodon’tloveusMayGodturntheirhearts;AndifHedoesn’tturntheirhearts,MayHeturntheirankles,Sowe’llknowthembytheirlimping.

People who find it difficult to forgive don’t see themselves realistically.Theyareeitherterriblyarrogantortremendouslyinsecure.Thoughhangingontoagrudgegivessomepeopleafeelingofsatisfaction,thetruthispeoplewhodonot forgive are hurting themselves much more than they’re hurting others. Aperson who possesses this characteristic and keeps score in relationships is apersonwho isemotionallywired tocarryall the stress thatgoeswithcarrying

grudges.A few weeks ago I met with a man who came from a devastating

background. His father had suffered a stroke and his mother had been in aseriousaccident;botharenowunabletorespondtohiminanyway.Thereareareasinthisman’slifeinwhichheneedsandwantshisparents’forgiveness,butbecausetheyarephysicallyunabletocommunicate,hecannotbesurethattheyunderstandhim.Everydayhegoestothehospitalandaskstheirforgiveness,buthegetsnoresponse.Thesituationisrobbinghimofanyjoy.

This sameman has an older brother that he hasn’t spoken to in over twoyears.Itisbasicallytheolderbrother’sfault,andmyfriendwantshisbrothertotake thefirststep inpatchingup therelationship. Ichallengedmyfriend to letGod cleanse his heart concerning his relationship with his parents, and to goaheadandtakethefirststepinmakingtherelationshipwiththebrotherright.

ThefollowingSundaymyfriendapproachedmeaftertheservice.Hedidn’tsayawordbutgavemeagreatbighug. Iknewwhathadhappenedandsaid,“Youmadetherelationshipright,didn’tyou?”

“Yeah, I got it taken care of,” he replied—the freedom from his burdenevidentinhissmile.

Toooftenpeoplewaittoolongtoforgiveotherpeople.Forgivenessshouldbegivenasquicklyandastotallyaspossible.Doitnow.Don’tbeinthepositionof theyoungmanwhono longerhas theopportunity tocommunicatewithhisparents.Becauseofhisprocrastinationhewillneverexperiencethejoyoftheirforgivenessandreconciliation.

One of the most striking scenes of the 1970s was Hubert Humphrey’sfuneral.SeatednexttoHubert’sbelovedwifewasformerPresidentRichardM.Nixon, a long-time political adversary of Humphrey, and aman disgraced byWatergate.HumphreyhimselfhadaskedNixontohavethatplaceofhonor.

ThreedaysbeforeSenatorHumphreydied,JesseJacksonvisitedhiminthehospital. Humphrey told Jackson that he had just called Nixon. Reverend

Jackson, knowing their past relationship, askedHumphreywhy. Here is whatHubertHumphreyhadtosay,

From thisvantagepoint,with the sun setting inmy life, all ofthespeeches,thepoliticalconventions,thecrowds,andthegreatfightsarebehindme.Atatimelikethisyouareforcedtodealwithyourirreducibleessence,forcedtograpplewiththatwhichisreallyimportant.AndwhatIhaveconcludedaboutlifeisthatwhenall issaidanddone,wemustforgiveeachother, redeemeachother,andmoveon.

Doyouknowhowtodievictoriously?Quitkeepingscoreof the injusticesthathavehappened toyou. Ifyouareatoddswithanyone, take the first step;confronttheproblemandaskforforgiveness.

Ireceivedaletterfromapastorwho,alongwithsomeofhislaymen,heardmespeakataconferencesevenyearsago.Thelaymenallbecameexcitedaboutwhat theyhadlearned.Thepastorputupawallofdefense, though.Hewasn’texcited, especially when they pushed him to put the principles into practice.Finallyheleftthechurch.RecentlyIreceivedaletterfromhimtellingmethathe had been bitter toward me for the past seven years. He asked for myforgiveness.ImmediatelyIresponded,assuringhimthatallwasforgiven.

Over my years in ministry there have been hundreds of times when I’veexperiencedstrainedrelationships.Ihavehadpeopleswearatme,tellmewheretogo,howtogetthere,andoffertheirassistance.ButIhaveneverknowinglyletthem walk out the door without telling them I love them. I don’t hold anygrudgesorcarryanyresentmentagainstanyone. Icannotstress thisenough: ifyou don’t have peace, it isn’t because someone took it from you; you gave itaway.Youcannotalwayscontrolwhathappenstoyou,butyoucancontrolwhathappensinyou.

4.Youwantotherstolistentoyou.Recently I took a break from my work and walked across the street to thedoughnut shop to get a soft drink.Amanwas sitting there talking to the girlbehindthecounter.Recognizingme,hesaid,“Pastor,she’sbeenlisteningtomeallmorning.I’vebeentellinghermystory.”Irealizedhowimportantitwastohimthatshewaslisteningattentivelyandshowedinterestinwhathehadtosay.Itmadehimfeelthathehadvalue.

My mother was the librarian where I attended college, and each time Ienteredthelibrary,therewouldbeahalfadozencollegegirlsaroundherdesk.Momhasalwayshadanincrediblecounselingministry,notbecausesheissucha great talker, but because she is a tremendous listener. There’s a differencebetween hearing people and listening to them. Listening is wanting to hear.Momlovespeopleandwantstohearfromthem;peoplerespondtothatkindofcaring.

As people gain more authority, they often develop a lack of patience inlisteningtothoseunderthem.Adeafearisthefirstindicationofaclosedmind.Thehigherpeoplegoinmanagementandthemoreauthoritytheywield,thelesstheyare forced to listen toothers.Yet theirneed to listen isgreater thanever.Thefurthertheygetfromthefiringline,themoretheyhavetodependonothersforcorrectinformation.Iftheyhaven’tformedthehabitoflistening—carefullyand intelligently—theyaren’tgoing toget the facts theyneed,andpeoplewillresenttheirdecisions.

Isawatelevisionsketchthat,withsomevariations,mightseemfamiliarinmany households. A husband is watching television and his wife if trying toengagehiminconversation:

Wife:Dear, theplumberdidn’tcometofix the leakbehindthewaterheatertoday.

Husband:Uh-huh.

Wife:Thepipebursttodayandfloodedthebasement.

Husband:Quiet.It’sthirddownandgoaltogo.

Wife: Some of the wiring got wet and almost electrocutedFluffy.

Husband:Darnit!Touchdown.

Wife:Thevetsayshe’llbebetterinaweek.

Husband:CanyougetmeaCoke?

Wife: The plumber told me that he was happy that our pipebrokebecausenowhecanaffordtogoonvacation.

Husband:Aren’tyoulistening?IsaidIcoulduseaCoke!

Wife: And Stanley, I’m leaving you. The plumber and I areflyingtoAcapulcointhemorning.

Husband:Can’t youplease stop all that yakking andgetmeaCoke?Thetroublearoundhereisthatnobodyeverlistenstome.

5.Youwantotherstounderstandyou.Howdoyou feelwhenyou’remisunderstood?Whatkindsof feelingswellupinside you? Loneliness? Frustration? Disappointment? Resentment? These are

commonfeelingswhenwehavebeenmisunderstood.PeterDrucker, often called the “FatherofAmericanManagement,” claims

that 60 percent of all management problems are a result of faultycommunications. A leading marriage counselor says that at least half of alldivorcesresultfromfaultycommunicationbetweenspouses.Andcriminologiststellusthatupwardsof90percentofallcriminalshavedifficultycommunicatingwithotherpeople.Communicationisfundamentaltounderstanding.

Let’scapsulizewhatwe’vecoveredintheselastfewpages.Youwantothersto

•encourageyou

•appreciateyou

•forgiveyou

•listentoyou

•understandyou

Asyouthinkaboutthesequalities,considerhowtheyapplytoyourownlife.Perhaps this short course in human relations can help each of us developqualitiesthatweadmireinothers:

Theleastimportantword:I(getstheleastamountdone)

Themostimportantword:We(getsthemostamountdone)—relationships

Thetwomostimportantwords:Thankyou—appreciation

Thethreemostimportantwords:

Allisforgiven—forgiveness

Thefourmostimportantwords:Whatisyouropinion?—listening

Thefivemostimportantwords:Youdidagoodjob—encouragement

Thesixmostimportantwords:Iwanttoknowyoubetter—understanding

In life, you are either going to see people as your adversaries or as yourassets.Iftheyareadversaries,youwillbecontinuallysparringwiththem,tryingtodefendyourposition.Ifyouseepeopleasassets,youwillhelpthemseetheirpotential, and you will become allies in making the most of each other. Thehappiestdayofyourlifewillbethedaywhenyourealize“we”reallyisthemostimportantwordintheEnglishlanguage.

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Oursuccess,fulfillment,andhappinessdependsuponourabilitytorelatetopeopleeffectively.

•Thekeytorelatingtoothersisputtingyourselfinsomeoneelse’splaceinsteadofputtingthemintheirplace.

•Treatpeoplethewayyouwanttobetreated:

EncourageAppreciateForgiveListen

Understand•Seepeopleasassets,notadversaries.

•Theword“we”isthemostimportantwordintheEnglishlanguage.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyBringingOuttheBestinPeople,AlanLoyMcGinnisTheFriendshipFactor,AlanLoyMcGinnis.

CHAPTER2

WHATDRAWSOTHERSTOME?Understandingwhatpeoplelikeaboutyouandwhy

THE GREATEST LEADERS HAVE IT—that special quality that causespeople to be drawn to their magnetic personalities. Extraordinary entertainersevidencethissomethingextra.Weallhavethepotentialtodevelopthisqualitythatmakesthedifferencebetweenpersonalityandpersonalityplus.Whatqualitydrawsotherstome?Wecansummarizeitinoneword:charisma.

Charisma can be a difficult subject to grapple with because most peoplethinkit isamystical,elusive,undefinablequality thatyoueitherhaveordon’thave.However,Merriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionaryEleventhEditionhasgiven several definitions to charisma, and this is the one we will use, “Apersonalmagicofleadershiparousingspecialpopularloyaltyorenthusiasm.”

Each one of us has certain abilities thatwill increase the charisma of ourpersonality.Youdon’thavetomakeastrainedefforttobecomesomethingthatisnotcomfortablewithyourbasicnature.However,ifyourdesireistobecomeapeople person, then you need to develop an appealing personality that causesotherstorespondtoyou.

WhenweexaminethepersonalitiesofsomeofourUnitedStatespresidents,itbecomesobviouswhysomeweremoresuccessfulthanothersinappealingtothe general public. Ronald Reagan possessed the ability to convey humor,personalwarmth,andrelaxedness.Heknewhowtomakeothersfeelgoodaboutthemselves. John F. Kennedy knew how to give others a feeling of hope. HeexudedboundlessenergyandmademanyAmericansfeelimportantandneeded.

Ourfavoriteleaderswillalwaysstandoutbecauseofacharismafactor.Using thewordCHARISMAasanacrostic,wecandefine theoutstanding

characteristicsofcharismaticpeople:

ConcernHelpActionResultsInfluenceSensitivityMotivationAffirmation

Keepinmindthat thesetraitsarenotsimplyinborn; theyareattainablebyanyonewhocaresaboutotherpeopleandwantstodevelophisorherrelationalskills.Let’slookateachcharacteristicinCHARISMAinmoredepth.

Concern—theAbilitytoShowYouCareCharismaticpeoplehavetheabilitytoshowconcernforpeople’sdeepestneedsand interests.That doesn’tmean charismatic people aremushyor patronizing,butwhenyouarearoundthem,yousensetheirinterestandcareandleavethemfeelingthatyouareimportant.

Someone once asked Perle Mesta, the greatest Washington hostess sinceDolleyMadison, the secretofher success ingetting somany richand famouspeople to attend her parties. “It’s all in the greetings and good-byes,” sheclaimed.Aseachguestarrivedshemethimorherwith,“Atlastyou’rehere!”As each left she expressed her regrets with, “I’m sorry you have to leave sosoon!”

Atanygatheringyouwillfindtwotypesofpeople—thosewhoarrivewithan attitude of “Here I am!” and thosewho possess an attitude of “There youare!” It doesn’t take long to notice that people flock to the “There you are!”people.

Oneofmystaffmembers,DanReiland,andIweretalkingaboutcharismaand why so many people have trouble getting a handle on it. He gave me asimpledefinition,onethatmakes“charisma”easytograsp:Bemoreconcernedaboutmakingothers feel goodabout themselves than youare inmaking themfeelgoodaboutyou.Inotherwords,don’ttrytosellotherpeopleonyou,trytosellthemonthemselves.

Ifyouneedtodevelopgreaterconcernforothersinyourlife,increaseyourexposuretopeoplewhoarehurting.WeseeJesus’senseofconcerninMatthew9:35–38:

Jesuswasgoing throughall thecitiesandvillages, teaching intheir synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom,and healing every kind of disease and every kind of sickness.Seeing the people,He felt compassion for them, because theywere distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd.ThenHesaidtoHisdisciples,“Theharvestisplentiful,buttheworkers are few.Therefore beseech theLord of the harvest tosendoutworkersintoHisharvest.”

Here’sthesequence:Jesuswent,saw,felt,andcared.It’sonlywhenwegoandexposeourselvestovarioussituationsthatwewillseeenoughtodeveloptheconcernnecessarytomoveusintoaction.

It’s difficult to becomemotivated to help people without first seeing andfeelingtheirneeds.Thesecretistospendtimewiththem.Onlywhenyougoandseewillyoufeelanddo.

Help—theAbilitytoReachOutPutsimply,charismaticpeoplearehelpers.Theyareouttoseeothersprofit;theyhave thegiftofgrace. In fact, theGreekword forgift is “charisma,”meaning“giftofgrace.”Godhas freelybestoweduponus spiritualgiftsbecauseofhisgracetowardus.

InRomans12:6,wereadaboutthisfurther,“Sincewehavegiftsthatdifferaccordingtothegracegiventous,eachofusistoexercisethemaccordingly.”And we see in Ephesians 4:11–12, “He gave some as apostles, and some asprophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for theequippingofthesaintsfortheworkofservice,tothebuildingupofthebodyofChrist.”

Notice in both references the emphasis on the variety of gifts and theirpurposeinthekingdom.Itisalwaysforotherpeople,neverforself.Thereisnocharisma in seclusion. You can’t walk into a room and have charisma byyourself!

People have problems. Many are like the beleaguered guy who, indesperation,wenttoapsychiatristforhelp.Hetoldthedoctor,“EverytimeIgetmy act together, the curtain falls down.” He needed more than mercy andconcern;heneededhelp.Youwillfindthatityouareadeptatsolvingproblems,thatwillguaranteeyouafollowingforever.

My favorite cartoon character, Charlie Brown, displayed an attitude withwhichmanyofuscanidentify.HeandLinusweretalkingabouttheirproblems.Linussaid,“Iguess it’swrongalways tobeworryingabout tomorrow.Maybeweshouldthinkonlyabouttoday.”

CharlieBrownreplied,“No,that’sgivingup.I’mstillhopingthatyesterdaywillgetbetter.”

Whatcanyoudotohelppeoplewiththeirproblems?Firstofall,encouragethem to face their problems. Too often people would rather flee them, fight

them,orforgetthem.Second,encouragethemtosolvetheirproblems.Usethefollowingacrostic

toteachyourselftohelpotherpeoplewithdifficulties.

TTellthemittakestime.EExposeyourselftotheirproblemsinordertorelatetothem.AAssurethemofyourconfidenceinthem.CCreativelyshowthemhowtodealwiththeirproblems.HOfferhopetothemthroughtheprocess.

Ilovethisoldstoryaboutcreativeproblem-solving.Mr.MyrickhadtogotoChicagoonbusinessandpersuadedhisbrothertotakecareofhiscatduringhisabsence.Mr.Myrick’sbrotherwasnot a cat-lover,butheagreed todo it as afavor.WhenMr.Myrickreturnedfromhistriphecalledhisbrothertocheckonhis cat.The brother reported in amatter-of-fact tone, “Your cat died,” and hehungup.

FordaysMyrickwas inconsolable.Thenhissadness turnedtoangerathisbrother forbeingsobrutallyhonestand insensitive.Hephonedhisbrother.“Itwasneedlesslycruelandsadisticofyou to tellmesobluntly thatmypoorcathadpassedaway.”

“Whatdidyouexpectmetodo?”demandedthebrother.“Youcouldhavebrokenthenewsgradually,”grumbledMyrick.“Firstyou

couldhavesaidthatthecatwasplayingontheroof.Lateryoucouldhavecalledtosayhefelloff.Thenextmorningyoucouldhavereportedhehadbrokenhisleg.Then,whenIcametopickhimup,youcouldhavetoldmehepassedawayduring the night.Well, it’s just not your style to be civilized.Now tellme—how’sMama?”

Afteralongpause,ameekvoiceontheotherendreplied,“She’splayingontheroof.”

Myrick’s insensitive brother had learned that there should be a process toproblem-solving.

Action—theAbilitytoMakeThingsHappenSomething exciting always seems to be happening around a person withcharisma. The charismatic person has an aversion to being boring. He or shemaybecontroversial,unusual,orentertaining,butneverboring.

Be honest with yourself and evaluate how you come across to others. Ayoungfellowinadrychurchserviceturnedtohismotherandsaid,“Paythemanandlet’sgohome.”Thepreacherobviouslylackedcharisma.

WhenevangelistJohnWesleywasaskedwhypeopleseemedtobedrawntohim,heanswered,“Well,yousee,whenyousetyourselfonfire,peoplejustlovetocomeandseeyouburn.”

Do you want to increase your interest with other people? Develop yourcreativity and your confidence. Creativity is the ability to say things in anunusual way; confidence is the ability to do things in an unusual way.Charismaticpeoplecandoboth.Developthesetwotraitsandpeoplewillstandupandtakenotice.

As a speaker and pastor, I always want to be fresh and exciting in mypresentations.Iwillusehumortodrivehomeapointbutnevertodistractfromthe truth. Long after the content of the message is forgotten, people willrememberthecreativeillustrationsandthetruththatwasemphasized.

Results—theAbilitytoProduceCharismatic people want to be on the winning side of life. People like beingaroundwinnersandwanttoplayonthewinningteam.Aboyplayingchesswithhisgrandfathersays,“Oh,no!Notagain!Grandpa,youalwayswin!”

Grandpa says, “What doyouwantme to do, loseonpurpose?Youwon’t

learnanythingifIdothat!”Buttheboyreplies,“Idon’twannalearnanything.Ijustwannawin!”

Charismaticpeoplenotonlywanttowin,theywantotherstowintoo.Thatcreatesproductivity.

How does a person become productive? Find your strength and then findsomeonewhoneedsyourstrength.Charismaticpeopleusetheirstrengthstohelpother people feel good about themselves; they are other-centered. The personwhoisself-centereduseshisstrengthtodominateothers.

Influence—theAbilitytoLeadLeadershipisinfluence.Ifsomethingnew,exciting,andinterestingishappeninginyourlife,youwillwanttoshareit.Indoingso,youwillinfluenceothersandthey will want to follow your lead. What happens to you speaks of yourcircumstances. What happens in you speaks of your character. And whathappensthroughyouspeaksofyourcharisma.

Doyouwanttolearnhowtobeapositiveinfluenceonothers?Fivefactorscomeintoplay:

WhoIam—mypositionortitle.WhereIam—mylocationorjob.WhoIknow—mysphereofinfluence.Peopleopendoorsofopportunity.What I know—myexpertise.Thiswill keep you in a position long after

whoyouknowwearsoff.WhatIdo—myproduction,character,credibility.

Sensitivity—theAbilitytoFeelandRespondCharismaticpeoplehavetheabilitytobesensitivetochangingsituations.Theyareadept at takingadvantageof themood, feeling, and spirit of any situation.

Mostpeoplehavetheabilitytofeelsomething,buttheyaren’tsurehowtoreacttoitorexpressit.Charismaticpeoplenotonlyfeelit,buttheyknowhowtoreactandexpressit.

Charismatic people find a cause; that’s discernment. They also voice aconcern;that’scourage.Andtheydrawacrowd;that’sautomatic.

In the late 1960s or early 1970s I watched a television documentary onGeorgeWallace.At the time,hewas aprominent figure inAmericanpolitics,perhapsbecauseofhis“redneck”philosophyoverthecivilrightsissue.Noonedoubtedwherehe stoodasheproclaimed, “Segregationyesterday, segregationtoday,andsegregationforever!”Itwasaperfectexampleofacharismaticleaderplayingtowhatthatcrowdwantedtohear.Hewasmasterfulattakingadvantageoftheprevailingmood.Becausehewasabletoforcefullyexpressthefeelingsofa certain segment of society, he became a champion of their cause—albeit anegativeone.

Ifyouaretobecomemoresensitive,youmustbewillingtotakearisk.Taketheinitiativetofindaneedandtakeaction.Peoplewhoareoverlysensitivetothepointthattheirfeelingsarealwayshurtwillwithdrawfromothersandnevertaketherisk.

Butthecharismaticpersonwillriskgettingoutofhiscomfortzoneinordertomakeothersfeelcomfortable.

Motivation—theAbilitytoGiveHopeThesecretofmotivatingothersisprovidingthemwithhope.Peopletendtofeelmorepositivewhentheyarefollowingcharismaticleaders.Let’stakealookatsomeBiblepeoplewhoofferedhope:

Isaiah,speakingofGod,said,“Iwilldosomethingnew”(Isa.43:19).Jeremiahtalkedaboutanewlawintheirhearts(seeJer.31:33).

Jesusspokeaboutbeing“bornagain”(John3:3).PaulcalledaChristiana“newcreature”(2Cor.5:17).John’svision recorded inRevelation spokeof “anewheaven and anew

earth”(Rev.21:1).

Allofthesedynamicleadersconstantlywavedhopebeforetheirpeople.Do you convey hope or despair to those around you? Learn affirmation

skills, problem-solving techniques, ways to verbally encourage others, andconveybeliefandsupportinothers.

Affirmation—theAbilitytoBuildUpCharlesSchwab,thesuccessfulbusinessman,said,“Ihaveyettofindtheman,however exalted his station,who did not do betterwork and put forth greatereffortunderaspiritofapprovalthanunderaspiritofcriticism.”

Everyonewantsandneedstobeaffirmedforhisaccomplishments.Alittleboyplayingdartswithhisfathersaid,“Let’splaydarts.I’ll throwandyousay‘Wonderful!’”That’swhatthecharismaticpersondoesforothers.

Wetendtobecomewhatthemostimportantpersoninourlifethinkswewillbecome.Think the best, believe the best, and express the best in others.Youraffirmationwill not onlymakeyoumore attractive to them,but youwill helpplayanimportantpartintheirpersonaldevelopment.

Howdoweaffirmothers?Wefirstneedtofeelgoodaboutourselves.Thenwe can verbally and actively believe in others and expect them to respondpositively.Peopleareouronlyappreciableasset.AsChristians,wecannotaffordnottoaffirmthem.IfIfailtoaffirmabrother,webothlose.

RoadblockstoCharismaAgain,charisma isa traitorquality inour life thatcanbedeveloped. It isnot

reserved for thosewho are extroverts and enjoy being in front of others. Thepotential to be charismatic lies within each of us, but first we must movehindrances from the development of this important personality characteristic.Whataresomepossibleobstructions?

Pride.Apridefulpersonwillhaveatendencytolookdownonotherpeople,feelingasenseofsuperiority.Peoplewillnotfolloworidentifywithasnobbishpersonalitywhoisconsciousofstatusandposition.

Insecurity. Insecure people are not willing to take a risk. They prefer toremaincomfortableandprobablyunexciting.

Moodiness. This is an immature quality that is detrimental to personalrelationships. Moody people are fickle and, thus, people who cannot bedepended upon. Confidence is never built on a person who is subject tosullenness.

Perfectionism.Perfectionismisanobsessiveneedtoperformflawlessly. Itstiflescreativityandfreedomanditturnspeopleaway.Perfectionistscanrarelyaffirmthemselves;therefore,it’sverydifficultforthemtoaffirmothers.

Oversensitivity. Oversensitive people are constantly licking their wounds.They look inward and are not aware of the needs of others.Naturally, peopledon’tflockaroundthem.

Negativism.Bydefinition,negativismistheoppositeofcharisma.Apersonwith a constant negative attitude is depressing to be around. Their personalitysays no to life in general. Others will avoid a person like that. There is nopossibilityofbeingacharismaticleaderwhennoonewantstobearoundyou.

CharismabeginsatthecrossofJesusChrist.Let’stakealookatPhilippians2:3–11, where we will see Paul using the humility of Christ himself as ourpursuit:

Donothingfromselfishnessoremptyconceit,butwithhumilityofmindregardoneanotherasmoreimportantthanyourselves;

donotmerelylookoutforyourownpersonalinterests,butalsofortheinterestsofothers.Havethisattitudeinyourselveswhichwasalso inChristJesus,who,althoughHeexisted in theformofGod,didnotregardequalitywithGodathingtobegrasped,but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, andbeingmade in the likenessofmen.Being found inappearanceas a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to thepoint of death, even death on a cross. For this reason, Godhighly exaltedHim, and bestowed onHim the namewhich isaboveeveryname,sothatatthenameofJesuseverykneewillbow, of thosewho are in heaven, and on earth, and under theearth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ isLord,tothegloryofGodtheFather.

ThereisnoquestionthatJesuswasandishighlyexalted.Butitbeganwiththe deepest of humility. Remember: Charisma is beingmore concerned aboutmaking others feel good about themselves than you are in making them feelgoodaboutyou!

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Thekeytodevelopingcharisma:Bemoreconcernedaboutmakingothersfeelgoodaboutthemselvesthanyouareinmakingthemfeelgoodaboutyou.

•Traitsofapersonwithcharisma:

Concern—Whattheyshow.Help—Whattheyoffer.

Action—Whattheyprovide.Results—Whattheyproduce.Influence—Whattheydo.Sensitivity—Whattheyfollow.Motivation—Whattheygive.Affirmation—Whattheyshare.

•Charismaisatraitorqualityinourlifethatcanbedeveloped!Thepotentiallieswithineachoneofus.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyPersonalityPlus,FlorenceLittauerYourPersonalityTree,FlorenceLittauer

CHAPTER3

HOWTOBECONFIDENTWITHPEOPLELearningtofeelcomfortablewithothers

WHENI’MINTRODUCEDTOAgroupofpeople I’venevermetbefore, itonlytakesafewminutestoidentifythosewhohaveinfluenceoverothers.Whatisitaboutthemthatsetsthemapart?Isittheirsenseofdirection—theassurancethat theyknowwhere they’re going? Is it an awareness that theyhave certainabilities? Is it their sincerity? Their past successes? Their ability to use eyecontactandbodylanguage?Whatdotheyhavethateverybodywants?

Ifthereisonequalitythatwouldmakeyousuccessfulinmotivatingpeopleorconvincingpeopletofollowyourlead,thattraitwouldbeconfidence.Andifyoucancombineconfidencewithdirection,guidance,pastsuccess,orsomeoftheseothermotivationalmechanics,youhaveapowerfulcombination.Itisquitepossible for a person to know where he or she is going, yet lack the self-confidence to convince others to follow along. Self-confidence carries aconviction;itmakesothersbelieveinus.

A five-year-old boy was intently working with his crayons at the kitchentablewhen hismotherwalked in and questionedwhat hewas doing.Her sonreplied,“I’mdrawingapictureofGod.”

“Buthoney,”sheresponded,“nooneknowswhatGodlookslike.”Withgreatconfidencetheboyboldlystated,“TheywillwhenI’mdone.”Ilikethatkindofpositivity.Agroupofpastorswasattendingaconferenceatourchurch,andattheend

of the first morning session, they headed to the fellowship center for lunch.

Severalminutes later I followed, expecting that theywould already be seated.Much tomy surprise, all one hundred fifty of themwere lined up outside thedoor.ThenIsawwhy.AttheheadofthelinestoodJoel,mythensix-year-old,withbothhandsraised,givingorders.“Itwillbeacouplemoreminutesandthenthey’ll be ready for you!” Joel had no clue what was going on, but he gavedirectionswiththegreatestofconfidenceandthesepastorsdidastheyweretold.Confidenceiscontagiousevenifit’stheconfidenceofasix-year-old.

ThewriterofHebrews recognized thevalueofconfidence: “Therefore,donot throw away your confidence, which has a great reward” (Heb. 10:35).Confidenceisnotsetincement;it’spossibletoloseit.

Ourchoiceofassociateswillhaveatremendousbearingonourconfidencelevel.Mostpeoplefall into twocategories:confidencebuildersandconfidenceshakers. Ifyouareunsureofyourself,aconfidenceshakercandoyou in.Thefollowingstoryprovidesagreatexampleofconfidencebreakdown.

A man lived by the side of the road and sold hot dogs. He was hard ofhearing, so he had no radio. He had trouble with his eyes, so he read nonewspapers.Buthesoldgoodhotdogs.

Thismanputupsignson thehighwayadvertisinghiswonderfulhotdogs.Hestoodonthesideoftheroadandcried,“Buyahotdog,Mister?”Andpeoplebought his hot dogs. He increased his meat and bun orders, and he bought abigger stove to take care of his trade.Hemade enoughmoney to put his sonthroughcollege.

Unfortunately, the soncamehome fromcollegeaneducatedpessimist.Hesaid,“Father,haven’tyoubeenlisteningtotheradio?Haven’tyoubeenreadingthe newspaper?There’s a big recession on.TheEuropean situation is terrible,andthedomesticsituationisworse.”

Whereuponthefatherthought,“Well,myson’sbeentocollege.Hereadsthepaperandhelistenstotheradio;heoughttoknow.”Sothefathercutdownhismeatandbunorders, tookdownhissigns,andnolongerbotheredtostandout

onthehighwaytosellhishotdogs.Ofcourse,hissalesfellovernight.“You’reright,son,”thefathersaidtothe

boy.“Wecertainlyareinthemiddleofabigrecession.”Confidenceshakersseethenegativesideofeverything.Whentheygetyou

tobuy into it, thevery thing thatwashelpingyoubesuccessfulbecomesyourdownfall.

Unfortunately, the negative process can and too often does happen in thelivesofChristians.Weallgothroughperiodsoftesting,wonderingifGodreallycanmeetoureveryneed.Witha littlediscouragementfromagoodconfidenceshaker,webegintodoubthisabilityandourown.Thiscanbeginadownwardspiralthatendsinthepitoffailureandfrustration.Ourconfidencehasnotonlybeenshakenbutuprooted.

ThepositivemessagefromHebrews10:35isthatourconfidencehasagreatreward. If we keep it and build on it, we will be more than recompensed.Confidenceinoneselfisthecornerstonetosuccess.Itisdifficultforthosewhodonotbelieveinthemselvestohavemuchfaithinanyoneelse.Self-confidencebreeds confidence in others,much like a boomerang that you cast out towardothers,onlytofinditcomesrightbacktoyou.

WhyDoYouNeedConfidence?Just why do you need confidence in yourself? First of all, it will give youstability in every area of your life. Confidence equals contentment with self;contentmentisknowingyouhaveallyouneedforthepresentcircumstances.

Philippians 4:11–13 provides the basis for this thought. “Not that I speakfromwant, for Ihave learned tobecontent inwhatever circumstances I am. Iknow how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live inprosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of beingfilledandgoinghungry,bothofhavingabundanceandsufferingneed.Icando

allthingsthroughHimwhostrengthensme.”Theseverses cannot be separatedbecause there is an absolute relationship

between experiencing life’s lows and enjoying its highs. The apostle Paul isresting on the assurance that his strength is inGod alone.He understood thatconfidenceandcontentmentgavehimstabilityineverysituationheencounteredinhistumultuouslife.

Contentment is taking your present situation—whatever obstacles you arefacing, whatever limitation you are living with, whatever chronic conditionwears you down, whatever has smashed your dreams, whatever factors andcircumstancesinlifetendtopushyouunder—andadmittingyoudon’tlikeitbutneversaying,“Ican’tcopewithit.”

Youmayfeeldistress,butyoumayneverfeeldespair.Youmayfeelpresseddown,butyoumayneverfeeldefeated.Paulsaysthereareunlimitedresources,andassoonasyousay,“Ican’tcope,”youarefailingtodrawontheseresourcesthat Christ has readily, by his loving-kindness, made available to you.Contentment, therefore, isbeingconfident thatyoumeasureuptoanytestyoufacebecauseChristhasmadehisstrengthavailablewithinyou.

Ifthefirstthingconfidencedoesistostabilizeyou,thesecondthingitdoesistostretchyou.ThemomentthatIhavemyfoundationstrongandstable,Iamtheninpositiontobeginstretching.Insecurepeopleseldomstretchbecausetheyarenotwillingtoliveontheedgeoflife.

Helen Keller said, “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist innature,nordothechildrenofmenasawholeexperienceit.Avoidingdangerisnosaferinthelongrunthanoutrightexposure.Lifeiseitheradaringadventureornothing.”

Thinkaboutarubberband.It is totallyuselessunlessit isstretched.Wheninsecuritykeepsusfromstretchingandgrowing,weendupwithalifethatisasunexcitinganduselessasalimprubberband.

ConfidenceHelpsYouasaLeaderConfidencehelpsaleadertobelieveinotherpeople.Don’tweseeothersasweseeourselves?Showmealeaderwhobelievesinotherpeople,andIwillshowyoualeaderwhohasalotofconfidenceinhisorherlife.

Aninsecureleader,ontheotherhand,believesneitherinhimselforherselfnor in others. Insecure people are afraid to risk building up others withcompliments,becausetheyareconstantlyinneedofcomplimentsthemselves.

Here’s a classic illustration of how confidence helps to build up otherpeople. In the past I had the opportunity to help pastors develop layministryprograms in their churches. Prior to the time of challenge and recruitment oflaymen, I would meet with the pastor to ask how many he thought wouldrespond to the commitment. After a lengthy reflection he would give me aconservativenumber.

Eachtime,withgreatconfidence,Iwouldassurehimtherewouldbemanymorewhowouldrespond.Iwasalwaysrightandthepastorwasalwaysamazed.Eachpastorgavealowernumberofresponsesbecausehementallyrankedeverypersonaccordingtohowheperceivedeachone’scommitmentlevel.Therefore,heassumedalowresponse.

Themoment youplace a label on someone, youbegin to treat himor heraccordingly.SinceIdidn’tknowthesepeopleandhadnopreconceivedlabels,Iassumed them all to be quality people who would eagerly respond to thechallenge.They could sensemy confidence in themand respondedpositively.Hadthepastorgiventhechallenge,hisestimateprobablywouldhavebeenthecorrectone.

A leader with confidence is a leader who brings out positive changes inpeople. A study conducted at Springfield College inMassachusetts illustratesthis point. The experimentwas designed to determine the effects upon schoolchildren of having to do continuous and monotonous work without any

encouragement.Thechildrenweretoldtodrawadetailedpictureofaman.Whentheyhad

finished,theywereaskedtodrawanotherpictureofaman.Thisone,theyweretold,shouldbebetter than their first.When theyhadfinished, theywereagaingiventhesamecolorlessorder:“Nowdrawanotherman,thistimebetterthanthelast.”

Nomatterhowpoortheirdrawingsmighthavebeen,noonewasscoldedorcriticizedforhisorherperformance.Andnomatterhowwellthechildrenmighthavedone,noneofthemwerepraisedorgivenanyencouragement.Theyweremerelytoldtodrawanotherpicture.

You can probably guess the results. Some of the children got angry anddisplayedtheirresentmentopenly.Onerefusedtodrawanymore;anothersaidhe was “trapped” and called the instructor a “meanie.” Most, however, justlookedangry,saidnothing,andcontinuedtheirjoyless,unrewardingtoil.

Eachof thedrawingsgotworseandworse, insteadofbetterandbetter, asthechildrenhadbeentoldtomakethem.

Peoplemusthaveaffirmationandpraiseinordertomaintainahighlevelofperformance. Withholding negative or critical comments is not nearly asimportant as givingpositive input through compliments andpraise.Again, theonlypeoplewhocandothisarethosewhofeelpositiveaboutthemselves.Workpluspraiseincreasesenergy,butworkwithoutpraisedrainsenergy.

IfyoustudythelifeofPaul,youmaynoteheusestheword“confidence”inthree distinct but related ways. Six times Paul refers to confidence in hisrelationshipwithChrist,sixtimestohisconfidenceinhimself,andsixtimeshementions his confidence in relationships with other people. There must be abalance because all three areas are related. Without confidence in Christ wecould be tempted to become egocentric and cocky. Without confidence inourselveswe are defeated, powerlessChristians.Without confidence in otherswearesuspiciousanduntrusting.

Paullearnedthislesson,anditmadehimasuccessfulmotivatorandservantof theLord JesusChrist.You cannot consistently perform in amanner that isinconsistentwiththewayyouseeyourself.Thepricetagtheworldputsonusisjustabout identical to theoneweputonourselves.Self-confidence is the firstgreatrequisitetogreatundertakings.

HowCanYouBecomeConfident?Establish yourworth according toGod’s value system.God demonstrated ourimportance tohimin twogreatacts.Firsthecreatedus inhisownimage,andsecond he—through JesusChrist—died for our sins.God thought somuch ofyou,believedinyou,andsawyouasapersonofsuchworth,thatheallowedhisson to die so that you could live.Whenwe begin to see ourselves in light ofGod’s actions on our behalf, then we immediately begin to have moreconfidence.Thereisnothingmorehumblingthantherealizationthatifyouweretheonlypersonon this earth, Jesuswouldhavedied foryou.Thatmakesyoupriceless.

Another way we become confident is to focus on God and not on oursituation.TrylivingaccordingtothefirstthreeversesofPsalm27:

TheLordismylightandmysalvation;WhomshallIfear?TheLord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? Whenevildoerscameuponmetodevourmyflesh,myadversariesandmy enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encampagainstme,myheartwillnotfear;thoughwarariseagainstme,inspiteofthisIshallbeconfident.

Wecanmakethreeobservationsfromthesebriefverses.First,confidenceisnot the result of an absence of problems. It is very clear that the psalmist

encounteredmanyproblemsanddifficulties.Hementionshisenemies,evildoerswhowanttodevourhisflesh,adversaries,andahostencampingaroundhim.

ObservationnumbertwoisthatconfidenceisaresultoftrustingGodinourproblems.Inthemidstofhisdifficulties,thepsalmistkeptfocusingonGodandnotonhisdifficultsituation.“TheLordisthedefenseofmylife.”

Third, victories yesterday give more confidence for today. In verse 2 thepsalmistspeaksinthepasttense.“Whenevildoerscameuponmetodevourmyflesh,theystumbledandfell.”He’stalkingaboutyesterday.Inverse3,hetalksabout today: “Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear.”Confidencetodayisaresultofvictoriesyesterday.

Another way to develop confidence that convinces others is to developfriendshipswith confidentpeople.Theoldcliché is true:Birdsof a featherdoflock together.Abigman isonewhomakesus feelbiggerwhenwearewithhim.

Many people are doomed to suffer from the “CharlieBrown complex.” ItseemsthatCharlieBrownjustcan’tdoanythingright.ButnoticethatoneofhisproblemsisthefactthatLucyisalwaysaroundhim.LucydoesnotmakeitanybetterforCharlieBrownbecausesheisalwaysquicktopointouttheerrorofhisways.

OnoneoccasionLucyputsherhandsonherhipsandsays,“You,CharlieBrown,areafoulballinthelinedriveoflife!You’reintheshadowofyourowngoalposts!Youareamiscue!Youarethreeputtsontheeighteenthgreen!Youareaseven-tensplit in the tenth frame!Youareadropped rodand reel in thelakeoflife!Youareamissedfreethrow,ashankednineiron,andacalledthirdstrike!Doyouunderstand?HaveImademyselfclear?”

Do you have a Lucy around you? It’s safe to say that if you surroundyourselfwithpeoplelikeher,youwillhaveadifficulttimedevelopingasenseof confidence.Every time you start out, therewill be someone to remind youwhat you aren’t, haven’t been, and never will become. If we want to be

confident, we must surround ourselves with confident people, people whobelieveinusandwillbeencouragers.

Anotherway to develop confidence is to put a fewwins under your belt.Startwithbuildingonsmallsuccesses,andlittlebylittleyouwilltacklebiggerandbiggerchallenges.

Recently I was listening to an interview of Jerry Coleman, the radioannouncer for the San Diego Padres. He was trying to figure out why thebaseballclubhad justblownoneof its two-or-three-run leads.Hecommented,“You can tell by the way they’re playing they have lost confidence inthemselves.Theyhavealmostsetthemselvesupforsomethingtogowrong.”

A few successful victories under your belt gives you the impetus to keepstretching your abilities. If you keepwinning, youmay see yourself as a no-limits person.Repeated failures produce the opposite effect.You begin to seeyourself as a hopeless loser. The best way to develop rational, well-balancedconfidenceistogoafterafewvictoriesimmediatelyfollowingafailure.Don’tallowyourselftheluxuryofwallowinginself-pity.

My son Joel and I like to playmemorization card games.With the cardsfacingdown, thegoal is to turnoverapair,soit is important toremember thepositionsofcertaincardstoobtainamatch.OneeveningJoelbeatmetwice,14to 6. It never occurred to Joel that his choices could be wrong. Around thefamilyroomherejoiced,declaringvictorytoall.

After two losses to Joel, I challenged his sister Elizabeth to a game.Elizabeth tends tobemuch lessconfident thanJoel.Whenwestartedour firstgame,shesaid,“Daddy,Joelbeatyoubothtimes,didn’the?”

Ireplied,“Yes,hedid.”Shesaid,“Thescorewas14to6,wasn’tit?”AgainI replied,“Yes, itwas.”AndIadded,“Sissy, Ibetyoucanbeatme

about14to6too.”Iarranged it so that I lost the firstgame14 to6.Shewasvisiblyeager to

play another game, which she won without my help. By this time I wasbeginning to develop a complex and lose confidence. So I got my wife,Margaret,toagreetoplaythenextcardgame.Iwhippedherroyallyandretiredawinner.

Myfathertaughtmethevalueofdevelopingaconfidentattitude.Eachnightafter dinner my older brother and I wrestled on the living room floor. OneparticularweekLarrywoneachmatch.Myfathernoticedmysenseofdefeatanddiscouragement and told Larry that he couldn’t wrestle me for one week.Instead, Dad and I wrestled nightly, and after each struggle I beat him. Dadwouldraisemyarmhighabovemyheadanddeclaremethewinner.

ThefollowingweekheallowedLarryandmetogoback towrestling.Mybrothernevercouldpinmeafterthat.DidIsuddenlyacquireextrastrength?No,Ihadacquiredconfidencefromhavingsomewinsundermybelt.

Myhighschoolbasketballcoachcameupwiththeskill-buildingtechniquethathehopedwouldmakeourteammoresuccessful.Heputanextrarimontheinside of the hoop, reasoning that if we could put our foul shots through thesmallerbasket,wewouldreallybegoodwiththeregularrimintherealgame.Iargued with the coach over the idea. I knew the guys would have difficultysinking theball through thesmallerhoop,and themore theymissed, themorediscouragedtheywouldbecome.Iwasright;theybeganroutinelymissingeasyshots,becausetheirconfidencewasshaken.Failurebegetsfailure.

Agreat confidence booster is a personal victory list of past successes andachievements. This is a biblical concept. There are two Bible characters whopracticed this:Samson,whobecame a total failure, andDavid,whobecame agreatsuccess.

In Judges 16:20, we see Samson’s victory list: “She [Delilah] said, ‘ThePhilistinesareuponyou,Samson!’Andheawokefromhissleepandsaid,‘Iwillgoout as at other times and shakemyself free.’But hedidnot know that theLordhaddepartedfromhim.”

Now let’s read aboutDavid’s victory list in 1 Samuel 17:37: “AndDavidsaid,‘TheLordwhodeliveredmefromthepawofthelionandfromthepawofthebear,HewilldelivermefromthehandofthisPhilistine.’AndSaulsaidtoDavid,‘Go,andmaytheLordbewithyou.’”

There are two strong similarities between these twomen.They bothwerechosen,ordained,andanointedbyGod,andtheywerebothleadersofIsraelatatimewhenIsraelwasbattlingagainst thePhilistines.Butthisiswhereitstops;Samson andDavid also had three distinct differences.These differencesmadeoneawinnerandonealoser.

ThefirstthingwenoticeaboutSamsonisthathewantedtopleasehimself.Helivedlifeintheflesh,dependedonhisownstrength,andfeltnoneedtorelyuponGod,evenwhengoingintobattle.Hechosetheroadthatalwaysleadstoultimatedefeat.UnlikeSamson,DaviddesiredtopleaseGod.Heknewthat,lefttohisownresources,hewasalreadydefeated.SohecalledupontheLordandwenttobattlewithdivinehelp.HisweaknessbecameGod’sstrengthandhewasassuredofvictory.

Samson’s alienation from God not only led to his defeat, it ended hisleadership.ForDavid,however,thisepisodewithGoliathwasthebeginningofhis leadership. Itwas the incident that broughthim into apositionwhereGodcouldgreatlyusehim.Victorylistsshouldgiveusconfidence,notcockiness.

Anotherwaytoincreaseyourconfidenceistoquitcomparingyourselfwithothers.Comparisonsalwaysleaveyoufoundwanting.Thefollowinglittlestoryillustratesmypoint.Amilktruckpassestwocowsgrazinginapasture.Ontheside of the truck are the words, “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized,VitaminAadded.”Noticingthis,onecowsaystotheother,“Makesyoukindoffeel inadequate, doesn’t it?” I think we have all known that feeling ofinadequacywhenwecomparewhatwecanofferwithwhatsomeoneelseoffers.

Oneofthesurestwaystobuildconfidenceistofindonethingyou’regoodatandthenspecializeuntilyouarespecial.Itcouldbeasport,atask,anatural

ability,orapersonallydevelopedtalent.Usethatstrengthasmuchasyoucantobuildyourlevelofassuranceandspecialization.Asuccessfulleaderknowsthathe helps his followersmost by helping themdiscover their special giftedness,encouragingthemtodevelopit,andthendisciplingthemtouseit.

Also,begintodevelopaknowledgeofpeopleandproduct.Rememberthatsuccess is just 15 percent product knowledge and it’s 85 percent peopleknowledge.Onceyouhaveknowledgeofyourproductandof thepeoplewithwhom you work, you have an inside edge on meeting their needs. Thatinevitablyraisesyourconfidence.

Hereisahumorousoldstorythatpointsouttheimportanceofknowingwhoyou’redealingwith.ABaptistdeaconhadadvertisedacowforsale.“Howmuchareyouaskingforit?”inquiredaprospectivepurchaser.

“Onehundredandfiftydollars,”saidtheadvertiser.“Andhowmuchmilkdoesshegive?”“Fourgallonsaday,”thedeaconreplied.“But how do I know that she will actually give that amount?” asked the

purchaser.“Oh,youcantrustme,”reassuredtheadvertiser.“I’maBaptistdeacon.”“I’ll buy it,” replied the other. “I’ll take the cow home and bring you the

moneylater.Youcantrustme.I’maPresbyterianelder.”Whenthedeaconarrivedhome,heaskedhiswife,“WhatisaPresbyterian

elder?”“Oh,” she explained, “a Presbyterian elder is about the same as a Baptist

deacon.”“Ohdear,”groanedthedeacon,“Ihavelostmycow.”Thedeaconhadproductknowledge;heknewhiscow.Buthislackofpeople

knowledgedefeatedhim.

WhattoDowithConfidenceWhenYouHaveIt

WhattoDowithConfidenceWhenYouHaveItNow that you have all this confidence, what should you do with it? Keeprefueling it! Confidence is not a constant; it fluctuates according to yoursuccess/failure ratio. We all have defeats and failures that occasionally andtemporarilylowerourlevelofconfidence.Ifyouacceptthefactthatyouwillnotbeoutstandingineverythingyouattempt,youwillnotbedevastatedwhenyourbestisnotgoodenough.

Youwill find thatyourconfidencehasacontagiousquality. Itwill spreadthroughout your sphere of influence. The Bible provides some interestingexamplesof“confidencecontagion.”Forinstance,howmanygiant-killerswereinSaul’sarmy?None.WhenGoliathdefiedthearmiesofGod,theyquakedwithfear(1Sam.17:11).David,whocametobringfoodtohisbrothers,sizedupthesituation, went out in faith, and killed the giant. After David the giant-killerbecame king, howmany giant-killers arose in Israel?Quite a few. TheywerealmostacommoncommodityinthearmyunderDavid’sleadership.

Let’stakealookat1Chronicles20:4–8:

Then Sibbecai the Hushathite killed Sippai, one of thedescendants of the giants, and they were subdued. And therewaswarwiththePhilistinesagain,andElhananthesonofJairkilled Lahmi the brother of Goliath the Gittite, the shaft ofwhosespearwaslikeaweaver’sbeam.AgaintherewaswaratGath,where therewasamanofgreat staturewhohad twenty-four fingersand toes, six fingersoneachhandandsix toesoneachfoot;andhealsowasdescendedfromthegiants.Whenhetaunted Israel, Jonathan, the son of Shimea, David’s brother,killedhim.Theseweredescendedfromthegiants inGath,andtheyfellbythehandofDavidandbythehandofhisservants.

Whydoyousupposetherewerenogiant-killersinSaul’sarmy?Surelyonereason is that Saul himself was not a giant-killer. However, under David’sleadershiptheywerenumerous,becauseDavidwasagiant-killer.Thisillustratesatremendousprincipleofleadership,aprinciplethatrunsthroughouttheBible—ittakesonetomakeone!Whenyoudevelopconfidence,thosearoundyou—friends, family, and associates—will increase in their own confidence levels.Confidencebreedsconfidence.

Everyoneneedstobeaffirmedbothasapersonandasacoworker.It’seasyto give a generic compliment such as “You’re great to work with.” But acommentthatreallymeanssomethingisspecificandmentionsacertainquality:“Iappreciateyourefficiencyinrelationalskills,andthisisveryimportanttothesuccessofthegroup.”Wedon’thelpothersbypassingonemptycomplimentsoravoiding the necessary task of sharing needed constructive criticism.Unfortunately,toooftenwe’restingywithhonestpraise.Buildyourcoworkersupandencouragethembyverbalizingtheirworthandvalueinfrontofothers.Remember,praiseinpublicandcriticizeinprivate.

Confidence can provide the momentum you need to be the person Godmeantyoutobe.Itcannotsubstituteforcharacter,orskill,orknowledge,butitenhances these qualities so that you can be a personwhomakes a difference.Whenyouhaveknowledgeor skill and themomentum thatconfidencebrings,thenthingsbegintohappeninyourrelationships.

ThelargestlocomotiveintheNewYorkCentralsystem,whilestandingstill,can be prevented frommoving by a single one-inch block ofwood placed infront of each of the eight drivewheels! The same locomotive,moving at 100miles per hour, can crash through awall of steel-reinforced concrete five feetthick.Theonlydifferenceismomentum.Confidencegivesyouthemomentumthatmakesthedifference.

You remember thechildhoodstoryabout the trainengine thatdidbecauseshethoughtshecould.Someofthelargerenginesweredefeatedwhentheysaw

thehill.Thencamethelittletrainhustlingdownthetrackrepeatingtoherself,“IthinkIcan, I thinkIcan, I thinkIcan…”andshebegan topassall theotherlocomotiveswhoweresaying,“Itcan’tbedone.”Asshegotclosertothetopherspeedgotslowerandslower,butasshereachedthecrest,shesaid,“IthoughtIcould,IthoughtIcould,IthoughtIcould…”

Thelittleenginemadeit,butnotbecauseshehadmorepowerorskills.Thelittle enginemade it because she thought she could; shehadmore confidence.Manytimeswefeellikelittleinsignificantengines.Butifwehoneourskillsandtalents, thenaddagooddoseof confidence,wecanclimbhills andovercomeobstaclesandbarriers thatcouldhavestoppedusdead inour tracks.Whypulloff the track and stop when we can conquer those mountains with themomentumofconfidenceinourengines?

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Confidenceiscontagious.

•ContentmentisbeingconfidentthatyoumeasureuptoanytestyouarefacingbecauseChristhasmadehisstrengthavailabletoyou.

•Youcannotconsistentlyperforminamannerthatisinconsistentwiththewayyouseeyourself.

•Sixstepstodevelopingconfidence:

1)EstablishyourworthaccordingtoGod’svaluesystem.2)FocusonGodandnotonyoursituation.3)Developfriendshipswithconfidentpeople.4)Putafewwinsunderyourbelt.5) Find one thing you’re good at and then specialize until you are

special.6)Begintodevelopaknowledgeofpeopleandproduct.

•Whenyouhaveknowledgeorskillandthemomentumthatconfidencebrings,thenthingsbegintohappeninyourrelationships.

•Aleaderwithconfidenceisaleaderwhobringsaboutpositivechangeinpeople.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople,DaleCarnegieDroppingYourGuard,CharlesR.Swindoll

CHAPTER4

BECOMINGAPERSONPEOPLEWANTTOFOLLOW

Developingthequalitiesofaneffectiveleader

INEVERYAGETHERECOMESatimewhenleadershipmustcomeforthtomeettheneedsofthehour.Therefore,thereisnopotentialleaderwhodoesnotfindhistime.Tragically,therearetimeswhennoleaderarisesforthathour.

Whyshouldthereeverbeatimewhenthereisalackofleadership?Andifthere are not enough leaders tomeet the demand,what can be done about it?MichaelKorda, theauthorofPower!,wasasked todrawupa listof themostpowerful people inAmerica.His findingswere published in an article called,“TheGradualDeclineandTotalCollapseofNearlyEveryone”(FamilyWeeklyMagazine,Aug.29,1982).Kordasaid,“…thelistofmoversandshakersisnotat all easy to draw up. In fact, there are very few powerful figures left inAmericanlife.

“Not so longago teachers ran theirclasses;generals (or sergeants) ran thearmy; policemen were feared and obeyed; college presidents were respectedfigures, remote and awesome … and so on down the line. America was, ineffect,ruledbyauthorityfigures.”

Unlessonehasbeenasleep through the ’60sand ’70s it is surelyapparentthat all this has changed. Korda says, “It is the result of a long process, theconsequenceofourfearofpowerandauthority.…”Twowholegenerationshaveturnedagainsttheveryideaofpower.

“Power, itwas felt,had led toabuse.Thereforewecoulddowithout it…

notonlycould,butmust.Everythingmustbesubject to thewillof thepeople,expressedinopendebate.”

Lackof trust in leadershiphasa tremendousbearingonall typesofgrouprelationships. It is conceivable that thisdistrustof authority figureshas spreadintomany of our churches. In fact, it couldwell be the cause ofmuch of theupheavalthathasresultedinunprecedentednumbersofpastorsandotherchurchstaff members being asked to leave or being summarily dismissed from theirpositions.

Whenspeakingatconferences,Ialwaysenjoytakingtimetosharewithlaypeople aswell as pastors.One active layperson, speaking of a situation in hischurch remarked tome, “No one seems to be in charge.No one seems to beaccountable.”Perhapsnootherstatementbetter reflects the frustrationofgoodchurchmen.They’re taught toshepherdand love,butveryseldomhowto leadtheflock.

Iteachtheprincipleofthe“leadershipumbrella.”Imagineanopenumbrellaheldbyahand—thehandoftheleaderofthatorganization.Undertheprotectionofthatumbrellaareallthedepartmentsoftheorganization.Thesuccessofeachdepartment can never, will never, rise any higher than the level at which theleaderholdstheumbrella.Leadershipsetsthestandard,whethertheorganizationbeabusiness,achurch,orafamily.Thehigherthestandard,themoreeffectivetheleadership.

Whatiseffectiveleadershipaccordingtoeffectiveleaders?

BritishFieldMarshalBernardMontgomery: “Leadership isthe capacity and will to rally men and women to a commonpurposeandthecharacterwhichinspiresconfidence.”

PresidentHarryTruman: “A leader is apersonwhohas theabilitytogetotherstodowhattheydon’twanttodoandlikeit.”

Anoutstandingleader,FredSmith:“Leadershipisinfluence.”That is simple but profound; a personmay have a position ofleadership,butifheisnotaffectingthethoughtsandactionsofothers,heisnotaleader.

From the Bible we learn that true leadership comes fromservingothers.AndinMatthew15:14weread,“Ifablindmanguidesablindman,bothwillfallintoapit.”

Myfavorite leadershipproverb is this:“Hewho thinkethheleadethandhathnoonefollowinghimisonlytakingawalk.”

Justwherehavealltheleadersgone?Theyseemtohavevanished.Isgreatleadership a commodity of the past? No, I believe that America will againproducegreatleaders.Generallyspeaking,theemergenceofleadersconformstothelawofsupplyanddemand.Difficulttimesproducemenandwomenwhowillrisetomeetthecrisis.

Thecomplexityofourtimeshinderstheriseofleadership.Perhapswehavebecome too analytical to take decisive action.Wemay be spending toomuchtimestudyingourproblemsandnotenoughtimesolvingthem.Agoodcase-in-pointisPresidentJimmyCarter.WhenDavidHartmaninterviewedTipO’Neill,retired Speaker of the House of Representatives,Mr. Hartman asked who, inO’Neill’s opinion, was the most intelligent president. “Unquestionably,” heanswered,“itwasJimmyCarter.”O’NeillsaidCarterreadandstudiedreamsofpaper on technological issues thatwere facing our country; he had a superiorunderstanding of the complexities of technology. But although he was anintelligent president, hewas not a strong leader.Unfortunately, the perplexingandintricateissuesfacingAmericatodaydonotproduceleaders.Wearebeingpulledinsomanydifferentdirectionsthatit’salmostimpossibletounitebehind

aleader.Anotherreasontherearefewwell-knownleadersisbecauseofthenegative

reaction to authority figures following the Vietnam War years. The peacemovement and the flower children sprang up because of their disdain forwarand violence. A bumper sticker reflects the attitude of the times: “ChallengeAuthority.” There is no longer an unquestioning loyalty to those in power.Incidents like Watergate have added fuel to the fire of mistrust. America islearningtosuspectanyonewithauthority.Myprayeristhatinthenearfuturewewillbegintoreapmoredirective,visionary,strongleadershiptypesthroughoutourcountryandinourchurches.

Althoughyouor Imaynever attain theheightofbeinga renownedworldleader,we eachhave an arenaof influence.Weare leaderswithinourhomes,businesses,offices,congregations,andministries.Assuch,weshouldstrive tobe themosteffective leaderswecanbe. Ibelieve thereare fivenonnegotiablecharacteristicsthateveryeffectiveleadermusthave:asenseofcalling,anabilitytocommunicate,creativityinproblemsolving,generosity,andconsistency.

AnEffectiveLeaderMustFeelaSenseofCallingTrue leaders feel an inner urging to take their positions; they feel a sense ofresponsibility.Ibelievethatthemomentafatherandmotherseetheirnewbornchildtheyexperienceastrongcallingtobegodlyexamplestothatpreciousnewlife.Forthechurchleaderorpastor,thereisaspecificcallingfromGod;adeep,innatefeelingordesirethatcauseshimtodowhatheiscalledtoperform.Forthebusinessleader, thereisanurgingtorisetothechallenge,totakethehelmandmoveforward.

InIsaiah6:1–9wefindavividexampleofamanspecificallycalledbyGod.Inverses1–5,IsaiahexperiencesadiscoveryofGodandadiscoveryofhimself.HebecomesoverwhelmedbythegrandnessandgloryofGodhimselfwithinthe

holy temple,contrastedbyhisownunworthinessanduncleanness.Peoplewhoarecalleddiscoversomethingbiggerthanthemselves:amission,achallenge,agoal,oramovementthatdrawsthemintoanarena.

Whenapersonfeelssetaparttolead,heshouldalsosenseastrongfeelingofvictory.InIsaiah6:6–7weread,“Thenoneoftheseraphimflewtomewithaburningcoalinhishand,whichhehadtakenfromthealtarwithtongs.Andhetouchedmymouthwith it, and said, ‘Behold, this has touched your lips; andyouriniquityistakenawayandyoursinisforgiven.’”Theleaderexperiencesanassurancethathewillbeadequateforthework.Thisforetasteofvictoryenablesthemtocontinueonintheirmissionandovercomeobstaclesintheway.

A leaderwill always find his or her time. Therewill come timeswhen aleader’sparticulargiftsandtalentsarenecessarytomeetacrisis.Leaderstrytouse and exercise their gifts for the glory ofGod. They alsowill feel a strongdesire, an urging, to be used by God. In verse 8, Isaiah is offered theopportunity:“WhomshallIsend,andwhowillgoforUs?”Andtheninverse9heexercisesthedesiretobeused:“HereamI.Sendme!”

This desire within the leader’s heart is what I call the “have to” feeling.Personally, I feel a sense of “having to” declare something, point in somedirection,leadothersonamission.Idonotfeelasenseofchoiceinthematter.Infact,therearetimeswhenIwouldprefertositbackandletsomeoneelsetakeonmychallenge.Butwhen I seeor feelGoddoing something, that “have to”feeling compelsme to keep going. The followers of a true leader confirm hiscalling.Hedoesn’thavetodeclarehiscalling,othersdoitforhim.

WhataboutthepersonwhoisnotinChristianministry?IbelieveGodplaceseachofusinareaswherewecanuseourgiftsandinfluenceothersforhissake.Amanmightbecalledtobeginabusiness,forinstance.Heknowsheisputtinghismoney,hiscredit,evenhiscredibilityrighton the line.There issomethingwithinhimthatdriveshimandcompelshim.

Perhaps you arewondering if a person can be a great leaderwithout this

senseofcalling.Ibelieveapersoncanbeagoodleaderbutnotagreatone.ItsoundsrathermysticalbutIbelieveGodplaceshishandonthosewhomhecallstobegreatleaders.Everyoneinleadership,however,cancultivateandenhancetheirleadershipskills.

Howdoyousensethataleaderiscalled?Oneclueisthatcalledleadershavea lasting quality; they don’t quit and couldn’t if they wanted to. Also, theanointedpeoplehavetherightanswers;theGodwhocalledthemequipsthem.Therearemanyvoicesinthecrowd,butthecalledleaderstandsoutamongalltheothers.Heor she risesabove thenormal, the typical, theusual.Thecalledleader tends to reproduce other called leaders; there is fruit in their ministry.Calledleadersarerelevantandspeaktothetimesandissues.

AnEffectiveLeaderMustBeAbletoCommunicateGreatleadershavetheabilitytovisuallycommunicatetheirmessagetopeople.SometimeagoIwatchedRonaldandNancyReaganonGoodMorningAmerica.Nancywasclose to theedgeof the stageandshe felloff. Immediatelypeoplerushedtohelpherwhilethepresidentwatched.Knowingthatshewasallright,helookedatherandsaid,“Nancy,ItoldyounottofallofftheplatformunlessIwasn’tgettinganyapplause.”PresidentReaganwasabletouseanembarrassingincidentasatooltocommunicate.Hecommunicatedtotheaudiencethathewasincontrol, thathehadaquickwit,andthathe trustedhisrelationshipwithhiswifeenoughtojokeabouthermishap.

Goodcommunicatorsareabletoconveyastrongbeliefintheirpeople;thereis a very high trust factor. Again, I think Ronald Reagan demonstrated thisqualityaswellasanyoneinrecentmemory.ConsiderthefollowingexcerptfromFortunemagazine,September15,1986:

Picking competent peoplewho are on hiswavelength has also

enabled Reagan to delegate more effectively than mostpresidents. Former Transportation Secretary Drew Lewisrecountsanincidentduringthe1981airtrafficcontroller’sstrikethatset thetoneforlabor-managementrelationsthroughouttheReaganera.LewisworriedthatReagan’sfriends,whoseprivateplanes were grounded, might urge him to back down on hisdecisiontofirethecontrollers,whichLewishadrecommended.So the transportation chief called Reagan to test his resolve.Recalls Lewis: “The President said: ‘Drew, don’tworry aboutme.WhenIsupportsomeone—andyou’rerightonthisstrike—I’ll continue to support him, and you never have to ask thatquestionagain.’Fromthatdayon,itwascleartome—whetherin increasing the federal gasoline tax in 1983 or in sellingConrail—that once he said, ‘Fine,’ I never had to get back tohim.Ihadtheauthority.”

SomelongtimeReaganassociatesspeculatethathiscapacityto delegate stems from his Hollywood experience. Says JohnSears, his former campaign manager: “A lot of people inpolitical andcorporate life feel thatdelegating is an admissionthat there’ssomethingtheycan’tdo.Butactorsaresurroundedby people with real authority—directors, producers,scriptwriters, cameramen, lighting engineers, and so on. Yettheirauthoritydoesn’tdetract fromtheactor’s role.Thestar isthestar.Andiftheshow’sahit,hegetsthecredit.

Every asset that you’re entrusted with—whether it’s money, procedures,materials, technology—allof it isdepreciating.Allof it isbecomingobsolete.Human assets also can depreciate in value. It’s literally true that in someorganizations, the people are worth less—and in some cases are worthless—

comparedwithayearago.Buthumanassetscanalsoappreciateinvalue.Peoplecanbecomeworthmore.Thosewhoarepowerfulinleadershipunderstandthatoneofthekeytasksofmanagementistofindwaystogrowpeople.

On Thomas Edison’s eightieth birthday, he was approached by aninterviewer who asked himwhich of all his inventions was the greatest. AndEdison,withoutamoment’shesitation,replied,“Theresearchlaboratory.”

IdoubthisanswerwasfullyunderstoodbyEdison’sowngeneration.Peoplewerestarry-eyedoverhismiracleproductions—thelightbulb,therecordplayer,theimprovementsthatmaderadio,thetelephone,andelectronicmotorspossible.He was known by his generation as the Wizard of Menlo Park. He sotransformedpeople’sdullanddrudgery-orientedlivesintolivesthatwerefullofentertainmentandlight,possibilitiesandalternatives,thathewasrespectedlikenoothermaninAmericanindustry.

But Edison understood the secret of his great success:You can’t do it allyourself.Ifyoureallywanttobeanuncommonleader,you’regoingtohavetofind a way to get much of your vision seen, implemented, and added to byothers.Theleaderseesthebigpicture,buthealsoseesthenecessityofsharingthatpicturewithotherswhocanhelphimmakeitareality.

RonaldReagandidthisexceptionallywell.Heestablishedthedirectionfortheorganizationbutleftthehands-onmanagementtohischiefofstaff.ReaganlookedtohiscabinetandWhiteHousestafftoputthefleshonmajorinitiativesandtoserveupnewideas,whilehefocusedonbigissuessuchastaxreformoron opinion-shaping events like the summit with Soviet leader MikhailGorbachev.SaysHarvardpresidentialscholarRogerPorter,whospentfiveyearsin the Reagan White House: “He does not devote large chunks of time toperipheralissues.Thatisoneofthekeystohissuccess.”

Morethanotherrecentpresidentsandmanycorporateleaders,Reaganalsosucceededintranslatinghisvisionintoasimpleagendawithclearprioritiesthatlegislators, bureaucrats, and constituents can readily understand. Lyndon

Johnsonhadhisvisionofa“GreatSociety,”buthislegislativeagendawastoocluttered. Jimmy Carter’s objectives were obscured by frequent flip-flops. Incontrast, Reagan’s agenda of tax cuts, deregulation, a defense buildup, and aslowdown in domestic spending was set early and pursued consistently.Independent pollster Gerald Goldhaber says that nearly 70 percent of theAmericanpeoplecannameatleastoneofReagan’sfourpriorities.Bycontrast,such ratings for the Johnson, Nixon, Ford, and Carter administrations rangedfrom15percentto45percent.

Reagan had the ability to put the vision before the nation. How do youtransferavision?First,youmustseeityourselfveryclearly;youcan’ttransfersomethingthatyoucan’tsee.Thenyoumustbeabletosayitcreativelysothatpeopleunderstandandcangrabholdofit.Finally,youmustbeabletoshowitconstantly. Itmustbecontinuallyplacedbefore the followersasa reminderofthegoal.

Good leaders also have self-confidence and, therefore, the confidence ofothers.Theauthorofthislittlepoemunderstoodthevalueofself-confidenceinleadership:

Hewhoknowsnot,andknowsnotthatheknowsnot,isafool;shunhim.Hewhoknowsnot,andknowsthatheknowsnot,isachild;teachhim.Hewhoknows,andknowsnotthatheknows,isasleep;wakehim.Hewhoknows,andknowsthatheknows,iswise;followhim.

Confidence in oneself is the cornerstone. People who do not believe inthemselves have trouble believing in others. Others have trouble believing inthem too. Self-confidence in a leader elicits the confidence of his followers,whichgiveshimthefreedomtobearisktakerandachangeagent.

AnEffectiveLeaderIsCreativeinHandlingProblems

AnEffectiveLeaderIsCreativeinHandlingProblemsEveryonefacesproblems.Theabilitytocreativelyfindsolutionswilldeterminethesuccessorfailureofeachdifficulty.

TheChinesesymbolforcrisismeansdanger.Italsomeansopportunity.Thekeyistouseacrisisasanopportunityforchange.You’llneversucceedifyouthrowupyourhandsandsurrender.TheGreekpoetHomerunderstoodthevalueof a crisis. He wrote, “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which inprosperouscircumstanceswouldhavelaindormant.”

Rememberthestoryofthechickenfarmerwhoselandwasfloodedvirtuallyevery spring? Even though the floods caused him horrendous problems, herefused tomove.When thewaterswould back up onto his land and flood hischicken coops, he would race to move his chickens to higher ground. Someyears,hundredsofthemdrownedbecausehecouldn’tmovethemoutintime.

Oneyearaftersufferingheavylossesfromaparticularlybadflood,hecameintothefarmhouseandinavoicefilledwithdespair,toldhiswife,“I’vehadit,Ican’taffordtobuyanotherplace.Ican’tsellthisone.Idon’tknowwhattodo!”

Hiswifecalmlyreplied,“Buyducks.”Creativity is a trait not always admired by thosewho don’t have it. They

interpretcreativityandinventivenessasstupidityandimpracticality.Iftheyseethe creative person as salvageable, they will try to pull him back into themainstream of thought. He will be told to stay busy, follow the rules, bepractical,andnotmakeafoolofhimself.Traditionalthinkersdon’trealizethatcreative thinkers are thegeniusesof theworld.Had it notbeen for someone’sinventiveness,theymightnothavejobs!

WaltDisney’sbrothertellsanamusingstoryaboutWalt’sbuddinggeniusasafifthgrader.Theteacherassignedthestudentstocoloraflowergarden.Asshewalked among the rows examining the student’s work she stopped by youngWalt’s desk.Noting that his drawingwasquite unusual, she remarked, “Walt,that’snotright.Flowersdon’thavefacesonthem.”

Confidentlyhe replied, “Minedo!”andcontinuedhiswork.And they stilldo;flowersatDisneylandandDisneyWorldallhavefaces.

AnEffectiveLeaderIsaGenerousContributorThemeasure of a leader is not the number of people who serve him but thenumberofpeopleheserves.Realleadershavesomethingtogive,andtheygiveitfreely.AnthonyDeMellosawastarvingchildshiveringinthecold.Angrilyheliftedhiseyes toheavenandsaid,“God,howcouldyouallowsuchsuffering?Whydon’tyoudosomething?”

TherewasalongsilenceandthenDeMellowasstartledwhenheheardthevoiceofGodanswerhim,“Icertainlyhavedonesomething—Imadeyou.”

ConsiderthecommentsofWilliamArthurWardofTexasWesleyanCollegeinFortWorth,Texas:

Ifyouarewise,youwillforgetyourselfintogreatness.Forgetyourrights,butrememberyourresponsibilities.Forgetyourinconveniences,butrememberyourblessings.Forgetyourownaccomplishments,butrememberyourdebtstoothers.Forgetyourprivileges,butrememberyourobligations.Follow the examples of Florence Nightingale, of Albert Schweitzer, of

AbrahamLincoln,ofTomDooley,andforgetyourselfintogreatness.Ifyouarewise,youwillemptyyourselfintoadventure.RememberthewordsofGeneralDouglasMacArthur:“Thereisnosecurity

onthisearth.Thereisonlyopportunity.”Empty your days of the search for security; fill themwith a passion for

service.Empty your hours of the ambition for recognition; fill them with the

aspirationforachievement.

Empty your moments of the need for entertainment; fill them with thequestforcreativity.

Ifyouarewise,youwillloseyourselfintoimmortality.Loseyourcynicism.Loseyourdoubts.Loseyourfears.Loseyouranxiety.Loseyourunbelief.

Remember these truths: A person must soon forget himself to be longremembered.Hemustemptyhimselfinotherstodiscoverafullerself.Hemustlosehimselftofindhimself.Forgetyourselfintogreatness.Emptyyourselfintoadventure.Loseyourselfintoimmortality.

ItsoundslikeJesus,doesn’tit?Greatleadersaregreatgivers.

AnEffectiveLeaderActsConsistentlyIputthislastbecausetherearetoomanypeoplewhoareconsistentbutarenotleaders,yetnoonehaseverbeenaneffectiveleaderoverthelonghaulwithoutbeingconsistent.Themomentpeoplelearnwearenotdependableorresponsibleisthemomenttheywillnotrecognizeourleadership.

I recently saw a cartoon that illustrates this important principle. A youngmanistellingthepreacher,“Beingaministermustbereallyhard.Imean,livingforothers,leadinganexemplarylife.That’salotofresponsibility.Thepressuresmustbetremendous!Havingtosetagoodexample…peoplewatching,waitingfor one falsemove, one sign of human frailty they can jump on!Oh, I don’tknowhowyouhandleit!”

Finallythepreachersheepishlysays,“Istayhomealot.”The word being is derived from a root meaning “to engrave.” When we

speak about someone’s “being,” we are referring to all those qualities andcharacteristicswhich identify that particular individual. “Being”may correctlybecalled“thesignatureofoursoul.”Itiswhatweare.Byouractions,though,itcanbeenhancedordiminished.

“Thefirstkeytogreatness,”Socratesremindsus,“istobeinrealitywhatweappear to be.” Jesus expressed the same idea in the Sermon on the Mount.“Bewareofthefalseprophets,whocometoyouinsheep’sclothingbutinwardlyareravenouswolves”(Matt.7:15).

A leader must be consistent in three areas: people—this builds security;principles—thisprovidesdirection;andprojects—thisbuildsmorale.Leadersletpeople knowwhere they’re coming from. A recent study showed that peoplewouldratherfollowaleadertheydisagreewiththanonetheyagreewithifthelatterisconstantlychangingpositions.

Thecalltobealeaderisachallengingone.Theneedforstrongleadershiphas never been clearer. The price of leadership has never been higher. Thetemptationsof leadershiphaveneverbeengreater.Thehour for leadershiphasneverbeencloser.Takethechallenge!Remember,“ineveryagetherecomesatimewhenleadershipmustcomeforthtomeettheneedsofthehour.Therefore,thereisnopotentialleaderwhodoesnotfindhistime.Tragicallytherearetimeswhennoleaderarisesforthathour.”

Youcanbetheleaderforyourhour.

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Leadershipisinfluence.

•Hewhothinkethheleadethandhathnoonefollowinghimisonlytakingawalk.

•Thefollowersofatrueleaderconfirmhiscalling.Hedoesn’thavetodeclarehiscalling,othersdoitforhim.

•Thosewhoarepowerfulinleadershipunderstandthatoneofthekeytasksofmanagementistofindwaystogrowpeople.

•Self-confidenceinaleaderelicitstheconfidenceofhisfollowers,whichgiveshimthefreedomtobearisktakerandachangeagent.

•Aleadermustbeconsistentinthreeareas:

People—Thisbuildssecurity.Principles—Thisprovidesdirection.Projects—Thisbuildsmorale.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyLearningtoLead,FredSmithLeadership,Greatness,andServanthood,PhilipGreenslade

CHAPTER6

HOWTOBEAPERSONPEOPLERESPECTUnderstandingthevalueofyourcharacter

THE HEADLINE ON THE FRONT cover of Time’s May 25, 1987, issuecontains simply two words: “What’s Wrong?” I want to share a coupleparagraphsfromthatissue’sleadarticle,becauseitgivesusashockingglimpseofthemoralfiberofAmericainthattime.

Hypocrisy, betrayal and greed unsettle the nation’s soul.Onceagain it is morning in America. But this morningWall Streetfinanciers are nervously scanning the papers to see if theirnames have been linked to the insider-trading scandals.Presidential candidates are peeking through drawn curtains tomakesurethatreportersarenotstakingouttheirprivatelives.Acongressional witness, deeply involved in the ReaganAdministration’s secret foreign policy, is huddling with hislawyers before facing inquisitors. AWashington lobbyist whooncebreakfastedregularlyintheWhiteHousemessisbroodingoverhis investigationby an independent counsel. InQuantico,Virginia,theMarinesarepreparingtocourt-martialoneoftheirown. In Palm Springs, California, a husband-and-wifetelevangelist team, once the adored cynosures of 500,000faithful,arebeginninganotherdayofseclusion.

Sucharethescenesofmorninginthescandal-scarredspring

of1987.Lamentationisintheair,andclayfeetlittertheground… Oliver North, Robert McFarlane, Michael Deaver, IvanBoesky,GaryHart,ClaytonLonetree,JimandTammyBakker.… Their transgressions—some grievous and some petty—runthe gamut of human failings, fromweakness of will to morallaxity to hypocrisy to uncontrolled avarice. But takencollectively, the heedless lack of restraint in their behaviorreveals something disturbing about the national character.America,which took such back-thumping pride in its spiritualrenewal,findsitselfwallowinginamoralmorass.Ethics,oftendismissedasaprissySundayschoolword,isnowatthecenterof a new national debate. Put bluntly, has the mindlessmaterialismofthe’80sleftinitswakeavaluesvacuum?

Whatisamazingaboutthisarticleisthatitappearedinasecularmagazine,notaChristianperiodical.TheworldiscallingattentiontowhatIconsider thebiggestproblem inour community today: the lackofmorality andethics.TheChristian community faces an incredible credibility problemamong leaders. Ifwedon’tgetholdofthissituationandturnitaround,itwillcausemoredamagetothechurchthananyotherissues.

Oneofthetwoorthreelife-changingbooksthatIhavereadinthelast tenyearsisTheManWhoCouldDoNoWrongbyDr.CharlesBlair,agoodfriend,a wonderful Christian man, and a pastor of Calvary Temple in Denver,Colorado. Iattendedaconference inwhichDr.Blairshared thestory thatwaslaterrevealedinhisbook.

Hewasahighlytrustedpastor,amanwithtremendousvision,whowantedtodosomethinggreatforGod.Unfortunately,andunknowingly,hehiredfund-raisers who did not share his ethics. As a result, he eventually found himselfindictedandconvictedoffraud.

Dr.Blair took total responsibility for the problembecausehewas the onewho hired these men and trusted their methods. What makes this book sogripping is that this man, an outstanding Christian leader, straightforwardlyadmitted his wrong. The cover is gripping in itself as it reads, “Alarm bellsshouldhaverungwhentheycalledmethemanwhocoulddonowrong.”

Dr.Blairtalksaboutthefactthathewaslovedbyhispeople,respectedbythecommunity,andhaddevelopedasenseofinvulnerability.Everythinghedidand said just turned out right; he had the “Midas Touch.” After hearing himspeakandthenreadinghisbook,Iwasmovedtounderstandtheimportanceofcredibility. I had an opportunity to ask him about this situation, and he said,“John, I literally set myself up for a fall by bringing people around me andtrustingthemimplicitlywithoutcheckingonthem.”

Alarmbellsshouldhaverung,butDr.Blairhadfeltnoneedtobeonalert.Notoneofusisinapositionwherewecandonowrong.Weshouldalwaysbealerttoalarmbellsringingtowarnusthatwemaybeontheedgeofapotentialdisastrousproblem.

LeadersandCredibilityAs surely as every leader has his strengths, he also has hisweaknesses.On avisittoCanterburyCathedral,Ihadtolaughatalineofgraffitiscrawledononeof thewalls:“TheArchbishopcheatsatScrabble.”Even theArchbishophasacrack in his armor!But don’twe all?The important thing is thatwediscoverwhereourcracksaresowecandealwiththem.

Leaders are on the frontline of spiritual battle and are very susceptible toSatan’sattacks.Often theyareamonghis firstvictims.Leadersareexposed topressures and temptations beyond the usual run of testing. Pitfalls face theunwary,andtrapsaboundevenfortheexperienced.Satanknowsthatifhecangettheleadertofall,manyfollowerswillgoscramblingafter.

Leadersaretoliveahigherstandardthanfollowers.Itisabiblicalprinciplethatmust be honored consistently. Leaderswill be judged differently becausetheirgiftsandresponsibilitiesaredifferent.

Note the following triangle. It shows that followers havemany options inhowtheylive,howtheyspendtheirtime,andchoicestheymake.However,thefarther up you go on that triangle, themore leadership you assume, the feweroptionsyouhave.At the topyoubasicallyhavenooptionsbecauseyou are aservant-leader.Theoptionsdecreaseastheresponsibilityincreases.

Mostpeopledonotunderstandthisprecept.Manyleadersliveontheprinciplethatthemoreinfluencetheyhave,themoreoptionsandchoicestheyhave.Theybegin to liveas thoughtheyareabovethe law.James3:1highlights this truth:“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because youknowthatwewhoteachwillbejudgedmorestrictly”(NIV).AndJesusinLuke

12:48alsostatesthesameprinciple:“Fromeveryonewhohasbeengivenmuch,muchwillberequired;andtowhomtheyentrustedmuch,ofhimtheywillaskallthemore.”

As leaders, we must remember that God has given us much, but he alsorequiresmuchinreturn.Wearenotjudgedbythesamestandardsastheworld.Wemaysinastheworlddoes,andwecancertainlybeforgivenastheworldis,but it’s not that easy to return toourpositionof leadershiponcewehave lostcredibilitywithothers.

Some fallen Christian leaders do not seem to understand or want tounderstand God’s Word as it applies to forgiveness and restoration. Theirattitudeisthat,sincetheyhaveaskedGod’sforgiveness,theyhaveeveryrighttoreturntotheirpositionandprivilege.However,everythingisnotasitwas.

When we fall, we must go through a period of proving ourselves andregaining that precious ground of credibility. Leadership is not a position thatoneisgivenbutapositionthatoneearnsbyprovingfaithful.

Possibilities for failure abound, butmistakes can be avoided if the leaderwilllistenforthe“alarmbells”inhisorherlife.Iamconvincedthatwedonothave to step into the pitfalls. If we’re looking for them, we can avoid them.Hereinliesthekeytosuccess:Listenfor“alarmbells.”Thefollowingquestionsmaytriggeralarmbellsinyourownlife.Considerthemcarefully.

IsMyPersonalWalkwithGodUptoDate?That question should prompt a quick and positive answer. If not, you are

getting tooclose to theedge, tooclose to trouble.MyfriendBillKlassenasksmeeachtimewemeet,“DoyouhaveawordfromtheLordthatisuptodate?”or“WhathaveyoubeenlearningrecentlyfromtheLord?”Billisn’taskingmeforahistorylesson;hewantstoknowwhatGodisteachingmetoday.

Youwillfindthatleaderswhoareeffectiveareleaderswhoaredisciplinedin their daily lives.A disciplined dailywalk is the best protection to keep usfromfallingintosin.

Why is this soessential toyourpersonalcredibility?Because theWordof

Godconvictsourhearts.Psalm119:11says,“YourwordhaveItreasuredinmyheart,thatImaynotsinagainstYou.”ItalsohelpsusthinklikeGod.Thethingsthatwethinkonarethethingsthatwebecome.IfwearenotspendingtimewithGod, we’re spending that time with whatever it is that has become moreimportanttous.WhenthishappenswequicklybecomeinsensitivetohisSpiritandtherefore,wenolongerhavethestrengthtoresisttemptationanddospiritualbattle. It boils down to a simple fact: Sinwill keep us from theWord or theWordwillkeepusfromsin.

Apersonofintegrityisonewhohasestablishedasystemofvaluesagainstwhichalllifeisjudged.Thatsystemofvaluesisdeterminedbyaperson’swalkwithGod.IonceheardBillyGrahamtell thisstoryaboutafamilyfromSouthCarolinawhowenttoNewYorkCityforavacation.TheytoldalltheirfriendstheywouldattendtheBroadwayplayMyFairLady.Unfortunately itwassoldoutandtheycouldn’tobtaintickets.Theyweredisappointedandembarrassedtohavetogobackhomeandtelltheirfriendstheymissedthehighlightoftheirtrip,so they decided to do the next best thing. They picked up discarded tickets,purchased a program, and bought the musical tapes. In the motel room theylearned all the songs and reviewed the program. Back home they sang andwhistled the tunes to all ofMyFairLady’s hits hopingnoonewould suspecttheyneversawit.

When we, as Christians and leaders, begin to put on a facade, we’re introuble.Whenweattemptto“talkthetalk”without“walkingthewalk,”wearedestined for failure.We can avoid this pitfall by keeping our walk with Godcloseandconsistent.

AmIKeepingMyPrioritiesStraight?Priorities have a tendency to sneak out of position when we’ve not payingattention.CountlessnumbersofChristianleadershavebecome“successful”only

to discover the tragic price for their successwas a brokenmarriage or loss ofhealth.Atsomepointalongtheroadtosuccess,theirprioritiesshifted.

ThefirstpriorityofanyChristianshouldbehisorherrelationshipwithGod.That means growing closer to him, worshipping and loving him, and beingobedient to him. The careful maintenance of this relationship is the surestsafeguardagainstfailure.OneofmyfavoritepassagesisJohn21:15whereJesusasks of Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?” Thequestion theChiefShepherdmostwantshisunder-shepherds to answer isnot,“HowmuchdoyouknowaboutMe?”oreven,“HowmuchareyoutellingtheworldaboutMe?”Itis,“HowmuchdoyouloveMe?”

Our second priority should be our family responsibilities and our thirdconcern should be our ministry or career commitments. Paul tells us in 1Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially forthoseofhishousehold,hehasdeniedthefaith,andisworsethananunbeliever.”

Scriptureprovides twoillustrationsof leaderswhodidgreatdamageto thecauseof thekingdombecause theydidn’tkeep their families inorder.Bothofthemwerejudges—EliandSamuel.IhavealwaysfeltthatsinceEliandSamuelhad amentor-student relationship, Eli’s chiefweakness also becameSamuel’schiefweakness.Thatisdiscipleshipinanegativesense.

Let’stakealookat1Samuel3:11–13.“TheLordsaidtoSamuel,‘Behold,IamabouttodoathinginIsraelatwhichbothearsofeveryonewhohearsitwilltingle.InthatdayIwillcarryoutagainstEliallthatIhavespokenconcerninghishouse,frombeginningtoend.ForIhavetoldhimthatIamabouttojudgehis house forever for the iniquitywhich he knew, because his sons brought acurseonthemselvesandhedidnotrebukethem.’”

NowSamuelwasaverysuccessfuljudge.In1Samuel3:19–20itissaidofhim,“TheLordwaswithSamuelashegrewup,andheletnoneofhiswordsfalltotheground.AndallIsraelfromDantoBeershebarecognizedthatSamuelwas

attestedasaprophetoftheLord”(NIV).

Yet,SamuelwatchedthenationthathelovedandledturnfromthepurposesofGod.AsGod’schosenpeople,theIsraeliteswerenevermeanttohaveaking;Godwastobetheirking.ButbecauseSamuelfailedtorearhissonsinthefearof theLord, Israel rejected the rule ofGod over them. In 1Samuel 8:1–5weread,

AnditcameaboutwhenSamuelwasold thatheappointedhissonsjudgesoverIsrael.NowthenameofhisfirstbornwasJoel,and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judging inBeersheba.

His sons, however, did not walk in his ways, but turnedasideafterdishonestgainandtookbribesandpervertedjustice.Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came toSamuel at Ramah; and they said to him, “Behold, you havegrown old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Nowappointakingforustojudgeuslikeallthenations.”

Such sober warnings in the Word of God should impress upon us theimportanceofkeepingourprioritiesstraight:Godfirst,familysecond,ministryorcareerthird.Onlywhenaleader’srelationshiptoGodisright,andonlywhenresponsibilities as a familymember are being properlymet, can the leader befullyfaithfulinexercisingtheministryGodhasgivenhimorher.

AmIAskingMyselftheDifficultQuestions?Whatarethecriticalquestions?Thefirstoneis,WhyamIdoingthis?WhyamIspending time on this project orwith these people?What aremymotives? Ifyou’redoing the right job for thewrong reasons, don’t countonGod tobless

yourproject.The second question is, How should it be done? This deals with

presumption.The danger of presumption is ever-present, especially for peoplecalled to an adventurous ministry of faith.Moses strikes the rock to producewaterononeoccasionandthenpresumesquitewronglythatthisistobeGod’smethodonalateroccasion.

Thethirdcriticalquestionis,WhenshouldIdoit?Thisquestiondealswithtiming.WhendoesGodwanthistaskaccomplished?Again,aggressiveleadershaveatendencytorunaheadasAbrahamdidwhenhetriedtospeedupGod’spromise to Ishmael. We have a tendency to want short-term success at theexpenseofGod’slong-termwill.

AmIAccountabletoSomeoneinAuthorityoverMyLife?In1Thessalonians5:12–13weread,“Butwerequestofyou,brethren,thatyouappreciate thosewhodiligently laboramongyou,andhavechargeoveryou intheLordandgiveyouinstruction,andthatyouesteemthemveryhighlyinlovebecauseoftheirwork.Liveinpeacewithoneanother.”

Youareatpeaceamongyourselveswhenyouareaccountabletosomeoneinauthority.ThisisonereasonwhyIbelieveinthelocalchurch.EveryChristianshould be a member of a local congregation and should submit to those inauthority.It isveryuniversalandveryunhealthyforChristianorganizations tohavemembersontheboardwhoarenottiedintoalocalchurch.Iwouldbeveryfrightened to follow someone who was not responsible to anyone. Only Godhimselfcanhandlethatkindofpowerandauthority.

MyfriendRonJensonprovidedmewithagreatidea:Stophereforaminuteandwritedownthenameofthepersontowhomyouareaccountable.

Nowwrite out “five questions I hopenoone ever asksme”on a sheet of

paper.Listfourquestionsthatwilladdressyourweaknesses,andthenenlistthehelp of a Christian brother or sister who will keep you accountable in theseareas.Thefifthquestionyoushouldseektoansweristhis:HaveIliedaboutanyofthepreviousfourquestionsorhaveIintentionallyleftoutanything?

IbelievethatmuchoftheproblemofcredibilityintheChristiancommunityiscausedbypeoplewithpowerwhostrugglewiththesametoughmoralissuesastherestoftheworld,yetareoftennotaccountabletoanyone.Authorityminusaccountabilityequalsaverydangeroussituation.

AmISensitivetoWhatGodIsSayingtotheBodyofChrist?AreyousensitivetothefactthatGodspeakstootherstoo?Ifyoucan’tansweran unqualified yes, you’re skating on thin ice. In the checks and balances ofChristian integrity, theSpirit speaks toothers in thebodywhocomplementusandmakeupforourweaknesses.

Paulbeautifullyportrays thisprinciple in1Corinthians12whenhespeaksabouthowonememberof thebodyisnot todespiseanother;rather,wearetocomplementeachother.NotoneofushasacorneronGod’sgift.Askyourselfthisquestion:“AmIalisteningleaderoramIalordingleader?”FirstPeter5:2–3 instructsusnot to lord itoverothers.Whenwe’remore interested in tellingpeoplewhattodothaninlisteningtowhattheyarepresentlydoing,weareoffbalance.

AmIOverlyConcernedwithImageBuilding?I am bothered by the amount of professionalism and role-playing within theministry.Toomanyofushavebecomemoreinterestedinimagebuildingthaninkingdombuilding.Pretensehasreplacedpassioninourpreaching.Howwedealwiththefollowingfourareaswillrevealourauthenticity,bothinthechurchand

outsideofit.

•Character.DoImakedecisionsbasedonwhatisrightorwhatismosteasilyaccepted?AmIaleaderorafollower?

•Change.DoIchangemypersonality,speech,oractionsaccordingtothepeopleIamwith?

•Credit.WhenIdosomethingfortheLord,dopeopleseemeordotheyseemyGod?AnddoIcarewhoreceivesthecredit?

•Channel.DoesGodworkthroughmylifetotouchothers?Ifotherlivesarenotchangingasaresultofmine,thisisagoodindicationthattheimageI’mbuildingismyown,notGod’s.Onlyifyouareopen,honest,transparent,andvulnerablewithotherscanGoduseyoutochangeothers.

AmIOverlyImpressedbySignsandWonders?We all seek to experience revival.Butmore than seeking revival,we need toseekGod.Thenwecertainlywillexperiencerevival,healings,andmiracles.Butifwepursuerevivalforrevival’ssake,we’reseekingaftersecondaryresults.

Luke10:17–20speakstothis.

Theseventyreturnedwithjoy,saying,“Lord,eventhedemonsare subject tous inYourname.”AndHesaid to them,“IwaswatchingSatan fall fromheaven like lightning.Behold, Ihavegivenyouauthoritytotreadonserpentsandscorpions,andoverall the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.Neverthelessdonotrejoiceinthis,thatthespiritsaresubjecttoyou,butrejoicethatyournamesarerecordedinheaven.”

Godisnotintheentertainmentbusiness.Whenheworksmiracles,itisforonepurposeonly—theultimategoodofhiskingdom.Awiseoldministeroncesaid to a younger one, “God canworkmiracles through anybody. If hemadeBalaam’sdonkeyspeakbyamiracle,don’tgetpuffedupifhedecidestoworkafewthroughyou.”

WhenGod does a greatwork through you, does it humble you or does itfeedyourego?TheappreciationandfascinationforGod’smovingshouldneverdimorreplaceourdesireforholylivingandrighteouscharacter.

AmIaLonerinMyServicetotheLord?Hebrews10:23–25admonishesus,“Letusholdfasttheconfessionofourhopewithoutwavering, forHewhopromised is faithful;and letusconsiderhowtostimulateoneanothertoloveandgooddeeds,notforsakingourownassemblingtogether,asisthehabitofsome,butencouragingoneanother;andallthemoreasyouseethedaydrawingnear.”

Itisneverhealthytobea“LoneRanger”inserviceorministry.Bringyourfamilyandyourcolleaguesalongwithyou.Notonlyisitmorefuntosharethejoywithothers,butbeingpartofateamcanprovideasystemofaccountability.I’llneverforgetthefirsttimeIheardReverendPaulY.Cho.HestoodupbeforemorethanathousandpastorsinNewYorkandintroducedoneofhisfriendsandstaffmembers.Thenhelookedathisaudienceandsaid,“Ibringmyfriendwithme because I find I am susceptible to sexual temptations and he is mysafeguard.”Theairwasstillandsilentbutweallknewwhathemeant.Hetakessomeone with him so he won’t mess up morally. He draws strength from abrother.

Whenwe design our lives after the Lone Ranger concept, we are sure tosuffer some unfavorable consequences. We develop a distorted perception ofourselves,ourministries,andotherpeople.Weare imbalancedandincomplete

without the othermembers of the body of Christ and their spiritual gifts.Webecome irrelevant because we don’t live where other people live. There is asenseofexclusivenessandaninabilitytorelatetotherealworld.

AmIAwareofMyWeaknesses?To be forewarned is to be forearmed! Perhaps we should ask an even moreimportant question:Am I honest aboutmyweaknesses?Most of us know ourdeficiencies,butwehaveatendencytotrytocoverthem.

Takeamomentnowandconsiderareasofweaknessthatcouldcauseyoutobecomesidetracked inyour life.Realize that theseare theveryareas inwhichyouwillbetempted.Areyoutemptedbyopportunitiessimplybecausetheymaybeegogratifying?Doyouexpecttoomuchofothersornotenoughofyourself?Doyougetyourfeelingshurteasily?

Besides having aweakness for chocolate, I have difficulty in keepingmyschedule within the bounds of human endurance. When I allow myself tobecomeoverextended,ithasanegativeeffectonthosearoundme.Realizingthatthisisanareaofpersonalweakness,Ihavesetstandardstohelpmemaintainmypriorities.First,eachoutsideactivityhas tomeetcertainqualificationswhichIhaveimposed.Andsecond,Ihaveestablishedacommitteeofthreetoreviewmyschedule.Remember,though,thatthefirststepinovercomingthisweaknesswastoadmittomyselfthattherewasaproblem.

IsMyCommitmentConstantlyBeforeMe?This is supremely important ifGodhascalledyou intoapositionofChristianleadership.

Paulsaysin1Corinthians7:24,“Brethren,eachoneistoremainwithGodin that condition inwhich hewas called,”RememberwhenPaul stood beforeKing Agrippa and said, “I did not prove disobedient to the heavenly vision.”

Paul could have been tempted to give up, take other options, or yield to thepersecution,butthethingthatkepthimontrackwasthevisionbeforehim.

TheworldcontinuallythrustsopportunitiesatusthatwoulddistractusfromGod’s call. There is nothing more tragic than when a Christian leader losesGod’sanointingonhislifebyallowinghimselftobecomesidetracked.ThereisnohigherviolationofGod’strust.Forwhenaleaderstumbles,othersfall.

There have beenmany timeswhenGod has helpedme resist temptationsbecauseIstoppedandconsideredtheharmitwoulddotoothersifIyielded.

Igrewup inachurchwhere thepastorwasbuildingagreatworkforGodbut he fellmorally.Twentyyears later the church is still staggeringunder theeffectsofthatmoralfall.ThatmannodoubtexperiencedGod’sforgiveness,buthewillspendtherestofhislifewonderingwhathecouldhaveaccomplishedforGodifhehadnotmessedup.It’sbetternottodoitthantodoitandregretit.

IonceheardCavettRoberts,agreatmotivationalspeaker,say,“Ifmypeopleunderstandme, I’llget their attention.But ifmypeople trustme, I’llget theiraction.”Peoplerespondquickestandmostablywhentheleaderhascredibility.IfGodcanmaintainhisfaithinyou,sowillothers.

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Leadersaretoliveahigherstandardthanfollowers.

•Leadershipisnotapositionthatoneisgiven.Itisapositionthatoneearnsbyprovingfaithful.

•Apersonofintegrityisonewhohasasystemofvaluesagainstwhichalllifeisjudged.

•Authorityminusaccountabilityequalsaverydangeroussituation.

•WhenwedesignourlivesaftertheLoneRangerideal,wearesureto

suffersomeunfavorableconsequences.

•Whenaleaderstumbles,othersfall.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyTheOtherSideofLeadership,EugeneB.HabeckerTheManWhoCouldDoNoWrong,CharlesBlair

CHAPTER9

HOWTOBEAPERSONWHOCANHANDLECRITICISM

Learningtouseconfrontationasanopportunitytogrow

OURABILITYTOTAKECRITICISMcanmakeus or breakus.Noone isindifferent to criticism; it causes us to respond either positively or negatively.Just yesterday I spoke to a woman whose husband has been traumatized bydestructivecriticism.Hehasbecomebitter;hispersonalityandoutlookon lifehaveturnednegative.

LearninghowtohandlecriticismwasoneofthemostdifficultlessonsIeverhad. I grewup in a churchwhere the surest signof successwas a unanimouspastoralvote.At the annual conference thehottest topicofdiscussionwas thevote at the various churches. Heaven help the pastor who received negativevotes!Itseemedthatlittleimportancewasplacedonwhetherornotthechurchwas experiencing growth and maturity or people were growing in theirrelationshipswithChrist. If thepastorreceivedaunanimousvote, thatwas thepinnacleofhiscareerandhewashighlyesteemed.Italsomeantthatthechurchwasspirituallyintune.

Coming from that background, I went to my first pastorate in Hillham,Indiana.Attheendofthefirstyearwehadthirty-threemembers;thevotewasthirty-one “yes,” one “no,” and one “abstain.” That put me in a panic. Iimmediatelycalledmyfatherandasked ifhe thought I shouldresignfromthechurch.Hecouldn’timaginewhyIwassoupsetandlaughedhysterically.LittledidIrealizethatwouldbethebestvoteI’deverreceiveinmycareerasapastor!

Knowingtherewasjustoneperson,possiblytwo,whodidnot likewhatIwasdoingwas very difficult forme to handle. Since then I’ve learned that if youwanttodogreatthingsforGod,therewillalwaysbesomeonewhodoesn’twanttoparticipate.

TakingaPositiveApproachIheardastoryaboutacritical,negativebarberwhoneverhadapleasantthingtosay.AsalesmancameinforahaircutandmentionedthathewasabouttomakeatriptoRome,Italy.“Whatairlineareyoutakingandatwhathotelwillyoubestaying?”askedthebarber.

When the salesman told him, the barber criticized the airline for beingundependableandthehotelforhavinghorribleservice.“You’dbebetterofftostayhome,”headvised.

“ButIexpecttocloseabigdeal.ThenI’mgoingtoseethePope,”saidthesalesman.

“You’llbedisappointedtryingtodobusinessinItaly,”saidthebarber,“anddon’t count on seeing the Pope. He only grants audiences to very importantpeople.”

Twomonthslaterthesalesmanreturnedtothebarbershop.“Andhowwasyourtrip?”askedthebarber.

“Wonderful!” replied the salesman. “The flightwas perfect, the service atthehotelwasexcellent;Imadeabigsale,andIgottoseethePope.”

“YougottoseethePope?Whathappened?”Thesalesmanreplied,“Ibentdownandkissedhisring.”“Nokidding!Whatdidhesay?”“Well, he placed his hand onmy head and then he said tome, ‘My son,

wheredidyouevergetsuchalousyhaircut?’”There’sasayingthat“whatgoesaroundcomesaround.”This isespecially

trueintheareaofattitudes.Ifyouareacritical,negativeperson,lifewill treatyoubadly.Ontheotherhand,ifyouhaveapositive,joyousoutlook,thejoyyousharewillbereturnedtoyou.

Therearetwokindsofpeoplewhoarehighlysubjecttocriticism.Thefirstgroup are the leaders. Aristotle said it well, “Criticism is something you canavoideasilybysayingnothing,doingnothing,andbeingnothing.”Yes,oneofthe costs of leadership is criticism. If you’re willing to stand apart from thecrowd,you’reputtingyourselfinavulnerableposition,socountonsomedegreeofcriticism.

Once after speaking about negative attitudes at a conference, I received anotethatIhavekept:“Realizethattheguyswhocriticizewillminimizetheguyswhoseenterpriserisesabovetheguyswhocriticizeandminimize.”That’swhata leader does—he rises above.When you are willing to stick your neck out,someonewillwanttochopitoff.

Don’tletthatthreatkeepyoufrombeingallyoucanbe.Riseaboveit,asdidthe late Adolph Rupp, the former University of Kentucky basketball coach.Throughout Rupp’s coaching career he experienced an uphill struggle againstthosewhowerecriticalofhismethods.Thereweremanywho took issuewithRupp—hewasdifficultandsanctimonious—butitisdifficulttofaultthetrapperwiththeskinsonthewall.Bytheendofhiscareerhehad874victoriesandwasthewinningestcoachincollegebasketballhistory.

Besidesleaders,theothergroupofindividualswhoarepronetocriticismarethe“leapers,”peoplewholeapintopubliceyebecausetheyarechangeagents.They bring unwelcome and uncomfortable change into people’s lives eventhough it is usually for their benefit.Many years ago themedical communitystronglyopposedtheideaofvaccinatingchildrenagainstdiseasebecauseitwasnewandunknown.Peoplewhomakediscoveries and create inventions find ittakestimeforpeopletoaccepttheirideasbecausepeoplefearchange.

In the closingyears of JohnWesley’s life, hebecamea friendofWilliam

Wilberforce. In England, Wilberforce was a great champion of freedom forslavesbeforetheAmericanCivilWar.Hewassubjectedtoaviciouscampaignby slave traders and others whose powerful commercial interests werethreatened.Rumorswerespreadthathewasawife-beater.Hischaracter,morals,and motives were repeatedly smeared during some twenty years of pitchedbattles.

From his deathbed, JohnWesley wrote to Wilberforce, “Unless God hasraisedyouupforthisverything,youwillbewonoutbytheoppositionofmenand devils; but if God be for you, who can be against you? Are all of themtogetherstrongerthanGod?Benotwearyinwell-doing.”WilliamWilberforcenever forgot thosewordsof JohnWesley.Theykepthimgoingevenwhenalltheforcesofhellwerearrayedagainsthim.

The question for leaders and leapers is not “Will I be confronted withcriticism?”but“HowcanIhandleandlearnfromcriticismandconfrontation?”It ispossible to learnhowto takecriticismsuccessfully,and the following tensuggestionscanhelpyouhelpyourself.

TenTipsforTakingCriticism1.Understandthedifferencebetweenconstructiveanddestructivecriticism.Youneedtolearnhowtointerpretcriticism.Isitpositivecriticismtobuildyouupornegative to tear you down? Someone once said that constructive criticism iswhenIcriticizeyou;destructivecriticismiswhenyoucriticizeme.

To determine the motive behind the confrontation, ask yourself somequestions.First,inwhatspiritisitgiven?Lookbeyondthewordsanddeterminethemotives.Isthecriticprojectingagentleattitudeorajudgmentalattitude?Ifyourcritic’sattitudeiskind,youcanrestassuredthatthecriticismismeanttobeconstructive.

Second,whenisthecriticismgiven?Timesofconfrontationmustbeshared

privately, not within public view or hearing. If a person criticizes someonepublicly,youcanbesurehisorherintentionsarenotthebest.Theyareouttodestroyandnottobuild.

Third,whyisthecriticismgiven?Thisquestiondealswiththeattitudeofthecritic. Is it for personal benefit and growth, or is it given frompersonal hurt?Sometimes thepersonwhohasexperienceddifficultiesandproblemswilldealwithothersinanegative,criticalway.

2.Don’t take yourself too seriously. If youcandevelop the ability to laughatyourself,youwillbemuchmorerelaxedwhengivenorgivingcriticism.Faceit,wealldosomestupidandsillythings.Blessedishewhocanenjoyhisblunders.WeareapprovedbyGod;wedon’thavetowintheapprovalofothersandlookgoodintheireyes.Wearenotperfectpeople.ToomanyofustakeourselvestooseriouslyandGodnotseriouslyenough.

“Life at St. Bashan’s” cartoon strip portrayed a pastorwhowas forced tolearn how to handle criticism. A parishioner approaches the pastor after theserviceandsays,“Reverend,Iwantyoutoknowthatwasn’toneofyourbettersermons.”

Openlythepastorrespondswith,“AndBill,IwantyoutoknowI’mgratefulfor constructive criticism.” In the next frame the pastor walks into the study,locksthedoor,andthenfallstohiskneeswithacry,“Augggghhh!”

We’vedonethat,haven’twe?Outwardlyweappeartoappreciatethewords,but inprivatewe fallapartemotionally,becomingangry,vindictive,ordeeplyhurt.

3.Lookbeyondthecriticismandseethecritic.Whensomeonecomestomewithnewsaboutanotherperson,Iammoreinterestedinthepersonwhosaiditthanwhatwassaid.Infact, that’soneofmyfirstquestions:Whosaidit?Whotoldyouthat?WhenIfindoutwhotheperpetratoris,Iknowwhetherornottolisten.

IwilleitherstraightenupandtakeitseriouslyorIwillthinktomyself,“Theretheygoagain.”

Keep in mind certain considerations regarding your critic: First, is itsomeonewhose character you respect? Adverse criticism from a wiseman ismoretobedesiredthantheenthusiasticapprovalofafool.Second,isthispersonfrequently critical? Is criticismapattern? If so, don’t place toomuchvalue inwhat they say. Possibly it’s a way to get attention. Criticism from a positiveperson,ontheotherhand,probablydeservesyourattention.

Thereisastoryaboutatwelve-year-oldboywhoinallofhistwelveyearshad never spoken.After being served oatmeal for breakfast several times in arow, a miracle happened. To everyone’s shock, he yelled, “Yuck, I hateoatmeal!”

Hismotherwasoverwhelmed.Sheranacrosstheroomandthrewherarmsaroundhisneck.“For twelve longyearsyour fatherandIwereconvincedyoucouldn’ttalk!”shecried.“Whyhaven’tyoueverspokentous?”

Bluntlytheboyexplained,“Uptillnow,everything’sbeenOK.”I’mnotsureifshekeptservinghimoatmealtokeephimcomplaining,but

thisboyknewhowtobeheard.Finally,askyourselfthisquestion:Doesthecriticsincerelywanttohelpme?

Isheorsheonyourteam,believingthebestinyou,desiringtohelp?Rememberthatpeoplewhoarebusyrowingseldomhavetimetorocktheboat.

4. Watch your own attitude toward the critic. A negative attitude towardcriticismcanbemoredestructivethanthecriticismitself.Remember,achipontheshoulderindicateswoodhigherup!ThelateHermanHickman,greatfootballcoachatTennessee,Army,andYale,said,“Whenyouarebeingrunoutoftown,gettotheheadofthelineandlookasthoughyouareleadingtheparade.”

FirstPeter2:21–23providestherightattitudetowardcriticism:

For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ alsosuffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow inHis steps,whocommittedno sin, norwas anydeceit found inHismouth;andwhilebeingreviled,Hedidnotrevileinreturn;while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrustingHimselftoHimwhojudgesrighteously.”

Could it be that a poor attitude reveals the fact that we have trusted inourselves,ratherthaninGodwhoknowstheentiresituation?Ifwearetrustinghimandareobedient,wecanexpectsomecriticism.Heoftencallsustotakeanunpopularstand.Hehasalsocalledustolovethosewhoarecriticalofus.

5.Realize thatgoodpeoplegetcriticized.Jesus,whosemotiveswerepureandcharacter was spotless, was called a glutton (Matt. 11:19), a drunkard (Luke7:34), aSamaritan (John8:48), anda friendof sinners (Matt. 11:19andMark2:16).IfourlivesareChristlike,wecanexpectcriticism.Infact,therearetimeswhenweshouldseecriticismfromtheworldasverificationthatourliveshavebeenchanged.Apersonwhosemind ispollutedandwhosevision isnot clearcannotunderstandorinterpretbehaviorbasedonobediencetoGod.Soifyou’relivingonahigherplanethantheworld,expectsomecriticism.

6. Keep physically and spiritually in shape. Physical exhaustion has atremendouseffecton thewayweactand react; itdistorts thewayweseeandhandlelife.RecentlyMargaretandIwerereturninghomefromalongtrip,andafter being up many hours and hassling with several airline connections, wewere both physically wiped out. Realizing that any attempts to communicatecouldputusover theedge,Margaretproposedthatweeachburyourfaceinabook.BythetimetheplanelandedinSanDiego,wewerenotexactlyalertbutwewerestillfriends.It’sasimplefactoflife:Thesemindsandbodiesneedrest.

Elijahsuccumbedtooppositionwhenhewasinastateofweariness.Jezebelwas a firecracker, and her opposition sapped the preacher’s strength. Elijahcomplained,“It isenough;now,OLord, takemylife; for Iamnotbetter thanmy fathers” (1 Kings 19:4). Elijah was completely shaken. Watch wearinessbecauseSatanwill takeadvantage.Whenwebecomeoverly tired,webecomeoverly critical, and at the same timewe are less able to handle criticism fromothers.

7.Don’tjustseethecritic;seeifthere’sacrowd.Thefollowingstoryillustratesthispoint.

Mrs. Joneshad invitedagreat andwell-knownviolinist toentertainatherafternoontea.Whenitwasallover,everyonecrowdedaroundthemusician.

“I’ve got to be honest with you,” one of the guests said, “I think yourperformancewasabsolutelyterrible.”

Hearing his criticism, the hostess interposed: “Don’t pay any attention tohim.Hedoesn’tknowwhathe’s talkingabout.Heonly repeatswhathehearseveryoneelsesay.”

I’msuggestingthatyouexpandyourvision;gobeyondthecriticandseeifhehasacheeringsection.Considerthepossibilitythatyouarehearingthesamecriticismfromseveralpeople.Ifthisisthecase,andthecriticsarereliable,youneed to realize that you have a challenge to work on. If, on the other hand,you’redealingwithapocketgroupofnegativepeople,yourchallengeistonotbeaffectedbythem.

GeorgeBernardShaw,theIrishplaywright,certainlyhadhiscritics,butheknewhowtohandlethem.Afteroneopening,acriticvoicedhisdispleasure.Hesaid, “It’s rotten! It’s rotten!” To which Shaw replied, “I agree with youperfectly,butwhatarewetwoagainstsomany!”

8.Waitforatimetoprovethemwrong.Timeisyourbestally;itallowsyouto

proveyourselfright.Often,aseventsunfold,thecauseforcriticismiseliminatedand you will be vindicated. You may be thinking, “Easy for you to say,Maxwell,you’renotwhereIam.”ButI’vebeentheremanytimes.Ifyouknowyouractionordecisionwasright,hanginthere.Timewillproveyouout.

Abraham Lincoln, perhaps the most loved president of the United States,was also the most criticized president. Probably no politician in history hadworsethingssaidabouthim.Here’showtheChicagoTimesin1865evaluatedLincoln’sGettysburgAddressthedayafterhedeliveredit:“ThecheekofeveryAmerican must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat, and dish-wateryutterances of a man who has been pointed out to intelligent foreigners asPresident of the United States.” Time, of course, has proved this scathingcriticismwrong.

9.Surroundyourselfwithpositivepeople.Whenyouhaveoptionaltime,spenditwith peoplewhowill build you up. Enough quality timewith positive peoplewillminimize theeffectofnegativecriticism.Itwillalsodiscourageyoufrombeing critical.When a hawk is attacked by crows, he does not counterattack.Instead,hesoarshigherandhigherineverwideningcirclesuntilthepestsleavehim alone.Circle above your adversaries rather than battlewith them. If yourpositive attitude has any effect on negative people, itwill be because of yourexample,notyourdefensiveness.Soriseabovethem.Itreallyishardtosoarlikeaneagleifyouidentifywithturkeys!

10.Concentrateonyourmission—changeyourmistakes.Mostpeopledoexactlythe opposite—they change theirmission and concentrate on theirmistakes. Ifyou run from your task each time you make a mistake, you will neveraccomplishanything.Youwillalwaysbeinastateoffrustrationanddefeat.Theonly real mistakes in life are the mistakes from which we learn nothing. Soinstead of dwelling on them, count onmaking them, learning from them, and

movingon to finish the job.There’s anArabian proverb that says if you stopevery time a dog barks, your road will never end. Don’t let your mistakesbecomeroadblocks;makethembuildingblocks.

In order to build strong relationships, you need to know how to takecriticismgracefully,buttherearealsotimeswhenyouwillhavetobethecritic.Itispossibletoconfrontwithoutruiningarelationship,butusecaution,becausecarelessconfrontationcanbedevastating.Beforeyouconfront,checkyourselfinthefollowingareas.

TenTipsforGivingCriticism1. Check your motive. The goal of confrontation should be to help, not tohumiliate. Three key questions will help expose your true motives. First, askyourself,WouldIcriticizethisif itwerenotapersonalmatter?Sometimeswereactdifferentlywhenweareemotionallyorpersonallyinvolved.Here’swhatImean:

Sluggo:“Thatnewkidinschoolisabigfat-head!”Nancy:“Youshouldn’tcallpeoplenameslikethat.Inever

callpeoplenames.”Sluggo:“Well, I justgotmadwhenhesaidyouweresilly

looking.”Nancy:“Whatelsedidthatbigfat-headsay?”

Second,askyourself,Willcriticismmakemelookbetter?Cuttingsomeonedowntoboostyourselfupisthelowestformofegogratification.It’sthesignofa very insecure person. Remember that it isn’t necessary to blow out anotherperson’slighttoletyourownshine.

Third,askyourself,Doesthiscriticismbringpainorpleasuretome?When

itispainfulforyoutocriticizeothers,you’reprobablysafeindoingit.Ifyougettheslightestbitofpleasureoutofdoingit,youshouldholdyourtongue.

2.Make sure the issue isworthy of criticism. Towhomdoes it reallymatter?Sometimesourpridecausesustoengageinskirmishesthatneedneverhappen.Continual,pettycriticism is themarkofa smallmind;youhave tobe little tobelittle. The secret to not letting yourself be distracted and needled byinsignificantissuesistokeepyourheadupandyoureyesonthegoal.

3.Be specific.Whenyou confront, youmust be tactfully explicit. Say exactlywhatyoumeanandprovideexamplestobackyourselfup.

Ioncehadastaffpersonwhohadgreatdifficultyconfronting;hehated tomakepeoplefaceuptoareasinwhichtheyneededtochange.OnoneparticularoccasionIcoachedhim.Herehearsedwithmeeverythinghewasgoingtosaytotheindividualsinquestion.AftertheconfrontationIaskedhimhowitwent.Heassuredme everythingwent smoothly and therewerenoproblems; in fact, hesaid the people did not even question him.At thatmoment I knew somethinghad gone wrong. Total acquiescence is not a normal reaction to honestconfrontation.Twodayslaterthetruthcameout.Oneoftheindividualssaidtome,“TheotherdaywespentthirtyminuteswithPastorSo-and-so,butwehavenoideawhatwewastryingtotellus.”Thepastorhadspenthalfanhourdancingaround the issuewithout ever addressing it.Hewould have been better off tohaveleftitalone.

Ifyoucan’tbespecific,don’tconfront.Peoplecanusuallytellwhenyou’reskirtinganissueandwillnotrespectyouforit.

4.Don’tunderminetheperson’sself-confidence.Trytofindatleastoneareainwhichyoucanpraisethepersonbeforeyouexposetheproblem.Stayawayfromall-inclusivestatements like,“Youalways…”or“Younever.…”Assure them

that you have confidence in them and their ability to handle the situationcorrectly.

5.Don’t compareonepersonwithanother.Dealwithpeopleonan individualbasis. Comparisons always cause resentment and resentment causes hostility.There’snoneed to create a biggerproblem than theoneyou alreadyhave, sowhyarouseheatedemotions?Ifyousticktothefacts,you’llbelesslikelytoputthepersononthedefensive.

6.Becreativeordon’tconfront.WillRogerssaid,“Thereisnothingaseasyasdenouncing. It doesn’t takemuch to see something iswrong, but it does takesomeeyesighttoseewhatwillputitrightagain.”

Lookbeyondtheproblemandseeifyoucanhelpfindsomesolutions.Formostofusit’smucheasier tobecritical thantobecreative.Butunlessyou’rewillingtohelptosomedegreeinturningthesituationaround,you’renotreadytocommentontheproblem.

7. Attack the problem not the person. Deal with the issue at hand. When aconfrontationbecomesapersonalattack,youdestroyyourowncredibilityandfind yourself in a no-win situation. The expected outcome of a confrontationshouldbethattheoffenderleaveswithaclearunderstandingoftheproblemandthehopethathecanturnitaround.

8.Confrontwhen the time isright.Theright time is justassoonasyouknowsomething is wrong. When you’ve completed your homework, then you’reprepared. Sometimes people tellme about their relationship problems and askmeforadvice.Thescenarioisalwaysthesameandsoismyadvice:Youcannotescape the need to talk to the person.When you wait too long, you lose theopportunemomentandtheissuebecomeshistory.Whenyouconfronttheperson

in a timely fashion, you are better able to keep the facts straight and use theincidentasanopportunitytohelpthepersongrow.

9.Look at yourself before looking at others. Instead of putting others in theirplace, put yourself in their place. Have you successfully done what you’reaccusingtheotherguyoffailingtodo?Lookat thingsfromhispointofview.Youmayseethatyou’retheonewhoneedstomakechanges.

10. End confrontation with encouragement. Always give confrontation the“sandwich treatment.” Sandwich the criticism between praise at the beginningand encouragement at the end.To leave a discouragedpersonwithout hope iscruelandvindictive.Goethe,theGermanpoet,said,“Correctiondoesmuch,butencouragement does more. Encouragement after censure is as the sun after ashower.”

Inmy effort to simplify things asmuch as possible, I have come upwithone-worddescriptionsofthevariouswayspeoplewillrespondtoconfrontation:

BYE. The “bye” people never profit from confrontation;theydon’thangaroundlongenough.Theiregosaretoofragile.

SPY.Spiesbecomesuspiciousofeveryone.Theybeginaninvestigation to find out who in the organization is out to getthem.Oftentheywillavoidriskingafailureagain.

FRY.Somepeoplewillsimplygetmadandeitherflyofthehandleordoaslowburn.

LIE.Theliarhasanexcuseforeverymistake.Thereforeheneverfacesuptotherealityofhissituation.

CRY. Crybabies are overly sensitive and become hurt byconfrontation. Unlike the “bye” people, criers hang around inhopes that people will see how mistreated they are and

sympathizewiththem.Theyhaveamartyrcomplex.SIGH. These people have a “That’s-too-bad-but-there’s-

nothing-I-can-do-about-it” attitude. They don’t accept anyresponsibilityformakingrightthewrong.

FLY.Thiscategoryofpeopletakescriticismandflieswithit.Theylearnfromitandbecomebetterbecauseofit.

Whichcategoryhasfityouinthepast?Aretherechangesyouneedtomakebeforeyoucantakecriticismandflywithit?Ichallengeyoutostarttoday.

PUTITTOWORKPeoplePrinciples

•Ifyou’rewillingtostandapartfromthecrowd,you’reputtingyourselfinavulnerableposition.Countonsomedegreeofcriticism.

•Whenyouarewillingtostickyourneckout,someonewillwanttochopitoff.Don’tletthatthreatkeepyoufrombeingallyoucanbe.Riseaboveit.

•Thequestionisnot,“WillIbeconfrontedwithcriticism?”but“HowcanIhandleandlearnfromcriticismandconfrontation?”

•Ifyoudeveloptheabilitytolaughatyourself,youwillbemuchmorerelaxedwhengivenorgivingcriticism.

•Anegativeattitudetowardcriticismcanbemoredestructivethanthecriticismitself.Achipontheshoulderindicateswoodhigherup.

•Inordertobuildstrongrelationshipsweneedtoknowhowtotakecriticismgracefully,buttherearealsotimeswhenwewillhavetobethecritic.Itispossibletoconfrontwithoutruiningarelationship.

PuttingthePrinciplestoWorkIwillapply theprinciplesfromthischapter tomyrelationshipswithpeople inthefollowingways:

1.

2.

3.

FurtherStudyTheWinningAttitude:YourKeytoPersonalSuccess,JohnC.MaxwellHelpingThoseWhoDon’tWantHelp,MarshallShelley

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